Somewhat Damaged's Journal

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


I have realized that I am still very much damaged.

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Sunday, October 21, 2012


Time to stop saying, and start doing.

I have finally adopted an exercise regimen for the first time in my life.

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Tuesday, October 9, 2012


So here I am, 30 years of age, having weathered the storm, coming out mostly in tact and in pretty decent condition.

However, I still don't have an ounce of fat on my frame, despite eating between 2,000 - 4,000 calories per day, and that is in sheer portions because I eat pretty healthy, but A LOT! Unfortunately, it seems that I have found where the fat is going, it is starting to appear under my chin, although only really noticeable when I look down.

So, there it is, I've been saying it for years but now I have found the motivation to get off my ass and start exercising and getting into shape. I will not be a 130 lb 6 ft 30 year old male with a double chin!

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Wednesday, September 12, 2012


I know how this is going to come across........but, is this a scab? Or is it melanoma?

Smack dab in the center of my chest, I had 3 little black spots that appeared to have a tiny hole in the center of each. They've been there for about a year or so, I couldn't tell if they were enlarged blackheads, or what but they were symmetrical so I cautiously disregarded them. About 2 months ago I had a large pimple grow in that very spot. The pimple hung around for awhile and eventually bled and scabbed up. At some point, the scab came off leaving a visible wound that was very raw. Within a day or so, a dark purple growth took form that is somewhat symmetrical, but I can't determine whether it is simply a scab, or something more substantial. It would make sense that it is a scab, but it has overstayed its welcome, as it has been a few weeks now.

Keep in mind, I am fair skinned and 5 years ago sustained a very severe, full body 2nd degree sunburn with peeling, scaling, and swelling.

I know that I should consult a professional seeing as I am concerned, but by this point, if it is something malignant, it is more than likely already too late. I guess I'm just hoping that it turns out to be a scab and goes away so that I can get on with my life.

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Saturday, August 25, 2012


When my Grandmother passed away back in early March, I can recall saying that it was a blessing due to her 8 long years of suffering, but also that I was worried about my Grandfather who was married to her for over 60 years. My Grandmother was his life, and he spent the past 8 years sacrificing everything for caring for her around the clock so that she could still maintain some level of quality in her life despite her condition.

Well, sadly, I came home to the news that he passed away unexpectedly. It didn't feel real at first, but the heaviness has since sunken in.

I am both proud of him, and happy for him that he made the best of the 5 and a half heavy hearted months that he spent in her absence. He sought grief counseling, and took up golfing once again. It's just nice to know that he didn't spend that time holed up in his house whilst dying slowly of a broken heart.

Just over a month ago, we had him over for my birthday and it ended up being a really nice day, which we mutually felt. The day almost felt a little too special, there was just something surreal about it and I can recall a moment where I looked over at him as he was sitting on my sofa while we watched a ball game, and I suddenly felt detached from reality. I didn't give much thought to it and disregarded it, but it just seems so much more profound since it turns out that was the last time I'll ever see him alive. I am very thankful for that special day, and will forever cherish it in my heart.

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Tuesday, July 31, 2012


In the wake of a multitude of recent deaths, one can't help but contemplate his own mortality.

But on a less substantial level, it has me thinking that in the event of my untimely demise, I in no way wish to be layed out for observation in some creepy funeral parlor, nor do I want to be "prepared" in any way. The whole notion creeps me out, and I have never been comfortable with viewing other's in such a state.

I just want to be buried and that's it, if a service is necessary for the survivors, then so be it, but it must be limited to the confines of a church, with a closed casket. I know that certain mourners have this creepy fascination with viewing the deceased, but I don't want to be viewed in such a state.

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Friday, June 29, 2012


For those who cast their judgment, consider this: Yes, I'm turning 30 in less than a month and still live at home with my Mother.


I am the one with the job and the one paying the bills, so while she helped me out over a 2 and a half year span when times were tough, I'm sticking around to return the favor until she gets situated financially.

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Thursday, June 14, 2012


I've put on 7 pounds in the past 2 weeks for what it's worth. It is the most that I've weighed in 5 years, back when I still ate a lot of processed foods.

Of course, the second that my enormous appetite begins to wane, the 7 pounds will be gone in a matter of days.

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Saturday, June 2, 2012


If you should happen to fall for an asshole, surely, you will be shit on.

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Wednesday, May 9, 2012


I would like to know what it would feel like to be loved and accepted for who I am, underweight, long hair, quirks, eccentricities, quietness and all.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012


Well, this car has finally managed to make a mechanic out of me.

I have always been adept at tearing the interior apart and restoring various items such as trim, upholstery etc.... but I've always been too afraid to work on the engine because I lack the fundamental understanding of how an engine works.

Well, since getting the car back on the road this past June, it has just been one thing after another, and I've gotten tired of the $300 repair bills. I've decided to purchase the correct tools as needed, do the research, and just dive in and it has paid off.

It began last July when I only had the car back for a few weeks and it blew the ICM. I researched, diagnosed, and fixed the problem. Then, I did a full tune up which I had never done before.

Everything was fine for awhile when my headlight control module went. Again, I did the research, and fixed it.

This is when I started fixing all of the little things that had plagued this car for some time, such as replacing both horns because the one never worked, and the other was shot, I took the inner door panels off and greased the power window tracks that were really slow, fixed a leak in the washer fluid reservoir, and rebuilt my headlight motors along with replacing the entire passenger side assembly, both the light assembly and the headlight door assembly.

Then in November, the Radiator developed a significant leak. This was one task I didn't want to deal with, so I ended up with nearly a $400 repair bill and wasn't too pleased. When I got it back, my passenger side headlight wouldn't go up all the way. I realized that the hose that runs from the radiator to the coolant overflow tank was too long and the light was getting snagged. I had to cut it, and reclamp it. Less than a week later, my windshield kept getting fogged and the defroster was ineffective and I kept smelling coolant. I found out that the damn heater core was bad, so I bought one and replaced it myself.

Hmmm.......what next? Actually, the car ran okay for awhile before dieing on me a few weeks ago and leaving me stranded. I had it towed home and replaced the ICM, but that wasn't the problem as I had initially thought. In the process of replacing it, I broke the clip on the connector from the pickup coil, and broke the clip from the connector to the ignition coil.

First, I replaced the pickup coil, and to do this, you have to take the distributor out. I then had to disassemble it, replace the O-ring, and then the coil. I had to be careful to put it back in the same position, as indicated by markings I made both at the base of the distributor as well as where it enters the engine, and on the intake plenum to show where the rotor was pointing originally, and also where it was pointing after it spun as I took it out, which is where it'd have to be when I re-install it.

I put the re-assembled distributor back in the car, and everything was close, but now the timing was a hair off. Great! I never messed with timing before.

Anyways, the car still wouldn't start, so I figured there could only be 1 thing left, the ignition coil. I bought a new coil, had to use a dremel drill to get the mounting bracket off of the original one, and install it onto the replacement, and then install it into the car along with the heatshield, and replacement wire that I bought. Now the car started right up.

So, then I learned how to set timing on a v6 Fiero and bought a timing light. With the A and B points jumpered on the ALDL connector, the car started in neutral, and the timing light hooked up to both the battery and the number 1 spark plug wire, I tried to set the timing. There are 3 grooves on the harmonic balancer, and I painted the bigger of the 3 all of which are 120 degrees apart. This is the groove that would have to line up with 10 degrees on the timing tab, which was also painted. The timing light pulses, creating a strobe effect, so it appears as if the harmonic balancer isn't spinning, so you can continuously see the mark. At this point, after you had previously loosened the bolt that clamps the distributor down, you turn the distributor slightly until the marks line up. I just about had them lined up when the timing jumped because I loosened the distributor too much, and then the car started stumbling and died. I was unable to get it restarted, and the battery died after numerous unsuccesful attempts.

After researching, and asking around, I came to the conclusion that I must set TDC (Top Dead Center) and readjust the rotor. To do this, I had to take spark plug number 1 out, which I broke in the process. Then I had to manually turn the crank with one hand using a socket wrench, and my finger on my other hand in the cylinder hole, and I had to crank until I felt the compression, as the air nearly pushed my finger out. This was the piston rising, and at this point I continued to crank until the white line on the balancer lined up with the 10 degree mark. Then I took the dist. cap off and reset the rotor so it was pointing at plug number 1 on the tower.

This was done at night, so I had to wait until the next day to buy a new spark plug. I replaced it, jump started the car and it fired right up. Then I proceeded to set the timing with the distributor a bit tighter this time and everything went smoothly. Unfortunately, in the process my e-brake line seized up and was stuck so I had to reach other the car, and yank on the line to release it.

Yes, that was long winded and probably made zero sense, but don't worry, just one year ago I wouldn't have understood any of it either, but if I want to keep this car, I have to make the repairs myself from now on.

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Thursday, March 22, 2012


I'm the best man for a friend's wedding, and the bachelor party is this Saturday. He wants the typical male thing, to go to a strip club. I could extend my reasoning for why I dislike strip clubs into 6 paragraphs but am mentally exhausted, so I'm opting not to.

If I were to get married (yeah right), I would forgo the bachelor party, because I wouldn't want any part of it.

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Saturday, March 17, 2012


I'm never going to get out of this house. Now that I'm finally healthy, and financially ready, circumstances have dictated that I need to stick around to support my Mom.

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Thursday, March 15, 2012


I just overate and it's still not enough for my metabolism, my stomach is growling and gurgling, I bet I lost 2 pounds in the process of eating.

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Sunday, March 11, 2012


It was really nice to see the entire family together for the first time in a decade and a half, even if under such a sad circumstance.

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Friday, March 2, 2012


I really only have one friend that I can confide in anymore, and you are it Blurty. I suspect that there may be some stragglers who still happen upon this, but that's fine.

For the past few years I've lost count of how many times I've heard "We almost lost her" in regards to my Grandmother who has been in a steady decline since 2003. She has alzheimer's (however the hell you spell it), and the past 2 years have been really bad. She has been in and out of nursing homes to rehab, and then eventually goes home. She can't walk on her own, but she means everything to my Grandfather so he does everything within his power to provide some quality to her life.

It has been a pattern, she needs emergency surgery, somehow pulls through, then has to spend a few months in a nursing home until finally being released and sent home. She'll be home for a few months and then something else happens, and the process repeats.

Any time I see my Grandfather's name on the caller ID, I am overcome by the dread of the news that likely awaits. This past Monday was the day, there was a message that awaited me to inform me that she's in intensive care and is not going to make it. Not "might not", but "is not" and later found out that she's on a respirator and her kidneys were failing. I was very tense when coming home that night from work because of the news that likely awaited me, but alas, nothing. The same thing has been going on all week, but there has been no further news. Finally, my Grandfather called tonight to return my earlier attempt at calling him, and it turns out that she was so bad last night that they were going to pull the plug, but somehow she came out of it and is improving, even breathing on her own! This woman just refuses to go down!

I'm conflicted, I was accepting of her fate because I felt she would be in a better place where she would be free from suffering, and free to be herself again in some capacity. On the other hand, with how much she means to my Grandfather, I was hoping she'd pull through for his sake because he would likely deteriorate soon after. Also, even though it's just prolonging the inevitable, I don't look forward to funerals or the process of mourning, so for the moment, I am relieved.

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Sunday, February 26, 2012


I really dread making phone calls. I have to plan out what I want to say in advance and rehearse it because I know that I tend to freeze up, and still, when I'm greeted with "Hello", I still end up responding with "Hi, umm, you have ummmm......what does it cost to umm, get in on a Saturday?"

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Sunday, February 19, 2012


Ok, here's my "situation"

There's an ebay auction for a baseball player's hair, and the winning bid was for over $10k. The proceeds went to charity.

Now, I understand that this is capitalistic America, where people earn money and can do whatever they want with it. Also, the money went to a good cause. i understand all of that.

However, I always like to stir things up, and try to show different perspectives on things for people to consider, so I'll say something along the lines of: "Some has $10k to toss around to buy a baseball player's hair, while far too many people wish they had $10 to feed their family for the day"

My whole point is that rich people take their money for granted, pissing away thousands upon millions on disposable things. The amounts they blow, some people won't even make in a lifetime, or in lesser extents, they'll blow 6 months to a year's worth of income for other people, on something like someone else's hair. There are hard working people who wish they had a fraction of that just to provide the necessities for their loved ones. That's my whole point. Sure, it went to a great cause, but I really doubt that the buyer had that in my, the buyer just wanted his favorite player's locks.

The problem is, people take it at face value and don't think that I understand the obvious, and will condescend me. I deal with this all the time in life, bring something up to make someone contemplate the alternate possibilites, and that person will argue the obvious truths of the matter as I roll my eyes, because I already know.

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Friday, February 17, 2012


I've been an odd ball my whole life, always preferred the lesser known variations to the flagship brand, ever since I was a child.

For instance........Chocolate milk is good, Strawberry milk is better. Orange Julius is good, Strawberry Julius is better. Red Swedish Fish are good, Grape Swedish Fish are better. Strawberry Licorice is good, Chocolate Licorice is better. Peach rings are good, Watermelon rings are better. Lemonade is good, Orangeade is better. Chocolate M&M's are good, Peanut Butter M&M's are better. Red Apples are good, Yellow apples are better. Count Chocula is good, Frankenberry is better. Peanut Butter is good, Almond Butter is better. Apple Sauce is good, Pear Sauce is better. Oreos are good, Golden Oreos are better. Brownies are good, Blondies are better (slightly). Green Peppers are good, Red Peppers are better. White meat is good, Dark meat is better.

I think the only exception is that the milk chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter cups are better than the White Chocolate version although Reese's Fast Break is my favorite candy bar of all time.

What's the point to this? Well, I prefer the lesser known flavors. Sure, there's an appeal to being "odd", but I genuinely prefer the taste/flavor, and seeing as they are a bit devious from the norm, I have to search high and low for some of these things which are considered to be disgusting to those who cannot wrap their mind around something that differs from the universally accepted brand and flavor. "Blueberry Milk?! That sounds gross!" have they ever tried it? "No, and I never will" Well, guess what? It's really good, the blueberry flavor is smooth and subtle and blends with the consistency of the milk perfectly, much like Strawberry.

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Sunday, December 25, 2011


So, i have a 20 year old cousin who regularly gets into bars, and she happens to be using someone else's I.D. to do so. What is so ironic about it is that the face on that I.D. is all too familiar as it is a face from the past. And no, she doesn't know this person, she just somehow happened to end up with her I.D. or Driver's License or whatever the hell it was (can't remember) Oh, the random things that turn up!

I feel bad though, I think she should have it back as it's rightfully her's and contains personal information on it, but I guess we're not on speaking terms and haven't been for a long time, though I've been over it for quite some time now.

I don't blame my cousin because it's apparently been used by several different people and passed on to her, but it's just disrespectful to the identity of the rightful owner who's picture and information it contains.

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