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	2007.04.06  08.18 Officially A THOUSAND YEARS It's officially been a HELLUVA long time since I've written in here. I've been doing so much writing for school and so much driving back and forth to various places: Coventry, New Britain, Simsbury, Southbridge, MA... that I don't really sit down to write very often anymore. Also-- I dont really think anyone reads this since I am not online very often and I took the link out of my myspace page because I didnt want random people know about my life. I've been feeling a variety of things in the past couple weeks. First-- frustration, because my life is hectic as heck!! I have been driving up to MA a few times a week to take care of my mom, because she broke her wrist and cant do anything. Then-- I've been attending (or sometimes, not) my 3 graduate level courses I have during the week. I've been driving to Jesse's every other day basically, because that is where I am most of the time, and I've been doing a ton of schoolwork. I had to do two classroom observations the week before last, and that was a hectic week for me. Now it's over, but I still have some big projects coming up, and Im just trying to stay afloat because I want a really good GPA this semester like I got last semester. Looks as though I'll be part time next semester. I am only taking one course. That's like 1200 dollars, not including all the fees... I want to be fulltime as far as grad assisting goes because I love the job and am involved in some really neat projects, but I dont know if it's worth it, and I dont know if Ill still be living at home. Jesse decides to change his plans on what we are doing on a daily basis because he cant save money... so I have been secretly storing cash away for an apartment, but the very least it will do is GET US the apartment.. then I dont know if we can afford to keep it. Nannying-- thats a whole other boat. I was excited because April vacation is in a couple weeks and I thought they were going to FL-- meaning I have the week off from nannying. But as it turns out, they are going the week after April vacation, which means, I am house/dog sitting because I got conned into it while they are in FL and I dont get any time off whatsoever. True, I dont have to nanny, but I still have to stay there.. ::Sigh:: on top of that and them trying to convince me to get an apartment nearby, when Ill do whatever I damn well please, thank you, and a teacher of mine belittling everyone in the class, it's been an interesting past few weeks. I finally got my papers activated to go see Gus, so I've been thinking about it A LOT. I was avoiding it for a long time, because even though I want to see him, part of me does not. Not only because the circumstances are scary as hell and very impersonal, but because seeing him is going to let loose a whole part of me I've been hiding away pretty well for the most part. Am I going to start crying when I see him? Is that acceptable in a jail? Is the conversation going to be weird or forced? Is it going to bring a flood of emotions back that I had stored away and thought I'd gotten over? And although I find this unlikely, will it affect my relationship with Jesse? These are all things that concern me. Every time I get a letter from him, I rush to open it. I savor every word, and especially the ones where he tells me how he thinks about memories of ours or that I gave him smiles he doesnt have anymore because I sent him a card on his birthday.. I wonder, does he still have feelings for me?? Even though they are in vain? I havent told him about Jesse because I figured in his environment, it wasn't the best thing to spring upon him and also, it didnt really make a difference whether or not I told him... however, although easy to evade conversation regarding a significant other in written form, it is not so easy to do in person. I don't know what to do. Part of me is scared that if I tell him about Jesse, then the sanctity of what we had (which is all WE have LEFT) will be gone. That the personalNESS of our letters will change form. Part of me wants to pretend that we still have a bond-- and we DO, but I want to keep it intact, I guess. But what if for SOME reason, he got out of jail sometime soon (unlikely) and wanted to start seeing me.. I mean, I have to tell him, but when? I'm very scared of all these thoughts. So most of the time, I just tuck them away. And occasionally, like when I get a letter from him or when I drive by his house.. or even when I see/think of something that we shared, the emotions just SPRING outward.. leaping up my throat, and I find myself close to tears. Even after all these months-- I can see this has had a permanent effect on me. He means more to me than possibly almost any of my other exes, and it's not necessarily because of the seriousness of the relationship, because it wasnt.. but he was my best friend. He IS one of the best guys I KNOW. Despite of where he is. This is truth. He will always have meaning to me, and probably in a way that Jesse will never want to hear about... so I dont talk about it. Others have that meaning to me too-- like Adam, of course. I think about Adam often, still, glad that we are able to be friends, but sometimes I miss the way things were and sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if we were still together. He is also one of those great people. Unfortunately he thought we werent in the same place.. and we physically werent. So.. but all of these events DID lead me to Jesse, whom I am so happy to have. So it's a double edged sword. Because it is truly a bittersweet story. My life makes a better novel than most novels, I think. I've wanted, so many times, to start writing a book based loosely on the events of my life, but I think they are only important to me and maybe not so much to others. But really... think about it.. These are the major mile markers: paranoid schizo mom who's also bipolar and tried to burn her bedroom down with us in it... divorce at the ripe age of 11; debacle with drugs and debauchery in my teens; heartbreak after heartbreak in the most unusual ways; rape; salvation through God; struggle in faith; one of my nearest and dearest goes to jail; the story comes back to the heartbreak but then the weird divine-like intervention where Jesse is replaced in my life.. and the story isnt over.... I am constantly struggling trying to keep my past in the past and trying to reclaim my self worth. I search, ceaselessly, for a family of my own.. maybe only to be completed once I give birth.. They are some interesting events that could make for a interesting story perhaps... if I tied it together the right way with the right metaphors and symbolism, etc. I know enough about writing to make it happen.. but will I? Probably not, because once again. No one probably cares. Mood: crazy

	2007.01.15  09.08 A year's passed Today a year ago Adam and I broke up. Not by my will, so as you can imagine, it was a terrible day for me. I realize now, it was for him, too. We still had love... just not a lot of free time, 3000 miles of separation, and a bit of a clingy issue on my behalf. Looking back on myself a year ago, I see that I was someone different than who I am now. I was less motivated/ambitious, had a different outlook on the bad things that happened to me, and was physically self-destructive. Im more independent now, too. About a week ago, I sorta relapsed in a sense. I let my frustration get the better of me and bruised myself. It was a light bruise however, and Jesse doesn't know. I haven't done that since Gus and I split. Not even after I found out he was going to jail. But Im okay, it's not something I plan on making a habit out of again. Im struggling with issues of incompetence. With nannying. I've found myself several times not being able to wait for the relief that comes as soon as I leave their house in the evenings. I've found myself yelling at the children more often than I usually do with children. Even though it's never caused a problem with them, because we are getting pretty close now, I still feel bad that I do it... and Jesse thinks Im fizzling out perhaps, and need a break. But I can't take a break and the money is really good. I made 300 dollars in cash last week just for working 3 days. I'll probably make about the same this week. Then it's back to school and my other job next week. It will be nice to not be nannying AS much, (even though it will still be 3 days a week), and to have another job that takes the frustration out because Im able to be alone/work with a friend. Im just praying that Jesse actually comes through and gets a truck soon. It's tiring to drive back and forth so many times a week. It's irking that he promises but then his money disappears.. and I really really want to move into an apartment by the time summer comes. To be able to go on a vacation to Cali and visit my sister and her boyfriend, etc. All these things. My money situation is looking fairly bright, so he just needs to uphold his end of the bargain. He's working construction now, more than 2 days a week, and he also got a raise at his other job. So... its something. :) Okay.. well Im glad that today is a day I can know that I am loved, instead of feeling betrayed by my other half. I don't resent Adam for anything about that-- Im just glad that today I can smile and know that Im safe. Mood: bitchy

	2006.12.18  08.45 Mondayrific He always apologizes. This is what makes him a good boyfriend :) Anyways.. Im so tired. I was at Jesse's last night, so even though I don't have to nanny until 9:30 this morning, I still woke up at 6 because I drove home when he left for work this morning. Blah. It's nice to be awake and have time to sit at the computer and eat breakfast, etc. but I am le tired!! I've been so moody lately. Im sure as always, it's a blend of things, but honestly I think it's just the birth control. That stuff... it is beneficial in some ways, but in others.. it can drive you crazy. Jesse apparently has something hidden in his closet for me. :) I got yelled at for opening his closet door the other day. Last night we drove to my mom's for dinner and my mommy gave Jesse a big box of chocolates.. his face lit up it was so adorable. He was a happy boy. :) It's nice that I don't have to rush the kids to their grandmother's and then drive to school for class today, but it does mean that I have a long day with the kids. Sometimes it's hard to find things to keep them entertained. And I get really bored being there all day. Not to mention, hungry. Because they don't really have normal food in their house. The money is SO good though, I just can't pass up the extra hours. Plus next Monday I don't have to work cuz it's Christmas, so I get to sleep a LITTLE later :) I've started Season 3 of Scrubs!! We drove to Southbridge to get the third season from John on Friday because I couldn't bear to be without it. Im addicted!! Tonight my plans are to type and send my last assignment of the semester, finish wrapping presents, make Christmas cards, and watch Scrubs. Sounds like a good night, doesn't it? Alright, I'm outta here. Mood: cold

	2006.10.30  07.59 school, etc la la la weekend! so this was a tough weekend. some tears, some anger, some confusion, but then some good lovin' too. :) i know i dont write in here so often anymore, but its mainly because a) im really busy b) no one reads it and everyone's on myspace instead and c) ive gotten past the whole "let share every detail of my relationship" on here and that's basically who i spend all my time with when im not at school. but i will recap some things. so im really anxious because i have a million things due in the next couple weeks. i can't wait til i get at least 2 of them out of the way, but i seriously have about 7 things. thats what i get for taking so many classes! i didnt get to see otherwise at sully's on friday and i was a bit upset about that. jesse and i had a few issues to plow through this weekend, but it always amazes me, because even when i think hope is gone, something turns around and i know that i love him. halloween party at karina's on saturday. didn't have the best ending, we ended up leaving because jesse was upset. but i was a clove. it was a fun outfit. low maintenence. and my hair still has red spray stuff on the scalp. it wont come off even though i've scrubbed it 3 times. death cab for cutie is this thursday and im estatic!! yaaaay my baby and i are going to boston. :) aside from that, i was sick last week, which sucked, i had the week of from nannying which was nice, and this friday i have off bc of death cab so that's nice. just not as much money coming in due to these things, but it's okay i needed the break immensely. i have so much due its not even funny. in fact, its quite scary. why did i want to go to school again?? remind me.

	2006.10.10  09.32 i have a nephew!! I have an itty bitty little nephew as of October 5th at 3:39am. My sister went into labor early, so they rushed to the hospital and they gave her a c-section (see, the 'planning' i discussed in my last entry isnt something you can count on). His name is Conor Patrick and he has some black hair and brown eyes. And he's very adorable, even for a wrinkly newborn ;) I finally feel like Im getting stuff done as far as school goes. But right now my head feels clouded and Im not sure why. I read the book, Monster for one of my classes and it really hit me hard. The book is about a 16 year old convict who's on trial for a felony murder and could spend 25 years to life with no parole or even the death sentence. It's from his point of view and how he feels he's innocent and his daily journals about his feelings in the jail and how he thought life outside jail was scary sometimes in Harlem, but that nothing compared to the fear he feels in this place. I thought about Gus a lot when I was reading it. How Gus was probably feeling some of these same feelings. It never occurred to me that if Gus was nice to other people and stayed out of their way that he still would posibly be picked on or hurt. I don't want that to happen to him. :( I want to visit him but it's going to be hard to sit there and not be able to reach across the table and put my hand on his. To show reassurance, to touch someone who's been extracted from my life in the blink of an eye. I'm still having a pretty rough time with the whole situation, I just don't let it out often. I don't tell people, because I think they may not want to listen, or beause Im currently dating Jesse, it feels like it's wrong for me to care so much about Gus. But I know there's nothing wrong with it. Nothing will ever change the fact that I love him and that he's a wonderful human being. And as long as he's in there I will think about him and be scared for him and feel pain for him. I wish there was a way to take him out of there. To give him normalcy again. To give him his old life back, where he could stand behind the bar and talk to his favorite customers. Where he could eat his Kashi cereal and make disgusting whey milkshakes that he actually liked. Where he could bitch about not going to the gym as often as he wants to, where he could mow the yard, taking an hour and a half and come in completely drenched in sweat. Where he could complain that he doesn't know anything about html and have me show him how to design his myspace page. These simple things. His life is like a movie in there, I bet. Completely unlike anything he's ever known. I wonder if he really thought about where he was going to end up and what it was going to be like before he did what he did. Almost every day I wonder if I'll get a letter back from him. It's been over a week, maybe over 2 weeks now, and I haven't gotten one back. Im starting to wonder if everything's okay. I wonder if he's gotten a sentence yet. I wonder if his sentence will make me cry. I want to visit him and I keep thinking about how selfish I am because on the weekends all I think about is Jesse and Im totally rapt and caught up in his beauty and affection and young love and Gus is rotting away in a jail cell an hour away from where Im sitting luxuriously. I know he put himself there, but I need to visit him. ::sigh:: Some days it's harder than others, that's all. Another thing I've been thinking about lately is how I want to get out of my house. And for the first time, not because my parents and I aren't getting along. But because traveling every weekend to Coventry to see Jesse is difficult and time consuming. I love doing it, dont get me wrong, otherwise I wouldn't, but I want to be in a situation where him and I are in the same place and we can see our friends and have our life and have time left over. Right now, every minute of my day is basically devoted to something else. This is one of the only days I have time to sit here and write like this. Okay, I guess it's time to go do other things, like shower. Get ready for school. Go to the bank. Blah blah. Hehe. Is it the weekend yet?????? Mood: okay

	2006.10.04  19.53 Where's Amanda?? It's been a bit of awhile, so Ill post some updates... To all my friends who I seemingly have been ignoring as of late-- I have been ignoring virtually everyone, due mostly to the fact that I am working 5 days a week now and ALSO taking 3 graduate level courses. It consumes my LIIIIIIFE. Also, my weekends go mostly to Jesse, however since I am in the Willimantic area most weekends, that means that if you are also, I am available for contact. Im available anyways, as long as Jesse is up for hanging. So, try me. So, on top of working 2 jobs and taking 3 classes, I've been doing some babysitting on the side. It's nice to make extra cash, but I am starting to get swamped with things I have to do for school. It's scary. Aside from all that I've been doing pretty well. I just finished reading Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk, who is an amazing writer. Definitely one of my favorites. Now Im reading A Million Little Pieces and its supposed to be a former crack addicts description and diary of his 6 weeks in rehab... HOWEVER, he admitted on Oprah that he was full of sh*t. So.. now Im less enthusiastic about reading it, but Im going to anyways. What else? Cara is having her baby next Wednesday. That is, if she doesnt pop before then; that's when her c-section is scheduled. It's so convenient and funny how the joy and miracle of birth-- the surprise and anticipation-- the rauchiness... the excitedness, the craziness and all that is now eliminated. You can simply schedule a time for birth when it's most convenient for you. Have to bring your other child to the dentist? Sure, we can schedule it for after that. Need a couple extra days at work because you're crunched? Thats okay, we'll make it for the 15th? Two-ish sound good? It just mystifies me. If my husband ever wants to SCHEDULE the birth of our child I will have to whack him one. There's no fun in that at all. I want to be in the middle of the mall with my legs spread open and a waterfall cascading between me. The other parents screaming in horror and covering their little ones' eyes. No one knowing what to do, or who to call. Ya. Chaos. Anyways-- so my parents are gone til Monday which is always a nice reprieve. I like just having the house to myself. It stinks, because my boyfriend doesn't have a car, so even though my parents are gone this weekend, I still have to travel to go see him. Instead of utilizing this great space and resource. :) Oh well. I want to try to visit Gus ASAP. I had a dream about him the other night that really upset me. I was supposed to go see him and I got in really easily but then I didnt have identification with me. And all I remember is sobbing incredibly hard because I wanted to see him so bad. For Halloween I think Im going to be a clove cigarette. :) And just for the record, because I know you all want to know so badly, my boyfriend has the prettiest brown eyes you ever did see. ::sigh:: Mood: busy Music: none

	2006.09.26  09.10 Titan Arum I never went to see the Amorphophallus titanum when I was living at Uconn and attending classes. I've been told that it only blooms once, taking quite a time to do so, and once it does, its fetid odor is similar to that of rotting flesh; hence, its nickname: the corpse flower. Why is there a flower designed to grow and bloom only once in its lifetime? And why does it stay in bloom for only 2 days? Perhaps even more importantly, why does it emanate a putrid stench? I've wondered of the evolutionary value it possesses by taking so long to grow, growing so large, and opening ever so briefly. How is it evolutionarily beneficial to smell like cadaveurs? If its stench is to guard itself from predators, why do they desist after they are in bloom? At first glance, it seems counter-intuitive-- the whole existence of this 6 foot flower. People remind me of corpse flowers, sometimes. Some people live their whole lives passively, never doing the things they want to do, never reaching out to others, only cultivating themselves for their moment of dramatic exposure and death. Some people you never realize have hatred or pain inside. They move through life without affecting anyone in any significant way, and then one day you read in the paper that the quiet man up the street was found dangling from a rope in his basement-- his body had been left unfound for weeks, so the foul smell of rotting flesh was unimaginable. It is easier for me to understand why a person may choose death over life moreso than why a flower would. Why they may move through life in rote, mechanical gestures, and then display the intensity of their emotions only in the action of their death. All the world's a stage, right? Sometimes, I wonder if those contemplating and planning their death are more obsessed with the execution of it rather than the extermination of self. The corpse flower is grandiose, no doubt about it. The fact that it takes years to grow and then manifests its grotesque existence in a matter of hours, tells us that it was born for tragedy. It wasn't until later that I discovered that the smell of the corpse flower attracts nocturnal insects such as beetles and flies, who lay eggs in the flower's rotting flesh. Is the existence of the corpse flower to proliferate the growth of other species? How interesting it may be to exist not for oneself but merely for the survival of another. These people who plan and exact their deaths-- are they doing it with a purpose in mind that isn't egocentric? I've always seen people like that as completely self-consumed. Never as a cog in a wheel- a piece of the pie, perhaps with the exception of freedom fighters. There is always more than meets the eye, however. Life has layers, just like the flower has different parts: the spadix, the petals, etc. Some are more easily seen than others. As I am lost in a crowd of people, I think of the bodies surrounding me, individual corpse flowers, growing, developing silently, each with their intented purpose. Some may help others to see what they cannot see for themselves, some may wake others up from a nightmarish dream, while others may bring some to realize the life they've always wanted. Maybe we shouldn't be so amazed by the bloom and quick death of those around us, but the silent path it takes to getting there, as it is usually filled with far more than what its death could ever depict.

	2006.09.22  08.19 hmm.. i need hugs.

	2006.09.16  11.00 There's no time like the Present For the first time in my life I actually feel that I deserve what life has handed me. Maybe it's because I worked hard for it; maybe it's because I've been remolding my views on life. I can't pretend that the past 9 months didn't rip me apart from the thoughts in my brain to the veins in my heart. Adam and I broke up exactly 9 months ago, yesterday. I don't think about this often at all anymore, however, in the time that has transpired between then and now, most of it has been very trying. There was a brief period, which when I talk to Karen about it, we refer to it as the Golden Ages of our stint at our apartment. Everyone was happy, we all hung out together all the time, played Nintendo, and Karen and I got very close with our friends down at Corleone's. It was a good time. But like all things exalted, it eventually descended into a mist of chaos, confusion and hurt. This summer Gus was my panacea although he still doesn't fully understand. Then things happened with him and he went away. This time instead of punching holes in the wall and biting myself so hard I have left permanent marks on my skin, I tried being happy. I tried loving, even in turmoil. It has turned out to be supremely beneficial, not only to myself but to those around me. It makes every day a miracle. All moments enamor me-- and if they don't, I bounce back quickly. This is why I think maybe I deserve all the goodness in my life right now. I have a direction yet again-- I am going to CCSU to get my masters in Early Childhood Education. I love my classes; I finally got the assistantship I was trying to get, and I even landed a nannying job, where I care for 3 little girls 2 days a week for more money than I ever made at the daycare. Not only that but Im getting along with my parents, my sister just moved into a new house and is having a baby in less than a month, and I am able to talk to Adam without getting sad. Gus wrote me-- sent me visitation papers, and Im nervous but happy that he is okay and willing to see me. I am also starting to make music again, and record my singing. It's all so exciting, really. Life right now is definitely one of the highest it's ever been. But I am realistic, I know it could and probably will go back down. I think Im better prepared for these falls, now. Speaking of falls, I am falling for someone that I once fell for many years ago. This is truly one of the most surprising things that has ever happened to me in my life. It actually makes me want to believe in fate, once again. How strange it is to have a second chance with someone I thought I may never see again. And now Im happy and falling in love once again. "We used to laugh a lot but only because we thought that everything good always would remain..." -jj I am not so much an idealist anymore... I know things won't always be good, but I am enjoying and embracing what I have. Mood: satisfied Music: npr news

	2006.09.14  22.50 And it's all understood.. I always wished that I was something to you like you were something to me. I sit there and I read the things you say so eloquently, and how people comment on how you and them must be so much alike or either you have the ability to make readers see themself in you. It's true. I once thought the same thing about us; I still do sometimes. You and I are so much alike, and yet not at all. But everyone seems to think that about you-- so maybe I was disillusioned. Although, I was your girlfriend, and I did sleep with you, and you did idolize me once. So maybe I stand separate from the rest. I had spent a good time being angry at you and now Im past that. I still am not happy about the fact that what happened happened or that you failed to see the pain it caused in me. You know Im just as insecure about myself as you are about yourself. Thats why it hurt so much. You knew. But Im over it. However, Im not over the fact that I am meaningless to you. You write about people all the time, and Im never mentioned. I know Im narcissistic and so I want to think I had a lasting impression, but it's not even that-- it hurts to realize that I write about you because you were a poignant part of my life but that I wasnt extraordinary in your timeline. Im reading about how angry it makes you that other people are ignorant about world issues or just anything and that they should just AUTOMATICALLY know things even though it's not possible. I feel that too, but it was because you helped me to care about those things and want the knowledge and to become consumed by npr and reading the news and having discussions. When something bad happens I still want you to know about it. I think we had some sort of connection that I havent had with anyone else. I am starting to realize that maybe I have it, too, with Jesse, my boyfriend. It's the ability to reach beyond whats seen. To have comfortability on an extreme level. To love and simultaneously hate things about the other. Well, I don't hate anything about Jesse, yet. :) But even though we don't speak, I still think about our past sometimes-- it's one I find hard to let go of emotionally. Im over you. It's not about that. It's something else. I think because of all the passion. It was my most passionate relationship and quite possibly not always for the best. Passion has many forms. There were many angry, frustrating and trying passionate moments, but it carved itself in me. I hate myself even as I write this because I know no such words will ever come out of your mouth about me. That I feel this entirely on my own without reciprocation. But it's my timeline, and my life. I made it what it is-- I choose what is so important and why. It helps me to be who I am today. And I wouldn't trade that. If you don't see me as being special, I know someone else has and will. It's all relative, really. Mood: blah

	2006.09.07  13.19 good luck has finally arrived After an exhausting few weeks of trying over and over again to get an assistantship for school, I finally got one!!!!! This is very exciting. This means that I will be refunded some of the money that I've already charged to my credit card. I had my first class last night and it was great. It is so awesome to take a class in something that I really enjoy and actually know something about it already. Children. Only one other student was just starting her masters like I was, and she is also employed at a daycare working with toddlers. Most of the others are a bit older, some married, some have kids, some are pregnant. Most of them work in elementary schools. We did a brainstorming exercise yesterday, and I already learned so much, and had so many good ideas and suggestions put in my head by other women/man in the class. I honestly can't fathom now working with children and not pursuing this path of getting my masters. It's the difference between incognizance and cognizance. Between networking and struggling to find things out on your own. Between knowledge and naivete. The stuff I am learning and will learn will be invaluable. Just as my undergraduate degree in psychology has already been immensely helpful in my working with children. It's just SO exciting. Im looking forward to doing homework. Ha. Things are finally going well. In all aspects, I think. If only I can find a second job now, I'll be all set. I called two houses today about nannying positions they had in the yankee flyer. We'll see what happens. And if not, there are a slew of daycares in the area looking for part-time help. I miss Gus every day and I wonder if he's gotten my letter and if he's going to respond, but it's weird, for the first time last night, while I was laying in bed, I got that feeling of distance. What I mean is... he's starting to feel like a dream. Like a ghost. An experience. I never said I like the fact that this is happening-- all it means is that life is continuing. And I still love him and care for him and I will most certainly keep writing him and hopefully get to visit him if he lets me. But my life is continuing without him. I told Ryan last night that I felt guilty for having feelings for someone else (yes, there's someone else).. especially because it was so unexpected. Ryan made some sort of joke, because that's what Ryan does, but then I said, "I think Gus would be happy that I am happy though." And Ryan said he agreed. That's really all he ever wanted for me. And that's really all I want for him. Part of me wants to pause time; to freeze the frame where all this happened with Gus. So it stays fresh-- not what he did-- but the memory of him. Of me recently being with him and wanting him. Just because if I can keep it extant, then I am caring about him 100%. But life is moving forward gradually, and I am sad at the fact that some day he may be just another boy I dated and I will be just another girl he saw. The weight and importance will be lifted and we will both have separate lives. I've already seen it happen with Adam. It does make me sad, because Adam was the love of my life. You know.. I saw it all: babies, marriage, grocery shopping. I am glad that he and I still talk, however. I've always wanted that, at least. And now Im getting past that... and Im seeing the weird way in which life maneuvers. And it's making a bit more sense now. I am happy with things. Very. Still surprised. But happy. This weekend is Cara's baby shower. I can't wait. And then she moves into a new home. And then a month later the new baby comes. I can't wait to hold that little thing in my arms. To have a nephew. I remember when I was still adament on moving to CA and found out about Cara's pregnancy.. I was disappointed that I wouldn't be around for the shower or the birth. That I would miss a good deal of the child's youth and upbringing. It really made me want to stay. And now that I've stayed, gotten the assistantship, will be able to save money, and reconnected with Jesse and made some new friends, I am glad that I didnt go. Part of me still thinks though, that I could have been happy had I gone. There are many ways life could have gone, I suppose. But I am thankful for my present. Mood: happy Music: drilling. they are putting a furnace in downstairs.

	2006.09.03  13.47 just a ramble So, I have to say that I recommend the new RHCP cd to everyone. Stadium Arcadium. It's got some good tunes on it. Thanks Caelum for burning it for me. :) I was in Willimantic the other day for Karen's birthday. And us girls went to the drive-in; I must say it is quite interesting, I wish I had gone sooner. We played on the swingset too, which is never a bad idea (unless you've had too much to drink, probably). Those girls are a lot of fun; I'm glad that I have some girls to hang out with from time to time. So I've got a lot of Birthday Present-ing to do. Normally I dont buy people presents. Or even make them. I do make people things more often than I buy them, but I only do it when I know the person will really like what Im doing for them. I've been doing a lot of it lately, however, beause I keep thinking of things people will like, and everyone is having birthdays. Im not going to say what Im doing for Jess or Karen, in case they read this, but Natalie is going to be 3 on the 16th and I've already decided that Im going to send her a brown care-bear (Tender heart bear) because she told me she doesnt have that one, and maybe a few pictures of her and I that I've taken. Matthew's 3rd birthday is the 24th and I'd like to be able to give him something, but I don't have his address... so I dont know that I can. I have a few pictures of him that are adorable and I'd like to give them to his mother, though. So Kristen wants me to come back for vacations, and I actually think I'd like to do that. I really do want to be able to keep in contact with these kids; I love them. Last night was fun, too. Todd, Jason, Katie and I went to this bar, only to find out they actually were carding that night, and we had to bring Jason back. But then we went back and a bunch of Katie's friends were there, so we played "asshole" with them; I haven't played that card game in a very long while, so it was enjoyable. I only had one drink, because I was really exhausted but it was still fun. Everyone always tells me, "You have a lot of friends". and it's funny to me, beceause, yes, I do, I guess, but Im always making more and losing some. I don't always keep friends-- not that I do it on purpose or maybe not that they do either, it just happens because people grow apart. But I make new friends pretty rapidly. And that's why it seems as though I have so many perhaps. I love making connections with people. Life is all about experiences and love. And the more I am able to do that, the better. So there's this boy that's popped back up from my past... it's amazing how after so many years I can still remember why I thought his eyes were so beautiful. It was one of my first thoughts upon seeing him again. I guess some things never change. Alas, I must shower, because Ryan and I are hanging out today... if I ever get my ass in gear. :-P Ciao i miei amici.

	2006.08.28  00.00 things are on the up perhaps

	2006.08.13  11.09 We all know only the strong survive Now so many things make sense, but I still don't know a thing... I woke up this morning with puffy eyelids and the realization that you can't see the trees alit with the morning's sun from your bedroom window or hear the waterfall cascading below you, down the hill. This isn't about me. Reading your name in the paper sends an unmitigated, searing pain to my heart. Not for me, but for you. You told me a week ago that I was fooling myself about you, and I didn't really understand why you would have said that. But now I do. You said that you don't think that you're as wonderful and caring as I think you are. I replied that I only know what I've seen. But, no one saw this coming. And now so many things you've said are falling into place-- that you've felt withdrawn from me, that you wouldn't be a good boyfriend to me, that you felt like your well of caringness is empty. But, This isn't about me. Admittedly, I flipped out when I heard the news. I cried, I shook, I screamed. I curled up on the floor and sobbed. I thought about you and the things you might have said. It broke my heart-- because you see, we are tied. You and I. Emotionally, physically tied. And I was feeling pain for you. You once said that you wished you could go outside and cut down a tree, if that would make my pain go away. If surrendering a forest for you would help, I would. But nothing can help. Nothing can be done. All the moments I self-pitied because you took your love away from me, or because you hesitated to kiss me are irrelevant now. I slept next to you so many nights-- thinking I knew your thoughts. Looking at the things in your room and knowing I'd be back. You have my book, you have pictures of us kissing that I wanted. But it doesn't matter, This isn't about me. I wondered this morning as I lay in bed where your poem I wrote you was; the one that starts: "I like Gus, he's buff enough to move a bus; and he never does whine or fuss when Karen and I ask him to do stuff for us..." But I know exactly where it is. These are natural thoughts to have. When I see you I will hug you and look you in the eyes. Make sure you realize I don't judge you, and I only love you for the human you are. Nobody expected this, but the people who truly love you don't care what mistakes you make. It pains me-- I am filled with hurt for you, but it is because no matter what you say, I know the caring person inside you, I've seen it, I've felt it with my heart, and my heart doesn't lie.

	2006.08.13  02.05 i dont think anything has got me down like this has got me down.

	2006.08.06  13.28 I miss him...

	2006.08.06  13.18 Piano Fun Last night was so weird and ended up being really fun. So I drove to Chesire to hang out with my K-diz because I missed her. And we were trying to see if Gus was having his party.. but everyone was avoiding us. So whatever. Anyways, I did her hair all pretty and we had girlie time chatting and then we went to two different bars in Chesire. Woopie right? Well at the first one we just sat outside for a bit but not many people were there so we left and went to the other one where a younger crowd hangs out. That was fun and this dude with a mohawk that Karen knew from high school was chatting with us. He asked if we wanted to play pool with him and his buddy and we said ya. So Karen goes to the bathroom and the buddy goes, "You're really hot and cute". I ignored and continued to set up the pool table. Then he takes his pool stick and sticks it up my skirt and lifts it. I told him not to touch me and he said "But youre really hot and cute" and then he did it again and I told him not to touch me and "Oh, of course, so it's MY fault you're touching me?" because Im hot and cute. And he called me an asshole and I told him that I didnt want to play or be near him and left. Karen missed the whole thing, but I told the bartender about it and shortly after we left. I felt so violated. Id never been that openly sexually harassed before. But fortunately the night got better because then we went back to the first bar and I made my standard drunken dial to Neal and Karen went in to get a beer. When I was done talking to Neal I go and sit down with her and she's talking to two guys. This one guy, his name was Joel, and I were talking about playing the piano and we hit it off (not in THAT way, I wasnt interested like that, but we hit it off as friends, I guess, I mean) and Karen and I ended up going over to their place when the bar closed. She stayed downstairs and hung out with the guy whose bday it was and I went to play the piano with Joel upstairs. We literally sat at the piano and recorded music for four hours. It was AWESOME. Totally awesome, and he REALLY liked my playing and recorded it because he thought it was so ingenious which is definitely one of the best compliments Ive ever gotten. And then he played (and he was very good) Coldplay songs and I sang into a mic and we recorded it and it was just so fun. We were up til 6:30am just playing music. Innocently. That's all it was. I got his number, not because I liked him like that but because I want to play music with him again. This is what I needed. A spark to jump-start my playing/singing again. And I got home just a bit ago and the first thing I did was sit at the piano and figure out how to play the songs he was playing last night. And I looked up Coldplay piano chords online, and they actually had free sheet music. So Im teaching myself how to play "Clocks" "The Scientist" and one other one, I forgot the name of it temporarily but it's off X & Y. Karen had a lot of fun too. So our night was way more eventful than we imagined and I had way more fun that I expected to have. I felt bad because Karen wanted to come upstairs and chat and I think she thought I was getting busy or something, which I totally wasnt, but she was scared to come in the room. She comes in and I have a glass of wine, headphones on, and we're sitting at the piano singing and playing. Ha. So that definitely made up for the getting sexually assaulted by a drunken asshole.

	2006.08.05  15.50 arrived on time I had to pick my dad up from the airport late last night because my step-mom is out of town on business. The airport is always bustling with activity no matter what the hour. It has a quality of liveliness, of homeness that other public places do not. You witness people hugging and kissing or lingering around for hours, sometimes, waiting for departures/arrivals-- you start to recognize and know the people surrounding you because you're in such close proximity. But in reality-- you know nothing intimate about these peoples' lives except for what book they are reading, what kind of coffee they like, or what obscenities they yell at their children while their kids get restless and obnoxious waiting around. I stood waiting for my dad to arrive and observed the people around me. For each person awaiting a reuniting, I envisioned what they were waiting for: a lover that was away on business, a family member who was overseas, a friend one hasnt seen in years. I envision grandiose things. When I see people reuniting, I still imagine that I know their lives and pretend I know what these peoples' relations are to one another. I wonder if anyone had wondered who I was waiting for? The flight to arrive minutes before my father's was from Albuquerque, NM. I knew right away when I saw all the dark-skinned, brightly clothed, Spanish speaking people reuniting with their more drab counterparts. As people all around me were smiling and exchanging greetings, I imagined my own ersatz scenario. Instead of waiting for my father who was coming in on the next flight, I reveried about the arrival of my exboyfriend. Of course, I didn't daydream about it as him being my ex, I was merely thinking about how if we hadn't broken up that could have been him arriving from this flight for a visit. Me running up to him, throwing my arms around him, everyone else looking upon new love with a jealous eye. But I didnt daydream about it like I wanted it to happen, it was more of a "had things been different, this COULD be my scenario right now instead of waiting for my dad..." Of course, I doubt he would have been able to visit-- but it was my reverie. I can manipulate details if I want to. When my dad finally arrived, we exchanged mild pleasantries-- the passersby probably realizing this was my father and a routine business trip that had him away for only a short period of time. While we waited for his luggage, I observed the other flight-- Albuquerque-- and its people. Bright-eyed and tired, exotic and out of place. People who seem nothing much like myself; people with a different sense of style, a different culture, and yet people whom I viewed with jealousy because they resided much closer than I did to a part of me that I have lost. On the drive home there was no excitement, there wasn't much to tell of the trip, and the usual annoyances transpired between my dad and I. The lonely dark roads, wooded heavily on both sides, guided us home, accompanied by a song that I told my dad my ex once used to sing to me. It was only a coincidence that the song came on, but it put a capstone on the late night that evoked foolish thoughts and memories that can never be reseen. Mood: pensive Music: "fix you" by coldplay

	2006.07.31  21.57 fiddle fest This weekend was the annual East Benton Fiddle Fest that Joel raves about every year. This year I decided to go. Unfortunately, The Mammals, whom I love, did not play there this year because they are becoming big and probably had other things to do. Anyways. It was good to get away, but I spent a lot of time in the car thinking. We drove through some crazy thunderstorms that were pretty crazy, and we ate at the Friendly Toast, which is one of our favorite places to go. There are so many things about him that are just so comfortable because I feel like I've known him for eons. But at the same time, whether he'd like to admit it or not, our same problems are there. The ones that we broke up over. We've gotten along much better since we broke up eons ago, but the Joel that I know that can say vicious things sometimes comes out.. and I don't like it. Aside from a few minor quarrels, though, we managed to have some fun. I met his sister's boyfriend. He was a cool dude. I think the funnest part of the trip was the drive up, the Friendly Toast, and hanging out with Joel's sister and boyfriend, all of us drinking wine and talking about old memories the night before we headed off for the Fiddle Fest. See, what I love about Joel (platonically) is that he is so comfortable, but it's also what irks me. The old never changes, it just festers sometimes. It gets resurfaced.. it's strenuous, sometimes I don't like being reminded of it. He's one of those past relationships that is best reserved for the past and not brought up. But he likes to bring it up. Which makes me unhappy and uncomfortable if it is anything more than a mere mention of a nostalgic memory. Anyways, the stars were gorgeous, and I also forgot how much I love un-damp places to sleep with mattresses. We played mancala by the fireside, which is an old-time favorite of ours. Well, the game is, this is the first time we've endeavored to play it by the fire. We all watched tons of little ones run around in summer dresses and white bellies and dance to the music. The boys flirting with the little girls. Poor little boys didnt stand a chance. Heh. There was homemade icecream, which was delicious. I struggled so hard to eat mine, and when I finished they were all laughing at me because it was so disgustingly humorous to watch me groan and lick and finish and hold my belly. Everyone got sunburned except for me. Actually, my shoulders are a little tender but that should be gone completely by tomorrow Im suspecting. I wrote a poem by the fireside last night. Maybe I'll post it later. After revision. Just some thoughts I was having at the time. It was good to get away, but Im so glad that Im back. Mood: drained

	2006.07.25  07.12 Things that make you feel good Sunday night I was looking forward to going into work on Monday and seeing the faces I love. Sometimes I don't look forward to it, because it's Monday, it's always hectic, and I am still in weekend mode. But I missed them. When I came in I ran into Natalie's mom in the hallway who was like, "Oh, good, you're here. Maybe you can make her stop crying." She's been in the habit of throwing fits in the mornings now. Not sure why-- she never used to. So I go in and I told her to come over and she shushed up and hugged me. I dont think anything can make a person feel better than knowing they are a comfort to someone. I love my kids. Late in the afternoon I saw Billy-- who is one of my favorite little boys, if not my favorite, and he has been moved to preschool now. I yelled at him to come over to the fence and he gave me a big hug. Then as I was leaving, I was just joking around with him a bit, and then I asked him for a kiss, and he puckers up and plants one on my lips and goes, "MUAH!". I love him. I remember when I was dating Adam and was so in love I would think sometimes how it's weird that I am so in love with these children, too. It was so overwhelming sometimes. But it was the same feelings -- just without the romance. You really do fall in love. And then when I was going through a hard time, these kids were the only things that made me happy, literally. I'd wake up, feel numb, go to work, feel loved, drive home, feel numb, cry, go to bed.. repeat. Now I have something else that makes me happy, too. But these kids are a huge source of happiness for me. I love them and I dont know how to face leaving them. It's like breaking up. Mood: loved

	2006.07.23  22.35 A quick note I am a very anxious person. But I know there's always a cause for the anxiety. Mine was that I wasn't in control of myself. Then I thought about it, meditated on it and realized that I am a self-actualized person with confidence and love. Everything is going to be okay. There's no need to rush things in life. Just live and let live. All good things come in time. And I am sculpting my mind and body in the meantime into inner peace, balance, and contentedness. I used to do this one a daily basis and lost sight of it. I have good friends however that bring me back to homeostasis when I need it. Voices of reason, supporters of my inherent worth and abilities. I had a shitty evening. It started out well and ended well but after kicking a ball around with my friend Jack for awhile and making him listen to me babble and him giving advice in return, and then seeing Todd, too, my step mom once again manages to drive me insane. To make me hate myself and her. I just walked into the kitchen this time and said, "What did I do this time?" and when she told me I nearly wanted to laugh because of the inaneness of it all.. I rolled my eyes and started to walk away because of how ridiculous it was.. but the truth is, it really hurt me. It does every time. Im not going to let things make me vulnerable anymore. I have two bruises on my arms from this weekend... I felt the need to inflict pain so that the anxiety would feel less burdensome. But I dont feel like that now. Im feeling peaceful right now. And I hope with that peacefulness I am able to transfer that energy to those surrounding me. I dont want there to be anymore pain.

	2006.07.22  21.41 How long do I have to climb up on the side of this mountain of mine... I could be thinking about anyone. Often times it's someone from my past. I am very nostalgic. This time it's not. It's not an ex.. it's someone from my present. This is surprising to me. I often reminisce about past relationships, and it's not because I want them back necessarily; I value beautiful things. I've had a lot of beautiful moments. I like to reminisce and write about them. Sometimes this gets mistaken for me wanting to have that now. I don't write fiction. I'm no good at it. What I am good at, however, is taking an experience and turning it into a beautiful, eloquent piece of writing that is full of passion and leaves other people with the emotions I once felt. That is why I write. Also, it's an exodus. But tonight, I am thinking about him. Not an ex. It started maybe a little less than a month ago. The feeling that even if I had originally intended it to be ambiguous, that maybe now I didn't want it to be. He introduced me as "his friend" at a 4th of July party we went to, and I almost broke in and said, "he means, girlfriend" but didn't. Because that's how I was starting to feel whether or not we actually gave it a title. I mean.. we are friends. But we're way more than that. We're not fuck buddies or friends with benefits, we're something. I read a letter earlier today that I haven't looked at in a very long time. This is because it is quite possibly the most emotionally laden, upsetting letter I've ever read. It is from an ex. Someone I don't talk to anymore. He wrote something that at the time I didn't agree with, but definitely do now. He said, "I don't care if we didnt have a title, for the past two months I've been your boyfriend and you've most certainly been my damned girlfriend". That's how I've felt for the past month or so. I guess just giving it an actual title ensures assurance. It gives entitlement to feelings that we've both been feeling but have been telling ourselves for the past two months we have no right to feel. I felt guilty when I kissed someone else. I dont even want to do that with anyone else anymore. He said he had no right to be upset. I felt he had every right. I get jealous when he makes plans without telling me about them, and it's because I feel like his girlfriend. It's weird how slowly, without really realizing it, people morph into something more permanent and important in your mind. It hadn't struck me fully until just recently. I always thought he was cute, but now when we lay in bed and all we can see is the close-up view of one another's countenance, my heart melts at the sight of his jawline, his smile, which is gorgeous, and his eyes. The first time I really noticed it was one day when we were just staring at each other and he opened his eyes really wide with excitement, and I felt something.. like a spark, I guess, to be cliché. I never tell him about these things because, first of all, he doesn't take compliments well, and second of all, because I don't open up to people well. I'm very guarded. He'd tell me I was gorgeous and I'd make him a picture using glitter at work. That was just my way of showing I cared for him, too. I am sitting, alone, at home, while he is at the bar. He feels withdrawn from me, and I'm thinking about how good he smells, when in the car, I lean over and rest my head on his arm, kiss it. It's lonely to know he's not thinking about me, too. I wish I could have explained, months ago, that I just needed to say that I didnt want a relationship in order to become prepared for a relationship. But I couldn't say that, of course. I had to let things take their course. I'm scared to be close to people. Several times in the past 24 hrs I've said to myself "fuck this", which is something he told me he's thought before about us when he was in danger of being hurt. It's called a defense mechanism. We put up walls, but I know that he's a wonderful person. It's funny, because he's told me of things he's done, bad things, that maybe I might have thought about being judgemental about, but I'm not at all. To me all they show is that he's human. His good heart shines through very clearly. He's one of the most selfless, caring people I've come across, and I told myself repeatedly, and others, about how lucky I was to have him. Unfortunately, I never told him that. He has been amazingly tolerant of me and everything I've been going through, and he's been 100% supportive and completely caring and affectionate and sensitive. I think any girl would be extremely lucky to have a guy like him, I just realized I want it to be me. He said to me the other day that he is extremely giving, as in, if anyone asks him for anything he will drop what he's doing and help, but that to give himself emotionally is more difficult. He has this issue with his parents. I am starting to see it's not just his parents that he has this problem with. Once I started returning the feelings he felt towards me more readily and more frequently, I noticed he stopped responding as much. Maybe he's the one who's not ready. If that's the case, Im more than willing to wait. It's almost as if he doesn't believe someone could think such wonderful things about him. I don't know if it's because he feels guilt for things he's done in his past, or if it's because of past relationships, or because he's always had poor self-esteem, but I look at him and I see this beautiful creature. I don't mean physically, even though he's easy on the eyes, I mean.. his heart and being just radiate goodness. I don't care what he's done in his past, he treats people better than most people I know, he goes out of his way for people on a constant basis, he loves his family and is dedicated to them (something I cannot do), and put up with my antics for much longer than he should of. Honestly, I want him, but I don't think I deserve him. He needs someone around to tell him how wonderful he is daily. I can do that. I want to do that. This isn't just about a place to stay during the week, or comforting arms to cry into. It's not just about good sex or free beer, this is about a person who makes me incredibly happy most of the time. Someone who has cared for me, let me talk about my exes, cultured me a bit about movies, given me a haven, and shown me that good people still exist. if you never try then you'll never know... Music: "talk" by coldplay

	2006.07.19  06.35 unhappy Seriously thinking of just "offing" myself this morning. I watched the moving The Secretary the other night with Gus, and the main character hurts herself physically whenever something else is messed up in her life. I didn't tell Gus, but I related 100% to that feeling and I've done it before. I feel like doing it now. I am hurting so badly, and it is so pointless (I am upset about parental stuff) that I might as well do them a favor and get rid of myself. No matter how hard I try to be a good daughter, if I leave one pot in the sink for longer than they want me to, Im on the shitlist. I am left dirty, nasty notes EVERY morning by Ellen, giving me a call-by-call of the events I managed to screw up the previous night. Doesn't she ever get tired? Yesterday Natalie was mad at me because I told her to share a toy with another kid. She sulked and then she spat on the little chair we have in our room. I put her in time-out for spitting on the chair. I said, "Natalie, did you spit on that chair because you were mad at me?" *she nods* "Next time don't do that, everyone uses that chair." But I couldn't help actually understanding that little trigger that goes off in her head that screams revenge. I used to do it all the time. Anytime anything bothered me, I'd just go and do something little. Something unnoticeable most likely. Just enough to make me feel better. If it was Ellen (which it mostly was), I'd go into her room and move things around on her dresser (everything is in it's exact place). Seriously, my heart is hurting so badly right now. When I first moved back home, I vowed to try as hard as I could to be good for them just so I couldn't get yelled at. I went out of my way constantly to let them know if someone was coming over, I cleaned up after myself as much as I could, and I called when I wasnt going to be there or if I was coming home. But after a few treatments from Ellen being mega-bitch, well, I don't have it in me anymore to try. There's absolutely no point. I know Im not the one who is doing wrong here. Anyone who hates black people because they're black and openly admits it-- isn't right. Im pretty sure she's not right about most other things. She's a country bumpkin; she's spoiled to fuck by my father, and she's ignorant and immature and has never had her own children. She doesnt know what unconditional love is. She doesn't know what love is, period, I think, sometimes. Either that, or she literally has none for me. Because to berate and bare down on someone every day of their lives, over meaningless stuff that makes them literally want to hurt themselves because they cant take the pain of being a burden, never good enough, and never able to explain themselves. Ya, congradufuckinglations, Ellen, you win. I hate you.

	2006.07.17  06.34 murder I had the oddest dream this morning... it was really like a scene from a movie. This man gets shot in the head, from up above, in the middle of the street. Another man, being near-by, tries to protect this man because everyone else has run away, and he can run too, but why? So he puts his hands over the man's head. (of course this wont stop a bullet but whatever). and then the man shoots again, and it goes through the man's hands.. but everyone else just ran... (Also, I think it was my first dream in black and white. At least it seemed black and white.) Maybe this should get looked up in the dream directory. However, I wonder if I went to MURDER if it would redirect me to: bodily wounds or something ambiguous. Ha. That thing is crap. I don't know why I let it get to me so much, but being at home even for less than 24 hours makes me want to jump off a bridge. Okay, let me rephrase it. For nearly every second that Im here, I feel that if I were to be appraised for worth, my value would be decreasing by the hour. That's better. My parents like to take stabs at me for the minutest of things done wrong-- but make a huge deal out of it. They never notice the things I do for them or the things I do correctly, just the littlest things that ANYONE could do wrong. Katy was over and we were in my room and the first thing Ellen says to me when they get home is, "Dont leave your toothbrush on the ledge anymore, it's getting toothpaste everywhere and it's peeling the wall paper" (all in a nasty voice). When I simply reasoned that it wont fit elsewhere, she tells me to throw out my toothbrush and get a new one. Then tells me that I need to stop getting toothpaste spit all over the sink and that she had to clean it and that I needed to clean the shower, even tho I just did it last time they asked (not long ago enough that it needs to be done again, trust me). Then, I got berated for having Katy over and not asking them first. My dad wasnt mad, he understood, but Ellen was being a bitch about the fact that Katy's car is in the way. Ok, no biggy, we move it. And then this morning, I awake, and there's a note left for me telling me to be more careful because I left the freezer door open just a bit and I probably ruined everything inside and that she hopes I dont get sick when I eat my frozen lunch today. She wasn't saying she hopes I wont get sick to be nice. She was saying it to be bitchy. I know the inflections in her voice. Either way, you probably see these as nothing bc you dont hear their tone of voice or the urgency of it. Katy turned around right after I got berated for the toothbrush and was like "OMG!" and I was like, yes this is a daily occurrence. It's not that I dont think that they're wrong and I'm right. No, it's not that. It's about humility and understanding, and love. Im not a careless person. Anyone who knows me well knows how I am meticulous about taking care of my things. BUT everyone makes little mistakes like that, and for them to point them out every single time and yell at me, you dont even know what it does to me. I feel like I can't take a step without getting anxious. My friends think Im funny because I tell them to move their car to a different spot before my parents come home lest I get yelled at. Or Ill run around putting things away before they get home so that I dont get yelled at. Or, I put away a lounging chair I was using to suntan outside and then express aloud how I hope it doesnt fall and hit my dad's car.. who actually fears that? I take extra precautions just SO I wont get yelled at, filled to the brim with anxiety whenever I hear the garage door open, and then I still manage to miss something according to the house police. They fill me with anxiety and dread. I dont even like co-existing for a day with them. That is what it is about. It is about making me feel like my worth is contigent on how WELL I can do duties and stay out of their way. I put all the items in the dish drainer away yesterday. Did anyone notice that? No. The other day Gus expressed to me how people shouldn't be judged based on their accomplishments, or ambitions or goals. I completely agree, even though I may not have conveyed this well in the past. It's just ingrained in me-- this feeling that I NEED to be something, that I NEED to do well, that I HAVE to have goals. Because of my parents. My dad is not proud of me. He'll say he is, but behind closed doors, I am constantly told that I have a shitty job and that I majored in a shitty major. That I make the wrong decisions when it comes to relationships/schools, that I am lazy. I've always been measured by how WELL I do, not the type of PERSON I am. I think this leaks into my mentality a bit and I start to want to measure other people, too. But I DO value people for who they are. Immensely. And luckily for me, I have amazing friends who are incredible people. One of my friends the other day said to me, "I am surprised by how 'quality' your friends are. They are quality people" and I was like DUH. I only befriend quality people. But I guess not everyone does. All I know is that everytime I think that I am okay or that Im strong or that I can get along with my parents, I am hurt incredibly by them and they never know... I cannot wait to get away today after work and go to my mom's. I'll find somewhere else to go for the rest of the week. Anywhere but here. It's a shame, because my dad and step mom arent ALWAYS mean, they have their moments of niceness, but their disregard for my feelings and for my intrinsic worth gets in the way so much that it's ruined the appeal of family for me. It's a crying shame. Mood: okay

	2006.07.12  20.16 steak knives I am not having a good night. Ok, well, it started last night, I think. Or maybe, I think, Sunday night. Either way, last night I had this feeling as I was going to bed that I let something go that I shouldn't have. In other words, I made myself vulnerable. I said/did/portrayed too much emotion. I am not getting the responses I want back. I am getting that eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach from worrying. Tonight, Peter cut his hand open as he was trying to make dinner for us, because I'm staying with him for the night. He was freaking out, so I was freaking out, and I drove him to his parents' where his dad took him to the hospital. I have a weird feeling of conspiracy. Nothing to do with Peter's wounded hand. I went into myspace today and had no new messages. So I yelled at my friend Ryan for never writing me back and he said he did. So I went and looked, and lo-and behold there it was. But it was marked as read. I never read it. I dont know. Weird. And I have this weird feeling separately from that that people seem to be apathetic to me. I dont know.. I am not happy today. I dont know what happened, how to fix it. Or if anything is different, or if it's just me. I just have daydreams of wildflowers. Of something done to my surprise. Of romanticism.. Maybe that's my problem. Im expecting too much from people.