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[08 Dec 2010|03:53am]
Travis,

I've been spending the past two months trying to deal with our break up by pretending you never existed or by trashing you every possible chance I got. I spent 2 and a half years with you. And all I can think about is how it never should have happened and I am so stupid and so naive for letting you get to me. I was on my way out of the midwest like I had always hoped and I had this one night stand with you and for once I didn't give a shit 'cause I was moving in a month so what did it matter what I did? And I told my sister after that week that even though I did like you a lot it was good I was moving because you were not the commitment type and you'd probably never fall in love with me but she told me sometimes a guy falls for just one girl and that's it for him. And there I was a month later, the morning after my birthday, stupidly telling you I loved you and believing you when you said it back. And I left Illinois with such a heavy heart because I was leaving behind the person that I believed to be the elusive "one". Then you came to visit me in Florida and I was even more miserable because I was certain I was missing out on this great opportunity. And I was miserable in Florida because I hadn't given myself the chance to let go of you and move on. So I was ridiculous and I moved back less than 2 months after being in Florida to be with you. We started dating and everything was dandy for about another 2 months until I realized you weren't passionate at all. About anything. And you had no faith in anything. And that's when I first thought I should break up with you but I had just changed my life for you because you were "the one" so I held on and things got better for a while. Maybe even for the majority of the next year until I started school 3 hours away from you. And you wouldn't even consider going to the same school as me so that should have been a huge sign to me but I was blinded by what I felt for you so I stayed with you and it got so bad that I was crying and listening to stupid Taylor Swift songs in my room almost every night because I felt so shitty from how you were treating me. And once again I thought I should break up with you but I thought maybe we just need a little time for things to get better. And then we fought all of the month off of school that we spent together. But I still clung to making things work because for once in my life I didn't have someone to move on to. Then I finally told you that I was fed up with everything and you needed to change or it was over and you said you wanted me to be with you still so things got better for a while. Maybe even the majority of spring and summer but then it went to shit like always. And I kept telling myself every time we saw each other that this would be the weekend, this would be the time I would finally break up with you. I mean, it was obvious we needed to break up when I told you everything you needed to do to keep me happy. Little things, like complimenting me or saying you loved me more often. You couldn't even do that. 2 years and you couldn't even do that for me? Still, I couldn't bring myself to do it because the aftermath of me and Derek's breakup was ridiculous and I was certain I could not handle feeling that way again. So then I decided I would just move to Georgia and since you so clearly refused to move or make any compromises I was just going to stay with you until I moved in December so I wouldn't have to worry about meeting someone else and then tell you sorry, but it's over. But the weeks wore on and I could barely stand being with you anymore. Every time we hung out I was annoyed. So I planned to stay with you through Halloween so that I could at least have a date to Halloween parties but a few weeks before I was just so frustrated with you. So I told my sister as I was driving into town that weekend that was it and I was going to break up with you this weekend. And I started off the weekend treating you like shit for a reason. And then we went to Phil's. And we got in this ridiculous fight because you thought I was flirting with Will when I was really telling him not to break up with his girlfriend. So you left me and Phil's. And the next morning you texted me and broke up with me. Via text. After 2 and a half years. Really? But then you had to pick me up and take me back home and I was sad because we had 2 and a half years and so many memories so I wondered if we were doing the right thing and you didn't answer so I guess that was answer enough for me. I got more of an answer after you posted "going out as a single man" on Facebook the DAY WE BROKE UP. Classy. I felt mostly ok though until I got back to Chicago and had time alone to really think about everything. I mean, we'd been through a lot so I was upset. I was also pissed that I had put off breaking up with you just for you to beat me to it. But then I emailed you asking if you had any of my stuff and your response was some shitty email ending with "this isn't temporary so please move on". What about me asking for my shit back says that I think the break up is temporary?? I responded with some dejected email like a retard because I was feeling sorry for myself and I apologized for shit I shouldn't have. Why would I say sorry for having guy friends? You were so insecure you had to keep me from innocent friendships so why the hell should I apologize? And then your response was to say I had let myself go and didn't impress you and shouldn't have talked to my guy friends. WTF? I didn't run because I took 12 fucking credit hours and worked during the summer and because I took 17 credit hours and worked during the year and every spare minute I had I tried to spend with you. So pardon me for not exercising but jesus I'm 110 pounds! You didn't even have the argument that I gained weight and looked shitty because I definitely didn't. You on the other hand. You had a beer gut. And you stopped shaving. Gross. I couldn't even take your shirt off during sex towards the end because then I'd just stare at your chest and not want to have sex anymore. Not like I really wanted to anyway. The only way sex was even enjoyable for the last few months we had sex was with the assistance of my vibrator. And I could've sent you this message and dealt all these low blows directly after we broke up but I didn't want to do that to someone I loved. But I was obviously mistaken. How could I have loved you? No one I would love would ever say the type of shit you did to me, or do the type of shit you did to me. It was like the past 2.5 years I just was in love with a fake person. Because I clearly didn't know the REAL you. I only knew the person I pretended you were since that first month we spent together. I thought you were this great, funny, ambitious guy. I couldn't even tell you how I felt without you saying that I was over emotional and ridiculous. What kind of "great" guy does that?? What kind of decent person does that? Which just leads to one conclusion: you're not a great guy, or even a decent human being. When I look back I just see the bad. And that never happens for me because even though I would bitch about all these people to you I always have seen the best in everyone. When I look back at mine and Derek's relationship I always see the good. When we first broke up it was instinctual for my stomach to turn every time I saw a picture of you. But now I see a picture of you and I just think how the hell was I with him for so long? And I think about all the great people I passed on to be with you. Stupid me. I do have one good thing to say though, I appreciate the fact that you ended things (since I was too much of a pussy to do so) before my dumbass stayed here for you even longer and ruined my life even more. And I appreciate it that you did it with enough time for me to go on dates and hang out with my friends long enough to rebuild my confidence that you destroyed. Funny how when I stopped waiting to hear compliments from one person I started to notice all the compliments from everyone else. I can finally see myself for the funny, intelligent, caring, attractive woman that I never believed I was when I was with you. The positive thing about me moving back for you was that I got my bachelor's degree way earlier than I would have had I stayed in Florida and I am finally going to be moving where I've wanted to move and where I belong, to Georgia. And with this letter, I am finally going to stop talking shit about you and wishing you ill. I'm a firm believer in karma and for all the shit that you put me through and for being an overall bad person, you'll get yours eventually.

Goodbye forever,
Stephanie
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