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veritasfox

[ website | My Website ]
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I HATE BLURTY... [21 Mar 2004|06:13pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | good-bye - michelle branch ]

...It's become so impossibly SLOW that I can't update or read my friend's page without trying to d/l the same page like five times. and this is at all hours of the day - not just peak 5-9pm. soooo....

i've decided not to write here anymore. well at least take an extended break. i have been wanting to do this for quite some time but was sticking around for sentimental reasons. sticking around for the reason i started here in the first place. but i'm not that girl and i don't need it anymore. i'm moving on.

of course, this doesn't mean i want to lose touch with all you friends. so i will leave this journal open and drop in when i have the time to sit and wait half an hour for one page to load.

those of you that would like to keep in more regular touch, email me at veritasfox@yahoo.ca and i will let you in on my new hang-out. *wink,wink*

12 comments|post comment

go lick a... [20 Mar 2004|10:19pm]
[ mood | if i only had an answer... ]
[ music | have a little faith in me - john hiatt ]

i've been trying for days to write a normal "dear diary" type of entry where i talk about my day and what i did with it... only lately my daily events just haven't seemed very important. i'll give it a shot. i woke at 9am, wasted time on the computer before recieving a call from S* who was in town with her brand-new car. she started the conversation by congratulating me on my front page picture and story in the paper last week - that felt good. she came over for a couple hours to show me the car. i'm jealous. no easy way to put that. she has the car i wanted to lease last year, only my credit rating won't let me. her and her common-law are leasing it together. it's like the first big step for them other than living together... they've been doing that for years. i find myself growing more and more emotionally stunted. my lack of anything close to a real-relationship and my seemingly infinate tie to home. i'm too old for this, sneaks into my mind far more than it should. the real highlight of my day though *rolls eyes* was going out with mom and finding two ceramic cat dishes for my kitten that has yet to exist. still no kittens for sale/adoption anywhere. i'm told it will be a few weeks to months before cats start having kittens by the dozens again. sucks being born in march. you only get winter gifts. i've gotten ski equipment since time immemorial. i slept most of the late afternoon, got up for dinner and have been messing around with the computer or tv ever since. hence the new icon. it's a joke between a friend and i. something we laughed about a long time ago. still makes me smile. i haven't chatted with this friend for a few days. i've been trying, but socializing - even chatting - is so hard for me right now. i just hope he understands.

2 comments|post comment

cleaning house... [16 Mar 2004|10:32pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | my stupid brother's voice ]

i seem to have dug myself a virtual hole. opened the web account i use to get mail from blurty and was faced with 93 unread messages... yes 93... and no, i don't subscribe to porn. most were comment alerts from blurty and the rest were from a mailing list set up by a classmate so we can all share our internship experiences. anyway, i tried to catch up with most of the mail and answer comments etc. but it wasn't long before i just started deleting things randomly. my appologies if a comment of yours got lost in the rubble or if i didn't respond to something important. hit me here and now if you want to chat about anything. also, i'm not going to bother back-reading posts that i've missed (for my own sanity if nothing else) so if i've missed something important or fail to respond to some event - sorry. in other news... i have an interview with an eccentric artist in the morning, so i should be getting me arse to bed. (my st. paddy's day tribute) i can't understand why i'm not unconscious already as i swallowed a bunch of seroquel at like 6:30 tonight. (it was a bad day... don't recommend having your mother and your doctor gang up on you... makes you feel like shite.) waking up should feel like xmas, if the paper boy gets his arse out of bed before 8 during spring break. i'm told my military story is running front and center with colour photos and all. we'll just see... :)

1 comment|post comment

secret feeling... [14 Mar 2004|12:51pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

I got that feeling this morning, briefly. You know the one that tells you that you are on the verge of something... something big. The one that says you're special, capable of things that not everybody is... the one that makes you want to pack your things and head for a new scene. I felt that this morning.

I used to get that feeling a whole lot and when I did and I could no longer ignore it, I'd change my mind about where I was and what I was doing and move on... but that was before all this bipolar crap. Before I was told that feeling was just a symptom of mania. It very well could be, but I think it could also be a symptom of happiness.

So am I happy? Not really, but I sense that I'm close. With my work at the paper and my decision to move home. I'm on to better things, that I know for sure. Because really it can't get any worse than it has been lately.

Disappointment after disappointment... and mostly in myself. Life without the crutch of an anti-depressant kinda sucks. I feel those disappointments deeper now. I've cried more in the past week than probably the whole year I spent on prozac and effexor... but as awful as that feels at the time, I'm kind of glad just have those feelings back. It's only people like my mother that have a problem with it. I can handle my own bitchiness, it's what I'm used to.

::sigh:: there are two asshole rednecks at the couches behind me in this cafe, talking about their "bitch" ex-wives... what I wouldn't give to hit them both over the head with a 2x4. And now they're being louder and more obnoxious just because I turned to give them the evil eye.

Anyway, the net will be hooked up in my mom's house on Tuesday then I can write when ever I feel like it and not be disturbed. This weekend went so fast. I wouldn't mind an extra day before going back to the paper. It's not that I'm not enjoying it, it's just that I think maybe this isn't the best time for me to be doing an internship. My head and heart just aren't in it. I'm trying my best to fake it though - and I can tell it is the sort of work I'd enjoy if I were in a happier place.

My house seems to have become cat/kitten obsessed. It started with this neighbourhood cat that kept visiting us via our balcony and eventually came inside for fresh tuna courtesy of my mom... he hasn't been back in a few days. Then there was the idea that I was going to get a kitten for my birthday but that idea was tossed as it seems there are no kittens to be had this time of year. And now my mother is looking after her friend's kittens while she is in mexico for spring break. I'm getting kinda sick of all the cat talk and am wondering if I even want one of my own anymore.

It would only get in the way if I were to take of for New York like that feeling told me to do this morning. I've always been enamoured with New York and I don't know why. I guess it just seems like a place with possibilities to a small town girl. I know I'll get there someday, I've always known it.

I spent yesterday unpacking boxes and setting my room up. My "office" is done with my computer, scanner and printer. Added this cute little lamp from Ikea. I should be there working on some stories for deadline next week... but the fact that I'm not getting paid for any of this keeps me wanting to save my weekends for myself. I may get at it later tonight.

Well I'm going to attempt to answer some comments and read my friends page that I haven't seen in 2 weeks. Tuesday really can't come soon enough.

7 comments|post comment

trying to take things one at a time... [23 Feb 2004|11:39am]
[ mood | busy ]

To Do Today
1. call my editor re: internship must do asap!
2. go over ed. story notes and outline story important
3. put in calls to ed. story sources very important
4. buy LD phone card for my cell do asap
5. email Bowling For Columbine assignment to instructor (skipping class) do by this evening
6. email Chronicle editor and tell about this week's story (skipping news meeting) can be put off
7. call school's PR rep to get interview with administration must do asap
8. make list of things to tell/ask doc do right now
9. doc appointment at 2:30 non-negotiable

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ZZZzzzZZZzzz... [22 Feb 2004|01:48am]
[ mood | awake ]

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE... WILL SOMEBODY MAKE MY MOTHER STOP SNORING, SO THE REST OF US CAN GET SOME SLEEP?
LOL... she really cracks me up. how such a little lady can make such a loud obnoxius noise is beyond me!
-happy trails and have a good night. ;)

1 comment|post comment

pepperoni and cheese [20 Feb 2004|12:41pm]
[ mood | not annoyed anymore ]

why is it that meats like pepperoni and salami taste so freakin good, when they are soo bad for you? i like never have pepperoni in my fridge but i bought some to put in this awsome pasta salad that i make and let's just say some of it accidently went into my mouth while i was chopping it up for the salad. lol. it tasted so freakin good. of course then i was chopping cheddar chease cubes for the same salad and some of those popped into my mouth as well. i must say - pepperoni and cheese goes great together! man, i'm gonna die of a heart attack. but i will have lived a wonderfully delicious life!

count down to the mother arival has begun. trying to get this place looking like i'm not a total slob. i can just hear her voice now: "S*-**" pulling my name into 4 syllables instead of 2. can't wait until she comes. i've been needing a hug like forever... and i'll get one as soon as she gets off the bus!

6 comments|post comment

one of three... [19 Feb 2004|09:35pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | could it be any harder - the calling ]

Not sure what kind of a mood I'm in tonight. Keep jumping between stressed, annoyed and happy.

I'm stressed because I have two major stories due soon and don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with them. And you know that the world will fall off it's axis if I don't get an A.

I'm annoyed because I don't think certain people in my life take the things they say seriously - they don't understand the reprocusions. When you say something and that something involves another person or that other person gets drawn in because of what you say... then if you don't follow through... well that's just the same as lying. Even if there were underlying motives or justifications... it's just plain lying for attention. And I refuse to be a part of that sort of thing. It's a waste of my time and energy.

I'm happy because Steph finally called me. I hadn't talked to her since Christmas. I was pissed at her last month, therefore avoided her on MSN but I can no longer remeber why I was mad. I think it's supposed to be that way with best friends. The anger just disappears when you hear their voice again.

Well I still have cleaning to do to prepare for my mother's arrival tomorrow. I'm so happy she's coming. I've missed her. I'm trying to think of things we can do that won't cost much... she was hesitant to come because every time she does we go on $300 shopping sprees. If the weather is good we can walk the Sea Wall, or maybe go to the Art Gallery. I bought a ton of groceries, so we won't have to eat out. I'm hoping she'll want to go to a movie or something too. Although, in the city, movies are ridiculously expensive. $14+!!! Oh well... I'm at the point now where my mom and I can just talk like friends rather than her having to entertain me like a little kid... so going out for coffee or something will probably be just as cool.

4 comments|post comment

moron [18 Feb 2004|05:54pm]
[ mood | ditzy ]

I would like to state for the record that I'm a MORON!! My card was on my kitchen table under my grocery list! I need serious help... do they prescribe a drug for ditziness? I might need that.

3 comments|post comment

D'OH! [18 Feb 2004|05:40pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I went to the trouble of making a list and everything and now I can't find my fricken bank card! I have this awful feeling that I left it on the cafeteria table after paying for lunch... damn I'm stupid. And hungry. I'll have to wait until the bank opens tomorrow to get a replacement card. Grrrrr... do pizza places accept cheques? hmm... I wonder.

1 comment|post comment

[18 Feb 2004|04:51pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I've been a bottom-less pit lately... I'm so hungry, all the time, yet I've suddenly developed this total aversion to grocery shopping. So I'm hungry but have no food in the house... because there never will be any, unless I go out and get some. A dilema I intend to solve immediately after writing this... or maybe tomorrow morning? Whatever... So I'm officially on "reading-break". Yes, I go to the only school in the world that doesn't give it's students a full week off for spring break or reading break or whatever. Not that I have anything to read... I've got two major stories to work on though. That should keep me busy, considering I have yet to come up with ideas for either. I have to do an "education story" and a "health story." I know what I'd like to do for the health story, however it seems a bit over my head at the moment... mostly because government people and the likes don't exactly return calls from student newspapers... the Sun and Province yes - but not us. So things are over with Rob. I sorta knew it wouldn't last long. Went for coffee yesterday and I bluntly asked: "This isn't working, is it?" There are just too many thing in the way right now... me moving, him living in a suburb far away and going to a different school next year. Plus as much as I wanted there to be... there just wasn't a whole lot of chemistry between us. I wasn't "crazy" about him. So we ended it on good terms. Neither one of us were upset by it. My mom is coming this weekend. I'm looking forward to it. I haven't been home for a while and I miss her. For this reason, I really do need to go grocery shopping... I better get at it and make my list.

2 comments|post comment

am i an emo kid??? [16 Feb 2004|08:57pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | it should be obvious ]

i love this song... i keep playing it. not sure what it is about it that speaks to me, yet speak it does. the only problem is the mp3 i downloaded didn't have the song title - only the fact that it was "track 9". so i have no idea what the song is called. doesn't really matter.

??? - Dashbpard Confessional

carve your heart out yourself
hopelessness is your safe
since you've drawn out these lines
are you protected from drawing ties
man it takes a silly girl
to lie about the dreams she has
but it takes a lonely one
to wish that she had never dreamt at all
oh look now
there you go with hope again
oh you're so sure
i'll be leaving in the end
dig a ditch deep enough
to keep you clear of the sun
you ran from more than once
you don't think much of trust
man it takes a silly girl
to lie about the dreams she has
but it takes a lonely one
to wish that she had never dreamt at all
oh look now
there you go with hope again
but i'll be sure your secret's safe with me
oh you're so sure
i'll be leaving in the end
treating my like i'm already gone
but i'm not
i will stay
where you are
always
i will stay... ...
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murder near me [16 Feb 2004|06:27pm]
[ mood | shocked ]

i'm hungry and i feel like asian food... problem is my favourite thai place is close to my school but nowhere near where i live... now if i were craving indian, that wouldn't be a problem. i need to go grocery shopping (only picked up a couple things last night) but my mom might be coming to visit this weekend so i should wait until later in the week to shop. then she'll think i'm all healthy and shit with fresh veggies and fruit. so... what should i eat? or where should i eat? easiest option would be to order pizza but i'm not into that taste tonight. hmm... any suggestions?

i really don't care what other people do as long as it makes them happy and doesn't hurt anybody else. i think this qualifies:

      
Marriage is love.


oh yeah, something i wrote a bit earlier --->

WARNING: my thoughts on the recent violent crime committed near where i live... please do not read if you find description of violence offensive in any way.


Read more... )
2 comments|post comment

[15 Feb 2004|08:07pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

C'ÉST FINI

told myself it would be done by 8.... i rock!! i'm an ethical genius. LOL. :P
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IF YOU CATCH ME... [15 Feb 2004|10:01am]
[ mood | PROCRASTINATING ]
[ music | NONE, BECAUSE I HAVE WORK TO DO!!! ]

UPDATING OR COMMENTING OR OTHERWISE HANGING AROUND HERE BEFORE I FINISH MY TERM-PAPER TODAY...

KICK MY ASS!!!
OKAY?

HAVE A NICE DAY
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hate [14 Feb 2004|07:46pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | kiss me fool - fefe dobson ]

i just hate everything at the moment. i hate where i live and hate going to school. i hate the fact that i have to leave in a couple weeks and i hate the fact that i started something i won't be able to finish. i hate myself for saying no and hate myself even more for wanting to say yes. i hate my friends for wanting to know and hate them for not paying attention. i hate my mother for her inability to understand. i hate my brother for his refusal to try. i hate the old people on the bus for making me feel guilty about having a seat. i hate all those stupid rules and regulations we have to abide by. i hate the way i look and the way my hair keeps falling out. i hate my clothes and how i can't afford new ones. i hate the way i laugh too loud and interrupt. i hate the way my hand shoots up in class. i hate being smart and not being smart enough. i hate the fact my dog is gone as well as my dad. i hate my uncle for leaving my aunt and my father for leaving us all. i hate my friends that don't call and the ones that just don't care. i hate my need for comfort and my inability to change. i hate loud noises. i hate it when it's too quite. i hate all my music. i hate all my books. i hate how there's nothing good on tv and how all my movies bore me. i hate dirty dishes and hate making them clean. i hate the way i say good bye to every good thing i have. i hate the way he left me. i hate what they did to me when i was fourteen. i hate the way he used to hit and the way he used to hug. i hate the fact i'm here and hate that we left there. i hate myself so much these days. and i hate the fact i feel that way.

3 comments|post comment

LMAO! [13 Feb 2004|07:01pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | hillary duff - come clean ]

Kiss Me



Your Candy Heart Is "Kiss Me"


You're a romantic at heart - which is quite sweet

You fall quickly and often for many people you meet.

While you're romantic, you've been know to crawl up with a dirty book

Warning to all: You're not as innocent as you may look.



What Naughty Candy Heart Are You?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
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relativity... [13 Feb 2004|05:45pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]
[ music | revolution song - fefe dobson ]

Just woke up from my afternoon nap... don't usually nap in the afternoon but I was exhausted from all the work I did last night and all the sleep I didn't get. Rob is coming over at 8pm to watch movies and hang out. I told him I was in no mood to go out... He agreed. (Like he had a choice!) I'm wanting him here because I like his company among other things, but I've been in such a cranky mood all day that I'm afraid I'll scare him away. Oh well, he'll just have to learn early that I'm a strong-willed and emotional person. He'll just have to love me for it... or sadly, he can leave. Anyway, last night on the phone we had the V-day conversation. We agreed that it's way too early to be celebrating such a thing... so tonight is movie night and tomorrow night he will go to work as planned.

I can't spare any time this weekend anyway. I have a term-paper due Monday that I haven't started yet... Haven't even gotten the research material. Not too worried about that. One of my old poli-sci texts will do for one source and then there's the net for a couple more sources and the class text... so I should be able to zip down to the public library tomorrow morning and find a 20th century philosophy text and be done with it. I really should own such a book because I am forever quoting Aristotle, Plato, Nitchzie(sp?), Sarte, and Kierkegard(sp?) in various essays and stories. So Sunday after I finish my paper... should I finish before midnight... Rob and I will go back to the same Starbucks where we met and have coffee.

I'm wondering these days if I'm pms-ing or just having one of my poor-me moments... because today all I could think of was how "all my teachers hated me""and "everybody in my class hates me". Those are usually signs that I'm too low... but I'm on so much friggin' medication I'd say that would be an impossibility. Sometimes I think I'm just one of those defeatus / negative people. That's why yesterday's word-of-the-day was RELATIVE. I have to keep reminding myself that my problems are no worse off that anybody else's... and that everybody has their own version of pain and loneliness... and that while being bipolar sucks, at least i'm not startving in Ethiopia(sp?) or walking the streets talking to myself because i'm an unmedicated schizophrenic and at least i can afford the drugs i need... and I really do have every opportunity to make anything I want of myself. I have to remind myself that I can't stand people who refuse to live up to their potential (like my brother) and that problems in life are not excuses to do nothing with your life.

So yeah, it's all relative.

cause beyond the walls that hold us here, skies that stretch across the end must fear, oh - a revolution is here!
4 comments|post comment

oh, a revolution is near... [12 Feb 2004|11:21pm]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | fefe dobson - revolution song ]

RELAVTIVE

my word for the day...


so busy, no time to write, simply emptying my brain between tasks. one down, one to go... damn midterm. will be alseep by 1am... i promise myself.
3 comments|post comment

new tunes [10 Feb 2004|09:52pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Anybody heard any good music lately? I'm getting really bored with my MP3 collection. I like most everything, except hip-hop/rap.
8 comments|post comment

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