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Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
5:47 pm - can you please erase the past
so wow...I haven't been posting in a really long time...I guess my life took over a new path...

I've been thru a lot lately....

I've fallen in love with the most amazing person in the entire world...but the bad part is...he's hundreds of miles away from me...and I am not able to fall asleep in his arms like I am able to in my dreams...

Catch me before I fall...

current mood: cold
current music: Future Leaders of America

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Sunday, April 4th, 2004
5:40 pm - ++[A.Sidewalk.Dream]++
“TAKEN OVER”

I’m itching to bleed
And dying to smile
I’m waiting for the clouds to cry

The sun is at my back
Mocking my every move

I feel alone
Worthless and unaware
Of the bodies around me

Something is making me afraid
Afraid to breathe
Afraid to see what’s in front of me

Can’t you see that I’m not the same?
I’ve grown into HELL
And HELL has taken over

My scars are being re-opened
And being dug deeper than before
The sight of blood relaxes my soul

I’ve been fed HATE
And HATE’S taken over

**

I’ve lost my mind many times, and my wallet many more.

**

My favorite flavor of all
Is you

**

I'll be the first to fall
Into your arms
But you'll be the first
To drop me at your feet

**

I'm hungry for an enemy
To feed upon when I'm torn inside
I'm fighting every word you speak

current mood: giddy
current music: Story of the Year

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5:32 pm - +here+HERE+
BEST SONG EVER

Story of the Year--"Swallow The Knife"

So our open wounds will bleed
Until our veins run dry
Now we have to take this thorn
And tear it from our side
Agitated at the fault line
Still agreed to disagree
Your connected to the heart
But tonight we'll set you free

So swallow the knife
Carve the way for your pride
Now our hands are tied
The problems lie within
So we pray for night
To start over again

Even now as i write this down
All pretensions disappear
Now our impulses will bite
At the ankles of our fear

So swallow the knife
Carve the way for your pride
Now our hands are tied
The problems lie within
So we pray for night
To start over again

Now our hands are tied
The problems lie within
So we pray for night
To start over again

Words are spoken
Words are broken down

So lets make this night be our best mistake
So lets take the time to wipe the blood away
Now our hands are tied
And our world is caving in

Now our hands are tied
The problems lie within
So we pray for night
To start over again

Now our hands are tied
And the problems lie within
Words are spoken
Words are broken
Broken Down

current mood: thoughtful
current music: Story of the Year

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Thursday, April 1st, 2004
8:35 pm - *-"Set+!N+St0Ne"-*
I'm free
To be what I want to be
Say what I want to say
Do what I want to do

You aren't ready
To see me for who I really am
I've been dead for so long
I wonder if I still know how to breathe

My eyes are numb
From seeing the things
Only you wanted me to see

**********************

My blade is calling out my name
To cut away my tears
I can not give in
I don't have any more room
To carve out my pain
But I can still feel
That crisp blade
Gliding across my frozen flesh
I can still see
The velvet blood
Flowing from my terrified veins

In desperation
I draw a piece of art on my wrist
If I were to grab a blade
I'd carve out my drawings

I'm still holding strong
But I'l still slowly falling

I'll never leave my life unscarred
I'll always have a memory
A story
To feed along with each desperation mark
Upon my dead skin

current mood: blank
current music: The Lost Prophets

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Thursday, March 25th, 2004
2:05 pm - +++bleedingPORES+++
my hair is wet...my skin is cold...
im waiting for the phone to ring


blah blah blah...
that's all I hear


I got hit in the shin with a softball today at practice...it hurt like a biotch...it's all black, blue and purple...it's so cool...I wonder if it would bleed if I poked it with a needle...???


I hurt one of my best friends...I don't know what to say to him...

current mood: guilty
current music: the used

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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
2:52 pm - <<<<>>>>>>
ALL IS LOST

I was born of faith
But died of hate
All charity has been lost
When the gate crashes open

I fear nothing but life
And I feel nothing but pain
I see nothing but blurry tears
And I hear nothing but cries

I can't breathe when I dream
Because my tears are choking me
My hands are gripping the sheets
As my heart stops its dance...


**********************

I haven't cut in a month and a half...I did one of the worst things I could have ever done on February 12...I ended up in the hospital...so now I don't cut anymore....hooooray!!

*******************************************************

I finally have someone I can call my own...Kyle...he's so darn cute...but I'm bound to mess things up and call it quits after a while...cuz I a beast like that.

current mood: giddy
current music: Diffuser

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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
12:08 pm - --STOP--BRINGING--ME--DOWN--
I hate how you feel...I hate how you make me feel...

Here I am trying to make you feel better...and you blow me off like there's no tomorrow...
I'm sorry for what happened...and I know what happened...and it makes me feel like shit...
I don't think you know how much I care for you...
When I say "I want to make sure that you are alright"...I MEAN IT!! I'm not putting on a show just to make myself look better...I really care about you...and I'm starting to think that you don't give a shit about me...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

I'm so confused right now...I'm pissed....torn...scared...angry...sick...sad...all mixed together...

I don't know what to do right now...I don't know what to say to make you feel better...I'm sorry...I don't know what's wrong...I need to know you're alright...

current mood: crushed
current music: I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE

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11:58 am - **(!T'5)__
Hoobastank
From The Heart

There was a time when our dreams felt so real
Just out of reach but not too far to feel
Together we'd finally make then come true
'Cause anythings possible when i was with you
But they kept on saying we'd never amount to anything....

All of the dreams we built up from the ground
They never believed them they just tore them down
We will rebuild them from the start, we will rebuild them from the heart

'Cause once all we wanted seemed so far away
But with everystep it was closer each day
The more that we tried it was within our grasp
The more that they told us that it wouldn't last
And everyone said we were crazy for giving up everything....

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hoobastank
Lucky

I knew how it felt to be another one in need of someone to show the way
until you saw a part of me that nobody else could see and my life hasn't been the same...

[Chorus]
you make me feel lucky as I can be...

before I couldn't get a break, never had a chance to the impressions I want to
but now it falls right into place when I get to see your face then there's nothing that I can do...

no more dark days, only sun rays
no more hard ways with you today

you make me feel....

-----------------------------------------

Music keeps me going...I don't know about the rest of ya'll...but I'd die without the beat of music...which is also the beat of our hearts...

I'm a dork for saying this, but I wish that I had an accent. I love British accents...they sound so awesome...but my second favorite accent is Australian! "Let's put anotha shrimp on tha bahbie!"<--wooooooow...that's hot.

Let's didn't and say we...uh...didn't. <-- How's that sound?

current mood: lazy
current music: "Honey"--soundtrack

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Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
9:39 pm - ----BrOkEn-----
I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!! >:o

Savannah...omg...I never knew we were so much alike...it's awesome. I hope you know how much you mean to me...I mean really. You are amazing! I heart you so much. If we don't hang out soon I am going to go madly insane...even though I practically am insane...meh! that's alright. If you ever need someone...I'll be here for you, alright? xoxoxo love you!

--------------------------------------------------------

Even though the sun comes up every day...it's still always dark where ever I am.

Ummm...can we say "Hate Box"???

----------------------------------------

I want to know that you're dead inside...feeling nothing...nothing at all...just what I feel...thanks to you and every piece of shit you've put me through...

Everywhere I look...I'm blinded by the visions you have emplanted in my brain...making me see things in a wide blur...making it very difficult to stand up and face you.

current mood: drained
current music: "Grind" soundtrack

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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
4:12 pm
My Immortal
by Evanescence


I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

current mood: crazy
current music: mooooosic

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Monday, January 12th, 2004
5:45 pm
~*OH MY GOSH...I AM SO BORED I DECIDED TO PASTE IN MY "AWAY MESSAGES" FOR AIM...HAHA ENJOY--I am totally a dork and I'm in such a weird mood right now!...so bare with me!*~

sometimes you just have to leave for a while and shed some tears to feel better about life...hey...it's better than shedding blood...so I'm all for it...

oh man...life is good being free.

dangit...I lost my eye again

Hey...don't you love it when something goes away and you just feel so much better? eh? ;-)

Dude...I heart Elvis...he should come back to life and meet me...then like...life would be kick ass. WOOT WOOT!

looking for gold at the end of the rainbow...

I have gone away to a place that can make me happy...or at least content for a while.

I love you...but hey...if I don't...just keep telling yourself that and then maybe one day it'll come true!

i wanna die...hope that's okay

sometimes you have to let go of everything and just SCREAM>:o

I'm lying here dead...with nothing left but a frown and a frozen tear gently making its way across my cold face

music somewhere has caught my attention

"Pardon me sir, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"

looking for a pain free life...

some people need to get a life

some people have WAY too many problems...it makes me all sick inside...

I'm counting my scars...

I'm rotting away in the corner

hey...turn on ur radio and sing with me

STORY TIME!!!!
Okay...Once upon a time, there was a handsome princess *haha*. She was in love with the most wonderful man in the world, her father's sister's friend's nephew's friend's little brother's teacher's son's worst enemy. He was GORGEOUS! Like the drop dead kind. So...one day, she decided to visit him at the clinic *you see...he wasn't very sane, but who cares, he was hot* <--that's all the handsome princess could think about. So she soon found herself in the prescense of her true love, or so she thought. Once she was in his sight, he ate her. The end.

suck it

take a number

current mood: geeky
current music: Elvis Presley!!!--he rocks! I *heart* him!

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Thursday, January 8th, 2004
6:54 pm - --[!m+D0n3+W1th+Th15+5h!t+]--
cut
bleed
suffer
die
------------------
it hurts to breathe
so i will just stop
-------------------
"STAINED WITH BLOOD"

What happened to me?
Why do I hate the world?
Why does it seem as though everyone is screaming
For my heart to stop?
For my breath to cease?
For my hands to fall?

I can't see through my tear-filled eyes
My hands stained with blood
I wipe the tears away

Crying doesn't work anymore
Breathing hurts

My heart has been ripped out
Stepped on
Crushed
Broken into a million pieces

You stare
You gawk
I stand still
I don't move
Until the dead silence
Is broken
---------------------
I drift in and out of sleep
I can't control my dreams

They haunt me till I scream
Till I break a sweat
Till I can't breate anymore

Nothing is real in this place
No real touch
No real emotion
No real pain

Inside here
You feel an animated touch
An animated rack of emotions
An animated amount of pain

What makes it so hard to wake up?

Dreams grab out inner most desires
And shatters them in its hands...
----------------------------------------
if you see me crying...please just walk away...I have nothing to say to you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You knew what would make me happy...what would make me smile...
You took it away from me...
You always get what you want!!!
I fucking hate this
I hate how you only care about your shit
You never give anything a second look
You want it
YOU GET IT
--------------
stop knocking on my soul
no one's home

current mood: pissed off
current music: punk mix

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Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
9:16 pm - -H.A.T.E-
Why does the world hate me?
Why do I hate the world?

Why can't I ever just be happy with one person? Why do I always have to find someone, then fall for many others while I'm in the arms of that someone? What is wrong with me??!??!??!

I can't breathe...

L.o.S.i.N.g>>>
A.l.L<<<
p.A.t.I.e.N.c.E>>>

I have to let go...leave it all behind...without looking back...we should be able to forget.
I don't want to remember...remember how I hurt you...
That look in your eyes...
That crack in your voice...
That tear on your cheek...
I have to let you go...

current mood: frustrated

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Sunday, January 4th, 2004
7:11 pm - {B3F0R3} & [@FT3R]
I don't understand how I can be sooo happy one minute and then the next...I wanna kill myself to make all my anger, depression, sickness, pain, sadness, etc. all go away. I swear...it makes me physically sick to think about why I am alive right now...because I can't find a reason.

What is it about life that makes people so happy? Whatever it is...I don't have it.

Can't I just for once wake up and taste a smile? I mean really...what do happy people have that I don't have? I just want to know why I always have to be the one who gets crapped on.

...and live my own life...

current mood: morose
current music: Simple Plan

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Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
12:56 pm - "N07H!NG"
H H A TTTTTTTTTTTT EEEEEEE
H H A A T E
H H A A T E
HHHHHH A A T EEEE
H H A AAAAAA A T E
H H A A T E
H H A A T EEEEEEE


I hate the world...and the world hates me.

[If you see me bleeding...just walk away]

+=Don't ever look back...I won't be there...alive at least=+

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS...I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND NEVER COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: pissed off
current music: Johnny Lang

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Thursday, January 1st, 2004
6:04 pm - +G1V1NG+UP+ = +L3TT!NG+G0+
I don't know how to deal with this anymore...it's like...I've been shot...and everyone around me just stands there...not making a sound...staring...gawking...my life is a blur...

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"-- yeah right. Nice try.

I think hate looks like a big black room with blood splattered on the walls with shrunken heads on burning poles and the person you hate the most in a cage in the middle with the cage set on fire.

I think I need to change my sn to depressedpantz20--that fits me better

current mood: lonely
current music: John Mayer

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3:16 pm - thingy
:x: name = Kelsie
:x: piercings = 1 hole in each ear
:x: tattoos = no
:x: height= 5'4.5”
:x: shoe size = 9.5
:x: hair color = light brown
:x: siblings = 2 sisters and 2 brothers

LAST...
:x: movie you rented = dumb and dumberer
:x: movie you bought = Finding Nemo
:x: song you listened to = Jingle Bell Rock
:x: song that was stuck in your head = Jingle Bell Rock
:x: cd you bought = John Mayer
:x: cd you listened to = a mix of punk and metal
:x: person you've called = Heather
:x: person that's called you = Heather
:x: tv show you've watched = Fairly Odd Parents
:x: person you were thinking of = Matt and Blake

DO...
:x: you have a crush on someone = oh yeah
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = of course
:x: you think about suicide = no comment
:x: you believe in online dating = nope
:x: others find you attractive = I dunno…I hope so…but I would have to ask to be sure
:x: you want more piercings = yeah
:x: you like cleaning = no only when I’m really really pissed
:x: you like roller coasters = hell yeah!
:x: you write in cursive or print = print…I’m dumb with that cursive crap

FOR OR AGAINST...
:x: long distance relationships = both
:x: using someone = against
:x: suicide = both
:x: killing people = against
:x: teenage smoking = against
:x: driving drunk = against
:x: gay/lesbian relationships = for
:x: soap operas = against

HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a girl= my friends yeah
:x: ever cried over a boy = yes
:x: ever lied to someone = yes
:x: ever been in a fist fight = yeah
:x: ever been arrested = no

WHAT...
:x: shampoo do you use = Daily Defense
:x: shoes do you wear = my Rowley vans or my bowling shoes…they are so awesome! Even though I can’t bowl haha
:x: are you scared of = being alone, spiders, drowning, being crushed, to never be loved

NUMBER...
:x: of times I have been in love? = 3
:x: of times I have had my heart broken? = to many to count
:x: of hearts I have broken? = ummmmmmm…..?
:x: of girls I have kissed? = umm no comment
:x: of boys I have kissed? = umm no comment
:x: of girls I've slept with? = none
:x: of boys I've slept with? = none
:x: of people I would classify as ue, could trust with my life type friends? = 2
:x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?= 2 x I think
:x: of scars on my body? = lots
:x: of things in my past that I regret? = oh man…don’t go there

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty – don’t know
:x: funny – don’t know
:x: hot – don’t know
:x: friendly – I try my best
:x: amusing – I don’t know
:x: ugly - sometimes
:x: loveable – I try my best
:x: caring - yes
:x: sweet – I do my best
:x: dorky – haha ohhhh yeah

favorite:
5 letter word: hyper
actor/actress: seann William-scott/drew barrymore
Candy: starburst
Cartoon: Family Guy, Fairly Odd Parents
Cereal: Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Chewing gum: orbit
Color(s): black, red, blue
Color nail polish: pink, black, red
Day of week: Friday
Least fave day: monday
Flower: Rose
Jello flavor: red kind
Jewelry: rings and necklaces
Special skills/talents: writing, burping
Summer/Winter: winter
Trampolines or swimming pools: swimming pool

|| Person who last.. ||
Slept in your bed: me
Saw you cry: Heather
Made you cry: don’t know
You went to the movies with: Heather
mad at you: me
Sent you an email: Stu

|| Have you ever.. ||
Said "I love you" and meant it?: yeah
Gone out in public in your pajamas: all the time
Kept a secret from everyone: yeah
Cried during a movie: yeah
Ever at anytime owned new kids on the block stuff: no
Planned your week based on the TV Guide: I’m not that dull haha
Been on stage: yeah
Been to New York: yeah
Been to California: yeah
Hawaii: no
China: no
Canada: no
Europe: no
Asia: no
South America: no
Australia: no
Wished you were the opposite sex: only when I’m on my period haha
What time is it now?: 3:48
Apples or bananas?: apples
Blue or red?: red
Walmart or target?: wal mart…less expensive
Spring or Fall?: Fall
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: chores
What was the last meal you ate?: lunch (pizza from last night)
High school or college?: high school
Are you bored?: yes
Last noise you heard?: washing machine
Last smell you sniffed?: my cat…she was wet…from the rain haha
Last time you went out of state/province?: summertime

|| Friendship/Love ||
Do you believe in love at first sight?: yeah
Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: at the most 3
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: trust and honesty

|| Other Info ||
Criminal record?: none…as far as I know
Do you speak any other languages?: Japanese (sorta…I’m taking the class now haha)
Last book you read: Remember Me—Mary Higgins-Clark
Name some of your favorite things in your bedroom?: my bed…my tree (fake), lava lamp
Thing you dislike about yourself the most: I don’t have enough time
Worst feeling in the world: being told you’re not worth anything
Who you love: my friends and family
Who you miss: my uncle


|| You ||
Nickname(s): Kels, K. Bizzle, K.B, Peach, Sessie Lou (thanks mom), I don’t know if there are more
Initials: KLB
How old do you look?: umm prolly between 15-17
How old do you act?: young
Glasses/Contacts: both
Braces: nope
Do you have any pets?: yeah, 2 cats
What makes you happy?: music, friends, writing, dancing, talking with people
What upsets you?: random things

|| Have you ever.. ||
Thought you were going to die: yes
Wanted to Run away: yes
Flunked a grade: nope
Skipped a grade: nope

current mood: dorky

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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
4:14 pm - --R@!N 0N ME--
break me into pieces
watch me as i live, aching
you've been such a big help
knocking me back down
to a place where i hide all my cries

* [I keep forgetting to breathe] *

I got my hair cut today...

I'm going to California on Tuesday with my family... I'm excited to meet my mom's side of the family... I haven't yet...

I went to Bogus yesterday with Heather...I am so sore now...I forgot how much it hurts the first day.

current mood: cold
current music: New Found Glory

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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
7:18 pm - [Hu.RtS*]-so-(G00D)*
this blade in my throbbing flesh
...it hurts so good
the blood carrying my anger away
i'm left with only tears of relief

i hope it leaves a scar
so i can see all the shit i've gone through
i've made it pretty far

my heart beats slower
as i get a start on the natural high
that comes with the exhale

knowing i've gone deep enough
i glide it across my skin
to create an open wound
it's all so beautiful

the first sting makes you jump
carving deeper every time

the pain is relaxing
now people will know
not to mess with me

ahhh...
it hurts so good

current mood: relaxed

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Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
10:47 pm - Creepy...but what I feel
***IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...ASK ME THRU COMMENTS AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU***

Giving in...like a child for candy
I thought I could contain myself
But your rustless, shiny body
Sharper than ever...
How could I have forgotten?

Tacky...I know
You get my pain and anger out of me
Quite easily, actually

Drip...
Drip...

I stained the carpet again
My pain won't wash away
I knew this was a trick
You with your evil smirk
Behind the shade

To hell with it

Drip...
Drip...
Drip...
Dri..
Dr...
D...
...

Plop

Look what you've made me do
At least I don't have to deal with you anymore

HA! Look, there I am
This is a great view

Wait...what?
Drip...
Drip...

Damnit...
Here I go again...

Drip...
Drip...

current mood: cold
current music: I DON'T CARE

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