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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2008.06.26  07.02 Trying You know how people use the expression, "trying to wrap their minds around something"? -- like a concept or thought that is just a little too difficult to understand? I think that is where our problem lies... in trying to wrap. The universe and all that it includes is way too much for our little brains to wrap. I think the answer is that we must conform. Surrender. Exist. Letting the answers flow in. I have always taken pride in being an intellectual. In analyzing. In thinking about things and coming to conclusions. I've been reading one of Jesse's books, "Be Here Now", which was written in the 60's I think by Ram Dass, and it is about yoga, drugs, meditation, and the way. I had about a 1000 thoughts that made sense to me while reading this book, and then realized, that although I analyzed something in a philosophical manner until it made more sense, that I was so far away from the truth, because I won't just STOP and listen. I don't know how to shut off my brain. I've also always taken pride in being able to understand "big picture" concepts. I've never been one for details-- but I can see the way in which everything in the universe is tied. I can understand it and explain it. My boyfriend seems to think that I am "smart", as in academically smart. I've never really thought I excelled in this form.. I guess you could call my intelligence more like wisdom. But even in my sagaciousness-- I am so far away. I am sitting here typing my thoughts into words, because I don't know any other way-- when I need to sit back and release my brain from its body. I think the reason why people are so out of tune with one another is because our own minds are racing at a million thoughts per second. If we were all open vessels, we would sense each other's energies and emotional states. I do this, naturally, do to my empathic nature, but imagine if I ceased to have an ego all together? What I would learn about others? I'm almost always only thinking about myself. And even when I'm not-- I'm thinking about others from "Amanda's perspective" from her ego. From her identity. It's inherently selfish and focused. Perhaps this is something to work on. I've also been wondering why I've been feeling depressed lately. Is it the smoking of things? Is it my job? Is it the price of gas? Is it unresolved issues? Is it the lack of intimacy? It is probably all these things and more... My boyfriend feels the same way. I am empathetic to him whether I want to be or not (trust me, I don't want to be all the time). I think that I am soaking in his energy when we are together, living here, in this space. I'm not sure what to do about it, or if there is anything to do about it. Can one change the energy in the room? Can one combat negative energy and replace it with positive energy even if it is fabricated? These things I know not. But perhaps, I shall work on them. We'll see. Mood: lazy

	2008.05.26  09.26 Pending Summertime A few weeks ago, we all got a small taste of Summer. The weather was abnormally warm. It was as if we bypassed Spring completely, moving full speed ahead right into Summer's heat. However, then, a cold spell washed through and made us all grumpy, and yesterday was the first day that felt like Summer again since then. When the weather gets warm, especially on sunny days, I suddenly feel alive again, as if my bones have been exhumed from my wintery grave. And it's a surprising feeling, even though it happens the same way every year, because I don't realize how dead my body had become in those winter months. It's more like apathy or numbness instead of death. So, when warm weather finally comes, I want to be out in it as much as possible. Yesterday, Jesse and I decided to walk on the Simsbury bike path, since now it is only .3 miles from our apartment. We did approximately a 4 mile walk. It was nice. I wanted to go hiking, instead, but because he hasn't been working out regularly like me, he wanted to stick to something flat. And it was nice, I have to admit, to be in the sunshine. Today is Memorial Day, and I have the day off from work, so now I'm trying to decide what I want to do with my day. I really want to get my bike, so I can go bike riding, but it is at my parent's house, and it doesn't fit in my car easily. Jesse and I were supposed to get up early and go to a free yoga class, so he could try it and decide what he thought of it, but as I expected, he changed his mind and was all grumpy to me this morning. It disappoints me, because he is missing out, but it is his choice. So instead, I am having some me-time. Then, I will probably go for a walk outside later on. I also need to work on my portfolios for work and call the insurance company because of my car accident, but I don't want to... :( I feel grumpy and in a bad mood this morning, but I know that once I go outside, it will subside and be forgotten, because the sun's warming rays will be on my face and back and connect me back with the source. Mood: grumpy Music: "handlebars" by the flobots

	2008.02.08  10.39 A New Job I am sitting here typing this with a stuffy nose and a lethargic body. For the past week or so, I have been working in an infant classroom, picking up baby after baby, trying to soothe them, failing a lot of the time. Today is my last day of nannying. Since I have landed this new job, I have been thinking about the past year and a half I have spent with the Leite girls. These three small girls, Madeleine, Beatrice, and Josephine (I call her Josie), have practically been my adopted children for quite some time. I never really loved the nannying experience. Although I love each and every girl, I did not particularly like the pace and arhythmic beat of each day. Never knowing whose house I'm going to be at or if the father will be staying home that day was a major stress factor for me. Also, trying to come up with activities for them to do during the sometimes-nine-hour-stretches that I'd be with them was really tough. Most people would love to get paid 13 dollars under-the-table to sit around, eat other peoples' food, and watch tv. OF COURSE, I did much more than that, and of course, my days were not stress free. However, the pace of a nannying day is quite often fairly slow. Lots of time for leisure. I did not like this, considering I have an "A-type" personality and enjoy being busy. I like structure and knowing when I am leaving each day and where I am going to be. So naturally, I thought that switching back to the daycare routine would be a perfect solution to the restlessness, boredom, and frustration I was feeling with my nannying job. Also, I am in need of more cash and some benefits. I started my new job already, on the days that I have not been nannying. I have to say, I do not really like my job. The children are cute, but all of them are sick. I am sick, but still have to rush around for 9 hours tending to 8 children. The stress is through the roof, and I do not get to do fun activities with the children since they are barely able to stand or walk. These are the really young guys; I prefer toddler through pre-school age. I am actually over-joyed that today I am nannying, albeit my last day. I got to sleep an extra two hours this morning, which I desperately needed since I have been sick for almost a week. I get to spend time with children, whom I know I can handle. Whom I know that I am skilled with. Starting a new job, in a relatively new environment (really young babies are not my expertise), has made me feel inadequate for most of the hours I've spent there. Madeleine, Beatrice, and Josephine come to me for comfort. They stop crying when I soothe them. They talk to me to tell me what's wrong. And they love me. Perhaps in time, these "waddlers" I am now in charge of, will come to feel soothed by me as well. Luckily for me, the girls' parents still want me to be the weekend babysitter. I do love those girls, I just needed a change of pace and more cashflow. Now that I have a change of pace, I am fearful that I have made a mistake-- that this is not the job for me. But I keep reminding myself that I will get better at what I am doing, and that the days DO INDEED go by faster, even if I barely get a chance to eat or sit down. Jesse, my boyfriend, has recently become newly employed, himself. He is doing third-shift at Walmart, a job he is way OVER-qualified for. He hates it, naturally, as do I, because we aren't going to be seeing or hearing much of each other until he gets a new job, but we keep reminding ourselves that this is a step in the right direction, a start towards our goal: an apartment and some cash. We hope to have a place by June, so both of us working is an integral part of that goal. One thing I have learned about myself through these experiences is that I am abundantly optimistic. If there ever was a time for me to retain optimism, this surely is it. Even though I am leaving my beloved girls, and even though I am doing a job that I hate to admit I don't love, and even though Jesse is working night time hours, I have been able to see it in a positive way. Working with these infants is testing my patience. It is heping me to gain experience that I will surely need. The day really does go by faster, which is something I wanted. I am moving around the classroom a lot, and not stuffing my face all day long, which I had a tendency to do at my other job, so I am not intaking as much junkfood calories. And, I am still able to do yoga during the week. Also, Jesse is not going to be at his job forever. As soon as he can, he is going to become recertified to be a CNA and he will have a new job and some medical insurance. And hopefully, in no time, we will be able to rent our first apartment together and I will be out of my house. Things have never really been a piece of cake for me. I am used to enduring hardships. I am used to not getting exactly what I want. I think that mindset actually helps me to push through yucky situations without giving up easily. I've never walked out on a job, I've never just not shown up. I have always persevered, and I will persevere through this as well. I want to eventually be in a toddler room, which I think is achievable. I won't be where I am indefinitely. A new job brings with it new stresses, but it holds the potential to bring with it new joys as well.

	2007.12.28  08.51 On Holiday I survived another Christmas. It wasn't so bad with my sister and her boyfriend, Jason, here. We all love him. And Jesse got to stay with us for like 5 days as well. So it was much better than I had anticipated. I get nervous around the holidays because I never know how I am going to feel. I don't really like the idea Christmas has turned into, and I don't have very much money. Plus the idea of spending family time with my family sometimes is not something I really love. But this year it was fine. We had one dramatic moment Christmas Eve, but it blew over. It was nice to spend times with my sisters, together, mostly. And of course, playing with the Conor miester. Cutest. Baby. Ever. (Except for when I have kids). Today Krissy and Jason go back home; I had to say goodbye to them yesterday because I am up early today. I have to go back to work (granted its for one day... but still). I am going to have a loooong day with three girlies. I hope they liked my Christmas gifts. I got used to having Jesse at the house (and Kris and Jason). It was nice to not always be the center of drama.. or the reason for it. It was nice to be able to slip into the other room unnoticed if some sort of drama arose. It was nice to have Ellen be so jovial most of the time because Krissy was here. It was just nice. I didn't mind having Jesse there to rub my back before sleep every night either. But I get to see him today after work. I just am so blah about my job. It's weird. I love the girls. I have fun with them. But I don't really love the job. If that makes sense. I am ready for something else, but I know that I am going to miss them a lot. This journal is really of no value except to spout out random things floating in my head.. so don't mind the scattered-brain quality of it. And the lack of depth....

	2007.12.19  11.19 Uselessness I had a thought last night as I read more from this book on Taoism that I have (I have been reading it before bed every night as sort of a calming experience to silence my mind and help me sleep instead of watching television). I wrote a little while back about accomplishment. This was before I was reading about Taoism, but what I wrote reminded me of one of the main themes of Taoism: usefulness versus uselessness. Essentially, my piece was referring to how one cannot become accomplished in society unless he has done many things (mainly, things of prestige), and it is something I battle with because I feel accomplished simply because I love my boyfriend the best that I can, I practice yoga, and I try hard every day to be a better person. According to the Tao, being useless is the most important thing. For example, Thirty spokes share the wheel's hub; It is the center hole that makes it useful. Shape clay into a vessel; It is the space within that makes it useful. Cut doors and windows for a room; It is the holes which make it useful. Therefore profit comes from what is there; Usefulness from what is not there. -Eleven, Tao Te Ching In this short metaphor, Lao Tzu shows how the most "useful" (or important) things are that which are actually not there. I find this particular passage somewhat confusing, because it is a translation, and Taoism refers to the empty spaces (like doors and windows) as actually the "useless" because it is NON-material, but in turn, being "useless" is what is useful for us. So the wording is a bit confusing because this translation uses the word useful, but it is actually emphasizing that the useless is what is important (or useful to us). To further explain what I mean, if you had a house, or a room, with four walls, the space in the middle, the nothingness, is what makes it useful, right? The walls are the actual material-- the "useful" stuff, but it is not really useful at all, because how can you live inside a wall? You must live within the space it creates when you put four walls together. Also, how can you get into the room without a space for the door? The void, the useless, is what is useful. In another example, if a man is concerned with only the useful, the actual ground which lies exactly beneath where his feet are standing, then the rest of the world is useless because he is not using it. But the useless is important, because if the rest of the vast world, the useless world, was to sink into a deep abyss, then the man would become dizzy and unable to stand on the tiny platform of useful ground. The useful becomes useless without the useless. Understand? Now that uselessness and usefulness have been explained, my point in writing this piece is because I have been thinking about ways in which to become more "useless". My piece on accomplishment shows that in some ways I am useless, I do things that I enjoy, but it also shows that I am striving to accomplish things in the world-- to gain plaques and accreditation. Being completely useless is doing something merely because you enjoy it, no other reason. Not to gain footing in the world. Not to climb the social ladder. Not to lose weight. Not to get married and have a family. Being useless is silencing the mind. Doing nothing, sometimes. Meditation. Being truly happy. When we are completely natural, in other words, only following the will of the natural earth and not the man-made lifestyle, then we are happy. There are no torrents pulling us this way and that, urging us to constantly be productive. When the block is carved, it becomes useful. When the sage uses it, he becomes the ruler. Thus, "A great tailor cuts little." -Twenty-eight, Tao Te Ching This may seem like a lecture. Like a diagnostic manual. It is not. I just wanted to help you understand what is meant by uselessness. It is hard to grasp, since it is nothingness. Yesterday, I was telling Jesse about my day. I told him I had a very productive day off: I mopped the kitchen floor, vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, brought my car to Midas, finished my Christmas shopping, and made a call to the Learning Corridor (the place at which I am hoping to do my Montessori training). As I said it, I instantly thought about being useless. I was not very useless yesterday. Uselessness is not what society wants, but it is what the Tao is. I find small ways in which to be completely in the moment; ways I can simplify my mind, embrace quietude. I go to yoga and surrender my thoughts, send them off with each exhalation. In savasana, also called corpse pose, the final resting pose in yoga, I try to cultivate energy by focusing only on my breath and the different parts of my body. I embrace, entirely, being on the ground, closing my eyes. Being worried and anxious about the world around me and its demands, I pretend at night that I am the only soul in existence, making a cocoon over my head with the blanket. I lay there in the fetal position or in child's pose and pretend like nothing else is there except the feeling of calm and the nest I have created. For a few moments, I feel the anxiety wash away, because for a moment, but only a moment, I have found nothingness. Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it? I do not believe it can be done. The universe is sacred. You cannot improve it. If you try to change it, you will ruin it. If you try to hold it, you will lose it. So sometimes things are ahead and sometimes they are behind; Sometimes breathing is hard, sometimes it comes easily; Sometimes there is strength and sometimes weakness; Sometimes one is up and sometimes down. Therefore the sage avoids extremes, excesses, and complacency. -Twenty-nine, Tao Te Ching Mood: awake Music: Trevor Hall

	2007.12.15  14.59 A Few Words on Mediocrity Inspired by the New Radical’s, You Only Get What You Give, which is currently playing on my itunes, and by my recent practices in yoga and knowledge expedition of Buddhism and Taoism, I am writing this blog today. I have written in the past month about how although I am practicing yoga on a regular basis, I cannot help noticing that I’ve felt more depressed and been a more angry person than I’ve been in a long time. These behaviors and my practices seem to contradict one another. Only recently have I been reading more in-depth about Buddhism and the background of Yoga as well as Taoism. I have read some in the past about Buddhism, but not nearly enough, and I own the Tao Te Ching, but it is comprised of sayings that, although self-explanatory and sagacious, never allowed me to comprehend the basis of what Tao really is. I learned that Lao Tzu only wrote the Tao Te Ching because the guard at the Himalayan border, who was also a disciple, wouldn’t let him pass until he wrote a book about all that he had learned. Lao Tzu was going to the Himalayas to die alone, because he believed that one should be alone when he passed, and only wrote the Tao Te Ching to appease the disciple and enter the Himalayas. He warns at the beginning of the Tao Te Ching that one can never understand the Tao by reading the Tao. “The Tao that can be told of is not the absolute Tao.” Since I am reading about the Tao, I have recognized that I still do not possess the true understanding that can only come with experience, but it is starting to unravel itself to me, and it is not unknown. The Tao seemingly is what I’ve known inherently all this time. Nevertheless, it has inspired me to take a look at my life and reexamine the ways in which I’ve been behaving and thinking. I have been upset lately with the conditions of my place of residence, which happens to be with my dad and step-mom. The things they have said and done to me since I was young, the disrespectful ways in which they still treat me like I’m fifteen. The list goes on. But what I’ve also recognized is how I’ve handled them treating me poorly. I’ve gone over the edge. I am filled with hatred, grudges, meanness, and anger. I want revenge. I want to ignore them. I don’t want to be nice. Not that I’ve necessarily put all these thoughts into practice; but I have thought them. Which is just as bad. The Eightfold Path (of Buddhism) explains that we must abstain from foul language, cheating, stealing, and lying. I have found myself swearing more since I stopped going to church. More than I would like to. I take care of children, so my swearing only occurs around adults and never in the presence of children, but it still disgusts me. I tell white lies sometimes. I feel anger towards people who have hurt me, because I tend to be somewhat of a pushover in the workplace as well as at home. On a seemingly less damaging scale (but probably more dangerous than any other facet of my behavior), I have been filling my mind and eyes with media at every turn. I used to pride myself in the knowledge that I rarely ever watched television. I certainly never turned it on to keep me company at night like I find myself doing all the time now, because I can’t sleep. I have been watching shows primarily from VH1 and MTV, as well as fashion-related shows on TLC. They seem so harmless, especially because they are so mainstream in society and fully accepted. I also do not realize how much of them I watch sometimes, because they are intermixed with shows from the History and Discovery channel. Realizing these shows cause unhappiness in me, due to constantly sizing myself up to the appearance of others, and feeling stress due to whom is fighting with whom on Real World, etc., I know that it is not mentally healthy for me, or anyone else. Last night I asked Jesse why someone like me, someone who seems to have a naturally inherent ability to understand things not of this world with ease, someone who has always considered herself to be more self-actualized than many of those around her, why would someone like me purposely make myself mediocre by watching television in my free time, thus becoming obsessed with the material world? He replied that he’s thought the same thing about himself. So, I told him I am making a pact with myself to watch less television. Ultimately, I would like to reduce it to nothing, but I still like the shows Scrubs and Futurama, so I have allowed myself those two shows, as well as the Discovery and History channel if I absolutely cannot sleep. But no more VH1, no more MTV. If you look, my Myspace profile says I refuse to be mediocre. Lately, I think that I have not been doing my part to live up to my own expectations. The media seems like such a small way to try to clear my mind, thus making myself more susceptible to becoming “awakened”, but it is probably the most damaging thing I can think of that threatens our society because of its seemingly innocuous nature. It’s just entertainment, right? Unfortunately, the media, in all forms, has brainwashing capabilities. Everything we think and say stems from what society has taught us. Just the fact that we look for mates to marry and procreate with is a result of our human history. You may argue that it’s biology, and you’d be right, but only partially. The urge to procreate and be close to others is indeed biological, but the institution of marriage obviously isn’t. I’m not against marriage, I am just saying that most of society does not challenge these normalties of life; they merely accept them as the way it is. I march to the beat of a different drum. It may make this reality that society has created more difficult for me, but I take pride in striving to pass mediocrity. Mood: pensive Music: You Only Get What You Give - by the New Radicals

	2007.12.02  13.02 Christmas and Coffins The holidays are generally never a time I really look forward to, but this year is different. This year my sister comes home from San Diego, which she rarely gets a chance to, with her new boyfriend, whom most of us have not yet met. On the Christmas' that she returns home, they are usually a little more reminiscent of the holiday season that I once loved as a child. When I was a child, my sisters and I used to take turns putting the ornaments on the advent calendar. We would put on music as we decorated the Christmas tree, and on Christmas Eve, we would, as a family, open all of our gifts to each other, and then my dad would take my sisters and I out for a drive to see all the decorations and lights people had put up around their houses. This was my favorite Christmas tradition. It was magical. I stopped believing in Santa Claus around the same time that my parents got divorced. Christmas was henceforth bifurcated. In the last 13 years since my parents' divorce, I have spent my Christmas holidays traveling back and forth from place to place. If I can't afford or find a gift for someone, Ellen gives me one to give to them, which has completely wiped out the sacredness of Christmas giving for me. I have a hard time watching the world around me participate in the Holiday frenzy that antecedes Thanksgiving. Customers acting like a gaggle of turkeys, crazed and pecking around ferociously for bargains and items before the last one is gone. Hundreds and thousands of dollars spent on cards and gifts for friends and family, not to mention decorations and trees, and the novelty gifts and back-ups people buy for their co-workers or anyone who decides to give them a gift. It is not polite to receive a gift and not give one back. I don't know when this mindset began, but it hardly seems like any Christmas I'd like to participate in. Unfortunately, I don't have a choice, and am constantly nagged by my step-mother about what I've gotten for whom, etc. It is not acceptable in my family to be poor and decide not to give gifts. It is equally unacceptable to assure your family that you don't want anything, as in literally nothing. This is a concept that is as foreign as a quiet Italian meal. My Nana recently took a trip to the hospital. My dad had gone to visit her when he found her completely out of it. She was rushed to the emergency room that night. After several tests, the doctors came up empty handed, but my dad and I both know that something occurred for her to be the way she is. You don't go from being alert and capable to suddenly lethargic and incontinent. She has slowly been developing what I believe is dementia for the past year now, but this recent event was unexpected. When I was little, my Nana and Pop-Pop were always with us for the holidays to celebrate. They would drive from College Point, NY and stay with us for a few days. After my Pop-Pop died, my Nana moved to Connecticut and has been celebrating Christmas with us ever since. This is the first year that I've been scared that she might not make it to Christmas. The fact that I have already written her card and wrapped her present are besides the point, for it isn't about spending money that I could have saved, but I am genuinely worried and scared about what will happen when she passes. She may very well make it to Christmas and well past, but I know that her days are numbered. She is eighty-six years old and has been slowly displaying symptoms of dementia; she's lost weight, she seems unhappy. Right before I sat down to write this, I opened a folder on the desk labeled Meadow Brook of Granby. It contained an application for a nursing home for my grandmother in Granby. On it were such formalities as her date of birth, birthplace, language, marital status, church, hospital and pharmacy preference, and last of all it asked about funeral home preference and whether arrangements have been made. Both were filled in. Yes arrangements have been made and a funeral account already exists. I cannot help feeling incredibly sad thinking about this. Do the people in admissions at Meadow Brook ever stop to think about the depth of what they are handling? For them it's paperwork. For each family member sending a loved one to the nursing home it is more. I wonder if my dad thought about his mother and her life as he filled in those boxes and made those arrangements. How strange that we dedicate part of our life to preparing our death. Here is a nice bed for you to rest in while your body slowly dies. Give us your money or your children's money so we can make you comfortable while you wait. Then, we visit funeral homes and look at coffins, buy plots in cemeteries. Some people even write their own soundtrack of the music they want played at their own funerals. What is this obsession? This completely detached handling of our intimate death. Businesses see death as being a very lucrative inevitability. Buy the satin lined coffin with the gold handles! Spend thousands, literally, on containers to hold your empty, decaying shells! It reminds me in a way of the senselessness of the ceaseless spending done during the holidays. Have we forgotten what Christmas is about? Have we forgotten what life really means? As the holiday season closes in, I have found myself treasuring my Nana, thinking about memories and hoping that she'll be able to be with her family for at least one more Christmas. That is what Christmas means to me. Love. Giving. Sharing. That is what life means to me. Mood: contemplative

	2007.10.24  09.47 Storybook Life I love to read. I have probably over 200 books in my collection and I borrow books from friends and family on a regular basis. What is the driving force behind my motivation to open a book and become enveloped in a world of make-believe or a world of knowledge and fact? If I base my answer solely on fiction books, without the pursuit of knowledge as a factor, then I can say it is probably because I love the twists and idiosyncrisies of the characters I come to know, and the strange and unpredictable things that occur. Something I have been thinking about lately is what my life looks like as a book. I'm not going to write a book about my life or anything like that, I just wanted to see if I liked what I read~ if I had done good things with my time, was happy, loving, etc. Looking back, there are many things I would opt to change. Some of the resentful things I may have said or done to others in anger, the fact that a decent percentage of my teens was spent in depression, idly letting time slip by without doing anything to help myself. I even am upset that there are so many "love stories". Now, I have really only ever loved one other person aside from Jesse and he knows who he is, but, I have had several painful experiences with relationships. Sure, they helped to build who I am now, but sometimes I wonder if I would have been better without some of the pain that will never leave me. It would be untrue to say that I only ever loved one other person. I loved a few. But it was love in the sense of an agape or philia love, not eros. They are mostly all painful for me in some way or another, but the one I really loved still is painful even though I've moved on. So, since I've been thinking about my life as a story book, I've been focusing on the "right" ways to behave and dictate my life so that my story looks good when it is finished. I cannot take back the things I've done in the past, which makes me feel uncomfortable in the case of being judged someday, if that happens. But if it is all nothingness in the end, I still want to have a good story to look back on when I am on my deathbed. The reason why I love reading so much, however, is not because the stories are pleasant with perfect endings. That would be predictable and boring, like a Disney movie. The reason why I desire to pick up a book and lose myself in it is because of the unplausible, even horrific and distateful things that unfold. Of course, if the book was merely about the horrendous without the thread of dignity, compassion, or love woven through, I don't think it would be a good story at all. My life is a concoction of mess and beauty and it has brought me this far. I advocate living one's life in a manner that is peaceful and loving, but I guess I have to embrace the nasty things, the painful experiences and even, the things I regret for they are what have made me so interesting. I am a product of my story. I don't want to be a fairytale princess, so I have to stand proud with the fact that I've had my heart broken, didn't find love on the first try, and have done unmentionable things in my past. This is my story.

	2007.10.20  13.10 Accomplished What does that word even mean, anymore? According to dictionary.com it means: ac·com·plished [uh-kom-plisht] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective 1. completed; done; effected: an accomplished fact. 2. highly skilled; expert: an accomplished pianist. 3. having all the social graces, manners, and other attainments of polite society. In the world, I think the adjective is used more for the skilled and elite members of society; those who have plaques all over their wall, publications, businesses, a nice home, etc. All the material products that indicate that someone has done something "meaningful" with their life. The question, then, is, what is meaningful? What is meaningful to me may not be meaningful to you, but what is meaningful to society on the whole is probably that which I just illustrated. In America, at least, you have to have a degree (or 3), a good paying job, and at least a few plaques on your wall to set your status to: Accomplished. This idea is troublesome for me, as I have no idea whether or not I will become accomplished in the sense of the definition I presented above. I like to believe that the things I do in life are important and establish me as a worthwhile humanbeing, but "worthwhile" is another one of those words with a precarious nature. What some people consider worthwhile may, once again, not be worthwhile to others. And in America, worthwhile probably places itself somewhere along the lines of accomplished. I do many things presently that make me classify myself as worthwhile, but not necessarily accomplished. I take care of little children and have been doing so for several years now. I make sure they are fed, clothed, comfortable, healthy, safe, having fun, happy. I help them to grow and learn. I am a part of their development process; I have influenced their maturation. I also do yoga a few times a week, which has been transforming my own physical health into something of magnificence. Yoga also has helped me to reduce stress, focus on my center, and my own place in this world as a person who feels things and contributes to those around her. I have been putting in immeasureable effort into keeping my relationship with my boyfriend healthy, happy, and the best it can be. These things, I fear, would not be classifiable under "accomplished" as society sees it. Perhaps I am wrong, but I think my BA degree in Psychology and my current enrollment as a graduate student with a major in Early Childhood Education are seen as a little more "worthwhile" in becoming an "accomplished" person who will someday be able to buy a house, pay her bills, contribute to society (in a manner that is more along the lines of business/economy), and have a family to raise and rear. My resume builders such as being a graduate assistant and working on studies, etc.; my internship senior year at Uconn-- these are things that make me accomplished. I do not have a "real" job yet-- still pulling in money under the table for nannying and babysitting; getting paid little by Central for being a graduate assistant- but I am supposed to be applying for Montessori teaching positions soon-- This particular assumption is what is making me question accomplishment to begin with. Will I then, finally, become an accomplished member of society? If I hold a real job, paying real money, where I can get a real apartment, and pay real bills with the ability to someday sustain a family and buy Christmas presents every year, THEN and only then will I be accomplished. Everything I am doing in the meanwhile is seen as a means to an end, instead of merely being what it is. In the here and now, I am surely making progress towards something, but I am having experiences. Maintaining health- both physical and mental. I am loving, with all my heart, a boy whom I wish to see become a continuation of my life, but for right now, just enjoy that I get to love him each and every day. Shouldn't this be what makes someone accomplished? Someone who is doing what they want to be doing?

	2007.10.06  12.56 On Saying Goodbye I have always attested that I love autumn. I talk about the way I love the smell of rotting, I bring the girls to pick out really pretty, colorful leaves so we can make a collage, I take walks almost every evening through the bike path near my house that cuts through the woods. It's strange to think I almost gave it away. That is what love does- makes you believe that what you want is what they want. And in a sense, yes, I wanted to get away, but leaving autumn is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. Jesse moved to Bradenton, FL (Tampa Bay area) about a month ago, and I supported him without ever voicing my concerns, because I am aware of his fickle nature, his obstinate mind, and his general unhappiness with life. I just wanted him to be happy, and realized that if he was happier, maybe he'd appreciate me more, too. Well, luckily for me, he has realized on his own that he isn't happy there without me, he wishes he had never gone, and feels genuinely terrible for ever leaving. He's coming home on Tuesday. So, I don't have to say farewell to the autumn season just yet. It is strange how once you decide that you are ready to leave a place, that place becomes so much more meaningful to you. It dawned on me, more than just a passing thought, that I wasn't going to see many of my friends very often. It also occurred to me, more in-depth, that I wouldnt enjoy the renewing feeling of fall. I wouldn't be around to watch Conor say his first real sentence, and I wouldn't be able to go to Friendly's with Victoria and Jesse. Part of me is extremely relieved that Jesse has chosen to come home. I think, at some point, I will be ready to move away, start a new life; somewhere warmer. But for now, I just don't think I'm certain I could do without the nostalgic scent of decaying foliage that crunches underfoot, while I realize that I am entirely in-the-moment and thankful I am alive.

	2007.09.28  19.36 here It's weird. You're on the East Coast. So close. But I can't feel you at all. It's as if you don't exist. Someone so loved, once, now, so extinct.

	2007.06.27  08.17 Intelligence The liberty to write is a wonderful thing. Freedom of speech, yada ya. I've been thinking, as I've been known to do, and I've been thinking about my own assumptions on intelligence. The varied many forms. See, here's the thing: There are several types of intelligences. That's why there are artists who are pot heads and can visually draw the most incredible masterpieces, but put them in a classroom and it's "huh what?" Also, thats why there are the cheerleader types who get straight A's in school (academic, book smart -- ability to memorize facts, etc) but are flakes and incapable of holding real intelligent conversation. These are stereotypes, I realize. They were just examples. But you get what I'm trying to say. According to multiple intelligences, there are at least 7 or 8 (I believe) categorized intelligences. Now, I think there are a lot more than that, but some of the categories are: musical, spatial, visual, emotional, intrapersonal, interpersonal, logical, etc. Everyone is going to have their strengths and their weaknesses. My personal strength supposedly is musical (scoring as my highest). It is these personal differences which make us able to come together and create great things. However, I've been mulling over something for awhile now. How is it that someone who displays multiple of these intelligences (really showing an all-encompassing genius, really) can be so UN-intelligent in one of the areas that seems so... what's the word, "obvious"... "second nature"?? What I mean is, I can't be the only person who understands the psychology of mankind. Or, in other words, the domino effect of our actions. I know I'm not, because people write books on this, teach classes, etc. Most of it has been sort of second nature to me, but I guess some of it I've imbibed and adopted (But with relative ease). An example? Ok here's a quiz, let's see how you answer. Your significant other tells you every whim and thought that passes through his/her brain, without a filter. Even the thoughts about breaking up when he/she doesn't really mean it. Do you see this as a wise thing to do? Let me tell you what I think. I THINK, the answer is no, because everything we've said becomes a suggestion unintentionally. It's imprinted in the mind of the other, it's become a swaying factor whether it was intended to or not, merely because it was pressed to the other person's ear. What I mean is, now the receiver of such news is going to be going over that idea of breaking up.. or whatever else the significant other has said... it's always going to be there in the back of their mind. Any intelligent person, I think, would realize not to do such things because of the way people are impressionable. But this is just one example there are many others. Others such as realizing that manipulation doesn't work and only isolates you. The reason why I'm mulling over all this is because MY boyfriend likes to do these such things. And he's not your run-of-the-mill average intelligence or even slightly stupid guy. He's incredibly incredibly intelligent, probably one of the most intelligent people I know, and yet, completely lacks this form of intelligence. It doesn't seem to make sense to me. He carries on all day, paranoid of every little thing that could possibly come between us, when, long ago, I realized that worrying about stuff like that is wasteful, because you can never control what other people do, and you just have to trust as MUCH as one can REALLY trust another person. Which is to judge their character and make a call based on that, but knowing that you are never in control and whatever happens is GOING to happen, and if you try to prevent it you are only going to push people away. That is how I feel, and that is how I live MY life. He told me yesterday that when I am at home, I better not be going to the beach with my guy friends and wearing a two-piece because while he's working hard (at work), he doesn't want some guy mentally undressing me. I understand his jealousy, I do, but you cannot TELL someone that they cannot do something like that. Other things I modify because of his wishes, but this is really... I don't know, he can't control who thinks Im good-looking and I cant completely always wash away my sexuality. It's part of all of us. So-- it's inevitable that people are going to think Im hot, and when I present this to him? He says, "Well I can be just fine not worrying about my girl, and being alone, I don't need this." (Manipulation). He says things like, "Can't you respect this? Don't you love me?" (More manipulations). So Im cornered. I respect his wishes as much as I can, but if this means only wearing a one-piece bathings suit at all times around any guys, I think he's trying to play God. So, naturally, I feel distanced. And just try to ignore that he said that, and chalk it up to his anxiety problems. Do you see what Im saying here though? Some of these things.. it's like, I don't understand how he DOESNT SEE the manipulation and unintelligence in the way he's handling things. He's a very smart guy, I feel like his behaviors don't always reflect it. Or maybe Im too logical.. or have taken TOO many psychology classes (I do have my degree in it, afterall). But really, I think my attempts to handle the relationship the best way I know how, constantly considering others feelings, willing to negotiate, etc. Many things. It's being taken for granted, in a sense, because I don't receive it back. Arghh. I wasn't posing a moral dilemma of my own here... I was just using him as an example, for something I've been thinking about lately. It just seems so odd that there are people incapable of thinking the way I do (however, stuck-up that sounds).

	2007.05.29  08.28 whirlwind weekend Emotional like crazy. Yes. That's me. That's my boyfriend. Apparently this is my life. My parents have been gone since last Wednesday, and it was been the most wonderful week at home. I have been getting a lot of time to myself to spend outside in the sun, bike riding, reading, cleaning, whatever. It has been nice. Jesse came and stayed with me a few nights, and my guy friends came over once. I went bowling with Todd, Jay, and Jill as well. It was lovely. BUT-- There's been some emotional charge in the air. Jesse has been very unhappy lately. Not with me-- he has chemical imbalances. Literally. So, he gets unhappy for no reason at all, or perhaps just the product of his genetics and the terrible circumstances of his youth and teen years. This unhappiness however rubs off directly onto me. Everything he feels, I feel. It makes me wonder whether or not we will work, or SHOULD put ourselves through pain to work. On Saturday I went to go see Jesse. We had a lovely day-- took a long nap, snuggled, watched a movie... Sunday, I went to my mom's to help her, we watched another movie, hung out with his brother... and then Monday we were going to go to the beach, but the weather report misguided us. We did not go because we were told it was going to rain, but it was, of course, a beautiful, warm sunny day. Grrr. I was emotional, because I was bored and wanted to do SOMETHING. He wanted to sit all day. Literally. We went to Coventry Lake-- where I sat in the water and tried to enjoy it, but couldnt. Essentially, it got to the point where I was ready to leave and go home out of boredom, but decided to stay. We had a long conversation in the car which resulted in me crying a lot, because I thought we were going to break up, but then we decided not to. We both love the crap out of each other SO fiercely. We never want to leave the other-- sometimes we just wonder if it's always the right thing to stay together. But-- after our discrepancy, he held me close, apologized for making me cry, and held my hand. We sat on the back porch with his mom and talked-- he took me through the beginning of what he wants to do with me everyday: a really extreme work-out regimen. I did about 8 minutes of it yesterday and I am sore today. This is supposed to be an 1.5 hr. workout. Then he taught me the bone structure of the face and showed me how to draw the face (I can draw, but not like he can). It ended up being a good night afterall. I love him so much I dont think I could ever leave him. This may result in me not being happy sometimes. But I always realize that I would much rather be with him than not. He is so loving and caring. Affectionate. He is these things. No one has ever loved me like he has. I always think-- him and I get frustrated with one another because I am social and he is not (This is our major problem, and basically the only real one). I like to do things that are fun, he does not. Because of this, we both sometimes think it may be better if we weren't together. But-- I always think... all of this reality we know is a complete construct.. something made up and extremely fragile. It could change in a split second. Natural disaster, disease, accidents, war, etc... could be anything but our lives could be changed significantly or swept from under us at any moment.. and this is the only reality I really trust and believe in, honestly. It's not positive and optimistic, BUT-- this is why love comes first and foremost in my life. He makes me feel so full of love and life sometimes. And when I love him it is not like anything I can explain. It is this unworldly thing. A true binding of souls. When I think about it-- I need him more than I need anything else in this life, including an apartment, a job, or a marriage. Love is what it is all about in the end. It is all we will ever have. This is why I cannot and will not leave when I love him so deeply. At the end of the day, it is all about love. And that is a positive thing that keeps me going. It keeps us from fighting, and it keeps things real.

	2007.05.25  08.25 feeling like a bad word. How am I supposed to have a good day when he says things like that? Gets mad at me the second we say goodbye and then rushes to his car. He calls to apologize and ends it with a sarcastic, "But hey, you do whatever you want. You know?" Which basically negates the whole apology. He does this, he. I'm going to take care of the girls-- we're going to go swimming in an in-ground pool with a diving board. Hey, we might even eat popsicles or icecream, because I am an awesome babysitter. And I also like popsicles and swimming.. so hey. It's gonna be a good, hot day. Right? I've had basically two whole days to myself... to do whatever. I went for a bike ride for the first time, in literally, years, yesterday. It was great. My ass hurts-- has two bruises from the seat. But it was great. I've been compiling all my college notebooks into one binder-- so if I want to refer back to my notes for something, it's easily accessible. I've been relaxing and reading. And I've also been somewhat bored of all of it. Now that I have a day where I HAVE TO WORK, I don't want to. I want to sit here and be pissy. And go for a bike ride. And sleep some more. It's funny... it's always like that. Always. Greener grass syndrome. We almost broke up like 5 times in the last two days... but we would never actually break up with each other. That's the problem. Nothing in me REALLY wants to, but every part of me is screaming to at the same time. If that makes sense. I genuinely love and want to BE with the boy. I am just starting to wonder WHY. It makes me mad that I refused to let it end two weeks in, when he messed up. Or every month after that when we fought about the thing that really upsets him... my social life and the lack of his. I think about how great it would be if I had a boyfriend who liked to socialize with my friends and go out for beers once in awhile.. basically like Adam or Gus would.. how I miss that. Now, I feel penalized for being me.. Im not appreciated.. I am often made to feel bad.. I am torn between friends and him.. But I love him. Besides, there is no more Adam, no more Gus. Adam decided he didn't want to be with me, and I guess I can understand why now. He was there, I was here, he REALLY needed to do his school/career stuff and I was getting in the way. I get it. Priorities right? And Gus, well Gus just decided to rob a store and go to jail. So. Didn't even have a SAY in that matter. Not that I did in the other one either. Jesse thinks the reason why I picked him is because I settled because Adam dumped me and Gus went to jail. That's not true at all, however. I thought it was fate, destiny, my life story finally making sense... He came back to me and fell in love and oh, how I love him fiercely. Just.. is it worth it? I want an apartment (call me selfish); I want to see friends sometimes (call me selfish); I want to get married and make babies.. beautiful ones (call me selfish). These are the things I aspire to do. I want to get engaged (call me selfish). But lord knows, that if he cant even get it together enough to save some money for an apartment that he promised me months ago.. well crap! I dont know. I may be 35 with 3 kids already before he proposes.. Im pointing out all his flaws of course. Because I am really bothered and torn and tortured right now. He's quite lovely sometimes. In ways no one understands. I mean I DO love him, there's a reason for that. Of course, I loved him 7 years ago when I lay in his bed in my underwear after coming off of E while he was "doing things", stopped, and decided it was over. I cried a single tear, sniffled, and lay there awake all night... while he slept peacefully. I loved him all that time. Everytime he has hurt me, I've loved him.

	2007.05.23  08.09 time for tomorrow This time last year I was moving out of my apartment in Willi. Wow how time flies. I remember Gus helping me pack everything into his and my car late one night, so he could drive with me down to Simsbury to bring my stuff home, because I procrastinated in moving things out quicker. He later admitted that he helped move me out that night, because he wanted me to sleep at his house. Earlier, I had collapsed in my empty, dusty room on his soft, big lap, tearful and panicked. Just trying to get everything packed in 90 degree heat-- knowing I was headed back home, a place I hate being. And now, it seems as though Willimantic was just a dreamful suggestion I had once upon a time. Dating Adam, hanging out with the girls, getting free drinks at Corleone's whenever I wanted... all just a creation in my mind. The only reality I see now is my boyfriend, going to school, taking care of three small girls. I hang out with Todd and the gang, and sometimes my girls. And I know that if I move again... there won't be the same nostalgia of leaving-- it will be exciting-- but in no time it will seem as if I never came back to Simsbury. Phases of life need to pass smoothly and quietly like a child creeping in the night to get a snack. The occasional bump reminds us that it might have really existed... but really, we all need to focus on today, and of course, tomorrow.

	2007.05.05  11.59 The Thing I Love About Little Children Is... A perfect day, where not everything has to be perfect, but the children are good. That was my day yesterday. I spent 14.5 hrs at the place I nanny yesterday, because they asked if I could babysit directly following my usual day of nannying, because it was their "mormor's" (grandmothers, but I think that actually means MOM in Swedish) surprise birthday party. When I was little, I loved being the "little, cute" one all the time. I was the one that everyone said was adorable and the one that everyone adulated. I was very narcissistic (not that I am not now...) and I was self-absorbed, but not necessarily in a bad way, just in the way that children are. I wanted to be an actress. A following thought of mine that I actually had when I was younger was, "There is no other way to live in this world but to be famous." I was serious. I didn't think life was all that exciting unless I was going to be on stage performing for everyone or kissing really cute boys in teen movies. Somewhere along the way, after reconnecting with God and feelings of altruism and the "greater good", I started to suddenly feel otherwise. I have always lamented the loss of my innocence, since my parents were divorced when I was 11, and my ideal of love shattered in split seconds. This event coupled with a few minor events a few years prior, such as my pinwheel being taken away by a construction truck that was doing work on our backyard, or our swingset being expropriated along with our sandbox, never to be replaced (I was the ripe age of 7 or 8), I really missed my childhood at an early age. I would make collages in my teens; a sort of shrine to the youth I felt I no longer had- but they always revolved around me, or a picture of me when I was young. Then I discovered that by being around children, I was reliving a part of me that had gone astray so many years back. That was when I started to really consider a career working with children. That, and I was surprisingly good at it, because little did I know, I had an inner child in me all along. I remember, a little less than two years ago, when I was seeing the first boy I ever really loved, and starting my new job at the daycare, the feelings of fullness and love coursed through me every second I spent with those tiny children. It was a strange feeling, to be "in love" with someone else's child, and be in love with a man you adored; the capacity to love was extended that day to a place I didn't think it could go. I loved and learned to love more than I thought I possibly ever could, and it was so easy. It just happened. Now, I am with the man I assume I am going to marry, and I am nannying for 3 girls, who I've been taking care of for about 8 months. Things were not always rainbows and butterflies, nor are they still. But I feel that I've really come to a place with them, where I feel comfortable being around them, able to give them affection, know that they genuinely care for me in return... it's great. It almost feels like I have 3 little sisters, when I am there. We will squabble, and sometimes I'll yell, but we are so close now, that they are over it in two seconds, and the bad feeling I had about yelling at them does not stay too long because they reassure me (in their kidish ways-- with hugs, smiles, whatever) that I am special to them. Yesterday, the reason why I started writing this piece, was one of those really good days. Beatrice, usually a fireball, defiant and wild (sometimes for the worse), surprised me. She was so affectionate all day long, she was usuing beautiful manners and being considerate of her sisters. We took a trip to the park, which the two youngest loved, we counted dandilions and tried not to step on bees. Then, Madeleine came home with a huge splinter in her knee and had to be taken to the doctor, but before all this, all of us planted some flowers and watered them. Josephine took a KILLER nap, almost 4 hours, which was greatly appreciated by yours truly, and she did not soil her diaper once that day. It was a day of all days, I'm telling you. Right before mom and dad came home, while Madeleine was at acting class, Beatrice was snuggled on my lap, and Josie was curled up next to me on the chair, and we watched TV. Then, we had to get Madeleine from acting, while the parents went out, and I made them dinner, and they had a really great time. At one point in the day, Madeleine asked me if I was still going to be their babysitter when I was 29 (I told her I'd be 29 when she turned 10), and I said "I don't know", not wanting to hurt her, and she said, "I hope you are!" Josie is just starting to learn how to speak: "go" "gook" (look) "bye" "hi" "mama" "da" "ball" and my personal favorite, "Mahhh Mahhh", which, of course, is intended to be AMANDA. It actually does sound different than the sounds she uses for "mama". Josie was the easy child. She was really tiny, but didn't fuss too much, and obviously, since she couldnt talk and spent half the day sleeping, she was never involved in the arguments. But now she is becoming a little older (will be 2 this summer) and she knows my name, face, and seems to have a real genuine attachment to me. She comes over to me about 1000 times a day, wanting me to pick her up. She also, as she did yesterday, will call out my name over and over until I answer. In the car: Josie: "Mahh Mahh.... Mahh Mahh.... Mahh! Mahh!" Me: "What??" (this is all intertwined with me trying to talk with the girls who actually talk) Josie: "Gook!" and I see a little pointer finger point to SOMETHING, of which I dont know what, through my rear view mirror. Ten seconds later, it starts all over. This happens for the entire 1/2 hour ride. Heh. ************************************************************* And at bedtime, the middle one, Beatrice, went and brushed her teeth without me asking, and while I was changing Josie, she brought in her toothbrush for her to brush. They are really growing up. Josie went down early, and then I read the girls a bedtime story (two, actually): There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly, which I had to actually sing, and, The Sneetches, which is Madeleine's new favorite. They both curled up on both sides of me and then I tucked them in. There's nothing quite like a good book, a hug from 3 little girls, and a quiet night. The end to a perfect day. Mood: happy

	2007.04.09  08.06 10 minutes I have approximately ten minutes to write before I have to go to work. Is it just me, or does society have massive ADD? I hate having a job for more than a year... definitely no more than two. I am so close to being done with this job (nannying) even though I have a close companionship with the girls. It's like... I start to feel depressed if I stay in one place for too long. My body yearns to do something new... be somewhere different. Is this going to be a problem my whole life? I want to keep my grad assistantship job... but I guess that's a little different, I get to spend a lot of time by myself at work, and I like being by myself. I love taking care of kids, too, but on Friday there was a guinea pig (who should STILL be there today) and there was dog crap that I stepped in and got on my hands, simultaneously, there was throwup on the floor because Beatrice smelled the poo. Then there was fighting and teething and... LONG day. This weekend was Jesse and I's 7 month anniversary, officially marking this relationship as my longest ever. Woo hoo! I was a little disappointed because he couldnt save money to even get me anything, and I had put a lot of effort into making it really nice for him. :( We did have sushi and icecream, however. Also-- I babysat for Nathan on Saturday. I was so excited that they called me, because I hadnt seen him in probably 5 months or so. It was a treat. The kids were so well-behaved, too. Nathan remembered me and it was nice to spend time with him. He is so adorable. He was talking SO much, which is a huge change from the last time I saw him, so it was really great to see him developing and have conversations with him. I hope they call me again. :) Sometimes I hate birth control. It controls the possibility of birth occuring, but it also seems to dictate my moodswings.. I feel depressed on days for no reason whatsoever, and on other days my libido is raging and I am wide awake and happy. Like I used to be. But it seems more often than not that I am down, tired, and libido-less. This seems to be why today I am fantasizing about having a new job... and not having to go in at all. I have to be there a half hour early today because she called and asked if I could. Which is fine, because its more money for me, but gahhh. I did absolutely nothing yesterday except lay in bed with Jesse, go out to dinner, and drink wine/work on our scrapbook I bought for us. It was one of the nicest, most relaxing days ever. I havent had a day like that in eons, because my weekends are usually just as busy as my weekdays, which are incredibly busy. I feel really selfish sometimes, but I just want a week to myself, where I don't have to go to work (Either job) I dont have to go to class, and I don't have to drive to Southbridge to take care of my mom. Heck, I'd love it if my parents went away that week, as well, and then I could be truly satisfied. Relaxed and happy. But life doesn't work that way!!!! Looks as if Im not getting out of the house any time soon. I am starting to seriously doubt Jesse's ability to save money/use it wisely. It hurts me, because I am trying so hard to save and do this and that.. and he's basically blowing a lot of it and the rest is going to bills... I could probably GET the apartment, but I doubt that I'd be able to sustain it on my income. Ive been saving, but it is going to go fast, especially since I am only taking one class next semester, which means that I will be part-time and will not get my discount... :( I think that is LAME-O. Okay, well I rambled enough... and actually for 12 minutes... but that's okay. Time to get ready for my day. It shouldn't be so bad, I get home at 3. Have some alone time and then have to be off to class until 9.. but next week there should be NO class.. so that will be refreshing. I'm always looking for that thing that will help me hang on...it seems... Mood: tired

	2007.04.06  08.18 Officially A THOUSAND YEARS It's officially been a HELLUVA long time since I've written in here. I've been doing so much writing for school and so much driving back and forth to various places: Coventry, New Britain, Simsbury, Southbridge, MA... that I don't really sit down to write very often anymore. Also-- I dont really think anyone reads this since I am not online very often and I took the link out of my myspace page because I didnt want random people know about my life. I've been feeling a variety of things in the past couple weeks. First-- frustration, because my life is hectic as heck!! I have been driving up to MA a few times a week to take care of my mom, because she broke her wrist and cant do anything. Then-- I've been attending (or sometimes, not) my 3 graduate level courses I have during the week. I've been driving to Jesse's every other day basically, because that is where I am most of the time, and I've been doing a ton of schoolwork. I had to do two classroom observations the week before last, and that was a hectic week for me. Now it's over, but I still have some big projects coming up, and Im just trying to stay afloat because I want a really good GPA this semester like I got last semester. Looks as though I'll be part time next semester. I am only taking one course. That's like 1200 dollars, not including all the fees... I want to be fulltime as far as grad assisting goes because I love the job and am involved in some really neat projects, but I dont know if it's worth it, and I dont know if Ill still be living at home. Jesse decides to change his plans on what we are doing on a daily basis because he cant save money... so I have been secretly storing cash away for an apartment, but the very least it will do is GET US the apartment.. then I dont know if we can afford to keep it. Nannying-- thats a whole other boat. I was excited because April vacation is in a couple weeks and I thought they were going to FL-- meaning I have the week off from nannying. But as it turns out, they are going the week after April vacation, which means, I am house/dog sitting because I got conned into it while they are in FL and I dont get any time off whatsoever. True, I dont have to nanny, but I still have to stay there.. ::Sigh:: on top of that and them trying to convince me to get an apartment nearby, when Ill do whatever I damn well please, thank you, and a teacher of mine belittling everyone in the class, it's been an interesting past few weeks. I finally got my papers activated to go see Gus, so I've been thinking about it A LOT. I was avoiding it for a long time, because even though I want to see him, part of me does not. Not only because the circumstances are scary as hell and very impersonal, but because seeing him is going to let loose a whole part of me I've been hiding away pretty well for the most part. Am I going to start crying when I see him? Is that acceptable in a jail? Is the conversation going to be weird or forced? Is it going to bring a flood of emotions back that I had stored away and thought I'd gotten over? And although I find this unlikely, will it affect my relationship with Jesse? These are all things that concern me. Every time I get a letter from him, I rush to open it. I savor every word, and especially the ones where he tells me how he thinks about memories of ours or that I gave him smiles he doesnt have anymore because I sent him a card on his birthday.. I wonder, does he still have feelings for me?? Even though they are in vain? I havent told him about Jesse because I figured in his environment, it wasn't the best thing to spring upon him and also, it didnt really make a difference whether or not I told him... however, although easy to evade conversation regarding a significant other in written form, it is not so easy to do in person. I don't know what to do. Part of me is scared that if I tell him about Jesse, then the sanctity of what we had (which is all WE have LEFT) will be gone. That the personalNESS of our letters will change form. Part of me wants to pretend that we still have a bond-- and we DO, but I want to keep it intact, I guess. But what if for SOME reason, he got out of jail sometime soon (unlikely) and wanted to start seeing me.. I mean, I have to tell him, but when? I'm very scared of all these thoughts. So most of the time, I just tuck them away. And occasionally, like when I get a letter from him or when I drive by his house.. or even when I see/think of something that we shared, the emotions just SPRING outward.. leaping up my throat, and I find myself close to tears. Even after all these months-- I can see this has had a permanent effect on me. He means more to me than possibly almost any of my other exes, and it's not necessarily because of the seriousness of the relationship, because it wasnt.. but he was my best friend. He IS one of the best guys I KNOW. Despite of where he is. This is truth. He will always have meaning to me, and probably in a way that Jesse will never want to hear about... so I dont talk about it. Others have that meaning to me too-- like Adam, of course. I think about Adam often, still, glad that we are able to be friends, but sometimes I miss the way things were and sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if we were still together. He is also one of those great people. Unfortunately he thought we werent in the same place.. and we physically werent. So.. but all of these events DID lead me to Jesse, whom I am so happy to have. So it's a double edged sword. Because it is truly a bittersweet story. My life makes a better novel than most novels, I think. I've wanted, so many times, to start writing a book based loosely on the events of my life, but I think they are only important to me and maybe not so much to others. But really... think about it.. These are the major mile markers: paranoid schizo mom who's also bipolar and tried to burn her bedroom down with us in it... divorce at the ripe age of 11; debacle with drugs and debauchery in my teens; heartbreak after heartbreak in the most unusual ways; rape; salvation through God; struggle in faith; one of my nearest and dearest goes to jail; the story comes back to the heartbreak but then the weird divine-like intervention where Jesse is replaced in my life.. and the story isnt over.... I am constantly struggling trying to keep my past in the past and trying to reclaim my self worth. I search, ceaselessly, for a family of my own.. maybe only to be completed once I give birth.. They are some interesting events that could make for a interesting story perhaps... if I tied it together the right way with the right metaphors and symbolism, etc. I know enough about writing to make it happen.. but will I? Probably not, because once again. No one probably cares. Mood: crazy

	2007.01.15  09.08 A year's passed Today a year ago Adam and I broke up. Not by my will, so as you can imagine, it was a terrible day for me. I realize now, it was for him, too. We still had love... just not a lot of free time, 3000 miles of separation, and a bit of a clingy issue on my behalf. Looking back on myself a year ago, I see that I was someone different than who I am now. I was less motivated/ambitious, had a different outlook on the bad things that happened to me, and was physically self-destructive. Im more independent now, too. About a week ago, I sorta relapsed in a sense. I let my frustration get the better of me and bruised myself. It was a light bruise however, and Jesse doesn't know. I haven't done that since Gus and I split. Not even after I found out he was going to jail. But Im okay, it's not something I plan on making a habit out of again. Im struggling with issues of incompetence. With nannying. I've found myself several times not being able to wait for the relief that comes as soon as I leave their house in the evenings. I've found myself yelling at the children more often than I usually do with children. Even though it's never caused a problem with them, because we are getting pretty close now, I still feel bad that I do it... and Jesse thinks Im fizzling out perhaps, and need a break. But I can't take a break and the money is really good. I made 300 dollars in cash last week just for working 3 days. I'll probably make about the same this week. Then it's back to school and my other job next week. It will be nice to not be nannying AS much, (even though it will still be 3 days a week), and to have another job that takes the frustration out because Im able to be alone/work with a friend. Im just praying that Jesse actually comes through and gets a truck soon. It's tiring to drive back and forth so many times a week. It's irking that he promises but then his money disappears.. and I really really want to move into an apartment by the time summer comes. To be able to go on a vacation to Cali and visit my sister and her boyfriend, etc. All these things. My money situation is looking fairly bright, so he just needs to uphold his end of the bargain. He's working construction now, more than 2 days a week, and he also got a raise at his other job. So... its something. :) Okay.. well Im glad that today is a day I can know that I am loved, instead of feeling betrayed by my other half. I don't resent Adam for anything about that-- Im just glad that today I can smile and know that Im safe. Mood: bitchy

	2006.12.18  08.45 Mondayrific He always apologizes. This is what makes him a good boyfriend :) Anyways.. Im so tired. I was at Jesse's last night, so even though I don't have to nanny until 9:30 this morning, I still woke up at 6 because I drove home when he left for work this morning. Blah. It's nice to be awake and have time to sit at the computer and eat breakfast, etc. but I am le tired!! I've been so moody lately. Im sure as always, it's a blend of things, but honestly I think it's just the birth control. That stuff... it is beneficial in some ways, but in others.. it can drive you crazy. Jesse apparently has something hidden in his closet for me. :) I got yelled at for opening his closet door the other day. Last night we drove to my mom's for dinner and my mommy gave Jesse a big box of chocolates.. his face lit up it was so adorable. He was a happy boy. :) It's nice that I don't have to rush the kids to their grandmother's and then drive to school for class today, but it does mean that I have a long day with the kids. Sometimes it's hard to find things to keep them entertained. And I get really bored being there all day. Not to mention, hungry. Because they don't really have normal food in their house. The money is SO good though, I just can't pass up the extra hours. Plus next Monday I don't have to work cuz it's Christmas, so I get to sleep a LITTLE later :) I've started Season 3 of Scrubs!! We drove to Southbridge to get the third season from John on Friday because I couldn't bear to be without it. Im addicted!! Tonight my plans are to type and send my last assignment of the semester, finish wrapping presents, make Christmas cards, and watch Scrubs. Sounds like a good night, doesn't it? Alright, I'm outta here. Mood: cold

	2006.12.15  11.07 :-[ Im a bit frowny today. I don't know what it is... maybe just my birth control pills acting up or maybe nothing, or maybe something. I've been sorta blah for days. It does happen from time to time; I'm not perpetually cheery, but it sucks to be like this. I didn't feel like being at home last night and I had nothing that HAD to be done that night, so I Imed Todd to see if he was at the basement. He was and suggested he come pick me up. We went out for a couple drinks at Hoops and Hops-- and it was nice to get out. I needed it. I barely do it anymore. But my night ended not too happily because Jesse kept calling... and asking why I missed one of the phone calls. (I was in the bathroom). Usually I enjoy the prelude to Christmas every year. Not really Christmas itself but everything before it. Like listening to my favorite Christmas cd in the car. And I enjoy the first snowfall. I like wrapping the presents and making the Christmas cards (I make my own every year). All that stuff. Doing the advent calendar. But this year, despite all those things, I've been sorta down in the dumps. I came to a conclusion about it last night though. It dawned on me that this time last year was right before Adam and I broke up. Maybe subconsciously I'm associating Christmas time as a sad time. ?? I have no idea. Really. Im very excited to give my gifts to Jesse this year- that hasn't changed. And I know he doesnt really have money so Im not really expecting anything in return, except that he get his car fixed soon. I think the mood thing is probably just hormonal and chemical. Because nothing is REALLY causing it. I dont have that many things in my life upsetting me or getting me down or even stressed (now that classes are over). Ya a few things bug me.. but what's the mood for? Sometimes our body just does weird stuff. And when it's down like this.. I just go with the flow, because it inevitably goes back up. I wish Jesse trusted me, though. I was out with the only guy friend that he likes and okays. I was safe. It's hard to tell a pro-paranoid not to worry, however. I spend almost all my time with him, and I had to work today, so I stayed at home last night, and Todd wanted to go out. So we did. People do stuff like that from time to time. Blah. Im sure he's over it. He probably just needed to sleep and maybe was even a little grumpy that he had to work today for Larry. That's six days in a row.. I don't know. I just feel sometimes like I don't do anything right, when Im not really even doing anything wrong. Mood: frowny

	2006.10.30  07.59 school, etc la la la weekend! so this was a tough weekend. some tears, some anger, some confusion, but then some good lovin' too. :) i know i dont write in here so often anymore, but its mainly because a) im really busy b) no one reads it and everyone's on myspace instead and c) ive gotten past the whole "let share every detail of my relationship" on here and that's basically who i spend all my time with when im not at school. but i will recap some things. so im really anxious because i have a million things due in the next couple weeks. i can't wait til i get at least 2 of them out of the way, but i seriously have about 7 things. thats what i get for taking so many classes! i didnt get to see otherwise at sully's on friday and i was a bit upset about that. jesse and i had a few issues to plow through this weekend, but it always amazes me, because even when i think hope is gone, something turns around and i know that i love him. halloween party at karina's on saturday. didn't have the best ending, we ended up leaving because jesse was upset. but i was a clove. it was a fun outfit. low maintenence. and my hair still has red spray stuff on the scalp. it wont come off even though i've scrubbed it 3 times. death cab for cutie is this thursday and im estatic!! yaaaay my baby and i are going to boston. :) aside from that, i was sick last week, which sucked, i had the week of from nannying which was nice, and this friday i have off bc of death cab so that's nice. just not as much money coming in due to these things, but it's okay i needed the break immensely. i have so much due its not even funny. in fact, its quite scary. why did i want to go to school again?? remind me.

	2006.10.10  09.32 i have a nephew!! I have an itty bitty little nephew as of October 5th at 3:39am. My sister went into labor early, so they rushed to the hospital and they gave her a c-section (see, the 'planning' i discussed in my last entry isnt something you can count on). His name is Conor Patrick and he has some black hair and brown eyes. And he's very adorable, even for a wrinkly newborn ;) I finally feel like Im getting stuff done as far as school goes. But right now my head feels clouded and Im not sure why. I read the book, Monster for one of my classes and it really hit me hard. The book is about a 16 year old convict who's on trial for a felony murder and could spend 25 years to life with no parole or even the death sentence. It's from his point of view and how he feels he's innocent and his daily journals about his feelings in the jail and how he thought life outside jail was scary sometimes in Harlem, but that nothing compared to the fear he feels in this place. I thought about Gus a lot when I was reading it. How Gus was probably feeling some of these same feelings. It never occurred to me that if Gus was nice to other people and stayed out of their way that he still would posibly be picked on or hurt. I don't want that to happen to him. :( I want to visit him but it's going to be hard to sit there and not be able to reach across the table and put my hand on his. To show reassurance, to touch someone who's been extracted from my life in the blink of an eye. I'm still having a pretty rough time with the whole situation, I just don't let it out often. I don't tell people, because I think they may not want to listen, or beause Im currently dating Jesse, it feels like it's wrong for me to care so much about Gus. But I know there's nothing wrong with it. Nothing will ever change the fact that I love him and that he's a wonderful human being. And as long as he's in there I will think about him and be scared for him and feel pain for him. I wish there was a way to take him out of there. To give him normalcy again. To give him his old life back, where he could stand behind the bar and talk to his favorite customers. Where he could eat his Kashi cereal and make disgusting whey milkshakes that he actually liked. Where he could bitch about not going to the gym as often as he wants to, where he could mow the yard, taking an hour and a half and come in completely drenched in sweat. Where he could complain that he doesn't know anything about html and have me show him how to design his myspace page. These simple things. His life is like a movie in there, I bet. Completely unlike anything he's ever known. I wonder if he really thought about where he was going to end up and what it was going to be like before he did what he did. Almost every day I wonder if I'll get a letter back from him. It's been over a week, maybe over 2 weeks now, and I haven't gotten one back. Im starting to wonder if everything's okay. I wonder if he's gotten a sentence yet. I wonder if his sentence will make me cry. I want to visit him and I keep thinking about how selfish I am because on the weekends all I think about is Jesse and Im totally rapt and caught up in his beauty and affection and young love and Gus is rotting away in a jail cell an hour away from where Im sitting luxuriously. I know he put himself there, but I need to visit him. ::sigh:: Some days it's harder than others, that's all. Another thing I've been thinking about lately is how I want to get out of my house. And for the first time, not because my parents and I aren't getting along. But because traveling every weekend to Coventry to see Jesse is difficult and time consuming. I love doing it, dont get me wrong, otherwise I wouldn't, but I want to be in a situation where him and I are in the same place and we can see our friends and have our life and have time left over. Right now, every minute of my day is basically devoted to something else. This is one of the only days I have time to sit here and write like this. Okay, I guess it's time to go do other things, like shower. Get ready for school. Go to the bank. Blah blah. Hehe. Is it the weekend yet?????? Mood: okay

	2006.10.04  19.53 Where's Amanda?? It's been a bit of awhile, so Ill post some updates... To all my friends who I seemingly have been ignoring as of late-- I have been ignoring virtually everyone, due mostly to the fact that I am working 5 days a week now and ALSO taking 3 graduate level courses. It consumes my LIIIIIIFE. Also, my weekends go mostly to Jesse, however since I am in the Willimantic area most weekends, that means that if you are also, I am available for contact. Im available anyways, as long as Jesse is up for hanging. So, try me. So, on top of working 2 jobs and taking 3 classes, I've been doing some babysitting on the side. It's nice to make extra cash, but I am starting to get swamped with things I have to do for school. It's scary. Aside from all that I've been doing pretty well. I just finished reading Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk, who is an amazing writer. Definitely one of my favorites. Now Im reading A Million Little Pieces and its supposed to be a former crack addicts description and diary of his 6 weeks in rehab... HOWEVER, he admitted on Oprah that he was full of sh*t. So.. now Im less enthusiastic about reading it, but Im going to anyways. What else? Cara is having her baby next Wednesday. That is, if she doesnt pop before then; that's when her c-section is scheduled. It's so convenient and funny how the joy and miracle of birth-- the surprise and anticipation-- the rauchiness... the excitedness, the craziness and all that is now eliminated. You can simply schedule a time for birth when it's most convenient for you. Have to bring your other child to the dentist? Sure, we can schedule it for after that. Need a couple extra days at work because you're crunched? Thats okay, we'll make it for the 15th? Two-ish sound good? It just mystifies me. If my husband ever wants to SCHEDULE the birth of our child I will have to whack him one. There's no fun in that at all. I want to be in the middle of the mall with my legs spread open and a waterfall cascading between me. The other parents screaming in horror and covering their little ones' eyes. No one knowing what to do, or who to call. Ya. Chaos. Anyways-- so my parents are gone til Monday which is always a nice reprieve. I like just having the house to myself. It stinks, because my boyfriend doesn't have a car, so even though my parents are gone this weekend, I still have to travel to go see him. Instead of utilizing this great space and resource. :) Oh well. I want to try to visit Gus ASAP. I had a dream about him the other night that really upset me. I was supposed to go see him and I got in really easily but then I didnt have identification with me. And all I remember is sobbing incredibly hard because I wanted to see him so bad. For Halloween I think Im going to be a clove cigarette. :) And just for the record, because I know you all want to know so badly, my boyfriend has the prettiest brown eyes you ever did see. ::sigh:: Mood: busy Music: none

	2006.09.26  09.10 Titan Arum I never went to see the Amorphophallus titanum when I was living at Uconn and attending classes. I've been told that it only blooms once, taking quite a time to do so, and once it does, its fetid odor is similar to that of rotting flesh; hence, its nickname: the corpse flower. Why is there a flower designed to grow and bloom only once in its lifetime? And why does it stay in bloom for only 2 days? Perhaps even more importantly, why does it emanate a putrid stench? I've wondered of the evolutionary value it possesses by taking so long to grow, growing so large, and opening ever so briefly. How is it evolutionarily beneficial to smell like cadaveurs? If its stench is to guard itself from predators, why do they desist after they are in bloom? At first glance, it seems counter-intuitive-- the whole existence of this 6 foot flower. People remind me of corpse flowers, sometimes. Some people live their whole lives passively, never doing the things they want to do, never reaching out to others, only cultivating themselves for their moment of dramatic exposure and death. Some people you never realize have hatred or pain inside. They move through life without affecting anyone in any significant way, and then one day you read in the paper that the quiet man up the street was found dangling from a rope in his basement-- his body had been left unfound for weeks, so the foul smell of rotting flesh was unimaginable. It is easier for me to understand why a person may choose death over life moreso than why a flower would. Why they may move through life in rote, mechanical gestures, and then display the intensity of their emotions only in the action of their death. All the world's a stage, right? Sometimes, I wonder if those contemplating and planning their death are more obsessed with the execution of it rather than the extermination of self. The corpse flower is grandiose, no doubt about it. The fact that it takes years to grow and then manifests its grotesque existence in a matter of hours, tells us that it was born for tragedy. It wasn't until later that I discovered that the smell of the corpse flower attracts nocturnal insects such as beetles and flies, who lay eggs in the flower's rotting flesh. Is the existence of the corpse flower to proliferate the growth of other species? How interesting it may be to exist not for oneself but merely for the survival of another. These people who plan and exact their deaths-- are they doing it with a purpose in mind that isn't egocentric? I've always seen people like that as completely self-consumed. Never as a cog in a wheel- a piece of the pie, perhaps with the exception of freedom fighters. There is always more than meets the eye, however. Life has layers, just like the flower has different parts: the spadix, the petals, etc. Some are more easily seen than others. As I am lost in a crowd of people, I think of the bodies surrounding me, individual corpse flowers, growing, developing silently, each with their intented purpose. Some may help others to see what they cannot see for themselves, some may wake others up from a nightmarish dream, while others may bring some to realize the life they've always wanted. Maybe we shouldn't be so amazed by the bloom and quick death of those around us, but the silent path it takes to getting there, as it is usually filled with far more than what its death could ever depict.