yeh hmmm well   
10:28am 05/10/2003
mood: crappy
music: agnostic front - it's my life
my mother hates me and i hope she dies
i had to take down my rope lights so that my dad can paint
that makes me sorta sad
i love my lights
tired rawr
went to colorado mills yesterday it was fun
my brother got some shoes
and i told bryan that i would meet him some weekend but that sorta scares me because i have nobody to go with me anymore
02:45pm 04/10/2003
mood: lazy
music: H2O faster than the world
hmmm well i haven't updated in quite a while
mmmm i got in a huge fight with cass
but we sorta made up
but i miss her a lot!!! i know she doesn't think i do but i do and i wish i could make everything right with her but i dun really think i can
she gave me a hug the other day and i seriously felt better than i had in a very long time
she has the magic touch
she was everything to me
but she's like the great unattainable so it's kinda heart breaking and it hurts really bad
i lover her more than anything but we were just friends
i haven't been updating lately i know
i update lj more than here if you wanna check it some time
hmm besides that
my brother's birthday is on tuesday
i dunno what im gonna get him maybe i wont get him anything at all
he's to hard to please and i he wont care if i dun get him anything anyways
there's another book that came out in the sweep series just fyi if any of you have read them
i dunno it's like years in the future or soemthing
but yeh
i haven't read it i really want to
have any of you ever read a book by francesca lia block called nymph?
meh yeh uh i dunno i'll update again later
10:36pm 30/08/2003
mood: drained
music: something from la bamba
we got new carpet in the whole house today :0)
but cassius is mad at me because we ditched her on thursday at lunch
it wasn't even my fault
ad she like blamed ita ll on me
fuck her man i don't care
and she's supposedly all inlove with some guy named ryan now
that's a laugh
lets see how long that lasts
and i think maybe her mom was right
ok cass thought or thinks rather that she is bi
but i think bi curious is more correct as her mom says
she doesn't really like chicks she likes guys
i mean she gets turned on by the occasional girl i think and does a thing here or there with one
but never really feels anything to deep for chicks
i din't want it to be that way because that would make what we had nothin
i really did care about her
i just want to find somebody already
it make sme sad that nobody in real life ever seems to be interested in me
fer sad
09:46pm 24/08/2003
mood: peaceful
music: ps2 noise
i met this guy that goes to adam something or other college and like umm he's gonna be like a director or soemthing and i dunno he like wants me to be in his films because he says he thinks im like really hot
and i dunno it's really weird
but anyways i talked to him on the phone today and he's pretty nice
and like i can talk about myself all i want and he doesn't mind
that's the kind of person i like
because i -love- talkin about myself
anyways so like i dunno he like really wants to meet me or something
but i dunno because like i have never actually met anyone off the internet
and i dunno
i'v only known him like two days so we'll see
hmm other than that i did nothin today
but these people came to see the house
they'r interested but they have to get approved before anything is for sure
yeh and my mom packed up half her room in boxes and put it in storage
ugh she's gonna bring boxes soon so i can pack up more of my stuff
i relaly dun like that
i would rather stay living here until we'r moving
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yay -.-   
09:03pm 17/08/2003
mood: disgusted with myself
music: none
haha i did nothing all day
my brother and parents went to the mills
they dint tell me they were going there otherwise i woulda gone
and then they went to eat
and called only to bring us some back
well that was nice i guess
cept me dio asco (sp) the pizza
i dunno how to say that in english
anyways i watched real women have curves and omg it's my new fav movie
i mean people watch that and they'r prolly like oh wow how touching and dun really get it and i think i probably dun even really deserve to say i do
but like i dunno i just like fell inlove with the movie
i member up until the fourth grade i wasn't in any special programs and i went to school in "the ghetto" lol
and like you all prolly think i'm being a loser and shit
but like my best friends were the same exact story
and now they'r all pregnant and are slutty chiks i only see once in a while from there front porch as i drive by in my dad's van
they make fun of me
they call me a good girl
and that's supposed to be a bad thing
because i'm still in school
and i'll prolly go to college
and do all the shit they never did and will never do
they'll whinde up working at some hotel as maids or catering with my mom's friends
they know how it feels not to have money and they think i'm rich
think of that
me rich
i live down the street from them my father is a teacher and my mom is a secretary
i go to school with a bunch of kids who will all get cars (mostly all) from their mommy'd and daddy's
for their sixteenth birthdays
i go to school with kids who will go to universities like stanford and yale
harvard berkly columbia
and i will go to somewhere like arapahoe community college
i will become something like a schol teacher like my dad
and hate it
i will be like fourty and still not be married and have wasted my life away doing nothin
and caring only about what my parents thought
while all my "friends" went out and had fun and had lives and just in general were kids
i'm the person everybody can depend on to ruin anything fun
sometimes i wish i could be just like everybody else
and be normal
instead of always having to be "different"
what do i accomplish being different anyways
i think that's why i get along with kenaya so well
because she does pretty much everything her parents tell her
just like me
she know's what it's like to not be able to go out every wekend with "friends" because she can't afford to
she know's what it's like not to be notcied
she might go on to do something meaningful one day though
and that is something i do not know
i don't even know why i am in the ib
i can get into community college without the ib
and that's where i will go one day
and become something i hate like a teacher and be miserable for the rest of my life
i'm not worried about right now
i'm worried about later when i grow up to be my parents
i mean don't get me wrong i'm proud of what my parents have accomplished and i know how hard they'v worked to be where we are but i don't want this for the rest of my life
i don't want this for my kids
and i don't want this for me
i hate me
i hate being who i am
"i'm uncomfortable in my own skin"
i hate being a bitch
and i hate pushing everybody away
i hate pretending like i know shit and that i belong int he ib
because i don't
i'm stupidand i -don't- belong in the ib
and it's a joke for me to be there
me being different is a joke
and trying to be "myself"
i dunno who the fuck i am
and who i think i want to be is something i can never be
no matter how much brainwashing i try to put myself through
i belong in the ghetto getting into trouble and getting married before i'm 18 because i got myself pregnant
that's where i belong
not in schol wasting my time for somet stupid job i will have one day
life sucks huh?   
03:38pm 15/08/2003
mood: angsty
music: millencolin ~ mr. clean
yeh i dunno i'm kinda numb right now
i must be the biggest idiot i'v ever met
why do i always have to fall for the people who can never like me back
cassius has a-another- boyfriend now
his name is jake
and she's like inlove with him
she's even considering braking up with jeremy for him
that's crazy
even though it seems like they'r relationship
jeremy and cassius
is all about the sex
or so it seems
i dunno
it's so weird
and she got a lil upset it seems
this mornin
or whenever
because she read my post on lj
about how i have to go get more blades
she said i shouldn't do that stuff
because then i will get addicted like she did
but i never saw her cuts in middle school
so i dunno
i wont do it
but only because school is startin and i dun wanna hide my arms
i have to get this shit to heal up soon
i have a couple days
but they'r not healing to fast
because i have to wear arm warmers all the time so that my rents wont see them
which reminds me
i have to go put them on
because my dad will be home soon
i haven't even done anything all day ans my dad will be home any minute
i'm tired
i want a slurpee
i want a slurpee
i'v seta goal this year
i -will- find more non straight people at george
i want to join this club at school
the gay straight alliance
because erin is in it at her school
and she says it is really fun
and i dunno
i just need help
and i need someone to relate to and stuff
like i have lots of people online
but it's just not the same you know
i have to get some more shcool supplies today
and i want to spend the night at kenaya's tomorow
but i dunno if i'll be able to because my dad's an ass and he like won't let us do anything because "school is starting" stupid shit fucker!
i dunno
i guess i'm just angsty
i haven't done anything with anybody
like at all
i gtg
dad's home
     Read 2 - Post
damn cassius !!! :0P   
02:37pm 10/08/2003
mood: blah
music: cold~ stupidgirl
grrr ok so cassius is the slurpee queen of the world
and yesterday i was like goin crazy because i'v been wanting a slurpee so bad
i decided it's all cass' fault because she's always posting about how she goes out and on the way or in the process always gets a slurpee
yeh anyways
they went to white fence farm yesterday
and then i guess there were like a mazillion people at cass' and they were gonna go chill or wahatever and cass im'd me and asked me if i wanted to come and they would come by and get me and i -really- wanted to go
but of course with my parents i knew that that was like impossible
so i stayed here and did pretty much nothin!
oh have i told yall about my weird psycho plan that really isn't that crazy?...
well anyways
and this is after way after i get me tongue pierced and shit..
i want to get me nipples pierced :0)
and prolly before that... i want to get ,ok so most of yall that actually know me prolly know that i want to get a star tattoo and of course ima get more than one fer sure.., so on this punkorama thing like the paper thing inside the cd
i forgot which band had it but this chik had those stick on things on her nipples you know...
and so i was sitting there with nat and i'm like dude
wouldn't that be so cool if you actually had stars for nipples!????
and she din't say anything but
i -will- have stars :0)

i wish i could mesh blurty with lj
because i mean like i love lj because you can have more than ten friends (though i dun think i do on here) and on blurty they have the rawkinest communities
so if i could have both more friends and awesome communities to be a part of then that would be so grande :0P
i'm so lookin forward to school!
i mean like i hate school and i don't want summer to be over but i will get to see cassius <3 :0D
i miss her a lot!!!
i hate living so far away from her because i never get to see her
and she's my best friend
fer sad
but at least i can talk to her sometimes (when she's not out :0P)
i dunno what i'd do wifout her

i talked to ian yesterday finally
god i wanna meet him so bad!
me and kenaya
are trying again to see if i can spend the night sometime this week and then we'll invite ian and go to a movie or something...
that would be tres chuette if i get permission
yeh i think that's it
oh yeh
i finished driving sessions
and i even drove on the highway
be afraid be very afraid
luv yall
what the hell!   
11:45am 10/08/2003
mood: confused
dude i just checked my entries page
and i only have one entry!
where did they go
i had at least five!
i thought more
what the hell!
well i suppose i'll post to tell you everything that's happened since the only entry left
::rolls her eyes::
ok so i hooked up with ian
he finally asked me out
and i'm like the happiest person ever
and umm carnage and alex are like falling for each other but alex says she doesn't like sloppy seconds...
ie: me and carnage were like doin stuff together before ian
umm i met this tres sweet chik on furc the other day
i started my driving sessions and yesterday was day two
it was so scary
they made me go ont he highway
yeh i know
mortis mallor
cass and them are going to white fence farm today
i'm so jealous
i wanted to go so bad
and she invited me and everything
but i can't go
because of stupid driving
i'm confused
dunno if i'll go into that
because im afraid of who might see it...
i went to victor's house yesterday and me and isai played video games with him and david
then i watched part of final destination 2 with them but had to leave early again because of stupid driving ruining everythin...
my mom's like sitting in the doorway pretending not to be nosy
evil bitch
i hate her!
oh and i talked to some peole off of the bisexuality community
and they'r pretty cool
especially mercurychaos
luv yall!
     Read 3 - Post
02:34pm 23/07/2003
mood: bouncy
music: afi songs....
ok so my first entry here
feels weird
it's so weird because erin says i shouldn't like ian but she wouldn't tell me why
that concerns me
because erin is the kind of person who always supports you and stuff and i dunno it worries me
anyways i gotta get a hold of kyle otherwise ian can't go tommorow
i'm going campin ina few days
and korey if you wanna see my journal on live journal it's
and just search for devoidvessel
i told you i'd tellyou
and i'll show you a pic of ian if i can figure out how to post one on here if you find out you should tell me how and then you can see pic faster
other than that nothin new really
talked to carnagehifi again and luckily i din't stay long enough to do it with him again
i'm really not in the mood
even though he's pretty good if i do say so myself and may i say i'v done enough guys that i would know...
yeh umm gtg
     Read 1 - Post