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I FEEL SICK [12 Jun 2006|10:01pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | faucet dripping ] i feel sick, really. today i went to the hearing and i signed a paper that said i would not do drugs. then i went to the mall and there was azrail and nic jolly. i had called azrail earlier and he was asleep so i let him go. i hoped he would call when he woke up but i know he was just waiting for nic to call him so he could go do some drugs or something. he didnt look happy to see me and he didnt say that he loves me when I said i love him...maybe thats just overreacting but i just hate this. in my gut I feel that he is going to break up with me. i was such a wreck today candy

in love with a silly boy [12 Jun 2006|01:35pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | the beatles-sexy sadie ] I am in love with such a silly, careless, selfish boy. sure, he is great, but heis so fucking selfish it is crazy. he used to act like he really cared for me but as time passed it became clear that he was just tryin to be a "good boyfriend" well, what do I expect from someone so much younger than me? i used to think that age didnt matter but it does. now that i am out of highschool and he is just begining it makes me wonder if i should dump him and go for someone my age, someone that has a job, a car, and more respect for my feelings. someone that realises that girls are crazy....someone who can and will put up with my mood swings. but then i remember, I LOVE HIM. I do. i just keep hoping he will change and its not fair to want someone to change. i should jsut take him how he is. but i wish he would have a little more consideration for me. he never calls me and sometimes it seems like he only wants to chill with me because his other plans fell through. sometimes when he is around a certain group of people he will just ignore me and leave me to sit all alone because i dont know anyone and he knows I am unbelievably shy. but when he holds me I feel so good. and he makes me feel so pretty and we have alot of fun together. though lately it seems like my sensitivity is pushing him away. So i decided to re-evaluate the way i act around him. Im going to try...try to be upbeat. try not to show him that he makes me sad. try to not take it personally when he would rather go to a party than just spend the night with me. try to understand that just because he is my world doesnt mean im his. some things he says I take to literally. i started off this relationship with my guard up but i let it drop when he told me he is in love with me. well im going to build it back up. ill stick with no matter what even though the thoughts of leaving him come across my mind alot. candy

slowly unfurling [08 Jun 2006|05:49pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | I think im going insane-daisy chainsaw ] im unnraveling and going down. way down. I wish I didn't do this to every boyfriend I have ever had. this thing where I push them away and do things that make me change and change into this jealous monster. i need to step back and chill the fuck out. I need to realise that if I dont I will lose Azrail if I didn't already. I need to act like I did before; sweet, laidback, funny, and understanding. i was doing so good. but now im in this big giant mess, my heads in a knot. well tomorrow is my last day of highschool. crazy. now what am i supposed to do? ill just work on winning azrail back before its too late. starting now everything I do and say around him will be perfectly planned out so I can be sure I am acting the way I should. when he calls me or if he calls me I need to sound happy to hear him, which i know i will be but i have this habit of trying to make him think i dont care just incase he doesnt care. its just a game and I dont like them. why do i play so many if i dont like them? ugh. I just cant get out of this pit of selfdestruction. anyways. i better go so i can have a cigg before the bus gets here. candy

oh dear [16 Mar 2006|12:04pm] Oh my. Things are, bad. I have so many bad guilt trips. i am just fuckered. Azrail is still in Cali I never really talk to him. I have been cheating on him with ricky and I need to end that but I really dont know how everytime I do he completely just loses it and i dont know wht to do except make him happy but making him happy makes me feel sick and guilty and miss the days when azrail was here. ive been doing alot of coke, all my money goes to it. I dont know why I mean its not that good of a high but I really like the high i dont know. see how much i write about what i dont know about? jeez. I wore a skirt today, I used to wear skirts everyday but i felt so uncomfortable in it i had to go home. im so ugly and gross and I just want some baggy clothes tht will cover me up completely. so much going on but im too lazy to write. candy

dunnndun [14 Feb 2006|07:06pm] Azrail is comming back he left today I think. Im talking to alex he is so interesting I wish I had more to say to him i cant wait to see az. candy

gaset anw3ta w4 [07 Feb 2006|06:57pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | some jazz ] Oh dear oh fuck I am so bored. Now that flippy is gone life is sooo fucking dull all i really wanna do is get high, cuddle, and fuckin talk, chill,,,,cuddle!! kisses!!!! Oh I miss his sweet soft kisses. And his hugs, and his arms around me, and when he looks at me and I can tell he loves me in his fucking gorgeous brown eyes..he said he iscomming back asap. but where is gonna stay?? oh. I misshim. candy

humas [05 Feb 2006|06:18pm] I've been writing in this blog for like 4 years. I used to have a few people who read it but nobody does anymore. All of the blogs I read the person has stopped writing.I miss them, but really if I think about it they dont miss me, so why miss them? I feel sick, alot, all the time. Sick and Tired. What the fuck am I going to be like when I am on my own I wonder. I dont want to be a lowlife. i just want to live. comfortably. I am sick of going to school, the people there are starting to creep me out anyways. all they talk about is drugs or games. Its so fucking boring. But I guess I am being hypocritical because I just dont have anything to talk about so I dont. I think it would be so hard to be mute. I wish I had the wilpower. candy

fucking [30 Jan 2006|05:58pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Wound-Mark Ryden cd ] I fucking love Azrail, and he fucking loves me. Everything was so perfect and then he called and told me that he is moving to California, right now. I got instantly sick//cold. The past week he ran away and was staying with me. It was so perfect, we would snuggle before we did anything and we are so in love. We just like to lay there and look at eachother, but I cant look at him without kissing him♥. But now hes gone. When I asked him when he was comming back he said, "maybe a year, maybe a week." .......!>>>>>what the fuck am I going to do. candy

You don't even know me, not at all [23 Jan 2006|06:54pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Rasputina-A Quitter ] So, he is running away to seattle. I will miss him so much and I just know he will find someone better, seattle has lots of pretty girls :( He wants me to go with him oh I wish. I don't know what i'm going to do without him :(:( candy

all alone [16 Jan 2006|10:51am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | primus-frizzle fry ] Lately I have been hanging out downtown meeting street kids and smoking pot. its really fun because I like those kind of people they are chill. On friday I was supposed to meet up with Azrail at like 12:00 am because he is grounded and was gonna sneak out and chill with me but I went home because at like 11:00 everyone was gone and i didnt wanna be alone downtown at night. I got fucking molested when I got off at my bus stop by some drunken creep that I smoked bowls with in the summer. that was horrible. then I guess Az snuck out and wandered the streets looking for me. his mom called me at like 2:30 looking for him. he got caught sneaking back in and now is grounded forever so him and his sister decided that they are going to run away to seattle and just leave me here. I was going to pretend like i was his sisters friend named ami last night so I could spend the night with him but my mom made me stay at home so I just slept/ I miss him and I really hope he isnt mad at me for not going out on friday. I havent got to talk to him at all since friday. but he is so sweet he came to this stupid con at school to keep me company even though he was out of school for the day. I just likelikelike him but if he leaves I will never see him again. I really dont want him to leave he is what I always wanted. It looks so fucking cute, he pierced his lip and his eyebrow and is dreading his hair. oh wow I couldnt believe that he could get even cuter. my favorite day was when we were at my home watching requiem for a dream smoking bowls/ then we held both hands and kissed/slept. It was so wonderful. It made me so fucking happy. Man i adore that boy. AZRAIL+MIA. hehe. I love it. how could he ever think that I am good enough for him??? I mis him i just spend the whole time away from him thinking about him. candy

ok [04 Jan 2006|09:50pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | primus-progessor nuterbutter's house of treats ] OKAY today was ok. rolled around town with some boys from school (Azrail wasn't with us ) it was okay, they are pretty fuckin funny. when I came back to school at lunch I was so thrilled to see Azrail was still there. I justs got so giddy when I saw him I couldn't really think of anything to talk about so I think he got bored and then he was just talking to his sister...so i went inside and then I didn't see him again.;it made me sad that I didn't get to really see him or even just hug him. oh well I mean I can see him tomorrow. I liked thinking about him all day. at work jon came by and annoyed the fuck out of me. I wish it was flippy instead. candy

hes back [03 Jan 2006|08:48pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | none, its really quiet ] Flippy is back and today was really kinda fun. We snorted about 5 Hydros and then went to the bead store.,.,then back to school to pick up nick jolly then to nicks home.,.,we cuddled and kissed(oh man his kisses are so sweet) he makes me feel so giddy. and then we went to hastings, the mall,,,then he left and I went to my dads to work for a couple hourse since I owe my mom money. Flippy told me i'm perfect,,,I think we are perfect together, he's not all serious ""I love you lets spend the rest of our lives together...."" that kind of shit is suck a turnoff. I just want to live and right now I just want to think about Azrail,,,be with him,,,be with friends, family, be INTOXICATED..have fun right? yes. fuck life I already know how its gonna end. candy

oh [02 Jan 2006|01:06pm] he isnt back yet I miss him tons! candy

ok [27 Dec 2005|10:50am] I have a crush on a girl.....and its cute. But I still like Flippy.....ALOT. and he is comming back tommorow, I hope. oh I hope he was ok and had fun and brought back drugs to do with me...I never want to have sex with him. candy

it doesn't seem right, [21 Dec 2005|10:41pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | swallow-korn ] Azrail is going to California for a week. I am going to miss him. today we went to the mall which was boring but then we went to nic jolly's home and cuddled/kissed on his waterbed. Oh. Azrail is going to be doing stupid drugs...crack,crank,dope,.,;,.,but he is going to bring back some other shit too,,,,shrooms I hope. I will only do them if he is with me. He is so darling. he says he likes me alotalot...i'm his "favorite person" but I mean these days I really have a hard time believing people when they talk like that. but I really like him and he also told me he likes me more than drugs...which is good it makes me feel better because he is always wanting drugs so that must mean he wants me all the time hehe. No all we have done is kissed...he is such a sweet kisser. and cuddled. oh I love cuddling with him. I never want to have sex because I am too gross and he is too beautiful it would be horrible. Man o man I like him. I will miss him....oh he is so sweet. oh. 1 ♥strangers with| candy

also [10 Dec 2005|01:48pm] i am so bored i cant do anything to keep my mind off of him what am i going to do huff gasoline? i dont know but i am freaking out. i mean what do i do i am just sitting here waiting for him to call me back or something because we were supposed to do shrooms tonight but then i think maybe i am creeping him out and he doesnt want to talk to me. sydney is supposed to come over but i am gonna be all down and bore her. candy

[10 Dec 2005|01:45pm] im so stupid what am i doing trying to date a 14 year old i am a pedefile i just like him so much i cant help it. his mom told me that she doesnt want me to talkto him and so i hung up and he never called me backso i freaked out. I mean I am creepy. I mean, why do i like a 14 year old? he keeps making me so sad i dont know what i am doing. i just really want to get high right now. candy

oh fuck [08 Dec 2005|04:46pm] [ mood | rejected ] [ music | Requiem For A Dream-Summer Overture ] So Azrail didn't go to school and of course I spent the whole day looking for him. Looking out the door whenever someone walks by, walking by his class everychance I got. Skimming the hall always. damn I am pathetic. Yesterday he didn't even act like he liked me and it made me feel so high when he told me he did. I called him but he didn't want to talk I could tell. ugh. I feel like shit. like so dumb. I cant believe how dumb I am and I was crying and i just dont know what im doing. omg. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up and dream that he loves me...or just likes me...iono. candy

IDK [07 Dec 2005|06:03pm] I don't know what i am doing what am I doing? I dont know. I am freaking dumb, and fuck. and i dont know what im doing, what am I doing? crying over boys? what am I doing I don't understand. Oh I wish he would call. Just to say hi, thats all. I dont care I just want to know he thinks about me at least once in a while. candy

right on [29 Nov 2005|07:07pm] [ mood | fat. ] [ music | scarling- baby dracula ] oh no candy

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