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Blurty for heroïnme.
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| Saturday, January 3rd, 2004 |
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| i don't know when it started, most likely when he started giving me studs, that talk one day in the library, that night we got smashed..i don't know what he thinks. i wish i could know, know everything he thinks, about everything. last night, i don't know what it did to me. i guess it made me think, think that there's obviously more than my daydreams here. we got drunk at the park; Jon, me, Conner, Mia and Aubry. i didn't want Aubry to go. i wasn't quite sure about the status Jon and her shared/had, whatever, i just knew that she's a roadblock. and i don't know what went on between them last night, if they decided to break up, stay together, whatever. but i'm not even sure if i like him. do i? i enjoy the company, the pointless talking about nothing significant. we've never really talked. and i guess maybe i want to, but i don't know. am i afraid? maybe. i'm not sure what to think of it, or him, or her, any of it all. we went to Georgetown today; Kulveen, Kawan, Jon, Julian, Alix and me. Julian is a shy boy. very quiet. but my he's beautiful. shy boy, ska boy. Jon kept kicking the underside of my boots when i walked. it felt weird, then i ran away. he kicked my ass once too, and ran off with his arms outstretched, coat flapping. and he's funny, fun. i bit my tongue for a while, thinking, contemplating telling anyone. i wasn't sure if i wanted to tell Kulveen cos i didn't know what she'd think of it. i finally broke on the metro ride home. i started off by telling her about what happened last night between them. then i told her that i wasn't sure if i liked him or not. she said she thought he might like me. i wonder how she thought that though. the one night when him, Conner and me ended up at his house and getting totally smashed, that was nice. very very nice. we went out back to smoke, and then Jon got cold, so went in, and i followed him back. we just sat on the couch next to each other. i was poking his bracelet, he was touching my nails, observing how sharp they were. then i laughed and leaned against his shoulder and stayed there. i don't know if i passed out for a few minutes, but just that, that little contact, was so nice, comforting, warm. i can't remember if we ever hugged. i doubt it. he drank some of my black cherry soda today, i sort of watched, then looked out the window, and back when he returned it to me. i looked at it, then took a quick drink, thinking somehow that it'd be like kissing him, cos his lips had been there only a few moments before. heh, a soda kiss. if something ever happened between us, well, i'm not so sure if i'd want it to. i always seem to be afraid of something. dissapointment, clingyness, hurt. i know how i am, and i wouldn't want to hurt him. i never mean to hurt anyone. i know i always do. and i don't want to have to depend on people/him so much. i'm learning, slowly, surely, painfully, i'm learning. i don't know. i wish things weren't always so complicated for me. if only my brain functioned differently, maybe. i think it's inevitable though, what happens with me and a guy. i know i'm afraid of commitment, afraid of breaking the limits of one, but in the depths of my fucked up little head, i feel, really feel, that it's what i need the most. stability. someone to listen. someone to care, comfort. affection. affection without the generic intentions of getting play in return for being sweet and caring. i guess i could say i'm sure i want that. i'm glad. i got cd's at smash today. Devotchkas and Blanks 77. | ||||||||
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| Tuesday, December 9th, 2003 |
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| oh oh my. i think Casie is finally getting that she's being stupid about letting herself drift apart from me. i'm excited. maybe she'll call me or im me someday soon, but i'm sure it will take her a while to get over the embarrassment or shame for letting such a thing happen in the first place. besides that, Mr. Kuney had to go and be an asshole again. he cracked a most cynical joke towards me today, of course, only i got it becos you see, it's just between us too. me being a nazi and all, of course of course. some girl asked if when we finished our test today, if we could draw on the back. he says, 'sure, as long as it's not an offensive gesture, remark or symbol.' in reference to some fuckhead, namely Marcus, drawing a fuckin swastika on one of my papers. then in 7th i get called down to guidence so my counselor can talk to me about it. she's nice though, so it wasn't really that bad. i'm just pissed more at him becos he said he wasn't going to say anything about it to anyone unless it happened again. i'm most deffinately switching teacher's next semester cos i am NOT having him again. fuckin asshole. other than that the day was fine. Kulveen and Mooshie are both sick. Patty and me stalked Vladimir today in the library. ahh..sooo incredibly sexy. i want to hear his accent so bad. i melt when it comes to accents. hm..so Eric picked me up since i stayed after to work on my eng. research notes. we had to take back some movies to blockbuster, so we both got a game. blegh, i need a shower. i'm cold and dirty. mm..i've been talking with Wes a lot lately, and that anxiousness and excitement came rushing back. i went over his house sunday afternoon and we had one of our typical days. wrestling, sqealing, squirming, scratching, pouncing, licking, biting, bleeding, kissing, kissing, feeling, cuddling lalala. i love it. and i get to do it all over again on saturday. oh i can hardly resist the urge. | ||||||||
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2003 |
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| today i went and saw gothika for a second time. i went with Mooshie, Pete and Christine. i stole Christine's seat and ended up having to lend my right arm to her the whole movie. half the time she'd ask me if things were gonna pop out or just talk and i kept saying to shut up and watch cos it's a really good movie. she's somewhat of a sarcastic brat, but i still find her amusing. hm..i've decided to not speak to Casie for a while and see if she still has it in her heart to not let our friendship die. if not, then after a while i'll attempt talking to her again. it just really hurts to think i could be losing my best friend in the world over some phase she's probably going through and us being 'different'. it's her fault. she never wants to hang out anymore and she's always seeming disinterested when we talk on the fone. it's so annoying. she gives up on things way too fucking easily. pisses me off. i dunno. i created a survey on some site to see what my friends really think of me, so far i believe only one person has taken it and i believe it's her. she rated me pretty high on being a player, being conceited and some other shit i forget. eh. oh, talking too much. i never try to. but it seems everyone hates it when i get technical about stuff, or try to correct something. whatever. i've always felt like i should just shut up, cos then i'd never say anything wrong or upset someone. eh..so i haven't hung with Barry in a long while and i figure i should just give up on it cos y'know, it's just the whole situation of things and i'm too clingy. there's just no new meat around. i wish i could talk to some people at school, but what the fuck amd i s'posed to say to some random guy when i see him in the hall? ew. i'd feel like such an idiot. i still keep wishing we'd get some new guy students who were interesting and different from the masses and of course, hott, but mostly just something different. something to bring spice to school. i still have my fantasy of some extremely hott, mysterious guy coing up to me, only interested in me, blah blah. but now i feel like a selfish, arrogant blah person. meh. if only life were easy.. | ||||||||
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| Friday, November 28th, 2003 |
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| mm..i just spent the past 4hrs with my brother, talking about our dad, bands like anti-flag and nofx and the system. we watched Michael Moore's movie Roger and me; its all about the downfall of general motors [GM] and how it all started in the town of flint, michigan and how it totally ruined the town becos of that asshole Roger Smith. he decided to shut down his factories in the u.s. and move them to mexico so that he'd only have to pay his workers 70¢ an hour. GM was doing exceding well. they were making billions of dollars..and he just shuts down the fatories. its a fucked up world we live in man. but i'm glad i got to spend that time with him. i mean, sure we're siblings, but i never really knew all that much about my brother. but tonight i got to see the kind of stuff he thinks about, and it turns out its like me. we both agree that we'd probably be democrats rather than like the republican our dad is and all this other stuff. but to move on from a blissful late nite bonding session..it sucks to see that my best friend if drifting from me. i keep hoping it's a phase. i dunno. she doesn't seem to want to hang out anymore or talk when i call her. always wanting to hang out with her mallrat friends. *sigh* i dunno. i deffinately believe she's changed. she's not who i knew before. and i miss her | ||||||||
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| Monday, November 24th, 2003 |
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| today was a really good day..i paid attention in my classes, i had what i needed, i laughed and talked with friends. but then i went and read it. like i could keep away right? i mean, it's addressed to me, he sent it to me, and he knows how it goes. you probably don't want to read this. you always say that, and i always read them, i said. one thing i forgot to mention. i always cry too. what is it about him that gets to me? he's too damn sweet is what. too damn sweet and honest and loving and and everything..and i..well i'm just a fucking idiot. here is the most honest, sweetest, caring person i've ever met and here we've known each other since summer and we've had our fun and long talks and come to find we're so good together. yet i'm afraid of relationships. jesus fucking christ. wtf Sara? what the hell is wrong with you? perfection and you go an tear it down the seams. nice job. | ||||||||
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| Sunday, November 23rd, 2003 |
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mm yesterday was very nice. i hung with Mooshie and Chris at Calvin park and we all got high. drove around for a while after that and got some food. Chris was nice enough to drop me off at la Madeline for Alina's birthday dinner thing. Kulveen came so i was really happy to see her, and that she didn't think i was upset with her. so her an i talked a lot about many things as we dipped bread in her tomato soup. mm. there was a table of people sectioned off by this little wall, who kept laughed quite loud, so every time they stopped laughing we'd start and be just abnoxiously loud as they were. that went on for a little bit. it was amusing. irg, i really don't feel like working on my essays for eng. and gov., alas, my gov. essay is due wednesday and i haven't even looked at the rubric since the first day we got it. pfft. i was hoping last night wouldn't end, specifically becos of this. -sigh- i sort of miss Wesley. wrestling in his living room..getting thrown onto the couch or stratled on the floor arms pinned, scratching his arms an back or slapping his face..ah what fun. perhaps i should visit him some weekend. but onto more present matters. Kulveen told me last night that she heard Barry was messing around w/some freshie at rm..which kind of makes me wonder and feel really..meh. i mean, i know he doesn't have a girlfriend. and though i know he prolly messes around with alot of girls, my info from various sources, i still want to go hang out again. i don't understand this lustful pining for him. why do i still call him when i know how wrong this all is? blegh, what a manwhore. i'm just too dependent and twisted to let go. i disgust myself. he's my nightly addiction. The seductress. You're the child of the dark, a baeutiful creation of ethereal power, and the such...how ever, your dark side often over takes what little good is in you. You may be manipulitive, or possibly, a flat out bitch...making yourself happy by using the people around you. Making them think you have some sort of caring for them, but don't forget, this is just a stereotype. Enjoy your self proclaimed hell. What Kind of Person Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  You are a beautiful vampire...You may use your beauty to get what you want, but most likely wi;ll not seduce them...but, then again, you never know...either way, you are the pick of the litter. Live fast, die beautiful. What Kind Of Vampire Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  You're meant for year(s) 1700-1890. You find beauty in the frills and twists of this period, where society was based on grace and nobility. You might also find a sort of romaticism in it, and it's dark under-belly, pertaining to the many family feuds and arranged marriages, as well as the very HIGH suicide rate of women. Which Era Do You Belong In? brought to you by Quizilla  You are a Banshee...you hate the very thing you were created for, but do it without question, letting your voice toll...once...twice...thrice...you are the bringer of death, but don't kill the messanger. What Kind of Fantasy Creature are You? brought to you by Quizilla  You're a Romantic goth...(Go you!) Your beauty is beyond belief, and you have a quiet, and nurturing understanding for everything, and everyone around...and perhaps, you have a fondness for vampires aswell? What Common Gothic Stereo-type Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  You are Water! What Element Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  Slit Throat(self-inflicted). A slit throat may show what a person is truly feeling, as well as their interest n the more morose. The person will often be reclusive, or have a dark/bitter dispositon. They might have a strage fetish, such as vampires, blood, or biting. How this effects you: You yourself, may find you agreeing with some of, if not all of the symptoms above, if you do happen to have some similarities to this stereotype, I suggest you get the help you need, and more then likely, deserve. How Will You Die? (Caution: Graphic Photos) brought to you by Quizilla  You are anything but evil...you're a compassionate, loving person who would give the clothes off your back to a firend in need. Keep on being wonderful, and kind, our world suffers from the lack of such people as you. Are You Evil? brought to you by Quizilla  Depression Which Life Stage Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  You are ..Not Forever! (Found on The Invasion from Within EP) What Tsunami Bomb song are you? brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Thursday, November 20th, 2003 |
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| damn, it's been about a month since i last wrote in this thing. so much has happened. been grounded for going to the anti-flag show, cos it was on a schoolnight. man fuck that. oi, i went crazy one night cos the units were being asses and just ran down to regal and talked with Jared about all the shit that'd been going on and such. a week after that i snuck out to go to a tsunami bomb show cos i was afraid to ask cos i thought they'd say no. then just recently i went and saw the disasters the slackers tiger army an rancid. it was fuckin rad ass show. the slackers were soo fuckin awesome! a very good ska band. hm..hung out with Barry a few times. redyed my hair. ah, i made this neat collage in art with Medusa and now were making clocks. egh, i saw Brian flirting with Jordana today. it made me somewhat disgusted and alert. i told Kulveen & Natalya he was the guy i used to like and that he only seemed to want some play. so Kulveen was like 'you should go tell her'. so we were all just watching them and Kulveen was like 'eh, she looks really interested in him..' and we kept watching and started laughing and then she came over and Kulveen was like 'talk to Sara'. so i started pulling her down the hall, away from everyone and Brian starts following so i said 'come in the bathroom' but he got to her and started talking so i went to my locker an then went back and found her. so i told her about how i'd hooked up with him before and all that shit and just to be careful cos i don't want Jordana to get taken advantage of or anything, especially by him. ew. but she seemed to just be like 'okay..?' and it made me feel stupid. so i have a feeling she's gonna tell him and then he'll be like wtf? to me and all this shit. ew. but on a good note, i got a shirt today that Heather made with that thing from inside the anti-flag cd thing. so i gotta give her 5 bucks tomorrow and give Jon back his bleach stuff. yesterday i walked home in the pouring rain, but it was fun. my hoodie and jeans were totally soaked. but walking home in such weather brought back memories of when i had the whole lust thing goin on for Timmy. ew. he's such a fucker, messing with so many girl's minds. but despite the part of me that loathes him, i still enjoy my memories of the time spent with him. it was so..gothique, and mysterious. but then the whole thing with him popping pain killers and sleeping pills really scared the shit outta me. that was a horrible time. but there was that one morning when i woke up really early and we went down to the park to watch the meteor shower. it was around this time of year. the leonids i think. it was pretty. it was so cold though. i remember getting home and laying in front of the heat vent with blankets wrapped around me, crying, because the warmth felt so incredibly nice. yah..i pity his new victim. but were tyring to save her from his games. so hopefully she'll be strong enough. wtf though, he's like what, 16 and he's going after a 20year old, not to mention she's his best friend's sister. what an ass. oi. the girls an i will prolly jump him and kick his ass one day. i really want to go see that new movie gothika. it looks interesting. mm insanity. ew. Robert keeps calling me to hang out and i just don't want to cos it's always so boring. it's getting annoying and i kinda don't want to tell him, but then i have more of an urge to next time he calls. i don't know if he still like likes me or what. but it doesn't matter all that much. i don't like him in that way anymore. so becos of the reconstruction of the kitchen, x-mas lists are small this year. only 5 things mum says. so i figured my boots should count as 2 since they're $88. so i'll just ask for gift cards to barnes & noble, best buy and whatever else. i don't really want all that much stuff though. just so long as i get my steel toed boots i'm happy. and i feel stupid for feeling this way but i've been looking at my weight. yah, like i need to. 103lbs give or take. it's just i like being light. i used to be 98lbs and i was really happy with that. or even if i was 1-2 lbs less. but i think i've been eating a lot more lately. it's like i have permanent munchies or something and i've only smoked once. oi. and apparently Nadirah's classes are still full, as far as i know, so no belly dancing for me. gr. i practice myself sometimes, but i only have Shakira to listen to, and it get's old real quick. plus the damn thing skips all the fuckin time. so Jared's going to go to rockville hs now. i wonder how many schools he's been expelled from now. i wish he could come to rm though. oh well. maybe he'll go to the goons show with me or something. deffinately spiking my hair the day before instead of waiting til the last minute and then have the hairdryer crap out again. eh, i s'pose it's off to finish up eng., read a little american skin and then hit the sack. can't wait for summer again. goin back to boston baby, yah! | ||||||||
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| Friday, October 17th, 2003 |
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| rar. i hate being sick yet i love it too. in a weird sense i like feeling achey and weak and having that tingly feeling all over. but then when you have to gargle with salt water and take pills when your throat hurts like fuck, thats not cool. *sigh* lets see..last weekend i went to the ren fest with athair and the Smiths. it was fun. i got my face painted again. i love getting it done. the eyework is so intricate. hopefully by sunday i'll be feeling better so we can go again. this time Casie & Carrie will be coming. should be fun. Jen got me a nice pair of black faerie wings, so i've already made an outfit to be a gothique faerie. its beautiful. stayed home yesterday and got to sit in the house being utterly bored with no internet, that is, until i plugged the phone cord into the other modem, hehe. and then got to let in the people who were bringing in the new cabinets for the kitchen. lalala a bag of dum-dums for me. i was invited to go to Chu Chu's party tonight, but i dont know if i am or not. i still feel like shit, but Cameron will be there..decisions. *gasp* Chu Chu lost his Jack Skellington beanie and Alina asked me if i would give him mine for a present. i said no way! i love my Jack and he's my first beanie ever! *snuggles Jack* mine. silly Alina, asking for my Jack, hah. i got this game from blockbuster last night, clocktower 3. it's pretty cool. sorta like fatal frame. *whimper* that game scared me. damn Eric's cell phone. hm..i should work on my blue girl, but i don't know what to put as a background. and i have to finish book 1 of the Odessey and take notes for monday. time to lurk.. | ||||||||
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| Saturday, October 11th, 2003 |
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| tonight was one of those natural high nights. regal was amazing. i don't think i've ever seen/met that many people in a night. i hung out with Katie a lot at first but started mingling a little later. we kept complaining how it was too early, cos nothing was really going on. i saw Wesley there with some of his friends, one being Brandon. i met him at Wes' party last year. fuck that kid is so damn hilarious. cracked me up all night. Jared was there too so i hung with him for a while. i saw Meghan and her little [note: little] posse. fucker. she told Jared "Sara wants to kill me and i don't know why" bs, she should know why. dumb bitch. met some of Zach's friends and it turned out they know Alex Henry, of as they call him 'angry kid'. lol so we told stories about him and stuff he'd done in school. Katie, Brandon and a few other kids and me were playing around with this jeep parked outside Ben & Jerry's. if you waved at a certain spot or smacked it the alarm would beep. so we did it so much until Katie smacked it really hard and set off the full blown alarm and everyone scattered like alley cats and burst out laughing. it was so fucking awesome! go Katie! we did it 2 more times tonight and the rest of the time just fucked around and talked and hung and skipped and ran and poked and laughed and whatnot. a very satisfying night i must say. half the people there were smacked. fun. then Brandon, Wes, Rumbles and Zach's friends Erin and David all pretended to beat up Brandon and cause a scene. it was fuckin hilarious, it looked so real. they did it twice. ah, my stomach hurt most of the time and Wes gave me $5 to get food but i ended up saving it anyway. i need money for shows. so Brandon and me flirted a little and so i believe he likes me. so he drove me home with Wes & Rumbles in back. i'm sad though cos he was having a few friends go over his house tonite cos no units are there, but i wouldn't have a way of getting home, rar. if only | ||||||||
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| Friday, October 10th, 2003 |
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| today was pretty alright. 1st was cool cos Greyson didn't make us do much work. we ended up having the spanish books open on our desk as a ploy just in case some other teacher walked in, while she told us stories of dumb things she'd done. 3rd was cool too, we started colouring in some of our black and white ink pictures with markers, grouping warm and cool objects. skipped 4th with Katie and Jessica and went to some random local park. it was so intruiging. we played on the swings and on the little bridge on the playground. natural high. we laughed and jumped and played and got wet from the morning dew. Jessica sat down to go down the slide and got her ass all wet and decided not to continue. we ran over to this random stone wall that was an unfinished square. walked along it and sat and looked around. Katie said it reminded her of slc punk when Stevo and Sandy did acid in the park. Jessica tried to catch a butterfly and Katie and me began making scenarios of unicorns running thru with naked faeries on its back and the random wall being the berlin wall and Katie being american and hiding behind a tree while she fought the british. ah such fun. i was paranoid like what on the way out and back. never caught, no worries. wah..going to regal in an hour or so. mingle mingle. i got the blues..for kraft macaroni & cheese.. | ||||||||
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2003 |
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321 every night another hour, im cutting down cos i dont always like to be a zombie. it always seems like school will go so slow when you first get there, but then you come to realize it's 4th peroid and you've gote 20 minutes left in class to finish your worksheets on atoms and the periodic table and then you get to stuff your face. 2.5hrs after that you're home and passed out on the couch. hm..yesterday morning there was so much fog you could barely see down the street. it was fun driving to school. walking into the building i felt half blind cos you can't see much out of the corners of your eyes and you almost think you are half blind until you see something right in front of you. still working on my heroin pamphlet. it's gonna be ólainn. today in art we went down the street and started to draw a little sewage creek. it was nice besides the fact you sometimes caught of wiff of the sludge, gag me please. so we finished our gov. class demo of running for president. yah we won; tootsiepops! Jon and me just sat there poking at one another and singing like the meatball people of rejected. ah gov..and more barely doing anything in eng. except having the story of agamemnon summarized for us and everyone going "ohh!". 10 days til the show. i actually saved some money last night, cookie for me. i want a leather jacket. *sigh* the casualties play tonight in va, as well as the exploited with total chaos at some other venue, also, in va. fuck, why they gotta be so far away? irg. cén fáth? cén fáth?? humph. damn i wish i was a speed reader. Ichi - "That one with wisdom" Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net What would your Japanese name be? (female) brought to you by Quizilla  You're Most Like The Season Winter ... You're often depicted as the cold, distant season. But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and Independant. You have an air of power around you - and that can sometimes scare people off. You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you rarely let people in if you can help it. You can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be negative, and hard to relate to, but you give off a relaxed image despite being insecure - and secretly many people long to be like you, not knowing how deep the Winter season really is. Well done... You're the most inspirational of seasons :) ?? Which Season Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla  Hello, (insert name here)! The whole world would know you by your birth name. You would not have a special name, or you would not be unknown. Everything you do would be recognized. You would leave things in the open. You hate getting caught in things you do, since it may tend to happen a lot. That is why, I must say, that you would probably get caught faster and easier than usual. You may just be famous for your slaughters, and then forgotten after you're off the streets. What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As? brought to you by Quizilla You are from the Ravnos clan. If ever a clan was renowned for a wickedly black sense of humor, the Ravnos would be that clan. These Cainites are deceivers of the first order, weaving illusion and lies into elaborate schemes to part the foolish from whatever it is the Ravnos might fancy - be it wealth, blood or even their victims' freedom. Like Mephistopheles or Old Scratch, the Ravnos ply their devil's deals with whomever they choose, be it human or Kindred, and woe to those who wind up unable to pay the hidden costs.. Now come and join your vampire community. to become immortal. What Vampire Clan Are You In (More Clans) brought to you by Quizilla |
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| it seems that people assume i'm pissed at them. i can't help it if thats just how it comes across. so Brian's still in the hospital and life is dull. i was actually missed at lunch today while i was in the library looking for pictures of heroin. yum. and i had a baby coke today and people tried to steal it *growl* when i was finished i gave it to Jon. that kid is quite amusing. fun fun fun..we had a code red drill during 3rd so everyone sat colouring in the dark. art is fun in a dark room. so is throwing crayons. Gavin shaved his mohawk. spéisiúil, athair just offered me ice cream, how cute. once again i'm sick, except this time no fever, waking up 5 times a night or a sore throat. though i miss my early morning lurks about the house. anyhow, driofúr is coming saturday morning and then we go shopping. joy. if nil me meisce sunday, i'm going to scream. oíche mhaith. | ||||
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Blurty for heroïnme.
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melancholy.
dirty.
contemplative.
sad.
sleepy.
crappy.
tired.
full.