walkaways' journal

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Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
2:29 pm
Father. I feel as though every day is another fall, another slip, and I'm just not rising anywhere higher than a crouch position. I told myself that I would not be like water but I think I have failed and it's so hard for me to find my footing, nevermind rising above using feet at all but depending on You fully.

Evening prayers . . . they are losing something, what little they had gained. The passion is not there . . . have I ever possessed it?

Father you know that my heart desires to know you (more and more and more) but my mind seems to defeat it daily in this destrutive battle of wills. I'm scared of losing You . . . I wonder if I've ever truly had You.

I know that you don't just 'reveal yourself upon command', but I sit here knowing that I need something...a brief interruption of pure You that I can turn to when things get rough. I am learning all that I can but it just doesn't seem to be enough when it's dark and I lie awake and think and think and destructively think.

I don't want to be like water. I want to be solid in You, always in You but I can't seem to find a place of peace.

Father reveal yourself to me. Please reveal yourself to me, you know my heart and you know how much it needs You.

Amen.

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Sunday, December 1st, 2002
12:57 pm

"I gotta rush away," she said,
"I been to Boston before.
and anyways
this change I been feeling
doesn't make the rain fall"

No big differences these days
just the same old walkaways
and someday
i'm gonna stay
but not today



i want to rush away. i want to jump on a train and follow the map that adam duritz has painted through his words . . . New Orleans, Baton Rouge, Hollywood, California, Boston . . . i want to go and be free to be pulled. by wind. by the smell of the ocean.
i miss the ocean. what few times that I have seen it . . . i miss smashing into waves and forgetting everything except the taste in my mouth, the bitter salt stinging my eyes. i miss being purely myself in those moments, not weighed by expectations and decisions and unfinished everythings.
i want to say the words of that song to everyone, sing them outloud, and just go go go away from everything that's turning me into someone i am not.
i'm tired.
i'm scared.
and someday
i'm gonna stay
but not today

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