You keep moving on...   
08:32pm 04/09/2003
  Here it is...the end of this life. So after about a month I'll ask Heather to delete this journal and my screen names. Or maybe I won't even bother. There's always an ending to a story and I guess I thought I'd last longer here but I was wrong. My own life is taking a plunge into the deep end so I'm giving up this. I want to keep in touch with you all...Stephen, Heather, Ash, Marsha, Anthony, it's not the end for US. I'm just moving on. I have a lot of shit going on right now and I'm not going to bore you long but I think you might want to know. Mom is leaving us. I got jumped. I'm working every day of the week just about anywhere from 5 to 8 hours a day. I'm failing school. Dani is suicidal. And now I will have to run the house until we find out what to do about bills and an apartment. But, here I am trying to stay strong through the storm. I'll be the first one to admit I need help. I'll be the last one to actually ask for it. I know people care but there's not much anyone else can do besides be there when I feel I need to talk. I don't know what's going on with much of you. I know there are some who'd rather never talk to me again but I'd like to think that's just temporary. I thought about doing shoutouts and what not but you know who you are and you know how I feel about you. I'll check this for about the next 3 or 4 days and then it will most likely be deleted. I love you. <3

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09:17pm 22/08/2003
  My mother is as stupid as fuck sometimes. She lets my 11 year old brother go to the Jambori...ALONE at NIGHT but she doesn't want me to going to Dani's when her mom isn't there. It doesn't matter all that much because I'm gonna do what I want regardless. Don't really know why I come home, unless it's to get extra clothes. I pay for everything out of my own pocket now. Most of my meals, my gas, my clothes (which I haven't gotten any in months). I'm not going to be able to get a class ring unless I start saving BIG TIME and start skipping meals. And I figure it's not that important. I went to therapy with Dani Thursday. I thought it might help but instead it left me feeling emotionally...raped. Gabe asked me the other night if I was happy. And I didn't really answer. He also told me I don't have to be so tough. But it's not that easy. Maybe my life isn't that bad. I could have it worse...I know. And that speech is worn out, guys. I've heard all of it.

Isn't it funny how when the people you think that love and care the most abandon you when you need them most. Most people online are like that. Almost all of you. But I guess...I'm not really there for you all much either anymore. So sorry. Isn't that weird though. How people say they want to be there for you but when you get right down to the time when you're laying face down screaming for one even looks up. I don't know Stephen's phone number, and he won't reply to my comments or i don't know what to do anymore. just wait until i'm dead to try and contact me, okay. that goes for a lot of you. Josh, you comment but do you ever stop by, or return my calls, or ask me if i want to do anything. oh yea thanks for showing up at the match. great support, buddy. heather, i dont even know what's going on with you anymore. which is mostly my fault. hope you're doing okay. i'll try and call you know my work schedule tomorrow. meadow thinks i've fallen into sin i think. so what. been there for a while, babe. I haven't gone to church in forever. my faith is dying and i don't know who to trust anymore. dad is so busy he could care less. with his heart and all...he hasn't thought twice about spending more time with his kids... i try to take care of him the best i can. but i can't be around him and my mom together. which makes it difficult. anyway it's 9:45 now on a friday night and Dani was supposed to call me 2 hours ago. I guess I'll go check on her. Love and all.
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09:09pm 22/08/2003
  Tired. So tired.

Is anyone out there?

You say you'll be here but when I need you, you abandon me.

You're all so terrific.
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10:17am 21/08/2003
  It's been requested that I update. There's not anything too interesting going on in my life right now. I just go to school every morning, come home, get ready for work at 4 and work until 7 or 10 or whenever, go to Dani's when I get off, go to a party if I'm not too tired, and go back to Dani's to sleep. And in the morning I do my homework. I stayed home from school today because I'm absolutely worn out. I had to close last night and when I got home I talked to Gabe for 2 hours then did my extremely boring algebra homework and got in bed around 3 am. So at 6:30 in the morning I was like "oh hell, fuck this" and went back to sleep.
But I'm making it through. There's a new me. The me that doesn't put up with stupid bullshit anymore. It's time to fight. And all these pricks messing with Dani, it's not going to go on for long. I fight to survive here. I've learned the mill hill like the back of my hand and it's rough. All the drug busts and shootings, you have to be careful. We go walking sometimes at night and I find myself watching our backs more than once. Anyway, I think on winter break I'll either fly to Boston and see Gabe or fly to see my brother in South Bend. I'll probably go see him earlier than that though. I'm not with Stephen anymore but it sucks we never talk anymore. So there's my life right now. In one entry. Hope you all are well. Much love,
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09:18pm 14/08/2003
  Here I am again. I can't say I'll stay. Because I know I won't. First off though, I'd like to wish a very happy birthday to the MAN (yea you're a man now) that I've known, respected, and loved for three years. I did break it off. And there are reasons that you don't understand. I don't like making excuses but I need to tell you. Everything is so fuckin hard right now. I'm okay in the day because I'm busy...I have things to occupy my the job I just started and school. And of course my friends. If I didn't have those things right now I wouldn't make it. At night it feels like I'm dying. I AM sorry that I haven't spent much time with you. I REALLY REALLY am. I don't know why you can't understand what's going on. Baby I just need room to breathe right now. Dad had a heart attack the other night. I've never been so scared in my entire life. I'm still scared. To the point where I can hardly sit still. I'm paranoid now. I NEED you. I've always needed you. I can't give much to anyone right now. I absolutely hate myself for that. I need some time to get back up on my feet. Stanley's been gone for 2 months. My cousin has been gone almost 2 months. April has been gone...not even a month yet. And now dad is having problems. I don't want to lose you, Stephen. It will kill me. But i need you to know I won't be able to give you much for a while. I want you. I love you. I think the reason I broke up with you on the spot was because it hurt SO FUCKING MUCH to hear you say you didn't know if you loved me or wanted to be with me anymore. I bit my lip so hard that it bled to keep from crying in front of Dani. Anyway, I know you probably don't care about this stuff but I needed to tell you how I feel. I needed you to know I don't wanna lose you. I wish I could call you for your birthday and it be like old times. But I'm almost positive you'll just hang up on me. So I wrote you a letter and I'm sending it out tomorrow. It's nothing like I planned. And again I'm sorry. I hope you read this and understand that I LOVE YOU. No matter what happens, no matter if you never speak to me again. I thought about calling you last night. I was so scared and all I could think about was if I lost you for good. When you read this, I hope you comment or leave me an offline...or even give me a call. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STEPHEN. I hope it's a good one. Lovin you always,

OK People...   
12:47am 11/08/2003
  Faith asked me to delete her blurty...I can't do it. You all need to leave a comment and let her know you care and that she shouldn't leave the 'net just because her and Stephen are over...I'm sure she'll check her email eventually...and if not, I'll call her and tell her to check her email <3
OK People...   
12:47am 11/08/2003
  Faith asked me to delete her blurty...I can't do it. You all need to leave a comment and let her know you care and that she shouldn't leave the 'net just because her and Stephen are over...I'm sure she'll check her email eventually...and if not, I'll call her and tell her to check her email <3
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02:11am 06/08/2003
  Where to begin...there's not really place. You're wondering why I deleted my journal...and now you're wondering why I activated it again. Honestly it had to do with trying to make a new beginning. Trying to start again. But truthfully I'm too tired to try right now. I tried to fight back, tried to regain some things I've lost but I don't have the strength or courage to right now. It's too soon. I feel my faith slipping. I feel cheap. I used to be someone I could look at in the mirror and be proud of. Now all I see is weakness. Ignoring everything has become a pain reliever. There are times when I'm alone though when it's all I can think of. Here I will bare my soul about all my feelings. I'm sorry if you're offended but you need to know...

Stephen... We're losing, baby. I doubt you even realize what's happening. I need more than this...this nothingness. I try to get through to you, but it's not like it used to be. We used to have this spark, this chemistry and now it seems as if you're floating away. Maybe it's me. Maybe with the things that have happened to me lately, you've slowly distanced yourself. If it's my fault, I'm sorry. I tried. I want you. But you don't seem to return those feelings. I get so excited to just see your name light up but when i try to talk to you, it seems as if you could care less. I need love. Esspecially now. I'm alone now more than ever. You used to compliment me so much, made me feel like a princess...and now I feel like trash. Maybe you've had enough of me. I don't know what else I should do. How to keep "us" alive. I'm exhausted and I'm giving everything I can.

Moving on...

I start school Thursday and I started work today at Ingle's. I don't think I'll like it much. People there don't take me serioiusly already. I'm always getting laughed at for being clumsy or something. I've never been taken serioiusly. I'm the crazy chic who makes everyone laugh. Which is cool sometimes. But it's like, I'm not the type of girl people see as having a relationship with. I need to move and start a whole new life.

I've spoken to Gabe recently and it's been a break through. It's so good to hear his voice, to hear his thoughs again, to feel appreciated and loved. He wants to come visit me soon and I think I'm gonna let him. Maybe. I don't know if I want him here in all this mess. It's crazy right now. But who knows. I need someone here who will listen and understand. I'm scared though. Of course. Always worrying...

The parents situation....Is getting worse and worse. I just grit my teeth now and stare. Some people say "oh well at least your parents aren't divorced". News Flash... It's worse when all they do is scream and cuse at eachother anyway. What good is that? It's gonna hurt either way...but it hurts worse to be in the middle of it. When I was a little girl I used to think my parents loved eachother so much and nothing would ever come between them. And then I starting waking up in the middle of the night to their screaming. One night the cops were called. I still hate her for doing that. Or the night in the hotel room where she just screamed and screamed at dad while robert and i sat there listening to her. Finally I told her if she loved us, she'd stop what she was doing because it was tearing us apart. She told me to shut up and kept on screaming. Things have never been the same since.

See all those people on the ground
wasting time
i try to hold it all inside
but just for tonight
the top of the world
sitting here wishing
the things I've become
that something is missing
maybe I...
but what do I know
and now it seems that i have found
nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
slow it down
without it all
I'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head
and I'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all
On My Own

There are other things I needed to say and other people to say things to but my mind seems to have turned to jell-o. Peace and Love


PS ASH, MARSHA, HEATHER, DANI...I love you girls soooo much! You are all jewels...never forget that.
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06:39pm 30/07/2003
  It's at these moments...moments when I'm alone and I've told everyone to leave me alone because I'm fine...these moments I think. These moments I let the pain take over me. I welcome it. When you ask me how i am...there aren't enough words, and I'm tired of trying to explain everything that's going on so "I'm fine" has become an automatic response. I have all the tears and screaming caught in my throat and it's become a task to breathe. Im sorry if you feel as though I'm pushing you away in all this but i just dont know what else to do to keep you from feeling my pain. I hate Stanley and April for leaving me here. Alone. It's what I feel, even though I know i'm not. But it's my choice. I now I'm screwing myself over but i don't know what else to do. When I'm going "out" I go to my room, curl up in my bed, and cry. Mother came in last night because I was almost screaming. The pain is too much. I can't LIVE like this. It fucking hurts. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to not be here either. I don't want anything. throwing up everything I eat has become a habit. I have yet to cut myself but I think I'm still too shocked to be doing that yet. i hate expressing feelings on this journal. i think i'm going to delete this soon. it feels so cheap. like i'm wanting people to feel what i feel. it's wrong and selfish. in a way i want people to care, to call and check to see if I'm still alive after not speaking to me for a few days. i think it would feel good to know people care. but i don't know. in another way I just want to dissapear forever and no one go on with their lives, not remembering me, not missing me, not worrying. You people though....i love you guys. I want more than anything to make you happy. But I just can't. I feel like I've failed. I'd die for you. Right now, right here. I'd die. But i can't do anything. But sit around like I don't feel what's going on.  
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Stolen from Stephen...   
11:14am 30/07/2003
  1. My name:
2. Where did we meet?
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. How long have you known me?
5. When is the last time we saw each other?
6. Do I smoke?
7. Do I believe in God?
8. When you first saw me what was your impression?
9. Month of my Birthday?
10. Color hair?
11. Color eyes?
12. Do I have any siblings?
13. Have you ever had a crush on me?
14. Have you ever been jealous of me?
15. What's one of my favorite things to do outdoors?
16. What's one of my fav. things to do indoors?
19. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?
20. What's my favorite type of music?
21. What is the best feature about me?
22. Am I shy or outgoing?
23. Would you say I am funny ha ha or funny sarcastic?
24. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?
25. Would you consider me a friend, an acquaintance, or a good friend?
26. Would you call me preppy, slutty, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
27. Have you ever seen me cry?
28. If there were one good nickname for me what would it be?
29. Are my parents still together?
30. If I had broccoli stuck in my teeth would you tell me?
31. Do you think I'm fat or skinny or just plain old average?
32. What's my favorite color?
33. Hot or not?
34. Do I sleep with a stuffed animal?
35. What will I be when I grow up?
36. What is one thing you'd like to see me do this school year?
37. Will you remember me 10 yrs. from now?
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08:09pm 24/07/2003
  I'm ordering my Vans and hoody tonight online. Hope Dad doesn't get TOO mad. I was going to go to the downtown cele tonight with Katelyn and her friend but instead I'm staying home to work on the song I'm working on on my guitar. It sounds really good so far. I might show it to Jason and his band. Who knows. Heather called me last night while I was walking over to Tracy's. It felt really good to have someone to talk to. And I could say more but I don't even have the strength to go into anything that's going on right now.

I think one day I'm just gonna get up and leave the internet for good and not tell anyone. Go hard core addiction-free for a while. Hell though I wish they had some sort of patch for it. Or gum. Or something. Someone could make a fortune selling those. Hm I don't know. Just tired of the drama everyone puts out. And no one speaks to you first unless they need something. Not to mention it's an emotionally unstable enviorment. ****

I broke free. I broke her nose. I woke up. I fucked up when I let you win. I ran off when you told me not to. I made you ashamed of me. Fact is...I'm stronger now and I don't need your opinions. I can do it all by myself. My life is beginning today. Sitting around wishing I were somewhere else is no long an option.
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10:53pm 22/07/2003
  I just want you all to know....I love you.

Ashley I know you're going through a rough time right now and I just want you to know that I'm going to do all that I can to be there for you and I'll do anything you need me to. I want you to be happy and I want you to see that you're better than what you've been believing you are. There's a song I want you to hear that I believe might give you some hope. Please don't lose hope. I'm here when you need me. Please give me a call if I'm not here and you need to talk. And if not just know that you have someone out there that cares.

Stephen you've been doing so well lately. I've seen a change in you. In your health, in your attitude. Keep your head up, don't fall back to where you once were...stay strong baby. Bellieve in yourself. I like the happy you. It's healthy and it's exciting. Love yourself.

Heather...go get em girl. You've got to stop being so shy, you'll never get anywhere like that. Don't turn it on full force on him but start making moves, don't wait too long to find out if he feels the same way because it might be too late by then. I've told you all this earlier but I'm just reminding you. And dont worry too much about Steven. If he wants to be your friend, he'll come around and if not, he wasn't that great of a guy to begin with. Keep hope. Even if neither of them work out. Life is more than finding the right person to be with. You're beautiful Heather!! Don't you dare deny it.

APRIL!! I will miss you TERRIBLY!!! I'm so coming to visit and you'd better not forget my invitation to your and Dan's wedding. Aw c'mon everyone knows you two are going to tie the knot. Denial is not a river in Egypt, dearie. Anyway I got so choked up tonight giving that speech tonight. Who will I hang out with now? Who will be my best real life friend!? Aww welll I love you. Take care out there in Cali. Don't forget me. <3

I know I'm missing others but these are the only people who really read my journal. Much love to you all.
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07:28pm 21/07/2003
  I definitely should have stayed in Wisconsin. It's swallowing me up again. I'm fighting for air. Why is it the same process over and over again. Fuck no I dont want any of you to feel sorry for me. I dont want your help. I cant use your help. I cant help myself. I'm too far gone. And at these times all I can do is sink lower and lower until the this thing decides to leave me alone for a while. This enviorment, these people they help make the anger, the depression buried deep inside me to arise. I'm exhausted...always going from one side to another. Pulled back and forth, collapsing, and getting back up again because I have to have hope. What's the point of that. The only thing keeping me here are the people who need me. I wish this feeling would leave me alone. I feel not good enough. Put down time and time again when all I'm trying to do is help. You make me feel like nothing I do will ever matter. But deep down I know who it is I really do hate. Myself. I'm sure all this will blow over by tomorrow but always it will be buried down deep inside just awaiting to be awakened again.  
Journal Shit. Enjoy.   
03:01am 20/07/2003
  7/8/03 Tuesday
4 am:So tired, Went to bed at 2:30 and the sleep I did get was no pleasant. Dad woke me up at 3 am so I got up, washed my face, threw on some clothes, packed mine and dad's stuff, and skidoodled over to David and Meadow's. Tunrs out Mom isn't traveling with us so it'll be just Ashley and I in a hotel room. Holy cow so much fun. We are gonna stay up late watching cartoons and jumping on beds weeee. I had an anxiety attack last night. Which I guess is expected around this time but I think I freaked Stephen out a bit. Spoke to him yesterday but his phone decided to break twice so our conversation was limited mainly to small talk. Which is fine by me. I'm going to miss him imensly..I can barely go a day much less 2 weeks or more. So we're in the car now and the first thing on is the Too Fast Too Furious song and immediately I burst out laughing because Stephen had just told me that was his and his boy's racing song. That's my boy...bad to the bone w0rd fer lyfe. Anyway now we're heading out to get gas and drinks. After that we're off. I feel somewhat sick and that sucks. Maybe after a few more jours of sleep I'll feel better. But I get to drive first. This is starting off to be a wonderfull trip. Note my enthusiasm =-L

6:15 PM:Holy hell! Arrived at the hotel in Indiana and it's so slammin. Just took a hot bubble bath in the jacuzzi and now I'm chillin by the pool watchin some of "That 70's Show". Whoa shit a tornado just touched down like a mile away so i gotta run. Excitmentness.

7 PM:Well skies are clear well...the tornado past. But yea that was fun. Adreniline going pump pump pump. I've got so much to talk about but we're gonna go eat some chinese and relax for a while. Noodles and rice yum yum.

9:30 PM:The tornado touched down again while we were eating and everyone freaked out. I saw my first real live tornado *grins* wow oh wow! I would've gotten a picture if I weren't being shoved into the game room =-L. Anyway the ride up here was somewhat stressfull. I was feeling tired and out of energy and breath so around 2 i took a Stacker's and it like gives you an energy boost. Well then I drove the rest of the way (2 hours) to the hotel. Bad idea. I had to drive through construction speeding b/c I had to keep up, with a wall on one side and semis on the other in a 45 mph zone where everyone was going 65-70. I started having an anxiety attack but calmed myself. It was most likely because of the Stacker's. Listened to some of Tony Robbins on the way. He really gets me thinking and I like that. Pick up some of his books on CD and you won't see the world the same after you've heard the stuff he has to say. Ashley is singing again for the 92837493824 time. It's going to be a long night.

7/9/03 Wednesday
9:39 AM:So I woke up this morning to the sound of someone pounding on my door. And may I say 6 am is way to early to be awake...esspecially on vacation. I am sick to the point where'd I give anything just to be knocked over the head. I've got a total amount of 3 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours and I'm getting strip throat so I can barely sleep. I have no appetite and I have a cold. I watched X-Men 2 last night. Great movie and the end was quite surprising. Anyway we're on the road again in 30 minutes. This part of the trip might be a little more interesting hopefully. I think we're going into Chicago and some other big cities. I love them...big cities. What do I love about them? The buildings. I have this deep love for architecture. It fascinates me.

Ashley is the most friendliest little girl. So far on this trip she's made 6 friends. 3 McDonalds, 2 at the hotel, and 1 at Pizza Inn. She just goes right up to people and introduces herself and immediately makes friends. I admire that about her. Oh I forgot to mention JoAnna is pregnant! I'm going to be an aunt again and I'm thrilled. At first I think she was just a little upset because she didn't expect it and she has a lot of things going on right now but she's happy overall. Well I went to the gym just 15 minutes ago and met 2 guys named Gary and Louis. Real nice and just graduated. We played a little pool even though I suck ass at it. But they had girlfriends with them and they woke up and made them leave. Oh well, I tried to make friends. Oviously it doesn't usually work out that way. So now the girls are giving me evil looks. LMFAO this is a riot. We're leaving now. Tata.

11:13 PM:It's been rough Real rough. I have strip throat and a fevor. I've been helping out with the kids a lot of Meadow and I'm happy to give her a break but I'm just worn plain out. We weren't going to stop again but we all were so tired that we stopped 3 hours away from home (Rhinelander). Wisconsin weather is so much nicer though. Real cool. We went through downtown Chicago today and I just about flipped out. I think it is my favorite city . I took a lot of photographs of older buildings and the city itself. Everything was breahtaking to me...well except the mad mother truckin drivers there. Yea yea you know you're a small town chic if...

Anyway it's been 2 days and no word from anyone. I missed him a lot today. I wanted him to be there with me, seeing everything I was seeing, holding when I felt sick, telling me he loves me. I'd even eat that gross noodle soup if he made it for me. I wish he would call soon. I've thought about so much in the past 2 days, it's unbelievable. But I'm too exhausted to write anouther paragraph. I'm going to try and sleep now.

7/11/03 Friday
11:30 PM:I didn't write yesterday because I was so busy but Ima make up for it. Yesterday we arrived in Rhinelander at about 1:30 PM. Seeing gramma and grampa was great, I'd missed them tons. I also found out the sad news that they had to put their dog Patches down which is just so sad because he was like part of the family -sniffles-. So anyway we had lunch and helped with dinner. At about that time Patty and Rachel arrived. Rachel put blonde in her hair and cut it all off but it looks super good. She'd just gotten in from Cali. I'm thinking of going out there sometime soon. I'll stay with her while she's going to college or something. Maybe I'll even move out there. Who knows. So we had dinner and Uncle Jack and his family arrived afterwards. The first person I really notcied was Cherrish and wow she grew up. She's taller than me and she's about Robert's age or so. Bryce and I've talked quite a bit so far and we have a lot in common. Oh and we already use nicknames. He calls me "baby" and I call him "sweetheart" so it's all good. Stacey looks just as I remember her except with blonde in her hair. Everyone seems to be doing that lately. Maybe I'll try it on for a change...

My cell has no service whatsoever out her so if Stephen or anyone else tried to call they've gotten my machine. But oh well what can ya do? Dad took me to a walk-in clinic today and the doc told me I just had a viral infection. Actually I'm feeling considerably better except for my throat.

I've been thinking a lot about Gabe lately. I've been listening to the cd he made for me a while back and I really miss him. He has no computer or working phone at the present time. All he can do is text and that takes too long to have a real conversation. I miss our late night cam sessions till 7 in the morning...watching the sun rise. Work came first though. He got busier. But man did we bond. I miss being able to tell him everything and I always loved what he had to say...always unique and always helpfull. He always made me feel so beautiful, like I deserved the world even though I knew I didn't. -sighs- People come and people go. Love them while you have them I guess. I've been contemplating going to see him sometime soon but it's looking to be sometime next summer or the following.

We played Cranium tonight...our whole family. Let's see, there's about 23 of us, 24 if Matt were still here. I miss him, it's just not complete without him here. I know it's hard for Robert too...they were such good friends and now he doesn't have anyone like that here to hang with. It's just sad. Moving on to an easiesr subject. Tim and his family are getting here tomorrow night. More kids, weeee. Anyway here me and Rachel are, listening to our music, eating Twizlers, and writing in our journals. I'm gonna go I'm exhausted. Goodnight, Godbless.

(Aw c'mon you've made it this far...keep reading)

7/15/03 Tuesday
3 AM:I could seriously get used to living here. I could get lost in the tranquility, everyone here takes time to enjoy life. They don't rush around like maniacs and people are just generally nicer and so polite. I guess it just feels nice to know people out there actually care and not everyone is cold and heartless. Life is almost perfect here. I don't want to go back to the life where the computer is my only life and where the people turn into starving, furious dogs, tearing everyone downt hat gets in their way of what they want. It feels so nice to be told by strangers that you're beautiful and to be told "I love you" by the people that truly care about you. I love to just go off by myself, exploring or just getting lost in my own thoughts...not a care in the world. The light-heartedness here, I could seriously get used to. And not to mention I can't stop smiling.

Anyway I haven't written because I've been busy just enjoying myself. The ceremony was the sweetest thing. I cried twice and finally saw Grampa and Gramma kiss. The renewing of vows....everything was just so sweet. I'm going to have a marriage just like that. Eveh when we're old and grey we'll still get lost in eachother's eyes and we'll love eachother more and more each day that goes by. One day.

Let's see I've done so much that it would take forever to write down but I'll try. I went canoeing yesterday with my brother and we tipped in the middle of the lake because it started to get really windy and the rain started pouring but we made it in okay. Oh I forgaot about the stalking photographer. At the ceremony reception every table had a camera to take pictures. Anyway so this guy who looked to be about 14 or 15 at the table next to us keeps taking pictures of me. He didn't try to hide it, he'd even get other angles of me. Bryce and John who were sitting next to me starting picking at me at first. Okay so a harmless crush right? Wrong. Everywhere I went he followed me, taking pictures and when he tried to follow me into the bathroom is when it went too far. I told him to stop and he did for the time being. But as soon as I leave the BR there he is. So I go tell Bryce and John and Bryce goes up to him and says something which I have no idea what and he stops. But golly bum man he was friggin annoying. Moving on...

I think Bryce has officially become another best friend type person. He is like the perfect guy and I can't believe he doesn't have a girlfriend. He's made this vacation so fun for me. He's give me advice, brightened my day, made me laugh, picks around with me constantly, and more over tells me I deserve better than what I've been setteling for. This is my epiphany for this summer. I don't deserve the shit some people give me. I deserve to be respected and told I'm beautiful and that I matter. I deserve to have promises people make to me kept. It's not just normal to have my hearted crushed. He's made me realize that I have been taking things that I shouldnt have to deal with. Don't screw me over because now I'm not taking it anymore. I won't waste my time with that shit anymore. Anyway I'm going to miss him...he's like a brother to me.

Bryce, Rachel, and I went to a club tonight because Rachel's older friend knew how to get us in was so hot. The DJ was the fuckin best and we danced until like 2 am so I'm hella tired but I had so much fun. At one point there was a little crowd having a dance contest and Bryce told me to go out there but i was like no way. Anyway so me and Rachel finally got in the middle and they were yellin "go white girls go white girls" it was a riot. Some guy tried to buy me a drink but I said no thanks and then he said "Well I just wanted to tell you I think your gorgeous. I saw you across the room and you've got smooth moves there" I was like "er okay well thanks a lot I gotta go now. They're playin my song" And that was it. Anyway we had a fun time.

Spoke to Stephen on the phone Saturday. I think he was either tired or upset about something and Bryuce kept bothering me about who he was, what we were, and etc so whatever. He got my package though and I'm glad. Just in time. I really hope he has fun in Spain. And people have asked me how can I trust him if he's all the way over there but I do, I trust him with my entire heart. I just hope I'm right. Anyway Spain will be good for him. Just like this is good for me. Visiting Heather is becomming more and more unlikely because I'm riding back with Meadow or Tim Friday and mum is gay about everything. Oh well I tired. Maybe I can go see her on my winter break or something. We'll see. But now I have to get some sleep because I get up at 6 am to go fishing with Tim.

(Last Entry)

7/18/03 Friday Morning
1 AM:Well here it is, the last night here, and I'm so not ready to go. I'm going to miss everyone, everything...well except the flesh-eating bird-sized mosquitos and the horrible void of sweet tea. Anyway the past few days have been pretty eventfull. Wednesday we went to the public lake a few miles down the road. I was the one thrown in first and made into a human sand castle but all the same we had a great time. Said goodbye to Uncle Jack and his family. It was sad to see them go and I'm going to miss Bryce a lot but he's going to Myrtal Beach next week so he'll be coming right by Clinton. Maybe I'll join him and have one last get away before school starts back. Speaking of hell...we were actually given a summer assaignment. Read this boring long-ass book, do 10 journal entries on it, do an essay, and turn it in on the first day of school. Can you believe that bullshit? Pretty soont hey'll roll out with the gay ass uniforms. Oh I heard from Dad that my room is finally done. After 4 months it's done. I've made a list of what I need to do once I get back.

1. Start AND finish the book and the report.
2. Pain my walls, buy carpet, and move furniture back in. Redecoration. Yay!
3. Turn in my application to Ingles in Clinton...and Laurens.
4. School shopping.
5. Develop pictures.
6. Send Gabe's letter and start on Heather's package.

...and that's it, for now anyway. The girls and I went shopping in Eagle River today and that was a lot of fun. I looked and looked for Heather but nothing seemed perfect. I looked for Stephen and Gabe but didn't find anything suting them either. Not a successfull shopping day.

I'm not going to get to see Heather and I know she is gonna be POd about it but Mom is planning on staying for a while, stopping by different places and she might not be back by the time school starts. Plus I have a ton of things to get done. But my first paycheck I get will go to Heather for getting a ticked to come and see me. Or me go see her. Whatever's best.

I've come to the conclussion that I need to go see my cousin's grave in Mass. I'm pretty sure Mom will let me fly up there for that and on the way I might go see Gabe. I need closure because it's like she isn't gone. I also need to be out on my own for a bit just to sort out my thoughts about different things. I'm starting to think differently lately. A more positive outlook on things. All this helplessness and weakness that have taken me me captive, I'm breaking free. I'm not afraid of these feelings anymore because I can overcome them. I want to be happy. Screw you if you disagree with me. This is my life. I'm going to live it. This is the end.

I don't expect you to read this but I told someone I'd do it so here it is. Have fun.
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10:32pm 04/07/2003
  MMM cold pepsi is sooooo refreshing on a hot summer day. So the fourth of July was a blast. Got up, spoke to Stephen for a bit, went over to Tim's and ate so much food I just about burst. Then I took a nap and went with April to the store and then went over to her apartment where they were having a mini party. I got named MISS FOURTH OF JULY because I beat all the guys in the videogame Halow or something. Shot some fireworks, had a few laughs, and then went to Meadow's and shot off more fireworks. Now i'm here at their house watching cartoons and the kids for $20.00 until 12 tomorrow. And that was my day. Weee.

Looks like I'm leaving for Wisconsin with John and Smokey Sunday. So I have tomorrow to get packed, send Stephen's package, and make my phone calls. Oh my lordy I love this cartoon...The kids next door yay yay, I love number 4. Next is Scooby Doo and then it's Courage TCD! Hurrah! Anyway, I miss Heather lots and lots. I feel so bad for leaving abruptly last time. Mother went crazy and I freaked. And...I'm sorry.

I'll keep a journal during the trip and I have roaming so feel free to call at anytime you want. You should all have my number now, use it. I'll miss you guys. I'll be back in 2 or more weeks. We'll just see what happens. Lots of Love,

     Read 1 - Post
12:33pm 03/07/2003
  Clinton Man, 19, Drowns At Lake Rabon

Teen Jumped Into Water, Never Came Up

POSTED: 6:07 p.m. EDT June 12, 2003

GREENVILLE, S.C. -- A 19-year-old Clinton man jumped into a Laurens County lake and never came up again, friends said.

Stanley Holm Easter III was swimming in Lake Rabon late Tuesday afternoon when he was last seen

The coroner said that investigators found Easter's body about 3 hours after he jumped into the water.

Laurens County's chief deputy coroner said that he believes Easter's death was an accident.

Copyright 2003 by TheCarolinaChannel. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

And that's all there was on him. ONE fucking article.
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02:11am 03/07/2003
  she did it again. dont know how much more i can take. of course i forgave her again and there's been no mention to anyone. and i love my mother too much to shame her.

i miss you. i miss what we had in the beginning. now it just seems like we dont really talk anymore. it makes me sick inside. i dont want to be another one of "those girlfriends". i want us to be perfect. i want to be there for you. i want love.

i'm losing my friends. i dont blame you. i wouldnt want to be my friend right now either. come back, i promise i wont talk about any of it anymore.

I'll be okay...everything will work out eventually.
12:16am 02/07/2003
  I'm sorry I just can't do this any longer. I give up.  
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01:54am 01/07/2003
  I'm staying up as late as I can. It's almost 2 am and I haven't gotten too sick so I'm doing good. Let's see. I leave for Wisconsin 1 week from today and holy hell I'm excited. Not particularly about seeing everyone...just getting away for a change. Although I miss gramma terribly and I haven't seen Uncle Jack and his family in years. And I'll get to see my friends that Rachel introduced me to last year. This reminds me I need to do some shopping soon for some warm PJ's. It gets nippy up there at night. Too bad I won't be spending the 4th of July there...those were always super. Mom and Pop seem to be fighting a lot more lately. I feel like I can't get away and as if I'm stuck in the middle. What I wouldn't give to just take my little brother and walk out and leave. Anyway, shit happens. Fighting happens. You just deal with it the best you can and try not to listen. Right, Ash? I will so have to come pick you up on my "Run away from home trip" hahahaha. We'll go see lotsa wicked concerts and cause meyhem everywhere. And we can pick other troubled teens up but there is to be no negative or depressing talk or they end up on the side of the road Lol. We'll listen to lots of Reel Big Fish. \m/ rawk on! hahahaha you're THE c00lest cat in town! Aww Smokey is snoring again, I love that little munchkin and no matter what Stephen says, he will not become a pimp...even if he can have all the bitches. Okay i'm goin delerious and I feel warm so I'd better stop typing so much haha. Love to you all. <3

04:53pm 29/06/2003
  I'm sick. And I'm running the risk of getting my ass beat for being out of bed. Had my ymess up but mother was in the room so I couldn't get to it until now. I've got a 103.2 temp and the chills. Anyway sooo if I get caught I won't be back on for a while. Call me sometime tonight if you feel like it. I'll have nothing to do but lay in bed and that can get quite boring. I'm lonely for someone to talk to so it doesn't matter when...just ring me. My mom is gonna MAKE me to go to the hospital if this thing gets any higher =\ I really shouldn't even be here right now but I wanted to talk to Stephen about something. Oh well, forget it. Back under the covers...