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Saturday, April 16th, 2005
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5:19 pm
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matts home matts home matts home matts home... gone over to his place :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
talk to you all in a few days :):):......Vickie
current mood:  happy
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| Friday, April 15th, 2005
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1:08 am
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Once again today I ate way too much.. I guess I am nervous about Matt comming home.... I ate a tv dinner, steak with veggies and noodles, choclate milk, orange juice, grapes and watermelon. plus the yogurt I have to take with my antibiotics. I feel sooooo bloated and gross right now, but I refuse to purge because I know Matt wouldn't want me to. They are all leaving tomorrow or well technically today at 6pm to catch the ferry home at 11:30pm tonight.. they should be back in St.John's around 6pm Saturday night. I can't wait for him to be here. I worked today and made no money which compleatly sucks. I have to work again in the morning and hopfully I do make something. I have to call Matt back in 15 minutes...heheheeh he is sooo drunk right now. Apparently there are about 10 cars of the hillview boys all leaving together tomorrow, so they are all comming home together. Well I am going to go call him back so good night all ....sweet dreams.....luvs you all, Vickie
current mood:  anxious
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| Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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10:32 pm
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Today I did my taxes, gave blood, ate way too much...sandwich, 2 hot pockets, 5 cookies, orange juice and 2 glasses of choclate milk...thats disgusting .... and i went shopping and watched some movies...well season 6 and 7 of stargate...hehehe I am such a dork and then I was talking to Matt..................he will be home Saturday..............2and 1/2 days............. I cannot wait to see him :):):):):):):):):):):):)
He is my Stanley......lol....I mean Matt... yea...Matt.......hehehehehe
current mood:  full
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| Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
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4:56 am
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i still cant sleep. once again its 5 am and i have to get up in 5.5hours to go to work and i cant take this anymore. i need matt to be here.. i need to see him. i need to make the pain stop... i cannot stop crying. i am damaged...physically, mentally, spirtually... is anyone ever going to be able to fix me???
Ive broken my own heart, made myself bleed and in a single breath i have prayed to god and cursed his name.
People have actually told me that i have balls for telling him...others have said that i should have never said anything and there are those who say that i am beating myself up more then i should b/c its making me sick... To them i say that I love this man with all my being and even though I really fucked up, which I admit, I truely believe that Matt is the one for me. And in believing that there is no way I could or would have kept this from him.............My only worry is that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. I hope he does. I love waking up next to him... I love it when while sleeping he seems to find a way to make sure his head is resting on my neck, at least one leg if not both and one arm are on top of me and he snores in my ear. But I wouldnt trade it for the world. He makes me feel alive, happy and loved. He is a genuinly good and honest person.... I dont care what anyone else thinks but I feel that I am a compleatly horrible person for doing what I did and no one can tell me otherwise. I should try to sleep even though I doubt I will so night night......Vickie
current mood:  lonely
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| Monday, April 11th, 2005
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6:21 pm
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so yea i didnt go to bed until 6 am again... oh well i tried to sleep...bah who cares........ so not in a good mood right now.. i just got an email from a guy who raped me about 2 years ago... i wish he would leave me alone... i didnt need that being brought back up right now... i fucken hate him and wish he would leave me alone. its cold and raining out so its a miserable day which goes perfectly with my mind set right now..........fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfucklfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.. why wont he leave me alone..??? i want him to go away.
current mood:  distressed
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12:34 am
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so my brother is going to print off my resumes for me tomorrow so i ca go look for another job.. i have to stop decieving matt by telling him im the secretary.. i have to change.. so i cant wait till saturday... i cant wait to see him........................................... :):):):):):):):):):):) i was talking to matt and im pretty sure he doesnt remember our annaversery.. if he doesnt then its ok.work wasnt too bad and i ate today without purging so overall today was good... well got to go i have work in the morning and i want to actually sleep tonight.
current mood:  content
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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4:52 am
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I can't sleep...I'm nautious....and I did end up purging. I'm sooo cold and very depressed. I'm afraid of whats going to happen when Matt comes back. I cannot stop crying. I am scared to death. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I screwed up really really bad. I can't lose him. I feel like I want to cut but I refuse to give in for him. I feel terrible that I did it last week and I'm praying the cuts are healed before he comes back. I always have and I'm starting to believe always will be a royal f**k up...................I am lost... My body is compleatly numb.......... I do not know what to do.........For once in my life I am compleatly lost and lonley and scared and sick and cold and tired, but unable to sleep and realizing that I am never going to amount to anything and no one will ever be able to love me. Yea right now I think I may be just a little suicidal but I won't do anything... I don't think I will.
I should go to bed but I can't sleep.... I have to get up in 5 and a half hours to go work a 12 hour work day.
I just wish all this pain would go away... I wish it had never happened... unfortunatly I cannot turn back time.
I feel like shit and it is all my fault................ This is my heart bleeding before you ...this is me down on my knees...I am far from perfect..................................................I'm sorry is the story of my life.
current mood: sick.tired.cold.lonley.lost
current music: Look what you've done/Jet
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| Saturday, April 9th, 2005
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10:00 pm
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so today.... well i dont know i mean it wasnt a bad day. i went out and bought some grocerys and actually ate somthing without purging afterwards. i rented a few movies, im doing laundry and matt gets home next saturday... it hurts more now then ever. what i did that is. i mean right now its easy to forget it but when matt gets back it will be compleatly differant and i know it. he wont talk about ti over the phone and i know it is better to talk face to face but, i cant bare to look into his eyes and see all the pain that i have caused. its already breaking my heart. i have to work a double shift tomorrow which will be oh so much fun....NOT. comming up i have 2 doctor appointments and i have to go give blood and do my taxes.. not to mention that our 1 year is comming up. i have work constantly plus i have a few other things to do... this all sucks and i just want matt here so i can hold him... and tell him i love him and that im soooo sorry for fucking up and hurting him. i want all of this to go away and i wish that it had never happened...i want to scream... i want to cry............... i just dont want to be like this. I just want him to tell me that he loves me and that everything will be alright but i know that will never happen, im a fool to think that it ever would.
Im not perfect, I never said I was......My heart is breaking ...Im dying inside and there is nothing that i can do about it.
current mood:  depressed
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2:01 am
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so anyways i just got home from downtown and im really drunk...lol i dont think i care about a whole lot right now i just wish matt was home.. i love him sooooooooo much and all i want is to see his face... got to go to bed so good night all
current mood:  drunk
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| Friday, April 8th, 2005
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12:11 am
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So I am sitting here half awake, half asleep... Cory woke me up when he came home from the base b/c I was sleeping on the chair in the living room again. I ate today and i think it was way more then I should have. I was nautious and thats why I slept.. I was talking to Matt and today was the last day of his course so he is very happy. I think he just wants to come back now. I was talking to Dana earlier and I know that all Mike wants to do is come home. They are driving home next friday. I took next sunday off so that I can spend time with him. Next week I aslo have an appointment with Dr. Dominic and Dr. Mekawy... woo hoo I have all the god damn doctors... I also have to go give blood, do my taxes and change up all my money. Yup I have the life...Not. My sleep is still the same so maybe I can at least get back on the sleeping pills..it would be nice. I have work in the morning but I do believe that Mary is comming out tomorrow so we can go play pool and have a few drinks.. If we end up going dancing then I figure Etomic or Sundance.. I have bad luck with the other clubs downtown. My aunt Esther is apparently comming down next weekend from Toronto.. I think she is staying with us.. all I have to say is that is when Matt is comming home so she wont be seeing alot of me. Hmmm.... I cant wait for him to come back... to touch him, smell him....see him... I just want to be in his presence. Well anyways Im going to go try to go back to sleep considering that I do have work in the morning. So night night all and talk to you all later... Vickie
current mood:  peaceful
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| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
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7:53 pm - ANY SUGGESTIONS PLEASE!!!!!!
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work was annoying, i finally finished writing out all my poetry from over the years. i ate and then purged, i tried to keep it down but i couldnt. Now waiting....just wait for matt to call. I am still so sad... this is from one of my friends posts but i like it and it describes me perfectly right now so I am going to post it here as well.... Tired of trying, sick of crying. Yea, I’m smiling,.but inside I’m dying... yea i dont have work tomorrow thank god...
Hey I need suggestions PLEASE!!! ok i know that right now matt and i are on shaky terms but our 1 year annaversery is in 26 days... im trying to figure out what to do.. i need something special, somthing to show him how special he is to me... i was thinking dinner at rumpilstilskins or the battery hotel... im not sure if im goingt o get a room or not... and whether we wil see a movie or not... if already added it up to aprox $500... its worth it...he is definitly worth it. so im still not compleatly sure exactly what to do so if anyone has any suggestions they would be greatly appreciated.. Thanks all...ttfn, Vickie
current mood:  contemplative
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12:57 am
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I was talking to Matt... apparently they finish their course on Thursday and they leave to come home next friday.... I just wonder if anyone understands what all of this feels like because right now I feel so alone. Im not perfect...I never said I was.. Im dying inside and I dont know what to do
current mood:  tired
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| Monday, April 4th, 2005
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8:34 pm
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So I just woke up about 45 minutes ago and I still have no energy. I can barely move. This is ridiclous.... I don't know what the f**k to be at. I mean I can't function properly, I try to eat and it makes me sick...I just ate a cup of spagetti and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I just slept for about 11 hours and I still feel as if I could go back to sleep. Once again I didn't go to work today... I have to go tomorrow because it's just me working the day shift. I hate missing work but I cannot be like this... I don't know what to do .............................................
...........................................................Theres nothing left for me to do. I have tried and failed and now I just have to wait. I can do no more...........................Vickie
current mood:  listless
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4:03 am
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I've said all there is to say.
I love Matt with all my heart and it's killing me.
I'm dying inside and I don't know what to do.
Maybe this is the end for me.....if it doesn't work out I know it is.
current mood: broken hearted/dying inside
current music: Foolish Games/Jewel
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| Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
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11:29 pm
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so last night my quitting of drugs was interupted... balh never ever again.... i miss matt so much...only 11 days until he comes back.. i just want to hold him... i just want to be in his arms... i love him so much and all of this still hurts like hell... i still feel like a terrible person... feel like----i am a terrible person..... i dont know what to do to make this better... he says its not the end of the world but it sure feels like it to me.... well night all ....hope you all are doing better then me.., Vickie
current mood:  drained
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| Friday, April 1st, 2005
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8:41 pm
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so matt called late last night and told me i had to cheer up and that this wasnt the end of the world and then yelled at me to eat something... i went to work today and it didnt kill me... my cramps are though... anyways im in a....well not happy mood but im definitly a bit higher then blah... im good... ok gone to watch movies..night all
current mood:  good
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3:52 am
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i think i might be at a semi good place right now... i still have to put alot of work into this relationship but at the same time im not depressed and hurting myself. but i think overall this may have been a good thing. it will make us stronger in the end... and it shows me how much i truely love this man with all my heart... i may only be 20 but i can imagine myself being with him for the rest of my life... for once in my life i love someone who loves me for me and that includes all my faults... good night everyone........sweet dreams.
current mood: content
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12:03 am
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De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine:
Domine, exaudi vocem meam:
Fiant aures tuae intendentes,
in vocem deprecationis meae.
Si iniquitates observaveris, Domine:
Domine, quis sustinebit?
Quia apud te propitiatio est:
et propter legem tuam sustinui te, Domine.
Sustinuit anima mea in verbo eius:
speravit anima mea in Domino.
A custodia matutina usque ad noctem:
speret Israel in Domino.
Quia apud Dominum misericordia:
et copiosa apud eum redemptio.
Et ipse redimet Israel,
ex omnibus iniquitatibus eius.
Gloria Patri, et Filio,
et Spiritui Sancto.
Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper,
et in saecula saeculorum. Amen.
If you want the english just message me
*i talked tomatt.. he told me i had to cheer up and that it wasnt the end of the world and then he yelled at me to eat somthing.............if only he could tell me that he loves me.
current mood:  crushed
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| Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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8:44 pm
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i know i update alot but theres alot on my mind....
its happened before, its happened again... i close all the doors before i get in... everything i do seems to turn out in a mess but its not because i havent tried my best... at least no one can say i didnt try... i gave it all i had now whats left is just good bye... i'll do the best i can until the day i die but at least no one can say i didnt try...... i'll find a place where i dont do anything wrong... sometime, somehow, somewhere i'll find where i belong... doesnt have to be fancy, doesnt have to be grand... just a place where i know i can lend a hand.... at least no one can say i didnt try... i gave it all i had now whats left is just goodbye... i'll do the best i can until the day i die but at least no one can say i didnt try..
i love that song...ive know it since i was 3...it describes me well
i look at myself in the mirror
my reflection looks like a stranger
i see my past creeping up behind me
a past that seems to linger
i think about what ive done
i think of how i feel
i wonder is its all fantasy
or could this be for real
my mind is batteling with my heart
i can no longer comprehend
i look down at my shaking hands
could this be the end
my face is wet in my reflection
i cant understand what caused all these tears
all the pain that i have felt
has been bottled up for years
theres no one here to talk to
no one who feels the same
i look in the mirror
and i take all the blame
my actions can no longer be justified
i cannot find another lie
so with my broken heart
i choose to lay here and die
i see my life before me
i seem to regret so much
the pain is peircing through my body
when will it be enough
i lie down shaking
and whisper my goodbyes
and as no suprise when i look up
theres no one to watch me die.
current mood: depressed
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7:37 pm
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this is the email i sent to matt... i dont know if he has read it yet but i still havent heard from him.......
I don't expect you to forgive me, but I am so sorry for what I've done. Whether you believe me or not what I wrote to you earlier was the truth. I know you said that you want to forget it but I will leave it at this. I know I have alot to do before you can trust me again, I understand that, but we can't forget about it. I know that right now neither of us knows what to say, but adventually we do have to talk. I know you need time to hate me and you have every right to. Right now i wish I could make this all go away, I wish that I could take away all the pain you have.....I wish it had never happened, I don't know what you want me to do, I can't turn back time.
Despite my pathetic way of showing it I do love you with all my heart. I knew it long before we spoke the words to each other, you make me happy. Genuinley happy to be alive and .................and I know that even as you are reading this you don't believe a word of what I am saying. I can't make you believe me.. but I can still let you know how I feel about you.
xox -Vickie
current mood: depressed
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