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mood |
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moody |
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music |
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the sound of my part time job. |
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From 12/10/07 in all its teenage angsty glory full of embarrassing cliche crap that makes me go oh my gosh I really feel this way what happened to me I really feel this way!?
Trey I am missing you very much. I have been missing you a lot lately. There is so much I want to tell you, but I'm not sure where to begin. First I want to let you know I am so glad you are trying to get your life straight. That takes so much hard word, strength, and courage and I am so proud of you. There are so many ups and downs in the journey of overcoming addiction, but I believe you can overcome it. I really do. I truly believe in you. When we quit talking I prayed for you a good bit. I knew something was wrong and you were and are always on my mind and heart. I just started praying for you because I care about you and I wanted us to be together again. I was missing you so much. Missing everything about you from your touch to the way you smelled and how I felt when you held me. I've never cared about a guy so much in my life before I met you. The only thing that kept me back from contacting you was that I was unsure if I should. I questioned if you ever really cared about me, and I thought you needed your space and time to heal because inside I knew something was wrong. There was this doubt in me that this whole thing was silly. Some days I couldn't get my mind off of you and other days I just thought I was stupid to even think you cared about me. Something inside kept pressing on my heart though and finally it was like God spoke to me and told me there is a reason you and I met. Its like God confirmed that everything was okay and everything would continue to be okay and that I shouldn't give up on you. I really knew that I wanted to be with you and see you again after some stuff that happened this weekend. Deana tried to set me up with this guy. I haven't been with any guys or dated any guys or anything like that since I've last seen you. I haven't wanted to. Anyway this guy Deana tried to set me up with was very rude and tried to do some stuff with me, but he didn't get anywhere. Anyway my point is the whole night all I could think about was you and how you would never treat me that way, how you were always so sweet and gentle. I sincerely missed you and thats when I know I had to see you. I had to get in touch with you. So the next day I went by your parents house and your dad told me where you were. He was very nice to me. I got in my car and just about cried the whole way home. I was so happy to hear that you were getting your life straight but I was also sad not to see you. I wanted to hug you so bad. After I calmed down some I just wanted to get in touch with you and let you know that I miss you, I'm thinking about you and I'm here for you. So again I went by your parents house but neither of them were home so I looked up your address in the phone book and called your house. Your mom called me back that night and we talked for a while. She was so sweet. You can tell she is a mom just by her sweet voice. I really appreciate her talking to me. She asked me how old I was and I told her. I didn't want to lie because I care about you and were not going to get anywhere by lying. Now all I can think about is what you will say to her when she tells you I called. I can't stop wondering if you will be angry with me for calling, or if you will remember me, or if you will tell her you don't want anything to do with me. God keeps telling me everything will be okay and I believe him. Just like I believe there is a reason you and I met and there is a reason God kept you on my heart and mind. I guess what I'm trying to say is I care about you and I want to see you get better not for me but for yourself. Trey there is so much goodness in you. I can see it and I know it. I know your a good person and I hope you can realize that too. Your a such a good guy and I hope you can believe that and just believe in yourself. I hope we can be friends after this whole process and after you get out of the Home of _____. I want you to know I'm here for you, here to support you and help you get through this. It's like I can't say it enough that I really miss you and truly care about you. I also wanted to write you and tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever quit talking to you and I'm sorry for the times I was mean to you. I don't know if you remember but one of the last times you called me we hadn't spoke in over a week. I was really mean and unforgiving. You told me you were out of town for something for your business. I didn't believe you because I thought you just didn't want to talk to me for that week or I figured you chose your addiction over me and couldn't find the time to even call me. I was selfish. I wish I would have been nicer and instead tried to help you. I now you are the only one who can help yourself, I can want you to get better bu that won't help unless you want to get better too. I understand that, I just wish I would have treated you nicer because like I've said a million times I really care about you. I think I had some other built up anger that had nothing to do with you but I took it out on you. I'm so sorry for that and I'm sorry I was ever rude or mean to you. Well I've told you a lot of what I've been wanting to tell you. I'm sure there is more I would like to write to you about, but for now at least you know this much. At least you know I'm here for you. Maybe that time we spent apart was for the best because you ended up in a place where your trying to get your life straight. I'm not sure if you want to write to me or not. I'm not really sure how you will take any of this. I know you still have so much to go through, progress to make, and an every day battle to fight. I just want you to know I'm right here with you. I hope you do write me back and I hope we can continue to write to each other. If you don't want to write me back then I understand. It will be hard for me, but I understand. You have to do what is best for you and I don't want to get in the way or interfere with you getting better. I hope you know what a great guy you are, how sweet you are, I hope you realize you do have a light that shines in you whether you can see it or not. The more you put your energy towards good things and getting better the more you will be able to show everyone else what an awesome guy you are. Don't give up, never stop trying, believe in yourself.
Here for you,
Hannah
I never sent it.
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