ha HA ha i win   
09:45pm 24/02/2004
 
mood: amused
music: some song stuck in my head
woah wait a minute, what is this, i just had an actual intelligent conversation with jack, what is the world coming to!?

i finally concluded something: the "group" doesnt exist anymore and its really quite sad, other than the loss of the drama that went along with it (and wait, who was it caused by weather anyone knew it or not? ding ding ding chris knows the answer). everyone in that group, i swear every SINGLE person has went their separate ways and formed their own sub-groups of nothingness, which is nice, except i wasnt included. oh poor me. whine whine whine ;).

for an hour, one hour (including commercials) everything was normal, except for the absence of one person, it felt like it should be, like it used to, like everything was going to be alright, and then it ended and guess what? the series finale was last may, and i guess ill have to accept that. i can live in my reality world one episode at a time, one period of 45 minutes, complete bliss. but what happens when ive seen them all, watched every one of them, every season, the dreams over, and ill have to go back to reality eventually. learning to deal will have to be better than fantasizig what was or could have been or could be, because im going to have to face it sooner or later.

im having trouble sleeping. i go to bed at a normal time, and i lay there tossing and turning, too hot or too cold, never comfortable, and when i do sleep im having these weird dreams, and its not for a long enough period of time either. and then ill wake up about 3 in the morning and lay there, not being able to go back to sleep until 7, but by then i have to go to school. i think they should put me on some meds but i hear sleeping pills are bad for you...

i havent written anything in such a long time, well.... anything that i want other people to read at least. but finally... i did.. tell me what you think:

we watched her grow up
maybe a little too fast
to naieve to face the world
on her own
but not rebellious enough
to be alone

i wrote some other things last night, but i dont think ill relay them onto here, but if you do want to read them, just ask, and if youre worthy enough then you will get to. althought you may be a bit freaked out.

 
     Post
 
check   
09:26pm 23/02/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: fuck music
its a bad sign if you ask people if youve changed and they all tell you you seem depressed...


1. Appetite or weight has changed considerably (has lost or gained a substantial amount of weight)

2. a change in sleeping pattern: can't sleep at night or sleeps too much

3. is restless, agitated (pacing, wringing hands) or has slowed down (e.g., spends hours staring in front, finds it hard to move)

4. has lost a lot of energy, complains of feeling tired all the time

5. feels worthless or complains of feeling inappropriately guilty ('everything is my fault', 'I am bad')

6. complains often of physical ailments

7. believes that life is not worth living, there is no future and will be better off dead


Changes in character


  • lasts for more than two weeks
  • Irritable; e.g., snapping at people for no apparent reason

  • Physically aggressive or verbally aggressive

  • Abandoning favourite hobbies or sports

  • Passive TV watching

  • Risk-taking; e.g., dangerous driving

  • Misuse of drugs and alcohol.

  • Changes in school behaviours (including training courses and work settings)

  • Frequent absences from school through 'wagging' & Gets poorer grades for assignments than formerly

  • Complains of being bored. Becomes disruptive in class

  • Loses interest in activities which once were fun

  • Finds it harder to stay on task. Loses concentration

  • Mentally confused. Finds decisions difficult to make

  • Cannot remember commitments: doesn't turn up to appointments

  • Has difficulty staying still or conversely, is lethargic

  • Projects personal difficulties on to others; e.g., bullying

  • Sets self up for rejection by peers and/or teachers. Takes on the victim role

  • Changes in relationship to family and friends

  • Stops going out with friends; shows no interest in group outings

  • Increase or decrease in sexual activity

  • May start associating with a different peer group

  • Expresses negativity about family

  • More than normal conflicts with parents and siblings

  • Changes eating and sleeping habits

  • Changes in feeling, thinking and perceiving

  • Expresses inappropriate guilt

  • Feelings of not being good enough, worthlessness, failure

  • Expressions of hopelessness: nothing to look forward to

  • Speaks in a monotonous or monosyllabic manner

  • Preoccupied with self; withdrawn, shows inner distraction

  • Cries easily, looks sad, feels alone or isolated

  • Fears about having to be perfect. Fearful of doing something bad

  • Incidents of self-injury. Ideas of killing self

 
     Post
 
never sing...   
07:25pm 18/02/2004
  The beautiful girl
The beautiful girl


Which girl stereotype are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
     Post
 
everythings changing   
08:53pm 16/02/2004
 
mood: confused
music: so beautiful- dashboard confessional
starting a new journal, yes im selling out, but i will post once in a while, and keep this one

http://www.livejournal.com/~so_unforgivable

< /3
 
     Post
 
i need to see a doctor   
11:46am 14/02/2004
 
mood: cold
music: hum of the heater, a sound i havent heard in a while.
i offically have a curfew: 11:00... joy
saftey pins and other sharp objects again, i wonder if she cares now?

last night was... fun.. interesting... confusing,matthew matthew matthew thomas, ive been meaing to call since that night i wokke up at 3 in the morning and had an urge to call him, see how he was. and jack sometimes you confuse me, stop being such a damn flirt, youre so sweet though, and you ALWAYS make me feel better, you sure know how to comfort me, and our conversations are the best, you and i understnd eachother. :D
friday the 13th didnt turn out all that bad eh? I FINALLY SAW ONE OF YOUR HOCKEY GAMES. am i a good luck charm or what?
sunday it is.
and tonight, well, really sucks i hate valentines days but i miss my ring, one year old.

< /3333 i hope your v-day is better than mine < /3333
 
     Post
 
   
05:11pm 11/02/2004
 
mood: amused
music: 94.5 THE MOUNTAIN
"isn't the dahli lama a sheep"
by any chance can you guess who said that? and believe me, they may deny it, but they so were NOT joking.

went to lunch with jane and patrick. MUCH fun. saw someone i havent seen in a long ass time.

so i knew it already so i cant really say it was a realization, but girls are MEAN to eachoter, i guess i just never realized the extent of it until today. there is this really bitch girl in my weights class who thinks she is the coolest thing in the world, and she juist so happens to be fat, like majorly obese, and today we were playing vooleybally and she got mad cause we didnt do it her way and started freaking out and told on us and so she gets all huffy and jane goes onto the other side of the net and they start verbally fighting and ends up jane calling her a fat whore. it was funny, hilarious, but shes a bitch and why do girls have to start shit for no reason. thay ALways need to have the one up.

one stereotype that is true: cheerleaders. they are all little lumpy bitches with saggy boobs and eating disorders or brain disorders or something, i dont care what you say. they are all that way in some shape or form. the end.

 
     Read 6 - Post
 
   
05:11pm 11/02/2004
  "isn't the dahli lama a sheep"
by any chance can you guess who said that? and believe me, they may deny it, but they so were NOT joking.

went to lunch with jane and patrick. MUCH fun. saw someone i havent seen in a long ass time.

so i knew it already so i cant really say it was a realization, but girls are MEAN to eachoter, i guess i just never realized the extent of it until today. there is this really bitch girl in my weights class who thinks she is the coolest thing in the world, and she juist so happens to be fat, like majorly obese, and today we were playing vooleybally and she got mad cause we didnt do it her way and started freaking out and told on us and so she gets all huffy and jane goes onto the other side of the net and they start verbally fighting and ends up jane calling her a fat whore. it was funny, hilarious, but shes a bitch and why do girls have to start shit for no reason. thay ALways need to have the one up.

one stereotype that is true: cheerleaders. they are all little lumpy bitches with saggy boobs and eating disorders or brain disorders or something, i dont care what you say. they are all that way in some shape or form. the end.

 
     Post
 
seduction is simplistic..   
07:07pm 08/02/2004
 
mood: optimistic
music: rememeber when
in the heat of the moment
wise decisions are not made
but we dont give a fuck
we'll deal with it later.

ok i thought of that in the shower and it was way better cause thats not it, i just forgot to write it down.
this must have been my longest hiatus ever, i usually had something to say, something to preach or somplain about or even just discuss. nope, i was not in the mood. i have been in a screen name making mood latley though. i added three more. if you want them or wanna know what one ill be on more, just ask.

too bad to hear about
you-know-who
it sucks
when things dont
turn out
the way you
want them to.

my colors are obnoxious ive decided. when im not too busy ill figure out my computer and how to make it awesome, like myras. i absolutley love her style.
check it out cause its cool she had the moves, she had the speed...
speaking of her journal. i want her to design it but i dont want to have to switch over to LJ to do it, do any of you know if it is similar to blurty or not?

no, i cant go out friday night im sorry, MY LAMB IS ILL

i laugh at you. i laugh like the repressor forcing the dna master strand to die muahahahahaha. i laugh at you because you are like the dwarf grumpy and i am not. hah
< /3
 
     Read 9 - Post
 
the fucked up end to a perfect day   
09:24pm 04/02/2004
 
mood: bitchy
music: fuck off
why do you always have to bring me down?
 
     Read 2 - Post
 
im play my cards like you want me to.   
07:46pm 01/02/2004
 
mood: disappointed
music: the new year- death cab for cutie
this is bullshit, total and complete bullshit. youre fake shallow lying and who knows what else. what kind of a conspiracy is this? could someone please tell me that?

so, maybe i move too fast, hope for things that take time without caring that they do, since everything comes so easily to me.... RIGHT? im just looking to be loved unconditionally asap and it ends up fucking me over emotionally. seeing as all the relationships i start fgetting into turn out as not being interested or just having to go, someplace far. im the classic romantic like marylin monroe and audrey hepburn, and it doesnt work seeing as no one else works that way.

im painting my room red with gold undertones, getting indian bedding and putting canopy netting above it, covering the walls with vintage prints, putting votives EVERYWHERE, either putting a chaise or the mirriored dresser on the wall opposite my bed. im changing everything else because i hate it, but one thing i love will always stay but will vary somewhat. the smell, i swear my room always haas a signature scent to it that i love and i dont know where it comes from but even at my old house it was there, its always there, maybe its just this neibhorhood. vanilla blossoms cranberry fresh laundry diesel and rain. yummmmmmmmm.

if you ever get the chance, go to my room and read the story on the wall called Green by Catlin Elizabeth Shaw. i was going to post it in here but its too long and may violate copywrite laws of some sort. oh heres a way shortened version: The instant they met, Gabes eyes made Elise swoon.
or you can just read 17, but i advise you to read theone on my wall, much much better seeing as 17 gets shittier and shittier everyday.
now im rfedally dissapointed cause i found these rad pens from the 90's and they dont work. hey, has anyone but me ever noticed my pen usage? i ONLY use black bic cristal pens i swear im getting weirder and weirder everyday by limiting my pen usage.

i didnt watch the superbowl and i dont know who won or een played, BECAUSE I DONT CARE. i hope all of you that did had tons of fun wasting your life.
< /3

edit: why why why you ask. because, why shouldnt they? and how do you know that they dont? "and you realize you've..."
"I just have this feeling. I dont think its true love, but its true, whatever it is."

so apparently usually im "nice little erica" and then when brooke doesnt let me sleep im a "little fierce one" like brooke asked me to put her sock on when she was getting ready and she had it halfway on and i just took it off and threw it, and just stupid shit, so apparently im MEAN. watch out bitches and hoes.
 
     Post
 
on the flip side...   
10:32pm 29/01/2004
 
mood: ecstatic
music: the first cut is the deepest
i wonder what shes thinking, cause you know its complicated when youre not totally sure and it feels like that just happened for a reason and for a permanant change, its not always good.

changed my picture... look confused dont i? you see it looks strange becasue i was looking up at the ceiling when i took that and thats why it looks somewhat creepy...

i dont think ive updated for days now, but i dont feel the need or have time anymore since its all school school school, you know how that goes, cause i sure dont. we went to the out back for my grandpas 80th birthday last night *awwwwwwww* i love my grandpa...and i talked with my cousin about her boytoy and my new interest (insert name here). and i didnt get home until like 10 so by that time,my brain was fried and i didnt do anything except sleep, nooo homework and my mom flipped, oh well. i always screw up and its what im destined to do so why just not try to fight the system?

its an ongoing fucking circle of this house yelling at me for stupid shit like where are this pictures and its only 922 but you have to go to bed cause you dodnt get up in the morning. but it deosnt matter cause tomorrow is FRIDAY and i can go to school and see ********* yay!!!!!!!!! that makes me so very happy to know... "not like enough sleep would make you any prettier" says my dearest about you know what hah, made my day.


alll of the plus sides:

1. catching ********* staring ahhh.
2. hugs from dalton who ihavent seen or heard from in a while
3. getting stuff worked out with my janie, well sorta
4. getting that sexy swimsuit body to go along with the developing 6-pack and obliques
5. no more bull shit with the relationships
6. talking to my eesa
7. did i mention his cute smile and big brown eyes?

note to self: and remember, don't settle, make sure your happy thanks scott.
< /3333333333333333333333333


I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know...
 
     Read 6 - Post
 
"do they happen to scream derogatory terms at you when you wear that shirt?"   
10:22pm 27/01/2004
 
mood: flirty
music: toxic - BRITNEYSLUT
"YOU MADE ME MILK MYSELF!!!!" o wow that was so nasty and i never hope to see it again.

one thing ive just gotta say to get out of my system : you talk and talk and talk and talk and NO ONE CARES, so shut the fuck up you mother fucking bitch.

ahhh im liking the whole "kinky underwear" as bglam calls it, i didnt think they were THAT kinky, just a lil bit seductive and i dont even need them to seduce this person.

valenties day is an overrated sellout holiday that revolves around sex, since as chris knows: everything revolves around sex, its like the fucking point of life. and this year, i dont want to have one, well i do, want one AND have one, i just would rather forget the whole holiday and celebrate something more meaningful, like.... {insert meaningful something that i would rather do here} making out? ok, sounds like a plan. but who with.... mystery boy? definatley.

< /3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
 
     Read 1 - Post
 
dont say that, it totally sounds like youre trying to mack on him...   
05:11pm 26/01/2004
 
mood: curious
music: ****** scurrying
im a HUSTLER baby, and i want you to know...

"it was right there, and i didnt think you'd lean forward... so i went for it and took a bite"

so, today i was standing there talking to him, trying to get him to leave me alone.... and then ***** just comes up to me and flips me around, movie star style kisses me and walks away, in front of everyone, and him. but the funny thing is, i felt something there, a spark ive felt once before.

"i dont know, i just... want to do something where i can take off my clothes and POSE"

and i just realized the date, of all things...

< /3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

EDIT: due to certain events i had to so anyways this person called to TALK and "i love you way more than you wuv your ataris, and i mees you all day long..." ok yea it was really sweet and all but what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk is up with this. mixed signals do you think? and they knew what DAY it was. what the fuck is going on. for more info watch uptown girls: "so when im not ready you chase me down and when i am ready youre not interested" again said by some hottie with a british accent...
 
     Read 1 - Post
 
dont say that, it totally sounds like youre trying to mack on him...   
05:11pm 26/01/2004
  im a HUSTLER baby, and i want you to know...

"it was right there, and i didnt think you'd lean forward... so i went for it and took a bite"

so, today i was standing there talking to him, trying to get him to leave me alone.... and then ***** just comes up to me and flips me around, movie star style kisses me and walks away, in front of everyone, and him. but the funny thing is, i felt something there, a spark ive felt once before.
 
     Post
 
ajhfbajfojilmaqlkij   
10:43pm 25/01/2004
 
mood: bouncy
music: its my life- no doubt
im in a kickass mood, but i can tall, im fucking up already, i didnt do my project for geometry, only worth 20 points, but in his class thats a lot, maybe i should og do it now, but i would rather sleep...

i got to talk to a couple of people i havent talked to in a long time and it made me really happy...

fraternal twins get all of the attention. :)
 
     Post
 
a girl with no name.   
04:02pm 23/01/2004
  shes wanted and she knows it. Acting oblivious is her game, and we are the pawns. She stands behind watchful eyes, omnicent, but never letting on to how much she does know. Its always better that way at least it is to her. Safer, knowing she cannot get hurt this way. Becasue being hurt so many times before means always wanting to take the easy way out, never wanting to take a chance, even for something that might, in the long run, be worth it. But it always started out as soemthing she wanted to keep and ended up as a mistake. She wished to never regret something that was once important to her. The tally was up to 5 and although she was glad she could count it on one hand, she was dissapointed to add those tallys to another list, and that was one that everyone has and no one wants. She wasnt the same although it seemed that way becasue she wanted things to be like everyone else did, she was different though. Wanthing the things she did for different reasons, not for something better, for soemthing more than anyone could ask for. It is what she deserved.

i did that today in study hall cause i couldnt stand all of the staring at erica day, although i really didnt mind one of them doing it seeing as hes hottt and a stalker. ;) too bad there is no accent...

its friday and i have to babysit till like 830 and then i can leave. thank goodness!

i heard this today and it was very inquisitive: "you cant change how people are without destroying what they were"

in frosh english we had to write a character sketch and i found it and i really like it, i pulled it out of my ass in about an hour and so i thought i would let you all read it. im going to add on it later and change it and make it a huge thing because i didnt have time to then, but i do now...

“How much more nervous can I get?” He scolded himself for his sweaty palms and shaking legs. He always did this, every time he saw her, every time he even thought about her he got that feeling all over. You know the one I’m talking about, the one that’s so hard to explain but so significant that you would know it the second it came.
He walked in the warm July rain not even noticing that his thin white t-shirt was getting soaked. His almost black, dark brown hair wasn’t staying because he had rushed to fix it before he left. It now looked black and was frizzing out and sticking up in all directions (just how she liked it). His ocean-like blue eyes sparkled; more than they had in the last few months. They had been a cloudy color, more gray than blue; lifeless and dull.
It was chaos around him:chilren quickly cleaning their beach toys of sand and pebbles and parents packing picnic baskets, beach towels, umbrellas, and bottles of sunscreen as fast as they can to get themselves as l ; all of these strangers putting an end to this amazing but oddly important summer day. It was ironic that he looked so calm on the outside because he really wasn’t. He wished that he hadn’t got him self all psyched up just because she had called him and asked if he would meet her on the dock right before sunset. She said that they needed to talk.
As he neared the dock he looked up and saw her in the distance. Even looking at her from far away she was stunning. She was sitting on the edge of the dock looking childlike because she was so petite (5’1” and 98 pounds). But her face, it was not childlike at all. She was usually very fair skinned but her summer spent either on the beach or in the water had left her gorgeous face bronzed and her playful freckles stood out even more. She was always commented on her distinct cheekbones and face shape. She had beautiful full lips that were always soft and he loved how irresistible they looked when she wore her favorite lip gloss. Her naturally light blonde hair was cut right above her shoulders and it was windblown today, she didn’t have to try to make it beautiful. Her huge sky blue eyes were what he loved the most; he could gaze into them for hours on end. She was wearing his sweatshirt and even though the Southern California summers are humid, he could see she was shivering.
He slowly walked up behind her and sensing that someone was there, she turned around, obviously startled. Then at the same time they both spoke:
“Hi…”



< /3
 
     Read 1 - Post
 
someone tell my cat to shut the fuck up. please?   
10:25pm 20/01/2004
 
mood: cold
music: jbnmkkhjygvbhjn
study hall officially sucks. jane left me and now i sit by all the faggots that wont stop talking about why they dont get why im still a virgin and how hot i am and bla bla blaaskdfhnkafniok.... sorry abou that outburts, i got frustrated. dont ask about things you dont understand assholes. i tell them to fuck off and it does the trick. i guess i still have jeremy and zach though
 
     Post
 
mmmmm...   
10:38pm 19/01/2004
 
mood: jubilant
music: taylor- jack johnson
ive never ever been to so many movies in such a short period of time. they all had their good and bad aspects. along came polly on friday, cute, funny, kind of lame, retarded. monster on saturday: dirty, weird, kinky, really gross scene where he beats her and rapes her with a metal pole. lots of blood and psychoticness. chasing liberty on sunday: kind of a teen chick flick, cute but stupid hot accents beautiful girls, gorgeous guys, cute romance that i would love to have and envy anyone that does. btw that accent gets me oh so hot ; )

chris's sister looks just like him im telling you, if i didnt know otherwise i would swear that they were fraternal twins. creepy huh?

ok ok ok. the BEST part of my weekend: i go into vickis secert to get a bra, i pick out the one i want caus ei already know my size, and they girl helping me is like "flash me for a second" yea ok weird question but i got what she meant. i pull my shirt down (bra still covering my chest may i add) ad shes like, this is way too small, i think you need to go the next size up. so my boobs grew, arent you proud?

cam came over today and cooked me dinner. brooke joined us to eat cams meatballs... HA

ok so it was shitty, but now, in this moment, eevrything is perfect. lonley but perfect. i would love for it to stay this way. i mean i have a fresh new start with school so i dont have to fuck up, and some reconcillations which i didnt think would matter. starting over is just what we all need sometimes...

< /3
 
     Read 2 - Post
 
just a theory.   
12:51am 19/01/2004
 
mood: moody
music: music is fucking lame
hmm, i edited my buddy list. took off everyone i didnt talk to, or had a different screen name, it consists of about 20 people now, the people that matter. are you one of them?


the view was beautiful
from a pedestal in the clouds
the strings were cut
and down i fell
merely another one of us

chasing liberty was really really lame but cute at the same time. you see, i have a thing for really really deep voices accompanied by a britsh accent, a really nice muscular/lanky body, dark blue eyes, great bone structure, dark hair, and a general caringness, if you fit the profile give me a call.

it went something like this:
"why cant you ever just say what youre feeling!?"
"alright, gus gus makes me jealous as hell and when im around you i come unbloodyhinged!"
ahh that accent...

i hope you rot in hell, and/or fuck op so badly youll have to go to boarding school in michigan and ill never have to see youre fucking face again. this is what youve put me through, now pay the fucking price.

right now im incredibly numb to all of my emotions, im hungry; but i dont want to eat,im cold;but i dont want to urn up the heat; im tired as fuck but i dont want to go to bed; and im so incredibly angry that i could care less about it, strange?

my letter to you: at the time i thought it was extremly important for you to know, and it turned out to be a great piece of writing if nothing else. i think my efforts were put to waste, unless i wanted to impress myself with my skills, which was not the purpose. i dont think you deserve to have it, mainly becuase you dont want it, and im extremly dissapointed with you. i may consider giving it to you, but im not sure. its not like i dont want you to know, because i do, i just think that the tone set in it is extremly differnt that i would use if i rewrote it now. it was something i was feeling at the time, and maybe it should just go in my shoebox instead...

< /3
 
     Read 1 - Post
 
stay the fuck out   
11:01am 18/01/2004
 
mood: content
music: brookes lovley voice
fuck you, fuck this. seriously just stay out of my life.
 
     Read 1 - Post