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Sunday, February 23rd, 2003

Time:2:29 pm.
Father. I feel as though every day is another fall, another slip, and I'm just not rising anywhere higher than a crouch position. I told myself that I would not be like water but I think I have failed and it's so hard for me to find my footing, nevermind rising above using feet at all but depending on You fully.

Evening prayers . . . they are losing something, what little they had gained. The passion is not there . . . have I ever possessed it?

Father you know that my heart desires to know you (more and more and more) but my mind seems to defeat it daily in this destrutive battle of wills. I'm scared of losing You . . . I wonder if I've ever truly had You.

I know that you don't just 'reveal yourself upon command', but I sit here knowing that I need something...a brief interruption of pure You that I can turn to when things get rough. I am learning all that I can but it just doesn't seem to be enough when it's dark and I lie awake and think and think and destructively think.

I don't want to be like water. I want to be solid in You, always in You but I can't seem to find a place of peace.

Father reveal yourself to me. Please reveal yourself to me, you know my heart and you know how much it needs You.

Amen.
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