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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
jazmine0116
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12:29p
my story..
i'm a single mother of two working as a bookkepper at a luxury hotel. my dream is to become a published writer. i'm using my job as a bookkeeper to pay my bills, take care of my kids and go to school. in my spare time i clean, play and take care of my kids, work out, and write. i love music also. school is incredibly important to me. writing is incredibly important to me. that's why i have this job. my babies are essential to me like air or food and water. they are the reason i work so hard. them and my heart. my heart would shrivel up and disintegrate if i didn't follow my dreams..
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(comment on this)
jazmine0116
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10:05a
i am sooooooooo unfocused at the moment. i'm here at work. both of my bosses are gone. i should totally be worried about being on here because they're watching me very closely to see if i'm doing my job. poppycock. i'm absolutly NOT doing my job. i was pretty aggravated this morning. i wanted to smoke, then steven forgot the weed. since it was already in my head, i felt an extra sense of "i wanna get fucked up this morning". on top of the fact my father told steven not to heat his grand daughters bottle in the microwave. yes it's all kinds of bad...but shit, that steven's daughter. if he wants to heat shit up in a microwave he should be able to do so without a comment from the motherfucking peanut gallery. also, i've learned that i'm just a little bit crazy. the things that go through my mind sometimes are pretty scary. like, when i get upset. since i was aggravated this morning, i didn't care about anyone's feelings and i like to imagine inflicting physical pain on the person whom my disgruntled feelings are aimed towards at the moment. sometimes i imagine those things about the person who's simply closest to me at the moment. anyways, last thursday i said i wasn't going to go out. but i did. i made sure that i watched a movie and read stories with jose before i went, so i could at least say i spent time with him before bed..then i went to kahuna's. i met an interesting boy there. i say boy because that's what he is. a 25 year old boy. i went to highschool with him. he was a senior when i was a freshman and he was a drummer. i was in the flute line. i ended up taking him home. he was interesting to listen to. i thought about him a lot the next day. then not so much after the day was over. i hardley remember things about him. that night was fun though. my mother came, cesar (my poetry buddy) came, and it was fun. steven's sister got her drunk. she was dancing and sweating. ha! you know, i don't even really feel like putting in all of the work writing. because nothing that i have to say is positive. everything is about how fucked up i got over the weekend, how aggravated i am at the lack of weed or cigarettes (still haven't smoked those by the way..and i'm dying at the moment..), or how much my life sucks right now. i got an eviction notice too by the way. i have to call them on monday to see if there's something i can do to work things out with them. awesome huh...i'm tired, and in need of some serious motivation. i need to learn to find that motivation by myself. anyways, i'll re read my entries. maybe that'll give me some motivation...
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(comment on this) Friday, November 20th, 2009
thebookofmylife
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1:36p
GreyHounds Need Help....
Dairyland Greyhound Racetrack in Kenosha, Wisconsin will be closing on December 31, 2009. 500 Greyhounds need to be adopted or they will be euthanized. Contact Joanne Kehoe Operations Director P: 312.559.0887 Or Dairyland Race Track Adoption Center direct at (262) 612-8256 if you are interested, or please pass this message on.
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(comment on this) Thursday, November 19th, 2009
jazmine0116
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12:04p
lunch break again. sometimes this is the only time that i get to write anything. today i've been really really good. i woke up at 6:30, and went to the gym. i worked out for about 45 minutes. nothing too heavy. i'm still tobacco free. all it's taking for me is extreme self control..because most of the time i want to suppliment the lack of nicotine with food. but i haven't done that either. Work is going well. today i'm determined NOT to surf the web while i'm here. i want to get as much done as humanly possible in the time that i'm here. i have to leave early because i was early today and i stayed late yesterday. my boss is no longer allowing me to receive overtime whenever i want anymore. that's fine. i'm going to continue to do my best here. i've spent too long doing things half assed, totally taking advantage of the opportunities this job has given me, and i don't want to do that anymore. i don't want to constantly be worried about losing my job. so, i will do better. i am doing better. i will continue to do better. i haven't had a drink either. i'm not trying to quit or anything, i just don't want to get wasted and spend money all the time. tonight is usually the night that i go to a specific bar, because it's ladies night there. i think i'll pass this week. spend some time with Jose tonight. Put on a kid friendly movie. i love that little boy so damn much..anyways, there really isn't much more to say at the moment. i'll probably update again tonight. maybe then with something a little deeper than this...
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(comment on this) Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
jazmine0116
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12:04p
relationships
i'm here at work, on my lunch break. i decided to stay at my desk and write instead of going to the cafeteria to eat. i'm feeling a little insecure about my relationship today. i don't know how to stop making his happiness so completely essential to mine. and i don't know how to stop being suspicious of every little damn thing. even if he IS hiding something, i don't want to care. i want to view things with a "no expectation" kind of perspective. it's incredibly hard for me for some reason. i expect so much. today he sounds like he's having a bad day. instinctually i think it's because of me, because i'm always correcting and criticizing the way he does things with my son. then he made me the eggs i asked for but added a sandwich to the menu and i looked at him like he was retarded and said "omg how long have you known me now?! i don't eat this much..." he looked taken aback. i felt bad. i apologized through a text for both incidences. i'm sure he'd say it was okay and that he didn't care, but i care for him. i'm eating the sandwich now..it's really good...anyways, i need therapy and i can't afford it. i need to learn how to put in to practice what i already know a hell of a lot more consistantly. For instance, i know that when it comes to relationships, the tighter you try to hold on, the less likely it is that you will. the more i fear losing him, the more i push him away. I also know that relationships were put in place by God in order to assist us in our growth as individuals. we are meant to take what we are meant to learn, and move on with it. I think you know that it's time to move on, when things become blatantly uncomfortable. i've based my ideas about relationships on these quotes from the book "Conversations with God."
The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you’d like to see “show up,” not what part of another you can capture and hold.
There can be only one purpose for relationships—and for all of life: to be and to decide Who You Really Are.
Let each person in relationship worry about Self—what Self is being, doing, and having; what Self is wanting, asking, giving; what Self is seeking, creating, experiencing, and all relationships would magnificently serve their purpose—and their participants!
For most people, love is a response to need fulfillment. Everyone has needs. You need this, another needs that. You both see in each other a chance for need fulfillment. So you agree—tacitly—to a trade. I’ll trade you what I’ve got if you’ll give me what you’ve got. It’s a transaction. But you don’t tell the truth about it. You don’t say, “I trade you very much.” You say, “I love you very much,” and then the disappointment begins.
For centuries you have been taught that love-sponsored action arises out of the choice to be, do, and have whatever produces the highest good for another. Yet I tell you this: the highest choice is that which produces the highest good for you.
What you do for your Self, you do for another. What you do for another, you do for the Self. This is because you and the other are one. And this is because...there is naught but You.
i need to read these to remind myself that whatever is going on with him, whether he chooses to make it about me or not, it isn't. what is in his heart and mind belongs to him, not me. his choices and actions aren't dictated by thoughts of me. they're his. that's the way it's supposed to be. i can't be concerned 24 hours a day for my relationship, or steven. i just can't. i'll go crazy. so i need to conciously re-focus my attention on myself. doing what's best for me will ultimately be what's best for my children. we'll all be a little happier if i can just...lighten up.
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(comment on this) Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
jazmine0116
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9:35p
so today is my third day in a row working out. and my second day tobacco free. i feel accomplished. especially because i've chosen to be focused on how quiting, and working out will benefit me in the future. everytime i've tried i've lost sight of that fact. i'm always on the search for that instant gratification. quick fix..that's why usually i can't manage to find the discipline to want to continue once i've started. but i'm determined to keep this up. i feel better and i'm happier and my mind is soooooo much clearer. i haven't stopped smoking weed. but i think i'm going to try to stop smoking by myself, and only make a it a "if it's around i'll do it" kind of thing. for instance, i'll smoke with steven. and if M wants to come here and smoke me out, by all means, come! smoke me out for free! but to go out of my way, and take time out of my day to do it by myself, i'd rather not. then i'd never work out. i really need to save smoking for after i've done the things that i need to do. ugh...that's so much easier said than done...but making improvement and proving to myself that i can do something and actually stick with it, is really really important to me. i don't want to lose focus anymore. i don't want to feel "clogged" or scattered anymore. i don't know how many times i have to hit the bottom in order for me to stay towards the top. anyways, i'm motivated, determined, focused on my goals. it feels good to be here. good to finally be able to take a deep breathe and smile at what life has to offer up. anyways, it's movie time.
current mood:  content
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jazmine0116
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12:54a
so i'm trying to write something to read at poetry night. it's been really hard, considering i've never been much of a poet at all. i admire people who do both...anyways, i was thinking of writing something about drugs about my struggles against the typical setting of people my age nowadays. how i get sucked in, everytime, no matter how hard i try to swim against the tide..how easy i am, what a fake i've been, and how i've finally risen above it all. now i can peak my head over the fence over at the woman i'm meant to be and smile at her in appreciation. so here goes nothing....
for as long as i can remember, i've wanted to relate. for as long as i can remember i've wanted to be someone else so badly, that over the years i've morphed and changed so drastically, that hardly anyone recognizes me...at one moment...the next, they can't ever forget me. i discovered highs and made memories with people that i won't ever forget. people that came and went as quickly and as often as the tide of the ocean. who doesn't? the older i've gotten the deeper into trouble i've seemed to find myself. i met Tammie...that white girl...Mary...she became my best friend...and then there was that sweet and savory concotion of mine...the juice. my "miracle juice" i called it. most if not all of my memories have involved these things, which is actually what made those past moments memorable. i've struggled for half a decade, with deciding who i wanted to be. what face i wanted to portray. i could be that hood girl, down for anything chick. i could be the bookworm, the "smart one". I could be slutty, free, open, fun, exotic...or i could be plain. i could abandon all of that, and be happy....really? i've chosen yesterday to be my day of rebirth. i chose yesterday to realize that i can be slutty, free, open, fun and exotic, while not putting down my book. without sacrificing my integrity, my self worth, my face, or my body..well, perhaps i'd have to kick the slut out the door, but it's my option. for whatever reason, i've had this incredible fear of straying too far from what others are doing. i dampened my own light, uncurled my hair, took off my glasses and braces and bought the new jeans that were in style, with the matching earrings and shoes..i followed. i snorted the tammie, puffed on Ms. Jane, and walked around all day with my juice in hand...to relate. to be what i thought i wanted to be. which was noticed. no one notices plain...the boys didn't notice the quiet bookworms. they never took time to consider anyone outside of themselves and their ideas of beauty. their loss. because yesterday, i decided to take "plain" to another level. I've set aside the juice, hid my money from Tammie and told mary to her face, that she aint shit. and her constant presence in my life, makes me look like shit. Eventually God decided that he'd had enough, and as a by-product, she gave me a baby...twice. Two incredible loves of my life. Two people who will love me no matter what i look like or what i do. two people that never think that i'm anything less than amazing. after meeting them, i've decided that i want THEM to notice me. to notice the woman underneath all of this adolescent bullshit. the woman that i'm becoming for them. it's a constant effort everyday to remember where i'm going. it's a constant effort everyday to not want to bury fears about the future, or my insecurities in my relationship with mind altering substances. constant. but it will be my constant drive to be that woman for them, for myself, that will keep me from falling.
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(comment on this)
jazmine0116
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12:38a
i want to sleep. because i know that tomorrow when the alarm clock goes off i'm going to be extrememly tired. but i can't. i think it's the excercise. steven says we should smoke some more, but then we won't have weed for the following nights. and my problem will continue. i need to learn how to meditate or something. clear my mind completely and let my conciousness drift away. uh, what pleasure!! unfortunatly, no matter how wonderful steven is and how well he treats me, i'm still very insecure, and i still find myself digging for information, looking for lies...it sucks. i don't want to. but i don't want to invest my time and my childrens futures, into a man who isn't ready to have a family. he's a man. previous experiences have taught me that all men and even girls fuck around. everyone fucks around on each other. there are always secrets, and i wish it wasn't that way. i wish he could be totally honest with me ALL the time. or, rather, i wish i didn't think he was lying all the time about stupid shit. i wonder if my sixth sense has gone a little haywire due to all of the trauma it's received in the past. anyways, i don't even want to talk about my doubts, because then they become just a little more real, a tad bit more serious. i don't need anymore seriousness in my life right now. i just want smiles and joy. oh and sunshine and rainbows too!! ha! don't we all...well, i've been thinking more about my writing. i never really stopped thinking of it. i just wonder how its ever going to happen because seriously it seems so impossible right now. i can't lose sight of it. no matter how long it takes, it will happen when i'm ready for it to happen. i just can't ever forget that...
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(comment on this) Monday, November 16th, 2009
jazmine0116
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9:36p
it has been time for a long time. i'm pent up, clogged, and it feels fucked up. not at all how i should be feeling. so in order to clean up this clogged feeling, i've been trying once again, to attempt to change my habits. yes, i fail miserably, constantly. but i can't stop trying. because my children and myself and my relationship with my boyfriend are all extremely important to me. my kids need stability and the opportunity to provide them with that, and contribute to who they are, what their characters will be like, is all mine. i can't fuck it up. to be able to lead them down hard paths i have to go down some first. that's the only way i'll be able to guide them...and me....really the new found yearning came from a lot of things. my kids first of course, and then there is that nagging desire to be healthier, for the sake of living life as full as possible. i think that's a part of it. what good are you and your body to the world if you can't walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for breath? what can you contribute if you're insecure? ashamed? sick? not as much if you moved a little, took a deep breath once in a while. and steven...i long to please him in any and every way possible. i can't fuck this up, because he's a catch. one in a million. there really is a reason that God put us together right now, at these points in our lives. not any sooner or later. now, is when we can benefit and learn from each other the most. Steven said it on my 22nd birthday. that was also the first time he said "i love you". Now, really, in the front of my mind i want to say "we were just coked up". but i don't want to demoralize it. i want to appreciate it and look back on the memory with fondness. We're about to watch a movie, so i'll continue another time.
current mood: motivated
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(comment on this) Monday, November 9th, 2009
jazmine0116
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10:39p
Cocaine.
i'm gonna do this when he goes to sleep...i can't do it with him around. i'll be pacing back and forth. he'll be so much slower than me, and it'll get on my nerves. i'm sure of it....damn...let me smoke a cigarette...
current mood: other
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(comment on this) Sunday, November 8th, 2009
jazmine0116
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8:19p
i'm vibin'... i have a particular song blasting right now. i love it. it's the song i have on my myspace page. and it's like...inspiring. it pumps me up. it makes me want to type fast, to the beat. its like i can't even stop making my body want to move. i wonder if the volume being so high is bothering steven...i guess if it was he'd say something. all i really want to do is close my eyes, and let this song move through me. ah, the power of music...
god, i'm such a cornball.....
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