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Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
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10:09a
i need to start doing something different and fast. i need to take these tools ive been given and fucking put them to use and start making a better faster positive turn around before its too late. i feel so abused and so beat down in the ground im gonna need some help being pulled out so unfortunately i cannot do this on my own. im mentally and physically just shot. i need some rejuvenation and the kind i really want and need is so beyond unreachable right now, which is alittle frustrating but i cant work with what i got. i need people to start looking at me in a different light. i know thats only going to change by me and only me, but i think the people that already have these prejudgment's against me will never change their ways, thinking i cant change, thus making it almost seem pointless & impossible to even want to strive and change myself. but im going to. i just gotta get mentally motivated which for me sometimes seems down right impossible. but its not and i know this and i do plan on accomplishing this task. i just feel like a big joke. i big fucking problem. nobody takes me seriously, i feel fake. i feel like people dont really like me for me, they like me cuz in a weird sense they fucking have to. i dunno man. maybe im the one over analyzing and over thinking but thats just how it feels sometimes. i feel stupid, a fucking idiot. maybe get all these negative words out now and come the next day work to remove them completely from my dictionary.
i also have a bit of catch 22 situation here. i want to say something but then i dont because that will just result in arguments that don't need to be had and etc. something was said to me the other day that hurt and stung like hell. the statement wasn't all necessarily true & fact but yes 'most of it was in a sense. now i know im an emotional person, not fragile as i was before in my life but yeah just emotional now, it doesnt mean it makes this person right and fair for saying what they said the way they said it. its no consideration and respect it feels like to me. i mean yeah you gotta be honest and say what you need and want to say but choice of words makes a big difference, trust me i know this first hand obviously. its just such a sensitive subject for me and yet it gets slapped my in the face making me feel like im not allowed to feel the way i do and think the way i think. honestly its not that absurd and lets recount the last time i made it a big fucking issue............yeah its been awhile. i dont mean to insult and further discuss this. its over and im moving on.
feeling better getting this off my chest. its not like i was hiding nething, i just had to rack in my brain the right way to say and word my feelings and thoughts. i think this was pretty good.
going to meet the mister now.
i wish the sunshine was out.....
(comment on this)
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