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Monday, September 13th, 2004
8:48 am - The Big Move
I've decided that Livejournal is the only place left for me. here's my new address



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Friday, August 27th, 2004
11:38 am
Last night we went to see Del Castillo, Kinky and Ozomatli. We didn't stay for all of Ozomatli, they weren't being felt if you catch my drift. Del Castillo was really good, like a bargain bin sort of gypsy kings. Thus, they were tight like night. Kinky however, holy groove, batman! They has a huge amount of energy to them and it was beautiful.

the end for now.

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Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
11:53 pm - With your face so sad I long to make you mine
I'm going to California tomorrow at around 3. My grandmother died today.

It's usually shocking when you realize how much you can handle or how much you have handled. Someone should be proud of me. Fuck, I'm proud of me. Not because I'm sort of super strength, but because existence, in the long run, is an overwhelmingly good idea.

If you'd stop questioning it all, you'd realize you were letting it all pass by. You're worrying about what's going to happen and here it is, it's happening. Life doesn't need you but it's more than willing to include you, and that, my friend, is a beautiful offer.

My friends, thanks for being supportive. Not just now, but this whole damn year.

current mood: grateful
current music: "sunday Morning" velvet underground

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Friday, August 13th, 2004
3:00 am - Oh, Brave New World...
If there are typos, I'm sorry. The complexities of typing are a bit too much for me right now.

Yesterday was by far one of the best days I've had in a long time. Mari, Laura and I sat midfield VIP section at the Chicago Fire game, and let me tell you, it was quite the event. It was this epic thing where we got two free tickets from Lisa and lucked out with the purchase of the third. Luck is amazing. We then traveled all the way back to my humble abode and, joined by the infamous maria, started our journey towards ridiculous inhebriation. I woke up this morning to no headache, lounging about my room with my posse (I finally got to see Lisa) and a parking ticket. Parking ticket et al, it was a lovely time.

I just hung out with Jordan and Tracy tonight. I'm also determined to make friends with this boy I always see. He seems very conveniently placed with his constant presence and all. It's a sign that we should be friends or at least communicate.

A person I used to be friends with in high school came to my work. I said hello. I guess you could say we had a falling out. People I used to know. Sometimes in those situations I realize that at this point, we're all complete strangers. It's like these people are completely new. There are some people who I think, if we had met now, we'd hate eachother right away. Some though, I think we'd have been friends for the rest of our lives if we'd met in college. Funny how the world works, isn't it? The timing and balance of it all.

On to the bad I guess.

My grandmother is dying. In January, when my grandfather died, I cried when they told me he was ill but had some hope about it and didn't lose it too much until he actually died. When they told me today, I was calm for about ten seconds and then just sort of sat on the kitchen floor and cried. I dunno, I guess I always assumed it was that feeling when you get punched in the stomach, but it's not at all. It's like your body just decided to cave in on itself. Something in you just knows you've had enough and just...falls. Admittedly, I'm terrible at losing people in any form. I'll probably be sort of quiet for a bit, a little isolated or a little bit of forced laughter. It's just I have issues with people seeing me vulnerable, and there's something about losing important people that makes you walk around sort of broken for a while.

Sometimes I think this year has just been too big.

current mood: anxious
current music: "american car" mike doughty

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Saturday, August 7th, 2004
2:03 am
Being Local seems like a pain in the ass. It also seems like you'd never be able to move away.

I've decided I need to make a new friend. I might bring one back up to the front list, in fact, I know who will regain their importance in the fall. Fuck, that sounds like shit. They never lost their importance, no one does, it's that I occasionally confuse presence with importance. I know who will be present in the fall again but I want someone now. Just someone to hear some new ideas from. I don't want to argue, I just want to listen and maybe ask some questions.

My mother says I've collected enough friends. She says I lost some good ones, but for the most part, the people I have now are just right. That's a lovely thing for her to say. Then again, I'm pretty much inawe of my mother. Both my parents actually, they're just really good people who have never been too good to make mistakes. I like that about them, they seem very real to me.

We have determined that we are all definitely too old to have a childhood sweetheart.

Everyone seemed a little shocked that I narrowed down my list of grad schools to 5, but come on, there's only so many places you can go for Latin American Studies. Did you know you can go to BYU? Yeah, totally.

I wore lilac today. Who does that?

Yesterday I wore a collared shirt and Maria asked if I was going to prom. Bitch. No, she's not a bitch. She's just oficially as evil as I am.

I've decided to work on being a better person. I'm not sure how one goes about that anymore, maybe more community service and more free beer? I'm kidding. Yes though, once again, I decide I need to up the goodness and down the badness. I haven't even been particularly bad lately, I just feel I need to shoot for something really big.

I'm ADD like crazy, son..

current mood: pensive

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1:56 am
I totally wish I was Lindsay Lohan. Am I even spelling that right?

funny things today, all too big.

City yesterday, hung out with members of my posse. My job situation is...dangerous.

I'm in love with most of it, but not all of it.

I decided on where I want to go to graduate school.

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
10:09 pm
I got a new cell phone and a new number. 382-0029.

If you don't know the area code...well...it's not the chicago one.

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Monday, August 2nd, 2004
12:40 am - Bears are funny
Poor neglected Blurty.

So last Sunday I was in the city to see Dick Prall at uncommon ground. It was awesome. I had SO many more comments on the whole thing and I hope to get to them soon. Barnes and Noble eats a little bit more of my life evryday though. I weep for a million tomorrows.

I work everyday except one this week. Remind me to bitch about it now and rejoice about the cash later.

today I went into the city to interview at the barnes and noble I want to transfer to. It's a nice place but I think I have to complicate shit by not being able to work mornings and them demanding mornings. fuck it, I have a degree to get.

The big news of the day was David Garza. Mari has loved him forever, and I have often heard him in the background of our conversations, but he actually is sort of amazing. I've been listening to his collection "A Strange mess of flowers" all day.

So we went to Borders to watch him play at 2. He was funny and great and frighteningly skinny, but not in a scary way, in a "that's sort of hot because all those bones are behind that guitar". Actually, what I really loved was the fact that when he played, you could tell he didn't give a damn if we listened or not, because he would have just kept on playing without us. That's a nice thing to see.

You know, when you look through the old papers, old notes and old notebooks...you realize some people were far more beautiful than you ever gave them credit for. I've been really involved in my thoughts lately, you could even say pensive. Sort of withdrawn, I remain freakishly social, but lost in my thoughts and sitting around my room contemplating what may or may not be a lot. Listening to good music comes of it though. One might even say I've been pensive lately. Ready to go home, to my apartment and to my friends and to a level of relaxation I haven't had in a while.

I made a new friend. No lies this time. They know what they've gotten themselves into. Hello self-esteem.

Stop reading this and just call me or IM me. AIM: UrbanBohemia925 these days. It sounds like you need a friend and I'm not a great one, but I'll try harder than anyone else. No hard feelings about it all, we didn't know what to do then and we don't even know eachother now, do we? After all these years, we should introduce ourselves.

I got my toll paid for by the car in front of me today. On the way in and out of the city. This face is worth 40 cents and that's more than enough. Life is good and it's hard sometimes and today on the drive home, I realized it's pretty fucking beautiful too. I don't care what you say.

B&N tomorrow, working the pm.

current mood: tired
current music: "One drop" David Garza

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Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
2:59 pm - I'm Getting Old and I need Something to Rely On
let's give it the rundown, shall we?

Saturday: Worked 8 hours followed by Target and Dan's with Laura. Not a bad time. I was Captain Sobriety.

Sunday: Worked another 8 hours. My brother came home from Europe with gifts and funny stories. Went out With Tracy, Kelly, Bill and Josh. Good times but damn, that's some weird stuff.

Monday: Went to Chicago to get Mari. Went to IKEA to purchase things. Went to Bill's show. Mari and I met up with Tracy, Spencer, Kelly and Lauren. Listened and conversed. Bill's band was good, nuff said. Jason, Steve and Johnny C were there. Trace, Mari and I fox gardened with them. Interestingly unique times.

Tuesday: Lunch with mari, jordan and canto. All was well and all lovely people to see. drove back to the city. unloaded mari's purchases, said hello to sheena and claire because they're great. briefly spoke to john and wrick, they are also of the great persuasion. Came home and went out with Laura and then we went and picked up tracy for a trip to meijer's. Funniest doll ever was found. I'll post the picture at some point, but if you know me, you probably got sent the picture on your phone.

what's left? Nothing. There's more details but several days of good times. Mari's 20 not, she turned so on Sunday. Alejandro is 20 tomorrow. Something about the Chicago Kids, The Chids, they sure love being born in july...

Contemplating transferring schools to some place cheaper. I dunno where I'd go though and I like depaul enough so that I will find something wrong with every school suggested. Bah. Money sucks unless I have it.

If vodka-fest doesn't go down sunday, extreme drunkenness will.

current mood: guilty
current music: foot steps

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Sunday, July 18th, 2004
3:09 am
Nobody worry.
It's all under control.
Everyone go to Bill's show on monday.

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
2:50 am - And Make it Beautiful To Live.
My father lost his job. I think we're moving. I'm scared and worried and my parents remain calm. I feel like my life was just starting to settle into what it's supposed to be, and now this. It's no big deal really, I'll be more optimistic in the morning. Right now it's just all a little big. I blurt it out to the people who need to know, worried a bit and then shrugged it off with bad jokes. Did I spend the afternoon crying? yes. Was it a silly thing to do? yes. Did it help? yes. The next few weeks may or may not change everything but I've reassured myself that at any point in your life this statement can be made.

I wanted to email the king of all my ex-friends last night. Just to say "Hope you're good". I then thought of how terrible the aftermath of such a thing would be and I didn't do it. That and I lacked the essential email address.

I'm disturbingly cynical right now. As of right now, I'm positive I'll have to transfer schools, my parents will move, my father will never find a job and I'll die alone. Though in the name of going out in a blaze of glory, I shall still spontaneously combust while holding a bag of fireworks. One must not die a boring death to die alone. Blaze, or dynamite display, of glory.

I'm pulling zero across the boards, son.
But I've got friends and family and though I don't look it, they're helping a hell of a lot today...though my dad did tell me to get a boyfriend. That was appalling. It ranked up there with my mom's "don't be a slut...but show some cleavage!"

Don't worry, folks. I'm worried because it's what I do. Everything will work out though. I just need to vent a bit and overanalyze, by tomorrow afternoon I'll realize that analytical thoughts are hard, then I'll stop. Maybe I should develop some sort of addiction. An illegal one even. No, that's a terrible idea. It would help me focus on something though...meh, tracy gave me some random "christmas in july" crafts that I can focus on. Or I'll color. Or I'll write. Don't worry, not here.

A, the letter is coming.
C, I miss you a lot lately.
M, I'm proud of you.

I'm suddenly very lonely. Getting stuck in a thought pattern will do that to a person though. In general though, I feel sort of alone. This will last 24 hours or until I get distracted...and I think I see something shiny.

This time I'm alright, son.

current mood: cynical
current music: "Come On" The Verve

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Monday, July 12th, 2004
12:47 am - You do or you don't or you will or you won't
Went to the city. Alejandro and I picked up Mari at the train station, her triumphant return from Texas was extremely triumphant. We went to Barberry for dinner with the others. Ponce came over to see my place and bond with us.

Kathleen and Etta and I spent saturday at the metro and then drinking at my place. Good times.

I saw Lisa and Maria. I miss them. The ferrets were in town. Daniel and George were also there. Yes, I met Lisa's George. For her sake, I hope he's everything she says he is. I didn't really get to speak to him for long. It was also 4:30 am.

There's something beautiful about the city and it's twice as good when you feel needed and loved there.

current mood: awake
current music: "june" pete yorn

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Saturday, July 10th, 2004
3:47 am - Right back where we started from.
So I didn't really do anything tonight. I wandered around Borders and I went to coffee with Jordan, Tracy and Spencer. Spencer paid. That bastard. Not really, terribly nice thing to do and I will attempt to pay next time we go out. Totally.

I went to dinner with the parents and their best friend from law school and her husband. It was amazing. Oh God. The Laughs.

Weekend of Chicago what not.

OH! saw Paul B. Love that kid. Good people. Ah, High School memories...like I don't have enough of those I run into, eh son?

current mood: excited
current music: "good in everyone" Sloan

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Friday, July 9th, 2004
1:11 am - Apparently I am this.
ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.
Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test


That web page explains my personality type. Is it twilight zone accurate or bogus?

current mood: amused
current music: "we dance" pavement

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Thursday, July 8th, 2004
3:27 am - I Can Tell You The Constellations, Lay Down Here and We'll Count Them All
Funny thing about missing Jules is that he called today. He told me many scandalous things about Italy and Greece and says he's purchased a lot of soccer jerseys. I laughed at his stories, the kinds that are huge at 13 but not so bad at 19. Those are the best ones he tells.

I visited Kathleen at work today. This guy was there who I see everywhere and it turns out he's the ex-boyfriend of my ex-friend's girlfriend. Tricky shit, right? Either way, I see him everywhere so it's someone I can see and say things like "hey!" and never go past that level.

Talked to Matt today. I've demanded we go back to being friends in the fall. We didn't have a falling out, just a change of situation. Namely my not being around. I'm just not very good at having acquaintances, somewhere along the way I picked up the you're-either-in-or-out mentality. I've been out for everyone for a while. Back to the city I go though, thank god. I'm trying to get my transfer for work as soon as possible.

My hippie hero is coming tomorrow. Nice.

So I voiced a lot of my fears today. It was interesting, the flat out declaration. They're all fairly stupid but that's the way i enjoy my concerns. I'm pretty comfortable with my scene actually, one thing is bugging me but it's nothing I can't handle.

He told me today that I don't understand the power I have over people and he says it's not a negative sort of power. I'm not stupid, but I am pretty oblivious. He feeds me all the best compliments, the kind I automatically suspect are lies and shrug off, but secretly hold on to with as much as possible. He's sweet but that's it.

All of it, son. It's all there.

current mood: annoyed

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Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
12:15 pm - With your face so sad I long to make you mine
You know what's great? Emo boys. Those bastards a great. Sure, everyone says they'll cry on you. You'd look like you were in that much pain if you were so achingly cool though. The pain of being so cool must be...really painful. I got nothin.

So the past few weeks I've been experimenting in "looking nice". I've worn GAP clothes and smiled big with glossy lips. It's alright and sort of amusing. The reality of it all is that I'll wear GAP clothes and then a resale shirt sneaks in (the holland one, always holland!). So much for living out my mom's dream of a fashionably put-together daughter. Besides, she enjoys the fact that I don't cost her that much money with my 75 cent shirts and dollar purses. That, and she acknowledges my bizarre clothing aids in the fact that I am a hoot.

My cousin is visiting. She's 8 and wonderful. It's a good excuse for me to sit on the carpet and play and read books with her. Worried about my other cousin.

My mother told me that my oldest cousin, he's 21 right now, well apparently he wants me to visit him at his school. UC Santa Barbara. Apparently they have the best Chicano studies program in the nation and he wants me to come see it. My whole extended family is sort of protective about me, possibly even over-protective. I shall want beer. He may tell me I'm underage. Which I will be. Until 2005. Oh God. Actually, I think this is his way of securing himself a place to stay in Chicago. As always, I do not care who stays with me but family gets an automatic.

I miss my brother. Fucking Europe. I wouldn't miss him if I was the one in Europe though. Hey, everyone needs their experience, right?

current mood: geeky

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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
3:23 pm - Who's the big winner?
"when did the music you like get so boring?"
"what do you mean?"
"you know, lou and the VU, mike, pixies and jump. Are you trying to put yourself into a coma?"
"what should I listen to?"

My mother says that music should bring out the strongest in people and this is why I should avoid those who listen to "angry" music. My mother is funny. And little.

"From now on, I'm only fucking around with boys who mean something to me"
"oh yeah?"
"I figure they can mean something after like an hour"

Oh the psychosis that comes from being "closed".

Back to the Cleaning, yo!

current mood: amused

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12:15 pm - we'll Count Them All
My family comes home tonight. There was no debauchery (at least not here...) but there were good times and big issues dealt with and a whole lot of book selling. This weekend endeavor got my full support and this coming weekend also gets some.

The goodness of this weekend shall include:
*Time at the Metro*
*Etta grabbing some unsuspecting man's ass (most likely several men actually)*
*My apartment*
*A Special Appearance by MAISY aka JILL*
and last but not least...
*The triumphant return of Mari!*

I don't know if I'll actually see Mari, but her returning triumphantly is enough. People disappear into Texas and never come back. It's true. I saw it on Unsolved Mysteries.

Gotta clean. My parents should be here around 7 with two of my cousins. It's going to be tight like night.

current mood: confused
current music: "Rocket Boy" Liz Phair

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Monday, July 5th, 2004
2:15 am - I'm so joyful I have found you, All I need is for you to see me now
Apparently, according to an online quiz, my fears lead me to play my part with an urgent and hectic intensity.
It also says I'm sensitive and sentimental but only to my closest friends.
The second part used to be true. Then I realized I was lying to people, promising I was free of the messy emotions that complicate things. I like my complications these days and my friends, even the ones that aren't that close, like that I display them. Bitchin'.

Went out with Lauren and Ashley last night. Junior High Reunion? It's different but the same. I like that.

This week I've seen Stepford Wives, Fahrenheit 9/11 and The Notebook. I've enjoyed them all because I have no taste. Very good.

Annie N. if you read this, I'm an ass for not returning your calls. I keep forgetting to take my phone out with me though, trust me, it's caused a lot of problems. God I love the phone.

Very worried about YJ. I've known her so long it's like a motherly concern. Bah, I feel old.

Someone loves me and he won't much longer. I have to tell him.

A says she's never had a really good male friend. I've had a a lot, everyone knows this. She points out I never keep them and then we talk about how I'm a man-eater in the most innocent way. It's not so innocent though, is it? It's hurtful but not sexual, it'd be less painful if it was sexual I think. Maybe I use guys up until I don't need them anymore. No, that's not it, it's never intended that way, things happen and people change is all. I have some great guys who are still around and I love them. The problem with the past friends, not just the males, was that they became close to me and I would start revealing parts of me they never imagined I had or things got too intense which is by no means their fault. I dunno, there's a lot going on in my head...constantly. I need to slow down and focus. I should start meditating again.

Enough of this rant.

you're the world and you barely know so, son.

current mood: accomplished
current music: Madeline and Nine- Doughty

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Sunday, July 4th, 2004
10:12 am - With your forces combined, I am Captain Shower.
It's the 4th of July.
I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 last night.
I like when people leave saying "wow, this has certainly changed the way I'll be voting" or similarly stupid statements.

What would the world have done without Michael Moore?

I like to say film. Film is the word that gives people hope that it won't just be a lame ass movie, even if it is a lame ass movie, if you call it a film it's not so wasted. I got asked if I say film so my "art fag friends" won't make fun of me. I don't think I've ever had a friend who fit those qualifications.

Working on the 4th. Who wants books?

current mood: awake
current music: "Come on" Ben Jelen

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