Jeann

7:09am: When in doubt, kick it.
Work yesterday: the man finally calls, sounding really guilty. Later that evening he takes me out to dinner and out to get my favorite drink at a nice bar. I have to say, I was relieved to see him and spend time with him. He explained that he was very, very angry the night before, and that talking with him or seeing him would have been useless while he was in that mode. He seemed scared and shocked when I told him that I thought we would seperate, or that I got that impression from our phone conversation the night before. He gave me lots of love and affection and I truly feel like the idea scared him.

He's so unpredictable. Speaking of unpredictable, the weather is awesome right now!! It's pouring rain and booming with thunder.

10:32am: Colorgenics
Wow, this was right on.

Name: Jeann
Date: 8/19/2009
Colorgenics Number: 21075643


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You are a very sensitive person and you try hard (perhaps a little too hard) to make favourable impressions and to be recognised by your peers. But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired and you are easily hurt if all of your endeavours go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. Stop trying so hard.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.

Having experienced considerable disappointment of late and not knowing quite what to do about it this has led you to suffer a great deal of agitation and anxiety. You are trying very hard to make favourable impressions all round. You feel that you have a right to do anything that you wish without being condemned for your beliefs. Everything seems to be going against you and you feel helpless to change the situation. The possibility of failure is most upsetting and this situation is leading to untold stress. You honestly believe that the situation is not of your making - it is not your fault - you have been misled and abused by those that you trusted, but you are trying to look at the situation quite dispassionately. Would you perhaps not agree that this situation could be regarded as unrealistic self justification?

Overwork - be it mental stress or physical strain, you are completely worn out and this depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation. You feel disappointed with your obvious lack of energy and powerless to do anything about it. You are angry with yourself and this frustration shows. You are contradictory and argumentative and feel helpless to change the situation at this time. Take a break - even if it is only for a few days - allow yourself to breath, to unwind - you'll feel much better for it. Then trust and let go.

http://www.goldinuniverse.com

9:17am: It took me a long time to be like a duck.
Number one, let it roll off my back. Number two, paddle like hell underwater where nobody else can see. Or three, feel like an eagle - despite your duck background/family. If you believe it, everyone else will too.

The above quote came from an email to Kayla from her aunt, but I thought it was noteworthy.

Last night was rough. I walked for three miles down to the river just to sit on the rocks and think about everything. I felt overwhelmed, but walking helped me get somewhere. I can't sit still for long.

He's not talking to me right now. I am not used to being around such an angry person. It scares me and makes me want to retreat. I am apologetic and seek peace. I can imagine a whole future of drama and insecurity that I might somehow upset him. I do not like this.

I am leaving in two weeks. Maybe I will just pack up my car and look forward to other options. Isn't it funny that just a few days ago in one of my entries, I questioned whether or not this was the real thing. Perhaps this was in the making.

3:16pm: Get ready for the fire.
I don't know what's going to happen today between my boyfriend and Cesar, but I'm a little upset about the entire dilemma. I feel like David should be the bigger man and just shrug it off; but that's not to say that I feel like shrugging it off is always the appropriate behavior either. In this situation, it seems high levels of testosterone at work and drama will ensue for a long time.

Work was horrendous - it was college move in day at WSU. Huff is extremely busy, as was work today. I think I'm going to go for a run just to get away from this anxiety that I'm feeling. I'm bitter at the world today - look out!!

Tyler asked me how I could possibly be so happy all the time. I smiled and replied "who the hell told you that? I'm fake as hell!" Heh, I'd like to think I'm not fake, but I believe that I have found a way to direct my energy to the positive side, instead of constantly reacting negatively like I wish or feel inside.

Inside. What's going on in there anymore? What am I becoming? Mike told me that the lakes I've been swimming in are contaminated with tons of chemicals from the companies nearby. Perhaps this is what's going on. I'm not glowing in the dark yet, nor do I have a tail. Time will tell.

9:49pm: glorious wisconsin, the drunk waitress & the cougar
Dave and I travelled to 'glorious' northern wisconsin to visit Manitowish Waters' Little Bohemia lodge where the Dillinger shootout happened with the FBI. His car failed, so we entrusted the journey to my Rita, my buick skylark. Equipped with tent pieces, blankets and a full cooler, we sailed passed nothing, nothing, and more nothing. We did see a Skylark motel, which made me laugh a little. When we arrived to the camp ground, we quickly set up and relaxed. I was feeling pretty out of it but we were simply happy to have made it.

Our reservation for Little Bohemia was at 8:30pm, so we decided to cruise down there a little early to check it out while the sun was still up. We browsed around, camera in hand, and took some neat photos of the lodge. We went inside for some beverages and to pass the time until dinner, as we were both starving. it was pretty late by the time we were able to get our table, but we weren't complaining by that time. the waitress was slurring her words and appeared very intoxicated. we were very amused by this. the food was expensive but awesome and the atmosphere was great. i even tripped over my heals two times, but found this hilarious instead of embarassing.

we drove back to the campsite and turning on country rd N we spotted a very large cougar leaping across the road, which is very near our campsite. dave started a fire and the rest of the night is kind of blurry. we had this rice wine from meenas family, so we just drank and chatted until retiring to bed. it rained pretty heavily and seeped into the tent, meaning i woke up in a puddle.

aside from the rain and the millions of daddy long legs, it was pretty cool to spend time with my man in 'glorious' wisconsin. i say glorious because we went through so many bumfuck towns that you'd miss if you were to blink, so every unicorporated town was preceded by 'glorious' or 'magnificent'

i am ready to welcome some rest. i think my tailbone is bruised and my brain foggy.

i wonder if this relationship is the real deal. i want it to be, but i am hesitant to feel secure. i love loving, and being loved, but i recognize how fragile and delicate the emotion. something to ponder.

4:14pm: Meaning is sometimes hard to spot, begins with the flickering of cigarettes
the suffocated midwest, metal, concrete, cars weaving along on the freeway, always in a hurry, always could go faster. theres a nice little hobble and scrape from the shoulder, staring idly at the passing cars. some are kids, staring back. others are teenagers with giant headphones, makes their heads look really tiny, with the chairs reclined and drool pooling on their virgin necks.

I went to Madison, WI for the Donate Life ceremony, in which they honored my old man for donating his kidneys. It was a nice occasion. I dressed in 5 minutes and slept off the intoxication I still had at 6am in the backseat after attempting to eat junk food. yuck. anyway, we get there and I felt pretty spiffy at this mansion next to a lake. some guest speakers, we got a metal, took a picture with the governor. you know what really stood out? the governors wife.

the governors wife was a slight woman with exhausted blue eyes - something intrigued me about them. there was wisdom and fatigue, wisdom that i doubt she'd take the time to share because it belongs to her. ladies and gentleman, governor jim doyle and mrs. [.] i watched her peer out into the audience without any interest at all. she smiled, and it was kind, but almost as if she was resisting faintly. i guess maybe id feel that way too. governor doyle! and the old lady. the old broad. whats-her-face. Wife. wonder if she drinks.

I went to see Joyce with her son Jacob, 10, in intensive care. He just had brain surgery for the second time. He's coming around; they said he didn't even use morphine when they went through his cranium. he's walking, talking, and even smiling. i was moved.

i still feel like im riding in a car. i think i shall shower because i smell like fast food, cheap perfume, smokes, and hot day. eww.

:)

7:30pm: for those of you keeping score at home...
I just dragged my rump up the hills for another exhausting yet determined run. I am closer to achieving my goal, and I love the feeling of accomplishment. I'm thinking thin! [I just want to be on television!!]

Last night I watched a great film called Running Scared. I believe that was the name. Dave was nearly dead from work, and I was working on drinking a little whisky. Anyhow, he passed out and I passed out as well. However, I dreamt that I was still awake, drinking whisky. Not just a little bit, but the entire bottle. I woke up feeling fine but ashamed that I had consumed the entire bottle. Much to my suprise, I noticed the bottle, with only a few shots taken out. I was relieved that I am not yet an alcoholic. Phew.

I am lusting for a shower, as I'm sure anyone near me would appreciate it. Sweet marshmallow jesus I stink. :) ciao!

10:04am: home sweet camper
so, the time has finally arrived. david and i have been sleeping in a camper because his room was not finished in the house. alas, it is time for david to move out of the camper into his brother's home. as much as i am excited to sleep in a room, part of me is afraid to exit the redneck shell. there was something liberating about retiring to the camper. i think the camper forced us to be closer, quite literally. so many classic camper lines, for example: "classy lady? you're naked in a camper" or "how are we supposed to go camping? we don't have a tent" ahh.

i just made myself a huge breakfast and was prepared for a jog before my abbey cackums came over. she pointed at the bluff and said "mommy, did you live in that mountain?" hahaha.

In 50 minutes I am going to work to be intellectually and physically overworked and humiliated, sexually harassed, and covered in ice cream [custard] . Mike, my ogre of a boss, looks eager to start exerting his dominion over staff right when i walk in the door. I was told that he was making a sundae yesterday and accidently spilled some green shit [mint] on his crotch area. Failing to notice this, he proceeded to take orders at each register...which in turn left at trail of green semen behind. when he realized the jolly green giant mess, he grabbed a rag and began to rub his genital area furiously, directly in front of horrified customers. not only was he lime green afterwards, but also wet. kudos, mike.

time to go throw my work clothes in the dryer just to make them appear clean. gross, huh. toodles!

12:03pm: nishki', biskane
niish, niijikiwi, maanemin. manepwaa bakite'ige, onji aapiji onijinawe wiisagendm. anishaa. niish, niijikiwi gagwaanisagizi..

2:19pm: i'm sorry, little one.
your time will come soon enough

4:13pm: You should see the other guy!
I scored a black eye last night when I was somehow whirlwinded into a nasty after-bar brawl. Wicked. Since I look like a battered woman, I'm waiting for some stranger to approach me in public and say "aw honey, leave him"

It's christmas eve and I'm going to spend the holiday drinking v8 and watching friends :-)

11:32pm: waiting to be asked inside, just come inside!
home! abbey cackums! punkin candles! pure and beautiful isolation!

10:11pm: rhubarb is the only known cure for fish fever.
today i had a horrific moment. we were all relaxing after dinner at family table ("nothing fancy, just good food")and i burnt my tongue on my coffee. i then spit it up all over the table and proceeded to sulk for many moments. everyone laughed but i did not find this funny. my tongue still aches with pain, as does my heart. i used to be so fond of coffee, now i feel only fear and hesitation.

2:54pm: Shallow work is the work that I do
One down, one to go. Hurrah!

11:30pm: virginal entry
today has been very lovely. i achieved plenty of rest and snacked far too often, as well as briefly overlooking some notes in preparation for my finals. i dreamt that i went to france, though it looked no different than the midwest. the plane ticket was $128 and i took my roommate and a friend. when we arrived, we tried to purchase alcohol with much difficulty. later we failed at finding a motel room so we slept in my car and sipped wine to keep warm. apparently i transported my car to france as well. later we participated in street soccer and i was the goalie, as well as pregnant. i wonder what this means? perhaps as a remedy to college stress i ought to get knocked up and move someplace exotic where i will live in my car and hang out with kids.

once more i have ignored studying and am willing to accept my fate. i am doomed to mediocre grades and guilt. where did this apathy come from? who cares. i am going to eat a piece of bread and verbally assault my roommate until she is fun.