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Nickeleye

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[10 Feb 2004|12:00pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Wow... it's been a hella long time. A lot's happened since... I'm dating Ashley now; have been for a while... my mother's sick, but Penny, Colton, and Faye are staying with her, so she's being taken care of. Kally almost got raped by Riley, but she's doing all right now. Raven, Glenn, and LK are all... normal (or as normal as they get), and I guess I'm all right. I've been keeping my meds down, and most all of my food, and I've done a little in the way of writing and roleplaying lately.

I'll try to update more often (try daily), but I don't know how well that'll work.

Gotta go, teacher's pissed.

1 vanilla candle burning in the darkvanilla candles burning in the dark | waltz with me

[02 Jan 2004|02:31pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | "You're A God" - Vertical Horizon ]

Okay, so... Hi. n.n I haven't been here in a while. I've been off living. Isn't it interesting?

Ashley Tarrow is... soooooo... fucking hot. Seriously. I ran into him a while ago, before Christmas, and we were talking. We wound up walking down to the park, and (I don't know how this happened) by the time we went our separate ways, he wasn't wearing a shirt. o.o And yes, it was snowing.

Anyway, that's not my point. Here, for your amusement (I know Ray wanted to see this posted), is a clip of conversation between Ash and I. It happened earlier today.

Me: Yeah, well, Riley... probably thinks I'm sexy.
Ashley: So it's a jealous thing, hm?
Me: Yeah. I get it a lot.
Ashley: I could see why.
<*Cue my laugh and look away, so he can't see me blush*>
Me: No, seriously, I do get it more often than I'd expect.
Ashley: Allow me to repeat myself - I could see why.
<*Nervous giggle on my part*>
Me: Well, whatever. I don't think I'm sexy.
Ashley: Yeah, you're the only one.
<*More nervous laughing, both of us this time, and an awkward cough from Ashley*>
Ashley: Yeah, you know... word on the street says you're hung like a...
<*Blink, cough from me*>
Ashley: ... Something scrawny with a big penis.

n.n;;;; <*Blushing furiously.*> Yeah, okay, anyway.... Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and all that.

1 vanilla candle burning in the darkvanilla candles burning in the dark | waltz with me

[16 Dec 2003|05:24pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Stalker-mode.

Ashley Jennifer Tarrow (fucking faerie has a woman's name) is seventeen years old, until next July. July 27th, actually. He has -- well, I don't know about his parents, but I've heard he has an older brother (never met said brother, but if he's anything like Ashley, I'd like to), whose name is equally as SCREWY as his otouto-chan's. Eschutzi Skourz Tarrow. Yes. Eschutzi Skourz. Like... He Shoots, He Scores. I absolutely DIED when I heard that.

Anyway... Sissy came to visit yesterday; she and Colton and Faye. Faye is so KYUTE! The goddamned cutest thing in this whole world, I SWEAR.

Shit, I've gotta go; Mom's coming over and the house is a mess; beer cans everywhere and packs of cigarettes and lighters on the counters and boxers and clothes and the counters are dirty and oh, shit... T-T

2 vanilla candle burning in the darkvanilla candles burning in the dark | waltz with me

[09 Dec 2003|01:40pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | "Bouncin' Off The Walls" -- Sugarcult ]

His name is Ashley.

Yeah, anyway, I'm off my fanboy high, so I'm not talking about Ashley right now. I'm talking about my suspension from school for the rest of the week, and my sprained wrist.

Kally and I were sitting on the front steps, talking (I had cut class, and she had been on her way to her car to get something when she stopped to talk to me), you know, just random chatter. And then her ex-boyfriend, Riley Guildenstern, just walks up outta nowhere. He gave me the look that I've been getting a lot lately (the "oh, it's a fag" look) and turned to Kal. He asked her if she wanted to go out on Friday. She told him -- with amazing patience and politeness -- that they'd been over this before, and she was not getting involved with him. He started begging her, and when she still turned him down (smiling all the while, of all things), he grabbed her by the arm and started threatening her. I stood up and told him to knock it off (while I was grinding the remnants of my last cigarette into the ground, to further my badass image). Naturally, he didn't. Told me to mind my own business as he hauled her up off the steps and started walking. Of course, she was resisting, but she's not much of a match for him. He got pissed at her after she called him a jackass and made some comment about how she wouldn't date him again if he paid her for it, and he backhanded her, right across the face. So, I grabbed him, turned him around, and punched him. He let go of Kally (guess he thought me a bigger threat -- he was damn right) and started mauling my ass. I'd known I was gonna get trashed, too. Kinda took me by surprise, but what took me by surprise even more was when someone from up the steps told him to knock it the fuck off. Turned out to be Ashley.

The thing is, Ashley's not built as well as Riley, and Riley could probably waste him, actually, but something about the way he said it just made Riley stop. That's about when I figured it out: when Ashley tells you to do something, you do it. Don't know why, you just do.

Anyway, so Ashley introduced himself and whatever, and Riley dashed off to tell the teachers. I got off with a sprained wrist, split lip, bloody nose, black eye, and a buncha scrapes and bruises. Kally has a bruised face and arm, and Riley's got a lovely busted mouth and swollen jaw. Kally, Riley and I were all suspended 'til Monday.

3 vanilla candle burning in the darkvanilla candles burning in the dark | waltz with me

[08 Dec 2003|11:45am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | "Breaking The Habit" - Linkin Park ]

Ever believe in omens?

I think she's watching me. I know she's watching me, actually. Everywhere I go, I can hear her, smell her, see her, feel her, taste her. And I love her. But... I think I'm letting go, at least a little. The love that I feel now is different. It's not... mind-possessing and killing like it used to be. It's softer now, and easier to deal with. I think we were both scared before -- it's true, we both agreed, even back then, that to be forgotten was worse than death -- that I'd forget if I let go. She's relaxed, and so have I.

And I think I'm really kinda gay. There's this senior at my school, a bit younger than I am, I think, and he's hella gorgeous. Dark, almost black hair that kinda falls in his eyes, and this totally serious face, with pale blue eyes and dark, thick eyelashes and full lips and oh, my God, I sound like a giddy schoolgirl.

But... yeah... he's really pretty. Kinda pale skin, and the lightest dusting of freckles over the bridge of his nose (which I only noticed once, and I was told by someone who knows him that those freckles are never to be mentioned -- he's still pretending they're not there). Plus -- and I've never seen him smile, so I can't confirm this -- I think he has a dimple in his right cheek.

<*Clears his throat.*> I should, uh... go. Just thought I'd let y'all know about how things are going... I'm really happy that I'm finally able to move on.

1 vanilla candle burning in the darkvanilla candles burning in the dark | waltz with me

[01 Dec 2003|07:51pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | "My Last Breath" - Evanescence ]

I'm tired. It's a good kind of tired, though, not the brain-numbing exhaustion I'd been suffering from. I think I'll sleep.

waltz with me

To redeem myself in the eyes of an angel. [20 Nov 2003|04:34pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | "Sanctuary" - Chris Rodriguez ]

Bloodstained Lineage says:
I like you.

So since this jackass deemed a right hook an appropriate response to Glenn's being bisexual, I canned him. <*> Banira Enbou says:
Thanks.

So since this jackass deemed a right hook an appropriate response to Glenn's being bisexual, I canned him. <*> Banira Enbou says:
... You know, for the first time in over a year, I think I do, too.

So since this jackass deemed a right hook an appropriate response to Glenn's being bisexual, I canned him. <*> Banira Enbou says:
... I'm going to stop cutting.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
^_^

So since this jackass deemed a right hook an appropriate response to Glenn's being bisexual, I canned him. <*> Banira Enbou says:
I don't think it'll be easy, but I... want to.

So since this jackass deemed a right hook an appropriate response to Glenn's being bisexual, I canned him. <*> Banira Enbou says:
I don't want to hate myself anymore.

~ ~ ~

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Ohh... I got whitewashed today.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
White.. washed..?

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
My eye is so bloodsiot.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Bloodshot.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
o_o

Bloodstained Lineage says:
Why?

Bloodstained Lineage says:
WAIT!

Bloodstained Lineage says:
Wait wait.. Stop for a moment.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
... Are you ready?

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
... Sure?

Bloodstained Lineage says:
*Tacklecling.*

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
<*Squeak.*>

Bloodstained Lineage says:
Okay. Continue. n_n

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Okay. o.o

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Yeah, whitewashed. LK grabbed a bunch of snow and slammed it into my face and rubbed it all over, and, ugh... it got in my eye and up my nose...

Bloodstained Lineage says:
Oh my.. o_o;;

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Yup. Whitewashed Glenn today, too.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
LmAo

Bloodstained Lineage says:
How'd.. he like that?

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Oh, he was just so, so, so, so happy.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
No, honestly, I think they were all really glad to see me looking relatively 'normal,' or happy, or something.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
n_n

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
They'd keep shooting looks back and forth and smiling.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Even LK, who doesn't often smile.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
Aw. That's.. also sort of touching.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
All of that, I mean.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
I thought it was annoying. They weren't any fun to play with; they were paying absolutely no attention.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
Lol

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
But I suppose if you view it objectively, yes.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
What was your most pressing thought of the day?

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
My most pressing? Define pressing.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
Prominent. ... One you most remember.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Okay.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
My most pressing thought of the day was that Vanilla would have loved the snow, almost more than I did.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
Aw. ... I have another question. Is she in the majority of your thoughts?

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
A lot of them, yeah. Seems like everything still ties to her, even though she's gone.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
... I'm very internally peaceful today, though. I don't even want to cry, remembering her, like I usually do. It's like... maybe it's okay, you know?

Bloodstained Lineage says:
*Nods.* n_n Maybe not completely, because I don't think I've ever experienced that. ... But yes, I do understand.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
Yeah.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
I actually want to cry now, but I can feel it, like... it's not going to be the same tears. I think it would be cleansing; relieving.

Bloodstained Lineage says:
*Hugs.* I like having cries like that.

Waltz for the moon, drink to the stars, don't come too soon, don't go too far... <*> Vanille Valse says:
<*Hugs back.*> Okay, hold on, I can't see the keyboard...

~ ~ ~

Seems I left the innocence of Eden long ago
Tempted by my heart to go it on my own
Beyond the garden
Somehow through the desert of my wanderings alone
You have never let me go

I turn from you and still you cover me
I fall so far - you find me in the deep
Anywhere I am, anywhere I am
You sanctuary me

I have felt the separation deep within my bones
Brought me to my knees crying out for hope
Beyond the garden
Somehow, through my tears, you heard the words I could not speak
You were there to rescue me

I turn from you - and still you cover me
I fall so far - you find me in the deep
I lose my way - you're reaching out to me
Everywhere I go
Anywhere I am, anywhere I am
You sanctuary me

waltz with me

Stole it from an email... [20 Nov 2003|04:17pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | "Grey Sky Morning (Best I Ever Had)" - Vertical Horizon ]

1. Ever been so drunk you blacked out: Yep... a few times now.
2. Ever been missing: Yep... quite a few times now.
3. Ever been hurt emotionally: Let's see... that's a yes. It wasn't anyone's fault, really, but it still hurt. Still does, sometimes.
4. Kept a secret from everyone: I'd have to say no. I don't keep secrets from Glenn, I never kept secrets from Vanilla, and LK just knows everything.
5. Had an imaginary friend when you were younger: No... I had Glenn. He's not 'maginary.
6. Wanted to hook up with a friend: Yeah. Yes.
8. Ever thought an animated character was hot?: I won't even list 'em, but yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. <*Feels pathetic.*>
9. Had a New Kids on the Block tape: Er... I'd have to say a definite 'no' here.
10. What was the last new movie you saw in theaters: Uhm... none.

1. Wearing: Black-and-grey plaid pyjama pants and a grey wifebeater. Yes, that is all.
3. Eating: Chips.
4. Drinking: Vanilla Pepsi.
5. Thinking about: Vanilla, now that I mentioned the drink.
6. Talking to: Holly and Glenn.



The last 24 hours:
1. Cried: Yeah.
2. Worn a skirt: Uh -- no.
3. Met someone new: Nope.
4. Cleaned a room: Kitchen and bathroom.
5. Done laundry: Yes.
6. Drove a car: Coming home from school; going to school; stopping at Taco Bell.


Do you believe in:
1. Yourself: Only sometimes.
2. Your friends: Always.
3. Santa Claus: Can't say as I do. The bastard never brought ME presents when I was a kid. <*CoughFUCKYOUMOMcough.*>
4. Tooth fairy: Nope.
5. Destiny/Fate: Not until I met Vanilla. I stopped believing when she died.
6. Angels: Vanilla Selene Linden.
7. Ghosts: She's watching me somehow.
8. UFOs: Sure.

Right Now:
1. Who have you known the longest of your friends? Glenn, since before I can remember.
3. Who do you go to for advice? LK. Glenn, Raven and Kally, too, but more LK than anyone else.
4. Who do you cry to? Glenn and Kally.
5. Worst feeling: Feeling like moving on would break her noncoporeal heart.

waltz with me

[19 Nov 2003|01:44pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Lying still on the pristine sheets, I stop to contemplate my closest friend. Silver edge, soft and repenting, sharp and unforgiving. Silently, I glide the blade across my skin, not nearly hard enough to hurt, but more like a gentle greeting. The steel whispers to me, tells me to cry for it, asks me to embrace it as my saviour. I press the metal down hard onto my skin and feel the surface break; feel the bite of the razor; feel the blood well up over my fingers. I pull the blade out and draw little lines with the blood on the edge. I write her name on my thigh and smile at it. She would hate me now, I know. That may be the one thing that saves me from myself. I know that if she saw me, she would hate me. I continue, though, dragging the blade deep through my leg, watching the blood invade the sheets.

Finally, I get up and go into the bathroom, and turn on the shower, scalding hot. I get in and just watch the pinkish red water swirl down the drain. The punishment of the blade had been good for me, I think, but bad, too. I liked it; it was my therapy. But I know, too, that she would hate it and hate me for doing it. I start to cry. I couldn't ever live if she hated me. I can hardly live as it is; I'd kill myself for sure if she hated me.

I can't say I haven't thought of suicide, but I haven't tried yet. The others have made it clear to me that I am to stay alive. I'm too tired to try it, anyway.

It's not... sleepy-tired. I'm tired of breathing, eating, sleeping, thinking, walking, speaking, kissing, hugging, blinking, seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, feeling, and being, in general.

But all I can do is go to sleep.

And I'll dream.

Waltz for the moon
Drink to the stars
Don't come too soon
Don't go too far
Breathe in the air
Lie on the beach
Sleep way up there
Just out of reach
Soak up the night
Bathe in the sea
It just felt right
Just you and me
Sing 'til you cry
A simple tune
Dance for the sky
Waltz for the moon
Valse pour la lune
Waltz for the moon
Waltz for the moon

waltz with me

[17 Nov 2003|12:24pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | "Vanilla" - Kamui Gakuto ]

S'been a while since I updated, huh? ... Yeah, well... not much has happened. Just... go to school, eat, sleep. Yeah, I eat now. That's a good thing, right? I sleep a lot more soundly, too; not to say that I don't still dream. The nightmares haven't faded, but they've become more like my companions now. I'm used to them. I think if they disappeared, I'd be scared again, and I'd probably completely regress.

I'm thinking I'll pick up more writing. Not ready to return to roleplaying yet. I think I'm having enough trouble being myself. Later, or maybe tomorrow, I'll post another bit of writing.

Time for sleep.

waltz with me

[14 Nov 2003|10:17pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Cure My Tragedy" - Cold. ]

I am so, so, so fucked up.

I think I'm bi. I mean, I don't see that as a problem, but it's just something else to make life more difficult. Aside from that, I started cutting again. Just my thighs, my hips, where you can't see, really. I don't want LK or Raven or Kally finding out. Glenn knows, I'm sure. It doesn't matter if he knows.

I don't even really know why I did it; I think I'm feeling guilty again. I want to move on, but I feel bad doing it. I've hardly eaten since sometime yesterday, and whatever I did eat, I threw up last night when I woke up from another nightmare.

The same old thing: I move on. Ten years down the line, I die, and find myself watching the one I loved, the one after Vanilla, move on without me, the same way Vanilla watched me move on without her. And the part that made me wake up crying, of course, was when she told me it wasn't my fault, and that she still loved me. That was when I woke up and hit the floor in the bathroom.

I need sleep now. I'm going to go... see if I can maybe sleep soundly at all. Maybe call Glenn. Cry a little; I can feel it.

waltz with me

[08 Nov 2003|02:42am]
[ mood | grateful ]
[ music | "Crazy For This Girl" - Evan and Jaron ]

I noticed something odd just now. I've been hanging out with Dots all night -- and I still remain confused as to its gender -- and I just now noticed that s/he's calling me "Vanilla," as a shortened form of "Vanilla.Waltz." Usually, I ask people to call me "Waltz," but it never even crossed my mind with Dots.

Everything's so easy with Dots... like I said before, s/he really reminds me of Vanilla. Open, unafraid, unabashed, intelligent, charming, secure, funny, sharp-witted... ooh, I'm rambling. Not good.

o.o S/he kissed me. On the lips. Because, apparently, I deserve it.

Dot.> -Kisses his lips.-
Vanilla.Waltz> <*Blinks.*> What? Why?
Dot.> 'Cause.
Vanilla.Waltz> <*He blinked slightly, then laughed, looking away for a second.*> Okay.
Dot.> You deserve one.

... You get my point. <*Faint blush.*>

Anyway... Dot has been really helpful... I'unno. S/he's let me kind of... see. I think -- no, I know I need to move on. It won't be as easy as I seem to speak it, but I'll have to. For my sake and Vanilla's.

waltz with me

[08 Nov 2003|01:19am]
[ mood | listless ]
[ music | "You Can Still Be Free" - Savage Garden ]

"My mom says I'm weird when I say 'I want to be hungry.'"

I know what it's like to want to be hungry. I eat out of boredom. Never out of hunger. Since she left, I haven't been hungry for anything. Not for food, for sleep, or for sex. It's difficult, but not terrible. I just don't care anymore. I don't care enough one way or another to pick my life back up or to end it.

I can remember when she was still here. She made me hunger, made me thirst for life and happiness and peace. Made me hungry for her. I could never get enough of her tranquility, her ability to appear untouched by any devastation that took place around her. Her mind, her body, her spirit; it was all like a drop of water to my parched throat. I could need nothing else. I could want nothing else but her, and more of her. I wanted her peace of mind, I wanted her purity, and I wanted her freedom to be mine.

She was bold and unafraid, silly and somber and wild. I could never place her entire essence into words. She was more than life itself to me. She was my hunger, my love, and my light.

Now that I no longer have her, I find myself wishing I were hungry. I want to be hungry again; for someone. For something or anything, but I want to hunger for something that I know I will never get enough of.

waltz with me

[07 Nov 2003|04:17pm]
[ mood | moody ]
[ music | "Birthday" - Meredith Brooks ]

I am... /so/... stupid.

Guess whose birthday was yesterday?

Mine.

Guess who stayed home from school, turned off their phone, and cut himself off from the outside world yesterday?

Me.

Guess how I remembered it was my birthday?

Blurty.com emailed me to wish me a happy birthday. -.-

I am the stupidest twat in existence. And, see, I've still cut myself off, so Glenn and the others are probably pissed at me. I should go call someone.

waltz with me

[05 Nov 2003|06:11pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | "Last Kiss" -Pearl Jam ]

The wind bites cold through my jacket, whipping at my face and stinging my eyes, like the tears that fell that night you left. The dusk that shimmers around me like a cool, uncanny blanket is unyielding and uncaring, but the faint twinkle of stars in the darkening sky holds a painful memory of the laughter we shared, stargazing that night. My arms tighten around the stuffed dog in my arms, clutching it as if it were my only salvation from a savage storm. The scent of vanilla, sweet and floral-tinted, catches in my senses and brings your image wafting back with the fragrance that still lingers strong on the fur of the dog. The ocean flows around my legs, rooted to the earth and deep in the sand that shifts around my ankles. I can taste the salt on my lips, see it in my eyes, and the sound of the skittering surf echoes, the shadow of a shiver slinking up my spine. The sun, hardly hanging on to the edge of the water, casts melting reflections for as long as it can, though it fades fast. As the last warm rays of the sun sift through the night's careless fingers, the true chill of the evening surrounds me, comforting me with soft kisses and fleeting, recurrent embraces.

I can't say that I liked the way it ended; but it's in the past now. I remember the atmosphere of that night, and I wonder if I'll ever come by it again. Everything was postdynamic, postorgasmic and spent, and exhausted in a sweet, comfortable, cool way. The air was crisp and clear, and we spoke in foreign tongues into a twilight so preternatural that even secrets were okay to say aloud. Our laughs and smiles resonated in the unique metaphysical milieu that was our playground that night. Everything was crafted from our love and the magic of an autumn night, and it was all moulded especially for the moment; for you. Staring now into the cold, unforgiving ocean, I grasp hopelessly for your hand, wanting to feel it entwined with mine, because the weight of the world was lessened when we were one.

waltz with me

[04 Nov 2003|06:47am]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | Nothing yet. ]

Don't know how long I have before I need to leave for school.

Anyway, I thought I'd drop in here. Glenn and I haven't really said anything since what happened; I don't know if he's comfortable with it or not. I'm almost afraid to ask.

I've been thinking of asking Glenn and Raven and the others if we should pick up roleplaying again. It wouldn't quite be the same without Nilla, but we could get along... and I do miss it.

Raven, by the way, is a freak. The other day, I was talking to her, and she was joking around about how she was 'such a player,' and so on. She was like, "Yeah, after I bang a girl, I smoke a cigarette, 'cause I like to smell my fingers." I guess the look on my face was kinda fucked up, 'cause she started laughing at me.

I love my friends. I'm not being sarcastic, either. Glenn, Raven, Serah, and LK are keeping me in the game.

waltz with me

[02 Nov 2003|07:47pm]
[ mood | guilty ]
[ music | "How You Remind Me" - Nickelback ]

I feel... gay.

Seriously. I mean, I /am/ straight, but... well...

( Keep reading if you want... )

1 vanilla candle burning in the darkvanilla candles burning in the dark | waltz with me

[02 Nov 2003|01:27pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | "What It's Like" - Everlast ]

So... Friday night, I met this... er... /person./ They were in Ace -- or Char's, I don't remember -- and their name was "...." Okay, so it's three dots, not four, because the last one is a period. This is confusing. We'll call them Dots.

Dots will not lend... itself... to either gender. For that matter, when I'm in Ace or Char's, neither will I, but Dots STILL won't tell me, and I have... its... MSN name. Dots has no profile on MSN, and continues to refuse to disclose its gender -- sad that I'm beginning to feel comfortable calling Dots an "it" -- which is a whole new world of irritance for me. I mean, come on! At least I state my gender on my profile... and there's even a picture.

Anyway, it doesn't matter all that much. Honestly, I think it's kind of nice. We're both able to be ourselves, completely, without apology or restraint. Kind of reminds me of Vanilla.

But, yeah, Dots and I spent a while in Char's, with me clinging to its leg and Dots petting me. I kept kissing Dots' hand, and y'know, I'm not sure why, but I didn't mind. Apparently, it didn't either.

Our posts were full of big blanks - consecutive underscores, actually, and that was fine until it noticed that some of my underscores were only TWO. As in "he." Cue sweatdrop on my part. I felt inanely stupid for that, but it's not so bad.

Makes me wonder, though -- if Dots happens to be male, he would be very much okay with petting another male. Which, of course, is a good thing. It's great when guys are comfortable with their sexuality. I mean, I know I am -- Glenn's made sure of that.

Which reminds me, he gave me the weirdest offer the other day. Asked if he could give me head. I must have given him a totally "you're-off-your-bird" type look, because he burst out laughing. Sometimes I wonder about him. We proceeded to snuggle through the rest of lunch, with a whole crowd of people frantically whispering that I was gay, and they didn't know that, and oh, my God, could you believe it? I wanted to shoot them, but I tried to just focus on eating. It worked, I guess.

I just wish... I don't know. I'm tired.

waltz with me

[31 Oct 2003|08:25pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | "I Will Remember You" - Sarah McLachlan ]

A year ago today, my girlfriend, Vanilla Selene Linden, was hit and killed by a drunk driver.

It might sound like I see it objectively, but, really, she was -- and still is -- the center of my world. Before she came along, I was apathetic, stoic, cold, aloof, pessimistic, antisocial, worrisome, introverted, serious, angry, apathetic, cold, hopeless, and faithless, holding nothing sacred and feeling no connection to anything that someone else might call a dream, faith, hope, goal, or ambition.

And Nilla? She was annoyingly optimistic, carefree, brazen, childish, kind, sweet, considerate, hopeful, faithful, with the sheer ability to reach her dreams. She was brave, bold, persistent, and entirely independent. She fought for what she believed in, and she almost always won. When she lost, she took something from it. When she won, she moved on to win more.

I learned a lot from Vanilla... how to break the rules, how to win, how to lose, how to love... I learned how to be myself, without apology. She made me love her, love life, and love loving. As soon as she died, I fell back into my old rut. I'm pitiful, I think. If she can see me -- if there is a heaven, I've no doubt she's there -- I'll bet anything that she's angry with me for dwelling on this so much.

We were amazingly different -- polar opposites -- but we fit together like pieces of a puzzle, each completing what was missing in the other. Now that she's gone, I'm worthless, in my eyes. The only reason I'm still here is my best friend, Glenn. He's been here for me every second of my life that I can remember, back to when we were sandbox-mates. If it weren't for him, I would've given up long ago.

I still want to die. Not to kill myself, just to die. If there is a God, dear deity have mercy. I won't sleep tonight, I know.

2 vanilla candle burning in the darkvanilla candles burning in the dark | waltz with me

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