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:: Miss Ann Thrope::

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beautiful mess [30 Oct 2003|08:10am]
there's this inspiration vitality that i lack
this sense of real-ity/ness that i feel i have lost
& then it reoccurs to me that the english language has a void -
the word for losing something. that you never had to begin with.
kinda of like missing something. that you never really had.
i've been searching for these words for so long.
you wouldn't understand unless you understood.

when this form of aphasia beckoned to me, i tried to be resiliant.
(but all reluctancy does is taint the air around it)
i wanted to believe that i chose this silence.
that what you don't understand is that i'm not doing this to myself.
no, love, i'm doing this for myself. (for you.)

i keep trying to remind myself
of what all of this is for.
i'm trying to pretend that my inability to sew words together
isn't giving me the purest form of asphyxiation.
i'm trying to convince myself
of everything. it's preparation.
by the way, i'm at the point where everything i'm typing
isn't making sense. not just while you're reading it -
but while i'm typing it.
my occupation of space could be worth something
if i was able to finish my thoughts.
to finish sentences.
to put words together.
4 !break me!

down a different path for a little while... [28 Sep 2003|08:54pm]

the other night i thought i had lost everything. my entire life and everything in it, myself and my love. i felt dead. i was certain i was. i was in a complete state of panic and total fear, like a little child, and i still feel a little child like. innocent, alone and scared like that. i lost it. and i felt pain like i'd never felt before. i felt like my heart was ripped of my chest and was taken away forever, and i truly felt dead. but now, it all turns out to be a little less terrible. a lot better actually.

it's going to a little bit of a wait, and hopefully not a long one. it's going to hurt like hell, it already is. and i know it's going to be the most painful and difficult thing i have ever and probably will ever go through. i can't sleep, i can't eat, and i can't stop my heart and hands from beating and shaking. i feel like i'm high in all the wrong ways. but i know that will pass. i hope it will pass, soon. my heads still coming to terms with all of this. i may be physically alone a little more now, but i'm not alone. and i have nothing to fear or be afraid of. i know what's happening and i know what the end results will be. i trust and i believe. a little part of me keeps trying to push that fear and paranoia and panic to the surface, but it's unjustified. because i trust and i believe. i just have to push it back down, and god damn it's hard. harder than anything. this entire thing is. but i will be ok, i am ok, and everything will be ok.

oh how i wish i could understand all of this. i think i do a little. as much as it may be thought otherwise, i do understand that 'fucked up' mind a little. i wish i could make it all better for you. right now. i wish i could take it all away. i wish you didn't have to feel or see my pain right now. i wish there was none at all. but it is ok, and it will be ok.

so, i take a deep breathe and begin this little side road adventure and will wait to be brought back to the main road. i promise i will be strong for you, and you the same. i won't lie and say i'm not terrified. but i'll trust you, and not worry.

~

i'm not sure how often i'll be updating this in the next while. i can barely keep up with it now that i'm in school, which is going good, but i have a few added distractions right now, and i have to keep focused on my health, my sanity, school, work and the entire situation that lays ahead of me for the next while. writing may be good, trying to keep everything in will only hurt and feel bad. but i'd rather just talk it out to him, than write out anything gibberish here.

i feel sick. and i want to be higher than anything. i think i will try and eat. i'm lonely. and i have a lot of homework. i hope i can keep up with school during this time. i just can't focus, i can't turn off my brain. it's my own worst enemy and my worst form of torture during times like this.

[forever.]

!break me!

*pulls hair* [26 Aug 2003|05:48pm]
it all went down hill after 4:10. I lost the ring my boyfriend gave me! I actually cried....all my mom could say was, "So...who cares?" then I came home to hear that the battery from my older sister's mustang gave up today. Luckily my uncle happened to be nearby and came to see what was wrong with the car...while that went on... my little sister nearly got kidnapped by some mangey, sweaty piece of shit, man. Fucking bastard!...and I got my rag today! Can this be any fucking worse?!

In the morning I spent my time listening to the wonders of Tina's voice flowing along with the guitar. She has a nice voice...I wish I could sing like her! *frowns*

Today during our lunch time, some friends and I went to go check out Mr. Grant. He's a pretty cool guy and I was messing around with this little sand box thingy with a rake and stones. It was relaxing...it got my mind off of things. Some fucking freshman called me a "hot mama"...lol..that's all ghetto!..but i'm lacking the ghetto booty. I lack an ass...anyone want to donate?...lol

On another note; I think I'm going to Beeville for the weekend and coming back by Monday afternoon cause I'm going to see Lacuna Coil on Monday!
!break me!

zoom zoom zoom [12 Jul 2003|10:26am]
[ mood | blah ]

I'm so tired...I couldn't fall asleep last night...I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach...so I called Matt and he came over like around 7 this morning...we made my mom breakfast and she asked me, "Ruby...are you pregnant?"...i asked why and she said, "Well...I don't know...you gave me a certain feeling when you came into the room...and I only get that feeling around pregnant women." I was all freaked and told my mom I wasn't...anyways...Matt and I were just talking about the past and then he brought up the whole "things aren't the same" issue...he says that i don't talk to him as much as before...but that he understands because i have a bf now...lol...i dunno...then we went to go pick up Chris and we went to Davind's to smoke what i bought yesterday but i got out of the mood...but Chris was all like "This is good." so i just laced a blunt and did it...I'm really sleepy...I hope Raul is sleeping right now...he needs rest...aww...he looks so cute when he has his eyes closed...hehe...I love you Raul! umm that fucking stalker bitch is pissing me off...she called me a slut...lol..whatever...people who know me know that I'm not a slut...and that i don't really have a lot of girlfriends...you have to be really special to be considered a girlfriend...hehe...girls are really annoying...except for the occasional ones...anyways..Matt and I ran into Johnny and Kim today at Wal-Mart...lol...it was so fucking akward...like Johnny waved and he stopped and said hi and Matt told him to fuck off...lol..then Kim was all like, "Call me!...we need to catch up." and she kept on checking out Matt...lol...I really don't know why I was so fucking nice to her in the first place..eh..whatever..the past is the past...I'm going to try to fall asleep...my eyes have dark circles and they look gross!

1 !break me!

ahh... [10 Jul 2003|09:45pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | :: My Ruin-Terror :: ]

Okay okay, so I have vented the angst privately and will now write an account of last nights happenings. For my amusement.

Well, at 3 in the fucking moringin we [krysta, alia and myself] purchased a rather large and expensive QUALITY bottle of vodka. We took Mr Vodka to a park and consumed him in his entirety whilst belting out "YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.. HOW CAN YOU SAY.. I GO ABOUT THINGS THE WRONG WAY.. I AMMMMM HUUUMAANN ANND I NEEEEED TO BE LOO-OOOO-OOVVEED" in unison.
We then proceeded to go on...



A NEWTOWN ADVENTURE.

We stumbled the streets in true fuck-tard-fashion, telling random people that we had chocolate and befriending a chihuahua which was wearing a cardigan.
I can't quite remember what happened after we hopped in to a cab and went to Matt's place. We said hello to Mr Daniel and the rest of Matt's company...and *MIND GOES BLANK*. I'm pretty confident I made an absolute wanker of myself.

Events which took place, but I can't remember the context in which they did -

*I sat on the footpath and Krysta ran and kicked me in the head [she forgot to tell me to duck].

*I was introduced to some pot-offering-guy as 'Ruby the stripper'.

*Discussing Krysta's hot ass with some weird guy in a back street.

*Petting Alia's head and thinking she was just like a kitten.

*I was walking along the curb and fell

*Krysta and I ran around Wal-Mart in our pj's looking for KY-Jelly...lol

!break me!

I see... [08 May 2003|06:45pm]
I See Her
I see a person who laughs when she feels like crying.
I see a person who smiles when she feels like dying.
I see her sleeping, and she never dreams.
I see her crying and only I hear the screams.
I see the blood that no one else sees.
I hear her crying, dying pleas.
I see her heart, and it's all black inside.
I see her walk, and I know her stride.
I see her happy face, when deep inside she feels pain.
I see her storm clouds before it starts to rain.
I see her cut herself, it won't change a thing.
I see no future her life would ever bring.
I see a child that is now a ghost.
I see her thoughts, they scare me the most.
I see the tears that never will come.
I See her I See ME
4 !break me!

*qUaLiTiEs* [08 Apr 2003|05:22pm]
I want a boy who will hold my hand

I want a boy who will touch my face when we kiss

I want a boy who will hold me during sad movies and kiss my forehead and tell me not to cry when I cry

I want a boy who can get snotty with me when I’m snotty with him

I want a boy who will look in my eyes

I want a boy who will let me practice make up on him

I want a boy who will tuck me in at night and kiss me before I go to sleep

I want a boy who will trust me

I want a boy who will think I’m beautiful with or without make up

I want a boy who doesn’t always have to get physical

I want a boy who I can lay around with

I want a boy who will kiss me in the rain

I want a boy who will treat me the same in front of his friends or if were alone

I want a boy who will get along or at least make the effort to get along with my friends

I want a boy who will understand that sometimes I need to be with the grrls

I want a boy who kisses my tears away

I want a boy who makes me smile

I want a boy who I can make smile no matter what

I want a boy who will hug me

I want a boy who will play with my hair

I want a boy who will go with me to get my hair done and talk to me

I want a boy who I can talk to for hours

I want a boy who will go shopping with me and wait while I spend endless time in the dressing room and smile every time I come out

I want a boy who will kiss me for hours upon hours

I want a boy who will serenade me or try to at least

I want a boy who will dance with me

I want a boy who will pick me flowers

I want a boy who will be proud of me

I want a boy who will go to shows with me

I want a boy who will treat me like I’m real

I want a boy who will be nice to me

I want a boy who will never lie to me
1 !break me!

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