alright, while my friend was making me look up that other fanfic, i decided to look around and see what else they have. o.m.g. i found this one (i clicked on it b/c it said uber parody....hahahahha, genius) and i laughed my ass off. y'all have to read it. if you've seen the movies, then you should be good. omg, it's so great. or maybe it's b/c i've only had like three hours of sleep after spending the whole day canoeing. hmm. either way, READ THIS!!! if it sucks, then...er...just content yourself w/ the though that every bone in my body hurts and i keep hitting my knee w/ the huge bruise against stuff (i'm such a klutz)
this is by magic carpet ride and it's called "X2: The Uber Parody" (it's still unfinished)
Cut to shot of : The White House
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: Who *cares* about the White House? Get to Wolverine!
THE REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Shut up! Some of us are watching for the plot!
Meanwhile On- screen
An EVIL LOOKING blue mutant is RAMPAGING through the White House and KNOCKING OVER guards in what is supposed to be an incredibly TENSE and EXCITING scene. Unfortunately, the camera shakes so much, no one knows what the hell is going on.
DESPERATE FANGIRL IN AUDIENCE: I want to see Wolveri-
THE DESPERATE FANGIRL has a ROLL OF DUCT TAPE and a TICKET STUB shoved in her mouth for being so annoying.
EVIL LOOKING MUTANT: *Attacks the President.*
THE PRESIDENT: *Screams like a girl.*
TRUSTY SECURITY GUARD: Don't worry Mr President! I'll save you! *shoots EVIL LOOKING mutant*
EVIL LOOKING MUTANT: *vanishes, leaving a spiffy looking knife in the President's ass*
At some Museum/Boring 'Educational' place
JEAN GREY: *Cries in a manner that reminds us of Charity from Passions* Oh Scott! Why do I get this horrible feeling something terrible is going to happen!
CYCLOPS: Since I have all but three scenes in this movie, and my on-screen charisma is about the same as a sopping wet towel, I'd better make the most of this. * Proceeds to act MANLY* Don't worry Jean my love, I won't let anything happen to you!
JEAN GREY: Really? *Flutters eyelashes*
CYCLOPS: Yes. *Flutters eyelashes back*
They begin to EMBRACE and whisper SWEET NOTHINGS in each others ears.
STORM: *looking uncomfortable* Um, the children are making a scene. Should we go stop them?
JEAN GREY: They'll be fine…*Whispers to Scott about the lack of people in the ANCIENT POTTERY section of the museum.
CYCLOPS: I have suddenly developed an interest in… Ancient East-Tibetan plates. Jean, would you mind accompanying me to the Ancient Pottery section?
JEAN GREY: *flirtatiously* With pleasure…
In the Museum Cafeteria
PYRO is setting an irritating HECKLER on FIRE. This gives the impression he is EVIL and will probably SWITCH SIDES during the film. ICEMAN is trying to stop him, but is FAILING MISERABLY.
ROGUE: Ugh, ah can’t believe you guys are so immature! Ah will now conveniently ignore the fact that Wolverine is the most irresponsible mutant to ever walk the face of the earth and preach…. LOGAN WOULD NEVER DO THIS!
ICEMAN: *ignoring screaming HECKLER in the background* You really don't love me do you?
ROGUE: Of course ah do! Ah only worship Logan in a Pagan God-like way. Ah would certainly never leave you for his tall, rugged, hairy manliness and totally buff body…*begins to drool uncontrollably*
ICEMAN: Um, Rogue…you're drooling…Are you thinking about me?
Meanwhile, the HECKLER is still on FIRE. PYRO is LAUGHING EVILLY, once again giving the impression he advocates cruelty to humans and will SWITCH SIDES.
Suddenly the scene PAUSES, and everyone in the room is frozen in a RIDICULOUS, STUPID, or COMPROMISING POSITION.
ROGUE: What's goin’ on?
PROFESSOR X wheels out towards the young mutants.
Before he manages to open his mouth, most of the AUDIENCE and MUTANTS fall asleep, knowing an inevitable WISE LECTURE is coming.
PROF X: *Proceeds to make a long boring speech, that nobody listens to.*
JEAN GREY and CYCLOPS return, looking slightly disheveled.
CYCLOPS: What did we miss?
JEAN GREY: You missed nothing babe, you hit the right spot everytime…
STORM: Oh for God's sakes - get a room!
Cut to: Some place where it's snowing, and more importantly; a shot of Wolverine tramping through the snow
DESPERATE FAN GIRL: *muffled because of the DUCT TAPE and TICKET STUB*
Oh myth GOD ith Wolverine!!!
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: *Swoon*
WOLVERINE is HIKING in a very MANLY fashion through the snow. Despite the fact his muttonchops are FROZEN, he still manages to look extremely hot.
HEAVY BREATHING from the FANGIRLS is heard ALL AROUND…
Nothing much else happens, and even if it was relevant to the plot NO ONE is really paying attention…
At the X Mansion
WOLVERINE enters the X Mansion, still looking EXTREMELY HOT. Rogue runs to him like a Days of our Lives script writer to the CUT AND PASTE tools…
ROGUE: Logan! You came back! * Throws her arms around his waist, noticeably near his CROTCH*
WOLVERINE: uh… Hey kid. Do you mind letting go now? *He tries to push Rogue away, but she appears to be surgically attached to his WAIST/CROTCH*
Meanwhile, ICEMAN has noticed Rogue's DESPERATE DISPLAY of affection towards someone other than him. He struts up to Rogue and puts a hand on her shoulder.
ICEMAN: Hi, I'm her BOYFRIEND. She's MY GIRLFRIEND. That means only WE can share bodily fluids.
WOLVERINE: She's a virtual vampire, how the hell can you share anything?
ICEMAN: ….Well…Our relationship is based on a DEEP EMOTIONAL BOND and we will fight our HORMONAL URGES because we love each other so much…That, and the fact that if she touches she'll sap me of my life energy and KILL me in an AGONISING manner. That's just so not worth a hand job. But if you lay one hairy hand on her…
WOLVERINE: Fuck off bub.
ICEMAN: Yes sir…
Wolverine goes to open his mouth to say something else, but then a GREAT SHINING LIGHT appears from the stairs. EVERYONE turns to look, except one poor mutant who is screaming that he is BLINDED by the LIGHT.
Jean Grey is standing at the stairs, looking so RADIANT and ATTRACTIVE, she is glowing as if she was hit by the CHERNOYBYL NUCLEAR ACCIDENT in 1989.
JEAN GREY: Hello Logan.
WOLVERINE: *in a daze* Jean…
JEAN GREY is slowly walking down the stairs a-la She's all that mode. Her hair is in a SEXY MODERN STYLE and she is SMILING BEAUTIFULLY.
WOLVERINE is making NO ATTEMPT to stop his drooling.
The SEXUAL TENSION between the two is so incredibly HOT and BURNING that the AUDIENCE feels a SHIVER run down their SPINE and into their GROINS.
CYCLOPS appears, scowling as per usual.
CYCLOPS: *Gives Wolverine a withering glance as he notices the SEXUAL TENSION between him and his girlfriend * ….Bitch!
JEAN GREY: *Ignoring Cyclops * So Logan, how are things?
JEAN GREY: Well, now that I have appeared for no apparent reason other than to create BLISTERING SEXUAL TENSION between myself and Wolverine, I'll be going now…
CYCLOPS: *GLARES as Wolverine checks out Jean's ASS when she leaves*
ROGUE: *GLARES at Jean Grey jealously.*
ICEMAN: *GLARES at the floor, since there is no one really for him to glare at.*
WOLVERINE: *Oblivious to the amount of irritated people surrounding him.* Well, I'd best be off to see Professor X now I've had my eye candy fix.
WOLVERINE walks off, UNAWARE of the ERECTION in his PANTS. However ROGUE has noticed and is trying not to appear AROUSED.
STORM finally appears in the hall.
STORM: Is it true Logan's back?
ROGUE: * Swoons in a manner similar to the FANGIRLS in the AUDIENCE*
STORM: …I'll take that as a 'yes' then.
WOLVERINE lights a cigar, filling Professor X's precious Cerebro with TOXIC fumes.
DESPERATE FANGIRL IN AUDIENCE: Look, he's SMOKING a CIGAR!
REST OF AUDIENCE: Shut *up*!
PROFESSOR X : Logan, put out the cigar.
WOLVERINE: *Stabs it into his palm, then winces *
DESPERATE FANGIRL: Oh no! He's hur -
The person sitting next to the FANGIRL punches her in the FACE, rendering her UNCONSCIOUS.
PROFESSOR X: *Is going on and on about how Cerebro is connected to EVERY MUTANT and PERSON on the planet, and HOW IF HE CONCENTRATES TOO HARD, PEOPLE MIGHT DIE*
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE SEEN THE FIRST FILM: Oh god, please don't tell me they're going to re-hash the Cerebro plot again.
PROFESSOR X: Not exactly. The plot will have similar elements, but this time, instead of Rogue being used to destroy humans, it will be ME used to destroy mutants!
WOLVERINE: Now you've given the plot away!
PROFESSOR X: Oh like you couldn't tell that was coming when I EMPHASISED just how DANGEROUS Cerebro would be if it FELL into the WRONG HANDS! IMAGINE, if someone who HATED MUTANTS got hold of this technology…It would end in nothing but DISASTER!
Cut to shot of White House
The PRESIDENT is speaking to a BAD GUY. We know he is a BAD GUY, because his assistant is the same EVIL girl with the metal claws that was seen on the advertisement for X men 2 duking it out with Wolverine.
STRYKER: *Showing the President dodgy looking photos of a SCHOOL* See, because this educational facility has a JET PLANE it is obvious that this school is REALLY a Mutant Training camp! I request permission to go in, blast all the mutant children, and thus begin a WAR against these HIDEOUS monstrosities of nature!
PRESIDENT: Okay, fine….Start the war…But that mutant who tried to kill me left such a pretty knife…*strokes the knife*
STRYKER: Mr President…That’s rather disturbing. Please stop it.
Meanwhile, Stryker's Asian assistant is looking OMINOUS and SHIFTY…
The X mansion - Night time. Professor X and Mr Tight-Ass have gone to visit Magneto, Jean Grey and Storm have gone to find the EVIL LOOKING mutant, leaving Wolverine ALONE with a school FILLED with IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG children.
WOLVERINE is wandering the mansion, searching for ALCOHOL.
WOLVERINE: Don't you have booze in this place?
ICEMAN: No, this is a school. We only drink alcohol on the weekends, and in any case, it's all stored under Jubilee's bed. You wanna go get it off her?
ICEMAN: There's some crappy soda in the cabinet though.
WOLVERINE pulls out a soda.
WOLVERINE: Can you cool that for me?
ICEMAN: Okay *He proceeds to freeze the drink, and part of Wolverine's arm*
ICEMAN: Oh! I'm so…sorry! I so didn't mean…to do that.
When Wolverine turns around to defrost his arm under warm water, Iceman GRINS EVILLY and mutters something under his breath about "ROGUE" and "HAIRY BASTARDS WHO THINK THEY’RE SO COOL".
PROFESSOR X: Erik, I know you had something to do with this mutant attack on the president. Tell me what you know.
There is some BORING dialogue between them, but once again, NO ONE is listening.
SUDDENLY, Professor X is caught COMPLETELY UNAWARE by Stryker, DESPITE the fact that he should have seen it coming a BLOODY MILE AWAY.
CYCLOPS: Don’t worry Professor, I’ll save you!
PROFESSOR X: *Realising his only hope is Cyclops * Oh god! I’m doomed!
CYCLOPS: Not to fear! I’ll break the door down with my UBER LASER BEAM!
He promptly has his ASS KICKED by Stryker’s Asian Assistant…
PROFESSOR X: Shit! I knew I should have brought Storm with me instead!
Church in Boston
NIGHTCRAWLER AKA EVIL LOOKING MUTANT: *shrieks hysterical German insults at the two X-Women while he TELEPORTS around a SPOOKY LOOKING church *
MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE WHO SPEAK GERMAN: Oh my god! How can he say that about Storm’s mother?!
STORM: We’re here to help you...
NIGHTCRAWLER: *Continues shrieking *
JEAN GREY: Ororo, just take him down. The sooner we deal with this the sooner I can get back to creating SEXUAL TENSION between Logan and myself.
STORM: *Rolling her eyes* Fine.
Storm creates a SPECTACULAR lightning attack and forces Nightcrawler to stop.
AUDIENCE : *taking a good look at Nightcrawler’s face* Hey, isn’t that the campy guy from Goldeneye? You know, the henchman who kept saying "I am invincible !" in a really TACKY RUSSIAN accent?
THE ONLY ALAN CUMMINGS FANGIRL IN THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE: *swoon* Yes!!
NIGHTCRAWLER: * In an all- new TACKY GERMAN accent * Who are you?
STORM: It’s alright, we’re freaks, just like you. We’re here to find out why you tried to kill the President.
NIGHTCRAWER: Ohhh. Den I am very sorry about vat I said about your mudder…
STORM: Uh…okay. But what we want to know is; why did you try to kill the President?
NIGHTCRAWLER: I tried to kill de President?
STORM: Jean! He says he has no idea he did anything wrong…*Pauses to think for a moment * This must mean he’s telling the truth, because everytime people say something they mean it!
JEAN shrugs and begins EXAMINING her NAILS out of boredom.
STORM: Now do tell me about your TRAGIC and PAIN FILLED childhood so I can fuss over you and create my very OWN SEXUAL TENSION.
NIGHTCRAWLER: Vell, I alvays had people making fun of me because of my tail.
STORM: That’s AWFUL! Please allow me to stroke your chest while you tell your story of woe…
JEAN GREY: Hey that’s not fair! I’m the only one who’s allowed to get any in this film!
The X Mansion
BIG helicopters land in the school, and SCARY soldiers break into the school.
AUDIENCE: Yay! Now we get to see Wolverine kill people with those big metal claws!
WOLVERINE begins to SLICE, STAB, SCRATCH and IMPALE the SCARY soldiers to death with his metal claws. We don’t feel sorry for the soldiers because they are BAD and were going to kill the VIOLENT, but extremely COOL mutants.
WOLVERINE is looking very SWEATY and ATTRACTIVE.
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: *Are watching VERY closely, but some are SWOONING already*
Meanwhile, ICEMAN is valiantly trying to save Rogue, but is as usual, FAILING MISERABLY.
Mutants are running ALL OVER THE PLACE, confusing the SCARY soldiers just long enough to be killed by Wolverine.
DESPERATE FANGIRL: He’s so buff! And so…violent! I am totally wetting my panties!
PERSON SITTING NEXT TO THE FANGIRL: What?!?
DESPERATE FANGIRL: *Realises she’s overshared* Um…Nothing. Look! Something is happening on screen!
Finally Wolverine, Rogue, Iceman and Pyro end up in the SECRET UNDERGROUND GARAGE. They decide to take the ULTRA SPIFFY looking SPORTY MAZDA (which co-incidentally, was the same car shown in the ads before the movie – propaganda anyone?)
WOLVERINE: I have to do this alone.
ROGUE: Ah’m coming too! Ah’ll go anywhere with you Mister Frodo, Ah mean Logan! Yes… Logan… *Looks shifty*
ICEMAN: Well I’m coming along because I don’t want to leave Rogue alone with you and if I stay here, I’ll undoubtedly be killed by a SCARY soldier.
PYRO: If I don’t come with you guys, no one will notice me. So I’m coming too! *points at the car *To the Mutant- Mobile! And awaaaay!
They DRIVE OFF in the ULTRA SPIFFY SPORTY MAZDA to Iceman’s house in Boston.
The UGLY, IRRITATING guard is in Magneto’s cell, giving him dinner or something. Magneto then proceeds to TEAR OUT the EXTRA IRON injected into the guard’s bloodstream (by Mystique) in a HORRIBLE, BLOODY WAY.
Magneto then ESCAPES, killing everyone in his surroundings.
Boston – Bobby’s house
ICEMAN: Rogue, will you kiss me?
ROGUE: Do you really want mah to kill you?
ICEMAN puts on his best POUTY FACE. Even though he looks like a BABOON GIVING BIRTH, Rogue is still attracted to him.
ROGUE: Awww, you look so cute when you’re desperate!
They KISS. Everyone in the AUDIENCE is getting RESTLESS. ROGUE begins to SUCK THE LIFE out of ICEMAN. The AUDIENCE is slightly GRATIFIED.
Downstairs in the kitchen
Wolverine is of course, searching for more ALCOHOL.
He hears a SUSPICIOUS NOISE coming from the lounge room and goes to INVESTIGATE. Something shuffles around and Wolverine quickly retracts his BIG METAL CLAWS…Only to discover the SUSPICIOUS NOISE maker is only a CAT. The CAT looks up at him, then proceeds to lick his METAL CLAWS.
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: Oh! The combined CUTENESS of a kitty-cat and Hugh Jackman looking perplexed is too much for us! *They pass out from the sheer "cuteness" *
DESPERATE FANGIRL: I wish that cat was me and I wish that claw was something else of Wolverine’s…
The person sitting next to the DESPERATE FANGIRL has given up telling her to shut up, and is now seriously considering COMITTING HOMICIDE. Or at the very least MOVING CINEMAS.
ICEMAN’S PARENTS and his SIBLING have arrived home to discover a HAIRY STRANGER in the lounge room.
Iceman rushes downstairs at his mother’s scream and is frantically trying to come up with a plausible excuse.
ICEMAN’S MOTHER: Bobby…Who is this man and why is he molesting our cat?
ICEMAN: Uh.. He’s a teacher at my school…
ICEMAN’S FATHER: What does he teach? How to murder defenseless animals 101?
ICEMAN: He teaches…uh…Hair styling…and Self defense.
ROGUE: And he teaches us how to create SEXUAL TENSION, which is of course, the most valuable skill needed for today’s society. *A dreamy expression passes over her face *
EVERYONE exchanges GLANCES…
ICEMAN: Look, there’s something I need to tell you…
ICEMAN’S BROTHER: Oh my god! You’re gay aren’t you?
ICEMAN: What? No! It’s something else!
ICEMAN’S FATHER: Your school is really a brothel?
ICEMAN: Well that too…Can I tell you about it in the other more expensive looking lounge?
Cut to: The more expensive looking lounge.
Iceman has just told his family he’s a mutant, and that his "school" is really a school for people like him.
ICEMAN’S MOTHER: Have you tried…Not being a freak of nature? I mean, imagine what my Bridge friends will say!
ICEMAN’S Brother, who is an ANNOYING SNEAK, has gone to phone the POLICE, presumably to create more TENSION in the plot.
Cut to: Downstairs
ROGUE: Hey Bobby, where has your annoying younger brother gone? Y’ know, the sibling that was always so jealous of you?
WOLVERINE: He’s gone to phone the police.
ROGUE: How do you know that?
WOLVERINE: He was looking ominous, then when he said he had to go upstairs because he was
"having a miscarriage" I got suspicious…
ROGUE: Y’ really think he’s phoned the cops?
PYRO: You think?
Sounds of POLICE SIRENS can be HEARD in the distance. SUSPENSFUL music BEGINS to play.
ICEMAN: Oh my god! I can’t believe he’d do this to me!
WOLVERINE: Come on, we’ve got to get the hell out of here.
PYRO: To the Mutant-Mobile then!
They RUN for the front porch, but they are SURROUNDED by police cars/swat teams/other important looking people. They assume the appropriate positions. Wolverine is at the front, his METAL CLAWS poised for attack, Iceman is TRYING to look THREATENING, but just appears GAY, Pyro is SMIRKING EVILLY, and Rogue is COWERING behind Logan as usual.
RANDOM POLICE OFFICER: *To Wolverine* Put your hands up! And drop the knives!
AUDIENCE: He *can’t!*
WOLVERINE: I can’t…
RANDOM POLICE OFFICER: *Shoots Wolverine in the head*
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE WHO ARE UNAWARE OF WOLVERINE’S HEALING POWERS: Shock! Horror! Gasp!
ROGUE: Mister Logan…NOOOoooooOO!
PYRO: Finally, a chance to show off my cool power!
PYRO begins to blast the HELPLESS humans with FIREBALLS. He is LAUGHING EVILLY again.
ICEMAN: John! Stop it!
PYRO: But killing humans is so much fun!
He CONTINUES wreaking DESTRUCTION, proving that he has NO SELF CONTROL and will eventually SWITCH SIDES.
Rogue is so DISTRAUGHT by Logan’s apparent DEATH, she grabs PYRO, planning to steal his powers and commit suicide by SETTING HERSELF ON FIRE.
Luckily, she WEAKENS Pyro so much, he stops shooting fireballs and she just falls over.
I think ICEMAN also does something around this point, but I honestly CAN’T REMEMBER.
Meanwhile, the bullet pops out of WOLVERINE’S HEAD and he is back to his usual hot self.
RANDOM POLICE OFFICER: Dear god! All of this has only reinforced the view that all mutants are bad and are going to kill us all!
Storm, Jean and NIghtcrawler arrive at the house just in the NICK OF TIME in the SLEEK and SYLISH X-Jet, blowing away most of the police officers with the TURBO ENGINES as they land.
EVERYONE runs to the JET…
Cut to: The secret laboratory in some Canadian place
PROFESSOR X: What do you want with me? I’m only an old and sage mutant who wants peace in this world. And I am in a wheelchair…That makes me twice as frail and helpless…
STRYKER: Playing the guilt card won’t work on me Charles. You will help me rid the world of all mutants or I will use my freaky mutant son to force you into helping me.
PROFESSOR X: But I don’t want to kill all the mutants!
STRYKER: Too bad then.
PROFESSOR X: *shaking head* That’ll teach me for feeling sorry for Scott… ‘But please Mr Xavier, I haven’t been on a mission in EVER so long…’ I’m a fool! Now we’re all doomed because of my own stupidity.
STYRKER: Darned tootin!
ICEMAN: *whispering to Rogue * Who’s the blue dude?
STORM: He is a bad-mutant-turned-good, with a traumatic past and powers that will eventually be used to save the world. He’s also around so I can have my very own SEXUAL/ROMANTIC TENSION.
Suddenly, the jet is SPOTTED by human fighter planes. Naturally, the humans are suspicious because the X – Jet is an unidentifiable flying object, and it is PHALLIC shaped. They begin to make THREATENING MILTARY MESSAGES over the RADIO.
FIGHTER JET 1: *military speech for ‘lower the plane to 2000 feet’ or something*
STORM: Oh no! I’d better lower the jet then.
JEAN GREY: Wait a minute, are you sure it’s not a trap?
STORM: Jean, you’re so paranoid. As IF it’s a trap!
The human FIGHTER PLANES begin firing powerful looking missiles at the X-Jet.
AUDIENCE: Oh yes…This is THRILLING. I wonder if Storm will create some sort of wild weather to get rid of the fighter planes?
She DOES, using a Special Effects sequence that probably cost at least ONE MILLION DOLLARS and a dozen COMPUTER PROGRAMS to make.
Then, to add more TENSION, the back opening of the jet OPENS, sucking Rogue, who has stupidly NOT PUT ON HER SEATBELT, out of the plane.
ROGUE: *flying through the air* Logan! Help me!
LOGAN: How many times do I have to fuckin’ save that idiot?
NIGHTCRAWLER: Don’t vorry! I vill save Rogue by teleporting, thus giving the sound effects crew an opportunity to create my spiffy "Bamph" sound!
He TELEPORTS to Rogue, catches her, and is back in the jet in an instant.
EVERYONE sighs in RELIEF.
ROGUE: *Clutching her rescuer in gratitude * Thank ya Lo- Wait a minute! You’re not Logan! You’re that ugly mutant with pointy teeth!
NIGHTCRAWLER FANGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: She called Kurt ugly! Let’s throw things at the screen!
Only TWO AUDIENCE MEMBERS pelt the screen with POPCORN…
STORM: Something's happening!
There is a scene positively FILLED with SUSPENSE as the X jet PLUMMETS towards the earth.
STORM is looking like she has just seen CYCLOPS NAKED, ROGUE is SCREAMING in FEAR, NIGHTCRAWLER is PRAYING for his life in German because it sounds COOLER, and WOLVERINE is trying to appear not scared, and so looks CONSTIPATED instead.
AUDIENCE: * Are all screaming from sheer horror because the GIANT SPEAKERS in the MEGA PLEX are amplifying the screeching of the " Falling Jet" sound effects to the point of DEAFENING them… *
STORM: Now what's happening?
The X- Jet is being DRAGGED downwards to MAGNETO, who was conveniently walking past with Mystique, PLOTTING against EVERYONE.
MAGNETO: Hello again!
EVERYONE IN THE JET: Oh shit!
MAGNETO: It’s alright, I will not kill you all today because we will have to form an alliance against the humans, which is why this film is titled X2 – X men united.
STORM: Lucky for us then…
In some clearing …somewhere – Night Time
Magneto, Mystique, Wolverine and Storm all discuss the WAR against MUTANTS and the Professor’s demise.
STORM: I asked the Professor if I could go with him, but he insisted on taking Scott…I hope he’s alright, where ever he is.
WOLVERINE: If Cyclops the bitch is still with him, then he’s screwed.
JEAN GREY: I should make some sort of comment, considering you’re referring to my fiancée, but I’m much too busy trying to get your attention to create some CHEMISTRY between us. *Hitches her skirt up, to Wolverine’s APPRECIATION *
Meanwhile, Magneto reveals he knows what is going on, and what Stryker’s plans are. But no one really cares, since the plot has already been GUESSED by most of AUDIENCE ALREADY.
Somewhere in the clearing, near the X-Jet.
WOLVERINE is looking pensive.
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: Doesn’t he look handsome when he thinks?
IRRITATED BOYFRIEND OF ONE OF THE FANGIRLS: But he never thinks, so technically he’s always ugly.
The BOYFRIEND is BASHED over the HEAD with a HANDBAG for committing the HEINOUS CRIME of saying Wolverine is UNATTRACTIVE…
JEAN GREY: Hello Logan. It’s a beautiful night isn’t it?
WOLVERINE: *Nods, staring directly at Jean’s breasts *
JEAN GREY: So…would you like to begin the gratuitous kissing scene where I push you away, now or later?
WOLVERINE: Now is good.
JEAN GREY: *Jumps forwards and attaches herself to Wolverine, much to all the fangirls DISGUST*
The AUDIENCE is ODDLY reminded of a documentary they saw on LEECHES the week before.
After a STEAMY PASHING session, which seems to last at least FIVE PASSIONATE minutes, Jean suddenly pulls away.
WOLVERINE: What is it? Is it the sideburns? Are they scratching your face?
JEAN GREY: No, it’s not *that*… It's…It's….I just can’t be with you! I love him…
WOLVERINE: The bitch?
JEAN GREY: Yes…I have just had an attack of conscience…and I’ve realised that Scott’s hideous hairstyle and up-tight demeanor are just too important to me. They are the very foundation of our relationship. I’m afraid you’re too wild and interesting to be my life partner.
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: *Shrieking * You don’t know what’s good for you Jean Grey! Telepaths are meant to be SMART !
JEAN GREY: *Tearfully* Goodbye Logan…
WOLVERINE: Don’t cry for me…I’m already dead.
Jean LEAVES him. Wolverine looks miserable and HEARTBROKEN.
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: Poor Wolvie! He’s *sniff * so hurt!
THE ONLY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE WITH RATIONAL LOGIC LEFT: Wolvie??
Wolverine is lying in his tent, still looking heartbroken. Suddenly, Jean Grey ENTERS, looking SEDUCTIVE.
WOLVERINE: Jean? What are you-
JEAN GREY: Quiet! I am here to seduce you and make passionate love to you. Are you complaining?
WOLVERINE: Shit no!
JEAN GREY: Good.
She STRADDLES Wolverine and they begin to MAKE OUT…again…But all is NOT WHAT IT SEEMS.
WOLVERINE runs his hands over big scars over Jean's body, revealing that she is really lusty MYSTIQUE in DISGUISE.
THE AUDIENCE: *What the?*
WOLVERINE: *What the?* Get the fuck off me!
JEAN GREY morphs back into MYSTIQUE.
MYSTIQUE: *seductively* But why not? What do *you* want? I can be anyone you desire…
Mystique proceeds to morph into ROGUE, STORM, JEAN and then various PLAYBOY MODELS.
WOLVERINE: I want you to get off me!
MYSTIQUE morphs into STRYKER.
MYSTIQUE: What if I told you , you could put it…anywhere…
WOLVERINE: Just….Get out…
Mystique reluctantly leaves, but not before copping a good FEEL of Wolverine's ASS.
Cut to: The secret laboratory in some Canadian place
STRYKER: *talking to Professor X* I am going to now inject you with a mind controlling substance that I've removed from my mutant son's spinal cord. Then he will proceed to control you, use my cheaply built knock-off of Cerebro and force you to kill ALL THE MUTANTS! Muarharharhar…
PROFESSOR X: You seem to have a lot of repressed negative energy, maybe you should try meditation…Or yoga.
STRYKER IGNORES the professor and wheels in his CREEPY looking son.
STRYKER: Make me proud son!
Stryker's CREEPY son begins controlling Professor X's mind, by assuming the form of an even CREEPIER looking little girl.
STORM is watching Pyro anxiously, since he is sitting next to MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE.
STORM: Um, should we be letting the impressionable children sit next to the psychotic mutant terrorist?
JEAN GREY: Oh Storm, they're not *that* impressionable…
PYRO: * to Magneto* You have a gay helmet. What's it for?
MAGNETO: What's it to you?
PYRO: Nothing…But since I have virtually no screen time with the GOOD GUYS, I am considering SWITCHING SIDES.
MAGNETO: If you're still not sure about joining us, keep in mind that Mystique is the Brotherhood concubine…
PYRO: Really? * looks over at Mystique with wide eyes*
She WINKS back, then morphs into a RANDOM ATTRACTIVE woman .
PYRO: Wow….Maybe I *should* betray my friends and companions to join you in the quest to destroy all humanity!
MAGNETO: Why not?
PYRO: You make a good point.
The secret laboratory in some Canadian place
Professor X is being MENTALLY MANIPULATED into using Cerebro by the CREEPY looking little girl. There is as much TENSION in these scenes as a TOASTED CHEESE SANDWICH, since the entire AUDIENCE knows that the X Men will SAVE THE DAY as usual.
and that's all for now...heh heh....funny....ooh, what are those pretty pink spots? hmm... i should definitely go to sleep some more....
ICEMAN’S FATHER: *glares at his wife* This is your fault! I told you not to smoke that crack when you were pregnant with Bobby!
EVERYONE ELSE: *Shifts uncomfortably in their seats*