Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in This thing that I write in's Blurty:

Sunday, June 29th, 2003
7:42 pm	Changes So...I didnt sleep at all last night.Insomnia will do that.I have it for a while.I sleep sometimes but hardly ever.But anyway...yea I talked with My friend Brandi the whole night.It was a good conversation and heart felt.Yea I miss Cynthia...alot.I'm still scared she tells me not to be...she think's alot a lil to much.I remember when she was happy...I dont know if she still is anymore.I love her thoe I just wish she would fill me in on what she's thinkin sometimes.I'd like to know...what is wrong what is good what she is thinking.I just wish she would tell me something.Well I thought about her the whole day and I wrote something. Moon walking and star gazing is over rated. The night's moon has filled up the sky.The rain from befor has set it self to the ground,with the reflection of the street light,the air turned thin,and now you have to learn to breath again. walking past the street signs that I kissed goodnight,stalked by the stars and floresent lights,across the highway under the bridge, headlights from cars light a dark street,past the fire department,the evil church,and parts of a broken bike,down a dark lonely allyway, and down a longer street,shadows pass me by..and wonder,the night plays tricks on the mind,cd player turned on full blast,blue meanies heard as I pass through a lonely street,half past 11 I made it to your house and sat and waited,nervious that you may not come out i still sit,firehidrante by my side, then you arived,scared you walk by looking,to only find out it was me,we walked in to the woods wher you and i could be alone,the rain made the ground wet ad our feet stuck together in it,black and white pictures only mean so much when the color is taken away, we kissed,i screwed up,you tell me how i sweapt you off your feet when i ran to the bus,i smile cause i was happy,we sat by a giant hole,and stared up at the stars,feeling helpless and filled as i held you in my arms,i hoped the moment would last a life time,noise in the woods creeps up on us,and we left,to walk down more streets ,drives,avenues,to dance in the street light, no music,but the beats of my heart,we stop,walked some more over the metal rail and under the t-lines,broken glass shined in the moon light,spray paint marked our everyway,to wind up half way down a street holding one another,we sat in the road,and talked and up again, just to lay on a on some strangers steps and you looked at me as i fell alsleep,bitten by bugs news papper pillow i woke up happy,only to move to the middle of the street wher i stripped for you,and put your clothes on, ha you said i turned you..even tho i knew you wher kidding it was warm,pushed up against a telephone poll heart racing,to walk away down a diffrent street,cause we were scared of what was behind us,on to portion road, florecent lights now consumed us,to walk again to your house the way i came felt saffer,we tried to say goodbye,goodnight,and walk away but we ran again to eachother to just kiss,again,feeling happy,we left with smiles and full souls and hearts,to end up here now.what happend? we were so into eachother what happend,nevermind ,i know and your thoughts that you keep to you self,will destroy us all. Yea it's gay. (Comment on this)
1:26 am	Hmmmmphhh no name for this one. Well I just got back from work.If none of you know wher I work at a Hounted House.Yea it's June I know...but thers still stuff that needs to be done.Like setting up reherseing and all that shit.John Victor and I went as they were almost done setting shit up.It's gonna be good this year let me tell ya.Well Im saw Cynthia yesterday...it was nice.She made me feel good again.Crossing still.Yea so I have nothin left to say.Bye. Current Music: NONE (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
11:13 pm	Good Bye's have been said. Hmpphhh.We'll I have been thinkin alot and some stuff just leaves that bitter taste in my mouth.I hate writing about this stuff..cause I get all emotional and shit but it gets worse if I leave it all in.I just wonder how much things would have been diffrent if some stuff had not of happend.Have ya ever felt like yer a failure? how you want to be good so bad but yer nature will just not allow it.How yer such a jelious person and you cant help but be that way.Yea I feel all of this and more.I hate it too...I hate knowing I have failed my Grandma ther person I love with all my heart.She's dead has been for a long time....I just cant help but wonder wher she is and if ther is a god and a heven is she up ther? or is she in ireland a place she wanted to go to for so long but died befor she could.Can she see me now? see the person I have became? does she still love me like she did? I think she can see me she can hear me and read what I write.I know she can..I just hope she still cares and wher ever she is shes happy.I'm sorry for what I have become I'm sorry for the way I treat other people. My Grandma was a great person.She was smart funny sweet and had a boston axcent like no other.My Grandma tought me to be proud of who I am and what I am.That's why i'm proud to be irish.I'm not just irish tho I'm a mutt like my family.My Grandma was full blooded irish.I remember all those talks we used to have in her room about my atittude and how I should treat other.But she really didnt care about other unless they were family or white irish catholic.She was racist as all fuck...drunk..no..but racist..yes.But befor she died she stoped that whole feeling towards others and gave up.She wanted to clean her self befor she died I guess.I was a very racist person when I was a kid...and I regret every min of it.Cause people have so much to say.Well anyway she used to tell me stories about when she was young and how things went back then.I could listen to her for hours..but I didnt I went and chilled with my friends.Who were all Drunks pot heads skaters and riders and I was part of that.I was bad with the beer.We used to ask homeless people to get us booze and we'd give them some.Yea we did give em some but it didnt make it right.Well i just wish i stayed with her for a lil longer cause she was great.And she would kill me if she ever knew about my past..hell she'd kill me now if she has seen what I have become.I'm still selfish jelious and disrespectfull to my family...it's not like i'm always right..but I know for shit sure they arent either.My family hates me now.For the was I dress and the way I did my hair and my atittide towards america,relgion and shit.But Oh well no matter.In the Wakefield Family you have no Say you spoke when spoken to.Other wise ya get beat.Yea well that was a down and still is I'm still hated.Yea but my Grandma yea she didnt hate me she loved her Grandkids.She bought me everything I wanted.And I never said one fuckin thank you.I regret it so much.I wish i was better but truthfully the person that makes me want to be a better person is Cynthia..I dont know how she made me feel that but she did.I have had a thing for her for a while and now shes mine.It's only been a week for us and I feel like i have known her for a long time.She just rubbs me the right way.So all in all she's my goal.To make my self better for her and for anyone else.I love her already.Hehe well back to my Grandma....well she died of lung disease from smoking...ohh god smoking is disgusting..biggest turn off ever.Blah well she quit for a while and went cold turkey and made it...but the damage was done.She died January 9th 2001...at my uncels house.I couldnt go see her at the hospital cause she had tubes all in her and I couldnt bare to see her like that.I didnt want to know she could be here one day and the next not and the last image of her I would remember was her with tubes everywher.NO! Never would I want to see her or Remember like that NEVER! She was beutiful .Well she was moved to my uncels house in ronkonkama and I went to see her ther.The image i remember was her just laying in a white bed with the tv on.I went to talk to her and we talked for a while.She was getting sick..so she made me leave ...ok so i walked out and sayed to my uncel who hates me "Will she be alright?" even tho I knew she wouldnt.I was Just hoping for some thing to save me from the thoughts.My uncel says"Stupid question from an even more stupid person" I walked away numb.Cause yea he was right.Well I went and saw my grandma one last time with my lil bro.She looked at him for her last time and sayed good bye like she did to us all.I looked at her and she looked at me and she said be good.And she said I love you..I had to go to school the next day so I had to leave so i did.The next day ..my mom told me she died.Yea my heart skipped a beat..and yea I died inside.Well the moral of this was to make sure ya get to say goodbye befor you did.I didnt get to say what I wanted to say.So I will now. Nanny I love you I miss you.I'm sorry if I ever wronged you in anyway.I'm sorry for I have become and with the help of someone very great I will change.I love you goodbye Nanny.. say Hi to Gramps for me. R.I.P Monica Wallace. -Love you Nanny always and forever. Current Mood: content Current Music: When irish eyes are smiling (Comment on this)
1:57 pm	Sorry Sorry about any miss-spellings in my last entry.Although my current mood was "Awake" I asure you I was falling asleep that or I just cant spell.Wich ever you prefer.Nigga....Done. This does not count as an entry. No no it doesnt. Current Mood: cranky Current Music: Dillinger Four-Our Science is tight (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
11:52 pm	Hmmmmphhhhh a recap of yesterday cause nothing good happend today. Well kids it's now my second journal entry.Yay! for me...(fucker).Eh I havent seen Cynthia in two days...I have grown acustom to her.Very needy but miss her she's ummmmmmmmm I wont say. I just hope she feels better in the morrow so I can see her.So let's do a quick re-cap of yesterday shall we? Yea I think we shall ..not like you had a choice.Well yesterday started rather boring I was soposed to go to work but I didnt cause they didnt need me( not a surpise not many people do).Well Cynthia had plans so I couldnt see her so Then ther was John.John came over around 7 or so we went to our usual hang out and chilled. K-Mart now sucks not like it was any good befor but it's like so fuckin gay now.Notice when you are younger how things seem so cool but when ya look at them when you get older you wonder why you ever thought that place or thing was cool and while you do that you smack yer self in the face cause you now relize how much of an ass you once were.Yea I seem to do that alot.I'm all about making mistakes I have made many and still am. So we chilled at K-mart for a few then shoot over to the Doller store that is run by some sort of asain people (that was not racist at all) and they will just follow you around the store trying to be sneaky but ther not fooling anyone when they stand 3 feet away from you.Ok so we leave that store John runs back in to get his glasses and see's this hott chick...eh she looked like a bird..really.John walks outside and just looks at her in the window for 5 min she bends down he runs away.Then we walk to stop-N-shop just so we can sit down by the frozen foods and chill.We are sitting at a tabel and some old guy walks in and just bends down right in front of us.Now we wouldnt mind it to much ...yea we would cause it's a guy.But to make matters worse he has like shorts on that are cut up to his nutts and he had the ahhh I dont wanna talk about this anymore.Ok soo we leave and go to BK for some drinks ok we get ther and ther is this contraption that takes pictures and shit so John makes him self look like a coy boy.Ok now they only show you the head of the body so when yer done yer body is in some sort of postition so John does his stupid face and he already looked gay.So when the picture up loads it comes with the body they we couldnt see.So the picture was of a cow boy in a metal bath with bubbels holding a brush and Johns gay lil winky face.And to top it all off it said in a caption above "Howdy Partner.....pass the soap". If that's not saying something well ya get the picture.So we leave ther feeling ashamed for what we have just saw and a smile on our face cause it was funny.So we walk to The party store and it's closed so we stole the balloons in fron of the store.That's what they get motha fuckas...eh god i'm stupid.Well we sucked all the air out'a the balloons i dont know if ya can consider that getting high but we did get really light headed I fell a couple of times.The balloons we had were some graduation circel balloon and a sponge bob balloon John fineshed his balloon after he in ahaled the whole fucking thing impersonating Long Island Punk God Shawn Clap.I dont expect most of ya to know who he is but he's in a band Called the Clap(from ny) go on mp3.com ther stuff is rather good if ya liked Dead Kennedys and The Circel Jerks.So he killed sponge bob then we went dumpster diving and ya know what that means.Free Food!!!!!!! month old bagels the had been soaked cause it rained the previous night.No we did eat them it was all a game we just went from dumpster to dumpster making as much noise as we could till someone came out.Someone did That someone was the pizza guy who we then told we had no homes and no food.He then gave us two slices of pizza.Now I'm not proud of this at all but it does go to show you kindness has yet to die in such a raveness world.Regardless if he just felt bad or didnt believe us he still gave us two slices of pizza out of the kindness of his heart.I felt bad after ,John having no soul did not but still I take the time and say thank you to the pizza man.Ya learn a lesson everyday mine was some people still care...John doesnt.Well that seem's to be all that happend...aside from me goin all emo on ya kids telling you about how I waited up till hours of the night for Cynthia to sign on to the on-line.Eh I'm done niggaz....... peace out sleep well. Cynthia babe i love you. Current Mood: awake Current Music: A Radio with Guts-Tragic Music (Comment on this)
2:51 pm	My firts journal entry (is fucking stupid and gay please move along and avoid this) Hello kids.How are ya's? Ok so for the past couple of hours I have been thinking alot.Alot about stuff that would hurt me to get in to them. I have just noticed a slight change in things lately.Like me I'm changing rather quick...ya see I was once the stupid "punk" that hated everything aside from punk music.But then I started to hang around new people and I started to get in to all sorts of music.My friend Victor who is aside from being the most politicaly correct person but he is also the most opened minded as well.He got me into alot of diffrent types of music as well as proving a point to me.The point was to think for your self as well as the majority.I took that as we all conform to non-conformacy. I owe Victor credit for this cause I was closed minded for a long time.I was once this stupid mall metal kid who hated everything that wasnt metal.You all know the type the kid's you see in random shoping centers and or outlets the mall is the biggest haven for them.But yea I was into slipknot,orgy,static-x the list goes on.Not like anything is wrong with those band from time to time I still will put on some slipknot and static-x but i'm getting off track.Ok the point is it's better to open your mind to other things then just sticking to one.My girlfriend is another person who has helped me become a more open minded person.She likes alot of the soft heart felt music.Wich is not bad at all she got me into Taking back sunday..wich is a rather good band.Cynthia ahh I could fill up a whole journal about her but I cant...cause then i'd feel like I was suffocating her.I'll only say so much about her just so she still will know I love her.Cause I do..I have never been so happy in a long time.I'm sure you all know how this goes thoe.So I'll just say all the stuff makes her great. Well for one thing I love her mind,she's so smart I hate how she doesnt see it. Her form of art..is amezing if I ever get a chance I'll post up pictures she did..if I have her consent cause they really are worth seeing. I love how she's strong..she's not like a man strong but she's a tough kid.i love it. Her Beauty is just pouring off of her.I also hate how she doesnt see that. She has a smile that can light of room and atittude that goes along with it. She's is as well open minded she tryed to give my music a chance but I guess she rubbed off a lil more on me then I could on her..eh them's the breaks. Well Cynthia is just her self..ther is not a flaw about her not a thing I could ever change even if i wanted to. I just cross my heart and my fingers that nothing happens as much as I know something will, I just dont like the feelings I get sometimes.But I wont bother ya people with my worries it's summer time and that stars are gonna be out soon.Gosh that sounds so emo.Ohh the things people will do for love. Yea I got really of track but I dont feel like getting back on track so yea....so is this enough for you people? I mean what did ya expect it's my first time doing this shut up.Fuckin Vultures you people are. I'll end this with a thing I wrote. "The more and more we try to stay away from hypocracy the more we contribute to it" Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Aus-Rotten No Justice No Peace (Comment on this)