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[05 Oct 2005|11:21pm] |
Ouch. Honesty hurts sometimes. Particularly honesty towards myself.
Dammit Seth, that secret thing was both a great idea and a terrible one.
I think I might need a good cry and a long talk with my love.
(Fully realizing that careful reading will reveal which secrets were mine.)
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[04 Oct 2005|04:44pm] |
My attempt to learn Spanish begins....now.
I'm saving up to go to Guatemala. My aunt has a place there and she's invited me to go visit. my biggest problem with wanting to travel is that all of the places i want to go speak another language than English. And the only other language I know (a bit of) is French. Not practical for me unless I'm in Quebec swearing at McDonald's employees for putting mayo on my fries. I don't want to be too much of a putz trying to get around the country, so here goes. I have five months to get it to a level that I am comfortable speaking to ther people with. This shouldn't be too hard as two of my roomates lived in Mexico for six months.
I'll have no trouble asking for booze. And I already know how to ask directions to a whorehouse. I'm set.
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[03 Oct 2005|06:24pm] |
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I feel bad that I have failed to post. So much has happened.
I work at a coffee shop (again). Scroll back through some of my earlier posts and you'll find that this may or may not be a bad case of history repeating. Today was so bloody hard, but so satisfying that I'm shocked. I came home with enough tips to make me feel like the richest girl in the world. Then I have to realize that $28 does not cut it and won't even buy me those boots I want.
I have my own room. With my own bed. With my own books which I finally got back from Alley. And my own computer. And my own so many damn things that it's hard to believe that a month ago I was living out of my duffel bag.
Life is beautiful and I'm in love. I'm happy and exhausted. And now I don't feel quite as bad.
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[05 Jul 2005|07:56am] |
Now in Toronto. This place smells bad randomly, the smog is thick, and fuck I love it. I have spent two nights completely on my own. I went to sleep when I felt like it and woke up when I felt like it. I bought myself groceries and drank from the carton. I talked to Jamaican guys in the park and registered at an employment service. They're going to pay for me to be a bartender.
Such a weird turnaround.
I've gotten in touch with Alley. He's willing to give me back my stuff (finally). I think I might have to go back to Cobourg to do it.
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[02 Jul 2005|01:24pm] |
So this is what happens when you leave a [my family name] to her own devices.
In Scotland we were mercenaries, my father's family has had their headstones desecrated in many towns because of their crimes. There are still places where our name is dirt.
When we get left alone during times of stress, I think it's in our blood to get a little...crazy.
I just spent the morning dancing naked in my mom's living room, and the only word for my mentality right now is tribal. I've only had a moment of clarity just now to write, and I figured I'd record this strangeness. There's a party tonight at a friend's house, and I have no doubt that I'm going to continue just letting loose damnit.
[giggle] I hope I don't hurt anyone tonight.
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| The lake breaks up reception ^__^ |
[01 Jul 2005|09:25am] |
The Waterfront Festival is this wonderful thing that my town pulls off every year. A good place to hide oneself when you just want a chance to get away from the strangeness of current life. And when the recently made ex calls to get girls' numbers off my phone: "what's that? Sorry, you're breaking up. I'm by the lake. What? Hey..." Click. Call dropped. Oh no. (muwahaha, I love that lake)
My mom rocks sometimes. I woke up and found ten dollars stuck to my face (so I drool), and a note that said "No obligations, a gift."
She's expecting me to buy cigarettes, but I'll show her, I'll save it and spend it on food when I get to Toronto, or birth control while I'm here, or a way to Toronto. Something useful to a girl like me.
This is your cue to start running bets on when I'll cave and buy tobacco.
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| Home? *scoff* I have no home. |
[30 Jun 2005|12:35pm] |
Two milk crates and five boxes of books now reside in my mother's storage closet. My childhood dresser is stocked with all the clothes that I won't need for the next two months.
I'm free [andbrokeandalittlehomeless], FREE I TELL YOU!
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| In the sobriety of the morning... |
[29 Jun 2005|02:52pm] |
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Packed up half of my books, all my clothes, most of my jewellery stuff, all my notebooks and typewriter. Need to pack the rest of the books, find tank girl, dismantle my shelf and clean up any residual mess I might leave behind.
And I'm not even moving until tomorrow. God, this happened so fast. I was fully prepared to do the live in discomfort thing.
I'm a little worried about my upcoming arrangements. Dave said that I could stay at his place for free "most of July". And that there was a room available for $400 in August. And that I can move with him and D&C to the warehouse in September.
This means at least two months of living out of a backpack.
Where is my sleeping bag?
So many loose ends to tie up today.
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[29 Jun 2005|01:37am] |
I am quite drunk, and feeling a little ill for it. I have to have all my stuff paked by thursday. I have to leave my guinea pig behind with James. I'm moving to Toronto, to live on the floor of a sorta-friend.
Everything is moving so fast, I have no idea how I'm supposed to be reacting. So I drank. And ate half a pill. Which was dumb, as now I feel like crap, and cannot sleep -___-
I guess I'm getting what I wanted, to pull off life on my own, to prove that I can do it without medication, a boyfriend, or a master. I have debt to pay, a job to find, and a real apartment to get, at some point.
I'm lonely. But slightly liberated. Maybe that's the rum though.
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| Premonition or preparation? |
[28 Jun 2005|10:11am] |
I'm going back to the house today. I will walk in the door, explain to John everything that was going on between me and James, how bad I feel about jeopordizing the sanity of the other housemates, how I understand if they don't want me to live there. But he gets to understand that James and I have talked on the phone about it, that if he kicks me out, I am homeless.
Then a couple of hours after, James is going to walk in that door.
And I get to watch his face close off against me, or worse, crumple when faced with me. We'll go upstairs, cry on each other, him from the pain, me for inflicting it on him. Then he'll curl up in his (our!) bed, and I'll go crash on the couch.
And if I can't find a job in Oshawa, things might get desperate.
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[26 Jun 2005|08:50pm] |
I just spent the past two hours reading over my old entries, enjoying the style I used to have back then. It's very similar to what I have now, but my personal writing has gone downhill since I started at livejournal. I wasn't writing for myself then, just the people watching.
The most important lesson I learned today:
When you break up with someone, it is important not to use big words like "impossible", "maintain", or "relationship". They lead to miscommunication and regret that I hadn't just said "Dude, fuck off, I can't do this anymore."
But it's finally clear, I hope, that we're over. Now on to the trying to hurt him as little as possible while we live in the same house for the next year or so.
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[26 Jun 2005|04:01pm] |
Hiding in plain sight again, this is the only safe place to purge the shit that's been going on.
I deleted all my old friends that ahdn't updated since 2004, and i hope to reconnect with the few of you that are left. If you really want to know what I've been up to: my livejournal. Offline friends reside there, and there are somethins I just cannot tell them. They love James too much.
So past the preamble. I still love James. But I cannot maintain a relationship with him. I need some sense of fucking freedom, independence. I don't want to be an autophobic's nanny anymore.
I hope you enjoy the floor show, it's going to get interesting.
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| And now you have a meme on your friends page ^_^ |
[10 Dec 2003|08:23am] |
I'm such a ninja pirate. ^_^
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| Hmmmm..... |
[10 Dec 2003|08:04am] |
I think I have gossip and bitching and bragging to do. Not really looking to do it here though.
I had a bit of a panic-fest last night. I don't really know what else to write about it. "it was fun"??
I guess I'm just getting bitchy. I don't like getting bitchy. But I take it as a good sign, especially at this time of the month.
Just now starting to wonder where all my brain cells went. I used to be pretty good with the online typing and babbling thing. Now I'm staring at the monitor, still amazed that the internet hasn't crashed yet.
Of course, now I'm screwed. I'm holding my breath, waiting for the "You're Offline. Would You Like To Try To Connect?" window to pop-up.
I think it might be time to work on that layout.
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| So what's with the mouse? |
[10 Dec 2003|08:00am] |
His head is still expanding at an alarming rate. And the people in Guelph never called back.
So that's what's with the mouse.
(Note: I noticed that I never really did follow up on the "I have to go to Guelph" thing ^.~ So there's this)
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[19 Nov 2003|05:51pm] |
Guelph. I have to go to Guelph.
What's in Guelph? The Small Animals Department of Guelph University.
Can they fix your mouse? They sure as hell had better not dissect him.
It had better not cost more than 50 bucks or I'll just let him get sick. I hate saying that.
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| 40 minute countdown |
[15 Nov 2003|03:20pm] |
I'm feeling so socially deprived. The internet just started working relatively reliably again, and no one is online. I just want to grab my friends and make them understand that this is the only way to talk to me. I have no use of a phone, dammit. So when I am online, they must be online. It is the only reasonable thing. -_-;;
Played a bit of Starcraft with Alley. He keeps telling me how good I am. If I'm so good, why do I continue to die?
Waiting for 4 00 pm. So bored. Going to call Ciara and, hopefully, do something. That girl is never home, and whenever she is, she's, ahem, unavailable. I can't bitch, I love that she's getting laid.
Hmmmm.... 34 more minutes?
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| Victory is mine! |
[10 Nov 2003|09:44am] |
See the scene. It's 9:00 am, nice bright morning. Silent. Perhaps a cat paces upstairs as the rest of the house wakes. But downstairs, under the bathroom door, the light is on.
On the door to the washroom is a cute little brass decoration. It's of a grl taking a bath with one leg extended. It is accurate enough for this bathroom, as the tub is too small to do anything but extend your legs over the end. At any rate, you can only see this decoration because the door is closed and a towel isn't draped over it, a laundry having been done the night before.
Suddenly, startlingly, laughter breaks through the silence, making the sleeping dogs bark and pacing cats jump.
The bathroom door opens slowly, revealing a tired girl in blue pajamas adorned with cats and mice. She is grinning larger than she has in weeks and holding a freshly opened box of tampons.
I like happy mornings.
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| Repeat after me: |
[04 Nov 2003|07:13am] |
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I will not ignore the "best before" date. I will pay close attention to the "best before" date. The "best before" date is sacred.
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[26 Oct 2003|05:58pm] |
My mother makes me panic. Jesus.
Stop calling, woman.
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