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[20 Jul 2008|09:12pm] |
i can't wait to seriously move out some days. tonight my family and i went to dinner. i always want to scold the things my family does because it's so embarrassing and rude to other people. like when we walked into the restaurant we were told that we could not be seated for another 45 minutes because of the restaurant's busy night. my mom so obviously rolled her eyes, sighed loudly and said "fine". seriously, it's not the restaurant's fault that they are so busy! and i'm sure the hostess wasn't overly thrilled after so she probably wouldnt seat us even after 45 minutes. then while we were waiting we were looking at a menu and i looked at it for like less than 15 seconds because my sister had it infront of her and was talking and not looking at it and she's like "fine i'll just go get another one" i was like holey ok here and then she tried to make it seem like i was the one being irrational! i didnt want to go get another one because im sure the restaurant needed them because they were so busy already like it's not like we can take them all when we're just waiting. so then i just didnt talk to her and i was pretty pissed off at her.
i ABSOLUTELY hate when my mom asks me the following questions at a restaurant: "what are you having?" TEN SECONDS AFTER I GET THE MENU "what are you drinking? sprite? want a sprite? sprite?" NO I CAN DECIDE FOR MYSELF "is the food good?" i haven't even put it in my mouth yet...
she could tell i was mad at my sister and the atmosphere was tense, she asked me what i was having and i guess it was predictable so i said it and she takes the other menu and is like searching through it so i took it back and piled it with the other ones. she flips out! "you didnt have to grab it from me! AHDKASHL" seriously i didnt even grab it from her, i just took it? then she got all upset and went to the bathroom and then it was so awkward for the rest of the night
like was she seriously mad at me? for what? i didnt even do anything but whatever i get blamed for everything. like the other day! i was in my room and it was garbage day the next day so i gathered it all and put it in a bag before dinner in the garbage area so we could add to it before we put it out the next morning. she screams down the hall "WHERE ARE THE BAG TAGS? YOU HAD THEM! WHERE ARE THEY!" i honestly didnt even touch them at all ever. seriously chill! i didnt touch your fucking bag tags!
oh yeah i was extremely mad at her the other day. it was her birthd ay and she asked me to do a whole crap load of things. she was like: "empty the dishwasher, clean both bathrooms, cut the lawn, take your laundry" i have no problem doing housework but she NEVER thanks me for it. i do it all the time! when i get home from work i usually tidy all the crap up in the house, take a shower and then do whatever i see needs to be done. like if the dishwasher is full, i empty it everytime. or if the sink is full of dishes i wash them everytime. just like all that kind of stuff. i always vacuum, do the garbage, sweep, swiffer, do the dishes, declutter/tidy, laundry like every single day. so when i was done i was like yeah i did all that stuff you asked me to do and she's like oh ok. no "thank-you"? um k, dont ever ask me to any housework then. i do it even when she doesnt ask me to do it. so i told her i was like "i always do housework" and she's like "yeah... but you could do more..."
LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ELSE MORE? WHAT THE FUCK?!
seriously i want to yell at her so bad and say like wtf are you talking about? i'm the one that always cleans your shit up afterwards
and i hate being treated like im such a little kid. i've shown so much responsibility by working two jobs, working and succeeding in school, doing everything i'm told and just like everything like that. my mom still treats me like i dont know anything and i hate it. she has to know where i am all the time too. like i'll tell her "well i'll be at work" "ok call me later and tell me what youre doing" uh what will i be doing? hm. probably working! like wher ewould i go. and i've never disobeyed my parents like i've never gone behind their backs and done anything bad and i never get into trouble with them and i've never done anything to make her think that i would "sneak" away or do something bad.
I'M JUST SO FRUSTRATED.
at least if i moved out next year i wouldnt have to constantly call her and be like yeah i'm here, or yeah i'm doing this.
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| say goodbye to love and hold your hand up high |
[08 Jul 2008|07:44pm] |
when i get upset, i can't talk. my words get lost while i formulate thousands of sentences or perfect things to say in my mind, my lips can't let the words even see daylight. my mother hates this about me. sometimes i think i do it on purpose.
lately my mom has been really stressed out. it sucks for me because she takes out all her stress on me with these little comments that really really hurt. she doesn't even know how much a simple sentence like "it's not the end of the world" hurts my feelings so bad.
i'm seriously overly sensitive, i take everything to heart even if people are kidding and then i begin to think about it more and more and it just festers itself under my skin as something that always bothers me.
i think it's partly my parents fault that i'm so overly sensitive now. i didn't get out all my feelings when i was a baby. my parents told me that i never cried. i know why i never cried. because i was scared. my dad told me that he yelled at me each time i cried and i would shut right up. now i need to get out my feelings about everything that bothers me because i can't contain it.
my mom isn't even good at helping me with this. whenever i come to her with a problem her solutions are always "oh whatever, not a big deal. that's how the real world is." WELL IT'S A BIG DEAL TO ME AND I CARE. i hate that she doesn't comfort me and say "it's ok" or give me a hug. i want to take her face and scream, "DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO BE A MOTHER?!". i'm never going to get better if you just say "whatever" all the time.
i cried so much in school that it's embarrassing. that's probably where i first started my over-sensitivity. when a teacher totally criticized my work i couldn't handle it or when i did bad i just would lose my cool.
i wish that my mom was more comforting instead of such a bitch sometimes. i feel bad for calling her a bitch but she just doesn't get what i mean. like when we fight she never lets me talk and i end up crying and then i say one thing and she's all over it and i can't do anything but stand there. then i'll leave and about an hour later she'll come into my room and say "are you still mad at me? :)" and be all nice. it's confusing me that one second she'll snap all over and then the next she'll be all happy. i'm especially upset now because i had a bad driver's ed. class and i told her i made mistakes and she's like "like what? what kind of mistakes? what else? why?" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY AND WHY DO THE MISTAKES MATTER WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY OH I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT IT'S OKAY! FUCK
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[18 May 2008|09:32pm] |
it seems sad to be writing this tonight because i should probably be out having fun, but oh wait a second... i don't have any friends.
don't you ever get that feeling that nobody likes you? or that they're just being nice to your face when secretly they really don't like you. i feel like that every single day of my life and it bothers me that i don't know how to act around that kind of a situation. to a lot of people, i'm just a joke. oh hahah whatever she doesn't really care anyway. well i do care, it's stupid but i care about all the small things and they bother me all the time.
i wouldn't say i fall into normal "depressions" but low-swing moods where i cry and can't control the feeling that i'm hated and badly talked about. and it's not just because i'm a girl. it just happens because i can't handle the small stuff.
my friends all ditched me on friday because they wanted to go out to lunch together. that's fine with me, but the nicest thing they could have at least had said was "hey we're going out to lunch okay? sorry maybe you and i can go some other time" even if they didn't mean that last part. i don't know how i'm supposed to feel, angry because they left? or sad because i'm not good enough to be included in their group? and i feel like they have this power over me that they can do anything they want to me and get away with it because i don't say anything. well what am i supposed to say? it's 5 against 1 here and they lie and lie till they are blue in the face with rightness while i'm always always to blame.
someday, i wanna write a book. i'm serious. even if i'm some low-paid worker in my future i will write a book. it'll be about all those times i was slapped in the face by my friends' actions. i don't think they know how much they have hurt me. i don't wanna say i'll keep it with me forever because i don't want that, but right now it feels like this has been happening for so long in my life that it'll always be a part of my future and my present and always in the back of my mind.
i don't believe in psychologists or psychiatrists. they don't listen but analyze you and what you say. i don't want someone to analyze me, i want someone to listen to me. i'm tired of my voice being silenced and i'm tired of my parents being tired of my problems because they have their own to deal with. no offence, but saying "they're idiots" doesn't really help anymore. i want you to look at me and talk to me and listen to me and not feed me the same lines over and over again.
it's stupid but i think their should be people who are professional listeners out there instead of psychologists or psychiatrists. they would listen to what you have to say and reflect on it and not determine the meaning. you know the meaning or why it happened! you just need someone there to say something that will change you in the best way and make you feel better.
i always have this sinking feeling that i'm the worst person in the world. i'm not exactly the nicest person at work and people seem to get that and just play on it, but it's not that i'm mean, at least i don't think so, it's that i'm just not a talker.
i never have been. in fact i didn't even start talking till i was almost 4. and even then i was silent most of the time. all of these words i've wanted to spill out of my mouth have been swallowed with fear that what i said wasn't good enough. and that what i said didn't matter. throughout elementary school i never talked much, people even told me and i had no answer.
i know this much, that people don't always want to hear what you have to say. they're too caught up in their lives to want to hear you or to want to grasp your words. i've talked so much since i became more outgoing since the 7th grade but now that i'm older than i was then i want to shove those words back in my mouth and pretend like i never said anything.
the worst words have come out of my mouth and i know i have hurt people. i have apologized to them and felt like even though i did, it didn't mean anything. it could never erase what i had said and how it had effected them. i just hope that they don't remember for long.
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[05 Mar 2008|05:37pm] |
okay i am the kind of person that doesn't really talk a whole lot about what i'm feeling because usually the emotions are so strong i'll just start crying or forget what i was saying and screw up my points, so that's why i use blurty usually to let everything out. and lately i've really needed to, so here's everything that's bothering me and a long rant about each thing.
- i have to work 7/9 days next week. next week is FUCKING MARCH BREAK. yeah thanks i have no life. i'm so fucking sure they don't even ask me if i would even WANT to work and just ASSUME i have no fucking plans. fucking sweet.
- i've been looking for a NEW job for the longest time. i hate where i am working because it's bullshit. i hate that anyone can say they love their job where i work when people fucking spit in the food, people don't cook shit right, the managers don't know shit all and screw everyone over with their schedules, people who haven't been there as long as you constantly try to correct you when you're doing it fine!, a lot of the foh can't even be bothered to work as hard as some of boh do, you don't get recognized for fucking anything positive you contribute, when there's news about you leaving the managers are like WE NEED YOU and then after they don't give a fuck, they're always trying to cut down money and wastage in BAD ways
looking for a new job hasn't been easy, there was a job i was going to apply for at a new store but hey everyone from work who can't work efficiently have already flocked over there, plus you have to find a good place with set hours and good enough shifts
- school has been really hard this year, i mean i try really hard to suceed and every time i try my best i can't even get the best marks or even as good as other people. i do homework for hours and study days and days ahead of time and still marks under 70 %, what the fuck do i have to do to get a fucking 90 %? wear a fucking low cut shirt and booty shorts for the male teachers WTF
- my friends are the most hypocritical people in the world. they will say "omg talking about people behind their backs is wrong." and then they do it to everyone in our group! how is that for REAL FRIENDS
- the reason i'm so upset about march break is because this is my typical week in an ordinary month : school 5 times a week at 8-2:30, homework from 2:30-9:30 every night, work at 8:00-4:00 EVERY saturday and sunday. then homework afterwards and chores.i'm sorry but can i get at least one fucking day to sleep in? or even lounge? i don't get one FUCKING DAY to do absolutely NOTHING. AND THE FUCKING PEOPLE AT WORK THINK THAT I'M OKAY WITH WORKING 7/9 DAYS FOR MARCH BREAK JUST BECAUSE I'M A STUDENT?! FUCK THEM!
- also i am up for this job in the summer that might ultimately lead me to the career i want to pursue. i don't think i'll get it only because i'm not in college or university so the people who are overseeing it might not be allowed to hire me for that reason, it would be awesome to get it
- my parents are constantly working. they work from home but are always on the phone with customers or outside talking to them or in the office making deals. on week-ends they are renovating my old grandparents house to sell. i never get to see them or talk to them and if i do it feels like they have so many other problems that are much more important like their business and the bills to support us that it's just not worth adding another one to their list
- my sister barely even talks to me anymore. she only moved up the road and a block over and she has all these new friends and parties and her boyfriend and roommate and it just makes me feel like she never wanted a relationship with me at all. she only comes over to tell all her stress to our mom and to sometimes eat what we have in our kitchen or if she needs something or wants something. it makes me mad that our family never gets invited there for dinner. she never calls unless to rant to our mom. i've always counted on her to keep my secrets and to be there to talk but either she doesn't really listen, provides solutions that i, as a person CANNOT do because that's just who i am and she's apparently told these secrets to people so now i can't trust her. she says she wants to move to texas with her boyfriend. it's not like we had that strong of a relationship in the first place, especially when she still lived here, 90 % of the time she was in her room with the door shut talking to her friends on the phone or on msn. she would only come out of her room to get meals and to go somewhere or to spend hours in the bathroom putting on make-up and doing her hair. i hate that she says all my friends are fat because i'm really self conscious about my weight. i hate what my body looks like and when she says "eewwww that girl is so fat look at her rolls" i look at myself and think that if we weren't related, that's exactly what she would be saying about me.
- i HATE being upshown by my sister. i've always been the one to get better grades and she's always been to one to look better. i hate going to a family function and she always looks the best there and i always look like a stupid little gangly sister next to her.
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[15 Jan 2008|07:58pm] |
sometimes i wish we could have these moments
be woken up by your snoring
pretend to be asleep and listen to you tiptoeing to the bathroom in the morning
let you sleep in
smile at how peaceful you look when you're asleep
leave breakfast on the table for you with a note that says "i love you"
miss you while i'm at work
wait for you when you're late from work
pick you up after work and take off in the city for the night
watch cartoons in our pajamas on sundays
wake up to a single flower on your pillow for me
take off in the country with the windows down and the music turned up all the way
switch ipods when we're apart for a long time
get c.ds he made for me with his music on it
slam the doors in each others face over something stupid
get irritated by the amount of t.v. shows you watch that i don't like
dance to old songs in the living room
stay in instead of going out
he calls me to say he'll be late and not to wait up
flush the toilet when he's in the shower just to imagine the look on his face
he asks me if i want anything in the convenience store when he goes in and i say no but he brings back lots of chips and drinks and chocolate
he'll hold my purse while i try on some new clothes
i'll wait patiently when he gets excited over a guys store and obsessed over something there
buy him clothes and put them in his drawers
get mad at him for never putting the toilet seat down
laugh when he's trying to impress my parents
cry when i think you forgot my birthday but then smile when he surprises me
laugh when he forgets our anniversary
wear his clothes to bed or to lounge
fight over what colour to paint the kitchen
vent all my stress to him even though i know he is tired of me complaining for the thousandth time
play video games with him
get tired after a night of screaming at him and wake up not mad anymore
pig out on pizza or chips when he's down or sad
make him laugh by singing girly music to him
sing karaoke at the top of our lungs on friday nights
be the designated driver when we go to the bar
fall asleep on his shoulder after a long night
hide the remote
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[13 Jan 2008|08:51pm] |
i cant describe this feeling
you're givin' me the shakes
my hearts in my head
and my stomach's jumped
my cheeks are beat red
but i know it's all because of you
im not looking for love
it just happened
youre that special one in a million
i keep on asking myself just one question
drivin down the same old roads
know 'em like the back of my own hand
like the feeling of the wind through my hair
the sun peekin' through the clouds
the leaves stirrin' on the ground
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[13 Jan 2008|08:39pm] |
walkin' away
wake up early monday mornin'
tiptoe across the creaky floorboards
i'm packin' my things into my suitcase
i'll be gone when you wake up
i'm tired of all the lies you told me
i'm tired of all the times i've cried
i'm tired of all the bruises and cuts
i'm walkin' away today
i'm walkin' away today from you
you were sleeping with her every night
"workin' late" just another story
but i wanna know,
did you hit her too?
does her heart ache from all the lies
does she cry like i do every mornin'
does she hurt from all the hits you've given
will she be walkin' away
will she be walkin' away from you
no im not gonna hide anymore
im gonna drive as far and as fast as i can
gonna start a new life with someone new
gonna forget all about you
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[13 Jan 2008|08:30pm] |
i just wanted to say even though i say a lot of things on here when im pretty mad i definitely don't mean them. i'm just mad at that moment and need to vent but i seriously mean no harm to my family and i still love them and whatever i get mad about i usually get over basically in an over night span. i love my family and all that they do for me and i know i am very fortunate to have family, a home, a job, food on the table, clothes on my back and an education and i am thankful for all i have. i know i have more than some people have and i never take it for granted. i feel guilty that i get mad sometimes and say things i don't mean because i really do love my family and everything i get. it's just sometimes i think my anger gets the better of me and things i say get out of hand. i know everyone gets mad sometimes and has to let it out it just seems like i blow up when im mad and i don't really know how to handle it.
i thank my parents and god for everything i have received because i know how lucky i am!
to tell the truth i am just really sick of getting mad all the time. my temper has gotten pretty bad sometimes and it just seems like im wasting so much energy in being mad and holding my grudges or getting worked up about something that i shouldnt be mad about. i've made some new years resolutions and here they are (there arent that many really and they are sort of typical) - be kinder, control temper, exercise, save money for school, stop procrastinating, continue to try hard in school and reach my goals.
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[24 Nov 2007|07:26pm] |
i keep changing my mind all the time about what i want to do with my life.
seriously these are the professions i have all given consideration to:
-pilot
-doctor
-pediatrician
-maid
-teacher
-government work
-dentist
-translator
-cartoon designer
-clothing designer
-florist
-restaurant owner
-graphic designer
-mid-wife or nurse (the kinds that go to older people's homes and help them when they are injured or the kind like in france where they help you keep up your house and care for the baby after you have delivered it)
-work for google.com
-hemotologist
-anaesthesiologist (spelling?)
-daycare teacher
-fire fighter
WOW
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[24 Nov 2007|07:10pm] |
alright so since everyone is wrapped up in their own problems and doesn't give a damn about me, i hope you will listen blurty.
i hate that people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they can't even say how is your life? because obviously something is wrong.
hmm i wonder what is wrong? other than the fact that i had a major math test, and if oyu didn't know all tests freak me out to death as in heavy breathing, sweaty palms and a heart beat that beats at the speed of light, this test and my presentation afterwards were basically mark defining in each class. i am very stressed out by anything like that where there is a lot of pressure to do well. oh yeah i forgot! and my dog has an eye infection which is not getting better so i am practically nursing my dog back to health, and my grandpa is literally dieing. he has been diagnosed with a rare form of stomach cancer and is presumed not strong enough to operate so there are likely chances he will pass away.
what else is there? oh yeah, allll my friends are going to a party hosted by an acquantaince of mine ( i don't care that i wasn't invited) i care that everyone is shoving it in my face that they are all going to get drunk and party and too bad i won't be there. fuck you guys
no one wants to make an effort to make their relationship work with their boyfriends. oh boo hoo he didnt text me back i guess we're just not meant to be together, what the fuck
my mom doesn't listen to a single thing i tell her that i would like or wouldn't like, such as she wants to change my pharmacy to a different store i dont want to go there because one of my friends moms works there and so she could say oh hey daughter did you know that shes on these pills? hahahahaa :) just because it is cheaper there she doesnt listen to anything i want such as don't do the laundry because i will have clothes to go in there tomorrow but whatever do them today so i cant wear those clothes for a week later, and no i cant have correspondence because i should go to school, well guess the fuck what? i dont have any friends and thats why i want to take correspondence and i'm done with high school bullshit and drama. so maybe i'm actually making a good step in my life but you won't let me try it.
oh yeah and thanks for driving my "christmas present" car around all the time just to shove it in my face that i have to wait and wait as the youngest person in my whole grade, thanks for putting lots of mileage on it and making it "your own" inside
i just want to talk to my sister about all this because she said she would always be there for me to talk to and get away from my parents but she doesnt give a shit about what i say shes too busy with her life and her new friends to ask me to hang out anymore or go places and have fun.
whatever i get it now, i'm just the person that is always going to be left out and pushed to the side because well im not important to anyone so whatever i can deal with that, i can't wait to leave here
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| today i am really not happy |
[15 Nov 2007|04:49pm] |
i wouldn't say i'm angry or mad because i don't really get mad. just very quiet.
so i thought i would make a list of the things that annoy me:
hannah montana
people thinking they are just sooo smart and you can not measure up to them in intelligence.
when people make fools out of themselves
when people are loud about rude things in public places such as at a particular doctors office to get blood tested, this person sounded something like this.."oh my god what is taking so long, seriously, i can serve five people at one time at my job" we had only been waiting five minutes. and blood work takes a couple minutes, calm the fuck down.
when you're translating a story from another language into english and you are working with a group and after you say the translation they say it right after so it sounds like they translated it when you were the on that was totally talking first. or when you stumble on a word in a group and they continue on while you look up the word so you totally miss the rest of the sentence.
when it's the day after a test and someone that is away is now taking the test and asks you for answers and totally cheats but then when that happens to someone else she'll say "oh my god, i love how they are totally cheating"
when you go christmas shopping and you buy a large present for someone and haul it around while you do the rest of your shopping and then you start to go home and the person peeks and says its not what they wanted.. thanks, i just hauled that heavy thing around for 2 hours and you're mad because i didn't get the right one?
when you are clearly carrying something heavy and people take as much room as they want even though you need to get through
when people accuse you of lieing when you were totally telling the truth
when you just changed your status to "frustrated" and someone comments and asks "OH are we still going to the movies tomorrow? :S" FUCK YOU
people who only want to get your attention in stupid ways like purposefully cutting themselves, or harming themselves, or making up stories about people
laughs where they are gasping for air when the joke was NOT funny
when teachers ask you the answer when you're just minding your own business and taking the note and don't know the answer.
looking older than you really want to
getting a crappy haircut
coming home to "make the dinner", "feed the dog", "round up the garbage", "clean the house" when you have loootsss of homework
when people call you "moneybags" when that money is mine and i saved it and earned it for MY EDUCATION, that doesn't mean i'm using it to buy clothes, or presents. i set up the account and i saved the money so i could have an education because my parents don't need another person to give money out to.
screwed up plans.
when you're reading a story with a group and after every other word someone says "oh my god this is so hard i don't get it oh my god i'm going to fail" SHUT THE FUCK UP
report cards
nerves
cold hands
my hair
when people keep asking for presents i know they will never use
to be continued..
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[19 Oct 2007|08:20pm] |
people might not think that i still miss my granddad. people like my sister and my parents because i was sort of young when he died. but i remember everything about him. i remember his glasses, the way he used to take my sister and i to mcdonalds and then he would fold up the wrappers neatly when we were done and let us play and play in the the playroom. i remember the way he smelled, the way he smiled and most of all the way he laughed. i remember when he would come over every sunday and park in the same spot and read the same newspapers in the same spot. i remember when he taught me how to climb the steps when he hurt his leg. i remember how he used to sing "here comes santa claus" every day in december until christmas day. i remember when his favourite time of the year was corvette and elvis weekend in wasaga beach. i remember how he used to drive my sister and i for hours and hours to go to our cousins. i remember how he kept the hello kitty mcdonald's toy in his car around his rear view mirror just because i gave it to him. i remember his collection of hats in the back seat all displayed with pride. i remember the blankets over the seats in his car because she was afraid of dirtying the suede upholstery. i remember going to st.thomas almost 3 times a week after school to visit him in the hospital. i remember looking at a balloon he was given from a well wisher and him giving it to me because i liked it so much. i remember sitting on his hospital bed listening to what he did that day and trying to stay still to make sure i didnt jump off the bed and hurt him. i remember being extra careful when we visited him in the hospital. i remember the day my mom told me and i remember the expression on my dad's face. i remember the funeral. i remember how hard my sister and mother cried. and i remember how my dad and i stayed stone quiet. i remember looking at him and thinking he didnt look the same without his glasses or even lying there. i remember wondering where he was going. i remember looking back before we left and not quite understanding what was going on. i remember sitting in his car a couple days later at our house and wondering where he had gone. i remember the first time we went to his house after it. i remember loving the gumball machine he had and always asking for a penny. i remember the fights and the phonecalls.
i remember everything about him.
i miss him so much sometimes and i know there is nothing i can do about it but i wish i could just see him one last time to tell him how much he meant to me even if it didn't seem like it because i was young.
i love you and miss you granddad.
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[19 Oct 2007|08:14pm] |
i hate how people treat me.
my friend always tells me how she is always "left out" between these 3 people that she hangs out with but at the same time she i shanging out with a friend and i'm sitting alone at home.
what the fuck does she have anything to be upset about? she should be grateful that she is hanging out with someone and that they wanted to.
i never get invited anywhere from them and they all get upset and vent to me when they hang out and don't include one of them.
i dont even get asked anywhere by any of them so they should at least be happy they have a friend that wants to be with them.
i don't know if im just always going to be a loner that is in actuality surrounded by friends at school but never asked to hang out outside of school or returned on invitations outside of school. maybe it shouldnt matter because i'm the best friend that i'll ever have. i dont have to worry about backstabbing, lieing or ditching. i don't even know if i'm just not a people person. or people just have this thing with me when they see me and think, "oh i can walk all over her and shove her around and she'll just take it". i hate people like that, that can't just be a human being to me and not play head games.
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[18 Oct 2007|09:15pm] |
a lot of people call me a name that isn't my name
my name is michelle
i get called:
jenna (shes my sister so i guess people get tongue-tied)
melissa
melanie
jessica (i don't even know why?)
and there are many variations of my last name:
mousie
maluccia
maluckie
it's not the thing that they mix up my name it's more that they can't remember who i am. i am not memberable. no one can remember my name because i dont stand out, i dont mater, i am invisible. and thats what makes me upset that i am "not a person" you could say.
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[14 Oct 2007|09:05pm] |
Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah.
Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
Debbie: What?
Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a midget in the crowd.
Fuck me in the beard.
I was drunk!
Was your vagina drunk?
What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
Hey, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!
Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
That's exactly right.
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[14 Oct 2007|08:45pm] |
i miss my sister.
she moved out this summer with her boyfriend.
they bought a house, got a dog and are now living the lives of grown-ups.
i like her boyfriend, don't get me wrong but it feels like he's taking her away from her family.
she barely asks us for anything even though we offer leftovers and invites because her boyfriend doesn't want to depend on us.
in a way that's a good thing but then he always asks his parents for help with the house and food.
i never even see her anymore.
i hear this about her and hear that but she doesnt stop by unless it's for something she wants.
she doesn't stop by just to say hello and catch-up, which i wish she would.
i miss playing barbies even though she would leave me playing by myself until her show was over.
i miss her being the boss of me and getting mad when things didnt go her way.
i miss her!
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| i will buy you a new life |
[04 Oct 2007|04:44pm] |
things are going alright for me right now.
i have a great co-op and they even offered me a summer job!
i'm turning 16 in a couple of months and my mom and dad have been so generous and good about a car for me.
the only thing is as i'm getting older, i know i'm not that old, it's just i dont know what i want to do with my life.
i don't know what i want to be and even though people say that it doesnt matter right now it actually does.
i'm in grade 11 and i'll be going into grade 12, my graduating year, without any sense or ambition of what i should become.
everyone else has their career plans set or at least they know what they will be doing for the next little while.
a lot of people have already considered schools and where they're going to move.
it just doesnt seem fair that they can have such a perfect view of their aspirations when mine are all cloudy.
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[21 Aug 2007|09:29pm] |
i know i keep saying to myself that i don't need friends when i've got myself but you know what?
that gets old.
i have no one to really have fun with or talk to about school and things that best friends talk about.
i wish i had one decent best friend that was like me and we agreed and were like each other because i would feel so comfortable about admitting things and talking for once.
because if i had my choice in life i would be a mute. it would be wonderful in my eyes to be a mute.
i wish i had a best friend to stay up late with and watch scary movies with while eating popcorn and talking about how we dislike pretzels.
i'm not ready for a boyfriend yet. that's the absolute truth. i'm not ready for a relationship at all. i know people older, younger and the same age as me that have boyfriends and seem ready for it and happy with their decision. but i think i can wait.
if i had a boyfriend he would think i am insane. i go through so many emotions a day and then change a lot. no guy i know would want to deal with me really.
he'd probably have to be really understanding.
it's the summer and i have been long used to the fact that my friends have pushed me aside for each other and have not even made an effort to contact me as i have tried them. i tell myself they're not worth it. then a couple days later my sister calls me and is with some friends of mine and they are going shopping. that's when it just really hit home. not even my sister can give me the satisfaction of an invitation. i mean am i that repulsive? i don't understand what the fuck is wrong with me that no one wants to be around me or with me. i don't understand it one bit.
that is why i wish i had those best friends you see on t.v.
the ones you grow up with and when you're little dream of living in an apartment together in new york going to school together.
the ones you will be best friends with until your dieing day.
the ones that walk to school with you everyday and get your homework for you and bring soup over when you're sick.
am i that bad of a person that i can't have that?
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[12 Jul 2007|07:40pm] |
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music |
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Smashing Pumpkins |
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even though i may feel much older than my age, i know there are still things for me to learn.
the obvious things like driving, paying the bills and balancing the books,
but also things like how to control my emotions and take the right steps in life.
i'm not going to deny these facts when i know them like the back of my own hand.
these are things you have to learn to become who you are and i understand that.
all in good time i suppose.
i really wish i could learn some of these things i've mentioned faster to save myself from embarrassement and more emotional situations which end up usually uneasy and unresolved.
i don't want people to refer to me as "the one who cries all the time" because i'm not like that. yes i am emotional at times but it isn't over nothing.
everybody needs to get these feelings out and i just seem to be the type of person that gets upset over what i feel. i love the statement "to each his own". it just makes me feel better and you know what? i may get upset over things that are really important to me but i know who i am in my heart and that's never going to change.
people can say and think what they want about me now and i'm going to be fine with it. i don't need people telling me what i am when i should know myself.
it's hard for me to not care though but i think that's something i'm just going to have to learn in time. i can't do a 360 in such a sort time but i know if i take the steps i can control it.
after all this journal should be how i release what i think anyway!
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