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[11 Mar 2008|06:42pm] |
Dear Former Self,
I don't understand you just as much as I don't understand my present self, or even my future self. I just don't understand how you were so embarrasing, or so naiive, or so goofy. I look back at you and think how weird I was. I laugh at you. I cringe at you. But I love the courage you had. I love that your heart was stronger back then. I love that you had no idea about how to look but you didn't really care all that much. I love that you tried to see the best in people. You weren't cynical back then, Although, yes, you were. Because I remember becoming cynical. I remember the first time I made a cynical comment, or even passed a judgement, and I remember thinking, "Oh no, what's happened there?" I remember feeling kind of disappointed in myself.
I remember laughing so hard all day with Amy Wilson, and then crying all night long at my Dad's house. I remember texting Alice for ages, we wasted so much credit talking, when I could have just walked around the corner to her house.
When did she and I become best friends? I remember asking her and Abbie if I could sit with them at lunch instead of Helena and Danielle Bond.
Why was I so two-faced to her? That was mean. I know it was back-lash from the way Gina and Liz, and herself had treated you, but what kind of a Christian witness was that? I suppose we both have a view of our memories as a bit bitter and spiteful.
Why did you do so many stupid things? When a lot of the time you knew you would feel bad afterwards.
I remember recently thinking how great it was that I hadn't done anything stupid to get me into trouble and leave me with overwhelming guilt and a sense of impending doom. I like that. But I recalled that thought last friday night when what I said had got the Gentlemen into trouble. But then I realised that I hadn't done anything stupid or bad, they had. And I shouldn't feel bad. I just wondered if I felt that feeling again for a split second because I'm a bit of a gossip monger. I think I am, despite my best efforts to not be invloved in that stuff. Although, when did you get into it, former self? I don't know. I think I'm only just starting to notice the difference between knowing things about other people and things and it being gossip. But maybe it's all gossip? I don't know.
I just wanted to say, even though you were so much more embarrasing, stupid and goofy back then, you're a much more admirable person than I am now.
I've gotta go. I've run out of time.
From your present/future self, which ever makes more sense.
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