Mistrust   
08:21am 07/06/2004
 
mood: relaxed
I went home this morning to take a shower and get cleaned up. Over the past few days I have been really relaxed; that talk I had with Miu really did fix everything in my opinion. There is however, a few things that still wiegh on my mind. After cleaning up I went out to the old spot where Kakarott and I had our first fight.

Usually sounds, flashbacks, noises fill my mind but today there was nothing. It was soothing to hear silence for once; to not be tormented by those yelling screams. I believe that is due to Jack taking some of it away. I know he can hear it too so now it is like we are sharing the burden.

Speaking of, there have been two things that have been bothering me over the past few days and that is the mistrust. I know I am not the perfect person I claim to be but I thought I was more respected than what I found out. When Anna confronted me about Miu she actually accused me of sleeping with her on that night. I don't believe she believed me when I told her that I didn't. I can not believe she would think that I would cheat on her that way; after all the devotion I claim to her. She is the only person that I have let take me, claim me. There is no one else that has done that; does that mean nothing to her?

There are other things that bother me as well. I have noticed that Xilac does not seem to trust Miu all too well. What is worse though is that I have heard he has accused me of doing things to her; towards her. When I went to visit her that one night I had no intention of doing anything to her or with her. I just wanted to tell her what was going on in my mind. He has thrown accusations and I almost fear he will hurt her. I do not care if it is him or Jack of Goten; if anyone hurts a woman I will come down on them. Even I have the knowledge of how to be a gentleman.

He is really treading on thin ice and I swear if she ever comes to me in tears over a strike from him... he will pay. She told me that night she was a bit scared of him but I dismissed it because she keeps telling me he makes her happy. I do not like how our relationship is assumed to be sexual by everyone. I still consider her my friend and I will continue to see her be it with people or by herself. I love and cherish Anna and I have no intention of taking Miu and I know she is also the same way as far as Xilac goes.

I hate the fact that I am put under the spotlight and accused when I go to see her but not when I go to see Yume or Bria. And why is it when I accused Anna of seeing Kakarott it is brushed off as nothing? Why does my concern seem a lower priority than hers. Am I really not that trusted in her eyes?

The other thing that is bothering me is Jack. He is not the same anymore that is true. Yesterday we spent fighting. There is something that is bothering him. I can see it in his eyes that death is coming soon for him. He won't tell me exactly if that is true though. I think I have seen that look before enough times in Kakarott and my own eyes to know when a man knows he is going to die soon. I know it is not something he wants; death never is but I also see that there is nothing he can do about it. If only he would tell me,... I took him back to Mexico last night. I hope he does not plan anything stupid.		  
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Change Again   
09:31am 05/06/2004
 
mood: aggravated
Last night was more stressful than the night before. I found Anna. She was sitting beside the rubble of our house. I could tell she was not happy and she did not greet me like I expected she would. I left after a short conversation with her. The noise in my head started to get louder.

I have learned over the years to put up with it. There are times when I will stand on the cliff where I first met Kakarott. I stand there and just listen to the noise. It's all mixed up but it's mostly yelling. Blood curling screams, people crying for help but I know it's me that is truly crying for help. I know this noise is based on all the emotion I never let out or show anyone.

But as I stood there this time the noise started to get louder. It started to actually get unbearable. I couldn't help myself I had to find help; so I went to see Jack. He was in a hospital talking to his father when I arrived. His father was dead however so I don't know what kind of hospital that is. Anyway I made him get out of the hospital before I destroyed it. The noise was just to the point of being ear shattering. I transformed to Oozaru form.

Jack really did try to stop me but I couldn't. It hurt; it was painful and I just lost my mind. I destroyed the city and then went on. He must have hitched a ride on me but I don't remember. It was just so loud. I kept blasting things that eventually I wore myself out and passed out. As I lay there among burning ruins my body was so tired. I don't think I'd ever been that tired before. I couldn't stand up. I'm not talking mentally either. It was a physical tired. So I just lay there. Later I managed to get to Yume's house since Anna was staying there.

Things went from bad to worse then. Anna found out about me seeing Miu. She yelled and screamed about me cheating on her. She accused me of having sex with her and wanting to leave so I could be with here. She started to yell about our son being the mistake and suggested that she take care of the problem.... and then she did.

I can not even describe it. I was scared to try to stop her. I didn't know what to do. I just stood there. AGAIN! After she killed Takai she pushed passed me and walked downstairs. It was like Bulma's incident all over again. I remembered having flash backs as I stood there. Hearing Bulma say I didn't care about her, that I didn't love her. Saying that I didn't know what I wanted, that all I wanted was to be with Miu and that I didn't need her. I chased after Anna but it was just horrible.

She yelled and yelled and I took it all. I couldn't argue with her. She was completely right about everything (except for the part about me leaving her). She said everything she knew was a lie; that all I did was lie. She then went so far as to try and kill herself. She kept wanting to do it. I finally talked her down from it.

I am so tired and drained from all of this. I knew things would get bad when I came back. I can't believe my son is dead. I can't believe I did nothing to stop it. I talked to Anna about reviving him but she is afraid and ashamed to do it. I know what she is going through. I told her I wanted to be "us" again.. how we were before the world got in the way.

I admit I was not ready for marriage. I'm 49 and I'm still not ready. It's not that I am afraid of commitment because I am very committed to anything that I do. It is just that I feel the heavy burden of responsibility when I hear her call me her husband. I don't know why. That word just has so many high expectations in my mind. I just can't handle the title. I know I'm being stupid but I can't help it. I just want to be her boyfriend; her lover and the person that means everything to her. Eventually she agreed to starting again but I know now I have to work very hard to make this work. If I mess up anymore it will be over. ...

I don't know what I'm going to do about Takai yet. I must remedy this,.. why is it that I always cause myself more problems and stress myself out? When will I learn?		  
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Change   
09:13am 05/06/2004
 
mood: relieved
My head is pounding horrifically from the stress of my return. I thought I could solve these problems easily but I did not factor in that there were others with feelings involved. I have certainly changed since my days of being ruthless; I actually care about what people think now.

I arrived at Miu's house first. Come to find out Craft can do a fading trick like Kitarro. He dropped me off at Capsul Corp and then disappeared; heading off on another mission I bet. I almost asked him to come back in a few hours and take me with him. Anyway, I went to do what I had planned.

I figured out who I was, what I loved and what I wanted. Vegeta, Anna and Miu. I know Miu and I had been on such a horrible road. I hated myself for saying all those things about her to her face. I did mean them though. She really has ruined my life. But I showed up at her doorstep and did what I wanted. I kissed her. I thought for sure she would turn me away; telling me she was happy with Xilac and that she didn't need me anymore. I was wrong. She actually confessed that she still thought about me.

I tried not to let myself get too involved. I stood the entire time in her hallway as we talked. I refused to sit or get comfortable. It was not that I was afraid but I was trying to respect her and her "rules". I just hated the fact that she told me she was being so restricted and the way she said it made it sound like she was being restricted from me! How dare that idiot Xilac try to put down a rule that confines the Prince of the Saiyan Race!

But anyway,.. we talked for quite some time. This was the first time we had actually spoke since our fight. I just had to tell her that I still thought about her and that I missed her. I told her that if there were no factors restraining either of us then it would be different between us. But no matter what, I continued to remind her that I was still in love with Anna. I didn't want her to assume that just because I missed her didn't mean I was going to leave Anna for her. The way I see it I have Anna and she makes me very happy and we're in love and Miu has Xilac and he does the same for her. In time we might hook up again but not now. I hope she understands that. I would not want her to leave Xilac for me. Especially not after she has finally found someone who makes her happy. Speaking of Xilac; he had better not cross my path. I know that his relationship with Miu has nothing to do with me but I do not like him. I know if we meet it will not fair well.

After I spoke to Miu about all of this I felt so much better. It was like a weight had been lifted. I still fear she doesn't quite understand what I meant though. I can only hope she does. I don't think I will be seeing her for a while. Our talk was nice. Stepping outside her house I felt relieved. The moon was out and full and for some reason it started to bother me. Usually it doesn't do anything but tonight it was like it captivated me.

Before I knew it I was in South City,... demolishing it. I then went on to destroy our house and the Capsul Corporation. I would have done more but Kakarott stopped me. Of course we had words. He kept asking me what I wanted from him and basically one thing led to nothing. We didn't fight but we did argue a bit. Then he took off saying he was leaving. At first I didn't think anything of it. He always says that. But as I said before I have become emotional in my old age and I ended up going to find him.

It is always calmer when we are alone. I do not have to put up a front and our talks are actually more deeper than most would think. He told me he was tired as I have been. We tossed the issue back and forth. He discussed taking his family and going away. I did not believe him and I still do not believe him but he always gives me that "look". I hate the look. Looking at Kakarott it was like I could see the pain in his eyes. He told me he wanted some friends. Some real friends that didn't just want him around because he protected them.

He said he was tired of this cycle and I don't blame him. I wish to leave it too. He did not want to turn his back on Earth because he has never done it before. I know how he feels. So many times I have wanted to run away from all my responsibilities and yet I force myself to stay here and follow them through. I can not believe Kakarott could ever feel that way but I could hear it in his voice; see it in his eyes. That tired feeling I continuously complain about from time to time. I just never though Kakarott would ever feel it too. I could not hold him here. He let me go on my trip so I must let him go now.

He says if he leaves he will not return. I can not say I won't miss him a great deal. I know I will. He is really the only friend I can truly depend on to be there for me no matter what the situation is. Whether he is against me or at my side he is always my friend. He asked me why I hated him one minute but then wanted to help him the next. I told him simply that I would always hate him but he is still my friend. He will always be my friend. I just hope he understands and realizes that...		  
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awake   
09:49am 02/06/2004
 
mood: drained
Through nightmares and the trauma of last night I woke up at day break. Emotionally drained I managed to stand up again. I don't care how many battles I ever go through; nothing is worse than having to go through an emotional one. Last night I could have died and no one would have stopped me. It almost felt right but somehow it did not happen. I don't really feel here today. I caught up with Craft but we haven't said much to each other. Perhaps he went through a bad spell of his own last night but I wouldn't know nor will I ask.

I'm tired. The rest I got was no rest at all. More like blind sleep; something to do to pass the time carrying no purpose. This thing Craft is searching for, he says we'll see it today. I'm too drained out to care for some reason though. I hate it when I go through those spells because then I go for days without another emotion. In a way it's good but then again it's not. Eh,.. at least no one is ever around to see it when it happens,.. I don't know what I would do then.		  
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Hate   
12:29am 02/06/2004
 
mood: broken
The closer we get to whatever this thing is suppose to be the more angrier I seem to become. Craft says that's what will happen. He reminded me to get it all out of my system before we actually got there or else I might go beserk. Of coures he's not all happy either. We've fought the entire afternoon over the most stupid meaningless things. It's not either of our faults; something about this thing pulls out the anger in people.

But anyway,.. I went away from him tonight. I had to get some anger out of my system. Of coures I'm tired but I've been pacing like crazy. Everything just makes me angry. More and more each time I open my eyes I hate everything that has happened. It was like everything resurfaced; everything I tried to rid myself of suddenly appeared again. That was when it hit me... I realized that no matter how far away I run the problem will still exist; it will always exist and it will always be here following me around. The problem wasn't everyone else; the problem was me.

I knew it was all along but I didn't want to believe it. I refused to let myself be wrong. I wanted to find fault in everyone else; in everything else... but it was really all my fault. Everything that happened was because of my bad decisions. I hate it,.. I hate that I was wrong. It was such a crushing blow to my pride. It all just hit me at once.

Like daggers stabbing into me before I knew it I was one the ground. I couldn't do it anymore,.. I couldn't force myself to get up anymore. I just lay there staring off to the side. What have I done? I've ruined my entire life and then started it all over again. The pain just rips through me like claws; and for once in my life I can't find one reason to get back up now. I just wish ..........		  
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Craft Trouble   
03:04am 01/06/2004
 
mood: amused
I swear I am going to kill him. As soon as we landed here he has done nothing but get us into more trouble. We argued for several hours only after he tried to scam me into paying for his meal and mine. So now we're god knows where. I am trying not to use my Saiyan abilities. I don't want anyone to know about it. So far I've done a pretty good job. Craft knows but no one else and he had to know; after all I wasn't going to die on the last planet because of him.

I'm tired, I'm covered in dirt, blood and sweat but for some reason I'm not as angry as I should be. I think I missed this. When I was with Nappa a long time ago all we ever did was go from planet to planet causing trouble; of course our trouble was more destructive but this is just as fun. I am starting to get more homesick but I also feel the need to do more damage; get it all out of my system.

I think right now I just miss Kakarott. Craft is a good fight but he is no saiyan. I just miss the fighting; kami do I miss the fighting. What I wouldn't give to pound the shit out of Kakarott just for the heck of it. Right now we're heading off on another mission. Well, in the morning anyway. Craft needs to find something and since I'm now wanted on this planet and our ship has been repoed I am not leaving him until he fixes it all. He assures me he will but if he doesn't in the next couple of days.. I will kill him.		  
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meeting new people   
12:56pm 31/05/2004
 
mood: contemplative
I was actually going to come back to Earth but now my plans have changed. Yesterday I started to get a little homesick but then I met someone. As I was sitting in the bar a guy sat down beside me. He started to tell me about himself like I cared but anyway he told me he was a criminal. I didn't believe him. That started a whole escapade of him proving it and he said he would if I would help. I agreed (like a moron). The end result has us both blinded and tied up to a tree. It is very complicated but after a few fights, missles and evading the police I woke up on my ship; Craft (the guy) having brought me back to it and escaping with it off to the stars.

He's not very smart when it comes to common sense but I will give him his props; he can defend himself and he can get out of any situation. But anyway he is flying the ship to another planet to drop himself off. I guess since I was out I will allow it. But once he's gone I think I will go back home. I kind of miss Anna,...		  
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Better?   
12:28pm 28/05/2004
 
mood: exhausted
Today has been calm. I've been doing a lot of thinking but it's not bothering me as much as it usually does. Out here I've just had lots of time to reflect and now since I'm so far away I can actually do it without all the pressure. I'm surprised Kakarott hasn't shown up but then again he did let me go. I felt like such a child, having to ask permission to leave. But if I didn't that baka would have hunted me down and dragged me back so quick...

The best thing about space, about being alone is the silence. I could just sit with my eyes closed forever like that. I try to think that perhaps I should return soon but it's not time yet. I know I'll go back there; but I can't pull myself to do it right now. I need more time. And it's not even the issue anymore of who I want to be with.. I don't think it ever really was.

I think I just needed time away from it all so I could rest my mind. I would have brought Anna with me but I need the time away from her too. It's not her per say but the situation surrounding it all. I hope she's doing okay with out me. I'm pretty sure she's either really mad or she's doing something crazy to herself. I hate when she punishes herself as a means to make me do things. Like one time when I wasn't eating she then said she would not eat either. Thus, I had to force myself to eat something so she would.

I just can't think of that right now.. .. I need to find a place for myself. Find a place where I can be calm. I can't use the GR anymore since it's broken. I really don't train at all anymore now that I think about it. I just never had the time to do it. Something was always happening or something always prevented me from it. Oh well,..		  
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Lots to think about   
02:27pm 27/05/2004
 
mood: calm
I slept well last night. Spend the majority of it staring out at the stars. I feel more in control now; my mind is at ease knowing that I now control the table. I don't really care about what is going on at Earth; who misses me, who doesn't. I can't afford to. My mind feels so on the verge of insanity everytime I try to think about it that it's best if I just not think about it at all.

I'm actually waiting for someone to show up and take me back to Earth. I thought about that but if that happened I would probably just snap. Ever since I've landed on that planet I've always been confined to it. I can't run away and I hate that. I'm not one to care about other things; other people or their problems but as the years when on it was like I was suddenly expected to. I know that I had to take care of Trunks and Bura when Bulma passed away but it's not in my nature to care. Once they started growing up I was so relieved because I no longer had to be that soft hearted joke that always got trampled on.

But then I fucked up and Takai was born and I found myself having to stay in that spot that I hated longer. They even build me a house so I would be forced to reside on that planet. I hate that house. It is a prison to me. It keeps me there. They put a gravity room in it like that is something that is going to keep me occupied to get my mind of what I want. Speaking of, how come no one ever asks that? How come no one ever asked me what I wanted WITHOUT trying to sway my decision? Like they say, "Well, if that is what you want then I can go away and never see you again,.. is that what you want?" ... whatever happened to, "What do YOU want Vegeta?" and nothing else.. no stupid side comments, no guilt trips.

I hate relationships. I don't think I ever understood them and right now I don't want to. Ever since Bulma let and I and got involved with Miu it has just been one hell for me. Ever since I married Anna I haven't laughed or smiled unless I forced myself to. Everything since that point with Miu just killed the sense of happiness that I knew existed; the little amount that did exist anyway. I don't blame Miu for it because I know it's my own fault but as I look at everything that happen and it's just not good. It was just one thing after another..

1. I cheated on Bulma with Miu so Bulma walked out. Emotional damage and broken pride never hit so hard...

2. I went out with Miu but I was still deeply wounded and in love with Bulma. Then Bulma died without me ever really getting to fix any of that..

3. Miu and Goken played a joke on me about her being pregnant with his kid which basically shattered the entire relationship I had with her,...

4. I forced myself to stay with Miu for a bit but during this time Trunks was constantly fighting with me over his mother's death and out "father/son" relationship basically started to crash into the ground.

5. I left Miu only to find out she picked up another guy like I was nothing to her.

6. I found Anna and stole her from my son; got her pregnant and in order to soothe that I married her so she wouldn't do any damage to herself or the baby.

7. That killed the relationship between Trunks and I.

8. Baby was born, Miu and Trunks starting fighting and they broke up so he was now broken and I had to try to fix that because I can not have my son unhappy.

9. Stress puts me on medication which Kakarott yells at me for taking so I stop taking it to appease him... which makes it worse...

10. All that stress builds and I end up in the hospital. Not once did Anna come visit me. Only after I left it did she show up.

I could keep going but the list is never-ending and it never stops. I feel so much better out here,..		  
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Lost   
12:36am 27/05/2004
 
mood: depressed
I left last night,... I went to another planet and traded the space pod Trunks gave me for another ship. As I stare out into the stars my heart just breaks in half continuously. I spent the last hours yelling about every little thing that drove me crazy about Earth; about my life. I just,.. I had to leave. I had to. Everything is just wrong now. I can't remember the last time I actually laughed; the last time I smiled a genuine smile. I hate how I've changed. Even Kakarott told me I was not the same as I once was.

I just bended so many ways to make Anna happy. I did it for everyone. I realize as I sit here staring out at the stars that I've never really made a sound decision in my relationship. The thing with Bulma was different than anything else I've ever been in. She didn't need me for anything and I didn't need her. We could both leave each other if we wanted to but we didn't. The thing with Miu, the thing with Anna,.. they constantly told me they needed me. Anna even went so far as to tell me one time that she would kill herself if I ever left her.

I guess I just let that pressure force me into getting into these relationships. I wanted Miu to be happy but whenever we were together it felt like she just wanted me to have sex with her; that she only wanted intimacy. She was always try to serve me and please me but she was always around. Anna,.. she always let me make my decisions but she would pour so much guilt on me when I didn't make the one she wanted that I eventually forced myself to do what she wanted. I hated the fact that I didn't recognize myself anymore. I hated being forced to do what everyone else wanted. When I'm in those relationships not once did I ever say "we're doing it my way and you'll deal with it or get out." It was always, "whatever you want.."

Everytime I think about Anna or Miu I just get so angry. And the more I think about them the more and more I don't want to ever return to Earth. I feel like Miu betrayed me and Anna,.. well, I feel like she's forcing me to stay with her. I just want to go as far away as I can and then I want to go even farther than that. The pressure is just enormous. I know when Anna realizes I'm gone she will leave. There is no doubt in my mind she will leave. I don't blame her,...

Other than the emotional damage raging inside of me I know that my son and my daughter will be okay. They have someone they love, they are happy. It will go well with them. Seems like for once,.. they didn't follow in their father's footsteps.		  
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Sleep Deprived   
10:21am 24/05/2004
 
mood: tired
The weekend went by so quickly that now I don't want to leave. I had a weird dream last night. Everything I knew once before surfaced into my conscious thought. I remembered Bulma; how she used to be. How we used to argue and make up. I remember the day she said it was "over".The day I actually broke myself down, got on my knees and begged her not to leave only to see her walk out anyway. I also dreamed about Miu and how she was always "there". She always made me laugh and in my dream I started to think. For some reason I couldn't remember a time when Anna made me laugh. I smiled around her but I don't ever remember laughing. I can't remember.

I also found myself confined as if in a glass box. I can see the rest of the world before me but I can reach out to it. If I try to escape I get dragged back. I have this nightmare more and more where I'm in some sort of trap. I am beaten and unable to defend myself for some reason. I take all the beatings; the pain is immense and the blood just pours onto the floor. Eventually I end up so beaten I can no longer move. I just lay there, listening to my ragged breathing and praying for someone to come save me.

Why doesn't anyone come and help me? I realized the other night that no matter how much I try I will never be able to attain the freedom I constantly seek. Ever since I landed here I feel as if I've been trapped. If I try to do things my way I am stopped by Kakarott or my son or one of Kakarott's sons. If I run away then they follow me or my own guilt will eat at me. I told Anna the other night that no matter how far away I go someone will always show up and drag me back here. I don't believe I will ever be able to get far enough away from this place. I am so trapped by everything around me. I can't help it if I sometimes lose it.

I feel myself grow weaker each day. I broke down in front of Anna Friday night and I don't even know why. Everything is just eating at me. I never really let go of Bulma but I am excellent at hiding it. It doesn't bother me as much but it still bothers me. I just can't forget what she meant to me. The same goes for Miu. I know what I said to her, about her. Still, when I was with her she made me happy. I remember all the times we'd lay in the backyard. I remember looking down into her eyes; hearing her promise that she'd never leave, that she'd always be there for me. I feel the pain of lying to her, cheating on her.

And how could I forget what I've done to my son? How much I've hurt him. I slept with his girlfriend. I made her pregnant. All the pain he's seen because of me. I ruined his life. I ruined his house and didn't offer to rebuild it. I've ruined his life so many times. I don't blame him for not telling me about Bria; for marrying her and not saying a word about it to me until it was already done. He deserved to return the gift, the medallion, I made for him. He deserved it but he should have received it from someone who actually cared about him.

Bura, I've treated no better. Yelled at her, condoned her from seeing Goten. I denounced their relationship to the point where they had to do it all behind my back. And she didn't even bother to tell me she was pregnant or that it was twins. She hasn't spoken to me since she found out. I suppose I don't deserve to know anyway.

And I can't even get into Anna. I mean look at all I've done to her. I don't blame her for considering to leave me. I've treated her so poorly. I accused her of cheating on me, I told her I didn't love her at times or that I was unsure. I implied that she was a mistake at times and even thought about leaving her...

There are just so many things that continue to drag me down. I don't know what to do anymore but everytime I don't think I can take much more someone or something pours more down onto me. The pressure is enormous. I often have this vision that my wounded, beaten self is in a nice bed, covered up just laying there. I'm not moving at all but that's okay because I'm so comfortable. My mind isn't even tired anymore but at ease. I am so happy in that spot. There is a woman there as well but I never see her or know who she is. I just know she's there softly running her fingers through my hair which seems to soothe me even further. Of course,.. I always wake up when I get peaceful like that.. I wish,... ... I wish someday I would wake up and realize I'm not sleeping...		  
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Insanity   
01:09am 22/05/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: Burn - Usher
I feel like I'm going out of my mind... Jack says I am stressed. I told him I am not. He doesn't believe me though. I tried to relax but I can't. I pace, I stand and I sit. I'm not comfortable anywhere. I feel like running away and never coming back. Just drop what I'm doing and just go. Go far far far far away. Somewhere where no one can find me. Somewhere where I can forget everything and everyone; just let it all go..

Last night I saw my son. He is alive and married now. How am I suppose to react. He just showed up and Bria shoved her hand in my face. It ... it wasn't a bad thing but it just happened so fast. Does he even know her that well? I certainly know nothing about her other than she is Yume's friend or something...

After that I just could not deal with it. I had to get out of there. I took off and went to tell Bulma. I can't believe I broke down. I didn't mean to and I'm usually so good with hidden emotion but sitting there at her grave, ... ... tears just flooded. I am just so drained and tired and emotionally unstable at the moment. I went to the beach where Yume and Jack are building their house and I just lay there.

Anna accuses me of sleeping around; my son is married to someone I don't know, my daughter is having twins but wouldn't bother to call and tell me, my friend is dating someone and isn't allowed to speak to me without someone else present... .. and yet I am suppose to be okay with all of this. No one ever asked me what I thought... and when they do they don't seem to listen. I swear, if someone else brings up one more thing that takes me by surprise..... ....... I will lose it. I am on the verge of just going insane. I just want to pull out my hair, blow everything up but then there is another part of me that just wants to sit on the ground, broken, torn apart and ... hurt... and just lay there wounded.

It is so hard... .. to ... be like this. I have no one to confide in that would actually listen to me. ... but even if there was someone I would not be able to tell them anything. I miss Kitarro. He could read my mind... so I never had to tell him anything... he already knew... ... .		  
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on the sand   
12:46am 21/05/2004
 
mood: lost
I sit here; a thousand things run through my mind. Mostly what is going on with me. I helped Jack start the foundation on the house for him and Yume today. He is so happy with her... it makes me wonder what or if I have missed something. I love Anna but I can't seem to let go of Miu.

Everything about Miu contradicts every reason I went for Anna in the first place. I don't know what to think anymore but everytime she finds someone new I feel my blood boil with envy. I can treat her so much better; I could be that guy she hangs on and wants to be with. It drives me insane how I am pushed out of her mind. It's my fault and I hate the decisions I have made sometimes. If Anna had not been pregnant chances were I would be with Miu. I couldn't talk to Jack.. I can't really talk to anyone about it. I'm sitting here on the sand and as I pick it up, the wind gently slips it through my fingers.

It is like I see my life,.. all my mistakes and they just blow away in the wind. I know I can not be with Miu. I understand that. But part of me wants to show up at her door and beg her to run away with me. I know it's too late for that though. She is happy now.. I hear it from her lips. It crushes my heart but I ... I pull it together and try to maintain that usual demeanor. She knows I'm jealous. I didn't have to tell her but I did. Of course everyone could probably tell anyway...

I don't think I'm going home tonight...
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Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain?t the same by myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long
It's been eleven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)
- Usher (Burn)		  
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ugh   
11:55pm 17/05/2004
 
mood: pain
I have the worst headache in history... >		  
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All About Anna   
10:39pm 16/05/2004
 
mood: guilty
Well the woman has been gone all day and I'm starting to worry. I wonder what she is up to. She really was upset last night. I went out today and bought her something in hopes to make her feel better. I have no idea if she'll like it though and I feel like a complete idiot buying it.

The people at the store were all smiling and everything when I asked if they had it in Anna's size. I probably turned that shade of red that she always thinks is so cute but I was not trying to be cute that time. Anyway,.. I just hope she enjoys it.		  
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Again?   
10:34am 16/05/2004
 
mood: irritated
If there is one thing I do not like it is to see my woman cry. For some reason or another things were going fine until Jack and Yume showed up. I was actually having a little fun with Anna, arguing playfully and what not when that idiot doctor and Yume showed up. Of course the woman invited them in so I went downstairs to find something better to do.

Well eventually everyone started showing up as that usually happens on Saturday night. I hate it sometimes. How can I spend any time with my woman when there is a house full of people. Luckily Takai did not wake or else we would have have a screaming child as well. But as they usually do when there is a group, good goes to bad, goes to worse... and then Kakarott shows up and fucked everything up.

He found a box in the closet that Anna had been keeping some secret things in and then made it his business to announce it to everyone. Some of those items just made me so embarrassed that I threw the entire box in the trash. Yume and I got into an arguement about it as she left and then Kakarott took off soon after. Then the woman went and locked her in the bathroom and started crying!

I had to coax her out. I don't think I have ever see Anna.. .. cry. Well, not like this anyway. She was upset and not only now did I have that embarrassement but now I was also filled with guilt. So I had to try and convince her that she did not need the stuff in that box and that I liked her for her.. blah blah blah.

I fell asleep with her completely not as I had planned. I swear to kami I hate guests.. they always ruin my moments!		  
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Trunks   
10:40am 14/05/2004
 
mood: thoughtful
When I first learned Trunks was going to be born I was in quite a shock. Never before had I thought that I would be stupid enough to have gotten someone pregnant. At first I wasn't even sure if the woman was telling me the truth or just lying to me. But at the time I also was so concerned with myself that I didn't care whether she was lying to me or not.

He was born and I wasn't around. I remember when I saw him for the first time. He was a little fat baby and the woman yelled when I told her that. I figured it was because he was lazy but at the same time I didn't care either because once again I had something more important to do than to worry about some stupid brat kid. ... ... then he grew up.

And for some reason he wouldn't go away. When he was five he would watch me from inside the kitchen whenever I was training outside and when he was 8 he would actually go into the Gravity Room and train with me. I remember the first time I hit him. It was on accident and for the first 5 seconds of it I was in shock about it. The only thing I could thing of was "oh kami, what have I done?!" when he flew back on the ground. His eyes started to water as he rubbed his cheek. So to make ammends I took him to the park that afternoon. It changed after that. I soon found that he had touched me somehow. I do not know why but this mistake that I thought I had made suddenly did not seem bad at all.

Then Buu came. For the first time in my life when I was laying there and he was shaking me I remember waking up from that semi-unconsciousness and seeing him. He was scared as he was shaking me. He probably would have started crying if I had not waken up when I did. His face lit up when he saw me awake. I knew I had to try something. At the time it was the only thing I could think to do. He didn't understand, I could tell. He questioned why I would ask him to take care of his mother; he felt embarrassed when I hugged him. He looked up to me and he was confused...

As he grew up and thing quieted he stayed gone more. The woman assured me that that was perfectly normal for children but I thought he should be devoting more time to training rather than "goofing off". Bura was born but nothing really changed; and then Bulma died. Trunks blamed not so because she was dead but because I did not try 100% to save her. At the time he felt that anyway. I know that is not what he truly meant though.

From then on our relationship between father and son went away. We no longer spoke as much and if we did it was just a "hello". I watched him grow up in silence wondering how I could make it better but making it worse everytime I tried to make it better. I told him I would always be there for him but I don't think he wanted me around at all. He went out and did his own thing; never bothered to give me any information about anything and acted as if I did not care for him.

I think the proudest moment of my life was during the battle with that slime Goken. For the first time Trunks actually defended the entire Saiyan race. He called himself the Prince and took it upon himself to destroy Goken so that I would not stain my own hands with slime. After that he smiled again and from then on everytime I spoke to him he seemed happy.

When he was happy then I was happy. I only wanted the best for him. Then the other night I was awoken and taken to him immediately. It still felt like I was in a dream. He was lying on the ground and holding a dying child in your arms;.. .. it... touches you. If no one had been around I probably wouldn't have lost it right then and there. To see him in that pain and hear Kakarott go on about "nothing he could do" ... ...

I am not depressed or sad. I am not in shock and I do not feel guilty. I would rather kill my son than have his life taken in victory by another. I know he understands this so there is no guilt on my part. But it does not matter if I killed him or not. The truth still remains that he is dead. And I do not care if they are bringing him back to life,..right now,..he is dead. I am not mourning but I have been thinking. He came to visit me last night and he was confused.

I want to tell him what to do but for once I told him I could not. I can not make the decision for him to come back to this planet. While standing there, taking his last breath he stated his misery very plain and clear and for me to order him to return to Earth,.. well I just can not do that. I can not decide something that I feel is best if it makes him feel worse. I told him whatever he decides I will support it. Even if that isn't coming back... he is probably better off up there anyway. It might be lonely but at least there is no one to hurt him...		  
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01:53pm 13/05/2004
 
mood: depressed
For the first time in a long time I have been training and I can't stop. I can't pull myself out of this room to do anything; no eating, no resting. I just can not place what I have done. I know it was for good reason; I do not question that.

My son though for the first time I actually realized how much he is like his father. Countless times I spent teaching him not to be and he did it anyway. The only difference is he actually had someone to fulfill his wishes. Oh the times I would cry out for someone to take my life away from this pain and no one would. And Trunks cries out and I do it immediately.

I could not stand him to be like this. I swear if I ever see Jack again I will kill him without question....		  
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blue squids   
12:40am 13/05/2004
 
mood: exhausted
Today was horrible. Okay it wasn't horrible until I got to work. I hate it there so much. I was so tired by the time I got out of there that I didn't even stop to get anything to eat. I just came home and crashed on the couch. Anna will probably yell because I'm covered in hydraulic oil and I'm sitting on our nice furniture... eh,.. I don't care. Every muscle in my back hurts. Where is Miu when you need her?

I remember "back in the day" I used to come home from work and she would give me nice massages. True, Anna is not always home for me when I am but she's busy training for a tournament Friday. Eh,.. I don't see why she is bothering.. it's a waste to go to those things. She will just win and that is not even a good challenge! Well whatever, she wants to pay for that outrageous bill she has.. so I guess it's good for her.

Ugh, I'm so tired...		  
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things that happen   
09:26am 12/05/2004
 
mood: tired
I finally got around to giving Anna her gift that I had been saving forever for. I was going to wait til our anniversary but I decided what the heck. She was so happy ... ... at first. Gah the woman asks way too many questions and before I knew it she was doubting whether I could remember our anniversary or not!

After that I went to work. It sucked as usual. They had me run 4 machines and though they said they would help me they did not. I was pissed off too because there was a guy at the machine that I got yelled at the other day. He kept getting up and walking around. Did they say anything to him? Nooo. They hate me there and I just despise that. The supervisor came over and tried to tell me I was doing something wrong; bitch! I think I know more about this shit than you do! Ugh she pissed me off so badly. Then she clogged up one of the grinding machines so guess who had to fix that?! >< I swear they better stop yelling at me for shit I didn't even do!

At least Anna came to visit me. That kept me from flying off the hinges when she broke that machine. The woman really is good for something. I think she is probably one of the few that could keep me from killing someone in that place. Anyway, I came home tired and really hungry. I sat down on the couch to rest for a few minutes but I fell asleep instead. Next thing I knew Anna was waking me up at 2:30am telling me to go to bed. We talked for a bit and that lead to me not being compassionate for Kakarott.. go figure; the woman is weird.

Trunks showed up but I was too tired to deal with it so I went to bed and left him and Anna to talk. I'm still tired but today I am spending time with Takai.. maybe we will have a "nap" time. *smirks*		  
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vegetasama
 
 
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