||Murderdolls: White Wedding
I don't feel well. I've just been looking around LiveJournal.com (I'll have mine sometime this week!!!) and I came upon the search where you can put in a certain interest and see the other communities and people that have listed that interest. Just for fun, LOL, I put in 'losing weight' and you would not believe how many names came up. But the depressing part is that over half of the users and communities that listed this as an interest are devoted to anorexia and bulimia (Ana and Mia as they've pet named them), and not just devoted to them, but devoted to pointing out the beauty of people that have these diseases. To quote one of the girls, "I noticed my lovely ribs and hip bones that keep sticking out further and further." Lovely? Lovely??? Call me crazy but the only one I know that considers bones lovely is my dog. Granted, I want to be thin, but these girls have serious issues. Most of them fast for days on end. I can understand that to a certain extent, I've done it, it's a control issue, but as soon as you start eating again, the weight comes right back. When I first met the one that I'm getting over, I didn't eat for four days and lost 12 lbs. But, to make a long story short, got hungry one night, went to Wendy's and had a bacon cheeseburger and the next morning it was like those four days had never happened.
I've spent the better part of two hours on the Internet searching for some kind of pill that will give me energy and make me not want to eat but at the same time not give me a stroke and a heart three times its normal size, and I've come to a conclusion, this pill does not exist. People keep telling me, just go on a diet, just get out and run or whatever, but it's just not like that for me. I feel like I have to be on something. I like being on something. Even if its effects are all in my mind I still feel like I have something helping me. I want to be on something. For the longest time I was considering just going on something illegal, but I searched out the effects of the drug that I wanted and, dear God, I'd be thin, but everyone would know how I got thin. I do not consider rotting teeth, a constantly bleeding nose, pus filled bumps under my skin, and a chemical smell emanating from my pores very attractive.
I want so badly to be beautiful. I always have. Not possessing beauty oneself, one becomes obsessed with it. I love beautiful things and beautiful people. I'm cursed with beautiful friends. I guess you could say I'm attention starved. But I contradict myself. When I see all the dirty old men that hit on my friends at work, it makes me ill, like really, physically ill. It's just nasty. And then I have to think that along with all the pretty young things that they get attention from, the dirty old men go along with it. Maybe that's why I'm not pretty like they are. I wouldn't put up with that shit. I just wouldn't.
And how would I know if anybody ever liked me for the person that I am instead of what I look like. At least I know that if people hang out with me now, it's because they like me for who I am. Maybe being unattractive is safer than being beautiful.
And these days it's not enough to be thin. You have to have the tiny little waist and wrists and ankles, but still have the big boobs and the big old ghetto booty. And then you have to have the whitest teeth and the manicured nails and the perfect cheekbones. And then you have to be wearing the Tommy jeans and the midriff baring Abercrombie t-shirt and the prissy white K-Swiss's and carrying a Prada bag. And then you have to have the karat of diamonds in each ear and the newest up to date cell phone attached to your Gucci belt and be wearing the Anne Taylor sunglasses. And on top of all these things you have to have, you have to be carrying them all around in a new Eclipse or Tiburon or Mustang bought with the money you earned by begging daddy.
Screw it. Just screw everything. I'm going to become a hermit and stay at home where I can be ugly in peace. Let the six-foot-two, 105 lb. supermodels, and the J.Lo.'s with their bubble butts, and all the chicks in the music videos willing to walk around naked and stripped of any and all respect that they would ever have from anybody, rule the world. Then it can be full of beautiful skinny people and no one will have to worry about looking at disgusting disgraces such as myself.