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Thursday, July 9th, 2009
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10:50 am - Crossroads...
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I wanted to finish writing about how I ended up here... However with the most recent events happening I feel more of a need to write about them.
The 4th of July it rained here... all day. They canceled the firework display in P town and rescheduled for the following evening Sunday the 5th. My grown daughter came over with my two grandkids, and my two little ones (who are very close in age to my grandkids) all played. As evening approached I still wasn't sure I wanted to take the drive all the way to P town to see the fireworks, but the feeling of guilt (IF i didn't take the litttle ones) won out and I drove like a bat out of hell to make it there and find a parking place along the river barely in time! The girls and I watched the display as we walked along the edge of the river. The little one was kind of scared of the really "loud big ones" and clung to me trying to hide. It was sorta amusing. They had venders set up along the flood wall and we grabbed some greasy festival type foods and ate after the display. As we walked back to the jeep.... an uneasy feeling set upon me. By the time we reached the Jeep and I began my journey driving towards home it had esculated into a nearly full blown panic attack! I took a quarter of a xanax bar and continued to drive white knuckled and repeating the all to familar mantra in my mind..."you're ok, this will soon pass, its just panic, noone has ever died from a panic attack, focus on the road.... inch your way home..where its safe" Just as always it felt like I was in pure hell but as I got closer to home I felt better, Im not sure if it was the xanax or just the safe feeling of home. Its was a little after 1 a.m. K had stayed home because he needed to sleep (he had to get up for work at 3:30 a.m.).
Once inside the house, I did as I always do ..I sat at my desk, picked up the phone, looked through the caller Id to see if I had missed any calls in my absense. Nope no missed calls. It has been my habit since all the shit started to also hit redail.
A few days prior I had hit redial to see K's Dad's number punched in... funny though the area code preceeded by the 1 were missing. (That is an impossible call to have made without those two sets of numbers. ) So I asked K about it, he was wise though to his error and made a story up about how he was gonna call his Dad but then forgot to add the 1 and area code, then just decided not to make the call afterall.
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| Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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2:22 pm - Discoveries part 2
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Picking up where I left off...
I took his phone said I was going to walmart. I called her from his cell thinking she may answer. She didn't, and needless to say I was hurt , angry, and disgusted so I left her some voice mails. I told her I was gonna call the unit that her and K both worked for and talk to her bosses about her screwing around with a maried man at work... (my husband). Then I went to a friends house and sat for a couple hours and drank a few beers and told the story as I knew it to that point.
Well later she did dial his cell and she left a message... It said "K you better get your fucking bitch in check she called and threatened to tell our bosses , we need to talk CALL ME"
I called her back from my home phone since that is where I listened to her message to him from anyways. She didn't answer of course. SO I left her my message which informed her "NOONE absolutely NOONE put's me into check as she called it, I am a grown woman I do as I please so if you think calling my husband is somehow going to get you off my shit list and make me behave you couldn't be more mistaken!"
At this point Im so disgusted, Im hurt and I am one pissed off, ass hurt bitch!!!
More shit hit the proverbial fan, him yelling about my daughter and me yelling bout this girl... which after finally coming to the point of knowing I indeed did have proof there was more then just that one phone call betwen the two of them... his story changed to "she was simply a friend that he could talk to" The pin numbers were then changed on his cell phone. He said I had to put my daughter out .. I told him he couldn't just throw them out he would need to have them evicted, and it was true I talked to a police officer about it. Things came to a head he packed a few things... and left.
I was miserible... I missed him so badly, I wasn't sleeping, eating, I was just eating xanax, drinking coffee, and pepsi and crying a WHOLE lot! I was desparate I wanted my husband back!! I wanted our little family to be whole again. I called and begged him to come home. I even drove out to L'vile one night knowing he was there had him come out to talk to me and gave him head in the front seat of my truck as it was parked in his bro in laws driveway. I then climbed upon him and had sex right there too... sitting up!! I stilll went home alone that night. I still cried, I still didn't sleep, and still couldn't get a bite of food past my lips.
more later.. this is so mentally taxing to me.. I seem to only be able to get small parts out at a time.
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| Monday, July 6th, 2009
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3:09 pm - Discoveries
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A few months back when things were really rocky....
I said in a past entry I knew he had been lying to me. The whole situation reeked to high hell of bullshit! Yet as I said before , he would tell me I was imagining things, he wasn't talking to anyone else he wasn't doing anything bad at all. He even sugguested I was going crazy and asked about my fucking meds. "Are you still taking them like you're suppsed to?" THAT was a big 10-4 because frankly if I hadn't been taking them at that point in time I would have hung myself from the first tree I found.
One day we got into another argument, once again I asked the proper questions. Again he denied any wrong doing whatsoever! Then he promptly rolled over and went to sleep. He left me sitting there more frustrated then ever and KNOWING in my mind something was amiss and I wasn't privy to the truth.
I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't eat!! I was barely functioning ..my nerves were shot to hell and I was mentally falling apart.
There was something with his cell phone, I knew it. First of all. He would guard it like there was gold locked into the tiny device or as if it held the secrets of our nation and it was his responsibility to protect them. The screen wasn't working on it at that time. So doing a quick searh of his call activity on there was out of the question. Not to mention he slept with it at his side in the window ceil. If I so much as thought about touching it ...his eyes would pop open and he would want to know what I was doing with it. Frankly I knew I had to figure out a way to find out what this big secret was. That was the key in my mind to all the weird actions since he wouldn't tell me what was going on.
I hadn't slept much for several days. I hadn't been able to eat. My stomach was in knots and I wasn't even sure why.
One night while he was sleeping I dialed his cell number and waited for voice mail to answer. I started dialing every combo of numbers that I thought might be of importance to him enough to use as a PIN. Amazingly it didn't take very long and I hit paydirt. I was allowed access into his voice mailbox. There was really nothing in there. He had been careful enough to delete any mesages, or perhaps he simply didn't have any that particular day. Still I knew the answers were there I just hadn't uncovered them yet. A while later as this was still eating at me I went to the bedroom while he slept crawled into my computer chair and dared to log on to virgin mobile.
Quietly I punched in his cell number, then pin. I searched the site looking for account activities. BINGO...
My eyes almost instantly filled with tears as I saw the same number had been dialed repeately for the past three weeks. More then 30 times!!! They had obviously been playing phone tag at some points, and others it showed actual lengthy calls. Incredibly, these calls were made not only while he was working but when I was out of the house and he was home. It showed on his break he might have tried to call her first, then he had calledme chatted for five mins, hung up and called her again!
I was in shock and over the next couple days. I searched for ways to get him to tell me what was going on. I did not EAT, I slept very little! I went through an entire gambit of emotions. I felt angry, betrayed, disguted, HURT, HURT HURT!!!! My anxiety was reaching record breaking levels.
I could take no more. I went to him. I again asked about the girl he worked with that he had claimed to have only spoken to one time on the phone. He again said I was crazy he had only talked to her once and it was purely work related.
This time ... then simply being suspicious, I was armed with the truth. I said... "I know youve talked to her more then once and I have the proof would you like to tell me the truth now?" He was sitting at the computer playing games... He said. " you dont have any proof you're losing your mind" I was furious!! OK ENOUGH!!
I said "Log on to your phone account NOW!" He said "ok but I told you I only talked to her once, whats the web address for verizon?" (Verizon is our home phone account) "NO not that one... LOG ONTO YOUR VIRGIN MOBILE" I practically screamed! He then laughed and said "Im not logging nto my virgin mobile theres nothing on there you don't even know my pin you are just throwing darts in the dark, really you're losing your mind! Now stop acting this way" AGAIN I said "just do it, and I do know your pin". He wouldn't log in.
That day I did two things. First I called her. Perhaps, she will give me the answers I seek. I dialed the number and she answered. I said... " HI i just have a couple quick questions for you if you don't mind, Id like to know whats going on with you and my husband?" She didn't ask, who is his, who is your husband? WTF anything she yelled at me... "DONT EVER FUCKING DIAL MY NUMBER AGAIN" and hung up! She knew who I was but obviously she wsn't willing to talk. I then checked his voice mail messages through out the day. There was at one point a new one from one of his best friends I listened to it and left it on there.
I went into the bedroom and told him about my phone convo with her. I asked what I thought were obvious questions. Like why did this woman scream at me? If you don't talk to her how does she know who I am? ... again I got more lies. He told me she probablly thought I was some raving mad lunatic. (yea I was but not without just reasons or cause!) Besides when I asked her what was going on with her and him, I DID NOT raise my voice, I didnt curse her or accuse I simply asked.
That night with him still not believing the truth that I really had hacked into his account I managed to snag his cell phone and made a hasty retreat with it. I said I was going to walmart when questioned. I knew I wasnt going to walmart.
This will have to be continued later. I had a bad night last night and will tell more about that later. I need to unwind a bit and come back soon.
Until later..
me
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5:22 am - F*&K me running!!
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Dear God in heaven just when you think things can ONLY get better...... I don't think I need to finish that sentence.
In previous posts I have eluded to some of the issues giving me hell lately but I haven't actually told it all.
I swear I would rather have the shit stomped out of me physically then to go through all this mind fucking lately.
Broken bones heal in time, and so does flesh. Yet if you fuck with someones head hard enough that shit stays with you for an entire lifetime.
I just don't get it. Why can't some people be honest??? There are two.. ok maybe three things in this world I simply cannot tolerate, One is being lied to, the second is being cheated out of something that is rightfully mine, or stolen from. (which is pretty much the same. SEE TOLD YA IM LOSING IT)
Im not saying everyone in life should be brutally honest. EVERYONE tells the occassional little white lies, generally they are harmless and meant to spare someones feelings. What kills me is when you ask someone a very important question, and they look you straight in the eye and LIE to your face. Better yet when you are told you are the one who is crazy for even suggesting such a thing to begin with. Sweet Jesus my panties are still in such a bunch , my hands are trembling and Im madder then a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!!! Twice as hurt, and extremely disgusted.
Gonna leave and regroup will be back sometime today to share the rest of this story.
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| Saturday, July 4th, 2009
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4:22 pm - Trying to feel positive.
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Knowledge is power, if it is used correctly. Im no Einstien yet Im not an idiot either. I may sometimes be slow, and I've certainly been called stubborn enough times in my life to believe it is the absolute truth.
With that said, I haven't been writing much lately. I've been to consumed in self pity and so anxious a few times I thought of suicide as an escape route to my mental anguish and pain. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of not giving myself enough credit where my own self worth is concerned. I've been embarking on my own journey of mental process, as it were. I think to much! I know this is a fact. I've always been this way. Im extremely analitical (damn I know Ive just mispelled that it doesn't look right ,Im sure there should be a y in there somewhere??? Oh well anyone who might be reading Im sure you get what I was trying to type) I replay things in my mind over and over. Giving each thought a new twist and wondering if what so and so said really meant exactly that or if there was some hidden underlying meaning that somehow escaped me. It's not even just about important things but also about stupid shit. I worry about things I have no control over. It's my nature. I can't seem to stop myself. (which explains why so many nights when I lay down to sleep I simply can't. My mind will replay an entires day converstions searching for clues. Looking for answers to my entires life's worries. Some have no answers. They simply just are what they are. I can not "fix the entire world" not in one night nor should I continue to keep trying to do so.) People are born, then they die hopefully at ripe old ages but this isn't always the case. Like my son who came into the world only for a short time... 2 months 3 days to be exact. This is a weight I carry. The death certificate says sudden infant death syndrome or SIDS as it is commonly refered to. The problem with this ..is SIDS is a giant waste basket. They don't know exactly what the hell happened they just know upon autopsy they could find no foul play, no other reason for the death the child appeared perfectly healthy yet died in its sleep. So the ones left behind are left to ponder over and over where they went wrong and what happened. I can't change the past. I can not undo that day and never let him sleep.It simply ins't plausible or undoable. I can not continue to beat myself up over something I HAD NO control over.
Other things in my life I do have control over. What shirt to wear? DO i get out of bed today or lay and feel sorry for myself? Do I get up and put make up because it makes me feel good or do I just lay around looking like a bag lady? Hey sometimes that bag lady look is comfortable!! No one wants to bother you when you look like shit... when your hair is standing on end and you look as if you could spit nails at any given second. Fuck they are afraid to approach you at moments like that, which sometimes is favorable. Given your mood of course. Let's face it Im not 29 anymore. I can't go back in time and erase the past. Im not so sure I would even if I could. Life hasn't always been kind to me. However it has made me who I am today. Maybe I dont always like the fact but Im in my 40's. I've earned the right to be grumpy when I choose to be so. Im also alot wiser. Ive experienced somethings that werent pretty, but Ive also had those moments where I saw or experienced things that were so breathtakingly beautiful. Watching my children be born would be a good example of that. Watching a beautiful sunset that will never be duplicated. The feeling of pride watching my son march out in formation when he graduated from basic training in the army. I have many things to be proud of. I have many moments to think back upon.......they aren't all bad.
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4:19 pm - Happy 4th of July.
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| Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
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1:20 am - Ughhh
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K is on vaction until the 4th of July. So with him home I haven't been on the comp to write.
We went into town today, the bank, and across the border in Ky, and then back to visit K's bro in law. The kids had a great time ... M (k's bro in law) has some awesome kids toys set up for his grandkids and my kids think its like an amusement park. LOL! K and his bro in law threw corn hole bags as I watched. Im not much into the game myself. I admit it, I throw like a girl! Pffft!
K found his cell phone I had hidden in the fireplace. Yes I did hide it. He knew I did too and searched until he found it. As crazy as it sounds that phone is like the plague as far as I am concerned. All the lies began with him and HER and their secret convos several months ago on that damned phone. Honestly I wanted to lay it on the ground and run it over with my truck a hundred times. Instead I hid it in the fireplace! Oh well. I just wish as usual... he would make me feel more secure about things. I know he reads what I write here. Would it be so horrible to just tell me what your thinking and reassure me?
current mood: blah
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| Monday, June 29th, 2009
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2:53 am - not a happy camper tonight.
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During the day yesterday things appeared okay. We went out to visit K's mom again (he was supposed to help install some ac units which didn't happen.) We stopped on our way over her house at the store to get some pop for me and the girls to drink ,a few snacks, and his beer. He had a few beers and talked with his mom and Aunt N who happened to be there visiting. IT was a semi nice day.. not overly hot for a change so we all gathered on her front porch. A good 6 pack or so later we left for home. But right as we getting ready to head for the Jeep I got the warm flush over my face I usually feel at the onset of a panic attack, so before getting in the jeep I took my xanax. I sat silently most the way home clutching the door handle and sweating on my palms and feet with my heart beating a million miles an hour. I answered and commented on things and tried hard to hide my discomfort. I finally confessed how I was feeling just a few miles from home.
We got home and K had some more beers. Then he opened pandoras box to all sorts of ugly things. Apparently even though I have been trying very hard to keep my home in order and be both a good mother and home maker I am still falling short! This hurt me more then I care to admit. Honestly I have tried to bend over backwards and kiss my own ass to make sure things were being taken care of. We discussed his demons once again and I tried to give my input on what I thought he should do and reasssure him I would back him, stand beside him and hold his hand whatever needed done I would give it my best shot. I can handle these issues, I know as Ive already said I have my own demons to face and even though sometimes I litterally suck ass at trying to deal with my own I seem to be better at helping others with theirs. Must be the mother in me and my desire/need to nurture?
Sometimes he really doesn't get me or my crazy moods, I simply want him to reassure me that he is in deed still in love with me and not the other woman. However if that isnt true I sorta wish he would tell me. I want the truth. His answers are evasive at the least he says "and why do you think Im still here I dont have to be?" Well thats not what I asked I want to hear the truth. I want to hear IM here becuse I love you R, Im here because I want our marriage to work, Im here because I dont want to lose our family or what we have started.... anything reassuring. But thats not the type of answers I get. Im very frustrated at the moment and my soul is aching, cant he see the hurt he has caused me in the past few months and all I have done to try and make things right? I cant hold it ALL together alone I need his help and an effort on his part I need to see and feel his love not get half assed answers to important questions. Its driving me totally insane. Damn it sometimes I just wanna scream but Im affriad once I got started I wouldnt be able to stop!! They'd lock me away for good.
its so late I should be sleeping and yet if left to my own devices I would sit here and spill my guts for hours about all that has really been going on. Right now Im just not in the right frame of mind to do this though.. as I want to write a fair an accurate account of things the way they happened and not just spew venom cuz Im once again feeling hurt, and confused.
Until next time
me
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| Saturday, June 27th, 2009
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11:35 pm - Saturday...
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First things first... K awoke me this morning touching my skin.... at first I wanted nothing more then to lay there and sleep a bit longer but as it happened, he was awakening other parts of me that didn't want sleep. I rolled over and threw the covers back a bit.... thats when I noticed a round spot on his upper thigh... I remember reading in nursing school years ago about tick bites and them leaving a round mark that resembled a target, and that being the symptom of something but couldn't remember if it was rocky mountain spotted fever or lyme disease. (we live in the country we've all been bit a few times by ticks this year.) I asked him about it, he didnt know where it had come from. After we finally got out of bed I looked it up on the internet, and it was a symptom of lyme disease. We need to get him in to see a doc for a course of antibiotics soon or it could do some permanent damage. I would be willing to bet good money thats exactly what it is though because as the day progressed it got larger.
Today we went to see G-Ma L. It was a pretty uneventful visit. I feel bad for her with her alzhiemers..(did I spell that correctly? hmmm ) She is really not that old but quite confused at times and often very forgetful. She asked me this time about the numberous lotions she had in her bathroom and if they were mine. Her daughter told her just a few weeks ago they didn't belong to me, that she had given them to L as a wedding give several years ago and in fact those were her own things. One day she will swear I've taken her towels. The next she will think where did all these towels come from, and ask everyone if I left them at her house? Im not sure why I seem to be the target, other then when her son K was staying there I would spend a night or two with him upon occassion. I never took anything from there and I didn't leave anything there either. She kept trying to insist K take this god awful old picture of him ,his mom and dad, an two sisters home with him. K didn't want it so as we were leaving he went to her bathroom and left it attached to the mirror. I didn't get out fast enough and she told me to go see what he had done with it and made me take it to the Jeep with me. K grabbed the picture back and stealthy slid it into his nieces car as she was also there for a visit. Ha When we left L's house we stopped to visit his sister G who has just had surgey recently on her leg. While we were there the niece came home and when we got ino the Jeep to leave there was that damned picture again. He put it back into the nieces car, I told him he should have run inside the house tossed it on G's lap and ran. She's in a cast up to her thigh she couldn't have chased him very far!! LOL I find it kind of sad that no one wants the old photo of the family they once were so many years ago! But also amusing at the way they try to pawn it off on each other, what funky clothes they were all wearing, ugly hair do's and not a soul smiling except his oldest sister. God bless her heart!
When we came home I made some cheesy bread and marinia sauce for me and the girls to eat, K wasn't hungry and climbed into the chase to watch an old movie on the DVD player before long he was sawing logs. knew that was gonna happen, even told him so before it did. I sat here and deleted a good years worth of old emails I never even bothered to read, my yahoo inbox had 12 thousand some odd emails in it. Took me quite a while to accomplish that task as it will only let you delete 25 at a pop! I didnt think I would ever finish!! Sadly most it it was simply junk, offers to enlarge my penis..(Psssst excuse me I don't have one,well not one that is attached to me anyways) most of my emails were from freecycle... good lord I musta got at least 20 per day from them people, the concept is wonderful if you are one of those who stay on top of these things, but sadly I don't or didn't and requested to be removed fom their mailing list.
I got on the scale today. I weighed in at 147!! Im 5 ft 8 and am proudly wearing a size 5 in jeans. Quite a task considering just a few months ago I weighed umm well close to 180 pounds. give or take...and wore a size 12 snugly and a size 14 a little loose. Im quite happy to be rid of the weight even though it has been a hell of a way to lose it!! Losing your sanity and not eating for days at a time, is never a good thing. OK let me rephrase, I didn't go crazy, I was simply VERY stressed out about the things going on between K and I. Everytime my anxiety gets worse, or my depression I CANT eat. After about the 8th day and this was while he was still not living at home I bought myself ensure to drink just to give my body some nutrients. For those 8 days I survived on pepsi and coffee mostly. Until I walked into walmart with my girls and felt like I was gonna pass out one day. The stuff I bought tasted like shit but I MADE myself guzzle a bottle down right there in the store at room temperature, and almost immediately felt somewhat better. Im still not eating right and need to work on that issue. I have been averaging about one meal per day or at least a sandwich. I guess that's why the weight continues to drop.
Well I should at least TRY to get some sleep it is after midnight here and everyone is sleeping but myself.
So until tomorrow goodnight!
Me
current mood: awake
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12:57 am - midnight cravings
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Okay, so it's going on 1 am and I decided to eat a plate of home made onion rings... damn good thing I lost weight recently or I might feel guilty... but I don't!! OMG they were soooooo damned good!
K got home around 5:30 or so. He went to the comp to play for a bit and had a few beers. I really sorta wanted to get out somewhere as the walls are getting closer and closer. I finally just went outside to sit on the deck and he joined me. We made a fire and I drank a couple beers even though it probably isn't in my own best interest to do so. You only live once and sometimes you just gotta say fuck it... (excuse my french.) K opened up to me somewhat about his demons and I felt bad because in my efforts to help him understand it isn't a weakness to admit you need help ...as I personally feel it takes more strength to admit you need help then it does to try and hide it. WELL inadvertently I sorta monopolized the conversation. (shrug) it was a honest mistake and I did apologize, was just trying to get my point across and well theres that whole starved for adult conversation issue which I tried to explain to him. I just hope he understood what I was trying to say.
My day as usual was filled with household stuff, cleaning our bedroom... I still had boxes in there that needed unpacked as we just moved in here 2 weeks ago. WHat a royal pain in the ASS! I hate moving, I hate packing and unpacking... and then putting everything back into it's new perspective places. If left to my own devices honestly I would probably just live out of the boxes... Damn what a horrible admission on my part , sadly I fear it is probably true though. I'm honestly not sure if its my laziness or if it's pure lack of energy and or lack of motivation on my part. Combine that with my neck issues , joint pain, depression and anxiety and hot spit... I would rather stay in bed! LOL AT MYSELF!
Speaking of depression and anxiety.... don't ever attempt to explain these issues with anyone who has never suffered from them. THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!! I always get the same advice from well meaning oblivious well wishers... "it's mind over matter, Grab yourself by the boot straps, Snap out of it.....blah blah blah... " Don't you think if it was that damned easy we would??? WTF??? ... HERES YOUR SIGN BUDDY!
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| Friday, June 26th, 2009
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11:51 am - some good news for a change.
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I just finished talking to K on the phone, he got his new schedule. He is now working mondays, weds, friday in pton and every other sat in chili. Opposite her saturdays. This will certainly help ease some of the anxiety and stress I feel and I know he doesnt like that unit in particular, but it's much closer to home and will save him on time and gas money. More sleep for him and for me as well as I don't have to work myself into a tizzy fit the nights before or after.
Next week he has some vacation days, I hope to spend some quality time with him on those days. I love him so much... most of my craziness lately stems from my insecurities (not without just reason) hopefully this will help.
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12:57 am - things going boom in the night.... oh my
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Its storming...(insert clapping thunder and flashing lights here) the lights just went out a little while ago and of course I had to go in and reset K's alarm, I guessed at what time he needs to be up, hope I guessed well enough. I just took my xanax for sleep and am now waiting for it to kick in and allow my mind to slow down so I may rest. My neck and arms are aching pretty bad this evening ( took some of K's ibuprophen also), wonder if its the weather playing havoc with my old bones? Some times I wonder if it would simply be less painful to have them removed? lol at cutting off my own head!!
Took me a while to convince the girls to go to sleep... the thunder scares them. It used to scare me that way too. I am not as frightened by it as I used to be.. but, I REALLY hate being outdoors while it is storming! The rain has made the drive way HILL rather muddy my poor little truck spit, sputtered and slipped but it did make it to it's parking space, THANK YOU GOD!
I was reading the news earlier today on my comp... sad that both Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcet both passed away. I think Michael Jackson besides being escentric was a very talented muscian in his time. He went a bit overboard with the skin whitening , nose jobs,wearing masks, dangling his kids over balconies and perhaps made some bad choices since who knows what really happened at his carnival like home, with the monkey(BOBO) and the allegations of him with the boys. Isn't my place to judge and I guess if he did do the things they said he is now facing his final judge and jury at the pearly gates.
Poor Farah, I had just read (a few days ago it seemed )that she and Ryan O'neil were getting married and then she passed. Of anal cancer, wow that had to be painful!! My heart goes out to those who were close to both artists. I know what it is like to lose someone you love, and I really don't wish that on my worst enemies.
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| Thursday, June 25th, 2009
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5:28 pm - another lonely night ahead
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It's only 5:39 pm as I begin this post and K is already in bed for the night. I'm not mad at him for doing so, his work hours are demanding , getting up at 3:30 am to start his day most mornings. He did manage to get off work early today which was nice, yet I miss his company. His shifts are generally at least 10 to 15 hours long and needless to say he is usually pretty tired by the time he arrives back home. I understand that he can't just quit his job to lay around at home with me everyday, he is our family's bread winner. Yet sometimes I am so starved for some adult conversation that it damn near drives me mad! I am also sort of envious of his job in that aspect, he gets to leave home and interact with grown people and have real adult conversations about things that don't include who farted, someone touching the other and being hit for no damned good reason. I am pretty certain that the people he works with don't announce every bodily function with laughter before doing so. Nor do they fight ,argue over toys and who had them first and expect him to be the mighty peacemaker! Sigh... Sometimes I feel as if the walls are closing in around me and I will simply fade into dust!
I love K with all my heart and there isn't much I wouldn't do to make him happy as I have been trying so hard to make him see in these past few weeks/months. I know that I have my faults , this I don't deny. I also know there are certain things I could/should have done differently in the past. Sometimes it takes a life altering event to open your own stubborn eyes to these facts.
I searched in vain at finding my long lost past life, one where I was much younger and could do things I know my body won't tolerate these days as it did when I was in my early 20s. In retrospect, I was wrong to try and return to those earlier days, for one I am not 21 anymore and secondly life wasn't really that grand even when I was! So why the hell try to reclaim something that wasn't all it was cracked up to be in the first place? Damn good question and one I shall have to ponder on at another interval.
K is plagued by nightmares once again. I know how this feels, even if our nightmares aren't of the same caliber. We each have our own demons and guilt inside that eats away at your soul like a wild fire at times! I've tried to get him to talk about his but this is something he is unwilling to share with me. I can not force him to talk about his dreams or nightmares as these are demons I suppose he chooses to fight on his own, or perhaps saying them aloud will only give them more power in his mind? I can't even begin to guess.
Logging off for a time... I need to regroup take my xanax and chill.
Until later,
me
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| Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
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5:31 pm - FREAKING FRACKEN *&^%&*(*()))
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Ok so he calls me from work..... he says..."do we have any plans for thursday or saturday?" ... "Ummm not that I can think of" I answered, "why?" "Boss wants me to work both days we are short staffed" (LONG SILENCE) hmmmmm "doesn't she work on saturday?" I asked."Yea and thats why I am asking" he said. "well you're gonna do what you want to do and besides you know how I feel about you working with her..." I said. (At this point my blood is starting to curldle and my guts are quivering... FUCK thanks for ruining my day.) Going to my purse for some xanax.
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2:12 pm - continued ...and the begining of the lies
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So my daughter and grandkids moved in with us. That caused a financial strain on the family and it also caused some other discomforts. Lack of privacy, the noise level was greatly increased going from 2 young kids to 4! CHAOS!! Still I loved my husband and it didn't matter because we were back together and as far as I KNEW staying that way. He began to complain about various things, the house, the kids my daughter and the financial strains. I couldn't just toss my daughter and her 2 young kids on the curb so yes I defended them. In the meantime, his behavior became strange. He would get on the internet and then close windows as I came into the room. Once I asked what he was doing and he repied "writing a letter to my girlfriend" and then laughed. When I asked to see what he was REALLLY doing he exited the window quickly. Was he looking at porn? (Like I cared if he was I am not one of those women who are offended nor threatened by her husband looking at porn.) His behavior made all my inner womens intuition senses stand at attention, I was suspicious and I wasn't sure why or what he was really up to just yet!
I had an on going medical problem for the past few years with my spine and it was hurting me pretty bad when I went to the ER room one day looking for relief. They didn't do much gave me some pain meds sent me on my way with a referal to physical therepy. I began going three times a week. It seemed to be helping some. On one of those days I came back home after being tortured with yet more stretches and manipulation and I inadvertently picked up my home phone to call someone and hit redail instead. The number that came up I wasn't familar with..... I asked my daughter if she had just used the phone and she told me it was my husband who had just gotten off the phone. Im not sure why I wrote this strange number down, but I did. I tucked it into a drawer after writing it down. My husband has a myspace account so I peeked around on it. There were a few women on there but I wasn't really alarmed, he works with some of them and so I thought I had simply been imagining things. A few days passed and my mind wouldn't let me leave this notion that something was amiss alone. One day shortly after he left for work, I called the strange number adding a *67 to it so I wouldn't be identified. A woman answered ,I said "oh is that you Jen?" She said "No this is Heather" "well is Jen there?" I asked. "no youv'e got the wrong number" she said. END OF CALL!! Hmmmm my mind was reeling... I asked him who he had been on the phone that day with and he said it was his boss at first. When I asked who the other number belonged to he told me she was simply a trainee and he was calling to remind her of a schedule change of some sort. WELL OK, can someone hand me my sign to hold??? I asked how many times he had called her and the answer remained, just that one time. Over the next nightmarish week or so I asked several more times... about him, her and how many times they had REALLY talked to each other and why. His answer remained the same, just that one time she was a trainee and not a very good one at that he figured she would end up getting fired because she was a "Pillhead" his words, not mine. He brushed off my notions that there was anything more to the story...saying things like, Im 40 shes only 29 why would I want some young girl and why would I want to be with some girl that has two young brats that aren't even mine?
One day on his way to work his car caught on fire. He had to have it towed and I had to drive there later that day when he got off to pick him up. On the way home I asked to use his cell phone to call and check my banking balance. I used the phone as he drove. When my call was completed I sat there talking with him ,small talk mostly about how his car had causght on fire... when the phone in my hand began to ring..I couldnt see who was calling for two reasons, at that time his screen was broken, it had gotten wet and secondly he snagged it out of my hand quickly and answered it. I could hear a womans voice but couldn't make out what she was saying I could only hear his end of the convo as he told his female caller about his car catching on fire and how I had come to get him from work and WE were on our way home. Followed by yea thats probably a good idea and ok.. well no problem, bye. After he hung up I asked "who was that?" "oh it was Joy, she was just calling to see how work went today" I raised my brow at this..."does Joy usually call to see how your day went while youre on your way home?" No he said. "She was just curious about work." EVERY HAIR STOOD UP ON THE BACK OF MY NECK AND MY ANXIETY WENT INTO OVERDRIVE!!! I KNEW HE WAS LYING.. I JUST KNEW IT!
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12:08 pm - a little background to how I got here..
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Today I started this journal.... My life has been a complete disaster lately. I've been confused, hurt, betrayed,anxious, disgusted and to sum it up a ..big ball of raw exposed nerves lately!! Anyways, I really needed to get a lot off my chest, and since I am sitting at home most the time with two small kids this seemed to at least be a venue for me to vent. Im hoping it will at least releave the pressures building up inside me before my head pops off and I explode into a giant rage!
I've been married to my current husband almost 5 years, I'd love to be able to say they were all roses, butterfies and sunshine, however, if they were I suppose I wouldnt be sitting here typing away furiously at the moment would I? About 2 years into our relationship, we separated I moved to the next town over not real far about 10 miles away. We separated for many reasons back then ..my son and him arguing, his constant snide and sarcastic remarks about the things I did or didn't do,house chores, sex, money we were arguing alot back then. I suffer from depression and anxiety and the fights only served to increase my mental health issues. So as I was living away from him and on my own for the first time in what seemed like hundreds of years. I regained a new perspective on life in some ways. Yes it was hard, money was really tight, I had certain new stressers such as paying the rent and taking care of three kids daily without much relief. I was able to come and go as I pleased and I did like that aspect for a time. Not having to answer to anyone about how you spent your day can be very freeing at times. (ESP when you spent your day laying on the couch watching tv or on the computer surfing and really didn't get much accomplished.) I started speaking to my first husband who I had been divorced from for over 20 years, we got together and did things. Sex included, was it right? I'm really not sure on the answer to that one and I suppose it all depends on who you ask. I say since I was separated, living in my own apartment I was free to do as I pleased, some might argue that I was still married and so therefore it wasn't right. In any case, it happened. I don't dispute these facts, I did what I did. Plain and simple. I never once stopped loving my current husband I just seemed to accept the fact that we simply couldn't seem to get our shit together. I mean he was seriously still pursuing me and I wanted him yet I didn't think we could live together again. I was confused and I was being stubborn and so it continued. I dated a few other men... just casual dinner, or movie type dates nothing happened between us. Except one man I had met by internet, spoken to on the phone many times and through instant messenger daily, I did go out with him a couple times, and we were intimate once. AGAIN it happened! My current husband was aware of the fact I had been seeing and yes that I had been sexually active with my ex husband. I didn't lie or hide it. My current husband also dated other women and was sexually active with two women that I know of for a fact. That bothered me greatly, yet I couldn't be a hypocrite I had done the same. There were a few times over that two year span that I or I should say" we" attempted to reunite with each other. Yet there were still ISSUES that drove us apart once again. Back in OCT of last year I was done with the cat and mouse bullshit, and he was still interested in pursuing our marriage so we got together AGAIN. I was happy to be back with him and we moved to the country in a small house trailer with my two little ones. For a time, things were good. We got along pretty well for the most part. My oldest daughter was having problems with her boyfriend so we allowed her and her two kids to come live with us as well.
I must go run to the store now so this will have to be continued later today or as time permits... Be back soon Ive got so much to tell you!!
Me
current mood: contemplative
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