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Blurty for crazy little foo.
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2004 |
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he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer night, running the blade of the knife under his fingernails, smiling, thinking of all the letters he had received telling him that the way he lived and wrote about that-- it had kept them going when all seemed truly hopeless. putting the blade on the table, he flicked it with a finger and it whirled in a flashing circle under the light. who the hell is going to save me? he thought. as the knife stopped spinning the answer came: you're going to have to save yourself. still smiling, a: he lit a cigarette b: he poured another drink c: gave the blade another spin. |
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2004 |
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hooray thats all i gotta say |
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| Thursday, February 19th, 2004 |
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| caution: verbal vomit | ||||||||
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2004 |
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I love valentines day simply for the entertainment value. I find pleasure in watching people either engross themselves in misery or buy into the whole ineedanexcusetobuyabunchofshittoexpressm but i thought i would post this 'love' poem. many if not all of you will probably overlook it or not try to actually -read- it and if you chose to do so thats your loss, cause i think its sweet (awww....barf barf) She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that’s best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes: Thus mellow’d to that tender light Which heaven to gaudy day denies. One shade the more, one ray the less, Had half impair’d the nameless grace Which waves in every raven tress, Or softly lightens o’er her face; Where thoughts serenely sweet express How pure, how dear their dwelling-place. And on that cheek, and o’er that brow, So soft, so calm, yet eloquent, The smiles that win, the tints that glow, But tell of days in goodness spent, A mind at peace with all below, A heart whose love is innocent! -George Gordon Byron, Lord Byron- |
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2004 |
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I heard Moby on the radio last night. He said something like "great things come when you enjoy the process but have no idea what you're doing". This is my life. Silly Moby thought he was only describing musical innovation. I am enjoying the way I operate but I have no fucking clue how (if you follow). happy but unaware...i think. My grandfather had 12-hour surgery yesterday to correct the malfunctions of his radiation treatment for prostate cancer. Everything went fine but now he has to lie on his stomach for 2 weeks without moving. tough. My dad is getting laid-off again and will be completely job-less here in a few weeks, but this time without receiving unemployment. I got to San Jose in March and Hawaii this summer. hell yes! i think all of my interests in my info disappeared. odd |
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| Saturday, February 7th, 2004 |
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I am so amazingly satisfied with and delighted by my life right now. If feel as though i may wear a terminal smile and its damn good. (difficult to describe) And although I am sick, the days seem to flow, devoid of worry and self-scorn. Oh yes, and I've got a new picture (again). I think my glee has turned me a bit more vain, its kind of sick. (even thought my nose does appear to be crooked). |
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004 |
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Just sitting here killing time Supposedly I am grounded (nobodys fault but my own), but who the hell knows, I sure dont. For the moment I'm at my dads and there's a nice little blizzard up here. Oh, and just a note: if I disappear from los alamos within the next year you can guess where i'm at, cause i've gotten too many tempting suggestions and invitations within the last few hours. Shit, I love it here. ok blah blah blah i've completed my aimless post |
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| Saturday, January 24th, 2004 |
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 Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You? Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons The first time i took that ^ my results showed that I was goth or satanist or mormon, so of course i went back and retook it. I'd really like to live in New England or somewhere in the whereabouts thats delightfully moist and green. The scenery here has gotten so tiring. |
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004 |
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I love the snow, minus the sunshine. Got new digital camera today and i spent the afternoon playing with it. (note: the new picture) Yea its backlit and its kind of fucked up even though i manipulated the hell out of it. Oh well. It is kind of creepy to see my big ass face there but the little sun flares are kind of exciting and almost make me could you say...angelic?? My mom is having a "candle party" tonight. I shouldnt complain too much about the throng of middle-aged women that have invaded our house since she made a bunch of food: cookies brownies, pot stickers, queso, yuhhhm. Gonna go get me some of that.. |
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| Tuesday, January 20th, 2004 |
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Today was far better than i had expected it to be. I enjoyed the company of a few very compassionate people. I like not having to guess when a person cares, because when left to my own assumptions i can create some pretty ugly outcomes. It seems as though my lifelong fear of inadequacy has kept me from reaching so many things and really puts a damper on every relationship I have. What a wonderful revelation. |
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| Sunday, January 18th, 2004 |
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Well this is just fucking fabulous. Piercing pain in my chest has returned. Probably going back to the docotor. I conforonted my mom about some long-standing issues this afternoon, and although that was somewhat releiving, i really dont think she understands what i was trying to tell her. I dont think she realizes she has caused so much sub-concious physcological trauma for me over that past 15+ years. I didnt realize it either until i had it recently pointed out to me. And since this revelation interaction with her has gotten a lot more difficult. I hate being the source of anger, sadness and frustration for people, especially those i care about sooo much. I hate feeling like a burden. I have lapsed back into this "i really hate myself" state of mind. And spending time alone with someone you hate is terribly unpleasant. So, if ANYONE would like to help me escape my mind for a while, i just dont think words can express how grateful i would be. please. |
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| Sunday, January 11th, 2004 |
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My swirling wants. Your frozen lips. The grammar turned and attacked me. Themes, written under duress. Emptiness of the notations. They gave me a drug that slowed the healing of wounds. I want you to see this before I leave: the experience of repetition as death the failure of criticism to locate the pain the poster in the bus that said: my bleeding is under control A red plant in a cemetary of plastic wreaths. A last attempt: the language is a dialect called metaphor. These images go unglossed: hair, glacier, flashlight. When I think of a landscape I am thinking of a time. When I talk of taking a trip I mean forever. I could say: those mountains have a meaning but further than that I could not say. To do something very common, in my own way. i love it. thought i would share it. hope you enjoyed it. |
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2004 |
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 Your Duran Duran! your one of those "beautiful people" Marilyn Manson talks about. your popular and good looking and cool under presure. but dont let this decive you, underneath your a WILD BOY (or girl)! ***What 80's band are you?*** brought to you by Quizilla yea..right |
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| Wednesday, December 31st, 2003 |
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Yesterday, a guy here in Durango gave me a bit of advice. Some advice he obviously valued since he gave it to me neatly printed on glossy paper in a frame with a stand. I was instructed to keep it somewhere where I "would look at it every once in a while". And me, being the careless person that I am let it become dirty and mangled. Although I have rendered the card itself useless I have kept the message, and would like to share it with you all. (Note: very corny) Watch your thoughts because they become your words Watch your words because they become your actions Watch your actions because they become your habits Watch your habits because they become your character Watch your character because it becomes your life yea, well, i thought it was nice |
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| Sunday, December 28th, 2003 |
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hmmm... last time i took it i was hunny bunny (crazy bitch in diner) but yea anytime is a good time for pie |
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| Monday, December 22nd, 2003 |
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.. and it doesnt have that dangerous beak Tomorrow I leave for the rest of the break. And wherever i end up im sure to find some jolly good drunken times with the other half of my family. I get to see my brother whom i have not seen since may.. i think. At thanksgiving my aunt said " National Lampoon has nothing on this family", and she was pointing out the rediculousness of the other side of my family. And the people im seeing this week are just as bad, if not worse, especially concentrated into one little house. Me and my dad, cameras in had, should catch something remarkable. I celebrate "christmas" with my mom today, which should be interesting since this everything shes done this season is something to laugh hysterically about. Ok maybe not hysterically, but at least roll your eyes and smile. Since my wish list was almost completely formulated by her my gift should be a note-worthy one. |
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| Sunday, December 7th, 2003 |
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I have a new picture, in place of the old one where i looked incredibly pissed off and right out bad. I hope this new one is only temporary cause its not that great either. I have no pictures (in my posession) that i genuinely like so this will have to suffice. In other news... report card came home the other day and after some deliberation we have decided that many changes must be made. One of them is that less time be spent/wasted on the computer. This means that if you feel that you need to talk to me a telephone would be the best device to do so. Ok well i musnt 'waste' any more time.. |
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2003 |
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 you are a pretentious indie asshole. you piss off everybody but other pretentious indie assholes. you suck extremely hard and only listen to stuff on pitchfork media. fuck you. what type of lame scenester are you? brought to you by Quizilla I had really hoped to have more fun is this town, but its apparently not too exciting since i'm doing what i could be doing just as well at home. Oh well. I leave tomorrow afternoon. |
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| Tuesday, November 25th, 2003 |
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So my body decided that its gonna let me digest food now. So.. yay to that. I also went to bed at about 8 last night and got oodles of needed sleep, so today was a relatively good day.I go to vegas tomorrow (for those of you whom i have not already told a bazillion and two times). I did come across some potentially upsetting news yesterday, though. I dont want to say too much cause it could be nothing, i could have just taken the information and worried it into something that its not. We shall just have to wait and see. im off to pack.. |
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| Friday, November 21st, 2003 |
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So this was the plan: wake up at three, pack, study, and get some work done. Ha! thats not happening. I am screwing myself over, again. I cant just sit down and get any work done. A few days ago my mom was making excuses for me. She was aksing if she needed to call anybody and explain to them that I was 'sick' because i had accomplished nothing that day. Now i have no excuse i cant just say 'hey well i felt like being a lazy ass you wanna give me another day?'. I hate to admit this but I did find some comfort in being irresponsible. In my life my careless actions have never brought some noteworthy consequences, but i now feel that im getting to the point where something is going to happen. I am going to get into some deep shit and just worsen my situation. And its not like my 'situtaion' is that bad. I am not half as fucked up as the rest of my family. But if you're reading this you know how much i complain... uh huh thats right all the fucking time! I did this emdr (an acronym for some very big words) exercise on tuesday. It was pretty wild. I had these sensors in each palm and headphones that sent simultaneous signals to each side with the noises in the headphones. I was 'trying to create an image'. This was supposed to help us what was going on up there in that crazy little mind of mine and reinforce positive thought. I can think positive until the weekend officially comes. I'm going to some shows and I was also promised a kick-ass art exhibit. So hooray to that. And hooray to big woo too ;). |
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Blurty for crazy little foo.
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impressed.
mellow.
bouncy.
anxious.
blank.
rushed.
indescribable.
groggy.
curious.
determined.
cold.
contemplative.