Lost, of the Depraved Tribe's Journal
I hate being in the Army. I love being a soldier and all(Infantry, HOOAH!!) but I miss my friends. I can't believe I left them behind for this. No matter how much you like something, there's no fun in it unless you can share it with your friends. My friends are 19 hrs away. I went to the commisary yesterday and it reminded me of how Juan and I used to go to HEB just to walk around and look at stuff 'cause we were bored. Fuck. It's always the little things. I felt all sad and depressed and left after buying only toothpaste. And to make matters worse, I walked down the pet aisle and saw a lot of cat food. Great another reminder of a soul I left behind - my cat. Though that's more like abandonment 'cause he doesn't understand that I joined the Army, he just knows I've left. Guilt guilt guilt.
I miss my friends, all of them. I've been talking on the phone 'till my ear hurts and I still keep talking.
I don't know what else to write, I never even thought about this thing until last night.
Well, my Army roommates suck ass. They're always getting drunk despite being minors, they're stupid when they're drunk and to make matters worse they come home after I"ve fallen asleep yelling at eachother 'cause they're drunk. Last night they got into a fight with some other people that actually found it's way into the Apt. and now shit's broken including a window. Fucking idiots. When they reassign us to the barracks(after adding a fourth bunk per room so they can move us out of the family housing) we're gonna have to pay for that shit. I ain't paying a damn dime it's not my fault they gotta be stupid. I was asleep until they started yelling and bumping around the house anyway. I go to sleep at 8 or 9 now just because I'd rather be in bed than having to deal with their existance. And I was really dizzy last night for some reason so that just laid me out.
Then, Williams comes and gets me after the fight saying that "some foools are gonna buck shots at us" and I'm still dizzy wearing nothing but pants(after putting them on after he woke me up) and thinking to myself that I don't have anything to shoot back with. HOpefully it's just his stupid Seattle slang for somebody wanting to fight, so I ask him three diffenerent times what's going on hoping he'll use different terminology, but he just says the same thing "buck shots at us". I ask where Villalobos and Ortiz are 'cause I know they'll have a better grip on the situation than him and we wait for them at the front door. I car starts driving by and I get rush of fear, but then I realize it's going to fast for a drive-by. Villalobos shows up says the MPs(MIlitary Police) are coming and to go to sleep. I comply immediately(I"m still dizzy) and it's not like I give a fuck if somebody wants to fight with my roommates, nobody's pissed me off yet except them, but as I go back up the stairs I hear Williams refusing to leave. As I lay in bed I hear Villalobos yelling at somebody and a lot of thumping and try to ignore to go to sleep.
Then, Williams opens my door turns on my light and says he's gonna pass out on my floor. I have to hold him up and walk him to his room 'cause he's too drunk to know where he's at or to stand up on his own power. AFter one failed attempt at getting into his own bed he finally makes it and I tell him he'll feel better in the morining but only if he goes to sleep now(I don't want him 'causing more trouble throughout the night by being awake) and go downstairs to assess the damage. The windows broken and a lot of shit's upturned, but my tv and gaming consoles are untouched. If my shit was damaged I would have grabbed the Bokkuden Wakazashi and done some damage of my own.
Fuck, I hate this place. I left my friends for this?
Yesterday, I clicked on "Don't auto-format" but it turned my post into one huge, ugly blob anyway. I use actual paragraphs, but not according to blurty.com. Stupid. They probably don't know what they're talking about and have switched meanings around. Today I won't click "Don't auto-format" and we'll see what happens.
I don't condone swearing. Swearwords are the vocabulary of the intellectually lacking. That's what I've always believed. Well, when I'm pissed, I am intellectually lacking. It also just feels dirty. Like I'm lowering myself to someone else's standards.
I'm going to expand a bit on yesterday's post.
Allen: What's sad is that when I visit his house, I hang out with his little brother's just as much as or more than I hang out with him. Really, I do like those guys, but when a college student is hanging out with a seventh grader, it's just pitiful.
Heather and Amber: I'm not just worried about me and Amber, I'm pissed as well. One would think that if the only connection you had with a friend was the phone that you'd call them every once in a while. At least. But no, she's too absorbed with her piss-ant asshole boyfriend. I've revealed to her that he's a lier, I've revealed to her that he's a thief, and she should know by now that he's a coward, yet she still dates the punk. Really, it's just because of a self-confidence-lacking issue she has because of her being overweight, but that's not an excuse to date an asshole.
And Heather, what the fuck. I'm just tired of all the shit. From both of them.
I hate how stupid I've become.
Somehow my intellgence has regressed over the years. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't even smoke. What's wrong with me? My friends and I joke that's all the headbanging I do, but I don't know.
There was time when I quick, I was fast. If I was talking to someone about something I knew about, even while I was talking and all this thought was going through my mind(don't know about you, but I actually think about the subject during a conversation. Saves me from saying something stupid) I would be running all the exposition I had on the subject at the same time and nothing would get by me. These days, I'm not in any deep thought about the subject, there's exposition, but it's disconnected from the fore of my concious thought and thus useless, and there are times when I say something completely wrong only to realize it moments later.
It's not just conversation either. I'm not thinking things through before I do them, even though I believe I am. I've done so much stupid crap because my focus is so narrow these days. I want lateral thinking, but I've got none. I'm not even sure if it's actually called 'lateral thinking' in the first place. It could be that what I'm actually doing is lateral thinking and the good way of thinking is called something else.
Fuck. My comprehension is slipping too. I'm probably devolving(not that I believe in evolution) without the benefits of it being my offspring who go down a level, it's all just me. Survivor of the fittest(smartest) I ain't.
It all just sucks.
Current mood: This is stupid..
Current music: So is this..
I'm here at the college computer in the Learning Assitance Center wondering what to write about. Well, writing in my bio reminded me of something: my friends are fucked up. Not all of them, and not in the manner that you may be thinking. What I'm talking about is how they treat me. Often, I seriously question whether they care about me at all, or if I'm just a guy they like to hang out with or whatnot. This doesn't apply to all of them fortunately, just a few of them.
Allen never calls me to ask if I wanna hang out. It's always the other way around. I don't think he calls anybody, but still, it's fucked up. He didn't even invite me to his birthday party. I found out about it from some mutual friends on the day it was taking place who encouraged me to call him and ask about it. Personally, I feel that if you're not invited, you're not wanted, so I didn't want to make the call, but being in their house, with them right there, I felt obligated to oblige(heh) and did so. He said to come over and hang out, seemingly like he wanted me to. If he wanted me to, then why didn't he call. He knows my number. I still don't know why I gave him $40 as a gift.
That just seemed so typical and stupid. Pissed off over a birthday party. I want you to realize that it's representative of our entire relationship.
Heather and Amber never call me. Sisters, Heather being older, I met her first. It's always me who calls them. And these days, Amber and I have nothing to talk about. I don't know about you, but that's a bad thing to me. You figure that if you truly care about someone that you'd be able to carry a conversation with them. And Heather, she acts like she doesn't even care anymore. Wheneve I see her in the hall(I'm not allowed to go to their house anymore, their mother thinks I'm a threat to her daughters and is afraid I'll get mad enough to beat them. Then she smiles and acts all cordially when she sees me in public, but tells me in private that I'm danger. Fucking bitch) she acts like it's not important to her. You'd think that if the only time you got to see someone you care about was in the halls of your college, you'd try to make the most of it. But no, she just makes small talk(if she pays attention to me at all) and breezes on by to her class. Fucking bitch. I once asked her what I am to her and she responded that I am her best friend. Well, some fucking best friend. She's one of only two people in this entire world who I would sacrifice everything for, and that's the shit I get in return? That's what I get for being her 'best friend', cold indiferrence?
And why is it that noone wants to talk about me. When ever I talk with my friends I honestly and genuinley want to know what's going on in their lives. If they have problems, I try my best to offer a solution, or all the empathy I can muster. They go on about all the shit in their lives, all their problems and hardships, and I genuinly care and I try my best in every situation. But do they give a shit about me? Oh sure, Snyder's the shoulder for everyone to cry on(figuratively), but do they give a fuck about what's happening in my life? Has there been a single conversation where they ask me what's going on in my life? The closest any of them have ever gotten is if I look mad and they ask me what's wrong. Wow, how fucking affectionate of them.
I'm going to go do something else now.
Current mood: angstandfrustrationmix.
Current music: None. You think my thoughts have background music?.