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i hate the phone [10 Sep 2007|04:26pm]
i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone i hate the my office phone

sometimes i want to tear it out of the wall just so i can get some work done. i love my job, but i'm not the greatest at hand-holding victims through the process.
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UAB [09 Sep 2007|12:28pm]
so FSU actually won thier game yesterday, although we were a bit scared in the begining! But yesterday was also the first time we were trying out our new tailgate spot (in the parking lot) and our new season seats.

ben was very distressed when we got our tailgate spot in the mail - as it's in the parking garage - with no cooking - even on the top level, where it's complete open air, and considering we have a propane grill so there is no open fire, but whatever. ben went ahead and got another parking garage spot from ebay for $30, so we have two horrible spots. after we rushed out, 5 hours early, in preparation of fighting for a parking spot, we were the 1st into the lot and for the first 2 hours, we were the only ones on the top floor of the parking garage. on a random trip to the fabulous porta-potty, i realized what other garage parkers were doing. parking on the bottom level, and hopping the wall to the grass outside. BINGO. so i rushed back to ben and our group and informed them of the newly discovered find, which made ben very happy - as tailgating on concrete is not as much fun as it sounds. definatly in a month, for the next home game, that will be what we're doing.

and, to my amazement, row 64 is a great row to be in! i thought it was going to be way a high, horrible view but it turns out, they are great seats. and the people around us are actual, yelling fans, just like us - i was a little worried when i saw a grandma sitting with a little child, but she was cursing up a storm! go grandma. plus, it seems we are in the lawyer section, as 6 of the people around us went to law school - one of which is the PD i work with on a daily basis.

all in all it was a good day. ;o)
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breast implants [07 Sep 2007|12:27pm]
So one of the secretaries is getting a breast reduction. Luckily her medical insurance will pay for it, but while she's there, she's also getting a tummy tuck. $7000 for the tummy tuck. That's just retarded. Well, then again, it's kinda retarded to get plastic surgery, but eh, to each their own.

When Willie transferred me down to Wakulla a few years ago, I was a little apprehensive. I needed to get out of the Leon office - as I had just threw the #2 person in the office out of my office and screamed at her - our relationship was a bit strained. It was definitely a culture shock practicing law out here. In Leon - my house was broken into. Willie told me I had permission to carry in the courtroom - and on occasion, I did. Here, there are two judges. That's right - two. Three public defenders, three state attorneys. It's a nice, familiar community. I've even gotten used to the drive from Tallahassee. I've grown accustomed to our Friday afternoon chats in our office where me, the misd attorney, our victim advocate and the secretaries just chat amidst the phone calls - while the two males in the office - my boss, and our investigator hide in their offices - either taking notes on the wonders of female conversations, or laugh at us.

I don't know what I would do if Willie wanted me back in Leon. I guess it would depend on what kind of position he would put me in. Here, with only two attorneys, I work on murder cases, rape cases, etc. It would be a great shock and annoyance to go back to Tallahassee and do driving cases.
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yawn [05 Sep 2007|10:29pm]
well, it's been awhile. reading someone else's blogs got me into the mood to blog a little, and since I have no friends left on here, why the heck not, eh?

and..............i have no clue what to write
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nail polish? [19 Jan 2006|10:38pm]
why would someone argue over nail polish? that just doesn't make sense to me - not at all
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newest [16 Jan 2006|01:57pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | "criminal" m&m ]

Apparently I've accured some debt - stupid credit cards and stupid ex-boyfriends getting ahold of my credit cards - anyway - I've been trying for awhile to pay off the debts, and I haven't really made that much of a dent. Ben and I were looking at buying a new house, however, stupid ex boyfriend did some damage to my credit score, and while i would be approved for a loan, we would have to put a bunch of money down and such - it's not worth it - however, the GOOD news - my property has gone up considerably since i bought it - so here's the plan,

1. sell my townhouse - i should be able to sell it and walk away with at least $20 grand profit (hell yeah)
2. take some of the profits and pay off my debts - i owe a bunch on credit cards, and a bunch to my parents
3. rent for at least 6 months - probably more like a year
4. while we're renting, my credit score will have a chance to recover
5. save money - since i won't have to pay credit bills, i should have a chance to save that money up
6. get married at some point - probably this december or january
7. should get some money from the marriage
8. buy a house together - by that point my credit score should be back to where it should be - we'll have money we saved for the year - and we'll have some money from the wedding

nice plan huh? not too happy about having to go back and rent for awhile - buy whatever, if this is what i have to do to get myself out of debt, so be it. won't it be nice not to be under a massive credit card debt? only to have "good" debt - ie, student loans and then a mortgage. plus, i'm spending something outragious like $700 a month on credit card debt, if i decide not to save all of that, i'll have extra money a month so that i don't have to live like a student - at least to have a little breathing room - and if everything goes the way it's supposed to, in another year i should get another raise - maybe by that time i'll be working in felonies - if so, i should get a $7000 a year raise. if i'm not there yet, i should be close to it - im working in wakulla now, that was a promotion, and the fast track to felonies.

good plan huh? mom and dad aren't thrilled about it - but they want to loan me the money to pay off my credit card debt, that's nice and all - very nice to have parents that could do that, but im not a child anymore - i need to own up to my own debts and deal with them myself. im the youngest of 3, but my other sisters have borrowed like $90,000 from my parents - sisters are 34 and 36 and they are still borrowing from my parents, i refuse to do that. my parents deserve better.

how nice is it that my townhouse has gone up so much! i knew i bought it at a deal, the ones that have sold from my neighborhood, with the same floor plan have sold for like $150 ish - i bought mine for about $125 and my current mortgage balence is $121,000 - if I sell it for $150 i make almost $30, but i'm assuming for the time being that i won't be able to walk away from the closing table with more than $140 or $145, still that's a nice chunk of change - pay off all my debts and still have a little left to play with. yeah for me!

now we just have to find a place to rent that allows both dogs and cats that's renting for about what im paying for mortgage - shouldn't be too hard. :o)

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[17 Nov 2005|06:17pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

in response to a blurty comment/question, no he has not asked yet. He'll probably ask around Christmas time - as he has to ask my father for permission first (yes, I'm old fashioned that way - neither of my sisters did that, but I think it's important)

probably going to use the diamond that Aunt Janet left me in her will, with a new setting. mom is talking about redoing the ring her mother left her, and taking some of the diamonds out of that - which I may use some of those stones as well. who knows. makes ben's life easier - not having to buy diamonds, just the setting - which of course, will be his own design.

we've been talking about it quite a bit - kinda weird planning a wedding when he hasn't asked yet. not really planning it as more of where and when. not sure if we want to do it here - which would be good b/c most of our friends are here, but we're also considering cocoa beach - his family lives in orlando - 45 minutes away, and we both love the idea of a simple, beach wedding. who knows.

and of course, i need my zta girls from back home to email me thier addresses!

mom is going crasy with all of this - for those of you that know my mom - that's not unusal - but she's really taking the whole wedding thing and gone crasy. she's been kinda depressed lately, so i think this gives her something to be happy about. of course, it all still depends on daddy giving us his blessing (and of course, him actually asking!)

random - anyone ever try that italian rest on park and magnolia - little itlay? it's REALLY good. ben and i went there for dinner tonight, not expensive - mom and pop place - the best kind! just thought i'd share

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[08 Nov 2005|10:06pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

he wants to marry me. can you imagine that? you know the weird thing? i want to marry him. me - the one who shied away from marriage whenever it was mentioned. wow. i'm so excited.

no - he hasn't asked - but we talked about it - he's gotta talk to my father before he asks - that's my one condition. you have to ask permission - yes, it's old fashioned - but i am my father's daughter - right?

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on a much cheerier note! [27 Oct 2005|07:04pm]
[ mood | content ]

things are better, much better - ben and i worked through a lot of the issues - mind you i am still paranoid, but things are a lot better - in fact, we're having a pirate tailgate next week for the maryland game! and his cousin is coming into town - that should be quite entertainig.

work has been crazy though. i have been the juvenile division this week - cydnee is out for a couple weeks, and this week eric was out all week - so ive been handling the whole case load - crasiness!! i haven't been able to breathe all week - but i made it (friday is usually really light) so i proved myself

we're getting a new judge - 37, no judicial experience, coming from the EPA and little trial experience. joy. i hope she's not another tree hugger - not that i have problems with environmentalist - just that when someone with those tendencies looks at a kid, they go lightly on the child, even when the kid is tring to kill thier parents - the last judge like that gave kids chance after chance after chance - it made the judicial system a joke and made my life hell b/c it felt like i was doing all this work for nothing - but like i said, hopfully she won't be like that!

that's all for now folks - gotta go make baked potatoes!

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thoughts [09 Oct 2005|10:09pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i hate arguing with ben b/c when we do, i start getting paranoid about the relationship. i start to wonder stupid things and worry about stupid things - things i know i shouldn't, but i do anyway. he was engaged before - and i know he was in love with her. and i know he says hes in love with me. yet, i wonder sometimes - can you compare the love you feel for two different people?

i think back to my past relationships. i know now that i was never in love with charlie. and i was never in love with nic - even though we were engaged at one point. i know that becuase of "boy". i know how i felt about him, and i know that was really the first time i was ever in love with anyone - truely, deeply and fully in love with someone. everything else i thought i felt for anyone else was something trival - infatuation be it, whatever you want to call it.

so i wonder now, he was in love with jen, he wanted to marry jen. does he still think about her? is he still in love with her? how do i compare to her?

and i know that's completely stupid and childish to worry about, yet i do. it's not a fair question, and i would never ask him- one, b/c it's not a fair question and two, i really don't think id get an honest answer anyway.

sometimes i worry that he's a rusher - he rushes into relationships - i think he's still searching for what his parents have. and he's willing to rush into marriage in the hopes to find what his parents have. and i wonder if im just his latest expedition.

i don't feel secure right now. and i know im not over the whole erasing numbers from his phone, b/c i brought it up last night - i did the typical girl thing and threw something we argued about before back at him. of course i can say that i was only explaining an answer to one of his questions - he asked me if i trusted him and the answer is no. he broke that trust - albeit, i understand why he erased her phone calls, but i still don't know who he was calling and why he felt the need to erase those phone calls as well.

i hate feeling this evil monester of jealosy. and i wonder if i'll ever be able to feel completely secure in a relationship. i know i was secure with ben before the phone calls issue. it all comes back to self esteem. i don't think im worthy to be loved - so i assume he's going to leave me and i look for signs when there really aren't any. i try to find them. and i realize that about me, and im trying to correct them, but i can't.

mel talks about loving growing older. we had a really long conversation about it yesterday - self realization and self analysis. problem is, what happens when most of the things you realize about yourself, you dont like?

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[09 Oct 2005|03:20pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

we argued again last night. i know that it's not fair to expect him to do the same things for me that i do for him- to make the same sacrafices, esp if he doesn't know all the things that i do and don't do for him - however, i still think its fair of me to ask him to consider my feelings once and awhile. i hate to say he was being selfish, b/c by saying that, i'm being selfish, and i recognize that.

in the midst of our "conversation" he asks me - if someone came to your house and offered you $15 K more than your house is worth - would you take it? and i said no. that spurred a long conversation in which i tried to explain the fact that i don't trust anyone - and if someone were to do that, i would assume i was getting screwed somehow - but i gave him some stupid example - say i had this toy - a toy i never really played with anymore and someone came up to me and offered me double what i paid for it, my instint would be no - i would wonder why and wonder what i didn't know and that person knew. however, if someone came up to me and i found out that he honestly loved the toy, but could never have it b/c his parents were poor or whatever, i would give him the toy for free - just to make him happy. to which somehow ben took that as me being high and mighty. that im on some fucking high horse and look down on people.

good god. i don't think im a snob. i know i was rasied a certain way, and i don't understand some things, or how people can live certain ways, but i don't hold that against them - i just don't understand. money doesn't matter to me - jesus, if it did do you think i would be working where i am now? do you think id have the friends i have? do you think id date the men i date? i don't care. i don't care if i make more or less money. i don't care if i have more or less of an education then someone. and to be bluntly honest, i am attracted to men who are "blue collar" if you have to label it. i enjoy being around people who are both street and book smart. im around intelligent book smart people every day who know shit about the real world. i love having intelligent conversations with people who can actually talk and think rather than recite what the latest best seller had to say about who was to fucken blame for the aftermath of the latest fucken hurricane. jesus christ.

then he goes on to say some of his friends feel im high and mighty, but then he wouldn't name names. what? are we 5 years old again? is that true, or are you just saying that to hurt me?

i know he has self esteem issues, and i recognize the defense mechanism of hurting me first so that i won't hurt him. but ive never looked down on him for his lack of a formal education, ive never looked down at him b/c i make more money then he does and i have never looked down on him bc he has a blue collar career - in fact, i love the fact that he builds houses i love that he creates things. and i realize that he has these negitive thoughts about himself, and hes worried that i think the same way - but how do i get him to understand that i don't think that way? ive told him over and over how i feel about him but he just won't listen. and i realize that he has to come to grips with himself before he can ever belive that i feel that way about him, but damn it, don't make me feel like shit b/c i have my career in place and it happens to be what some people assume is high collar - i don't have my shit together either - i just have a good job - that's all. don't make me feel like shit and don't blame me for my place in life when i don't blame you for yours.

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old friends [04 Oct 2005|07:58pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

actually spoke to ops boy today - first time in awhile - that was nice. i missed you! i was really worried that preacher boy had bitched about me so badly that you never wanted to talk to me again. glad to know that's not the case.

we had a really good conversation - i don't mind being the shrink of my friend's relationship - it's a give and take really. it's just so weird that we're able to share such things when we've only known each other for a short period of time. hope your conversation with your wife goes well!

after speaking to ops boy i realized that i miss going to shows. i need to start back into that again. of course i don't think ben would be too enthused about that. he's from orlando and im sure any local band around here wouldn't hold water in his mind to what he's heard - but i had a lot of fun at the shows. maybe my friend mellissa would want to go with me.........she's been hitting the music scene around here lately...........

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[04 Oct 2005|07:46pm]
[ mood | curious ]

You scored as Cinderella. Your alter ego is Cinderella! You often find yourself doing a lot of housework, but if you are patient, your hard work usually pays off. You are prone to losing things, so dont rush through everything.







The Beast


Sleeping Beauty


Donald Duck


Peter Pan




Snow White


Cruella De Ville


Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

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word of the day [04 Oct 2005|11:52am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

inchoate \in-KOH-it\, adjective:
1. In an initial or early stage; just begun.
2. Imperfectly formed or formulated.

Inchoate comes from the past participle of Latin inchoare, alteration of incohare, "to begin."

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i hate the dentist [04 Oct 2005|11:49am]
[ mood | chipper ]

i have to go to the dentist. i loath the dentist. i haven't been in like 4 years.............and now my teeth hurt. was it stupid not to go? *nods yes reluctently* but i really don't like to go..............*whine*

oh well. of course now i have to figure out which dentist to go to, and which ones my health care covers.......my parent's used to handle all that crap, i have no clue what im doing - they really could rip me completely off and i would have no idea......

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scratch the nose [02 Oct 2005|05:59pm]
[ mood | curious ]

so, he "found" my online journal. when i asked him if he read it, he admitted to it though - so that's a good thing i guess. said he didn't read all of it, only the last two entried - i don't think that's quite true, but whatever. i know that if i had....stumbled...on it, i would have read the entire thing, esp if the person was asleep. whatever, i'm not going to let it bother me. i tell him everything anyway.

you know one thing i did realize when i reread some recent entries to see what he read? ben doesn't have a nichname - how weird is that? every other guy ive talked about in the past two years on here has had a nickname - maybe not charlie. so charlie and ben don't have nicknames on here - eww....bad combo to have together.

work is getting crazy. there are 3 of us who handle all the juvenile cases from our county and one of my co-workers is having surgury, so it's going to be me and my boss who run all of juvenile. just us. my case load was heavy to begin with - now it's going to be madness. plus, when he goes out of town for a couple week, i get to handle juvenile all by myself. can you say stress?

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[01 Oct 2005|10:39pm]
[ mood | content ]

why is it every time i watch city of angels, i cry?

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[01 Oct 2005|08:35pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

last night was good. went to pauls, drank a little too much, as did ben. alcohol can do wonders for a relationship - liquid courage to say things that you want to say, but are too damned scared to say outloud, which leads to a great conversation and afterwards you're like - if i had said this a week, two weeks ago, everything would have been fine.

so yes, things are very good right now.

stayed up until 4am, got up at 9am, game started at 330 - ben was tailgating at 1030, i show up around 130, start drinking, free tickets, watch half there, go to pauls, watch the other half - go noles - fucken usc - had to win.......but, gators lost so that's good.

came home soon after the game, pretty tired and beat and sore, but happy........very happy

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sigh [26 Sep 2005|08:24pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

his ex-girlfriend keeps calling. i know he's deleting her phone calls - he's admitted to that much - but i wonder if he's calling her as well. i can't prove that he is, he says that he's not, but i have this awful feeling that he is. perhaps the fact that all but 2 or 3 of my past boyfriends have cheated on me that i'm paranoid about the subject. or perhaps that b/c ive been cheaten on so many times i have hyper sensitive instint about these things. i don't know. i know he hasn't cheated on me, she lives in panama city, but i still wonder if he's lying to me about calling her. and so what if he is, right? but then that leads to - is he still in love with her? why does he need to talk to her and why is he hiding it from me? of course, if he is at all anyway. i don't know.

dui school was fun. learned a lot. more to come later when im not so tired from catching up with work. why is it that it takes twice as long as the time you were away from work to catch up?

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hello all [18 Sep 2005|11:51am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

when i was younger, i took the myers briggs test. i just recently took it again. apparently i am an ENFJ - the "giver". Want to know more?


pretty interesting actually. it's pretty much on target for my own perception of myself. Ben is a ENTP - the visionary. again, pretty much on target for how i see him.

work is sending me to a week long school on DUI starting tomorrow in Ocala. While I freaked out at first, asking them if they were sending me to traffic (oh good god no) they said they weren't, but this school is supposed to be one of the best trainings. it's taught/run by asa's who have been around forever, the first two days we go over pre-trial motions and dui law (did you know that a dui is probably the hardest jury trial to win? juries hate to find people guilty of it, plus, it's so technically complicated...) the last three days we all get to do a fake trial on a set of facts - it's videotaped and we are criticed by retired judges in the area. only 40 people from FL go a year, and i'm the only one from our district. pretty cool huh?

other than that, things are going really well at work. busy as ever. still waiting for them to move me out of juvenile - but I'm ok staying there for awhile - the judge i have is one of the most respected judges in leon county - he was a state asa, then a federal prosecutor then went up through the ranks of judges quickly. he was in adult felony for years. i get to learn the law and perfect my abilities without the worries of a jury, then i can move up to adult felonies with all that under my belt.

ben and i are basically living together. i think we would be living together, if he didn't have a 60 pound dog. dog needs yard, i don't have one. he has one, but i own a townhouse and he rents. so there you go. he has issues with me still being invovled with my fraternity. he was never in a greek organization, so he doesn't understand. in fact, he grew up hearing about the steriotype all his life, that he's become completly shut off to the idea of greeks and has a preconcieved notion about all greeks. it's sad to me, b/c i love still being invovled and he hates it. i don't understand why he would be so jealous of it (although he swears very loudlly that he's not - which means he is) b/c it's not like i'm hanging around a bunch of guys and he can't go and it's not illegal, and it makes me happy. it's really only one meeting a week - although it's supposed to be two, but he would freak out. whatever. plus we argue about his ex-girlfriend who still calls him - all the time. i wouldn't care so much, but it's his recent ex and they were living together, yada yada. i don't get mad at him, except when he tries to hide the fact that she calls. i know he doesn't talk to her, and he's only not telling me b/c he knows i'll get upset. but, lying - not a good thing....

besides those two things, and a few minor annoyances, we are doing wonderfully. he met the parents when they came down here, and i know momma approved, daddy, well, i make more money then ben, and ben doesn't have a college eduation, so that's two strikes in my dad's book. i asked daddy about his thoughts on ben, he hasn't responded yet - we'll see.

random - we watched the FSU game at a friends house the other night. both got pretty drunk, ben more so than i and he asked me "would you marry me?" to which i freaked out - not b/c it's too soon - ive been in love with him for years, but that he was asking me when we had been drinking - of course when i asked him about it this morning, he says "i was just making sure you WOULD, i wasn't asking you to marry me" hmmm....ok.

i am getting to that point in my life where i want to get married. still not sure about having kids though. i'm still too selfish of a person for that.

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