I grab a quick shower, jump into some form of something that I'm sure someone would call "clothes" and eat some mushy cereal. I grab my gear and head outside into the torential downpour that seems to have befallen most towns around mine.

I get to the bus station a couple minutes early and wait for the driver to let us board the bus. Traffic is horrible, even at 11:30 in the morning. Rush hour always goes on a lot longer than an hour, now doesn't it? So we take a small detour and manage to get to Union station on time, or somewhere there abouts.

I trudge across the street, blatantly defying a sign that says "Please cross at intersection" so that I won't get nearly as soaked, wearing sandals. I realize how utterly and completely stupid it is to wear sandals when it's pouring rain, but I really have no choice. My achilles tendon hurts when I wear anything with any form of a backing on it, so what I'm wearing right now is barley a step up from flip-flops. The joy of it all.

I enter the station and go directly to the GO customer service room and get my new student card for the summer so that they don't yell at me and make me pay $113 for riding without it.

I walk through the Skywalk to the CBC center, leaving at Front St. to cross over to the next building, trying my best to stay dry without an umbrella.

I head upstairs, hoping to find a computer lab with no classes going on, and here I am, on a computer in the screenwriting room, typing away, quite bored...and wet.

I don't even know what to write. Weird things have been happening lately and I haven't really wanted to write about it because...well...the things that have been happening seem to go completely against all the other things I've written here. it's quite scary, actually, to think I could change my mind this much about someone.

Chris.

My god. I don't even know what to say. I think it was...Friday...yes, Friday. i had to go downtown to sign into my lab class (no actual class, just had to sign in). SO I did that and had to waist some time before I could go home again, so I popped over to the screenwriting room to fidget about online, getting backgrounds and pictures and such to add to my collection. About a half an hour into my search, Chris walks into the Screenwriting room and looks as though he's on a mission to talk to me. He sits down beside me and starts talking away, saying that he might be transfering to Sheridon college instead because of some trouble he's had with the Dean on the Chairs of several programs. I tell him that's too bad. He says he really wanted to tell me because he thought we 'clicked' the other day. We got along really well, but he was acting as though we were suddenly best friends. When he sat down, I was looking at a DeadUnity regarding lesbians and bi's, which I had just joined. He saw it. I asked him "So do you like me or something?" *glances at screen* "No." Fine...sure...whatever...you tickle me and poke me but no...course you don't like me. Course not.

The computers began acting up and no pages would load. I figured he was relatively safe to be around so I asked him if he wanted to go 'hang out' somewhere else. I figured maybe we would go down to the foodcourt and talk or something. No..instead we ended up walking along Queen St...we went to Silver Cross and Siren and that was fun...saw a cute lil gothy boy I would have loved to have jumped ;) It was raining out and my feet were soaking wet...and he cared...I could sense it from him. He actually cared that my feet and jeans were wet...so we went to a coffeeshop and he bought me a coffee. We sat there four a couple hours and talked. I wouldn't let him inside my bubble. He wanted to poke me or scare me or something...I dont know. So we left the coffeeshop after a bit through the back way through a really colourful and cool looking alleyway. Apparently he's done some filming there before. Anyways, it got us talking about art and nifty things you can find in alleyways. We seemed to enjoy each others company and I figured, yet again, that he was a relatively safe guy for me to be around. We went searching for dark alleyways. Please no comments about how stupid an idea that was...it just sort of happened. So we walk aimlessly through the streets of Toronto, talking about gawd knows what until we find a suitable one. It was pretty cool looking...the kind you would see in a vampire movie...with vampires waiting in the shadows or something..secret doors and the like.

Then he bit my neck.

Yes...he did...and I let him. I can't believe I let him bite my neck. Goddess help me. lol. It was...interesting. So...we found a dark alleyway and Chris bit my neck. He was so completely in my bubble.

Then he took me out for dinner. lol. We went to Swiss Chalet and we talked and he came in my bubble again when he was warming my hands up. And I let him. I decided I liked him. After dinner I decided I wanted to find a different alley. So we walked aimlessly some more until we found one. Then he *really* came in my bubble. We kinda...made out...in an alleyway. I can't believe myself. I never do that on a first date. What the hell was it anyways? A talk that turned out to be a date? Gawd, I don't even know. He makes me feel happy, though, and that's what matters, right?

So I gave him my phone number and he called me the next day. And we talked for three hours. We hung up with each other at around 1:30 or so. I dont generally talk on the phone...let alone for that length of time.

Oy Vey...why does this happen to me? Geez. So...we're thinking about a relationship...we want another day to hang out "just to be sure". This will be one of the weirdest relationships I've ever been in...if we end up in a relationship.

I'm going to meet Scott. Am I nervous? Damned if I know. I just...am....right now.

NEXT DAY:

Well..Scott came and went. I don't really feel like writing about him right now, though. We had good time, we had bad times...we had uncomfortable moments and...well...there was sex. lol. I can't believe I'm writing about my sex life in an online journal, but I am. Umm. Many many times. Can barely walk. Good pain. Muscles hurt. And that's the end of that.

So he came Thursday and we hung out, went to the Paramount, saw Shanghai Knights (funny movie)

Then there was Friday. I really wanted to take Scott to Cerridwen's Mug, but of course it didn't end up that way. We had a little argument, I got a little bit mad at him and then of course, I got my 'friend' and said screw it. Basically, I could barely walk and the bathroom was my friend. Arg. Why does stupid stuff happen to me on the one day of the month I want to go and do something Pagan?

So then there was that. Yeah. I'm not feeling too great right now. I think I'm going to be sore for the next few days. Arg. But I think it's worth the pain.

I really wish he could have met some of my Pagan friends (mostly Samantha). Arg. Eh...time to go home and face the parents. I didn't sleep over at the hotel with him as originally planned. That was a result from the argument. At the moment, I just...don't want to talk about it.

NEXT DAY:

Meh. That's how I feel. My dad has been bitchy for the past several weeks. I guess there's stuff going on at work or whatever, but does he have to take it out on me? He yells at the slightest thing, and it's getting worse. I didn't move an elastic today and he almost ripped my head off. He has a serious case of PMS. Geez. Don't tell me guys don't get PMS, because they do, and generally it's worse than women.

I think I'm halfway between feeling depressed and feeling as though I can function in normal society. It's a weird feeling. I think it's because Scott left yesterday. The only really 'good' day we had together was the first day he came. And then, me and my big mouth, I had to bring up the 'Are we actually in a relationship' issue. I still don't know. Gods. I don't think so, though. I don't know what to think anymore. I mean...obviously he cares enough about me to fly out to see me, right? If he just wanted sex, it would have cost him a lot less to get a hooker. I guess he cares...I dunno. It's a pain in the ass to think right now.

I feel distant. Like I'm floating above my body, looking down at it and saying "Gawd, what an idiot". That's how I feel.

I have too much work to do. I shouldn't even be online right now. I don't think I even care anymore, though. I think I've accepted the fact that I'm going to fail at least two classes this term: Acting and Lighting. Great.

It's kinda nice outside now. It's above freezing at this point and it's back to leather trenchcoat weather. That's always fun. Weird looks are fun. It doesn't feel fun. Not all the time. It doesn't even feel. Do I feel? I don't know. Maybe I don't. Maybe I have no actual emotion. If I did, I would stop myself anyways. I'm afraid to care, afraid to love. I've never been in love before. I don't even think I want to be. It takes a lot of trust and that's something I don't have. I have a hard time trusting people. A lot of the time it may seem as though I'm trusting, but in the end, I'm not. I don't like to get attached. I never have. I think that's why all my relationships end so quickly. I'm afraid of everything.

My life is an elevator in a 75 story building, broken and plumeting to the bottom. I hate elevators.

I think I upset him last night when I told him that my friend Shada and I were talking about the guy she's obsessed with named Rob (Otherwise known as 'guy whose name I don't know'). He already knows (Scott does) that I like Rob. I get the fact that I'm in a relationship now (kinda), but am I supposed to instataneously lose all interest in all members of the opposite (or same) sex as myself? Oy.

Then there's the matter of all my exams next week. I have two projects to hand in to Rob on Monday. I haven't started either of them. Arg. Plus on Monday I have about 5 things to hand in for my acting class. I think that ones going to be last on the list. I'm sorry, but that class is just a farce. We (meaning a handful of people from my class) talked to John, the Chair of our program, about the class and all he said was "Leave it with me." I would like to do a lot more than "Leave it with him." Gawd.

On Tuesday I have three exams. Writing Documentary, Documentary Production and Lighting. Lighting is the only one I'm actually worried about. It's worth 50 percent of our final mark. Oh joy. Dennis, the TA was spouting off a whole lot of jibberish yesterday when we were doing a 'review'. SOmehow I don't think it should be called a review if this is the first time you're hearing about something. It just doesn't make sense. So basically, I'm going to fail. I don't understand lighting at all. Wires and lenses and joy cables and deif boxes and the SR1 camera and the SR2 camera...oh, by the way, what is 4 stops above 2.8 on the light meter? I HAVE NO IDEA!

On Wednesday in Documentary Production we're going to screen everyone's nonexistant documentary's. That's right. Non-existant. Some people have actually gone so far as to film a little bit of them, but that's about it. They haven't dumped anything on the computer or edited anything in the slightest. That makes me feel a little bit better since I've actually finished all my filming and have dumped what I can onto the computer. The sound sucks in every clip. I think it's the computer that I'm on. If I change the Db, I can raise the sound, but I can't raise it too much because there's no fucking headphones to be found anywhere in the bloody school. Lovely. Then I get stupid people behind me playing regae at full blast. I want to smack them. I think I will. It's very hard to hear Heather explain what Paganism is with Bob Marley wailing away in the background. Arg. Kill them now. Please. Make it swift and painful.

After Wednesday, however, it's pretty much clear sailing. On Thursday I have a day off. For once this term I might actually not go to school on my day off. What fun...mom will probably have shit loads of work for me to do. Maybe I had better go in. Make use of 'away from her time'. Then on Friday...lab. We never do anything in lab. Sign in and then 5 hours of "Me Time." I need some Me Time. Me isn't getting enough time with me to do something that Me actually wants to do. Arg.

Then I have three weeks off. Three weeks alone in the house with my mother. Please come and let rats slowly nibble and chew me in a dark sewer to the point of death. Or, better yet, maybe I can go babysit Chuckie or take a nice stroll down Elm Street or meet up with that old friend of mine Michael Meyers. He was always lots of fun. Three weeks with my mother is so entirely unappealing. Can you tell? It would be awesome if I had a job to go to.

Oh...almost forgot. Next Thursday I'm also teaching my screeenwriting class at Beanz. I dont know how that will go. So far I have a total of one person signed up. Yay. (note sarcasm) We'll see how it goes. I have flyers all over the place. Can't people even call to inquire? Sheesh.

Annnd then? I'd like you to put it in a bag and give it to me. Annnnd then? And then I'd like to take it home and eat it. Annnnd then? No and then.
And then?
No and then.
And then.
NO AND THEN!
(quiet)
AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN!!!!

I'm sick of lying about my sexuality, my religion and my relationships. It's been getting worse, especially with Scott coming to see me and me spending so much time with Pagan friends now.

It's coming into my dreams now, too. I'll do my best to recall last nights dream...

For some reason I was on a stage helping comedians perfom...like an assistant or something I guess. My parents are in the audience. Then Jack McFarland from Will and Grace comes on to do 'Just Jack'. Before he came on the stage he said goodbye to his wife and kids, though. Very weird. At the time I thought maybe it was because he's an actor and maybe he's straight in real life, but then I realized that it probably symbolizes the fact that I'm bisexual.

So he does whatever his show is and then asks me to play something on a tape deck to the side of the stage. I do so and it plays normally. Then afterwards, when his tape ends, something of mine begins to play. It's an interview that I apparently did with some Pagan author with my voice asking the questions. I hurry to shut it off but my parents scream out "No! Let us hear it!" and so they listen to it and it's all about Paganism and such. I get yelled at and then I'm not on the stage anymore. I'm in the car with my parents trying to explain that it wasn't me, and that I'm not Pagan. They tell me that they've known all along because they track me on the internet, record my phone conversations and know about every little thing that I do. This scares the shit out of me. It goes on for a long time about this and then I wake up.

I'm too nervous to leave my room as of yet because I'm quite sure I'll yell at them, even though I knew it was a dream. I just lay there, thinking about it, getting more and more depressed.

I've been trying to come up with a way for me to spend the night with Scott. Yes, I'm promiscuous, and I fully admit it. I want to sleep with him. Sex doesn't have to be involved, just sleeping. My parents wont let me sleep over at a guys house, though. Especially a 25 year old guy from Washignton State who they dont know. I have no close female friends who I can get to cover for me (that i can think of off hand). Gawd this is driving me crazy.

I swear, one of these days I'm just going to SNAP. I'm going to go ballistic and start yelling and screaming....or maybe I won't talk at all. Maybe I'll go catatonic or something. I could completely see either of them happening. I'm very stressed. I'm going to cause my body damage if this keeps up. It can't be good. I can't eat, I can't sleep.

I dont know what to do any more

ME "What did we have for dinner?"
MOM "We had pancakes. It's pancake Tuesday. It's some Catholic holiday or something."
ME "Are we Catholic now?"
MOM "No, we're still Pentacostal"
ME "Oh are we?"
MOM "Yes...although we were Baptist for a while."
ME "What if I didn't want to be a Pentacostal anymore?"
MOM "What would you be?"
ME "I don't know..."
MOM "Still Christian, right?"
ME "No, a different religion"
MOM "I see"
ME "What would you say if I didn't want to be Christian anymore?"
MOM "I would disown you."
ME "You would?"
MOM "Yes. Not like you care or anything, but I would."

They broke up soon after Denee visited him in Washington. For some strange, unknown reason, I started talking to Scott again a couple of weeks ago, and we've been talking a lot. Yesterday I think we talked for around five hours straight on msn. I don't do that with anyone. Generally I don't have anything reasonable to talk about for that amount of time, but Scott is different. A lot of the time he's the only reason I come online anymore, and that scares me. I shouldn't care this much about someone I've never met before. He's coming to Toronto soon, sure, but right now he's not here, and I find myself wishing he was. We're not even dating, but it feels like we are. He's very possesive of me, which makes me feel very special. I've never really had a possesive relationship before.

On a different note, I've been running into troubles editing my footage of the coven meeting/ritual. There's no room left on any of the computers, and even if it says there is, it still won't let me dump any of it onto the computer. Arg.

When Scotts around, I'm not depressed, without him, my mood tends to drop down below the line. I don't want to be dependant on him. It scares me.

Scott is...well...not poor...lol. He makes somewhere around 75k Canadian a year at the age of 25. I hate that that's important to me. It shouldn't be. It's nice to know, though, that if he moves to Toronto I'll be able to move out of my parents house and move in with him. That scares me, too. Everything scares me. Gawd.

My TV broke this morning. I turned it on, watched it for 60 seconds and then...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sighs. It really pisses me off. I hate having to leave my room. My room is my comfort zone. I hate watching TV in the living room. It smells like dog piss.

Today is not my day. Tomorrow will not be my day. I'm going to fail my documentary assignment. The stupid JVC camera they gave us that I don't know how to use isn't going to work. I'll run out of tapes. No one will show up for interviews. People will get mad at me. It's going to rain. And then it's going to snow. And then everything is going to freeze. And then I'm going to be drivig home, get in a car accident and die. I am. Trust me. And I'm not pessimistic. I'm in a bad mood.

My life is a spiraling web of lies, most of which are directed at my parents, or to be more exact, my mother, simply because my dad just doesn't care. My lies are stupid, too.

"What are you doing your documentary on?"
"I don't know, I havent thought of anything yet"
"But you're filming it tomorrow"
"Yeah, I'll think of something"

I read two books today. Not small books...books the size of an Anne Rice novel. I don't know if I've ever done that before. They must have been good books *shrug*. I think I was just bored without the TV or people to talk to.

I tell myself that I want to talk to people, then when there's people around to talk to, I'm quiet and I falsify every statement or remark I make with a smile, a laugh, something forced and unnatural. I want to do something. I think I want to go hiking. Stupid snow. I hate snow. If it never snowed again, it would make my life a happier one.

Pet Peeve: When you're in a restaurant (meaning any place food or drink can be purchased) and the staff come and clean a table, using harsh cleaners and such that spray into the air, not only while you're sitting in the vicinity, but while you're food still is.

I work for a newspaper. I do Community Calendar stuff, meaning I type up what people send in, who have some sort of neat event going on in the community in the upcoming weeks. It clearly states in the paper: Please submit your information at least one week before the date of your event. For godsakes, is that really so hard to understand? Why, pray tell, can't they read? I recieve something on Friday (say February 4) and the Calendar comes out the following Wednesday. If they give me an event on Friday that happens the next day, IT CANT GO IN THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER! Arg! STUPID STUPID STUPID PEOPLE!

After Samantha and I talked, I called Adam to update him on the directions to get to Diana's house, informing him that her appartment building was "number something fifty" (lol...sorry Sam...it was just funny). Adam and I have to go and pick the equipment up today. He wants to see if we can get a fisheye lens and try that out. I said "Good luck. It's Friday. Everything has already been signed out." So we'll see how lucky we are today. He's such a quiet guy...the first time I met him...well...I met him my first term in the school and we barely talked all of the ten weeks during that term. Now, I guess we're in the same 'clique' at school and we talk more frequently. He's such a great guy for helping me out on such short notice. Unlike some people. *cough* Dave *cough*. He has a Metropass so he's going to meet me at Union Station on Sunday so that we can get lost trying to find Diana's house together. I figure it's probably going to be easier that way. The trains on the weekend are very sparse, so I can't miss the 10:45 train downtown. It will take and hour to get to Union and at least half an hour to get to Diana's, I figure, from Union station. Arg. I'm going to be late, I know it. I told Diana I would be there for 12. I'm sure she won't mind having more time to clean up, though (as she informed me).

After my short conversation with Adam, I tried calling Diana again and basically spent my entire evening talking to her. I don't know if I've ever spent that much time on the phone in my lifetime. I'm not a typical teen, I guess. *shrug* We talked about everything. It's kind of hard to keep her on one topic, though, lol. Oy Vey. We tried working out things for Sunday, but it was slow going, so we'll see how it goes. *crossing my fingers* I don't want to Jinx anything.

It occured to me the other day that I will have a college degree (graduated from post-secondary education entirely) before I am legally able to drink. Do you realize how much that sucks? lol

Today I have to film a mockumentary in my lab class. Oh joy, oh bliss. I have no idea what to do, and I doubt I'll be able to find a decent group this time, since Paul and Andy have this high and mighty attitude towards everyone else lately. We'll see how things turn out.

Favourite expression heard recently:
Diana (talking to me on the phone): Stop it! You're making me itchy!

ARG! REMINDER: DO NOT BLOW NOSE! HURTS LIKE SHIT!

I hope to the Goddess that I feel better by Sunday to go to Diana's house. Adam is coming with me to go. He's such a great guy, lol. I asked him on Tuesday to be my camera guy since Dave bailed on me for Friday and told me he had to work on a fifth term project all weekend. Gee. Thanks. So great to know that I'm real important. I was supposed to go with him [Dave] today to the Bay subway station to go ghost hunting, but dear Goddess I am so completely not going downtown today! I told him I had a doctors appointment today. I don't. I'm very sure that some of my anger at him not being my camera man is seeping through to me not working on his project with him. I'm very childish when I'm sick.

So on Friday, Adam and I are picking up all the camera equipment from the equipment room. He's taking the tripod and I'm taking the camera (because the tripod won't fit on the GO bus) and then we'll distribute the sound equipment after that. I still have to give him directions to Diana's house, which she said she was going to e-mail to me, but I guess hasn't gotten the chance to do so as of yet.

I had some ideas for different interviews for the coven members on Sunday. I want to do at least one walking interview, so I'll have to find someone willing to brave the cold outside to do an interview with me. I also have to somehow get photocopies of release forms...without the use of a photocopier. Wonderful.

Hopefully *crosses fingers* things will work out ok for Sunday. I have a mini-white board in my room to write down stuff that I need to remember to do. Last night I wrote down 'Call Diana!'. My mom, of course, comes in, looks at the board and immediately says: 'who's Diana?'. A normal question, I know, but since she doesn't know anything whatsoever about my life as a Pagan, I can't tell her who Diana realy is. My response: 'Oh...I met her at a coffeeshop....yeah...with Gary...' She then replied: 'You were at a coffeeshop with Gary?' You see...I could tell her things, but the very next day she would forget it anyways, unless it was something that made her angry. *shrug*

I hate know-it-alls. People who are matter-of-fact about their religion, which generally happens to be the same religion as mine. I hate the people who always have to know more about it than you, and of course, if you have a differing opinion, they are always right. It bugs me *even further* when all I was doing in the first place was quoting a web page, and the person jumps all over me saying that the information is entirely wrong. You see...there's this thing in Paganism...where....everyone pretty much believes something else. I don't think I've found two Pagans yet who agree on every aspect of the religion together. I suppose it's the same with all religions, actually. Not everything makes sense to all people. Oh, and the thing I *really* hate, are the teenagers who might have read a book or two on the religion. They find out you're a practicing Pagan and start talking to you on the subject. Fine. The fact is, they think they know everything after one book. For gawd sakes. If I read just one book, and that book happened to be written by someone like Vivienne Crowley, I would have an extremely messed up view of the religion. Nothing personal against Ms. Crowley, I'm just not her biggest fan.

Ok...I think I'm done ranting...Kudos to anyone who read through all of that...lol