|
|
Friday, October 30th, 2009
| |
4:30 am - Friday again already..
|
Good Morning blurtyland and wake the F up!! lol Sorry I hate being the only one awake at this un-Godly hour.
Took the kids and the grandkids trick or treaking last night, surprisingly the weather was absolutely perfect this year! It was comfortable no freezing winds or rain, I couldnt have picked a better night for it. Let the TEETH ROTTING BEGIN!!!
I was a little disappointed with K, He didn't go with us, and used Jess and my grandkids as his reason for not going. I dropped him off at his bro in laws house and he and the good old boys passed out candy and drank beers. We covered quite a few blocks during the allotted time, which was only 1 and a half hours. It was quite a walk back to the Jeep afterwards. I guess next year we need to plan our route better. Perhaps making it start in one direction then circling back towards the car. Anyways they got to dress up, get some candy and plenty of excersise. I guess I could say despite K's failure to join us the evening was still a success for the little ones and that what is really important here.
I slept to much yesterday during the day and so now I am paying for it by not being able to sleep tonight. I have no one to blame but myself. I really felt crummy yesterday though, sore throat and the chills. My throat is still bothering me but at the moment I am not freezing to death which I will take as a positive sign.
Kids still have the remaining coughs, but the fevers are all gone. Hopefully it is on it's last legs now.
Im not sure if I have been taking my meds regularly. I hate to admit that sometimes I can't remember if I did or not. I guess I should give in and buy one of those little pill holder things an dput them in it so I can simply look at the day of the week to see if I have taken them or not. But then that's like admiting Im getting old and can't remember shit. AHH damn it!!! I dont wanna be old!!
On a funny note.. I was talking to my Mom and she told me this cute story about my grandson that lives in florida near her. He is 4 years old.. in fact, my daughter in law gave birth to little Scott the day after Makenna was born, they are one day apart in age. Anyways he was sitting on my Moms lap and she said he was intently looking at her and then he asked...." Grandma why is your hair all white?" She answered him... "Because I am old".... "Ohhhhh" he says. He sat there for a few more minutes and rubbed her arm softly and said "grandma?" She replied "What honey?" He said...... "why is your face all cracked up like that?" LOL I asked Mom if she beat him she said no she was to busy laughing! You know what they say... "out of the mouths of babes." I remember Jenna asking me if we had cars or Tv when I was a kid. Pffft! I told her we rode horses and sat in the dark, just like the amish! Im NOT THAT OLD!!!
Ok I guess I will make this a short one, and go get my laundry folded thats in the dryer.
Hope everyone is having a wonderful day and wishing you all a good week end.
Robin
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, October 9th, 2009
| |
12:37 pm - Day one ....
|
I smoked my last cigarette yesterday evening. Removed all temptation, No cigs here!! Oh yea ..more importantly I got K to quit with me. I am saving his life too!! He can now live the extra 10 mins to 10 years or whatever it is... and Listen to me bitch!! Lucky him!!! LOL Other then when I first woke up and during my first cup of coffee ..I am not missing it as badly as I feared I might.
Put some more ram into my computer.. It really shows an improvement, esp on my silly farm frenzy game. I should be hanging my head in shame, I play that dumb game into the wee hours of the night/morning... I dont have a life or anything.
I am sitting here typing with the little kitty I affectionately named "Troll" He doesn't know it but he isn't what I would call a handsome fellow. However, what he lacks in one department he makes up for in others, He is so sweet you can't help but love him. Troll is about 3 or 4 months old now. Two days ago he decided to do as he had seen his mother do..(perch on the side of the toilet to get a cold drink of water) but he isn't as graceful or agile as his mother... he fell in! Made this God awful , screaming/ scratching sounds getting out LOL I felt so sorry for him I sat here with him wrapped in a towel and held his shivering little body for a good hour. Normally I would have already found a forever home for this kitty but he has been sickly, he has just now learned to eat some soft foods. HIs sibling has been doing it for weeks now.
Me and the kids have named some of Smokies babies... we have....patches (she is a calico), Teddy (long haired black with tiny bits of grey he looks like a teddy bear) Don.. (I named him his hair sticks up in the center like Don Kings lol.) Bandit (grey striped and wearing a mask) Theres the runt which I simply call "STUD" he is tiny .. yet you can tell he is a boy if you know what I mean... lol
Im going to be "the crazy cat lady" when I am old. Not by choice but I just seem to be doomed. I can not turn away an animal, I must feed and nurture them... (its the Mom in me) Its not just cats. Its Dogs, and anything else I feel is in need.
Randy promised my girls a goat...he has one that is pg and due to deliever anytime now. I promised Randy a box full of kittens. He hates cats. lol I thought it was a fair trade myself.
Ok I need to go burn some excess energy off... bbl.
hugs,
Me
current mood: dorky
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 28th, 2009
| |
6:26 am - popping in for a quickie
|
Popping in for a quick post... It's almost time to poke the sleeping bears. I think I'd rather poke a grizzly then to wake Jenna up some mornings. I swear she sort of resembles Linda Blair in The Exorcist. (Without the pea soup.)
My FIL has been laid to rest. The case is still being investigated. Family members are rolling over on other family members pointing fingers every which way. It's sad and frankly its ugly! My FIL's wife (K's step mom) is blaming her daughter. Her daughter is blaming her mother. They are both on drugs and have been for years. Pill snorters, I find that very disturbing. I can't stand to get water in my nose or use nasal spray let alone chop a pill up and snort it up my nostril!! I just dont get the thrill.
The funeral was interesting yet very sad. My FIL was buried in his deputy uniform, was given the firemans last bell, and whistle..along with honor guard, and escort to the grave site by fire engines, and ALSO had the VFW there who played taps, did the 21 gun salute and folding and presentation of the flag. Most funerals don't have that many "themes". The firemans last call was gut wrenching especially since it was delivered by my brother in law who is the fire chief. A very fitting tribute!! I dont care who you are if taps doesnt rip your heart out nothing will. It was an emotional day to say the very least. There were a good 300 people or more at his visitation the night before. It was something!
Theres so much more to this drama I wish I could write it all out but as I said it's all still under investigation and we were told not to talk specifics about the case amongst ourselves or with others. So for now I still with clinched lips and still fingers.
I have missed coming here to vent. K was off all last week he just back to work this morning. I don't like wrting when he is here. Not to mention our phone has been ringing non stop and he is so affraid he will miss an important call, which I understand.
I want to give a special thanks to both Lisa Marie and Jay for your kind words. I read your posts on my last entry I will reply probably today when I have more time. Right now I need to get the stick out and wrestle my sleeping bears!
Hugs to all,
me
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 7th, 2009
| |
10:56 am - Labor day weekend
|
Hello everyone!!
It's Monday, bah humbug! At least it's a Holiday and I didn't have to climb out of bed at 6 am this morn! YAY!!
Happy Labor Day!!
I haven't felt well the past 2 days, my body is aching, and in general I feel weak and crappy. Think I am coming down with a bug of some sort. If I wasn't so sore, I'd blame it on my depression. Reminds me of that cheesy commercial (Where does depression hurt? Everywhere! Who does depression hurt? Everyone! ) lol Even I am rolling my eyes at this one.
I had some weird dreams early this morning. I dreamed I was back living in housing. I was on the phone with K and he was complaining that he wanted to come visit the kids but had no place to stay during his visit, that his sister had a new boyfriend so he couldn't stay there. I said ... "well you should have told me this sooner, I have a new one too. " I then walked to the back door to look out at the kids and standing beside them talking was my dead ex husband. In my dream he was very much alive, and the fact he had died.. well that wasn't something I knew at that time. (In the dream that is) Weird. Don't know where any of that came from, except maybe the poptarts I ate before going to sleep. lol
I picked up my grown daughter and grandkids over the week end. They came and hung out saturday and I took them home Sunday. I made the kids a fire in my fire pit saturday evening, and got out the weinie forks for them to roast some hotdogs over the fire. They all had a good time. My grandson didn't want to go home. They live in the city, have no animals and can't go outside to play and explore like they can here on my hill.
Makenna got stung the other day by a hornet, later the same day one of my puppies got stung and came yelping up the hill. K found the nest it was quite large, nestled half way down the hill attached to a bush by the creek. He went and bought a can of spray and doused it, that really pissed them off! Later that night he had to set it on fire, then Donnie burned it too. LOL Donnie said it had 5 layers to it and K said it was 12 inches wide. Must have been quite impressive, I refused to get close enough to examine it myself. There's a reason people use that old saying "madder then a hornet" and I wasn't about to piss them off. Luckily no one here is allergic to them that I know of.
On another note, while I was gone to pick up my daughter, K was on the comp. When I looked later, he had erased the cache. There was no reason to do that, in fact he denies doing it, but it doesn't erase itself. I don't think I need to tell anyone why this bothers me. Sigh..
Ok I am off to try and find the energy to get some cleaning done.
Till later, hugs to all...
Me
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
| |
11:26 pm - sick and tired...
|
I haven't been on here lately to write. (Ive popped in to read my friends post once or twice but haven't had the gumption required to type about my own thoughts.) I'm sure much of it has to do with this funk Im still trying to shake. It's easier to sit here in my own little world and not acknowledge it at times. I have been coming to the realization that it probably is past time to try and find a real therapist I might be able to express my thoughts to. (I still wish there was a magic pill, or potion to make it all go away! Being me, I also want instant gratification, I know this isn't realistic....but I WANT IT!)
Things are pretty much the same in my household. I have had no energy, my body hurts and half the time I want to just give up on everything! Im sick and tired of being sick and tired!
Last few days have been sort of emotional for me, when I tell you why.. you will probably think I am a silly assed twit! Friday I took two of my older kittens to one of K's patients. When I got home I went to make a cup of coffee and looked down at the "kitten box" (Big plastic tote where I put the Mom cat and her 4 little ones.) They were about 3-4 weeks old beautiful kitties. Anyways I thought one looked "funny" the way it was laying...I poked at it and it was cold!! It had died, which really upset me. I tried to remove it from the box with the others as quickly as I could hoping the girls wouldn't see me do it. I placed it in some plactic bags and put it in the back of my truck until K got home to bury the little one. I then noticed as I was cleaning out the bedding the other little grey one was acting sick too. It wouldnt nurse and acted very lethargic. It died the next morning later as I slept. Broke my heart!! I had stayed up with it trying to get milk in it and willing the little guy to live to no avail!
I cried like a baby! As I held the mommy cat I cried for her, wondering if they morned the loss of their young as humans do? I cried for me, thinking about how badly it sucked to find someone or some animal dead without warning.... I cried because sometimes life is just fucking unfair!
Last night the only other female cat I have came to me crying with a kitten sticking half way out of her body! OH boy.... She went to the couch laid on my comforter, with me beside her she delivered 8 kittens! Holy SHIT! The 3rd one from her was still in its sac, she worked on it for a while... but I think she didn't get the sac off soon enough, it was lifeless. I took the tiny baby kitten and used a towel to try and stimulate it, cleaned its nose and mouth quickly and pressed on its tiny chest with my fingertip to simulate cpr. Yes I am a NUT! K also took it and blew breaths in its face as he pressed on its tiny chest. It was dead. Again I was disturbed!
Later as he and I were talking about the kitten he said why did we do that we already have more cats then either of us wants? My only answer, I can't stand to see anything dead or dying I feel the need to try and help. Be it human or animal.... eventually all these kittens will have new homes. But they deserve the right to life!! He agreed that was the reason he had also attempted to help.
I have my head shrinker appointment coming up on thursday. I am half tempted to skip it and give a lame excuse, and reschedule. I just don't know if I am up to driving the two hours. My very first panic attack happened in my car, and driving is one of my triggers. I just don't know ...
School has started, well it did last week. So that has been good for Jenna. I hate getting up at 6:30 since most nights I can't even fall asleep till 3 or later. God Im getting old!! I hate it! Jenna made the comment the other day that my older kids were lucky I had them when I was still young... lol GEE THANKS KID!
Gonna try to get some rest hopefully I will return to write about more meaningful things tomorrow.
Hugs to all..
me
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 21st, 2009
| |
4:32 pm - Code blue...
|
I don't know what my problem is.. but I can't shake this funk. I found myself in the midst of a giant panic attack this morning, got that under check then broke into tears for no reason.
I feel those familar feelings of sadness .. and Im not even sure what the trigger is this time. Maybe its time for a new med adjustment? Hell if I know. But I feel like shit. Perhaps everything is catching up to me? I just wanna sleep but it escapes me at night.. during the day Im tired. I must find a way to get myself turned around before I reach rock bottom again.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 20th, 2009
| |
12:34 am - Wrapping up the day....
|
We drove into town, (only because Jenna lost a tooth and the tooth fairy didn't have any dollars. This wouldn't do.) I had some movies I needed to return to the redbox anyways and was low on a some household needs, such as TP. Not a good thing to run out of, Im sure you all understand how crappy it is to run out of it. LITERALLY!
I made the little ones happy, the redbox had the new Hannah Montana movie and I rented it after returning the others.
I now have the needed dollars for the tooth fairy. Whew close call! I know its a silly thing but why take away a kids dreams and fantasies so early in life? There will be plenty of time for disappointment and reality much later.
The girls were jabbering in my truck beside me as I drove back from town talking about shooting stars and wishing upon them. Makenna's wish (the 4 yr old) is for fish sticks that dont have to be cooked. I had to scratch my head on this one... but hey it was her wish, the kid loves fish sticks! I often wish I could still have the dreams and innocence of a child. I rememeber having not a care in the world and spinning in the front yard staring at the sky until I fell to the ground dizzy and laughing. If I attempted that now, honestly I would probably toss my cookies!
Sometimes I wonder if my older sister and I were raised in different houses. Our parents both drank quite a bit, but they functioned, I don't think their drinking had any ill effects on us personally. I will say there were many times looking back that I think they showed poor judgement in their actions, but they loved us and we were fed and clothed. We weren't beat, (not to say we never got spankings because we did.) but we weren't abused physically. When you hear my sister tell it she talks about how dysfunctional they were. I dont remember things being all that bad. I can honestly say I don't think I have any emotional scars left by them or their drinking. When she starts talking about all this I just shrug my shoulders. I just find it odd how we both grew up in the same house and she sees things so differently then I do.
Time to check my laundry and try to relax, might beback if I can't sleep.
Until later hugs to you all.
Me
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 17th, 2009
| |
10:07 am - Back from vacation...
|
Last Saturday... K worked with the tramp. I will share my feelings on this one later.
Sunday was the start of his vacation. We packed up the Jeep, and headed for Kentucky. We went to Green-Bo lake. Its a state park boasting a camp site, fishing (along with boat rentals), nature trails, a swimming pool, playgrounds, a lodge with a nice restaraunt, and a small mini golf course.
We arrived at the camp site a little later then we had planned, this isn't unusual for us. We made good time setting up our tent and our camp site, and went off to fish. I caught the first of many blue gils.. That seems to be all I can catch for some reason. I took turns with my pole, then the girls hooking the blue gil, and then letting them reel them in as if they had caught them. We named our fishies before setting them free, we had a george, salty, pepper and I even named the small feisty fish I caught, Pip Squeak! lol The bass in the lake were taunting me. We watched time and time again as they jumped out of the water and right back in. I saw several LARGE ones swimming near the edge of some sort of water plants, but alas I was unable to trick them into biting my worm lol. I did manage to lose a bobber and some hooks getting snagged in those weedy plants. Oh yea and caught a small turtle but he manged to get off my hook just as he cleared the water. The only thing K caught was a buzz, oh and a rather impressive man's size large glove!! (which he reeled in from the bottom of the lake) lol.
We spent 3 nights at the camp grounds, went swimming and fishing, didn't take in the nature trails we didnt have the right shoes. (Thank God, honestly I didn't want to climb the steep hils and such.) We took in nature saw a mama deer and her Two fawns young enough they still had their cute little dots adorning their backs.
It rained and stormed almost daily while we were there, especailly at night. Surprisingly our tent did us well and stayed pretty dry! We camped along the side of a creek. My girls played in the creek everyday. I think they enjoyed that more then anything!! Of course we did smores, cooked out nightly and roasted weinies over the fire. I bought them jiffy pop and popped it over the fire too. They had a good time!!
We returned home Weds, and got to bed early. Thursday, was circus day at the fair!! Friday we went to the fair again! The girls rode the rides, and K won them so many toys and stuffed animals that they have been busy playing with those for the past 2 days. So we all had a busy and entertaining week! Getting away from home and the walls, that all to often threatened to swallow me did me good. I enjoyed the time away with my little family!!
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, August 2nd, 2009
| |
2:32 pm - More weird dreams...
|
I returned to the "Belltower".
Climbing the wooden, winding stairwell, leisurely I went. Feeling the worn spots on the rail as I climbed. The sun was dancing off the walls as it came through the fancy glass panes. I stopped and peered upwards, as I always do... expecting to see the large tarnished brass bell. This time it wasn't there... I panicked, where could a bell that size have gone? A million thoughts raced through me in an instance. Thieves... they've stolen my beloved bell. I flew to the top of the tower there was nothing there but a giant void, the space was empty....cold and lonely. I could hear my anguished sobs echoing off into the "nothingness".
Flash forward.... I am back at work. It is nearing the end of my shift. I just realized I haven't made rounds on hardly any of my patients. I feel shame, guilt, and fear. I rush through the rooms, checking to be sure they are all still breathing. Im going to get fired for this and I deserve it.
Forward again... I am now a patient at the hospital. I accidently took to many pills. It really was an accident but they don't believe me.
That's all I remember... I am sure there were other snippets in there however, they've managed to escape my memory banks.
The belltower dreams are reoccuring. I visit this far off Belltower quite often. In my dreams it is as familar to me as my own hands. Yet I have never been nor seen such a location in this lifetime.
I can fly in my dreams. ALL OF THEM! This is simply a given. When people are after me, I simply levitate and then fly away from them. Rarely can others fly in my dreams, this ability seem's to be unique only to me. In some of my dreams I have even used my ability to fly to impress others.(or to "show off" as it were) I have been at parties where I ask the others if they can do it and I float upwards to the ceiling. I wonder if anyone else can do this in their dreams?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
| |
12:47 am - Dang Im disappointed.
|
I came on here tonight looking to read some of my friend journals. No one posted anything new since yesterday......Sigh what a let down.
It's going on 1 am. K is in bed. I should go molest him. LOL... Is it called molesting if he is possibly willing??? I dunno he was pretty tired, I might be able to wake up certain parts of him however I doubt he would remember anything.
Im wondering why I am drinking coffee this late? Simple, Im out of pepsi... SOMEONE DIAL 911!!
Things to ponder this late at night when you are hopped up on coffee.... WHY do we park in drive ways, and drive on park ways????? hmmm anyone?
My grown daughter nicely... (ok it wasn't nice) reminded me yesterday I need to recolor my hair I have some greys peeking. DAMN IT!!! Why do women get older and looked haggard, yet men are described as distinguished? This disturbs me greatly. The things we do... ohhh and its a long list, to keep ourselves in shape and looking good for men... UGH! Shave a million body parts, or the alternative, wax, and holy Mary mother of God That shit hurts!! Plucking our eyebrows... brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Lotion it, scrub it, mask yourself down... god forbid we start to look our ages! Every womans secret beauty tip... did you know if you wake up with puffy eyes theres a cure for that too???... rub some preparation H on them, just be sure not to get that crap in your eyeballs. STand in front of the mirror to inspect our clothes from every possible angle. Oh yea and if you've got a little belly fat, better wiggle your ass into some sort of girdle or binding type panties. Blow drying our hair and spraying each strand into place? STraighten it, curl it, pull it up in a bun.... carefully applying your make up to accent your assets without making you look like a hooker. One would think as you aged more make up would be better. IN all acuality less is better as you age, that foundation you loved in your teens, 20's even 30's will make a tiny crease stand out on your forehead like a freaking beacon. LOL.. you know the sadest part to this, men would never go through all this trouble to look attractive to us. We are such gluttons for punishment! (Im gonna get off my damned soap box now.)
current mood: weird
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 20th, 2009
| |
10:18 am - rudely awakened..
|
I woke up a while ago to my phone ringing repeatedly. It would ring and then go to voice mail, and start all over again. I finally came in here to answer the damned thing and it was K. Apparently I was supposed to bring some kittens to the unit. I honestly don't remember him telling me this. I did suggest it last night but he said they were going to be there with a cage at 7 am and he knew I wouldn't be up ready by then. I dont remember him giving me another time. SIGH He says he did. Now he is mad at me. ughhh.
To top off my morning the little black and white puppy has learned to escape the blue tote. How I wish I had a collar small enough to fit her and a chain. She would be living it up in the yard! lol In fact I might just hit walmarts just for that reason, three small collars and some chain please. While I am there I should post free puppy signs too! Or maybe I should drive the puppies to walmart and put a big cardboard sign on the front of my pick up... FREE PUPPIES. WOnder how long I would have to sit in that lot before all three had new homes?
Biggest problem is.. the girls will be heartbroken when the puppies go. I have told them from the begining they weren't staying only till they were big enough to eat regular food. That time has come.
The yard needs to be cut. The gas cans for the mower and the weedeater are empty. I mentioned this to K yesterday. He says this yard would be to hard for me to handle. I was thinking the work might give me some much needed stress release, and a decent work out. But I really don't want to hurt my neck or back. Besides it isnt as if I dont have plenty of things to do inside today. SUch is life... oh well guess I should get cracking. Be back later.....
me
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, July 18th, 2009
| |
12:03 pm - rambling
|
Hey it's noon and Im nursing my first cup of coffee. I need MORE gimme MORE! lol
My head is still a bit fuzzy from sleep, so forgive my lousy writing, not that I ever write well... but Im trying here.
E for effort??? lol
My son who is 19 and proudly serving in our ARMY as a combat medic called last night to say hello. I miss him terribly. He just got married 2 weeks ago and sadly I wasn't there. Of corse they did a JOP thing for now, just to get her to where he is stationed and get everything going with his extra allowance for quarters. They say they will have a big wedding possibly next summer? We shall see. His new wife is a gem. I love her and honestly I couldn't have choosen better for him if I had hand picked her myself. I can only hope that their youth doesn't cause them the same heartaches I myself experienced getting married at a young age! Looking for hope.. I really don't have to look far, my parents married when my mother was 16 and my father was 20, they are still married today and my mother is 63 years old.
K called this morning from work to ask if he had done something wrong. I guess as he kissed me this morning and told me he loved me I growled in my sleep. I assured him I was not angry I was simply sleeping and didn't even remember it. lol
I can not be held accountable for anything I say or do when I am half asleep. My son once woke me up to write him a note for Jr high letting them know why he had been absent the day before. I was so out of it and confused I keep falling back asleep holding the pen and paper and he kept yelling at me.. "MA.. come on, write my note"
Finally I scribbled off something and handed it back, I rolled over and he started yelling at me again. "What the hell is this?" I grabbed the paper back and read my words. It said he was allowed to go with his Dad? lol.. His Dad had nothing to do with what I was supposed to be writing. I re-did the note and he left. The school called me that afternoon to see if I had writen the note or had my boy forged it? lol My writing looked that bad!! Sadly the older set of my kids took advantage of my sleeping habits and would ask me for money, or to do things I would normally say no to. Rotten lil shits!
It looks gloomy outside today. Perfect sleeping weather. It is cool inside the house still and I haven't even turned on the AC. Yesterday it rained on and off all day. Thank God I bought the girls some new DVD's the day before. Me and J were fighting last night because I was coloring in her book and she was trying to dictate which colors I was allowed to use for what. LOL I won!! Yay!! A victory in crayola war! She was mad at me though because I don't color the skin on people and had to add her own touches when I had completed my masterpiece. Ehhh everyone is a critic even my 8 yr old!
current mood: sleepy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
1:53 am - today....
|
Actually it was pretty uneventful. Nothing really exciting happened. Noone pissed me off to the point I felt the urge to choke anyone. Just an average day. I guess in retrospect this is probably a good thing. I have had enough drama lately to last me an entire lifetime!
I didn't even do much today. I probably should have.. but it rained on and off all day and my bones were aching. So much for getting anything of major importance taken care of. Dont get me wrong its not as if I did absolutely nothing, I did wash dishes, cleaned out the puppies box (which is quite disgusting) , washed some clothes and did a few other chores. The rest of the day I watched tv. Shame on me!! lol
Ok well I don't really have much to talk about at the moment I just popped in to read about others on my list and to wind down before going to bed. So goodnight all!
Me
current mood: drained
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 17th, 2009
| |
7:40 am - This juice makes Grandma's heart on fire.
|
Im sitting here in what should be the early morning silence. Instead I am listening to three puppies whine, bark and howl. Their mother is litterally a bitch, she hears them yet refuses to get off her dead ass to feed them. I sometimes hold her down in order to allow her pups to nurse off her. For some reason she isn't very maternal. It is nearing the time to find homes for the three babies, and I will be happy to give them up.. yet a bit sad too. The girls will really miss them. They carry them around daily playing with them and spoiling them rotten. They even clean up the "messes" the puppies make. Now thats love! lol
A little after 8 am. I am on my second cup of coffee! Im thinking of getting out of the house today. I am thinking of driving into town and visiting my grown daughter and my granddaughter. Ohhh speaking of my grand daughter, my daughter called to ask if I had ever told her little one that orange juice gives me heart burn. I said yea I did tell her that, why? She said little miss Faith was sitting there drinking a paper carton of OJ and announced to her mom... "Grandma told me she can't drink this juice, it makes her heart on fire" . I got such a kick out of that. The way the four year old mind works.. she took heartburn to mean my heart was ablaze. Shes such a funny little creature.
K has already called me twice from work today. I missed the first call couldn't get to the phone fast enough and even though I called the unit right back, he had already stepped outside to smoke. He called back 10 mins later and asked if I had called. Hmmm ok I can't put that much thought into this one now because I will drive myself crazy, well crazier then I already am. Anyways he said he had called to wish me a good day and to tell me he loved me. I will simply just have to accept that sentiment and not worry that he wasn't sure if it was me or someone else trying to contact him.
The girls are still sleeping they had a late night movie marathon. They were watching the new movies we purchased for them at walmart yesterday. I love digging in the 5 dollar bin for hidden treasures. I bought them the Benji movies. I know they are old, but I really loved the Benji movies when I was younger and I thought they might also enjoy them. I was right.
Guess Im going to go get another cup of coffee look at emails and chill in the now silent morn hours until my girls decide to get up. Be back later...
me
current mood: lazy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 16th, 2009
| |
1:42 am - optimistic
|
The past few days have been pretty pleasant. I have slacked off on the detective work... not to say he has won my trust back completely, but he does appear to be working on it.
I've been really tired, not sure if it is simply the release of so much built up stress and so many sleepless nights, or perhaps... my age is simply catching up to me? LOL egads!!
I found it almost amusing when K's boss called this evening and asked me if K could work tomorrow. What could I say...? "umm I dunno let me give him the phone". K told me a few days ago he had spoken to his boss about working with that girl and told him he could not do it at all anymore and if they were scheduled to work together he would call off, or one of them would have to go. He told his boss he was working on his family an marriage and thats just the way it had to be. According to K his boss basically told him it was about damned time and was proud of him. That made me laugh! K has been pretty attentive and affectionate the past few days. Hope it lasts.
My 8 yr old has made 2 more notes to adorn the side of the fridge. Bless her little heart!
The 4 yr old took a big tumble from the shopping cart in walmart last night, scared the shit out of me!! Im getting to old for this , I keep saying it but it is true. I mean I have grandkids the same ages as my two youngest.... what the hell was I thinking? Im not sure if they keep me young or make me older? lol I will probably need a walker to attend their graduations ..LOL. Oh yeah and maybe some adult diapers. Jess my oldest daughter (shes 24) has already informed me... she will not clean my ass when I get old. SO I guess I will be in a nursing home, unless I can convince one of the others to take care of me, LOL. Probably have better odds at winning the lottery!
Ive already taken my xanax for the night and my eyes are quite heavy, so I guess it is time for me to wish all you fellow blurty's goodnight! Rest well!!
Me
current mood: hopeful
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 13th, 2009
| |
4:07 pm - I love you too J
|
Sometime early this morning after K left for work, I felt someone creeping into the bed as silently as possible. I opened one eye and there was my 8 yr old climbing in beside me. I patted the spot next to me and smiled..."come on boogerface, let's snuggle" and so we did. Her and I went back to sleep, cuddled up in our own little ball. Those are the moments I forget sometimes to cherish. When I woke up it was nearly noon. I heard the phone ringing in the livingroom and opened my eyes and looked around, the 8yr old was beside me and on the other side of her the 4 yr old had stealthy climbed in without my noticing. They looked so innocent lying there both sound asleep. A feeling of love overtook me and I almost cried!
I came into my livingroom and sat at my desk, morning rituals you know. Sit at desk while coffee is brewing look at emails and do my detective works as I have been in the past few months. I don't want to be a detective today. SO I sat there staring blindly when I saw a simple piece of paper laying on my desk. In a childs hand it had a good sized heart drawn on it and three simple words scrawled in the center... I LOVE YOU! Awww what a wonderful way to start this day! I was once again reminded how very precious my little girls are, yes they drive me nuttier then a fruit cake at times, but they love as only a child can..completely unconditional! If only we could all feel that way, into our adult years I mean. I did write her a note back in large carefully printed words. J, I love you! I drew little hearts on it and signed it... love always, Mom. Im sure my note didn't mean nearly as much to her as her's did to me (it now its taped on the side of the fridge so I don't forget) but her smile when she read my words lit up the room for me...!!
Thank you God! For giving me beautiful children, for reminding me life is worth living, and for showing me how blessed I truly am.
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
1:58 am - the weekend...
|
K had the week end off. We did nothing. We spoke very little. In fact when he got home friday evening I wasn't home and I was in a shitty mood to begin with so... when I walked into the house, I admit I had a bit of attitude. I sort of dropped my groceries on the floor and walked back outside to get the rest of them he followed and carried some in also. He dropped his in the floor too and said "just want to do this like you did". PFFFFFFFT!!!!My reply... "oh whatever".
I could physically feel my own eyeballs rolling in a violent circle in my head. I was annoyed!!
All weekend, neither of us talked to the other much. Just how it was. I continue to sulk in my own juices. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him, yet Im so fucking angry still, Im so hurt, and I still feel the need to put a 20 foot brick wall to guard my poor shattered heart from anymore harm!
So today he asks if Id like to run to the store without the girls and grab us some pop and stuff. Problem is... Im still thinking about how he shoved me out the door before to get stuff so he could get on the phone! So no I didn't want to go. He ended up going to the store himself. After he got back about 45 mins or so later, phone rings its an "unknown caller" I answer... I could hear someone on the line but they didn't talk and they hung up on me. He said "who was that?".. and damn it I couldn't help myself. I said "it was your girlfriend and I answered so she wouldn't talk, you know she doesn't like talking to me." That was shitty of me. Im so tired of biting my tongue! It was my first thought and damn it to hell... I spit it out hatefully! I was so frustrated I wanted to break things. I mean I wanted to pick shit up and slam it into walls. I don't usually let my anger get to me like this. I hate negative energy!! As a rule... if I am annoyed or angry I will walk away to think things out carefully and then if it's something that really got to me.. I will choose my words carefully before blurting them out. I really dislike having to raise my voice. So generally I dont raise my voice, unless Im truly excited. Ok sometimes my kids make me yell, but they are partially deaf, or at least when it comes to me they are! Lol.. (freaking selective hearing)
By his bedtime... well we had a little tiff. I don't know if I feel better ,worse or same as I did before. But somethings gotta give here. I swallowed my pride long enough after all was said and done to kiss and hug him godnight and make sure he did know that I DO IN FACT STILL LOVE HIM!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 10th, 2009
| |
2:38 pm - what now?
|
How to move on from here? I'm not sure how.
I ask for suggestions and I get "take the phone cords and computer cord when you leave". Uhh what if I have an accident and need to call home? I then can't call because I have the fucking phone cord!!! Besides I shouldn't HAVE TO TAKE ANYTHING ANYWHERE!
To stay, go or make him leave?? To try this one more time, or not? To cut my losses and run with it?
So many factors to consider. The baby (well she is 4) but still our baby together, sadly she is semi-aware of all thats happening. I heard her walking through the house with her toy cell phone saying..."first you click on pictures then you hit details, and it tells you when it was taken".) I cringed. I don't or didn't want her to have these sort of childhood memories. Every since I brought this to K's attention he yells if I mention anything in front of the girls. SOmetimes I can't help myself. I am so consumed with feelings, hurt , anger ,betrayal, I am disguted when I climb into the family Jeep knowing Im sitting in the spot this nasty whore sat baring her pussy and her tits as my husband snapped off pics on a dead cell phone!
Problem is I do still love him. There is no easy answer. I can not trust him. That part is shattered at the moment. I want to claw his eyes out sometimes for making me suffer. For ruining my self esteem. For making me look so fucking foolish!
I want to kick the shit out of the little 29 year old home wrecking whore! I want to pluck every bleached blonde hair out of her head!! I want to drive to the unit and ask for the cowardly bitch !! If I cant kick her ass, I want her to know I was there!!! I want to publicly humilate her!! Mutilation would be preferable. I thought of visiting the unit with the cell in hand.. and showing anyone who walked in or out the pictures. I thought of printing the pictures off and distributing them. Or plastering them all over the web!! But whores love attention she would simply be getting free advertising on my part, so she could sit back and cry and pretend to be one of lifes victims.
Tired of sitting here watching my life go to hell... I want results!! Action!!
K has said he is done with the bullshit. But didn't I hear this before? Haven't I been hearing this for 5 months now? He has asked for forgivness once again. He has said he doesn't want her. He says it was an ego stroking thing. She made him feel younger. He is almost 41 she is 29. He liked the attention. Im 44, Im not going to compete with anyone, let alone some young girl! And certainly not for the affection and or attention of my own husband? Im tired of being the detective. Yet if I can't trust him to stay off our home phone while I am away how do I trust him to leave for work? These are all questions I have asked K. He had no real answers, except take the cords with you.
I keep waiting for answers. I keep waiting to see how he is going to prove his true feelings. Other then saying the words and watching the girls while I slept all day yesterday I haven't seen it. Tell me whats the plan???
Because Im still so very hurt, so very confused and so very sad inside.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| |
1:31 pm - just one of those days.....
|
I slept most the day yesterday. The lack of sleep finally caught up to me. It was bound to happen! Pffft!
This is going to sound even nuttier then my usual rambling but sometimes I wish instead of being depressed I could be Bi-Polar... Yes bi-polar. Why you might ask? Well I suffer from severe major depression, combined with panic attacks and anxiety. For once I'd like to have the energy of a bi-polar in the manic phase. Instead of always feeling so tired and energiless, Id love to run through my house like a kid hopped up on mountain dew! I want to jump on the beds and furniture and blame it on the mania! I want to smack the shit out of the many people who strive to keep me in the dumps. I want to sing loudly and obnoxiously... and once again blame this on my mania! Wow, the good and the bad things I might be able to accomplish given one good phase of mania. I could clean my whole house top to bottom without having to physically drag my ass behind me for a change.
While Im typing about dumb stuff let me go on record as saying I want an ass transplant! No no, nothing in my asshole itself. I want a bigger rounder ass! I have a tiny one but plenty boobs, so I want more booty !!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 9th, 2009
| |
9:54 pm - continued from last entry
|
When I hit redial on the 5th after checking the caller ID. My own number appeared. This is how we check voice mail. Im sure that K thought that was a safe bet. However if he had actually checked voice mail... my number woud have been followed by a whole set of other numbers. The * and 6 digit pin, then the different numbers it prompts you to punch in to actually use the voice mail. They were absent. I knew that once again I had been betrayed. He waited till I left and once again used our home phone to call her.
I then logged on to our home phone account on the internet. Instead of the usual tears that filled my eyes in the past I felt a sense of rage boil through my body. I was furious!!
At 1:30 a.m. I stomped into the bedroom flinging the door wide open. I turned on not only one light but all 3 in the room. I filled the tub which is in the master bedroom throwing my clothes at the wall as I peeled them off. I slammed the glass doors on the shower (several times). He didn't hardly move, he did roll over to keep the light out of his eyes but that was the most I got. Only making my anger worse. I loudly took the hottest bath my hot water heater would allow. When I was finished I slammed the glass doors a few more times climbed out and walked to the bed where he slept. As I stood there staring down at him I unwrapped my towel then threw it at the wall. I opened and slammed dresser drawers while finding and putting on my clothes for bed. When I finished I was so angry I could no longer wait for my loud noises to wake him. I nudged him awake.
I don't remember how I started the conversation... I do remember telling him I was aware of his phone activities once again. I remember asking him "is her pussy lined with gold nuggets or are you simply so in love that you can't seem to stay away from her?" At first I was accused of being insane (once again) but as I explained the visit on the web to our home phone carrier his tone chaned to "I didnt even talk to her". Point is you were trying to. The number was dialed. Regardless of if you achieved your goal... it was there!! Over and over in the past 5 months I have been accused of being insane as he continued to make calls. I can't take this any longer. I won't!!
Without going into great detail at the moment I will also tell you that he had gone to work one day, and I got no call at his first break, but shortly before his lunch break he called to say they were having some sort of meeting at lunch time and everyone had brought in dips. So he wouldn't be "able" to talk to me then. I tried to remain cheerful but I didn't feel that way. In fact I was so uneasy that I drove the 26 miles to his unit. I didn't see the jeep in the parking lot that day. In all fairness I didnt drive around the entire lot either, but it isnt that big and I should have seen the jeep from where I was. When I got home that day he was already there. But then I had stopped at a gas station and then a few stores before coming home. I felt very uneasy about the whole thing and I knew that girl was working that day I had the copy of the master schedule. So I asked about her. He was his usual defensive angry about my questions saying that yes she had worked that day but that they hadnt even spoken to each other except about work related things when they had to. I confessed to having driven to the unit and not seeing the jeep. This really made him angry that I was "checking up on him, how dare I!"
exactly 3 days later I was searching for some change while K was inside working on some electrical issues. I looked in my truck first and took some out of it. I then went to the jeep and opened the console looking in it. I stumbled upon an old deativated cell phone, and it was powered up? I had just seen that phone several days before sitting in the house deader then a door knob.
We live out in the sticks, we dont get cell service at home. SO I took the phone and hid it in my truck. I got what I needed and drove to the store. Once there I took the phone out and looked at recent call activities.. and sure enough her home phone number was the last one stored in it. On june 11 the same day he had worked with her. The day of the "dip party". The day I felt so uneasy about. The day I drove to the unit. I don't know why or what pocessed me to look in the pictures on the phone then but I did. A curiousity I almost instantly regretted. As the pictures loaded the first 5 were all pictures I had never seen on there. The first was a vagina. (NOt mine) the next 4 were boobs in a bra in various poses. one showing the nipple. No face shots! None of the pics were of me. I felt sick!! I went home and hid the phone back in my truck and tried to be "normal". I scanned my brain trying to remember the last time I had looked through the pics in that phone. It had been a long time ago. That phone hadnt been activated since before K and I had reuntied last oct. The phone had set useless and dead on top of my refridgerator for months before we moved here on june 6th. I myself had packed it. I had also unpacked it here. My kids had been trying to play with it a few short days before it disappeared into the Jeep.
Later that day.. he said lets go to the store we all climbed in the jeep and his first thing to do was check the console and ask where his phone had gone. I wont go into the whole story but we had a small tiff about it and I asked about the call and the pics. He denied any new pics claiming those pics were on there from way back saying his friend had taken them one night of some girl he was with. I really didnt remember when I had looked last so it was a point I could not argue and didnt really try. I did ask about her number which he claimed he didnt actually call he simply did it as a way to store her number so he wouldnt forget it. He was right the phone had no service I tried to make a call with it myself. I was troubled about the whole thing. I didnt return his phone.
Life went on as usual for a few days. I tried to be cheerful and optimistic about things. But there was a nagging feeling about this whole thing that refused to leave me alone. One early morn when he left for work I got the phone out powered it up and looked again at the pics zooming in searching for details. I then discovered there was an options button and the one of the options was details for the picture. I clicked it and it said... the pictures were taken June 11, 2009 my heart sank!!
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|