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and I say I'm dead and I move

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oh, by the way [26 Oct 2003|01:57pm]
my journal can now be found here. It looks exactly the same, it's just on another site.
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Why me? [26 Oct 2003|01:38pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | rain on the roof ]

Okay, last night completely freaking sucked and all my friends probably think I'm crazy now. On second thought, I'm probably back to having no friends.

I must be the world's biggest freaking idiot. I let myself fall for him again. Not the one who made me miserable but the one that I used to be with. I know I'm being confusing but I promised I wouldn't use names. I just don't know how he can go from laying on the sofa day before yesterday and rubbing my back and telling me how much he's missed me and that I'm beautiful and having me kiss his cheek when I walked in, to saying "you're not my girlfriend," and pushing me away from him on the sofa as soon as another girl walked in last night. She was already with another guy and he still pushed me away from him. I wasn't even touching him or anything. I wasn't even sitting that close to him and he still pushed me away. Did he think she was just going to walk in and see him, leave her boyfriend, and jump on him or something?

I've missed him so much and then there was the whole incident that I'm not allowed to talk about and we started hanging out again and I thought that maybe, just maybe he had changed and was going to be nice to me. People do not change. I'm not hot enough for him. I'm only beautiful when no one else is around to hear or when he wants something from me. He's always been ashamed of me. Even when we were almost together before. I'd want to go to Wal-Mart or something and he wouldn't go until after midnight so no one would see us together. And when we were all watching the movie last night, he wouldn't even sit anywhere near me. Well, he did reach over and start rubbing my hand once, but he only did it so I'd get up and get him some crackers and soda, which was extremely freaking messed up because he knew I was sitting there crying and aching for him to touch me. I live for him to touch me.

And what's even more messed up is that I still like him. I like him a lot and I want to be with him. But why does he go to so much trouble to hurt me? It must be like some game to him. And yet I like him so much.

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Screw patience. [24 Oct 2003|01:19pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | Baby Bash and Frankie J: Suga Suga ]

Ugh...am up way too early considering the fact that I won't be getting any sleep at all for the next two days. I don't have to be at work tonight until 8 so I was planning on sleeping all day but after last night, I think I'll go check out band practice at Sandy's house. Dang, as much as I'm there, you'd think I was in the freaking band. But I'm not, as I found out rather dramatically last night when I made one tiny little suggestion about a song and got yelled at for about 20 minutes. I got lost on my way to the house and I think I should have just stayed lost. But it did pick up toward the end of the night, I did get two hugs before I left.

I still haven't gotten my email from LiveJournal and it's freaking me out. I sent them a check over a week ago. Granted, it had to go all they way across the country, from VA to OR, but still, it should not be taking this long. I should have just paid the $3.85 to get it there in three days with delivery confirmation. But I thought just this one time I would save a few bucks and just be patient. Screw patient, it's not me.

Okay, gotta go grab a shower so I can look pretty at band practice today, LOL! Later.

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my night... [24 Oct 2003|02:37am]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | Eminem: Superman ]

Okay, so the one who used to make me miserable comes in tonight when I'm working, asks me if I'm losing weight, tells me I looked really pretty at band practice yesterday, and hugs me before he leaves. WTF? And then I get informed that he only did it to make someone in the parking lot jealous. Granted, I don't feel the same for him as I used to but I got to be happy for a whole...half a second. It was nice of him to say even if he didn't mean it. I'd like to believe he meant it, even if just in passing, but things like that just don't happen to me. I'm not that lucky.

I'm sick of playing this stupid game. Everybody just messes with me, like I don't have feelings that get hurt. I swear, they're making me bipolar. I'm either extremely happy or extremely pissed off, there is no in between anymore. I'm either smiling or crying, there is no complacency.

Alright, it's freaking cold and I'm gonna go to bed and try to get some rest considering I only get about 6 hours between my shifts for the next two days at work. Work sucks.

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"suga suga, how you get so fly...?" [22 Oct 2003|02:54pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]
[ music | Beyonce and Sean Paul: Baby Boy ]

Oh my gosh, I am so addicted to that Suga Suga song by Frankie J. I've been listening to the radio all day trying to catch it to record it until I can get the CD and they haven't been playing it. I went to the bathroom once and guess what, they played it. I was so pissed but I rushed out and recorded half of it, LOL!

Supposed to be leaving in a few minutes to go watch Mark's band practice. I've been looking foward to it all day and I hope it works out. I always get so excited and get all my hopes up and then people forget to call me or they decide not to have practice or something. My tarot cards were good this morning though, the center of my celtic cross was the Sun and that made me happy. It's about time I got to shine, LOL!

I went out last night for a while and that did me a lot of good even though all I did was ride around with Yvonne for about an hour and half. There was absolutely nothing to do last night and no one was out. We just drove around and talked. But then her boy got off work so she went home and nobody else had called me so I went home too. But that was okay, I was tired. I'm still tired. I stay tired. Oh well.

Later.

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... [21 Oct 2003|03:38am]
[ mood | enraged ]
[ music | Murderdolls: White Wedding ]

I don't feel well. I've just been looking around LiveJournal.com (I'll have mine sometime this week!!!) and I came upon the search where you can put in a certain interest and see the other communities and people that have listed that interest. Just for fun, LOL, I put in 'losing weight' and you would not believe how many names came up. But the depressing part is that over half of the users and communities that listed this as an interest are devoted to anorexia and bulimia (Ana and Mia as they've pet named them), and not just devoted to them, but devoted to pointing out the beauty of people that have these diseases. To quote one of the girls, "I noticed my lovely ribs and hip bones that keep sticking out further and further." Lovely? Lovely??? Call me crazy but the only one I know that considers bones lovely is my dog. Granted, I want to be thin, but these girls have serious issues. Most of them fast for days on end. I can understand that to a certain extent, I've done it, it's a control issue, but as soon as you start eating again, the weight comes right back. When I first met the one that I'm getting over, I didn't eat for four days and lost 12 lbs. But, to make a long story short, got hungry one night, went to Wendy's and had a bacon cheeseburger and the next morning it was like those four days had never happened.

I've spent the better part of two hours on the Internet searching for some kind of pill that will give me energy and make me not want to eat but at the same time not give me a stroke and a heart three times its normal size, and I've come to a conclusion, this pill does not exist. People keep telling me, just go on a diet, just get out and run or whatever, but it's just not like that for me. I feel like I have to be on something. I like being on something. Even if its effects are all in my mind I still feel like I have something helping me. I want to be on something. For the longest time I was considering just going on something illegal, but I searched out the effects of the drug that I wanted and, dear God, I'd be thin, but everyone would know how I got thin. I do not consider rotting teeth, a constantly bleeding nose, pus filled bumps under my skin, and a chemical smell emanating from my pores very attractive.

I want so badly to be beautiful. I always have. Not possessing beauty oneself, one becomes obsessed with it. I love beautiful things and beautiful people. I'm cursed with beautiful friends. I guess you could say I'm attention starved. But I contradict myself. When I see all the dirty old men that hit on my friends at work, it makes me ill, like really, physically ill. It's just nasty. And then I have to think that along with all the pretty young things that they get attention from, the dirty old men go along with it. Maybe that's why I'm not pretty like they are. I wouldn't put up with that shit. I just wouldn't.

And how would I know if anybody ever liked me for the person that I am instead of what I look like. At least I know that if people hang out with me now, it's because they like me for who I am. Maybe being unattractive is safer than being beautiful.

And these days it's not enough to be thin. You have to have the tiny little waist and wrists and ankles, but still have the big boobs and the big old ghetto booty. And then you have to have the whitest teeth and the manicured nails and the perfect cheekbones. And then you have to be wearing the Tommy jeans and the midriff baring Abercrombie t-shirt and the prissy white K-Swiss's and carrying a Prada bag. And then you have to have the karat of diamonds in each ear and the newest up to date cell phone attached to your Gucci belt and be wearing the Anne Taylor sunglasses. And on top of all these things you have to have, you have to be carrying them all around in a new Eclipse or Tiburon or Mustang bought with the money you earned by begging daddy.

Screw it. Just screw everything. I'm going to become a hermit and stay at home where I can be ugly in peace. Let the six-foot-two, 105 lb. supermodels, and the J.Lo.'s with their bubble butts, and all the chicks in the music videos willing to walk around naked and stripped of any and all respect that they would ever have from anybody, rule the world. Then it can be full of beautiful skinny people and no one will have to worry about looking at disgusting disgraces such as myself.

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random ranting... [20 Oct 2003|01:20pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | Pink: Trouble ]

I'm beginning to hate 9:30 a.m. Dern if my phone didn't ring again this morning at exactly the same time it rang yesterday morning. This time it was my house phone though and they were wanting me to come into work 2 1/2 hours early. I was so mad that they woke me up that early in the morning to ask me to come in at 3 in the afternoon, but hey, I need the hours so I didn't complain. Three to midnight is a sucky shift. But at least I have time to get things done and I won't be there by myself tonight. But we do start a whole new check cashing system today so I'm probably going to spend the day getting cursed at. Oh well, I like when customers start cursing at me because I can have someone escort them right out the door and cordially invite them not to come back. They start apologizing real quick, LOL!

I'm still so tired. There must be some giant conspiracy against my getting any restful sleep. I sleep waaaaay too much but I always wake up just as tired as before I went to bed. I'm just...drained. There's always something on my mind that just takes over my entire subconscious when I'm asleep and I always wake up troubled.

I'm in a sticky situation right now. I'm torn between feeling sorry for someone who is just as naive as I am but tries to pretend he's all hard and winds up getting taken advantage of, and not feeling sorry for him at all because he is a fool and he couldn't see what he had when he had it. Boys are so stupid. They're oblivious. They see the pretty face and never even bother to look at what's behind it. They hear pretty words and don't even notice the expression of boredom on that face that tells the whole story of "I'm just using you to get what I want and then you're history."

I let myself get used a lot more than I should, but at least I know what's going on. I know that when someone comes to me and says "You're cool and let's hang out and go eat and then see a movie and you pay this time and I'll get the next one, but I don't want to date anyone right now." that of course translates into "I'm bored and you're the only one here and I don't want to date you." And sometimes, I go along with it, just because I'm bored too and lonely. And I know I'm going to get ditched, I freaking know that, but I do it anyway. And then there are the things that I do for people out of the goodness of my heart, of which there is not much left, LOL, and those I never regret doing, but it just doesn't seem to do me any good. One could argue that if I think I should get something in return, then it is not out of the goodness of my heart, but I'm not talking about material returns. It's hard to be nice and do nice things for people and get thrown away like yesterday's newspaper when it suits someone's fancy. I would have been so good to him. So good. Anyways. I am getting over him, I truly am. Him coming in work last night and asking for my cashier that set him up with his flame du jour and finding out that he hadn't seen her all day after what he gave her a couple of days before, did wonders for me. The evil part of me wants to say "Ha, exactly what he deserves." but that is not the real me. The real me still does feel sorry for him that he's going to miserable forever if he spends his life chasing after the myriad of pretty faces attached to black hearts. But I am getting over him. It didn't even hurt when I saw him last night. I sort of just felt sorry for him. I think it's about time I fell in love with myself and let the rest come along when it's time for them to come.

Whew, felt good to get that out of my system. Maybe now I can get on with my day. Let's go get cursed at for 9 hours, Whoo Hoo!

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So Yesterday... [19 Oct 2003|04:57pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

Yesterday was such a great day. I haven't had that much fun in a long, long time, even though I am sore in some unusual places, LOL! Only joking. Went out with a couple of friends and had the greatest time. Walked around the mall for about four hours, drove around too many cities to count, ate way too many times, and used up an entire tank of gas in Sandy's new car, LOL! I was completely dead when I got home last night. We left at about 2 in the afternoon and I didn't get home until 2 in the morning. I'm still tired. Cell phones are a curse. At least most people have the decency to wait until after noon to call me, but I'm sure I pissed someone off this morning when my phone rang at about 9:30 and I answered with "I'm sleeping. Leave me alone." And then I hung up. Gonna have to check my caller ID and find out who's not speaking to me now, LOL!

Ugh. Gotta get ready to go to work. Ever have one of those days when getting off the sofa just requires too much of an effort? This is one of those days. I know I should be thankful for my job, but just...ugh. I want to go back to sleep. Sleep is good. 18 hours a day is not too much, no matter what anyone says, LOL.

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"Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory..." [18 Oct 2003|04:22am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | see below... ]

Ain't it funny how a song can change your mood in about half a second?

Like, on my way to work, I was feeling pretty good...

"Laugh it off and let it go
And when you wake up you will see
It's so yesterday, so yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay"

And then I got home and I'm watching the countdown on VH1 and it's all Three Doors Down singing about...

"I'm here without you but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, it's only you and me."

And isn't it funny how you can apply just about every song to the situation you're in at the moment??? But that Three Doors Down song...just...damn. Did they write it for me? I shouldn't be thinking about the person it reminds me of. I gotta go listen to some Slipknot or something. I'd much rather be angry than depressed.

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Work Sucks [18 Oct 2003|01:58am]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Mushroom Head: Solitare Unraveling (it's on Headbanger's Ball) the video is really freaking me out, LOL ]

Work Sucks. I only have 19 hours next week and we're going to start closing two hours earlier week after next for the whole winter. How do they expect me to live on 19 hours a week??? That's not even a hundred dollar check after taxes and union dues. A 19 hour check won't even pay my insurance for the week and put gas in my car. And forget having any money for food and Cherry Coke and cool stuff like that. It's back to Spaghetti-O's and ghetto soda. Work Sucks.

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... [17 Oct 2003|01:15am]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Jay Gordon: Slept So Long: Queen of the Damned Soundtrack ]

I am sooooooooo tired. I worked 5 to midnight tonight without a break. I'm trying to teach another girl how to be a manager and she has absolutely no common sense. Or maybe I have no patience. Probably the second one, LOL!

At least two of my friends showed up so that made me happy for the 10 seconds that I got to talk to them. And I got a tape of my friend Mark's band and that made me really happy. They're a really good band. They've come a long way. The one who makes me miserable is in the band too but Mark makes up for it by being so nice to me. He's been REALLY nice lately and I do appreciate it. I don't know how nice I could be to someone who spends all her time depressed and brooding over my best friend. He's dealing well though and he makes me feel good about myself. We did have some good times together in the past. And, on a good note, I have something to do Saturday. We're going somewhere to...what did they call it...'wander.' They promised they wouldn't forget about me.

I'm getting up in 5 hours to take my Mom to work because her car is broken. I'm considering not even sleeping but that's going to make work terrible tomorrow. Yuck.

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I need to strangle someone [16 Oct 2003|03:16am]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Staind: Mudshovel ]

Oh. My. God. I was so mad earlier. Let's just say my horoscope was completely off. Two of my friends showed up at work so that made me happy. And I got to be happy for about a whole minute and a half until the one who's making me miserable showed up, proclaiming that he hated all women and then proceeded to claim that he needed some ass and walk into my store and hit on my cashier. She won't be with him, but, knowing that I like him, decided to set him up with one of her friends anyway. They left together. I punched the wall.

It's looking like I have more friends than I thought because all of them are standing up for me to him. Two of my girls have taken him aside in the past couple days and told him what an ass he's being. I'm thankful to them but he thinks I'm asking them to do it, which I am not. And then I have to listen to him tell me why I'm not his type, why I'm not, in his words "girlfriend material", for an hour. Like I don't know. I'm not anyone's type. It doesn't matter. He's going to think what he wants anyways.

Someone tried to tell me that he would act like this and I didn't listen. I should have. He only hung out with me because he didn't know anyone else. And as soon as he met a couple of new people I was thrown away. Just like always. I'm desperately clinging to a relationship that does not, and I am now convinced, never will, exist. It really is his loss. I would have been so good to him. He would never have wanted for anything. And I'm sure he knows that. It's like "There's Crystal, she's so sweet, she'd do anything in the world for me, she's always there when no on else is, she's ALWAYS there when I need her, but oh well, forget her, I need a pretty piece of ass."

Well, I hope he got it. And I hope he gets some kind of disease to go along with it. I shouldn't say that. I'll ammend it. I hope he gets some kind of temporary disease, something that is painful and itches very badly for about a week. LOL! I really shouldn't say that. I would never wish disease on anybody. I'm just pissed right now.

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The next morning... [15 Oct 2003|12:47pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Woke up waaaaay too early today with the most awful headache. The space above my left eye is just throbbing. It's my own fault though. For a while now I've been taking those OTC ephedrine/caffeine/ginseng pills and a couple of days ago I decided to stop because I was getting this really tight feeling in my chest all the time. I'm having caffeine withdrawals. It used to happen when I didn't have my coffee before school in the mornings. Oooohh...coffee...that's a good idea.

My mom came over this morning and woke me up to get the money for my car insurance. Boy did that put a dent in my wallet, over a hundred and twenty dollars gone. And on top of that, it's time to renew the policy and the rates are going up. I swear, they charge us another $10 every six months.

I have to go to work later so I should probably go and wash my hair and stuff. I hate work. Anyone who has ever been a cashier will sympathize with me. Well, they tell me I'm a cashier/manager but they only add that /manager part so that I have to stay 'til midnight every night. It's such a thankless job, and on top of that it is so freaking monotonous. I've been there for four years and it's gotten to the point that I can tell you who's going to come in on which day, what time, and what they're going to buy when they get there. But, what are you gonna do, right? I gotta have gas for the car and satellite for the TV, LOL!

My horoscope was surprisingly good today. It said today would be a good day and as long as I handled it with grace, things would be going the way I want them to. And my center Tarot card was the Empress with the Ten of Cups right above it signaling a time of great reward. I'm in that sort of mood where it can go either way, depending on the first event that either annoys me or makes me happy. My friend Yvonne just called to make sure I was okay because I didn't awnser the phone all last night so I guess that was a good thing. But she also said she only called five times last night to borrow a movie because she and her boyfriend were bored. Oh well, those two sort of balanced each other out so now I have to wait for the next significant event, LOL! Waiting to see what happens...

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Chapter 1 [15 Oct 2003|01:31am]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | Mudvayne: Not Falling ]

Well, I guess I should just start off by saying Hey, I'm warpedangel, and if I tried to describe to you where I am in my life right now, it would have to be 'a little left of center'. I don't even know if anyone will ever see this journal or not, but I've been meaning to start one for a long time and I had nothing better to do tonight. What's sad is that I haven't had anything better to do for too many nights lately.

I just turned 21 and I sit at home almost all the time. My job is crappy and my life is completely screwed up. I have too many disorders and complexes to go into and I'm convinced that I've had several small nervous breakdowns. I don't know a single person that I can truly call 'friend'. I have many acquaintances but none that I can seriously trust. I'm too nice and I let myself get walked all over in the hopes that someone will want to be close to me and give me the human interaction that I crave. It never works. I'm everyone's best friend when they need a ride somewhere, or need to borrow five bucks, or need a shoulder to cry on when they get broken up with, but when it's time to go to a concert, or go to Sharky's to shoot pool, or even go to Wal-Mart to just goof off, I don't exist. If one more person calls me their 'go-to gal', I'm going to flip out.

Of course, there is a very obvious reason for this fact, I am not your typical version of beauty. In fact, I'm not even sure I have any version of beauty. Two centuries ago, I would have been courted by every boy in town and praised for my health and 'strength'. Today, I'm just ignored because I don't fit the Cosmo cover girl outfit. I am looked at as nothing more than an annoyance, a fly to be swatted, someone who would be phased out in the first stages of selective breeding. A certain someone keeps telling me, 'You have to go out and make things happen for yourself. You have to get out and meet people.' Well, yeah, that's a whole lot easier said than done. A good looking person can walk up to any group of people and be instantly accepted. I try that and a) I get laughed at or b) I get completely ignored. Understand I live in a small town where you are pretty much typecast from birth. The lawyers and doctors own this town and if you don't have money...you're an outcast. It's all about where you shop and what kind of car your daddy can buy you. I absolutely despise people who think they're better than others and yet I feed right into it and let them intimidate the hell out of me. I have so many issues. I am forever jumping at the chance of someone to trust, especially guys, and it never ever works out. Ever. I just want someone to be close to me.

Well, now that we've gotten all that out of the way, LOL. I'm a 21 year old, extremely morbid Virgo who fulfills every prophecy of her sign. I like music in it's purest passionate forms: classical and heavy metal, and I'm a serious book and movie freak. My longest obsession to date is with The Crow and my newest is with Underworld, although anything with sexy vampires will do. I have the most awful vampire fetish. Bite me and I'll cling to your leg forever, LOL! I write and have a passion for intense and dark poetry. I have hardly any artistic talent so my pictures are painted using my first love and favoite medium: words. I am consumed with imagery. I have a decent singing voice and would love to be in a band but I don't play any instruments well enough and I am not attractive enough to be a frontperson. I dream of the day when everyone that I've ever hurt for will suffer at my feet. And that day will come. Sooner or later everything will come full circle and all will be made right. And you will be hearing more about all those people later, I'm sure, LOL! I think guys with long hair are absolutely beautiful, the longer the better. Guys should never be allowed to but their hair. EVER. I have one tattoo and numerous scars to remind me of certain people and occasions. Cutting is a ritual for me and understand that I have to do it to keep my sanity.

Okay, well, I have just taken you on a tour of a place that few dare to enter and even fewer have remained the same upon emerging from: the vast labrynth that is my scarred psyche. And if you aren't having nightmares about the trip, you are welcome back here anytime. I'm so screwed up that I'm sure you'll feel better about yourself after reading my entries, LOL! Until next time...

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