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Blurty for Hold your breath because u only makes things worse.
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004 |
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I decided I did not want to make it friends only. xxzzxxolliexxzzxx |
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Today sucked. I felt negative and pessimistec all fucking day long. I got in to a huge fight with my supposed 'best' friend. Yeah....she told me to put myself in her shoes. I wish I could live ehr life. She has no pain..she gets whatever she wants, when she wants. Never experienced depression or anything remotely like it. Never experienced suicide. Or the desire to. Never lost a friend. Never seen a friend die. Never got stoned. Never smoked. Never used a drug. Never got pregnant. Never been in an abusive realitonship. Never been stabbed by the asshole who controlled the fucking relationship. Never been pushed down the stairs. Never had her best friend make her cry. Never cut herself. Never been in love. Never had her heart broken. Never had a real cry. Never lost ehr best friend. Never seen a friend put a gun in his mouth and shoot himself and die in her arms. I miss Kyle. Never experienced anyhting other than ghetto. Never been to Toxic. Man, I hate this. b a c k i n t o w h a t i t h o u g h t i k n e w t h e s e w o r d s i n s i d e m e t e l l m e w h a t t o d o m y h e a r t h e l d i n t h e p a l m o f y o u r h a n d f o r g e t m y n a m e Yeah...whatever. I looked back to..what was it..Wednesday and everything was good. I sounded liek a fucking prep for all I know. God...fuck it all. I think I am going to make this a friends only....I don't like the fact that anyone can read this. So yeah...Friends only it becomes. |
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I dunno...er, I might go to mall. I have to dress..'semi-normal' according to my friends. Eh, whatever. Last night Rick was threatening to call cops on me if I didn't throw away my gun. Then he told me that if I ever did it he would kill himself right after. You do that. And we got to talk about pornography in religion today. And casual sex. And sexism. And racism. It was fun...then I got highliter all over me. Damned higliter wars...I dropped it down the right side of my chest...then the guys were pointing and laughingall day. It was quite amusing. Then I fell into the door. And I think I tripped over my chair earlier...and I fell off my chair twice at lunch as a result from a water bottle war. Tina and I made the Pepsi bottle wear a tinfoil condom and then it broke and then it leaked. And then the water came sloshing out all voer me. And my Pepsi exploded after Gab shook it and tightened the cap. Every day this happens...yeah....weirdos we are. Whatever..Tina gave me cookie. It was chocolate chip...and...it tasted good. And then I just cahnged into a new skirt o' mine and my mom flipped a shit 'cause it is black with red lines and has some buckles and such...oh well. xxzzxxolliexxzzxx '...but you, you know....you were my favorite...' |
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| Wednesday, March 24th, 2004 |
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Ricky <3 and Lilly are here. Damn, the guy from Senses Fail is so fucking hot....but not hotter than my Ricky. He has niccccccccccccccccce hands. SOrry about that. I kinda got distracted ;D. HOly mother. I can't get over the fact that the gur from Senses Fail is really really hot. But Ricky is hotter...I lvoe his eyes. And his hair of course. Me and ym hair fetish....hahah OLLIES A SEX KTTEN!!!!!!!!! Oh my..<--written by Ricky. I need to go. Ricky and I want to....yeah. xxzzxxolliexxzzxx |
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To take this handgun to my eyes A n d w a t c h m y c e l l s s t a r t t o r i s e The flesh now starts to break as the Bullet enters like a snake Through one side of my head A n d o u t t h e o t h e r o n e A n d I ' m t o o s c a r e d t o l i v e t o n i g h t Too bare to shed my plight (Please tell me I'm not wanted) Watch the bones rip through my flesh A catharsis of my own distress (Please tell me I'm not wanted)............ |
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My friend Scott from school put his hands on my chest today..yeah. Kind of like having your brother do that. Ah, whatever. Mehehehe, sex kitten I am (lol) Yep. I AM HAPPY TODAY! I am looking forward to hooking up Saturday...me haven't since Sunday. No wait, last night. Hah. Anyway, it will be someone new, hopefully. Yeah...Ladidadidadida. I am actually happy right now. But err...yeah. I dunno.... xxzzxxolliexxzzxx "..the stars will cry, the blackest tears tonight..this is the moment that i live for..i can smell the ocean air.." |
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| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004 |
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>>You!! [x] Name: Elizabeth [x] Nickname Ollie, lyz, lyzzy, 'olyz' (( thank you tina )) [x] D.O.B.: 04.08 ((april eighth for the slow ones..no joke )) [x] Location: Massapequa Park, NY [x] Righty Lefty?: righty [x] Baseball Soccer?: They both suck [x] Zodiac: uhh....aries? [x] Hair Color: blackish-brownish-reddish-blondish...ser [x] Hair Lengh: halfway down me back...growing it long :D [x] Eye Color: green [x] Current Mood: i honeslty feel like streaking [x] Current Time: 9:09 >> Favorites [x] Food: ummm.....ALL AMERICAN! ((local fast food)) BEST DAMNED HAMBURGERS! besides that I <3 Smarties. [x] Drink: super-supreme cherry icee [x] Resturant: Hard Rock, TGI Fridays, Taco Bell, and ALL AMERICAN! [x] Band: mm Matchbook Romance, Hijinx, Patent Pending, Finch [x] Music: Classics, metal, Emo...YEAH! [x] Book: Jay's Journal [x] T.V Show: umm....real world [x] Color: red, black [x] Sign of Effection: making out/feeling up [x] Clothes: yes, i wear those [x] Class: bransum's...shes a ditz...PAPER BASEBALL! [x] Place: florida...new hampshire <3 kent [x] Movie: white oleander, pirates of the carribean, finding nemo [x] Holiday: christmas [x] Animal: shark >> Love [x] Boyfriend Girlfriend? ricky [x] Straight, Gay or Bi? straight [x] PDA or No? sure, why not [x] Looks or Personality? personality..hair [x] Ur Type( i.e Hair color eyes height yaddah yaddah ) HAIR- shaggy >> Have You Ever? [x] Had Sex: accidently...i swear [x] Huged Random people: duh...... [x] Kissed someone you didnt know:....duh..... [x] Danced Naked? of course...w/ ricky..and other...::twiddles thumbs, whistles innncoently:: [x] Pissed Somewhere beside the bathroom? yeah [x] Got In A Fist Fight: yes..ima bitch [x] Regreted Something? i ahve no regrets >> Five Things that Your wearing right now? [x] bra [x] g-string...((longstory)) [x] socks [x].tahts it.... [x] >> Five Bands [x]finch [x]coheed and cambria [x]senses fail [x]fall out boy [x]matchbook romance >> Five Things You See/Hear [x]ummmm exhumed [x0 COMPUTER [x]puppy...i dunno it popped into my mind [x]umm paper [x] shower upstairs >> Five Main Goals In Life [x]have really hot sex... [x]live to twenty-five..no kidding, serious [x] [x] [x] >> Five huge dislikes [x]two-faced fake-ass drama queens [x]spiders [x]wanna-be niggles hahaha [x]yeah [x]okay >> Friends: Whos doing what? [x] Been Stabed? yes, jackass twist. i ahte him. he stabbed my leg...motherfucking abuser [x] Stabed someone: no [x] funniest? ME! [x] sweetiest: tina [x] trendiest: tina [x] hottest: ricky [x] most considerate: danny...i <3 him [x] dumbest: lilly.... [x] druggie? gerard [x] soon to be famous: we all suck ^^ [x] most likely to suceed: actually, myself. the rest either dropped out or are failing out >> If You Could [x] move somewhere: umm, alaska? [x] meet someone famous: uhh matchbook romance, they hot [x] get something: cheap sex..hey! a band! hahahaha i <3 you ricky >> Aim WHORE! [x] over used word? mad wicked [x] who do you talk to the most? tina, lilly, danny..gerard, veroncia. them [x] person online the most dunno: me and veronica....we are AIM whores [x] dumbest computer skills: my mom >>Five things that don't impress you... [x]ghetto [x]ghetto [x]ghetto [x]ghetto [x]ghetto >>Five things you cant live without... [x]music [x]computer [x]ricky [x]umm..bed? [x]sex >>Five things you'll do when you complete this... [x]aim [x]listen to music [x]burn a cd for someone [x]dance..seriosuly [x]watch TV >>Five things you feel right now... [x]horney [x]rickys hands [x]horney [x]rickys hands [x]horney ^^ I stole this from chels00.....:D |
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| Bleh. I went from happy to FUCK IT in about ten minutes. Talk about PMS. Or depression chemicals. Whatever the hell you want to call it. Meh....I feel like I am being ripped into shreds. I feel like dying every fucking day. It would be so much easier. But eh, me still here...lucky I am...after..'that'. Yeah. Whatever. Surrounding myself in gloom won't help. Yeah....pretending to be happy in school and around those people isn't a stroll in the park on a sunny day. They aren't the main cause of everything, but they help. I just want to scream, "GET A DAMNED CLUE, YOU PUSILLANIMOUS IDIOTS! FINDING OUT THE GUY YOU LIKE DOESN'T LIKE YOU AT ALL DOES NOT QUALIFY AS HAVING A BAD DAY! WATCHING YOUR BEST FRIEND SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE MOUTH ON YOUR ROOF IN FRONT OF YOU IS!" I needed to get that out. Yeah. Ah....whatever. Just fuck everything all the time. Whatever | ||||||||
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I had a wonderful night last night. First good one in a long time. I don't deserve it. Anyway, I walk into my room after Lauren fell asleep and Ricky was watching porn. It was quite hilarious, actually. We sat there for a while..all curled up in a ball...feels nice to have someone holding you. He saw a pic of my close buddy, Tina, and was like...she has a nice chest. It's about a D...your only in between B and C. It is kind of frightening that he knows bra sizes so well...Ah, he wants me to quote "switch racks with her." Yeah, Ricky, I am so going to do that. He's all...well, I have a nice penis, you can at least get implants for me. Or am I not turning you on enough?..Ricky, you turn me on plenty. Too much. I forgot to bring extra shorts foor under my uniform today...and it was mad uncomfortable. << If you know what I mean. Yeah..me, THE sex kitten. Mwahahaha. Christina's party is on Saturday, I hope we play....spin the bottle. Seven Minutes in Heaven would be better, but there aren't enough couples and I cannot bring Ricky. What with his chains and such her mom would flip a shit. [ christina (sti) is kind of ghetto, but she's cool ] And the giuy I kind of like is going and he ahs amde out with some people before is going...yeah...Ricky and I are loose about that. We are strictly emotions relaitonship...sex and such we can do with whomever. Hmm...some think it odd but it works. Yeah. So I am pretty much looking forward to hooking up with someone new on Saturday...Hmm, damned braces. Thank goodness I am getting them off within two months. It shall be weird, I have, according to Ricky 'adapted' to kissing and such with them on. I shall think of nicer 'adaptations' w/o them. Woot woot. Yeah. No. So yeah...today is Sti's actual birthday, not like she is reading this. Happy birthday anyway. Yeah...Err...I need to make prints now. Should be fun. xxzzxxolliexxzzxx "..the air is clearing again we're breathing, water tunrs to wine. the day is fire the night's inside her now she is alive.." |
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004 |
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Yeah, to continue about yesterday.... Lilly climbs in after I call her and tell her to. Yeah..And she came down into my basement. Ricky came outta the attic and came down. We had much fun. We called up Danny [ who was in town w/ Lilly visiting ] and he invited his friend from around here [ Dana ] who brought two more guys and one more girl. We had a little party with my mom upstairs sleeping. Fun. We were all stoned in about an hour and I look up and Dana and this other guy were having sex on my basement bed. We videotaped it. Mwahahahaha...BLACKMAIL! Anyway, Ricky tackled me while both of us were stoned and we fell onto this big pile of cushions and we jsut layed tehre for a second and started making out and feeling each other up mad crazy. He has mad good hands. And a nice tongue ring..I love playing w/ guys tongue rings. And eh has nice hair now. The Liberty Spikes were mad wicked but I like the shiny black shaggy/kinda short thing he has going now. Man he's so damn fine. And with eight inches I cannot complain....mwahahahaha. Yeah...Lil, today Patent Pending may rock your socks but tomorrow Bayside shall. Behotch! Bust out the tequila...damn right. I didn'f really feel like mkaing this thing not the simple page for the music and mood and shit so I am in a good mood and I am lsitening to "White Riot" by The Clash. Yeah.... xxzzxxollie aka lyzzy aka "olyz" <--thanks tinaxxzzxx |
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Hah...well we didn't go upstate tomorrow. My mom got food poisoning and my dad worked the late shift..yes. My dad alwasy works the late shift...he has too...and the bitch of my mother deserves food poisoning. Yes..So..it was very amusing as Lilly came over to visit Ricky [ who has been hiding out in my attic for a week and will for another eleven days ] and myself. My two sisters were out...so we had fun. Lilly brought over much liquour..vaniall vodka, daquiris, rum, teqiulla and mudslides..she also brought mj over and I tried it some but I don't like it much.....I stick to being a stoner. Yeah...so err...yeah. Hah, it is kind of wrong having your b/f live i your attic, esp. when he is hiding from something you can't know what. God..I <3 him to death. Yeah, to continue. Sex, I just found this poem someone wrote years back, maybe two or three years ago, and it made me smile... I was drowning in a sea of liquor. I washed up on a shore of cocaine. I looked up and the sky was LSD. And the trees were made of marijuana. And when the cops came.. They didn't arrest me, they sucked my cock. Yeah...I just looked at my random crap and it made me think.. ^^ The crap I thought of is on the link for my webpage. Yeah.... Meh..I wanna drop outta school. But then again I have brains and yeah I am carrying on like an utter fuckface. xxzzxxolliexxzzxx |
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| Sunday, March 21st, 2004 |
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Really bored. I ahe to go upstate later on today......joy. With my 'rents. Double joy. To visit their friends.. Triple joy. xxzzxxolliexxzzxx Without a sound......And I wish you away |
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004 |
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I don't take criticism well. I was looking at ym comments and such..and I realized on what an obnoxious jackass I come off as. I word things completley wrong...and when people corect ymself I get pissed. I have a desire to just...err...do something stupid. Eh, w/e... You can cry all you want I don't care how much... xxzzxxolliexxzzxx |
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Well, today sucked. Tell me something that isn't typical. I woke up, got yelled at. Cleaned. Got yelled at s'more. Then got yelled at s'more. Then got yelled at a lot more. Yep.... Then I had a volleyball practice. My coach fucking sucks. He si out tog et me. Hell, the world is out to get me. Save me mommy.... No, mommy can burn in hell. Mwahahahaha... Yep..so then I got home. And guess what... I got yelled at. Then I had a volleyball game against my smoking friend. Hah Kels, you can shoot me when you get this. By the way, Kels, you're a loser. Hahahahahahah. I am such a bitch. [ peace, love and birth control ] And my coach yelled at me. Then...my dad yelled at me for goofing off. I am such a complete waste of life. So then I broke down. [ aka, panic attack ] And flipped a shit. I still am. So when I got home, I went up in my room. I listened to Finch some, 'cause I am weird like that. Yeah. And, randomness or what, I picked up scissors and stabbed myself. In the leg, only about an inch deep. And then I cut. Which I don't know why as I stopped a long time ago. ^^ Loser. I ahve Yellowcard stuck in my head... "..think of all the chances I never had to say. Thank you for giving up your life that day.." Dedicated to Branon. *Sigh*, to bad the lyrics are true. You would have been better off if you didn;t know me. I fuck up everyones lives. Hah, I am good at that. I am SUCH a bitch/whore. Yep........ Later-ness much, xxzzxxolliexxzzxx |
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Dance was tonight. Nothing special. Rich kids in overpriced dresses dancing to rap. Oh joy, shoot me quickly. I pretended to be ghetto. How the hell do they live? The music sucks. Period. Ah, well....umm, ...yeah. Wow, I am truly a dumbass. All I can come up with is..yeah..what the fuck? I must be some real loser. Hmm...I got my nails and toes done! I was hysterical. It icked when they washed me feet. Then I tripped over the chair. And smudged my nail. And my hair looked funny. Hehehehe...they loved me. Well...err.....must go. Yeah. I need to go wee. This time I mean the sitting-down-on-a-toilet-and-pissing-wee. Yep. So, I really need to wee. Wheee.....merry-go-rounds are fun. I think I'm stoned. I'm still contemplating suicide. But I am way too cowardly. And arrogant. And obnoxious. And emo. Emo..that was random. But I thought I should throw it in there. You know, just for fun....yeah. But yeah... Umm.... I'll leave you alone now. G'nite. Don't let anyone bite. I mean the bed bugs. I mean, wtf, bed bugs? Are they gonna come up and eat your ass....bugs don't live i your bed. You do. Yeah.... xxzzxxolliexxzzxx |
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| Friday, March 19th, 2004 |
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Yeah. I am grounded...no comp or phone. I have five minutes if someone calls my house so I can make plans. My 'rents make no fucking sense. I don't even know why I am grounded...my mom said something like...your no good bitches. Sorry mom, maybe I should die, then would you be happy? I know I would be. Well, school was nothing special. I fell out of my chair in Relgion...it was fun. I smiled. Woop de fucking woo. Umm....then someone asked me if I was a goth. Then someone said, no, I just looked weird to start with. Typical. Then uhh. Shit happened. My lfie happened. Other words, shit. Downcast mood right now. I still am. Wee. Did I just wee? Which means pee? I meant the wee goinf-down-a-slide-wee. Or the pee. It doesn't really matter. Hah....UTTERRAMBLING I am such a fucking random person. I gotta 91 on Science test today. Go me. Diarrhea. xxzzxxolliexxzzxx |
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004 |
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Well. Today sucked. My pessimest self kicked in. I wish to die right now. I have been downcast all day. Gloom around happy, ghetto people. It doesn't mix well. I despise people in St. Rose....They don't know how much they torture me, they do it unknowingly. Yet, as every day passes I drown in the comments, teh cruelties, mainly discrimanation. Then I had Girl Scouts tonight. I was happy, see my friends, hang out, joke around. That happened until the last twenty-five minutes. I couldn't take it anymore, I just went into the kitchen and cried. And cried. And cried. I cried s'more on my way home. I cried when I walked in tha house. I am crying now. This is the third time in a row...Too much pain, hate, and fear. No one really uderstands anything. At all. Two abusive relationships, one that I am still trying to get out of, six friends deaths, one my boyfriends, physical and emotional scarring, later, I can't take it anymore. My mind plays tricks on me....It really does. There's too much hate flouting around me, and I can't seem to make it all just go away. I weep my sorrows, then I drown in them. I feel like I am suffocating...Hah, I know you are all dying to be me. Ricky was here today. Just seeing him makes me hysterical. I love him way too motherfucking much. Like...I don't know. I miss him holding me in his arms....his kiss. I miss him withe very once of my being...I am such a hopeless loser. Yeah, I still have that gun. I am contemplating whether or not to use it...it would be stupid. And I can actually have a life. I have brains. ::suprise:: Yeah. It looks liek the easy way out right now. But alas, I could never do it. I am too much of a coward and I would miss Ricky too much. Too much uncertainty. Happy birthday Tina. I hope it is happy. With me as a friend, you never know. xxxolliexxx Peace, love, and birth control. Hah Kels, I <3 you. |
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004 |
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I am at an utter loss of words. I can't think back to the last time I was truly happy. It was so long ago. I fell into this meaningless life when I was nine. So much has happened since then. I became addicted to alcohol, lost six amazing friends, been through two abusive relationships...it has broken me emotionally and physically. Whenever I reach out for help, I am lectured on how I have to forget my past and get on with my life. Then I am told that my problems are so minimal, they are nothing. They have their own problems, don't weigh them down with mine. Sometimes I just break down completeley. I sit in my room, hysterical, and I have no way of stopping. I sit there for hours, crying, not even thinking. I am fighting a war within myself, on the outside I appear in control, making jokes...carrying on as if nothing happened. On the inside, it is a warpath. My will, my thoughts, my very brain are shattered. Shattered into a million pieces, and I can't seem to be able to pick them up. My body is destroyed from the countless years of drinking and self-mutilation. My very veins flow with hatred, for the world, for others, for myself. I am confused, on a twisting path that never seems to end. It gets more complicated every day. My boyfriend, Ricky, is here. He is upstairs in my room, as he is a secret. Everyone except my 'rents know about him. I am so happy he doesn't see me now....crying...I loce him so much. I don't knwo what I wold do if something happened to him. Right now, life seems so damned meaningless. The life I have, with the crooked path I have chosen, of drugs, sex, and alcohol is in ruins. My walls are crashing down. Everything I once knew has fallen apart. My life is in shambles...and I can't pick up the pieces. This is painful, writing all this down. I have thrown myself so far down into this well of depression that I can't even function correctly. If tehre is a correct way too function...I have a gun next to me, but I don't know if I should use it. It wouldn't be the first time... Brandon...I shouldn't be refreshing old wounds, but I loved you so much. I hate you for dying for me...you should have never met me. I ruined your life, and now I am paying the price. I feel so broken up...broken up...like giving up. I just wanna tell you so you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one. I let go, there's just no one, no one like you. You are my only, my only one..... xxxolliexxx |
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I am dancing... I cannot believe this...Ricky isn't dead. I cannot tell you all how much I fucking love him to fucking death. When he supposdley "died" I had a heart attack. Literally. But it was staged, and only me, Lilly, Veronica, Gerard [ lilly- our best friend ] [ V and G- his siblings ] and his 'rents know why. Only his 'rents know why they had to stage it. The rest of us don't know anything. But...he is here with me right now and that is all I can ask for. So yeah, school sucked. My 'rents suck. My friends suck. My life sucks. I suck...... [ Ricky- you suck my cock ] So, new South Park tonight. Two fucking episodes, behotch! Then Chapelle's show and The Family Guy... Oh yeah, Chapelle's show. Reminds me of Religion today. [ i unfortunetley go to a catholic school ] [ another reasons my 'rents suck ] We are doing temptation, and my teacher emphasizes Lust. So, we got this Assignment. You pick two shows, answer some questions. Mostly all of the guys [ and myself ] picked South Park. We're cool like that. Most guys [ not me ] picked Chapelle's Show. [ my other choice was the Family Guy ] One kid put that it "..promotes racism, foul lanuage, no christian values, and promotes the seven capital sins.." ^^ Pretty fucking funny, if you ask me. XxxolliexxX For you, I'd do anything. |
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See, I told you I was the slut. |
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Blurty for Hold your breath because u only makes things worse.
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