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Before I left, I wrote a letter of finality. Not to cut off all ties and not to toss someone out of my life and not to just make things easier for me, in hopes that I wouldn´t think about it. Of course I think about it. Of course I wish things had been different. Of course I want to be friends. For so long, I wanted to be more. But I don´t want that anymore, and I don´t really think we can be friends. Partly because I need time to get over it all still, but more largely because he is still confused and not ready for things and needs to get over it all much more than I do. Especially if he´s going to continue to live in the past and try to work through it. But I can´t handle the back-and-forth of one day saying he´s always going to love me the most and no one else, for the rest of his life, and then another yelling at me angrily for not wanting him and him not understanding how I can´t go back to loving him. I can´t handle more letters of "I´m perfect for you, why can´t you see that, why can´t you just let me love you?" that always end in declarations of love despite my imperfections. I loved him, but it was not just (or even mostly) my imperfections that made things the way they were. And after everything, it´s funny how we always go back to the things that hurt us, even though, every time, we say it´s different, we have different idealizations about the way things will be. As much as it would be nice if everyone could get over it and move on and stop holding such ridiculously false ideas about the way things were, I find myself really not caring anymore. I know how things were, and I know how they are now. I have plenty of ideas about how things will be in the future, and there is such a great deal of irony and immaturity and loose words from ignorant lips flying around that I find both sad and amusing. But I´m going to keep my thoughts to myself because my opinion no longer matters. Despite any ideas I have about it, I honestly hope things work out in one way or another, because I don´t understand how people can stand to live in a life of drama and back-and-forth uncertainty. But here´s how it is for me, regardless of what anyone thinks: I tried, really really hard; I gave many second chances; I changed, in hopes of being the right thing and doing what was best, in different measures; I wasn´t the right thing for him ever and he wasn´t the right thing for me either; nothing should have happened the way it did, but now that it has, it is right. I am impartial to how things end up for him, honestly, although I hope he is happy with himself someday. I am happy, and it is not based on the actions of anyone else, for the first time in a long time. I am free, with myself, and what´s more, I´m free from myself and my previous restrictions. It´s ironic that the first time I don´t feel lost is when I don´t have anyone to help me find my way...perhaps that´s because I have had many who make me lose myself. I am glad for the way things are. I´m not bitter, not even a little, and it actually makes me laugh aloud at how easily things ended up for me. How lucky I am.
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