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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Subject:Catching up.
Time:2:31 pm.
Mood:Wired.
Music:CINEMA STRANGE - Catacomb Kittens.
I had Thanksgiving at my parent’s house and met my grandfather’s girlfriend. She was very nice, but I could tell she felt awkward since my grandmother only passed away in March. I have no hard feelings, and I understand that no one wants to die alone. She was a good friend to my grandmother as well, and knowing my grandmother she’d be happy that my grandfather isn’t depressed and lonesome. I found it kind of strange when he was talking about his dog he has had for over ten years and said “When Jenny passes, no one can ever replace her.” Hah! Males. . .

I can’t believe how fast Christmas is coming up! I’m so horrible when it comes to buying gifts for others, I’m stressing out over it. Money isn’t the problem; I just worry too much about getting everyone exactly what they want. I asked my parents for a $200 gift certificate for Barns and Nobles, I can not own enough books.

A few weeks ago my sister, Matt and I went to Jerry’s house. He had an old Daihatsu he bought for $150 and was thinking about junking it for $75 because he recently bought another $150 car. We starting talking about how destructive we were when we were kids, and we came up with the idea of destroying the car. We shot out the windows with a Beebe gun and just beat the crap out of it. Matt went and bought a small saw and cut all the doors, the hood, the trunk, and the top of the car off. Even the guys from Hungry Howei’s (Local Pizza Place) were coming out of the restaurant and joining in. It was so much fun!











Wednesday night, the tenth of December, was my ex-roommate Aaron’s 21st birthday party. Robert and I wanted to throw a little party for him, so we invited some people over. Devin (the idiot that stole his grandmother’s car) ended up stopping by. We were all sitting around the grill outside because it was nice and cold, but still had the heat from the grill to keep us warm. For some reason, Devin’s stupid ass decided to pick the grill up and some how he dropped it and all these hot ashes went in my face and burned my eyes. I was alright, but it’s still uncomfortable to get a face full of ash. Robert flipped out on him and was yelling “You burned my girlfriend’s face! You asshole, why don’t you just leave? No one wants you here, you’re just annoying everyone.” And he shoved him through the door and punched him in the face. He had a bloody lip, hah! But, unfortunately he stayed. I would take another face of ash just to see that again.

I went to my sister’s house this weekend for her boyfriend’s Christmas party at the Trade winds (A really fancy hotel on the beach). We had dinner there, and I met a really nice girl (Shannon) that Shawn’s girlfriend, Jamie, brought along. Before the party Kym, Matt, Shawn and I all went to the mall. I get REALLY stressed out when I’m around large groups of people and since it was close to Christmas the mall was extremely packed. Kym and I started getting really irritated and just wanted to leave because people kept yelling comments at us and just being really rude. Matt had just bought food and wanted her to drive (he ALWAYS makes her drive.) She was already irritated to begin with, and traffic was a mess. The car in front of us slammed on their brakes and Kym almost ran into the back of them. Well this set Matt off and he raised his hand to her and started screaming in her face. He picked his food up and threw it at her and told her to get out of the car. Then I started yelling at him about how much of an asshole he was and that he never drives, so he kicked me out of the car too (I fed his food to the seagulls!) He took the car and left me and Kym stranded at an empty strip mall. He came back about 20 minutes later and Kym was like “Why the hell would I want to get in the car with you?” but he acted like nothing happened and I guess Kym just shrugged it off. I would NEVER put up with his bullshit. Robert may accuse me of cheating, but I think that is just fear. He has never raised his hand to me or abused me in any way that Matt has to Kym. There is still romance in our relationship, but I think Kym’s is a flame that has long burned out (if there ever was a flame to begin with.) It’ll only get worse, and I fear the worst for her. He’s been getting into guns and already owns two! Of all the people who should own a gun, he certainly is the last (next to Devin.)

Going to see Lord of the Rings tonight, woo! I'm about ten minutes late for work already. Blah.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 7th, 2003

Time:6:28 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:SOLEFALD - Philisophical Revolt.
I spent the day with my parents yesterday, it was so nice seeing them again after such a long time. It will certainly be a day that I will dwell on when they are gone. I hate time.

I bought $170 worth of black pants for work, $90 worth of MAC make-up, $60 worth of books (Mary Queen of Scotland and the Isales, The Pianist, and The Grapes of Wrath), and $40 on shoes. I gave my father four of my uncashed paychecks worth nearly $1,000 and told him to deduct it out of that, but my mother called me today and told me that we don't see each other often so they're going to pay for it all!

I also discovered I've had $400 in my PayPal account since last October. I haven't the slightest clue how that money got in there, so I've been winning items off of E-bay all day! I've won Life of a Geisha, Hard cover and very nice version of The Divine Comedy , Agathodaimon - Higher art of rebellion CD, The Pianist on widescreen DVD, Cradle of Filth - Damnation and a Day CD, and a Mortiis mousepad. I still have $300 left to spend, and many items I'm still watching for.

Now, I just have to wait patiently as all the items are sent to me, I'm a very serene person *taps foot*.
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Friday, September 5th, 2003

Time:11:42 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:SKINNY PUPPY - Addiction.
I just got done working six nine hour days in a row. I'm so exhausted and sick of working. I did get to see Cradle of Filth on the 27th of August and that was a nice break. I wasn't interested in any of the opening bands, so I stuck around back and talked with a few people. When Cradle of Filth came on I couldn't see a thing, everyone was so crowded up front. The bouncer was eyeing me though and snuck me over to the side of the stage so I could see better. I was hoping I could use my 'charm' and allure to maybe get backstage but all I ended up leaving with was his telephone number (and the girl I was with gave him mine.) My boyfriend was extremely jealous, but I can understand why. The bouncer called me the day after the show and I told him immediately that I was in a long term-relationship and not at all interested in anything other than friendship. He seemed pretty cool with that and he was a very nice and down to earth person.

This is me dressed and ready for the Cradle of Filth show:




Here is a drawing inspired by the show on the 27th of August:





Type O Negative is coming this Wednesday the 10th of September. I'd like to see them, I requested off, but I'm not so sure I'll be able to make it. I hear both Type O Negative and Cralde of Filth are coming back together in November. That would be an awsome show! I hope this information is true. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing Dimmu Borgir and Children of Bodom on the 19th of November. I've already got the days requested off!!

I must hurry now, back to work with me. *sigh*
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2003

Subject:Life - A book of painful tongue that hurts our ears.
Time:2:12 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
Music:SUMMONING - Like Snow-White Marble Eyes.
Each day feels like a struggle. I’m always exhausted. Starting work has really put me in descending moods. I’m starting to get disconsolate and far too nostalgic. I often feel dazed, tired and poignant. It’s hard to keep my mind off negative thoughts. I struggle with understanding the point in human existence and it frustrates me to the point of hopelessness and tears. The theories I come up with nearly drive me to the point of madness. Even I have drowned in the lament of my own weeping shadow.


Death is no enemy, but the foundation of gratitude, sympathy, and art.
Of all life’s pleasures, only love owes no debt to death.
–‘The Red Tent’ by Anita Diamant

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, August 8th, 2003

Time:6:01 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:VNV NATION - Electronaut.
I’ve been neglecting this thing! I’ve been so worn out. Although Office Depot hired me at part time they’re giving me full time hours (which I’ve gone overtime about five hours this week and I still work Saturday) yet, I get no benefits. They put me in the Copy and Print center with about four days of training and haven’t taught me half the things customers ask for and left me completely alone. It gets so stressing and overwhelming sometimes because people can be so irate and impatient. If I don’t know the answer, I tell them either “we don’t do that.” Or “I have no clue, try asking that person.” It’s been SO hectic this week because of back to school, the go backs are tremendous and it looks like a typhoon hit the pen/pencil isle!

I have to walk home every night around 11:30, and the cashier, Eric has been walking with me. He goes completely out of his way just to walk me home. He’s sweet, but he sort of makes me uneasy. He has a girlfriend, so that’s very much a part of it. Although I am in a relationship as well, I’m not the one pursuing, and I do feel safer with someone with me that late at night. He’s moving to South Tampa in about a week, so there isn’t much to worry about, I think I got it across to him that I’m in a relationship and not interested.

July 29th was my boyfriends 21st birthday! Unfortunately, there wasn’t much of a party, and ever since my friend’s going away party, I haven’t had much of a taste for alcohol. I took a few lemon shots, but I didn’t get anywhere near wasted.

August 5th was my twin sister’s boyfriend’s 21st birthday. My parents took a detour and picked me up on the way out to her house and we all ate out at Olive Garden. It was nice seeing my family again and I surprisingly got along with my older sister’s boyfriend. We’re almost always at each other’s throats with offensive comments.

I amazingly found time to create two new drawings. One is a self-portrait and the other is Anna-Varney, once again:


 

 


A guy who makes chainmail in his freetime contacted me about creating a chainmail outfit for me, as long as I take some photographs for his portfolio. The photographs didn't come out so well, but the outfit is beautiful. Here are a few shots:


 
 
   


I think that is about all for now, my life hasn’t been particularly stimulating lately. Just working.
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Saturday, July 19th, 2003

Time:6:30 pm.
Mood: amused.
Music:DEVIL DOLL - The Girl Who Was . . . Death.
Yesterday was somewhat interesting and amusing. There is this boy, Eric, at work that has been eyeing me. We haven’t worked together yet, but he has been coming in as I’m leaving and he’s talked to me a few times but briefly. As I was leaving yesterday I decided to pick up a new pack of drawing pencils and some photo paper. I had Eric ring me up but as I went to put in my pin number I realized I forgot it (it’s been a REALLY long time since I’ve withdrawn any money from my account.) So he told me to charge it to his credit card. I refused because it was a fairly expensive purchase ($25.00) and I hardly know him, but he swiped his card anyway. I told him I would reimburse him once I get my paycheck cashed. I felt awful about it so I walked all the way up to the bank to cash my check after work and walked all the way back to work and gave him the money. . .but he wouldn’t take it! I told my boyfriend about it and I thought he would be jealous or mad but he actually laughed so I feel relieved, but Eric doesn’t know I have a boyfriend, we haven’t talked enough for me to even bring that up and I’m afraid he’ll be upset when he finds out. I just don’t know how to bring it up, I’m always so nervous when I’m talking to people, but I guess it’s his own fault to just assume I’m single *snickers*.
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Wednesday, July 16th, 2003

Time:10:19 am.
Mood: irritated.
Music:HECATE ENTHRONED - Promeathea-Thy Darkest Mask Of Surreality.
I leave for work in less then two hours and dreading every minute closer to that time. The managers decided to put me on the ‘Ink Depot’ register without teaching me a thing about ink and toners. I get hundreds of questions a day about ink, printers, fax machines, toners etc. and I don’t know a damn thing these people want to know. They gave the dimwitted lady the job I was told I would get (backroom job D&D, claims). I'm hoping they will give me a chance at it and see that I’m more proficient, meticulous and faster at that type of work. If they keep me on the registers, I’m going to go look for another job secluded from customers, hopefully Capital One’s mailroom.

A customer that constantly talks to me offered me a job where he is working at some sort of mail office, he’s going to give me a card today, and I just have to worry about transportation. Although it’s not very far, it’s too far to walk. It’s amusing how many customers compliment me on my black nails, hair and make-up. I’m guessing for every ten customers I offend (since people seem to get offended by plain irrelevant things) every one customer compliments me. I completely dislike with the utmost intensity working with the public. Someone offered me $120 to make a 15-minute fetish video for them, perhaps selling myself would be worth the money, at least I get to be comfortable and not hide who I am with some hideous Office Depot shirt. I’ll have to think about this offer, what would you suggest?
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Saturday, July 12th, 2003

Time:1:45 pm.
Mood: relaxed.
Music:SATYRICON - Blessed From Below.
It’s been a few days since I’ve posted. I’ve just been so exhausted getting used to this early schedule. Wednesday night I could NOT sleep. My boyfriend had the past three days off, so he decided to have a few friends over and throw a little party. He was in and out of the bedroom all night, turning the light on and making noise. I lay down around 10:00pm and it took me about an hour to fall asleep. Not a half hour later I was woken up and laid in bed for another hour. Around 1:00am one of his friends (the kid that stole his grandmothers car, grr.) called three times in a row until my boyfriend could find the phone to answer it. By then I knew I wouldn’t be able to get any sleep, so I watched Zoolander and didn’t go to sleep until 4:30am. Surprisingly, I wasn’t that tired when 6:30am came around and I was as good as awake through work. That night I went to sleep around 11:00am and I couldn’t fall asleep! I thought I’d be sleeping before my head hit the pillow on two hours of sleep but I lay in bed for a good hour before falling asleep.

Work has been pretty simple. I have been pretty quick on understanding things and finishing things promptly. I learned the registers, finished a location list of 200 items, and read and finished about ten quizzes on customer service and warranties. The lady I started with seems to be a little slow, somewhat of a ditz. She started the warranty test before me and it took her three hours, and she STILL didn’t finish it. She was telling me how hard and confusing it was. When I went to take the test I read and finished it in about ten minutes. The managers were impressed, woo! On the first day of the location list, I finished thirty items on each four pages out of six of the pages, when I looked at hers; she only had five items out of the thirty filled in on the first page. What the hell was she doing all day?! I picked up the registers pretty fast since I’ve worked with registers before. I rung up about three customers before the manager left me on my own, but the lady still needed a manager to supervise her after two days of training. I wonder if it’s average for most employees to pick things up so leisurely.

I hate working the registers. Well, not so much the registers as much as the customers. Someone can give me a thousand items and tell me to scan and I wouldn’t mind doing that. It’s the customers I have to commune with that I can’t stand. They’re all old pompous rich white men, and there is nothing worse than an old person trying to flirt *shudders*. I hope they stick me in the backroom doing D&D or data entry. My plan is to not be really good with customers (which shouldn’t be hard) and to be extremely good doing backroom, meticulous and individual work. I’ve got the weekend off and I think next weekend (hopefully). I had to call for the new schedule last night, they're so slow at it! We start the new week on Sundays, and they usually don't have the schedule up until Saturday nights (they said Friday nights are even iffy and it's usually up Saturday.) I work Monday at noon, that's a lot nicer than having to wake up at 6:30am. ‘Back to School’ is starting up so that’s going to be lots of fun, bah!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, July 8th, 2003

Time:6:04 pm.
Mood: productive.
Music:SIEBENBURGEN - Storms.
I've been working on my new drawing since I've been home from work, and also took a few pictures of me in the process of working on it!

 


Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Time:1:44 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:AGATHODAIMON - Ribbons/Requiem.
I just got off of work about forty minutes ago. I was extremely tired this morning and felt really nauseous, but I actually woke up early! At least I’ll be tired tonight; I couldn’t fall asleep until midnight. There was another woman and myself, we sat in the Employee lounge and had to watch fifteen videos. They were so corny I couldn’t help but make amusing comments. It was boring, but I would rather get paid to be bored than to bust my ass and get paid the same amount. I must have drunk about ten cups of coffee trying to stay awake. I’d have to say the worst part was walking home and having to put up with all the perverts honking, whistling and yelling stuff. Men will be boys, there’s not much you can do, hah.

I’m starting another drawing! I hope to find time to work on it this week. My boyfriend has three days off, and I’ll be going to sleep early. Having a schedule sucks.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, July 7th, 2003

Subject:"If lonliness was all"
Time:5:29 pm.
Mood: nervous.
Music:DEVIL DOLL - Dies Irae.
Well I finished another drawing! And there will still be more to come.

 




I start my new job tomorrow *anxious. * I have to wake up at six thirty in the morning! I'm not used to an early schedule but I adapt pretty easily and fast. I attempted to go to sleep early last night, but I didn’t fall asleep until five this morning. So, in an attempt to outwit myself, I set my alarm early so I would be tired tonight but I slept right through it until one in the afternoon! I’m screwed, hah. I’ll just have to suffer through a day of being tired to get on an early schedule. I have no one to blame but myself for procrastinating since I got the call Thursday.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, July 5th, 2003

Time:3:47 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Music:TRISTANIA - December Elegy.
I went to my boyfriend's Uncle's house for the Fourth. He had a lot of fireworks. I didn't light any off, although three did almost hit me. I stayed inside the garage so I wouldn’t get hit, hah. I've never been very captivated by fireworks. I'd prefer Christmas to the fourth of July *wink*.

I finished up my drawing and started and finished another one yesterday. I also took some photographs and Photo shopped them.

Drawings



 


Photography





I finished The Red Tent and started The Other Boleyn Girl. It’s pretty interesting so far. I am only a hundred pages into it and it’s a fairly large book. It’s about a woman in the 1500’s that is trying to charm a king and bear his son so that her family can gain power.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, July 3rd, 2003

Subject:A Job?!
Time:8:07 pm.
Mood: artistic.
Music:THEATRE OF TRAGEDY - And When He Falleth.
I was sitting around sketching when the telephone rang. The first time it was my boyfriend’s friend (I guess you can call him that.) I can’t stand the kid. He does exceptionally stupid things just to impress people, which he usually fails at. He constantly does drugs and then over exaggerates so that others know that he is a drug user. He’ll say perverted things and sometimes even grab me. He’ll tell one person something and then another person the complete opposite just to feel approved, but the major thing that really made me livid towards him was when he stole his grandmother’s car and wrecked it. He was in jail for auto theft, driving without a license, fleeing the scene of the crime, and a DUI. My grandmother just recently passed away, so when I heard this it just made my reasons for hating him all the more fervent. I felt extremely bad for the lady. She couldn’t get to work because she had no car and worst of all, it was her grandson! I would hurt myself before I ever did anything to upset my grandmother. The most ridiculous thing of all is that she took him back in when he got out of jail, and now he’s calling here again. I just don’t understand why my boyfriend continues to be his friend. He constantly tells him his bad qualities and even punched him in the face and broke his tooth once, yet their still friends. *Groans*

Besides all that, when the phone rang a second time I was shocked to hear the manager from Office Depot! I was so far beyond thinking I was going to get this job (since they said they were going to call and it’s been several weeks since then. I guess the boob thing worked after all!) I start Tuesday at eight (too early!!) Ironically, my twin sister called me this morning and said she also got a call back from a job she applied at and was hired as well!

I started a drawing yesterday and I’m nearly finished! This is it so far:

 




The glair from the light makes it look a little odd. I still have a lot of filling in to do, but other than that it's nearly finished. I'll probably post the finished version once I get around to completing it and taking more pictures.
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003

Subject:The City Bus
Time:1:35 pm.
Mood: amused.
Music:AESMA DAEVA - Darkness (Stromkern).
Yesterday on the bus was extremely entertaining. There was this youthful Bible thumper that thought what he had to say was so important that he made himself the center of attention with his preaching. I’m very open to the fact that everyone has their own religion and ideas, but when someone starts to irritate everyone else by pushing their beliefs on them, I find it to be very discourteous and immodest. I was surprised at how many people there was that didn’t believe in the Bible or god. There was a very old woman sitting across from us that kept laughing and making smart comments to the boy about god. She was hilarious; I would have never expected it. My boyfriend and I tried to disregard his preaching, but he just had to get our attention (which was a huge mistake in his part.) My boyfriend has read up on several religions and knows more about the boy’s religion than he himself does. The kid was trying to say that as long as you believe in god, you could go as far murdering someone and still go to heaven. It would be rueful to say that my boyfriend made the boy feel stupid. I hope the fool will rethink about whom he is preaching to the next time he goes somewhere.

I bought a few envelopes, paper and a new sketchbook along with a very nice set of pencils at Pearl. I hope to get some drawing in sometime this week.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, July 1st, 2003

Time:11:41 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:NIGHTWISH - Walking in the Air.
Well, the birthday party didn't seem much of a twenty-first. There were only three people there so it's hard to even call it a party. There was hardly drinking going on and I drank nothing. My boyfriend and I left far earlier than anticipated (we were expecting to spend the night!) I felt a little bad for my boyfriend, he was trying to make it really fun for his friend and put a lot of money into the alcohol and food, but his friend hardly took a sip of a beer. Although we did eat most of the food!

Yesterday my boyfriend and I got digital cable in our bedroom. The cable guy was a little strange and barely spoke English. He reminded me of Mr. Bean. He kept making funny noises and poking my cat.

I'm reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck (better known for his writings Of Mice and Men and The Grapes of Wrath) at the moment. It's an extremely good book. I didn't know what to expect when I picked the book up, but it's better than I imagined. He's very profound with his works, a remarkable artist


Just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul?



Monsters are variations from the accepted normal to a greater or a less degree. As a child may be born without an arm, so one may be born without kindness or the potential of conscience. A man who loses his arms in an accident has a great struggle to adjust himself to the lack, but one born without arms suffers only from people who find him strange. Having never had arms, he cannot miss them. To a monster the norm must seem monstrous, since everyone is normal to himself. To the inner monster it must be even more obscure, since he has no visible thing to compare with others. To a man born without conscience, a soul-stricken man must seem ridiculous. To a criminal, honesty is foolish. You must not forget that a monster is only a variation, and that to a monster the norm is monstrous.


John Steinbeck
"East of Eden"



 


I'm on my way to Pearl, I'll probably spend several hours there but hopefully not several dollars. I have to take the city bus because my mother totaled my car *huffs*. At least my boyfriend is coming with me to keep me, I never traveled the city bus unaccompanied; I’d probably have a fainting fit.
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Sunday, June 29th, 2003

Subject:Death Loves the Angels.
Time:5:08 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:LYCIA - Broken Days.
Last night didn’t really go as planned. It was better than I expected, but also worse than I wanted it to be. I drank WAY too much. I lost track of myself and mixed a lot of drinks that shouldn’t have been mixed. The worst part of the night was when these two guys showed up that hate drugs and alcohol and the whole night they kept ripping on everyone and constantly making smart-ass jokes. It really irritated me, humiliated me and discomfited me. I really shouldn’t have been, I’m not an addict and it was a party. I just wanted to have a little fun, even if it was vaguely over my morals. What I couldn’t understand was why would these guys come if they knew what was going to be there was something they didn’t want to involve themselves with, and furthermore, why did they settle once they realized what we were doing? I guess some people just find it irresistible to believe their company is important.

At one point in the night I went so numb that I couldn’t move. I heard people calling my name but I was so mislaid in my thoughts that I wasn’t responsive. I felt like I was retiring into my soul and all my thoughts were ephemeral memories of my life. A profound sadness came over me so unfathomable that I began to weep. I started to panic and I could feel my heart racing. I could hear people talking about me and laughing and I never felt so shamed. My boyfriend was standing in front of me and trying to comfort me. Several times he called my name and asked me to go upstairs but I was so lost in my past reflections that I didn’t quite comprehend what he was asking. Finally I calmed down enough to have my boyfriend lead me upstairs into the bedroom. He held me, whispered secret words of comfort and reassured me. He was very kind and I realize that I know without a doubt that he cares about me passionately and with understanding. I vomited several times and gradually started feeling an improvement. My boyfriend found a ride home for us, but I had to let the person who drove us home barrow "Clean, Shaven" I'll probably never see that movie again *Sulks*. I nearly passed out the second my head was on my pillow. I woke up around eight o’clock and my head felt thick and feverish, I tried to fall back asleep by I felt the room was spiraling. Finally I vomited again and fell asleep and didn’t wake until two in the afternoon.

It was a horrific night, but I feel like I’ve exposed something indefinite to myself and I discovered a kindness in my boyfriend that I simply did not discern.

Well, tomorrow is my boyfriend’s friend’s twenty-first birthday; I’ll probably be doing this all over again, hah! I think I’ll stay way from the booze this time and just eat a few hamburgers . . .well maybe one beer will be alright.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

Subject:Paranoia
Time:4:03 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Music:THE MACHINE IN THE GARDEN - Falling Softly.
I’m going to a friends “going-away” party tonight. I don’t think I’ll really miss her. I haven’t been very close to many people lately. I’ll probably drink a bit to unwind myself and go hide somewhere with very few people. I really think I’m developing some sort of paranoia for people (strangers) and the public. On the rare occasions that I do leave the house alone, I get dizzy spells, my hands start to sweat and get clammy, my heart races and I feel close to getting an anxiety attack. When someone approaches me I feel faint, at a loss of words and paranoid. I hate being surrounded by groups of strangers all alone. This is a very good example as to why I just can’t get a job. I've applied at thirteen places and it's been a year since I've had a job. Although I applied at an Office Depot a couple weeks back and they seem interested! I went in for two interviews and they gave me a drug test. They keep telling me they will call but they don't, everyone keeps telling me to call them back but I'd feel like I was pushing myself on them and they just don't want to tell me to go away. I think they're just waiting for the background check to come in *triest to remain opptimistic* but they really do seem interested. I highly doubt my talking is what got me the job as much as it was my experience. I can hardly look someone in the eye when I’m talking to them (and this manager was extremely wall-eyed, I didn’t know which eye to look in!) I was short of breath and at a loss for words. I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought I was just some ditz and were only hiring me because I am woman. Although I am somewhat guilty of that, I wore an extremely tight shirt to maybe influence their exceptions, but what can I say! I know most men talk to the boobs, and I’d rather they do the talking than me. I really wouldn’t mind locking myself away for the rest of my life and keeping myself busy with art, movies, music and reading. It is nice to have company every now and then as long as it’s only one person that I feel very close to.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, June 27th, 2003

Subject:Dick in Drag
Time:1:06 am.
Mood: optimistic.
Music:TARA VANFLOWER - Zygote the Nothing.
I seem to be a focus for the most bizarre people on the net; this isn’t always a terrible thing bearing in mind these people are usually the most interesting. As long as they stay on the right side of the computer screen, they’re harmless.

A few weeks ago a man contacted me and said he purchased a couple gifts for me from my Amazon list, and then offhandedly mentioned that he’d like me to have a look at his “art” which he said were photographs of his penis in Barbie clothes. When I read this I was skeptical. In a way, it sounded mocking, so I replied with a somewhat sardonic remark. Later that evening a delivery truck pulls up and an Amazon box is delivered. First thing that came to mind was that this could be a coincidence. Maybe someone else purchased this for me at the same time the man contacted me, then I thought: perhaps the ‘Barbie Penis Man’ purchased this. If he was telling the truth about sending a gift, then he must be telling the truth about his “art”. I didn’t know whether to laugh or tremble, so I did both while opening the box. On the receipt for the gifts was a short message from the sender: . . .I was the one who sent you the Barbie pictures. . . In the box was a relatively expensive gift; especially from someone I don’t even know. This only further established that the man probably wasn’t kidding about the pictures. Sure enough, when I checked my mail again, he sent photographs of his penis in Barbie’s clothing. (And of course it was small, Barbie is small!) I still don’t know if this was a joke (if so, that’s a pretty expensive joke!) or if, for some ungodly reason, this guy takes pleasure in dressing his penis in Barbie clothes. Thinking over it, he didn’t stalk me and murder me (I hope he’s not in the process of planning this.) The few minutes of being shocked and reasonably disgusted was well worth the gifts. It was more a laugh than a scare.
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Blurty for Katya Diamant.

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