I am done!! For weeks, I have had something hanging over my head. Now, I am done with that stupid ecology test, can get back into the lab, and get to be carefree for a little while.
That ecology test was awful. Basically, the guy who gave it to me just took questions off of his old tests. Which is kind of what I thought might happen. But it is bad because a lot of the questions were specific to his class. They weren't about general ecology principles. So I don't think I did very well. However, my advisor said that she would look at it after he grades it, and if he says I didn't pass, but I got the questions that WERE about general ecology right, she will basically fight to have his decision overturned. That makes me feel better.
I went to the library last night and got some books...ahhh, to be able to read for pleasure again!! I am quite happy!
Also, I'm just about ready for Thanksgiving. Got the wine, the turkey, almost all the ingredients! Ready for my 130 grams of fat (read that somewhere). And I've been so bad. I didn't go running yesterday because I was so stressed out, and I didn't go running today because I was so tired from being stressed out. However, I am going running tomorrow! And since the weather has turned nasty, I may just go to the gym instead of riding my bike. Who knows??
Check out my music. I know what THAT is like right now.....it's dry down here.....
Especially when you have to lead a journal club discussion AND take a nasty ecology test. Not fair. At least I get to take the test at my leisure. This afternoon, I will be done. And maybe I will have to take ecology again next semester, and maybe I won't, but at least I can stop worrying about this.
Anyway, if I do have to take this class again, I'm taking a different class. What is the point of taking the same ecology class twice in a row??
The other order of business today (besides studying for this LAME test I have to take tomorrow) is deciding whether or not to go to a departmental party tonight. It is a work thing. But it isn't mandatory. But I have been told that the hostess is a great cook and has a black "recreational" bathroom. Weird. I want to see it.
However, I have been doing all this studying, and I'm not really in the mood. Especially since it is mandatory. But I'm poor, and free food is nice. Also, I like to be supportive. Because how lame is it when no one shows up for a party??
I don't know what to do!!!
What the hell is my problem?? I keep doing this. This whole sex thing. Oy. What a subject. It is the bain of my existence, or at least my pusuit of happiness.
I have a difficult time enjoying sex. Not at first, though. And not physically. I have this crazy mental thing where I get really mad when J wants to have sex. I don't know why. Well, maybe I do. I get angry because he touches me wrong. But I've only said something once or twice. The fact that I have said something, though, at ANY point of our relationship, makes me feel that he should know I don't like something. Which is dumb. We all know that men have a hard time remembering their own names, much less what their partner wants during sex (hehe). I also get upset, I think, because I feel that if he knows I am enjoying sex, that he will have power over me. How stupid!!! I don't know why I feel that way! I really need therapy. I know that it is okay to enjoy sex (and it is always good with him). I think I really need to work on telling him when something doesn't feel good, and how to do it so that it does feel good.
I've done this before. With my ex-bf. He and I were together for nearly four years (which is what J and I are at right now). For the last half of our relationship, I wasn't into him, sexually. But he was a good friend. And now I'm worried that I am doing the same thing. I never really get horny (and I used to...oh boy). The difference is that with J, once we get going, it is good. With my ex-bf, the sex wasn't good. Period. (Good thing he doesn't know about this--fragile male egos and all that) So, I'm afraid that I"m headed the same way. How do you get that horniness back?? Maybe my first order of business is to work on not being ANGRY during sex (stupidest thing ever!!). Then maybe some of that horniness will come back....I'll keep you updated.
I just don't know about this ecology test. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I have to take an ecology test to prove I know ecology so that I don't have to take the stupid class. I already took it, but since I didn't take it here, it must not be as good. Huh. I have talked to some people here, and I am fully convinced that the class I took was harder than ecology here. Of course, that still doesn't mean I will pass this stupid test. I will be sooo angry if I spend an entire week studying (and not just my days) and then don't pass and have to take it anyway!! Which is why I need to study harder!
Aww yeah....skipped my run and had sex instead. It may not burn as many calories, but it sure dies break up routine!
One of the members of my lab defended her dissertation this morning. It was lovely and beautiful. I'm so proud of her!
Well, thus far my solution to this new "friend" person has kind of been to ignore it. Wonderful and brave, huh? If only I were drunk. Then I would have the courage to simply say, "Hey, I have a boyfriend. I will be friends with you, but that's it. So, what are your intentions?" I am so brave when I am drunk. To the point of saying things I shouldn't. Which is why I try not to drink too often. That and the fact that I really hate hangovers, and after my 21 birthday, I was throwing up for two days (I think I actually had alcohol poisoning. Yuck).
Today is another day of studying, studying, studying. I studied for 11 hours yesterday. Ick. Not a fun time.
I would much rather be friends with girls than with guys. With guys, there is always that whole sex thing going on, and while it can be there with girls, it generally isn't if both girls are heterosexual. Why do I bring this up? I met a guy, at a party. And by met a guy, I mean friend. Because I have a boyfriend. (and I mentioned this) So he called me (I didn't talk to him), and then I emailed him, mentioning AGAIN that I have a boyfriend (not because I don't want him to call me, but because if he thinks I am available, I want him to realize that I'm not). Then he emailed me back and said something about how there are lots of ways we could explore the city. Hmm. What the hell does that mean?? So, now I think that I'm not going to do anything with him until there is a time when my boyfriend can be there. To reiterate my point that I am not available. But in the meantime, how the hell do I respond to his email where he basically asked me to go to a club to see music??
So, this weekend I was actually not a big fat lazy bum, lamenting about my lack of friends. I went to a little homecoming party on Friday night, and actually met someone (in the sense of a friend, that is). And then on Saturday I went to a friend's party which was good because he is someone who is in my lab, and this way we spent some time together outside of work (well, as much time as you spend with any one person at a party).
But now it is Monday. I just took a test (and I don't think I did so well. I missed one question completely that was worth four points, and maybe that doesn't sound like a lot, but it adds up, ya know?). And now for the rest of the week I need to study for this stoopid ecology test I have to take to prove that I know ecology. Grrr. I am SO tired of studying. I can't wait to get back into the lab!
Yum, Yum....Free beer and food. The food part is great because I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while. I think I may go tonight. Woo-hoo. My Friday night...going to the grocery store and watching Iron Chef (love that show!).
I printed out an application to be a volunteer at the Zoo. That's a good thing (Martha...). I like to volunteer. Living in Ithaca was difficult, because there wasn't much there, so not much to volunteer for. Also, I think I need to fill my days better. I remember when I first started college and I worked full time and went to school full time and I had so little free time that I was never sad (I didn't have time for it. heehee). I was also super-duper skinny then. Of course, that's probably cuz I made so little money and my rent was so high. And I didn't have a car, so I had to carry my groceries home, but hey. I think my favorite part of that experience was how little emphasis I put on food. I liked that because sometimes I feel like food really controls me. And J doesn't help, cause he loves food, too. So he likes yummy dinners and whatnot, and it is hard to be content (or get him to be content) with ramen noodles, or something equally cheap and not so yummy.
I have been grumpy all week. And I'm grumpy about that! I don't know if it is hormones, or the boredom of desk work, or if it is just me. I know that I am irritated with J. I haven't been feeling good, and I'm not really in the mood when I feel like crap. And he knows that I don't feel good, and he knows that I'm not in the mood when I feel bad, and he has been BUGGING me for sex all week. Which really doesn't make me want to have sex with him. It just annoys me further, making me even less in the mood.
But I'm actually scared about something bigger. We have been together for nearly four years. And my previous bf and I were together for just about four years. And I haven't really been into sex with J for a while now. I mean, it's always great, but I'm just never horny. And that is what happened with my ex, as well (although the sex with him wasn't great). So, I'm wondering if I have a four year curse? After four years, it just isn't there anymore? Because I have really been missing being alone lately. Not having anyone to answer to, only being responsible for one person.....And J and I are engaged, which makes it that much more difficult. We are planning to get married next fall, in Jamaica.
On one hand, I really want it. But on the other.....I want to be single. I want to move to NYC and meet some amazing (rich) guy....Except that I don't. I think I'm suffering from a "grass is greener" kinda thing....
But I gotta go....I have class.....
I had spaghetti and meatballs. I don't like spaghetti very much unless it is leftover. Something about the carbohydrates in the noodles, I imagine. Just makes em taste better. And I made the meatballs, which J says makes spaghetti much better. Just shows how well we are doing....we can afford to put meat in our spaghetti now!
I'm thinking of being like I used to be, where I never go grocery shopping and eat really badly because of it, and then I could be really skinny again. Because even though I know that Real Women Have Curves, I still wouldn't mind being a size six. Not that I could ever even get that small. I hail from good old Northern European stock, where the winters are rough and the wimmen are made for breedin. (Damn, this is a good apple....maybe not as good as the ones from upstate New York, but Gala apples are just good)
I want to go home and finish watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Nope, hadn't seen it before. And it is hard to watch when you are trying to study, cause you have to read those damn subtitles.
This is sad....I'm already looking at new apartments, and my lease isn't up until April. I just REALLY HATE the property managers who manage our apartment (If you live in Houston and wanna know who they are, email me: firstname.lastname@example.org). I would love to find some awesome little place that I actually wanted to live in for a couple of years. I'm really tired of moving once a year (not to mention broke because of it).
I actually really like the apartment, but they aren't doing a good job of taking care of it, and they don't communicate well with us. That is very frustrating. And even though our rent is low compared to most rents in Houston, we are still paying a lot, and I think we could do better. We have been really thorough this time around though, keeping really good records and having lots of emails to document problems. We even have a lawyer to help us when we move out (because, being evil landlord scum, they will try to take all of our deposit. But no! I won't let them!). God. I'm getting all grow'd up. I'm getting insanely good at dealing with evil assholes. And, most of the time, I'm even able to be pleasant. I mean, is it really too much to ask of people to be pleasant and actually (gasp) do the job they are supposed to be doing?? I mean, I know I don't own a $400,000 condo with four cars and a wardrobe from Prada, but geez....Just cause a gal is poor doesn't mean she expects to be treated like a bum.
So, I have to go and try to register, even though I don't even think I am in their system. Grrr. I'm frustrated because this is a tiny school, and I am from a very large school, and I never had any problems with this kind of stuff until I got here. So much for small schools being better....
You know, I may very well have that attention disorder or whatever it is called. Because I swear I can't ever concentrate. At home, at work, outside.....You know why I can't concentrate today?? I just keep thinking about watching that movie, and making dinner, and watching NBC must see TV, and taking the dog out....ARG! Turn off my brain!
I've only been at work a few hours and already I'm going nuts. I'm really tired of studying. And I only have one class. But, in grad school, it's really important to do well in your classes. And it is hard to do experiments and take classes at the same time, because experiments are very time consuming and studying often gets neglected. So, since I had been working on a couple of grant proposals, it is easy to enough to keep hanging in my office and keep on with the research. But, I should be back in the lab in about a week and a half. Yay!! Then my schedule will get all screwy and I'll start sleeping at the lab, which is never fun.
It's another beautiful day here. I think fall in Houston is Nature's way of making up for summer. The temperature is lovely, it is sunny (I think, it was earier), and it is the kind of day where you want to go for a hay ride. I haven't been on a hay ride since I was about five, but I'd gladly go today. Tomorrow is the beginning of Homecoming weekend here, and there are some activities going on. I want to go, but everyone in my lab pretty much has lived in Houston for a long time, and they have no desire to make new friends, so it is hard to get anyone to do anything. I decided to go out on a limb and I emailed everyone in the department and asked them all to go with me tomorrow night. I bet that somebody wants to go and has no one to go with. And, no one will think badly of me, because I was being friendly, inviting everyone to hang out. Or at least that's what I like to think.
I think I might go home now. J had the day off, so I know he is waiting....he has to go to work at MIDNIGHT tonight though (crazy), so I will feel guilty if I keep him up late. And really, I kind of want to stay here and get some more work done, but then I feel guilty because I haven't seen him all day. Can't win! It's awful, but sometimes I wish I were still single. You know, where you have so much freedom to come and go as you choose, and if you want to spend a month's worth of groceries on a pair of shoes, that was your choice. Well, that ain't my choice anymore. Maybe my biggest problem is that I have NEVER been single. Once I started dating, that was it. One boyfriend for a year and a half, another for four years, now J.....At least I got to live by myself for a while. Or maybe that's part of the problem...I got to taste freedom, so now I want more. I would actually be quite happy if we could afford two apartments...one for him, one for me. And the animals could just go back and forth, although I doubt that the cats would like that much.
Well, I am going to Galveston by myself on Saturday. Now, it's only about an hour away, and it is for work, but still...it is a step in the right direction for my very much desired TXvixen-only vacation. I have been talking about taking some solo, day-long road trips, so I'm quite thrilled by this. I usually need a big knock to get off my ass, and it looks like I'm going to get it!
Well, usually we do things we don't want to do in order to get paid. I am in a weird situation, in that I get paid anyway. Whether I do things I want to or don't want to or just sit on my ass. Yeah, eventually it will all catch up with me, and I could get kicked out, in which case I would have to get a real job (eek). The reason I bring this up is because I am studying for an evolution test, and I really don't want to be studying. It is a gorgeous day (imagine my happiness at gorgeousness in November after living in upstate New York. It ain't pretty in November there), and I want to lounge (preferably in bed). I have a confession: I hate the sun. I'm afraid of cancer, but more than that, I don't want wrinkles. I hate, hate, hate wrinkles, and have already begun to see them, although my man (J) says I'm delusional. Hmm. So, I like to look outside but not be outside...unless I am covered in sunscreen. I know that I am a walking oxymoron because I said that I like outdoor activities. Which I do. But I have lived in many a dark place such as Seattle and upstate New York (I lived in Ithaca, which actually gets less days of sun per year than Seattle). So my outdoor activities are usually unencumbered by the sun. But not here in Houston. I am a sunscreen queen here.
Back to the studying....more nonsensical rambling later?? Maybe, if you're good.....
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