| uh Oh! | |||
| 08:12pm 10/07/2004 | |||
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all of my food is gone!!! sad... any ways.... i chicken out last night... i felt i didnt want to say it..but didnt have to.. it was over...didnt have to say anything..didnt have to brin it up... it was done... it was in my head...any ways.. only mommie knows what i am talkig about..so i will say it... i was feeling that me and my boyfriend... were not bf and gf and that we were more like friend with beniftis..and i go over ther..he gets off the puter (he is addicted to that..i think he loves that thing more then me.. no joke either!) and came and snuggled with me.and gave me a kiss.. i was like awww... it is false..he likes me...he really likes me... i just bited me tounge... hehe... i am happy...thinking about my man...talking to derek... and listeing to swat kid... sad have not talked to jeremy for a while...oh well..i could care less..as long as i have my man... this is going no where...i forgot what i was going to say...ok bye... |
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| things i have to live with.... | ||||
| 06:35pm 02/07/2004 | ||||
but i have to end this cuz i am hungary... and want to eat something..and get some exercise in.....sigh..... ok.... bye bye |
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confused| peom | |||
| 05:40pm 02/07/2004 | |||
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You come close to me Tickling my mind as it searches for the words to speak Words that are already there But somehow you leave me speechless A soundless whisper stirring my heart Your lips meet mine And your tongue slips between my lips A delightful taste consuming my senses Your touch is oh so gentle and sweet Moving your soft hands over my body Running them along my stomach and over my breast My nipples rise between your delicate fingertips Breathing deeply I savor the moments you touch my skin I lie down for you Surrendering completely in your arms Transported by love We are connected deeply with hardly a word spoken Sometimes with just a touch Or a kiss We both know our souls are eternally as one You know my heart better than I Capturing the essence of my mind in your eyes A rare gift I treasure You journey downward Your tongue following my body's delicate lines and finding my navel Drifting across my skin and over my thighs Revering my body with your mouth Flooding my senses with sinful, exquisite sensations You part the petals of my flower Lavishly drinking my fragrant nectar Lingering and tasting fully Feeding on my desires I close my eyes and let you consume me completely Time ceases while the world around me spins out of control And I am in my own special time-space I walk out over an abyss without realizing it Finally looking down and seeing I am standing on nothingness Trusting that you will keep me from falling away I adore the way you hold me tight in the darkness Feeling your heart beating next to my breast And taking in the aroma of your body An embrace both passionate and wild I feel truly loved |
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| today! | ||||
| 02:50pm 01/07/2004 | ||||
it helped a lot to post my previous entry..... even though..i proubly should go and print that off and give it to the cop dude.... meh who knows... i seriously could write hours in this thing..just contineue on and on about nothing at all.. hehe.. i should... kinda like ia m doing rihgt now.. meh.. ohwell.. tough love! steph thinks i should dump chris cuz he does not treat me right... i think he treats me fine.. i honestly do..i dont like hte mind games..like if you want to come over go ahead...i like him sayin...why dont u come over... and i dont like him saying if you leave me ill kill my self..... ur parents hate me ill kill my self..... and i dontlike that i go over to his family things but he doesnt for mine... :( tear.... and how he says i hate him all the time... i could never ever hate him.. if someone paid me a million dollars just to say that i hate him... out loud.. even if he says i dont have to mean it i would never do that... if someone held a gun to my head and said say you hate him or ill shoot..ill say... shoot then..... no good poems today.... dont really want to look.. so yeah... my hun is buzy playing a video game and i hope he cant read this or i will be dead telling ever one that he has a really big dick and i like to suck it all the time and any time i can!!!!! :) ouch he hurted me feelings... im getting kidna sick of that... oh well..... it is worth it.... yawn... im tried... went and saw spider man two yesterday... it was good...i would tell everyone to see it...i doubt anyone is even reading my blurty.. oh well...hi all of you that are reading this.... got any advice please help me out.... this one will be ended kinda short... not as long as my other one... which is sad... but good.. cuz then you dont have alot to read... so yeah...... im bored...andi have nothing to do... yippy..spellman is mad at me... :@ great... just what i need.... *hits self on head* ouch..i missed and poked my eye out!!!! aahhh audio all |
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crushed| Bored | ||||
| 10:50am 30/06/2004 | ||||
i went to the cop shop to report what tylor did to me.. it was hard to tell detail due to the fact taht spellman was there..and he does someof the things that tylor does and i dont want him to think that cuz thylor did it it me and i hated it hten...that i will or do hate it when he does it.. it sucks... iw ish i could write done every memory i have..ever last detail...ever play by play action.... and then rip it up and it iwll be lost in my mind... put all of my pain and hurts on that paper.... transfer my mind on to that paper..pick and choose what goes on it..and what does it...then burn it..watch all of my bad memorys bad thougths just burn up and go away....i wish i could talk about it. .. i wish someone else felt the same way i do... the same hurts...the same questions like why didnt i do my best to stop it... why didnt i tell some one... and mostly why did it happen to me? why me? out of all the cousins and girls in his life...what made me stick out... why did i go along with it? why didnt he get the hint why i pushed his arm away? or cover up tighly or "sleep" why didnt he leave me alone? could he not see the pain in side? couldnt he see the sadness and the empty ness.... wish i could write also.... i wanna express my pain somehow... i dont know what words to use...or what order to use them... i wish i could.... or atleast find a poem taht expresses what i feel... iw ant to be well... i want not to think about it... day after day... second after second... i wish i was not ashmaed of it.... i wish i could be confortable with it and be like it happened to me... it is not my fualt.... i was the victuim....instead of thinking i did it.. i brought it one... it was me.... i was asking for it... i feel i could have sed no more times...i feel i could have stoped him when i watned to.... i wish i did.... i feel i brought it on... by "playing" along in his lil game... by knowing when he came down thoses steps what he wanted to do and what he was after... i feel it is my fault due to the fact that i did things to him with out his opeing mouth speachin the deadly words...feeling his body by mine and his dick poking at my ass and my body.... the feeling ofi t in my hand... i have never experienced suck a disgusting feelign... or thought.... it is worse then my toes being touched... or anything in my life..... i would rather cut my wrist then do what i did with him.... every second he was by me... touching me or just sitting ther breathing... i wanted to die.... i wanted the heavens to break open and for the higher powers to come down and zap me to a different world... my own world.... not the world i was in... or the state of mind world that i would go to when things would happen... i liked my world that state of mind world i was in... it protected me from what was happening... it proctected my mind from knowing all taht went on... but i hated what brought me into that world.... i am not srue if it is real or my imageningation that all of this stuff has happened to me... i feel it was all a dream... i cant think of why it happend or even dream of it acuatlly being real.... it is like when u meet the man of ur dreams.... and he asks you out... the next minutes you are filled with excitement...but yet doubting it happend... the prince chamring asked YOU out... he LIKES YOU... u have to pinch your self to make sure you are not sleeping...then it hits you... it is real.... my cousin molested me.... your heart sinks... your eyes water.... the meories you thoguht where not real or sick prevertic dreams... are real... and are now palying over and over non stop in your head... you aer looking for the remote... or the off switch to stop them from playin... but what you really want is the delete button.. u dont want to store them any longer.. you want them out.. you want to trash them... but they are your memories... as horrible as they are... they are apart of you... that just makes you worse... u think badly about your self.. cuz you have to carry along this burden of worthlesness and hope that no one will ever find out it happen...and if they do... uk now they wont understand it... they may try... but you know the pitty that they are giving you is fake... and deep inside they aresaying you are the sicko..this happened to you.. a family member did it to you... u should move tot he south you are an inbreed...u are dirty.. u are the sicko... i am confortable telling people.... my cousin molested me.... i am no yet confortable... going into the detail... or even saying he fingered me, rubed my breats, rubed my pussy, layed on me.. humped me from the front and the back... and shorta doggie style... pined me up against the wall and humped me.... had me feel his dick... touch it... suck it... rub it.... with clothes no or off... under the pants..up the shirt.. he found ways to get to them... turned on my side... pillows pushed up against me.... blankets tucked all around me... he still found ways... like i was a free ice cream machine truck...... like one time.... in my room... first summer living here... .matt and tylor went to read me a snake book cuz they wanted to tourture me..... i was in the middle of the bed... tylor behind me in the back of bed... matt in the front... near the end... tylor was be hind me...humping my butt... and matt saw tylor pushed me away and said eww gross bob that is wrong... im y our cousin you are a sicko.... he would slap my ass giong up the stairs... or rub it... he would kiss me on the lips... open mouth..i didnt know what to do... just stood there taking it... not know what to say... wher eto go... who to turn to.... or if i should... thought this was what was suppose to happen... then it started to feel wrong... started tot hink i had had sex with him... thought i was dirty now... and i knew it had to stiop...... but it didnt... years later.... he moved in with us.... that was the skarest time of my life... knowing that he would be here... in my house..... have access to my room...when i was sleeping..with no one knowing.. so i had to tell... no one belived me... no one wanted to belive that that could happend or even did happen.... pushed it off to the side... brushing it off the sholders... not brign it up... hopeingi t would go away...but it didnt and i know it wouldnot... cuz i tried it... tried to put it in the back of my head... tried to clogg my braind with happier thoughts...but some how they exscape and find there way out.... why i have no clue.. i wanna know but yet wont... just wish i could forget all of theses...and wish he would be taken care of.... make him pay for what he did..... make him feel the way i do.. make him feel like shit and all.... make him DIE inside!!!!!!!!!! peoms i thought where cool.. little girl sits alone naked underestimated broken child tears drip on the flowered underwear that she holds in her hands forget he reached inside you and tore out your soul tiny womb invaded little mind devastated bury your pain hide the memories except that you are the evil one unwanted forever alone reaching out to be comforted trying to be perfect wanting the hurt to go away you will never be good enough you will never be okay be mommy's little angel be daddy's pride and joy don't let them know that it was your fault Night approaches, The hour of destruction is near, Tension mounts, The time is now. She draws her weapon, Cool dark blade, Welcoming death tool. The action is quick, Yet the moment lives on. A warm river comes, Eases her pain. Soothes her aching soul, A temporary trade. Yet it's not enough, She draws again. Two rivers merge, She finds peace, Temporary wellness. The dawn comes forth, Yet the darkness lives on.... sorry that I hurt myself, sorry that I hurt everyone close to me. I'm sorry I'm not worthy of your love, your affection, your kindness, your respect, your friendship. I am worthy of your abuse, I am worthy of my own. I am sorry I can't win my own battles, or give up my disorder, but its hard to fight an enemy that has outposts in your head. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect, I'm sorry that I want to be. I am sorry that I can never trust that someone could care for me so I must test their caring beyond limitation until they fail me and I feel empty once more. I am sorry that I want to be as invisible as I feel, that I wont give up my search for thinness until I can count my ribs by touching them one by one. I don't scream for your attention, but if you are observant enough you know I plead for it silently. I don't seek to hurt you, but if I do I will punish myself for it 1000 times more than you ever could, but you are welcome to punish me too. I'm sorry.... for who I am, what I am, what I will become, and what I have been. I don't ask for your forgiveness, just your understanding. she asked me what's wrong? i wondered if she really wanted the answer. I've never been so unhappy? or is that even the word. i pass those people and they act like i'm, a freak. so what if i am? you think you know me b u t you don't know a n y t h i n g. you think you know what its like to b e m e to have these feelings, but you don't. do you ever wonder what i'm thinking when i cut open my flesh and watch myself b l e e d? do you know what its like to live the unthinkable? to be half a person do you know what its like to be sexually abused? to be conditioned to believe that you are the reason bad things happen. do you know what its like to want to die, even for a moment and believe that feeling? have you ever relived the past everynight in your dreams? has loneliness ever been your lifestyle? do you think that depression is a case of the blues? do you think i can snap out of who I am? do you think by ignoring me I will go away to dismiss troubling things can allow you to sleep at night she asked me, what's wrong? i lied and said n o t h i n g i can't fix it anyway |
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| wedding ring i want! | |||
| 10:20am 28/06/2004 | |||
| go here.... http://www.titaniumera.com/ordersale/siren.html | |||
| Post | |||
| sick or just sick of life? | ||||
| 10:49am 13/02/2004 | ||||
well my plains for tomorw are probly still a go. i hav enot talk to spellman since tuesday. he was suppose to come home yesterday but didnt. sad. he went to a friends house yesterday... dont know whos... fudd told me that...fudd is cool.. helps me out lots.. thanks fudd..he is talking more and more to Kim. starting to think he still has feelings for her. he talks to me about her like he wishes she would die. but emails her practical more then he emails me. longer ones too. starting to remind me of my last few dayz with josh. YIKES!!! if you say you love me. thenlove me forever and forever ill be yours.! well tomorw im just gonna cook some dinner for spellman and watch some movies.. how romantic?? hehe.. nothing says i love you like cheech and chong? got to movies. WOW that says love... i am well my rentz are too. thinking about getting a bigger house... to take in all my friends that need to live wit us.. my rentz told me to get firends and have them hang out at my house and all.. so i brought home friends... that dont go home cuz their home sucks!!! i am not sure tha is what they met by getting friends?? oh well tough luck. they are my friends and i wuv them to death.. well i dont want them to die.. to many people are dieing these dayz.. it is sad... people are going insane... i lost my saneity too.. but not so badly.. last night at birthday club.. my mom started to talk tot he ladiess about meth.. WHY DO THEY LOOK AT ME TO ASK QUESTIONS??? what does it do to you? how do you feel when you are on it? how do you take it? geez im not a durgie dont ask me.. pSSSHhh.. they were shocked to know that probly only 100 out of 300 or 400 kids in MY GRADE take drugs.. and the people who wear black and look like they are doing drugs... really dont.. and to know that like half of our school is BI.. their eyes poped out with that information.. skarey... NOt really.. so wat if people are bi? woopie! im not bi.. i am 100% stairt. and i cant spell either. oh well. i will live.. hopefully.. darnit. they were also shocked to know that most of the preps are the ones doing the meth...i know a big ole prep that is addicted to meth.. yet has a 4.0 gpa... CHEATer too eh? wow.. i am not in a agood mood today.. what else can i bitch about today?? beside the point that i miss spellman and want to talk to him.. but do i dare tell him all that i know? bout his emails to his ex and her emails back? well?? at least my ex boyfriend told me to read them to secruiy me that there is nothing going on.. and let me delte them too. hey i just descoverd something... there is little writing on my keyboard under some letters.. on the side that is... that say stuff like copy, paste. cut, pring.. and have a little star to or a boat steering wheel... so u hit ctrl and that letter and they do it.. cool.. id id not know that.. wow i am specail. i have heart burn.. and a sore thorat.. and im not in a good mood.. WOW those go so well together dont they? living in my little world of lies... lieing to innocent people... trying to be someone i am not.. people trying to mold me into what they want me to be... funness... i dont mind it.. really... but i hate ONE person doing it.. well two.. my rents and the people atm y church.. You should not wear thoses type of clothes.. wear a dress, wear some make up.. dont wear that color of make up.. dont dye your hair.. dont do this. do this.. act your age...¤NEWS FLASH¤ I AM ONLY 16!!!! I ONLY HAVE THIS YEAR AND WHEN I AM 17 LEFT TO GOOF OFF AND HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE.. two more year well one and 4 months left of my childhood.. hten i will be an adult.. yet still in school.. only three more years to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life... have 3years toplan what i want to be doing for what... 50 years??? maybe even 60?? just 3 years... if i mess up in theses three years... i will mess up my future... have you ever thought about that?? have to get good grades.. have to learn everything in three years... then i have to get execpted into a collage and then study what i want to do for the next 50-60 years... then hopefully have enought money to retire and live well... and then you have the option of marriage and kids in there.. and a house.. and paying for collage.. and paying for your house.. and bills... and food. and the list never ends... I still highly like the idea of building a-bombs and droping them on the world and only have a few selected people liveing so we can do the goverenment right this time.. hold on... i am gonna try to call spellman............dum de dum its rining...........do de doo de doo ill call back..... beep beep beep. yippy... roar still on the phone... *sigh* i dont want to leave a message after the tone damnit.. GIRRR.. i would love to see my face right now.. expressionless..mabye i should have gone along on the retreat? skip valentines day? air duster the number one killer of teens and dust.. sorry that came out of no where. oops this has to be 7,500 charaters or less. so ill wrap it up.. lata |
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bitchy| arrested.. | ||||
| 02:48pm 08/11/2003 | ||||
... my dad was reading this.. skaryness... EEEEEEKKKbut any ma who.. i better go and continue to get ready for the day.. and leave random messages on spellmans phone. mmmmmm i wanna have sex on the beach.. wow where did that come from??? EEEEE stopid bacon |
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giggly| ... | ||||
| 10:27am 07/10/2003 | ||||
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| funny | ||||
| 10:01pm 20/08/2003 | ||||
that is the bested cheer, hehe, im dating the head cheerleader. i thought it was the all star WR, but oh well, i like gluesitcks too Hey cheerleaders hey what hey cheerleaders hey what show me how u get down no way show me how to get down ok...we stomp are feet and we boogie to tha beat and we turn around and we shake it to tha ground...GO BIG BLUE! that was grand talkin to my bf and me gurl |
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crazy| KYPER | ||||
| 10:01pm 14/08/2003 | ||||
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sleepy| work | ||||
| 10:15pm 12/08/2003 | ||||
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busy| lemon X dun dun dun | ||||
| 05:43pm 07/08/2003 | ||||
u smell like lemons lemon x oh my lemon x i spray u on the desk i spray u on the sink i spray u in the air and u make me float, lemon x oh lemon x i run out of u so i run downstairs and fill u up cuz i love u lemon x i hope u love me too lemon x oh lemon x dedicated to kim who got high off of lemon x today, hehe, ok u really cant get high juss a little kyper tune in next time to hear the peom bout windex, |
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bored| ... | ||||
| 10:16pm 06/08/2003 | ||||
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sad| oh mi *more serious one* but yet funny,. | ||||
| 02:31pm 06/08/2003 | ||||
lata chill out |
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| i made a buck | ||||
| 12:50pm 06/08/2003 | ||||
ok i worked today at camp, and all, it was ok, as fun as work could be, but ne ways, at lunch time we had pea salade wit cheese cubes in it, it was gross, so i didnot eat all of it, abby pours it on my plate(cuz it was ina cup) and scoups some up and goes here comes the plane open wide(like i was like 3 years old comeon) im like no i m not gonna eat it, she is like okay we need to add some salt and pepper, and some dressing from my lettuce salad, hehe i cant spell, but ne ways, im like will u give me a buck to take a bite, she is like sure i get to pick the bite so i took my sppon and got a lot on it, and she pours more salt and peper on it, then adds some wipecream and i took a bite, and it was not that bad but i mean too much pepper, and salt, and i had nothing to drink, GOT MILK?? i sure didnt, so shelly gave me hers cuz she did not open it yet, so that is my story on how i earned a buck, did u like it?> it was fun, thanks for reading, hehe, lata dayz, chill out, |
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sick| ... | ||||
| 02:05pm 04/08/2003 | ||||
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| Read 2 - Post | ||||
| wacky_backy | ||
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