| SENTI'S SADNESS |
[23 Jun 2006|08:44pm] |
Staying up late, thinking about the 'plan', I realized that I could not do it, It's not that I'm giving up nor is it that I don't love her anymore, It's just that I don't want to do the same mistake I had done some time ago.
I remember it all so clear; it was all perfect until I had took our friendship for granted. I had lost it all. I had chased her away. I don't know if it was reality or was it just me being so paranoid that I think that she was trying to avoid me after the 'thing' had happened. Being a hopeless martyr in-love, I couldn't stand seeing her trying hard to avoid me. To help her in relieving this burden, I stayed away from her even thou I wanted so much to hold her near.
To worsen things up, I kept pretending that things never change. I could never accept the fact that she was gone and I was the one who had chased her away. I tried so hard to hide this fact for I know hard the truth hurts. No one can say that I hadn't tried to fight for her, I had given it all, I had given my best but I was fighting a losing battle. I never wanted to accept the fact that I lost her but it really tears me apart to know that I was the one who had cause myself all this pain.
How I wish to bring things back to the way they used to be. I'm just hoping… hoping against faith and reality. I'm starting to think that this is really how things should be… us being just friends.
The 'plan' was just perfect… too perfect. The only problem is that it is not the way I really wanted it to be. This might sound crazy that I'm giving up this one of a kind opportunity for three reasons: First, I made a vow that I wouldn't make the same mistake of taking our friendship for granted; Second, I don't want to received her love for what I shall do, I wanted to received her love for whom I am; Third, the last reason is that I loved her so much that … I don't want to lose her again.
In life things could happen so fast that my love, my hope, and my everything was lost in a blink of an eye. Everything had happened so fast, I had lost her with one line. Things had changed and everything was all gone. I’m so foolish that I had blown up the friendship she gave me, the friendship that I had cherished so much. Why did I ask her if we could be more than friends? How could I have thought that I have nothing more to lose? Now, I have lost my heart, my love, our friendship, and most of all, I have lost her. Why wasn’t I satisfied on what we had? She was always there for me, she supports me, encourages me, and cared for me. She had shown out the best of me, the real me. She was everything for me and I chased her away. Now I’m back . . . all alone, feeling sorry for myself, pretending that things will work out when they are falling apart. I had blown out the best thing that ever happened to me. Now, I’m back to where I had begun . . . all alone.
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