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the other night i thought i had lost everything. my entire life and everything in it, myself and my love. i felt dead. i was certain i was. i was in a complete state of panic and total fear, like a little child, and i still feel a little child like. innocent, alone and scared like that. i lost it. and i felt pain like i'd never felt before. i felt like my heart was ripped of my chest and was taken away forever, and i truly felt dead. but now, it all turns out to be a little less terrible. a lot better actually.
it's going to a little bit of a wait, and hopefully not a long one. it's going to hurt like hell, it already is. and i know it's going to be the most painful and difficult thing i have ever and probably will ever go through. i can't sleep, i can't eat, and i can't stop my heart and hands from beating and shaking. i feel like i'm high in all the wrong ways. but i know that will pass. i hope it will pass, soon. my heads still coming to terms with all of this. i may be physically alone a little more now, but i'm not alone. and i have nothing to fear or be afraid of. i know what's happening and i know what the end results will be. i trust and i believe. a little part of me keeps trying to push that fear and paranoia and panic to the surface, but it's unjustified. because i trust and i believe. i just have to push it back down, and god damn it's hard. harder than anything. this entire thing is. but i will be ok, i am ok, and everything will be ok.
oh how i wish i could understand all of this. i think i do a little. as much as it may be thought otherwise, i do understand that 'fucked up' mind a little. i wish i could make it all better for you. right now. i wish i could take it all away. i wish you didn't have to feel or see my pain right now. i wish there was none at all. but it is ok, and it will be ok.
so, i take a deep breathe and begin this little side road adventure and will wait to be brought back to the main road. i promise i will be strong for you, and you the same. i won't lie and say i'm not terrified. but i'll trust you, and not worry.
~
i'm not sure how often i'll be updating this in the next while. i can barely keep up with it now that i'm in school, which is going good, but i have a few added distractions right now, and i have to keep focused on my health, my sanity, school, work and the entire situation that lays ahead of me for the next while. writing may be good, trying to keep everything in will only hurt and feel bad. but i'd rather just talk it out to him, than write out anything gibberish here.
i feel sick. and i want to be higher than anything. i think i will try and eat. i'm lonely. and i have a lot of homework. i hope i can keep up with school during this time. i just can't focus, i can't turn off my brain. it's my own worst enemy and my worst form of torture during times like this.
[forever.]
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