When I shall happen to perish, I do not want to be embalmed, and I do not want an open casket! (nor do I wish to be cremated)
I suppose it's my fault for initiating an observation from a person that isn't detail oriented. What did I expect, really?
I can never quite figure out whether life is a gift, or a curse, I'm always wavering on the issue.
I'm not an asshole, I just have a lot of baggage and deep-seated torment that I battle on a daily basis. It is not my intention to hurt those closest to me, and yet, I find myself doing so at times, as if to sabotage any close bond.
I'm going to stop taking Saw Palmetto, which I've been doing daily since June '07, 1500 mg to be exact. I'm a little nervous in doing so, but the only reason I've been taking it is out of fear. It is a DHT inhibitor and was my original battle plan to combat hair loss, and for a bit, call it a "placebo effect", I thought it was working but soon it was evident that it wasn't. I continued to take it regardless out of fear that perhaps it was at least slowing my hair loss and if I'd discontinue use, the hair that it maintained would fall.
As of March 2010, I've been on a holistic regimen which has proven effective and my success is ongoing. To me it would seem that I could stop taking the "Procerin", seeing as not only did it not regrow hair, but it didn't even stop hair loss and the success only started with my current treatment. However, I wonder if the DHT inhibition is conducive to more ideal growing conditions, and perhaps that's why I've had such great results?
I don't know, I just want to see how my body reacts to no longer taking high doses of Saw Palmetto, seeing as I'm not a 60 year old Prostate patient, and not to mention it'd save me several hundred dollars a year. The thing is, I need to be extra vigilant, because if the inflammation returns, or I begin shedding again, I need to get back on it immediately. Hopefully I'm done taking it though!
Ok, so say I was a really good cook and got involved with a woman who didn't care for cooking and wasn't good at it in the first place, would it be reasonable for me to expect her to cook anyways, despite all of this?.....with that said, If a woman is confident and open with her feelings, yet has her sights set on a guy whom she knows is shy, is it reasonable of her to sit back and wait for him to make the first move? I mean, seriously, how are these 2 scenarios any different? Yet a woman being expected to cook is considered oppression in these times of empowerment, and yet a man being expected to court the woman is simply "tradition" and a man's "duty".
These women need to cut the fairytale princess fantasies, that only worked when women were oppressed and expected to stay home and cook and clean and obey their husbands simply due to their gender. Now, with women holding careers and power, it is a bit hypocritical of them to expect men to court them! It's bullshit, it shouldn't be able to work both ways like that!
I think that this is one of my stronger songs, but I'm really struggling to create a drum beat for it. My main intention is always to serve the song, so I like to keep things simple, but I just can't find anything that works for this one.
Words fall short in describing just how amazing it feels to be driving the Fiero again, and I couldn't have possibly gotten it back at a better time, right in the middle of summer! I get comments and questions at gas stations, and just driving down the street I hear comments "Hey look, it's a Fiero, nice!". Sure, there will be haters, but what can you do?
The Fiero is far more rare a sight now than it was when I drove it regularly from 2001-2006, so it's that much more special, it's viewed as a classic now, and a bit of an anomaly which draws intrigue.
Also, slowly but surely I've proactively been working out all of the little bugs that I used to neglect back in the day, so even though the paint has faded somewhat, especially the hood and front end, I think it's running better than it ever did and is far more solid. I'm going to wait and see what becomes of it, but if it's still running well come winter time, I just might have it repainted and finally put on a few of the body pieces that I've been holding onto, such as side scoops, hood vent etc......all of which aren't just for aesthetics, but they're also functional.
I can recall when I was 10 years old, being a part of a soccer team that went undefeated, which at the time was something that I was quite proud of. I was in every game, and while I wasn't a key cog in the team's success, I was happy to not be bad enough to prevent the team from going undefeated, as self-depreciating as that may sound.
I remember squaring off against another undefeated team and we were the underdogs, and we prevailed in the end, but in the final game of the season we played the worst team in the league, and trailed 1-0 and barely squeaked out a 2-1 win to complete the perfect season.
I don't know why I'm writing about this, its just a memory that came to mind.
Twenty-Freakin'-Nine!........and thus concludes my twenties. Oh well, better live it up before it's over for good.
We are not humans having a spiritual experience, but rather spirits having a human experience.
There may be a few people who got enjoyment out of my failures of the past, but I can proudly proclaim that this is the best I've felt in 5 years or so, physically, mentally, and spiritually, and even though I feel as if I've reached the apex, I am continuing to improve. Sorry to disappoint my detractors, I know that my gradual deterioration provided enjoyment and allowed you to garnish your fragile egos, but with that said, it only served as fuel to motivate me further, because my pride won't allow for me to wither away, and become fodder for ridicule.
I'm feeling and looking better by the day! Now, with my treatments, we're going to focus on my weight issues, if I could gain 20 to 30 pounds, that would just send me over the top. That's all I really want to gain, maybe 25 pounds. I'm an ectomorph and anything more would be too much for my build and bone structure.
Just know that while I was down, I was never out, and my efforts are the sole reason for my improvements, and I am emerging from this more powerful and head strong than I've ever been.
Some people have a 10" dick, a car that can reach speeds of 180 mph on state roads, and an IQ of 180........just let them say what they're going to say and nod your head, and be sure it's not too visible when you roll your eyes.
Once things sour, everything goes to hell, but conversely, when you reverse the root cause, everything replenishes. That's where I'm at right now, everything is coming together at once and it's almost too much, I mean, this elation......surely it can't last, but the inner peace within is something that can. I haven't felt this good since Spring into summer of 2005, that's 6 years ago, which was just before things slowly began deteriorating.
I'm no longer battling, and for awhile I had entered a maintenance phase, but I've now reached a plain of existence to where I feel compelled to start living again, and it's the most amazing sensation ever! This is what I've worked so hard to achieve when I was in the doldrums, battling away with no guarantee of success. When I pictured my desired results, this is what I pictured, but for all I knew at the time, it could've been an unattainable fantasy and nothing more, but yet I continued to plug away. I refused to compromise my ideals and standard of living, and to just accept feeling like shit and make the most of it. I took a lot of criticism for it, but I was determined. I'm as stubborn as they come, and never more motivated than when told that I can't do something, even when Science is cited as the definitive reason! If I was to go down, at least I'd do so while fighting!
As great as I feel, and as naturally as things are returning to me, I want to return to that level that I was at 6 years ago, which will take a bit of conditioning, but I'm ready!
Looking Great, Feeling even Better! Vitality restored, it's great to be alive again!
I take back all of what was said over the years, which was purely out of spite.
I'm not so shallow as to get by on flattery, and then resort to my true feelings when someone falls out of favor. It's quite the opposite, my true feelings are evident when I befriend someone, and when it dissolves, I resort to spiteful words of anger and resentment. I guess it's time to grow up and move on, life is too short to dwell.
If I am going to be held accountable for my own actions, as every man should, then I'd at least like to feel as though I am in control of them......which is why I've decided to quit drinking liquor.
I ended up unloading on a friend of mine, and I feel bad for it, even if it was warranted.
I have a tendency of holding things in, because as much as people can irritate me, I still aim to please and sometimes just shrug things off and give people the benefit of the doubt. I am passive-aggressive by nature, but when I'm backed into a corner, and my anguish culminates, I've been known to explode, and when that happens, it's like a volcano. Once those emotions finally start pouring out, they all come out!
I went to the fire company around 4 pm where I am a member to meet a friend of mine. The plan was to have a few beers and then head back to my house to jam and record a few songs that we worked on together. This was basically my final opportunity for a long time to do so because in addition to our conflicting work schedules, he's moving to Philly to be with his finance. Everything was fine, I had half of a beer left and was getting ready to finish it so that we could head back to my house. That's when I saw HIM....enter the bar.
Another friend of mine showed up unannounced and uninvited to a bar that he is not a member of. He was able to get in when another member opened the door for him, and he made his way over to where I was sitting. There he was, piss-ass drunk, looking like a fucking bum, a jar filled with change in one hand and a mixed drink in a Mountain Dew bottle in the other, with a bottle of bottom-shelf vodka concealed in his pants. He starts rambling on like he always does when he's drunk, repeating himself constantly, spouting off expletives such as "nigger" etc.....When I sign him in and ask for his address so that I can write it down, he audibly proclaims that he's on probation so I should either use mine, or make one up!
Then, to make matters worse, He says "Trout's gonna call in half an hour, he wants to chill" ("Trout" being the last name of a friend of his who shares the same first name as me).....ahh, how nice of him to not only include himself in my plans, but to also re-adjust them to his liking. I quickly state that I don't plan on getting drunk because I don't like to drink too much on Sundays, and that I have plans with my friend to record. He says "Well me and Trout can just drink in your room while you do that"
Now, through my intuition, I could already sense that the notion would make my friend uneasy, recording with a bunch of drunks in the other room, probably talking shit about the songs and his vocal style etc...., So I knew that no matter what he said or agreed to, he wouldn't show up or answer the phone, so in other words........my plans were fucked!
When he disappears to the bathroom, I try to talk some sense into my friend, but him being the stubborn Scorpio that he is, he has to have his way and even when you tell him no, he just continues on. When my other friend comes out, he takes it upon himself to lay out the game plan "We're going to go pick up my friend, it'll only be 5 minutes, meet us at Jesus's house". He agrees to it, but I knew better as I said earlier.
I should also add that these 2 people barely know each other and my friend (the one I'm pissed at) always referred to my other friend as a "fag" whenever I'd bring his name up, because of his sense of humor and whatever else, but on this day he knew that he had to be respectful if he wanted his way.
As I'm headed over to pick up "Trout", I again try to reason with him..."Can't you just stay at his house until I'm done recording, and then I can call you later?", he of course wouldn't hear it any other way than his own, so I relented and brought them back to my house, but told them that they had to go drink in the woods behind my house while we recorded, even though I knew he wouldn't show. He of course didn't show, and ignored my 3 phone calls, so at this point I was just disgusted by the whole situation.
I proceeded to eat my dinner while they drank, each with their own bottle of vodka, and I could barely get a bite in before it began........."Yo, such and such a bar is having beer pong tonight, we should go?" "When does it start?" "Right NOW! Hurry up and eat Jesus!" Ok, so when I said that I didn't want to drink, this is exactly the type of thing that I was trying to avoid. He then asked where my friend was and I contentiously replied "He didn't want to come".........."Why?" ..........."Because you're here and he doesn't want to record with you all here". That's when it started again: "What a fag, what a fuckin' tool"
Anyhow, We ended up going to the bar, there was no beer pong as we were the only one's there so we drank a pitcher, then they wanted to head to another bar that was 20 mins away, I reluctantly gave in and took them there. We went through a couple of pitchers and played darts. At this point I had had enough, I just wanted to go home, watch the rest of the Yankees and Red Sox game, take my shower, do my grocery shopping, and then retire to bed. But nope, I then heard "Let's go to the Bowl-Grille" which was repeated about 10 times because that's what he does when he's drunk. At that point I had enough, started shaking my head, walked off muttering to myself. Apparently, he ended up pissing his friend off too because next thing I know "Trout" is telling me that he's going to knock him the fuck out, and says "Let's Go". Well my friend says "Don't go Jesus, don't go out there, he's going to try to knock me out". At this point I didn't care, I wanted to leave and my patience was wearing thin so I said "Fuck that, I didn't sign up for this bullshit" and I walked out while cursing to myself.
We got in the car, his friend is laying into him, and then tells me "While you were watching the game he was telling me that you're a bitch and a nigger for getting pissed off" (this is no surprise, he says that about everyone). I tried to say something over the shouting match and that's when my friend interrupted me, got pissed off and punched my dash board. That was IT! All of the anger and convictions that I held onto out of courtesy exploded out of me. I started screaming at the top of my lungs, and it ALL came out!
"NO YOU LISTEN YOU MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M A "BITCH"? YOU KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO DO TODAY? I WANTED TO GO TO REIFFTON AND HAVE A FEW BEERS WITH MY FRIEND WHO IS MOVING TO PHILLY NEXT WEEK, COME HOME AND RECORD A FEW SONGS WITH HIM THAT I HELPED WRITE, WATCH THE GAME AND GO TO BED! I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT! I TOLD YOU THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO DRINK TODAY BUT YOU HAD TO IMPLEMENT YOURSELF INTO MY PLANS AND THEN SABOTAGE THEM! NOW MY PLANS ARE RUINED, HERE I AM DRINKING WHEN I HAVE TO WORK THE NEXT DAY, BLOWING MY FUCKING MONEY, CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL OF THIS DRAMA, BUT I'M A BITCH AND A FUCKING NIGGER?! YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT" and then I punched the steering wheel a few times and the car turned silent the entire way back.
That's what happens when you push me too far! You want to know what I'm thinking when I give subtle hints of disatisfaction through passive-aggressive behavior? Well, keep pushing and eventually you'll hear it directly, exactly what I'm thinking, in vivid detail!
I should note that this friend of mine has had one job that lasted 2 weeks in the 8 years that I've known him, so it's not as though he has any responsibilities, or any kind of routine to worry about. To him it's just about getting drunk all day every day. I can't get him to leave half of the time because his parents won't let him drink at home, so we'll be leaving a party at 6 fuckin AM because he doesn't want to leave, and then he tells me to take him to my house so that he can finish his beer (Which is usually a lot). When I tell him that I want to go to bed, he keeps arguing until finally I guess he can hear it in my voice that I'm angry, which is when he finally says "I'm sorry Jesus, just take me home, don't get mad"
I don't think that very many people are aware of how difficult it is to be as severely underweight as I am, and to attract women.
Even when I was at my best, I had to compensate for this because of the continuous comments "Oh my god, you're so skinny" and all of that.......I had the charm and confidence back then to garner their attraction in spite of that and the long hair which was the other issue, but even then, it was such a challenge.
Life is a constant battle for me, nothing flows easily, I have to get what I want by battling and punching back (figuratively speaking) until it relents and just gives me what I want, contentiously.
I guess the question to ask myself is - Why waste time and energy pandering to a fickle creature who is more concerned about how confident I'm coming across than the substance of my character?
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