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[17 Nov 2004|08:53am] With this pleading breath “Clutch me now” You’re begging me, If not aloud, then silently. Whispering eyes, and again I’m breaking skin. Or you can lie and say it’s alright, But with this pleading breath will you let me in. Breaking bones, And then reset them. You think I can’t handle the truth But you’re worth the consequences. Decisions made, taking chances, When I’d be risking more by letting you go. With each pleading breath I’m getting closer, You can keep pushing away, But I push harder. Speak quietly so I might hear you. I don’t want to take her place But I can ease the battle scars. All wounds heal If you let them So with this pleading breath will you let me in. In Diamonds

Words I lack [20 Oct 2004|09:56am] Again I take a breath For you to steal from me Without ever meaning to. As you try to scrape away At my feeling-proof steel walls. Is where I keep You from me. Without ever meaning to. It’s only good intentions That will thaw me in the end Like the words you whispered Under breaths of vulnerability. And it’s these words that I lack to speak That should mean that much more to you. Here, take this chisel Put it to these walls, I don’t really mind the fall. Because in the aftermath, If I let you get to me, I’d rather you hurt me good If you bother to at all. And if you use me, Just use me up. Here, Take this breath from me. I’ll end up taking it back, With these words I lack to speak. In Diamonds

[02 Oct 2004|10:56pm] [ mood | excited ] woah, I don't know if I can get use to being treated right. I went out tonite with a guy I've been talking to alot lately and actually went somewhere else to eat other than Mickey D's or taco bell. Someone that didn't make me pay everything and go pick him up. It was pretty rad. We went to Olive Garden, which was cool and I was like: "I'm not use to these two fork type of places." It's a lot of fun hanging with him, I keep finding out all these things we have in common. We both are big book junkies, into poetry and coffee, cooking, like all different types of music. and there's always something else coming out. and wow, my dad actually approved. Or atleast as much as he can admit to it. In Diamonds

yay [24 Sep 2004|10:50pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | "Way down" Half Down Thomas ] I'm a happy chick right now. My band shirts I finally ordered came!!!! I got a Weezer Shirt, Yellowcard, Blink 182, and a bunch of pins. I'm So excited! In Diamonds

[23 Sep 2004|10:45pm] [ mood | okay ] Only in the aftermath do I see How you were everything to me. As I lye here in shredded pictures of you, Lacking something of me. Oh this was suppose to be The quick fix it For something that can’t patch up so easy. Its during the in between, Realization sets in, Some things need more than duct tape and pretty reasons. And I needed more than empty wrappers and One night stands. Now I got three weeks and some odd days Before I can get this all okay. You’re like a bad habit I have to face. Where it’s all too easy to not take just one taste. I smile still, but you still you stay. And I’m waiting for my grammy, As I make this pain look so lovely. I smile still, but still you stay. In Diamonds

[22 Sep 2004|09:16am] [ mood | relieved ] I'm single. I finally got the guts. In Diamonds

Where I want you [27 Aug 2004|12:33pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | "Memories of you" Yellowcard ] Where I want you Fragile Reality comes So harsh it’ll go. I could hold this second forever We could live together And struggle Leave behind scars Where our footsteps are. And make it still. Or grow to hate Such a bitter waste. Yeah I could be blind And say I don’t see how happy You could be without me I could love you just the same Away Far away from me Apart from me Far away from me. Oh I could see you now It’s all too clear The pain that’ll await When you wake up to a piece of paper But it holds no anger in these words. Leaving with pretty intentions Of always wanting you happy. Even if that means, Without me. Yeah I could be blind And say I don’t see how happy You could be without me I could love you just the same Away. That’s where I want you to stay Far away Away Away From Me. Far away Without me. Where I want you to be In Diamonds

[25 Aug 2004|10:44pm] [ mood | content ] Add one one part inconsiderate, two parts cruel, Mix them all together and make a you! In Diamonds

[23 Aug 2004|11:06pm] [ mood | okay ] I think that deep down I always knew he wasn’t the one for me. I was just too busy trying to be defiant because I don’t like when my parents tell me no. I love him. I always will and I know that. But I think I’m ready to move on. I know I deserve to be treated better, to be happy, and not have to fight all the time. I don’t want to struggle anymore. Especially when it comes to a relationship. I keep battling with myself rather to call or not. I want to be stubborn and make him call me. But at the same time I want to drive the final nail into the coffin and be done with it. In Diamonds

[22 Aug 2004|11:27pm] I think I'm single. In Diamonds

It's not enough [22 Aug 2004|11:06pm] [ mood | drunk ] Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough by Patti Smith Album : Submitted by : Corrected by : Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side. And I don't want to hate you, I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry. And that don't really matter to anyone anymore. But like a fool I keep losing my place and I keep seeing you walk through that door. (Chorus) But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay where they are. Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough. Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you. Baby, you don't have to take the fall. Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you. Maybe I just want to have it all. It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain. And like a fool who will never see the truth, I keep thinking something's gonna change. (Chorus) And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone. Are there things that you wanted to say? And do you feel me beside you in your bed, there beside you, where I used to lay? And there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch. There's a reason why people don't stay who they are. Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough. Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough. Oh, Oh, Oh, No. In Diamonds

goodbye goober [21 Aug 2004|11:10am] [ mood | drained ] We put our dog to sleep this morning. She was just in too much pain. We thought she had longer but she hadn't ate much in over a week, she was lifeless and since last night she kept trying to wander off trying to find a place to hide. Yesterday my brother came down and took her to the dam so she could swim since the water was her favorite thing. Then we had taken her to the woods for a walk. It was just so weird because when he was around, she was back to her normal self. But my mom woke me up this morning to tell me what was going on. I just sat downstairs petting her, watching my dad fall apart. He had wanted to be able to leave her at the vets and let them take care of the body but they were leaving for the weekend so my parents had to wrap her up in sheets and bring her home to bury her. We just got back from burying her in the back yard under a tree. I've never seen my dad anywhere close to how he is right now. It's like he lost a child almost. Mom and I just stood there watching him dig, tears rolling down his eyes. The damn cow was in the back yard and at one point he just grabbed a clump of dirt and hurled it at the cow. When he pulled her body out of the truck I thought I was going to lose it. She was wrapped in the sheet and her tail and legs were just hanging limp. We put her in the ground and buried her tennis balls and "booey bob" with her. It was her favorite toy. He was trying to throw the dirt over her and just couldn't so he handed me the shovel. I'm dreading us having to tell my brother. I'm almost thrilled I have to go to work. The silence is almost deafening. In Diamonds

I would even settle for a dying carnation [20 Aug 2004|10:24pm] [ mood | indifferent ] My pen has run on empty But so much left to be said Strength is dwindling, We are nothing but a title With pages blank Reading only the beginning Fearing the end. I am only as good as you are to me Explaining why I sometimes feel Worth less than anything. Anything Would be better now Then these wrinkled sheets being all we have Feet first I fell in Head first I’ll crash out Feed this hungry shredder now With our torn out pages, Long overdue. I’ll keep just this one piece Of the time you said I was perfect. Perfect was never enough. I’m only as good as you make me feel I guess that’s why I sometimes feel Worth less than anything. In Diamonds

All about bob. [14 Aug 2004|12:18am] [ mood | thoughtful ] I have this cat named Bob. It's actually a girl.... but she's a stray that's been hanging around our house for a few months. After the first few weeks of her camping under my car and not going away, I began feeling so bad for her that I would occasionally give her food and water when no one was around. From then on whenever I came outside she was go between my feet for me to pet her and jump on my lap if I was in the porch swing. She has no tail which makes her a bob cat. SO I began calling her Bob. Eventually the rest of my family gave in and bought her, own food and now she's been dubbed as my cat. Well today I was in my car getting ready to go somewhere and my mom was putting the garage door down when I noticed bob was right underneath the door. I started freaking out, afraid the door would drop on her. The sensors on the door kicked in and caused it to go back up. Mom laughed at me, telling me she couldn't believe I got that excited over my little stray baby. I told her I was afraid the door was going to fall and crush her tail. I got thinking about that .... "Wait.... she doesn't have a tail." Leave it to me to be-friend a deformed animal. 2 Dress Me Up | In Diamonds

[13 Aug 2004|11:55pm] [ mood | okay ] The \\ Last Cigarette: Hour ago Last Alcoholic Drink: Week ago Last Car Ride: twenty minutes ago Last Kiss: yesterday Last Good Cry: few days ago Last Library Book: Last month.... book about Jobs Last book bought: Been awhile Last Book Read: Sweep series Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Anchorman Last Movie Rented: Secret Window Last Cuss Word Uttered: Shit Last Beverage Drank: Diet Pepsi Last Food Consumed: Fries and chicken fingers Last Crush: Its an ongoing thing Last Phone Call: to my mom, few hours ago Last TV Show Watched: this morning, Charmed Last Time Showered: this morning Last Shoes Worn: flip flops Last CD Played: Ashlee Simpson Last Item Bought: Velvet Revolver shirt Last Download: Can't remember Last Annoyance: A few minutes ago Last Disappointment: On going thing Last Soda Drank: Diet Pepsi Last Thing Written: This Last Key Used: House Last Words Spoken: I'm home Last Sleep: Last night Last Ice Cream Eaten: Chocolate Last Chair Sat In: Car Last Webpage Visited: Blurty CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS! In Diamonds

when is it enough? [12 Aug 2004|10:01pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Word up "korn" ] hmmm.... today. Up until today I had no idea what was going on with me and Jo. Seriously, I was going to give him another week of not hearing from him before finally realizing maybe we just weren't together anymore. I mean, none of it is his fault, but he lives further from me, I can't go see him, he has no phone..... I can never call him. It's pretty much a day to day thing not knowing when the next time I'll hear from him will be. Then I watch all of my other chick friends talking about seeing their guys on the weekends.... and going out to eat on a regular basis.... the girls at work will call theirs on break, girls talk about what was done for them for their birthday, and plans for special holidays. and it's normal. With us..... it's never been that way. I pretend like it doesn't matter, but I want someone who will do sweet things for me, and as independent as I try to be, I want to be taken care of and loved on too. I love him yeah.... but I keep battling with myself, wondering if that's enough anymore. It feels somewhat similar to dating someone who's off in iraq. Anyway.... so I was at work today straightening all the clothes close to the front window, thinking about all of this when I hear someone tap on the window behind me and there he was. Thats the story of our relationship. As soon as I'm about to give up and let him go.... he's always there. So he came in and I didn't really know what to say.... I half wanted to run up and give him a big hug because I've missed him..... but I also wanted to be mad and bitter at the same time. He was in town running errands and said he would come back later maybe then I'll be on my break. So I arranged to leave when he got there and we weren't really hungry so we went to this spot over by the lake. I kept trying to get the words out to tell him maybe we should take things less serious and just break it off for awhile... but the thing is I can never even form the words even somewhat resembling that without feeling like I'm going to cry. Because the truth is I don't really want to lose him. There's so much conflict when it comes to us. There always has been. From the beginning, my parents have always told me I could do better. That I deserve someone who will come and pick me up and take me places, and treat me well. Not somone that I have to pick up and take care of all the time. Maybe they're right. But whose to really say I'm any better? I mean, I've always struggled in everything I've ever done.... I've never had tons of friends... I was that shy girl no one ever understood. Who knows.... maybe that's my attraction to him. I've never been much of the type to listen to what other people say... it just makes the decision harder. I just can't explain why he has always been my weakness. Why I can't just let him go. We were sitting in my car on my break, and I was leaned over and he was holding me. When I finally had to leave I told him "You know, until you showed up today, I just assumed we were over". He got real quiet and was like: "I love you, we're still together." I was just trying to pretend I wasn't upset by doing the Marie's famous "look away" trick so I wouldn't cry or something. He tried holding me but I was just trying to finish what I was saying. I told him that one day that just wouldn't be enough, and until today I was just going to let him go. Even if it isn't his fault, I told him that if it's never going to get better, maybe we just need to accept it and move on. He got really quiet and just gave me a big hug. Then I had to go because my break was over. I just couldn't do it. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to lose him as a friend. I don't give a damn if no one see's what I do in him, I know he has a lot of potential, and I know he loves me. For a long time, that was enough for me. But now I just don't know. I guess I'm accepting that I'm always going to feel this way, but that doesn't mean we're suppose to be together. and with our different schedules, maybe we'll just naturally pull apart with no hard feelings. I don't know. In Diamonds

[10 Aug 2004|08:03pm] [ mood | crazy ] Ok so my brother got his arm cut open and is staying with us for a few days because he's all slinged up. So after dinner I was driving him down to Movie Gallery to get him something he can watch since he can't do much of anything. Well we go in and I saw that one of my guy friends was in there working and so I said hi to him, and when we went to check out, we were talking. When we got out of the place, my brother was like: that guy was checking you out, go back in and get his number. I told him that he was just a friend and he kept on, telling me how this dude was better than Jo and I was a pansy for atleast not getting his number. He finally got the guys name out of me. So we get home and he grabs the movie we just got and called the number on it. I was sitting there listening to him talking telling him "Hey, we were just in there, and um my sister has the hots for you but is too much of a wuss to tell you. She has a boyfriend, but he's a real loser so I'm going to give you her number." So he got off the phone and told me that this guy said he actually liked me for a long time.... yada yada.. I can't believe my brother. In Diamonds

It's not everyday...... [06 Aug 2004|10:28pm] [ mood | amused ] okay..... the interesting thing that happened to me today... I was at work today doing my thing when I noticed this "woman" standing there looking at the clearance rack. Now usually I wouldn't pay much attention to another woman, but this lady had EXTREMELY large arm and leg muscles. But she was dressed in a short skirt and had long blonde hair. It's not your typical woman to see everyday so I decided to see if my hunch was right and went over to the rack in front of her and began waxing it, and straightening the clothes. So I very casually looked up..... and there is NO WAY this person was a woman. I wanted to ask if "she" was finding everything okay or something friendly just so "she" would answer and I could hear "her" voice to see if I was right. But instead I tried to mind my own business. But after a few seconds I had to move to the other side of the store because I was afraid I would start laughing. It's just not something you see everyday down in this little redneck town. In Diamonds

[06 Aug 2004|07:49am] [ mood | complacent ] I just have to give credit to Indesirable for my rockin new layout! I love it. Thank you so much! In Diamonds

surprise [31 Jul 2004|10:13pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | "Falling for you" Weezer ] I was real excited. I was at work today and I was kneeling on the floor in front of the desk doing mark downs when someone gently kicked me. I thought it was my boss just joking around but I looked up and Jo was standing there with this big grin on his face. He had been in the neighborhood and decided to come in and surprise me. It was good because work had been one of those hectic days where not very much was going right. I was getting off in about forty five minutes so he hung around and when I got off he was waiting for me. We drove down to our little spot overlooking the lake and sat on top of the hill and cuddled. I just love surprises. :) 4 Dress Me Up | In Diamonds

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