||[23 Apr 2011|01:34am]
Christina, my dear friend...
2011 was supposed to be our year. Everything was supposed to work out for both of us. The past few years had been awful, but not this year. *This* year would be different. And most importantly, you were supposed to beat this thing for good.
It's been almost three months now, and I still don't believe it. I was doing so well up until tonight. I had all but convinced myself that maybe, just maybe it was starting to get easier. But no...it's not easier at all. It never gets easier. You cry a lot, suck it up, try to move on...try to hold onto the memories and maybe you start to feel a little better. Then the most random thing thrusts you back into mourning all over again. Repeat. Maybe you do a little better each time, but the pain never truly goes away. I realize that now.
Your friendship meant everything to me, and I don't know what I'm going to do without you in my life anymore. I know -- you're not really gone...that seems to be the obligatory "feel better" phrase that's always tossed around after someone who means the world to you passes away. It's not fair...you had everything in front of you. Healthy 22 year olds aren't supposed to get cancer...and it sure as hell isn't supposed to fucking end everything four years later. It's just not fair.
I know you're not suffering anymore....and I'm thankful for that. You were always too full of life to ever be tied down by anything. I guess that's what made it so hard for me at the very end. When your dad pulled me aside not too long ago and told me that secretly he had hoped we'd "come to our senses" and figure out that we should be dating...and that he would have loved it if I could have eventually been his son-in-law, my heart sank. Never mind the fact that we were more like brother and sister than anything else -- but it's still hard to think about all the things that could have been for you. But you know...we mourners aren't supposed to dwell on the "what ifs" and "could have beens."
I miss you so much. I keep thinking that you've just been away for a long time and that any day now, you'll call me and say "I'm back! Let's grab brunch!" But that call's never coming...
It's almost 2 in the morning, and I need to get some sleep. Maybe you'll visit me in a dream again tonight -- I always look forward to that...at least there, you're not gone. I love you with all my heart, Tibi.
I love you so much...