Blurty for eyesOFautumn xx.

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Saturday, October 18th, 2003

Subject:Venting?!
Time:8:02 am.
Mood:fucked and let down...
Music:DashBoard Confessional.
Fuck him... Why does every one have to be funny all the time. " Oh sorry, I didnt mean for you to take it for real... Sorry if I hurt you." Fuck yeah it hurt me... I finally begin to open up to some one, and then this happens?!? Fuck you... Ya know. I some how hope to GOD that you stummble onto this and find out my ture feelings..

Hard to believe that I lost sleep over the antisipation of the next day. I swear to fucking GOD I am going to turn in to a Lesbian.. Not that it would help matters, becuase I KNOW that chicks can hurt you just as bad as a fucker with a dick.

I have no idea why I would even want to waste my time. I ignored all the the immature things that u did! I didnt think of how abusive you are, "just playing around" yeah well ur strong.. and yes It hurts, Now fuck off!

Your eyes... they are purly possesion of the Devil him self. Now please wont you just Grow the fuck up?!? I tried to pass of the stupid little things that you did as being cute, but to think of it now. Now, now they are just those stupid little things that you do.. Fuck you.

I dont ever want to feel the touch of your warm hands against me. I dont Ever want to have to look into your eyes. I am so fucking sick of it all..

Yes, u better be sorry, and no matter how sorry you are, even if I Ever DO decide to forgive. I will NEVEr forget this.

I was laying in bed last night... Thinking, I dont sleep any more, I was out to dinner wiht my parents last night.. My Dad told me to "look alive, show feelings.." I cant.. I couldnt, if I showed feeling then and there I would have been in tears. I was cleaning last night, down in the basement... and I found more blades... The kind that fit into utility knives... My mom was there so I put them away, why is it that I find these things all the time. I dont want to see them.. Its to hard to not take it... *Black Hearts*
Comments: 3 Joined me - I Remain Alone.

Friday, October 17th, 2003

Subject:David and such
Time:7:11 am.
Mood:tired and excited.
Music:my mom snored.
Ok so I was at Lunch the other day, and I was standing there talking to Chase, about whatever I could get him to talk about.. Ashley and Jen were bugging me, something like I didnt like Jen..But whatever, Then David showed up, stole this kids purple hat came over and was talking with Chase and I, Then went to play Hacki Sack with some of the guys.. (yes I watched him walk all the way over there, Listened as the bells around his boot rung each time he took a step) The bell rang! Woot! time for Science and I get to sit and talk wiht David (not like we ever have much work in Science) So the whole class was abig Joke, and at the end he handed me a puzzel to do.. I explained my lack of interest that most puzzels bring to me, but he insisted that this was easy and I could do it.. The bell rang as he finished up the puzzel that was written on the bottom of my Lab Report. (nice one huh?) I looked at it and seen that it was a letter sort of thing, but it was in code with 1=a 2=b 3=c and so on. He told me to guess what it said, but I was busy talking about some other ramdom thing.. so we walked to his class ( his is up stairs and mine down stairs) When I got to History I figured out what it said.. "Do you have a Boyfriend if not can I be it" I wanted to scream.. Damn I knew there was somethig I liked about his eyes.. heehee.. I got very little sleep last night.. and what sleep I did have I drempt about some of the most ramdom, stupid things.

Well sorry to cut off but I have to go to school and figure out what I am going to do here... This should fly really well with my mom and dad... "its the dude that had the purple hair mom!!"
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Time:7:09 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:AFI~Black Sails in the Sunset (yes Matt I now have the CD).
ok a few things to update... I copied all of the notes that DAvid had asked me too. (heehee u have no idea how nice it is to have a fax/printer/copier at ur house) He came over at lunch to ask me if I got them done. It was sort of weird really. Not it, me. I was sort of weird. I was being all flirty and cute, and to think of it now, god I think I made my self look stupid. but anyway, I think we are going to find a crew to go see Texas ChainSaw Mass. On Halloween night, but it will have to be early because hes going to Zero's house to get pretty fucked up. I was invited to share the fun and festive night, yet again I turned down the offer. When am I going to start living life?!? Holy shit! I dunno.. But anyway, I ended up with his # and SN.

I have to find a Local Band around here to talk with, and get some information to publish in the paper. I am extreamly excited about that. I just dont know where to go with my lead. This is all due to my Editor Next Thrusday. And the week after that I think I have a bit on The fundraiser money, and Why the football players are getting all the money. I was talking to Coach Harper about it durning lunch and he said that if I need numbers, I can go to him since he has access to all of those papers.

My mom and dad are watching Armegadon. The ending of that movie makes me cry. Expecially when hes talking to his daughter.. I dunno, I guess it was because Harry is so tough and when he is talking to Gracie, and said that he loves her, it reminds me of my dad. I know that he loves me, just doesnt know how to show it.

Mom and I went shopping the other day. And to update about the Job delema that is going on, She has a orintasion Satruday. From 8-12 Or something along those lines. So I know that K mart isnt the best Job that she has had, and they have already said that its only until the holidays are over, but they have also said that if things work out well they will try to ffer her a full time Job. So yes, My dad builds homes for rich ppl and my mom works at K mart. But I really dont care, its bringing in more money and thus we will not have to damn tight with the cash flow. I know that sounds really rude, but I am sick of having to walk by things that I would like to have. They asked me if I wanted an Air Hockey Table for X mas or a new stereo. I can always take the money that I get from everyone at X mas, and buy a stereo, and Air Hockey would totally rad to have i nthe basement.

I think we are going to get a futon eventually for the basement. Then I guess that if we were going to get company I could give them my bed and I get to crash in the basement. Really it reminds me of That 70s Show kinda thing. lol Im not really sure but it does, I guess since I spen most of my time there..

alright I have run out of things to talk about for the moment, and i dont want to write a bunch of fluff..

I really wish that Kandi could get back online. I am so bored!
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Monday, October 13th, 2003

Time:1:23 pm.
Mood: cranky.
Music:Unsung Zeros.
so I had the day off, Dad called to see if they called with the quote on getting the new exaust on the truck ($293.98!!) so it looks like we are going to be a bit tight on the cash flow this month. They are bitching about the Explorer and the tractor payments among countless other things. Then the House payment to add to the things. So yeah, I need to go to the store and pick some things up, and I am sick of buying food to pay for Jason to stuff his face. I dont mind getting things to make for Dinner, But My God. When he comes home he acts like he hasnt ate anything all day. Then by the end of the week he bitches that there is nothing for me to make. I dunno. Maybe I have PMS and I am going off over the trivial things. But Hes really getting on my nerves.
Then he had the nerve to ask why I didnt pick up his chocolate bars at the store. I explained that he passes Wal Mart on his way here on Sundays, and he can do it him self.

Mom and dad should have some cash flowing later, most likely by the begining of Nov. then Dad is planing to have the Thanksgiving dinner here. Where the hell are we going to put everyone?!? We dont have enough room, its not like we can all go out side, its frickig November! we might have Snow! WTF! He doesnt think about those things. whateve, I am going to find something to have for lunch then slip down and play guitar for a while.
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Sunday, October 12th, 2003

Subject:ABC's
Time:3:57 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:Steve Miller Band..(radio still).
A - Act your age - 16
B - Boyfriend - none. =)
C - Chore you hate - Dishes and folding socks.
D - Dad's name - Richard Allen .
E - Essential make up item - eyeliner
F - Favorite actor - hmm... I dunno.. there are a few
G - Gold or silver - depends
H - Hometown - Elkridge
I - Instruments you play - Guitar
J - Job title - none.
K - Kids - ? maybe some day. no more than 2.. I think
L - Living arrangements - Mom, Dad,2 dogs
M - Mum's name - Robin Lynn
N - Number of people you've slept with - ___
O - Overnight hospital stays - when I was 2 mo old, car wreck..been to the hospital a few times, not to many over nights tho
P - Phobia - Heights,spiders,snakes
Q - Quote you like - "you dont have a Clue...I bet you couldnt even buy a clue"<- Paul Jr, OCC
R - Religious affiliation - None
S - Siblings - none.
T - Time you wake up? 6 45
U - Unique habit - shutting the microwave door. I cant stand for it to be left open, with the little light on.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat - hmm? I dunno. Im not picky really
W - Worst habit - leaving the lights on upstairs
X - X-rays you've had - teeth, ankle
Y - Yummy food you make - hmm? Cheescake, and other goodies?
Z - Zodiac Sign - Piecies
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Time:3:48 pm.
Music:1 bourbon, 1 scottch and a 1 beer.. (its on the radio).
OMG we have done so much, but to, list it all, (of what we have accomplished today) seems to little. Other than playing my little heart out down stairs.. heehee.. We went to Lowes and picked up some drywall, and some sheetrock tape, we re did mom and dads closet, and fixed the tail gate on my truck, I raked up a ton of leaves, Played with Pongo for a bit and got him a new toy to play with, we fixed the bathroom, I mudded the walls in the closet, and vac-ed the floors upstairs down, and used the little swifter thing and cleaned the floor.

well my break is over
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Time:9:39 pm.
Mood: amused.
heres a quote that I told Kandi I would post, against her will.. "I am Jealous of anyone that sets eyes on *~*Blank*~*, fuck I am jealous of anyone that talks to him!"

heehee I was a nice friend tho and didnt post his name.. heehee
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Subject:my Last 2 days...
Time:3:53 pm.
Mood: mellow.
Music:Led Zep. How the West Was won.
I was feeling pretty good yesterday, got to school and my mood was shot down. Lunch was great. Something in David caused him to be really kool, and in a good mood. Chase was actually talking, But I just wanted to come home. So I called mom, gave her the Im sick line. *cough* <-- sick

I helped her clean the basement, take things to Dads Shed, and some where in the midst of that droped the table saw on my foot, now there is a bruise there that hurts like a bitch. *Owchie*

Slept so sound.

THis morning was a curse. Woke up sick, didnt say anything to Mom, I knew that she had to go back to Maryland to help out at the shop. Slept thru 1st pd. Most of second. Was a bit uneasy feeling in third. Puked in the middle of forth, Called mom on her cell, but what was she going to do?!? She was in MD, I cant walk here. I could but Mom wouldnt let me. I was approved by the administration to walk home, but she ( mom) wouldnt let me. So I was sent back to class. (I still have no idea where the health room is)

I began to feel better after than. Poped bunches of gum and stuff... Got to science and slept, It was so boring, David wasnt there to talk to, since he was at a funeral (his "maw maw" died at the age of 101) Any ways...

got to sixth Pd. sat down explained my absence to Mrs Baer.(my name wasnt on the list to have signed out early) Copied the drill and the one from yesterday that I missed... Looked over and there was *~*Michelle*~* and to add to the goodness of *~*Michelle*~* she was walking over to talk to me!! Woo! and then she handed me the Led Zepplin Cd and said for me to get it back whenever I felt like it, it didnt matter. heehee than she explained how *~*Chase*~* was the one that gave her that CD. Ahh!!! Michelle and Chase! heehee... ok.. Im alright now.

yeah. ttyl Pongo is barking, and the neighbor will bitch if I dont get him to stop. He has been barking non stop.. I'll go feed him more.. maybe hes still hungry.. heeheee.
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Time:7:14 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:The Ataris.
Hmm. So There ya go. I was in this really good mood, got my cell out, found Matts number, and called him, I suppose it was his sister that answered the phone, but anyway Matt wasn't in. Oh well... Sorry Matt, I tried, I'll try again sometime this week. most likely tonight, if all goes as planed. ha! Planed. I have nothing planed I just hope that things go half as smothly as yesterday did. I even tried to call Kandi. But there was no answer. So maybe, she was out, or MAYBE, she was asleep and didnt answer the phone. So yeah, I was in a talkitive mood, and no one to talk to so I went out side and played with Pongo. It didnt last long tho, he kept trying to get out under the fence (that we have still yet to fix) so I tied him bac k up and pet him for a while. Eventualy he got on my lap. Hes a bit to big to be doing that tho... oh well...

ok thats all I really have to say right now..

other than, Jason needs to learn not to slam doors at 4 AM when we leaves for work.. that gets old really quick. Later all Time for my trip to school
Comments: 4 Joined me - I Remain Alone.

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

Subject:Today thus far..
Time:5:17 pm.
Mood: good.
Music:The Ataris.
After getting ready for school, I usually come downstairs and check my email. Although it does prove to be pointless more often than not, I still tend to do it every morning. Mom usually is up and is ready to take me to school by 7 20. But today, I realized at 7 25 that she was in bed fast asleep. I felt bad for a waking her. But I knew that I had a MAJOR Vocab test today in English. But I still managed to get there in time. Not late at all. heehee.

Everything went so smoothly today, it had this awkward feeling to it, it was that smooth. Other than flunking a History Quiz on Chaper 20, I did exceptsional. Chase was in a hell of a good mood today. I still have to walk over and talk to him first, but things are getting easier, I dont have to beat his thoughts out of him anymore. Yet it does seem that we talk about the same things. Oh well. I thank the higher power (whatever that may be) that Michelle was there today. She returned my AFI and Bikini Kill Cds that she burned. She also brought a shit load of her, so we sat there before 6th Period and talked to Chase and threw CDs back and Forth, I gave her a few more of mine and I borrowed The Ataris and the Misfits. I have the Misfits playing downstairs and the Ataris playing in the computer. nice Clash. lol. Michelle is So fucking hot. Why do all the hot chicks have to be friends with you?! Or straight?

I have noticed that the Gothic chick that goes to MHS is still at every corner I turn around. Quite Awkward really. She always gives me a dirty look. Really its funny. She cramps her face up in this weird way, really looks stupid, so I keep walking. Its begining to get to the point where I look forward to getting my first 4 classes thru and getting my ass to Lunch to talk with Chase. Now that its easier, and he doesnt seem to mind chatting with me, its a hell of a lot easier.

Woo look at me ramble. haha. I think today is the day I should call Matt. And what the hell, I'll call Kandi too.. And maybe some other people that are in much need of a phone call. I am in the best of moods right now.

ok to go on with my day...after getting michelles Cds, it was time to practicly run outta the class and get 3/4 of the way down the hall and see that one hot dude that is always there, looking yummy. *cough* RAPE *cough*
ok now that I didnt admit that. lol.. Math was of the up most confussing. I have no idea why we have to do the shit that she makes us do. NEVER will I use that shit.

Mom was awaiting in the parking lot when the bell rang. I spoted the Explorer right off (i usually have to walk all over the parking lot and search)

I got home and went on Shit clean up, Trusty Shovel and Stick to clan up the dandy little piles left my my dog. (thank you Pongo) After doing that I washed up and went back out side to see if he would play Frisbee with me. he is much more interested in the ball than the frisbee. We played until he got tired and sat on my foot. I walked over and sat on the swing to pet him for a while. He is such a good dog.

I came in and begain to Burn the Cds..went and moved something out of my corner of the basement that has been taken over with mom and dads things. so I claned that for a bit (rather moved it somewhere else) Got everything looking alright and brought my old Stereo down to the basement, Now we can have a CD player in the basement when I decided that I want to go sit down there. I also took my Guitar and Amp, the little Table is there and some chairs, and dads little frig that used to be in his Shed that is full of sodas and Beer. I want to put a Phone down there, and Eventually I want to get a air hockey table too. Maybe thats what I'll get for X mas. They already said that I could get another Stereo. The one downstairs is half dead ( it didnt quite survive the move in the Uhaul truck, it works when it wants) I also want to get a nice comfy chair to lounge in. Dad said that the basement will be really warm when we begin to run the heat more often. Right now its a bit nippy, though as long as you are moving around its alright.

Well now, that is enough out of me for right now. I am going to call Matt and Kandi.
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Subject:my 10 minute update...
Time:7:08 am.
ok so I went to school on Friday, there was a prep rally, it was much more active than the ones back home. I told mom on Thursday that we were going to be dismissed from classes at 1 to go to the rally. Some how or another she heard that we were dismissed at 1. So she waited a half hour in the parking lot for me before going in to the office to ask when we got out, they told her and she tried to take be from school early, but I was in the field already. So I stayed. it makes me so mad when she doesnt listen to the whole thing I say,before cutting me off...at times I do have something important to say..

Satruday. Still pissed that they wouldnt take me shopping, I looked thru my closest to find something to wear. I finally found something that was fit for the occasion. I seen Joe there, he looked so diffrent. I didnt recognize him. The first thing he told me was about his 24 yr old girl friend that may be trialed for rape if they arae caught... I get so sick of hearing about that all the time.. The night was full of Drama, but Nay and Terrence had this awesome Rave Off.. it wasa great. I dont feel like getting in to the drama section,but to sum it up, ppl were upset because Ex-gf's were dancing with friends and others were mad due to rejection.

Sunday.

I answered the phone on Satruday and hears my Grandma on the other end. She wanted to know if dad would come up and help my Pap and my Uncle Lee finish the garage that they were putting a roof on. So we were going to get up at 6 so we could be there by 9 like we were asked to, but since we got home at 1 Satruday night we awoke up at 7 and got there at 10. We left Mt Storm at 12 30 to be at the Elk Farm at 3. We were early of course, so we stoped at the covered bridge and the water fall and let mom take pictures. We went inside the little store thing and there were bunches of wolf furs, beaver skins, and tons of countless other creatures pulled out of there skin. IT was disgussting. We went last year, but it was Never like that. I was highly grossed out. Ne way, they seated our party of 72 and we were left to dine on the meats of the slain. I stayed with a salad. heehee... thats all my 10 minutes.. ttyl
Comments: 2 Joined me - I Remain Alone.

Thursday, October 2nd, 2003

Subject:Bonfire...
Time:7:39 pm.
wow that was great! We won the spirt stick (our class did) I seen Ashley there, so we ditched my mom and dad whome kept a close eye on moi. I had a bit of fun with my glow stick and gave one to Ash. We burned the Bear, wastched the fire, listened to teh band, and the color gard do there thing, there was a bit of moshe pit when they began playing some music. And tomarrow Dad asked if We could go to the game. So Apperently I ahve to find out what time that is, so we can go to the game.

Charles Moose (ploice chief when sniper was there) is going to do a showing there.. that starts at like 9 30 so thats 3rd pd, and ends near my lunch shift... then we have the "prep" rally at 1 til 2 35... Then as I said I have HC back home on Satruday, and then on Sunday need to be in PA by like noon or so, but knowing Dad we will be there at like 6 am.. I am in a better mood, I think getting out was what I needed. I get sick of being pinned inside all of the time. Well. I need a shower badly, now that I smell lik smoke, and My hair is black..from the hair dye later
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Time:3:04 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Music:Tiger Army..(before edited) Leftover Crack (after).
Im kinda upset that when I asked mom to take me to the store to get something to wear for HC.. instead she gave me the whole we are saving money line... MY GOD!! What if I used my money... its all bs to tell ya the truth.. I know, its stupid to get pissed about something to trivial, but when they want something they run out and get it... did we really need the new weed eater that my dad bought that HAD to be a certain name brand? Did we HAVE to get the shit my mom bought for the kitchen to decorate? I dunno... Maybe I am just jealous of every one getting things but me... I am the only child... I got really mad when I called her earlier today (after 4th Pd) and asked her to bring me some Advil for a MAJOR head ache... I mean it was really bad, the kinda where everything spins, and when u stand up u feel like u are falling down. No.. she said that it would save her a trip later... So whatever... (edited for here on out..just to finish everything out)

Tomarrow Charles Moose is going to be speaking at our school. I am supposed to have a question ready to ask him, for newspaper, however I have NO idea what the hell I am going to ask him!!! So whatever.. Maybe while he is talking I will think of this awesome question?!? I dunno.

The Sniper thing is on the news right now... my mom keeps giving me these really "stupid" questions...

I got reallly mad at mom, when I got home she kept showing these things that she picked up at the store... I asked why she didnt take me with her, and her reply was someting along the line of "I went after I droped you off" I am so sick of not going anywhere after school is over. I have a ton of phone calls that need to be made, to businnesses about placing Ads.. I hate calling businesses they are so fucking rude. SO whatever, Maybe if I just go and see a few of the places, and get theirs then I wont have to worry about the whole thing. I only need to sell 2. And if I dont sell them, I'll give them the 28 bucks and place my own ads. I am getting pretty sick of newspaper.. Ms Camby gives me these dirty looks constantly... Im so sorry if I dont look and act as the others do. Everyone is so fucking uniform, have no minds of there own, and they waste there time on the most trivial things. That and everything in Martinsburg is Sports... Sports is the live flow of everything around here. LR was so much more diverse. There are people here that are open minded, but very few.

I actually took my lunch shift today. I was going to stay and do somethng to pass the time, but I was really hungry, so I borrowed some $ off of Ashley and got a salad that wasnt really a salad.. more like cut grass, with a tomato and ranch poured over... wasnt worth the $... not at all..

I dunno. Things are just getting to me. Mom was watching Oprah earlier, and I walked out when the part came of when they were talking with a girl that was a "cutter" I just dont know what to say to them about that anymore. They dont ask anymore about it. Well mom asked to see how it has healed the other day... but I seen part of that thing on Oprah, I understood what the girl was going thru, I wanted to give her the Web address so she could talk with Meghan and Alyx and all of the other wonderful ppl that are there to offer their help to those in need of a little help thru the rought patches...

Mom is totally stuck on me wearing the black jeans that I have on right now. I really dont want to. I want to look good. I want to show myself how well I clean up, I havent looked my best in a really long time. I loved the night of 8th grade Grad dance. My hair was done nice, My dress, Shaun... everything of that sort...

They are bitching at me for having something Red in my pocket when washing the whites now.. better go and take the bitching thats a comming to me..
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Time:7:09 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:D.O.A..
ok, I have to leave soon but I have enought time to get some thoughts down... I actually decided that I could participate in Spirt week today... and I might even go to the event tonight... We are playing Hammond High (everyone there is like who's F***ing Hammond lol ) But ne way, Today is doomsday and u are to wear all black... woo! Nother excuse to put on an AFI shirt.. heehee.. At 7 they are having a BonFire in the field near the school. Sounded like fun so I might show up for a bit. They said that they usually burn the opposing Teams Mascot and some of there colors... So wtf? Big fire, Bruning things kids in black... I might go. All depends on if mom or dad will take me...

Um what else?? Kandi called me the other day, her Computer died, so there is a lady going to come out and try to fix it, but if she cant, then she's screwed... She called to see if I still had my Desk top... but my mom sold it to her boss a few months ago.. We had no use really since we bought the Laptop.

I wasa going to Call matt last night...yes.. Matt I was going to call you... but every time I went for the phone it rang, or Jason was on it talking to Missy about the Car and getting a new motor.. I honestly dont see why they just dont get it looked at.. Some one could tell them the price rather than spending 2-3k on a new one... Whatever.. U ca nt tell Jason anything.. He really wont listen to me since I am the younger one, For me to be right about something, he may as well give in and die there... Like I was playing a few cords on the giutar the other night, and he looked at me and said it was out of tune.. I think I can tell when its out of tune!! OMG! some one shoot me.. I realy hope that he finds a nother place to crash soon.. he is driving me, and my parents absolutly crazy...

Well is 7 20 and I have to get to school... at least tomarrow is Friday! and then Homcomming SAtruday! and the Elk thing Sunday! man I have a busy weekend... heehee... thats alright
Comments: 2 Joined me - I Remain Alone.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

Time:7:06 am.
Mood: gloomy.
Music:Bikini Kill.
I slept so soundly last night. Mom got me up 15 minutes early, but it didnt make a diffrence really.... I was already awake. Some times I think that she hears me up stairs moving around, so she has to feel some sot of authority and yell for me any way... I have no idea... lol

Im so glad that its already Wednesday. Its a constant battle to get my self to school.. Well I guess that I should do something more construstive with my 10 of nothing time... maybe a long sleeve shirt would be good...

I am going to see if mom will take me to get an outfit for home comming... they want me to show up in Jeans but I dont want to... I want something new, something I want... I havent gotten anything for quite sometime... other than my lesons.. time for something new... that makes me seen cocky, but I am sick of not being able to get what I want, for once in a while, guess how that ones going... *eye roll*

well yeah there I go again..ramble... ttyl
Comments: 3 Joined me - I Remain Alone.

Sunday, September 28th, 2003

Subject:Paps pig roast and some other things...
Time:8:00 am.
Mood: good.
Music:STP.
So yeah, dad woke me up at 6 30, I could hear him tuning on and running water for the shower... I hate being next to the b room! Then shortly after mom called for me to get out of the warm cozy spot that I found in the middle of my bed. we got there at about 9 or somewhere around there.. Sasha was prading around in her Cheer out fit showing off... at 10 Sasha and I began to make signs that were to be posted at Camp (the party was supposed to be there, but since the river flooded it was a muddy mess) So Harry took me in his new chevy truck, rocking out to some things he got off the internet, mostly Godsmack... and we went to hang them up. I had some difficulties with the one so he had to get outta the truck and hobble over... see 3 yrs ago next april, He was involved in a Motorcycle crash that almost killed him, recently he had an operation to fuze hisfoot in a right angle sort of postion... and he has a cast on it... its on his right foot, so realy he isnt supposed to be driving, but yeah, u dont know Harry! heehee... When we were done with all the signs, and were heading back to grams, he decided that it wasnt time to go back yet.. We stoped at BP to fill up, and grab a coffee and stuff... Then we w ent to town and he got him self a new piercing.. He had his tounge done before, but the drs. made him take it out when he went for the Operation. and it went shut. Then we finally made it back to camp.

The whole thing was pretty lame...bunches of ppl that I was realated to some whoe or another...but still dont know there name.. I took a little chair and sat up by Pongo.. Good ole dog.. Shared some food with him.. lol.. whatever tho.. Hes getting pretty old, but he has all ways been my buddy. When we moved into the house, I asked if I could take him home with me, and Gram and Pap have always said yes...so finally daddy said that hes mine.. Hes not really big, but not small.. I took him in a gave him a Muchly needed bath.. and then took him into the living room of grams house and dried him good.. The ride home was tedious however. He was pretty good... I had a rope tied to his coller cuz he has never really rode longer than 5 minutes. He hung his head out the window for the most part of the 2 hr drive... I have to give him another bath and brush him really good today.. hes an out door dog, but also good inside, so we let him in durning the day time are are letting him out at night.. I just went to check on him and hes laying on the big pillow that was Nickis, but she never used it.. looks pretty comfortable..

Well I have to get dressed and I think I am going to make some breakfast for my self, and maybe mom and dad too.. lol..

tootles
Comments: 1 Joined me - I Remain Alone.

Friday, September 26th, 2003

Time:5:17 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:Eagles.
Today started out really shitty... I can tell u all about it, but ya prolly dont want to know. Then when I got to 1st pd we were issued our Interm reports and I have a C in English. It was because of a Vocab test I fluncked....but and to be honest, I did study for it... but no one uses those words anymore..so whatever...it brought my grade to a C.. that is the lowest English Grade I have EVER had.. In Journalism, I have a B and Newspaper...its such a easy class your would have to screw up pretty bad to get anything other than an A. Then comes keyboarding... I have a b there.. but oh well... C in Math, and a 99% in Science... that class is easy too.. and in History (with the crazy lady) I have like a B.

Anyway, so mom picked me up this after school, we went to the little resturant down the road and had some thing to eat.. then I shared my Air Head that My techer gave me.. since 5th pd is just so awesome. lol...
We drove around trying to find places that were interested in placing ads in my School paper... Its so hard to find small bussinesses that can do that, with out haveing to go to other ppl and ask... So I have to sell at least two of these things, and I seen a Tattoo place and that really intrested me...so mom sent me alone in there.. waited as this dude got his nads pierced.. lmao... he passed out... heehee... and then the guy came and took a copy of it and said that they would discuss it, and if all else failed he wanted to but "Josh is Awesome" in bold letters over a page.. lol.. they were pretty kool.. Josh had the micest eyes I ahve seen on some one in a long time. that light blue color... Im such a sucker for eyes.. it gets me in alot of trouble too... heehee... Shit I'll do anything if they have nice eyes... I wasnt feeling the plug that was in his nose tho... like the middle part.. it was diffrent.. lol.. but still had nice eyes...and rad tats. Mom said that she would let me get one, but Dad had to ok it... but see, I know that if he was to say ok, she would change the answer... She knows that he has said no to me... Oh well... I guess that I can wait a few more years until I get one...

well I have to be going.. I am going to make a Root Beer Float.. I love those things!!! heehee

<3 all
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Thursday, September 25th, 2003

Time:7:13 am.
Mood: excited.
Music:The Distillers.
ok I have to keep this short, so here it goes...

Mom and I were in the car talking about things that I could do to get me out of the house more, and to interact with other ppl around my age... So I suggested getting back into guitar. And she sort of gave me that look, like erm we can see about it. We went to KB Music shop last night and I was over whelmed with the things that were in that store, it was bigger than any place like Mars or anything like that at the house, and they were sooo much nicer there... The ppl actually came up and talked with you. We said about lessons, and they sent us up to talk with the 2 teachers there. a young guy that does everything by the book, or an old guy that is funner, and teachers u more of what you really want to learn. So I went and talked with the old guy, He said that to get in was 15/lesson 55$/month So I start next monday... I told hime that I did take it in school, but he said that he didnt want to hear me play Mary Had a little lamb, so we are going striaght in to Cords and other things of th at sort....and by the end of the lesson I might be playing some CCR.. So my dad was excited about that CCR part... I mean they arent that bad but not something that I can stand for long.

My mom is going nuts.. there must be a cricket living behind the frig, and its been chirping at night time, so just about everynight, she is out here withte flash light tring to find that stupid thing... heehee.. its actually quite funny, I am waiting for the day that I ahve to ride the bus home so that she can finsish putting the house back to gether after find ing the dumb thing...

well 7 20 and I must get to school.. maybe I'll update in 4th pd if the teacher is in a good mood.
Comments: 5 Joined me - I Remain Alone.

Monday, September 22nd, 2003

Time:8:22 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music:Nekromantix.
Ah Mondays suck... I really didnt want to get my ass moving this morning and go to school. Dad took off of work so they could go to PA and file a laws suit against Jeff and Christy. I wanted to too, and of course I did ask.. I was a mess this morning, so It would have been better for me to take the day. I didnt sleep worth a shit last night. Too much on my mind. But Dad said that I could go to Court, they were just sugning papers today, and I needed to be in school. It was one of those mornings where u sit there and cry, Dad was concerned, he took the time to stop at Sheetz and buy me a coffee and then gave me time to suck it up before shipping me off to school.

Nothing happened really today. I was so disappointed in myself, I guess something went wrong, and my story didnt make it in to Second issue. I thought about that all day, I thought that maybe I screwed up some how, Maybe Dane didnt get the paper and maybe there was something wrong with the disk that I saved it on...so much shit.. but oh well.. Im so hard on myself when it comes to my work and writtings.. I dont know...

At lunch, Mr harper came and talked with me, we talked about everything, as the bell rang he said that I was "well beyond my years, and mature" DAvid is in ISS until Wednesday for breaking the plastic ruler over the other kids head..so looks like Science is going to suck for a while.6th period was shit.. my teacher is old and crazy... and her teeth fall out when she tries to talk.. (ha I know thats mean, but its really funny) I pretty much run out of 6th period, and no its not my love for Math, its becuase there is that one guy that walks out of the clssroom like half way down the hall...and I really enjoy checking him out. heehee.. I still have no idea what his name is.. maybe someday, when hes not taking to some one I will ask.. maybe.. I'll put that on my to do list.. so I can prove to my self that I can do it.. heehee... in such a dork.

Any way, 7th period passed..class is soo easy, it will be an easy A. The bell rang, and I was walking towards my bus when I heard daddys voice yelling my name. So I turned around and there he was. He asked what was wrong, and I decribed my disappointment about not being published, and he hugged me and re assured me that everything was going to be alright..

They said that the court date is in November, and dad is looking forward to the date. We were nice enough to lend them the 800 when we didnt really have it, now the least thing he could do is make an effort to return the money instead of bragging about how they arent paying us back, while they get shit faced in some pub. FUCK THEM!!

Wee! I get to sleep until 6 30, mom said that she would take me to school, and it only takes like 10 minutes to get there..less than that, but there is always traffic.. so yeah, She is going to pick me up too, well, until she gets a job. Sheetz called her, they want her to come back in for another interview ( the person never showed up to interview her last time) But she said that she wasnt going to go back in.

Ok, I am really fighting the sleep right now, and I need to get back in my groove.. I am so messed up with sleep right now... and my fingers are getting munb for typing all of this... and are your eyes, most likely. So thank u for staying with me, even tho I didnt have anything really to say. heehee...

Until Next time my children..
Comments: I Remain Alone.

Sunday, September 21st, 2003

Subject:hmm...trying to sum everything up of what happened today... hope its understandable
Time:4:53 pm.
Mood: determined.
Music:Something Corporate.
I decided to get my ass out of bed at about 9 this morning. I thought that everyone would be awake, but they were, and that is quite strange at my house, we have always gotten up quite early. Mom was the second one to rise, and then my dad. I would find out later the reason that he slept in.

This is quite hard to talk about since Everything is so fresh in my mind, and its such a hard thing for me to describe, but I wil try my best.

We were making breakfast and I had Silverchair playing, Suicidal Dream eventually came on, and I was singing along, like I do to all of the songs. I love to sing along.. my Dad grew a bit conserned, and said something like "oh well isnt this a wonderful song," or something like that. After breakfast, of Eggs, and they had some sausage (yuck!) we went out side and continued doing yard work..After a while, I walked up to the fire when my mom said that she wanted to talk to me, so I decided, eh, what the hell u have nothing better to do... She informed me that her and dad would like to talk to me later today abaout some things.. I knew it was about the blade, but I questioned anyway. She said that Dad seen last night before I turned in for bed, he seen some blood on my wrist, and they wanted to talk to me about it. There was no chance in getting out of this one. and I have been wanting the help. so why try to get out of it now? We sat there and talked, just my mom and I, I came back inside and cried for a while. Later Dad yelled for me to come out side and mow the lawn...I really didnt want to, but didnt want tostart anything.

It was about 1 15 when we finally sat down at the table and talked about everything. I was doing alright. They suggested seeking Family counciling and I explained my fear of being sent away. We reached the agreement that they would seek help for me aobut the depression, and as long as I no longer injured myself, that they wouldnt tell my doctor. So we are going to see about this.. The hardest part was when my dad actually managed to stay calm. But something I never seen before... Dad began to cry. It tore me apart inside. I have never really seen him cry, and to see it, and know that this was my fault, it tore my apart.

the only time I have seen him cry was 10 years ago at Paps funeral, and when my grandma was in the hospital for attempted Suicide a few years back...but he walked out so now one would see it. And to looking to his Bloodshot eyes, it took out a piece of my heart. I love my Mom and dad. And I am so stupid to think that they didnt care. There are so many people that are worse off than my self, I just need to go to them more often when something is wrong, rather than let it get to me.

Things are going to change. I made them a promisse that I wouldnt cut any longer, as long as I wasnt sent away. We are going to spend more time as a family. and I hope that things will begin to look up.

I wanted to thank everyone who's help me. Jess, I love you so much! Kandi, even tho u hate me sometimes, I will never stop loving you. And no matter what happens I will be here for you, and NEVER EVER tell you that I am tired of hearing about something when its really important...

I have been thinking of the things that I need to do to better my self, but There are so many that I dont feel like writing all out right now. So maybe later..

<3 Thank you all... and I miss you all soooo much.. :)
Comments: 2 Joined me - I Remain Alone.

Blurty for eyesOFautumn xx.

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