Fire Fest   
11:33pm 25/07/2004
 
mood: amused
Over the weekend Yume and Anna came over to visit. It was the best thing I think I have done in a long time. I actually spent all night Friday cleaning; I only got about 3 hours of sleep on and off. Yume showed up first with Trunks. I was introduced as "Veggie-sama" ... not sure what I think about that but at least it was something.

Then the woman showed up. I could not believe what she did but she actually waited on me all the time. We talked for a few hours then we drove down to the lake. After that we sat around down there. I think I was a little out of it but it doesn't take much considering Saiyan senses are a little less tolerant to alcoholic products. I probably would have done Saiya Vegeta... .. but I didn't have the cape.

Anyway, Yume and Trunks had to go to sleep so then Anna and I spent all night outside on the screened-in porch. We just sat there on the couch and talked about everything. I know I should be more hard pressed and cold but fatigue and drink had me worn down so I was more relaxed than usual; that and the fact that she would do anything I ordered.

I still get a kick out of that. Then Sunday came; we watched some movies. I showed Yume, "The Transporter" so she could get a feel for Jack, the maniac's, driving skills. I can't tell whether she was impressed or like, "yeah, whatever." By this time I had only had 3 hours of sleep over a 48 hour period so I was not really there. I guess they could tell because instead of being loud and annoying I was more quiet.

I drove home but it was hard staying awake. I think Anna was tired too. When we got back to my house Yume had to leave. Then it was just me and Anna. I thought maybe she was just doing the cleaning thing because Yume was there but no. She was still waiting on me. I guess I started to get a little guilt because I offered to fix her some food. I ordered us pizza and we ate. Then we both decided we really needed to sleep so we both went to bed. She woke up before me and cleaned up the dishes a little bit..

It's... not a bad feeling having her around... ... I almost enjoy it.		  
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worse.. and worse   
12:19pm 18/07/2004
  Could I not be any more of an idiot? I feel completely useless almost to the point of leaving Anna only because it is better for her. What was a wonderful dream for me is now nothing more than yet another horrible nightmare. I don't know what to do but I think I understand things a little more clearer.. it's just going to take a lot of fighting back pride to say the words that need to be said.  
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01:19am 15/07/2004
 
mood: depressed
I tired of trying.. ...

Through burning eyes I stand alone on this cliff with the realization that this is how it is. I hate it so much to think that I have been cursed like this. To spend the rest of my eternity being stepped on by everyone and everything around me because I'm not good enough. To have to live out my life in constant failure knowing that it will never get any better.

I'm tired of coming to this dump. To hear my stomach growl for days on end and not be able to make it stop. I'm tired of working so hard to make pennies. I'm tired of scraping the bottom to get the crumbs. I'm tired of people taking advantage of me; using me, using my place, my things.

I am so tired of being like this. Being hated by everyone. Being told I don't care and so in return I am not cared for. I hear all these people complain to me about their love lifes, their families... at least they have someone there for them. It might be hard for them but at least they have someone. I don't have anyone. ... .. to come home to emptyness,.. to sleep with silence,.. to wake up with nothing,...

I just wish ... .. I just,... ..		  
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08:11pm 11/07/2004
 
mood: contemplative
Sometimes I wonder why I still exist. I am not very well liked or supported in any efforts that I do. The only real support I ever receive is from my internet friends. Of course to everyone else here they are nothing more than fake things that I have made up to believe are my friends. Sometimes I question that too but if they were not my friends then I know that they would never send me things or put up with me like they do. So they must be more than aquaintances at least.

While I am liked by them it is not really what I want. What I want is to be socially excepted for who I am among the simplest things such as my own family. They do not care that I work very hard and everything I own I have broken sweat to get. They do not care if I go to a school to further my education and sometimes have insisted that I just stop and "grow up". They criticize me for the way I look, my hair is too short, my jeans are too baggy or long, I am fat, they do not like my teeth. And yet after receiving such compliments from them they often wonder why I do not like to spend time with them or why I prefer to stay at my own home away from them.

The extended family is not much better. They tell me I am not godly enough because I have not been on mission trips and I do not attend church every sunday and wednesday and because I am not a participant in any church affairs. They say that I do not work hard enough and that when I complain about work their attitude is that it is good for me because I'm finally doing something.

Why can't I have a family that accepts me for who I am? I imagine it would be much more enjoyable to go to their outings and I know I would not be so depressed all the time. I think about my cousins and I know they do not get depressed over being lonely. They would cry over the loss of a boyfriend or a family member but never just because they have no one to be there for them and tell them they are doing a good job. There is no one to tell me that and I have not heard it in such a long time. I wish someone would tell me how proud they are of me once in a while. I wish someone would give me some confidence every now and then.

Perhaps this is why I cling to this internet family. I realize that here I say I need no one but perhaps I am the one that needs everyone most of all. It is sad to say that they might never truly know that. I never plan to tell them for that is not how I am. But I don't really think I will have to anyway,.. I am sure they already know..		  
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04:45am 11/07/2004
 
mood: aggravated
Why is it that the once simple things of life and no longer all that simple? Have I really become a slave to this world inhabited by mere mortals and humans? Surely this is not the fate of the Saiyan Prince but the more I look around me the more I see myself becoming enclosed in a sphere; a cage, unable to free myself.

It is like it has been once again. I am so angry inside it is eating me alive. The agitation of having to deal with such idiots. Surrounded by those that wish to control me and allowing myself to be controlled just makes me sick. Before I did not bow to anyone and now it is like I bow and bend to everyone that crosses my path. What has happened to me?!

I feel as if I no longer belong to myself but instead I have fallen into the possession of everyone else so that they may use me and beat me down until I am half dead; regenerate and heal me and do it all over again. Why must it be like this?! Why must every day of my life be as if it was a day as a slave? Where is my refuge? My sanctuary? It seems I have lost my way...		  
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Lonely   
05:28pm 10/07/2004
 
mood: lonely
I do not know what to say or where to begin. Every day I stand in this gravity chamber to try and beat an opponent that does not exist. My own mind would even have me believe that I am the enemy of thousands these days. It seems as if the world can not give me peace; it is in constant turmoil.

What am I to do with Miu. She came to me the other day and announced she was making a decision. I do not know why should would come to me with this information. Was it to rub it in my face that she has become happy and no longer needs me? I am sure that Xilac provides enough for her. She does not even see me these days unless she has something to say regarding him. It is so sickening but not uncommon. I see myself in this spot time and time again. Come close to someone only to have them disappear without a trace. Of course later on this becomes your fault and I have learned to accept such blame. I am blamed for everything so it seems so this should be no different.

I suppose my time with Miu is now over. I told her good bye the other day and I do not expect her to come back again. I know she would not put up with me nor would she wait for me. I do not blame her for leaving and I can not say that I hold it against her. Perhaps this is why I am with Anna. I know she will wait an eternity for me. Even if I was not with her I know she would.. I could go to the far ends of the universe and never return; fight battles and fail and Anna would still be here waiting.

This is why I care for her so. She actually puts up with me. Though a thousand men may seek her hand I know she would never give into them. Speaking of,.. I have become quite lonely again. I go to the island but Anna is not there when I am. It seems as if things are as they were with Bulma. Always waiting for each other but never crossing paths to actually see each other. I miss her though... there is not much more to say than that...		  
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alone   
08:50pm 04/07/2004
 
mood: depressed
I'm feeling a little lonely today. I haven't seen Anna all day and there really hasn't been anyone around to share my presence with. It's kind of quiet...usually I like that but I guess today I just wanted someone to sit down and be with.

I keep telling myself to get over it. I will eventually. It's just difficult sometimes to talk myself back into that "cold" mode when every now and then all I want to do is just be with someone. ... oh well,.. I guess I'll get over it.		  
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Eh   
03:36pm 03/07/2004
 
mood: calm
I'm doing alright. Been training more and more lately. Things are just quiet right now. There is nothing really extreme going on and no one is in turmoil or deadly crisis. This is good. I like this,.. I wish it would stay like this for a long time. For once I'm actually getting a break from the mental anxiety that everyone seemed to have put me through for the longest time.

But anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking while I was training. Mostly about Miu. I know I was mean to her but I feel like I have to be. When she isn't around me I actually feel better. I guess I still have strong feelings for her that, of course, she will never hear. Sad really. I think I'm starting to get "okay" with the fact that she is with someone else. As long as I don't have to see her or hear about her and her.. .. mate, then I think I will be able to get over this a lot quicker.

She just meant so much to me. She was the first female after Bulma left me that was there for me. I still see her as mine even though she is not. Afterall I did claim her and even if she rids herself of the mark I still remember it being there, what it look like, where we were and what we were doing when it happened. You just don't forget things like that,... ... well I don't anyway. I am sure she has probably forgotten all about it by now.

Maybe because of the calm I have been able to accept more about this situation. I just hope she doesn't come find me and mess it up. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at her anymore without flying off the handle. Well, ... I'm not sure. I just need more time.

As for Anna, she is still there waiting for me. I don't know why she does sometimes. I haven't been the best person in the world to her and I know she can do so much better than me. It's almost sad that I think that about myself but what can I say? I know that I only focus on me. It's always been about "me". I do care about her but when it comes to myself I know that I hold myself higher than her. I try not to think that way but I can't help it.

I do go visit her, wait for her mostly. She never seems to be around when I show up and I hope she doesn't think that I have once again run away from her. Tomorrow is Takai's birthday. He'll be 5 months old. I can't believe that either. Everything is just moving on without me so it seems. I just hope they don't forget me...		  
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10:16am 29/06/2004
 
mood: aggravated
Aside from feel uterly useless things are going okay for me. I've been training non-stop since that whole ordeal with Kakarott. I paused a few times to go check up on Anna but other than that I haven't done shit. I don't even know why I bother trying to be the best. It's way too hard. Sometimes I just want to press "pause" and say 'that's it, I'm done.'

The only problem with giving up is that sooner or later my pride kicks in and gets the best of me and then I get angry with myself because I did give up. Or someone will approach me and lecture me over why I shouldn't give up. I am so tired of dealing with all this crap. And that is all that it is,.. crap.

I don't care what people think about me. I don't care about pleasing people or making them happy. I don't give a shit about people and their problems. Everyone is always at fault for their own problems and they need to stop bitching at me for them like it's my fault. I'm tired of hearing the same old bullshit of how I hurt someone or "this is your fault because"...

I'm tired of being put on guilt trips when people don't like what I say or how I do things. I'm tired of being the person that has to get fed all the emotional backlash from the mistakes I am trying to get over. I do not believe there is a single person out there that can possibly understand what I am going through. They say they do but I know they don't. Until they have spent 5 years putting up with hatred from parents, peers (both online and off), financial debt, suicide, and mental anguish they can not say "oh I know how that feels". Unless they have actually dealt with the badgering persistance of people telling them it's their fault why others have tried to kill themselves they can not possibly "feel" my mental anxiety.

And why is it that I get blamed for everything? It must be so easy to point a finger at me because I'm a complete ass. But here's a news flash for them, why the fuck do they continue to talk to me after I strictly tell them to "fuck off?" and then they further it by counter acting my statements and then wonder why I'm so pissed off. Or here's a good one, people that piss me off and then wonder how come I don't add them as "friends" or call them or want to do things with them. Sure, I don't have anything better to do but anything would be better than spending another waking moment with someone that disgusts me.

And the sad thing is that I am surrounded by these morons which I am forced to tolerate and will probably never get rid of. It just irritates me so much how a simple "I'm sorry" can not just be left at that anymore and instead turns into, "I'm sorry. I was having a bad day and blah blah," and guilt tripping me into feeling sorry for snapping in the first place. I'm tired of it. Fuck you all...		  
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tired   
01:06pm 25/06/2004
 
mood: frustrated
I am trying to get caught up with Kakarott. It's so tiring but I almost feel like I'm back in my normal place again. I did take a small break and visit Anna last night. I have tried to keep in mind that just because I am behind I still have responsibilities that I need to keep up with and being with Anna is one of them. I figure once I get caught up then everything will be fine.

It's just so tiring. I can't believe how weak I have become. I mean, ... it's pathetic. I could usually train for hours on end but now I find that I get tired a little too soon and I have to stop. At first I thought maybe it was nothing but while I was training yesterday I started thinking about it all and there could be many reasons why I'm so tired; operations, age, the fact that I don't take care of myself. There are a lot of things. Eh,.. oh well.		  
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UGH   
01:56pm 24/06/2004
 
mood: determined
I can not believe how weak I've become! What the hell have I been doing this entire time?! While I was getting more and more pathetic Kakarott had been training behind my back. I keep kicking myself for this. Even he says I'm weak now! KAKAROTT! OF ALL PEOPLE.

I know that I never surpassed him before but kami he doesn't have to be so blunt about it. I hate this. I hate how I let myself come to this. I was never like this before so why am I doing it now?! I just can't believe this. I keep telling myself how pathetic I am. I borrowed the GR at Capsul Corp and I am not coming out until I have trained myself back in shape.		  
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Fight   
02:20pm 23/06/2004
 
mood: tired
Last night I can't believe what happened. I had a scheduled fight with a new opponent. She was pretty good. It was tough actually. Towards the end I got so angry at my progress that I used my strength to change into ssj4. Bad mistake. I drained half of my energy and didn't get anything done. I remember staring at her as she prepared to "finish me". It was different but for once instead of thinking about dying with honor the only thing I wanted to do was power down and run away.

I remembered what Kakarott told me, about making my own decisions now. I remember staring at her and the only thing I could think about what that I couldn't die because if I did it would be 100 years before I would get to see Takai again. I wouldn't get to be with Anna. I couldn't allow myself to perish like that so I ran away.

I didn't even get that far before I hit the ground and just lay there. I couldn't go anywhere because my energy was too depleted so I ended up spending the night on the ground. It really wasn't that bad. What made it bad was the crushing blow I had to take to my pride because I ran away. I just.. I didn't have any other choice at the time. If I had stayed and fought I would have ended up killing myself.

Right now I don't want to talk about it. I didn't even want to go see Anna but I promised her so I showed up. I am so mad at myself. I just ... I don't know.		  
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Home   
10:57am 20/06/2004
 
mood: cold
I decided to go home today. When I got there the house was empty. It smells like it's been empty for a few days, the air is stale. I opened up some windows and turned on some fans. I thought maybe Anna just went out shopping or something but the feel of the house isn't the same. Then when I went into the kitchen I saw her note.

I pulled up a seat at the table and just sat there. I have a good feeling that this time she isn't coming home. I'm afraid to open the note and read it for fear of what it's going to tell me. I know that she cares about me but I also understand that if she needs to move on to make it better for her then by all means she should. I'm not going to go after her. I don't really deserve her.

So now I'm just sitting here. I'm not sure what I should do. I haven't eaten in two days so my stomach is telling me I'm hungry but I don't really have any motivation to cook anything right now. I guess I'll just sit here for a little while longer and think about things,...		  
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The End   
02:06pm 18/06/2004
 
mood: stressed
music: U Should've Known Better - Monica
I am tired. I always seem to put myself in these situations. I've been standing out here for a while thinking about everything that has happened in my life. It makes me wonder why I am still here. What is the point? I know Anna is home waiting for me. I should go home and see her but.. .. I'm scared I guess. I have messed up so much that I know if I return back to that life I will just make things worse for us. I know she understands that though; that's why she's still there waiting for me. Sometimes I wonder why she stays there and waits like she does. I guess our bond is a lot stronger than I think it is. I mean I have done horrible things to her and yet she still stays there and waits for me; she still tells me she loves me, she still wants to be with me. After everything I have done she still cares. I don't think I've ever known anyone like that. I know most other people would have been gone by now so I should take care of her. I guess it scares me that there is someone out there that cares so much about me. I am never been in that spot before and now that I am, I am not sure what to do about; so I run away from it.

I remember when we first started dating I would make her dinner every night and sit and wait for her and she wouldn't come home. I guess now I'm doing that same thing. I just can't help it. I've hurt her so much I don't want to do it again. I really do care about her. She and Takai mean so much to me but I feel like I'm stuck in a rut or something. I fight, I train to fight, that is what I do. Why is there no one that understands that? Why does everyone assume there is a problem with me when I stay gone? I was never one for being in crowds or multiple company. I am just not the type but no one understands that. They all want me to do these things. I realize that once I started to express my emotions to people all they wanted was for me to be more and more open; I am not that way. And once they knew about how I felt they tried to use it all against me. It was a bad idea to ever say anything.

I should have just kept my mouth shut. Which is what I think I'm going to do from now on. The less I give them, the less they can hurt me. I'm still waiting for someone to show up and tell me to go home. I almost want it to happen that way but I know it won't. For some reason, everyone is leaving me alone this time. It's hard to go on after everything that has happened. And then tack on more and more each time. Last night Goken actually showed up to talk to me again; basically to attack me for things I have no clue in. I told him to take whatever I gave him and just take care of it. He seems to have stolen those that I once held close to me and then he shows up to rub it in my face. It's okay though; I am trying not to let that get to me. I'm a Saiyan.. ... we don't need anyone. We are suppose to be alone and that is how it has been for me and how it continues to be. I don't want it to be like that but I can't help it.

I wish things were okay. I wish things didn't have to hurt so much. I wish there was someone around to listen to me; someone that I would actually open up and tell things to. Everyone is always so right about me but I can't help it. Everytime I try to be the good guy and help I get a horrible back lash from it. I don't think I can go home anymore... if I saw Anna and Takai I can only see how miserable they are... how badly I caused all that. I was right about being a bad father... I am a bad father. Takai is going to grow up never knowing me and as much as I don't want to think about that it just feels like it's the right thing to do. Why cause more pain?		  
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Training with Death   
02:02pm 17/06/2004
 
mood: calm
I spent the entire day yesterday doing the one thing I haven't done in a very long time. Train. It felt good to actually get out there and exercise again. Anna says that Kakarott gave us permission to leave. That baka. I hate him so much. All those nightmares about him plagued into reality the other day. I keep having nightmares where he shows up and says I'm not doing a good job being a father. He then goes on and takes away Takai, Trunks, and Bura. He's too fast and he uses that instant transmission so I can't keep up with him.

As I stood out there yesterday in the desert I heard that laughter in my head. Usually it's screaming or taunting laughter but this was that wicked laughter that fuels my emotions and keeps me going on. It was wonderful! Later on Raze showed up but like a little chicken he couldn't handle it so he ended up leaving just before I killed him. From a distant it probably looked like I claimed victory but I know him; he is like me. And I wouldn't give up if I was on my last leg and I know he didn't either. I don't know where he went though; his ki is too weak to detect.

It feels good to be out here fighting again. Lately I've been so restless that it's been eating at me so it was good to get out there and pound the shit out of something...		  
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exhausted   
12:07pm 14/06/2004
 
mood: exhausted
I've been staying at CC for the past few days. I can not sleep at home. It really has nothing to do with Anna (of course it never does) but I just fear that I will mess up again. Lately I've been so prone to making mistakes that I don't want to be around her and hurt her again. I also found that I can't sleep there either. I tried but it just doesn't work. I keep having nightmares or I just toss and turn and can't fall asleep.

I think my nerves are just shattered from everything that has happened and it's very hard to fix. The thing I hate is that I usually can handle everything that is thrown at me but this time I'm having a hard time doing it. I haven't trained in weeks because of it. I can't. I know if I start I wouldn't stop for days and I'm too exhausted to try. Which also doesn't help me mentally since I'm starting to realize my age. Ugh, this is so ridiculous!

I can talk myself up and I can talk myself out of things but everytime I regain my confidence I get slammed back down into the ground. It's crippling me, it really is. And I hate it. I hate it so much...		  
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happy?   
02:06pm 12/06/2004
 
mood: restless
I gave Kakarott my ultimatum last night. I was scared I would have to actually kill myself because of his defiance but he showed up and low and behold Takai came back to us..

So why am I unhappy? I think it's because I had to do it that way in order to get what I want. I don't know. I'm not suicidal but the thought is still hovering. It's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. So much bad shit has happened lately that I can not be happy right now for fear that in the next moment, hour or day something worse will take place.

Not only that but Kakarott, as usual, pounded me with guilt regarding my betrayal to him. I know I have never been one to let what he says affect me so why does it? I don't know but I think I just need time to think this out on my own. I hope Anna doesn't ask me too many questions. It's like I have lost my strength to continue on. It's very hard for some reason for me to rebound back like I usually do. I just feel broken.

I woke up early this morning unable to sleep. I went and lay down in Takai's room by his crib. I still can't sleep though. Everytime I start to I just feel so restless. The sleep I do get is not good sleep but just me with my eyes closed. I just toss and turn and I can't seem to get comfortable. I know it's a combination of guilt and hard wood floor but I can't help it. Things are just eating at me,...		  
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snap   
11:18am 10/06/2004
 
mood: suicidal
I can't handle it anymore. I woke up this morning and Anna wasn't home. She doesn't trust me. I know it's for the best that I leave so I wrote her a note and I did it. I just want to kill myself but I fear the backlash it's going to cause. I don't want Anna taking her life.

I'm so twisted into knots. I pace and stop and stand and sit. Yesterday I was so tired that all the noise I heard went to a dead silence. I think I might have gone into shock because I couldn't think of anything. I went out that night and took myself to the restaurant Bulma and I had first gone to. I was heading to see her when I stopped at Capsul Corp.

I didn't go in but I should have never stopped. Trunks came out and before he could accuse me of anything I yelled at him. Suprisingly he went away but then Anna showed up. She followed me to the flower store and crushed the flower I bought her. I left her eventually but she was upset. If I was more of a person and "cared about anyone" I might have been concerned. I went to Bulma's grave and gave her the flower. I was going to tell her about my day but somehow I think she already knew how it was going.

That is what I liked about her. I never had to say anything. She could always tell when I was in a good mood or a bad mood or just tired. She always made me feel better. I remember I would lay on the couch and she would sit on top of me. I remember how she yelled at me because I wanted to train more than I wanted to go out dancing with her. I remember how she would get angry and unplug the gravity chamber and how we would fight over it. She left me in June a few years ago so every June I always reenact a date with her just so I won't forget her. Although I must say, the more gone she is the more and more it gets harder to remember things.

I miss all those nights sitting on the couch with her just talking about things. She never cared what I did or who I spent my time with because she knew I belong to her. I went home that night and fell asleep on the couch. I guess Anna never came home.

I don't know what to do anymore. I wrote her a note apologizing for ruining everything. I told her to tell Trunks that I love him and to give Bura a hug for me. I just can't handle this strain anymore. It's getting so unbearable and now that Kakarott is gone and Miu isn't around I don't have anyone to talk to. There isn't anyone around anymore to take my hand and tell me it's alright. There isn't anyone to hold me or tell me things are going to get better or just sit there with me and not expect me to say anything. There isn't anyone to take my hand or stand beside me. There isn't anyone around anymore to ease the pain. Anna just yells and accuses. Jack has his own problems. My son thinks I'm wrong on every issue. Yume is busy with her own worries about Jack. I just have to sit by myself and feel the pain rip through me over and over again.

I don't think I can stop crying as I sit here in front of Bulma's grave. Kami, I feel so weak and deteriorated from it. I just can't stand up anymore and bide the pain like I use to. It's just too much this time...		  
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drained   
01:51pm 09/06/2004
 
mood: numb
I'm tired. I woke up tired; I'm still tired. Everything just gets worse I think. I planned to bring my son back to life but once again Kakarott stole my glory from me. He has my son somewhere now and he has not brough him to see me. Sadly I'm too tired to care anymore. Why should I? When I start it just gets worse. It's like everyone plans and waits for me to start being nice; start being concerned so they can take advantage of it and squash me into the ground, so they can use it against me.

I just hate this so much. I should have never gone to see Miu. It has caused me nothing but grief. Never before have I wanted to just die so badly. And now that Kakarott has made the dragonballs obsolete I wouldn't be wished back. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so trapped so contained...		  
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Loss   
01:22am 09/06/2004
 
mood: stressed
Dealing with loss is never a good thing for me. I've lost so many things in my life you'd think I'd be use to it by now. But I'm not. I nearly killed Jack today. That noise just keeps getting louder and louder and it just hurts me. I have lost three people over the course of about 4 days. First it was Kakarott, then my son, and now Miu. I accepted Kakarott's leaving because I knew he needed the time to figure things out and etc etc. I had to accept the loss of my son because there was really nothing I could do to bring him back. And now I must deal with the loss of Miu.

I think a living loss is probably the most hardest. Unlike Kakarott she is still around so that just makes it even harder. I don't like Miu. I don't want to be with Miu like everyone suggests. I find that when I tried that she turns into a completely different person who wants to do nothing more than follow me around and takes orders from me in attempt to "please" me. No,.. I just miss what we had. From a non-sexual standpoint she was the one person I told most everything too. I wasn't afraid to talk to her about things.

I just feel betrayed. She told me she wasn't going anywhere; she'd be there for me. I know now that she isn't. I try not to focus on it. When I do it's like a stabbing pain attacks my chest. I physically hurt. And when I get that way I want to destroy things; try to make the pain go away.

I nearly killed Jack today. I went by to see him and I had been doing that thinking. Usually when that happens, when I start thinking about one bad thing that usually leads to more bad things. I was just so mad and stupid that I fell for it. How could I think that she would even want to listen to me after everything that I had done to her?! If I was her I wouldn't even want to see me! I was so angry I just wanted to kill something. I was going to go destroy Xilac's house to ease my own pain but Jack managed to stop me and we both ended up hurt. Jack hurt physically and me hurt emotionally and mentally.

I just don't know what to tell Miu. I miss her but at the same time I have to let that friendship go. It's clear what she wants,.. it isn't me.		  
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