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to all the infighting [04 Feb 2007|02:03am]
[ mood | getting plastered ]
[ music | black label society-stillborn(acoustic version i downloaded) ]

ok, just quit, ok? GOD DAMNIT! all of this fighting over a woman i kicked to the curb isn't getting anywhere, if anything she's loving the attention it brings her. this was my thing with her, MINE! I can understand about the daughter thing to a point but in the end it was like it was at the beginning. it was my thing with her. if she chooses to babble bullshit over it here then that's her choice to do that if it makes her feel better about herself over what she did and caused. just ignore the bs because i've told what happened on my journal, where it belongs, it's very open and not just open for a few posts(like the other half in this ordeal).

Thank you for taking up the argument, be it her side, my side, your own side. it doesn't matter what side was taken by who, i don't give a shit. there's been faults on my side as well as hers, my fault was believing in her again when i shouldn't have. that'll always be my mistake, like that song by sheryl crow, "my favorite mistake". the arguing and fighting is accomplishing nothing and it sure the fuck isn't helping me at all. if anything it keeps adding salt to the wound. so if you want to keep adding to the hurt? keep on fighting then. i may have met someone else but it still doesn't mean i feel, know what i mean?

I haven't said alot about it here, i have my own journal to do that in. someone else took it way over the edge and i don't have control over what others do with what is on my journal, i know, i could not put it there, but i have a pretty open journal so i know i leave it open for anyone to take what they want from it and use it however they want. but enough already. I've seen where this has expanded (people leaving me links as replies on my journal), it shouldn't have gotten this out of control. if my ex girlfriend wants to be in a community she knows the guy who kicked her to the curb again, is at, then that's her choice to suffer with.

I'll tell you this, I'm going back to what I've always done here, which is lend experience strength and hope. anyone tries to bring this shit over to my journal? I promise you that it'll never see the light of day because they'll never be shown there. Just leave it alone alright? it's not helping in any way what so ever. any thoughts and opinions on this will be on my journal, where they belong. so feel free anytime to read it. you'll get a more honest account there than anywhere ese, and that's not for anyone to go take sides on. it's just where you'll get the honest way of how it went down. now if you don't care? good, that's fine, you're entitled to it. I'm not asking you to care. Just end the bullshit here because this isn't supposed to be a battleground over..well you know, i won't say it here. i said it on the FU community i belong to. so just quit because at the end of the day, she knows what she did and only she will know the real reason why, and she's the one who'll have to live with herself. me? i'm going thru the door that's opened now that i shut the door on everything to do with her. so why not you do the same.

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[04 Feb 2007|11:39am]
Dear dad,

I would like to thank you for staying home today.
So instead of being at the office you linger around the house talking loudly on the phone.


And thanks for being unreasonable.
I know that when you see my report card your ganna kill me.
EVEN though i got good grades in my other classes and you know i dont get chem.
Seriously, i tried so hard
and i know your not even ganna care.

...your daughter
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[04 Feb 2007|04:16pm]
(I know this is for unsent letters but i emailed this one.)

Dear Dad:
heres your response;

ill email you the money. just for the record, that leaves me with enough for car ins until the end of the semester, and nothing else. just know that i never asked for it, you forced me to borrow more because you didnt want the basic car repair done. furthermore had i been told, at the age of 25, that i had BELL shares in the bank i would have paid for the car repairs with that, and not be obligated to you in any way. But you only told me about that money, when YOU needed it. Not me.

so heres your money. just so you know, youve never contributed financially to anything in my life, aside from the car that you will continue to hold over myhead aswell, im sure.

You paid for nicks rent when he lived in London, child support for nick, you paid for all the years of his hockey, and co-signed for him. Yes you helped me out, but did you really? helping me would have been repairing the car and not asking me to pay you back. Especially when you know its coming out of the little amount of OSAP the government gave me this semester. Until i can get a job or pull a miracle out of my ass, im momentarily screwed. Thanks for being so understanding. Im so sorry that youre so hard done by. You dont know what debt it, you dont know what not having money is. When as, a fulltime student i barely have a nickle to my name. I dont expect you to care, since ive heard you drove nanas car during your college years, lived at home etc.

Besides, if you're getting $500 BMW driving lessons for your bday, i dont think wendy is having a hard time "carrying you" and youre married, thats what couples do.

I dont ever want to speak of this again. and i will never be asking you for 'help' again either. Im glad that all you seem to care about in my life, is what you profit from it. And ill bet you $600 that you cant name 5 of my friends, the guy im dating, how many tattoos i have, what my favourite colour is, what my hobbies are, what my rats names are...no. Thats the saddest thing about all this..is that you really know nothing about me. seeing as how thats ok with you, its really quite fine with me. ive grown accustomed to the weak conversations we have about "hows school? hows the cats? hows your mom?" and nothing more. cause yknow..thats all there is to me. cats. and school.

take care dad. i really have nothing more to say, and please dont bother writing back.

Your money will be in an email.

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Anyone who makes it thru this whole thing has my respect =] [04 Feb 2007|04:47pm]
[ mood | Fucking Pissed ]
[ music | Life goes on -- 2 Pac ]

To all the guys who screwed me over,

Ight. I'm bored. So I'm just gonna sit here a spew this shit like i aint got nuthin better to do. Cuz I don't.

He wants me to be his Cinderella. Fuck that. I'm no one's fucking princess. And no one's my superman. and ill fucking murder the first person who tires to be. I don't have the emotional capacity for a relationship. Mom says I'm bitter, so maybe I am? It's not like it's a reversible state. What happened with him and her scared the shit out of me. That happy couple that was always my idealistic goal tumbles around themselves in flames of misunderstanding and twisted hormones. Had this shit fuck up my views and once, poisoning my brain with heartache and rotting lies...enough. Finally free, and I'm flying above it all, without feeling or care for the poor burning souls below me who would die just to feel alive. And sometimes, i worry that I don't care and will never again care, but if I don't care then who else is gonna care? And all you ever get out of caring is pain for the ones you care about. So fuck that. I can't be your Cinderella, and I sure as hell aren't going to let you sweep me off my feet. And just so you all know, my ex-price charming is on a clock, counting down from now to then. Next time he shows his face or makes his voice heard he's gonna drown in the sound of a thousand chainsaws. and I'm gonna tear out his heart and burn down his fucking ego and let him have it. No way that ass hole's coming anywhere near this nightmare Cinderella. So call me cold, call me heartless, call me a fucking ice princess. All i gotta say to you is, dontchya wish you were just like me? Cuz you know, i used to want to hate you, but now I just love to hate you and all the bullshit you put me through just made me cry and scream and change. And now I'm me and all I ever wanted was to be just like me. Don't wanna be just like you, cuz you aint got nuthing on me. No one's been through my thought process of a thousand words and a billion terrors. So fuck this. If you wanna know me you better pack on the kevalr and break through my walls, and trust me, I have a precious million. Soldiers lining up on the front line holding you at gun point. So if you make it to my side and your still alive, I'll think about it. Until then, you're not worth my time. Sorry, no one is. And if your wondering, 'Oh, well what makes her so special? Why does she think she's too good for anyone?" CUZ I AM BITCH! Just the fact that I made you think that proved my point. When you've felt what I've felt and lost what I've lost and become what I've become, you can be better than everyone too. Till then, drop down on ur knees bitch, and worship me. Cuz Im done crying over cigarette burns in my lungs. I'm done crying over cracks in my heart and the tears on other people's cheeks. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! I hate what you've done to me! I didn't deserve it! Don't you understand?! You were the first and you took it all away so now there's none left for anyone else! NOTHING! They're all left scrambling, trying to tie together the heartstrings that you cut. And you're nothing but another palyer, another dick for chicks to suck. And ur not even good enough to lick my fucking boots. So fuck you. Ima fucking see you in hell you desperate horny manipulating ass hole. Don't think your anyones superman. You wont be saving anybody when you can't even save yourself. Cause you wont be able to when I show up at your door next, a Glock in one hand and an Uzi in the other. I'm gonna decorate the walls with your innards and the ceiling with your brain cells. Then, see how many more girls you'll hurt from your bloody smear on the wall. Thats' right, I just killed you in this wet dream I had. So fuck you and all the bastards who are just like you. So you wonder why I don't trust you? Wonder why I can't be your Cinderella? It's cuz of ass holes like my ex-superman, who fucking fucked it up for the rest of you. Take your complaints to him, and tell me what he had to say when you get back, and I'll rip on you both. Cuz I dont give a fuck about any of you. And it's kinda funny that you all expect me too, only cuz you give a fuck about me. And I know it sucks to admit it, but you do. Sorry to hear about ur bad luck.


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[04 Feb 2007|07:29pm]
Dear Me,

People come to you for advice and yea you give great advice and you ALWAYS know what to do!? But when it comes to actually listening to your own advice you dont! You just go into your little corner and act like no1 exists! Are you realli that scared of being hurt? Are you realli that worried about what will happen if you express how you feel? Are you realli that afraid of how you feel?

Stop being afraid
Stop hiding

Love Me xx
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[04 Feb 2007|08:08pm]
Dear Derek,

Thanks for the help last night. Although I was wasted out of my mind, I meant what I said. You make me feel safe. I hate that so much. You don't want a relationship, and I don't blame you after the shit I pulled last night. I wish I hadn't made such a fool of myself. I really do like you. I appreciate more than anything that even though you could've done whatever you wanted with me last night, you refused because you're not a jerk like that. You proved me wrong in my thinking. I wish you liked me the same way I liked you. Actually, I just wish you'd look at me again. I know I was a retard. I'm sorry. You're amazing. The time I spent in your arms last night made it sort of worth it.


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[04 Feb 2007|09:59pm]
Dear Love

You just have to hurt like hell whether we have you or not, huh?

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[04 Feb 2007|11:31pm]
dear ryan,

i know that you hate my guts- or at least that's what your actions have shown, but how can i dismiss your timing? i ran into you in public on the day a year from when we broke up... and you were wearing a shirt i bought you for christmas. of course we didn't talk, but still... i've been dreaming about you for the past two weeks. they've all had the same reoccurring theme: us getting back together. can you do something to either prove or disprove this crazy idea i have that you might still have feelings for me?

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