Sick...I don't why, I just feel sick. I think I'm going ot wait for Fritz to call me instead of me calling him...if he wants to know how I feel he can read this - I hope he is. Gen? Tell him to read my journal please, I don't think I can tell him. But yeah - I do feel sick, I don't know why.
I spilled anc cracked an eflask in Chemestry, It had acid in it as well as asprin - that's what we made. It was the precipitate. So yes I smell like Acid now, should wash up before parents start wondering...I really need a hug and someone to hold me for a while, any offers? I didn't think so...want sleep too. Oh well, nothing I can do about it, so I'm better off not sulking. Although I probably will anyways lol. *closes eyes and shakes head* Wake Up!
Another good thing happend, Jacob - I wrote on him and was craking jokes with him in Gym. He's funny. A good friend indeed.
I wish I could've been born and lived durring the Holocust. (is that how it's spelled? I apologize if it isn't.) I really do, to go through that torture and die, to go through something no one else in the world will ever understand. To know what I can do in the face of death, and to know what I will do to in times of fear. To go through that expiernce, to feel the pain of loosing what matters most to you - to loose the very essence of being labled a human. To be forced to work, and get treated without remorse. I would like ot know how that feels. To go though that, I wish I could've lived durring that time peirod. I think I would've prefered to live there and go through the pain and know what humans are cpable of. It would be better than having to simply go through the pain I feel now. Fore that pain I feel now is unsless and uneeded.
I started my season again, go into a suicidal plot, feel like shit and want to die. Next I go into summer where i make a huge mistake and then recover and still feel like shit and suicidal. Next school starts and I am a compelte loner everyone hates. Finally I find some friends, very few, but some. Then I become happy, something good happens, then it all goes down hill and want to die again. I want to die, plane and simple. The reason I won't do it? I don't have a big enough reason to. Im not going to be stupid and kill myself simply because I want to, there is not a big enough reason to do it yet. But I'm sick of feeling like this, sick of waiting for a reason to do it. If things don't shape up for me in some shape or form, I'm going to do it. Simply so that I am out of everyone's way, including my own. No more having to feel any pain - that will be a big relief. But yes...I still must wait till the end of the school year, unfortunetly.
But oh well, Im going to try and eat something now...don't feel as sick as I was before and I haven't eaten anything too much today. Talk to you all later. *kiss and hug* If you want to hold me or hug me you can call or randomly come over - I'd appreciate it greatly!
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depressed.