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love is patient, love is kind... [18 Mar 2004|10:10pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | "My Immortal" -Evanescense ] so. yep. i'm updating. now that all my family time is finally over with, my break has been going great. I've been able to see all of my friends (that are in the area aka not in ireland, germany, florida, california, or...wherever other people went for spring break without me). Erin & I went shopping Tuesday and I spent way more money than I needed to at Old Navy, and bought a new belly button ring, yay. I got home to try and change it, and realized I couldn't get it off for the life of me, so I called Avant Garde, and they explained to me that it was a pressure something or other kind of ring...sooo I took a needle nosed pliers to it and it popped right off. I'm awesome. Turns out I didn't get a single room through the lottery, BUT I'm #1 on the waiting list. So basically I have a single for next year. :oD YAY YAY YAAAAAY!!!!! So excited to drink when I want, go where I want, have guys/friends over whenever I want, have music on constantly, have a futon pulled out all the time, stay up late like I usually end up doing without anyone bitching about it...I am SO PUMPED ABOUT THIS. Yesterday I lounged it up playa style, and ALISSA CALLED FROM IRELAND!!!! lol...drunk as a skunk, but that's why I love her. Erin came over, and we went downtown to Stace's. We went to Jimmy John's for dinner, shopped at the most ghetto Sentry ever, then got our drink on. Hallelujah for green beer!!!! :o) It was super fun....we slept in this morning, then Erin & I went to Innovative where I ran two miles and swam. I feel so accomplished. I think I'm going to get a summer membership there. I drove around in the rain for a while and got some lunch. My parents got mad at me because I wouldn't go to a funeral I knew nothing about and had only 20 minutes advance notice about, whatever. No one could hang out tonight, so I spent even more money at Kohl's and cleaned my room. Tomorrow I am meeting Sarah at Trocadero's on Water, and we're hanging out on the East Side for the afternoon, then I'm spending the night either in Bristol or downtown again. As much as I love Oshkosh, this has been a really awesome break for me. I love it at home....bah. I'm really confused...on the whole L-word thing....ahhhh. 1 comment|post comment

officially giving up on the world... [15 Mar 2004|10:00pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | talking to Austin :o) ] people can be so shallow, I honestly don't understand it sometimes. I just watched the new mtv show "I want a famous face" where these two non-attractive acne-covered twins wanted to look like Brad Pitt so they both got plastic surgery (over $9,000 each) to try and look like him. Umm....okay. So they got chin implants, nose jobs, and new teeth. They're still not attractive. And they look gay. They got head shots taken and now believe they will be huge Hollywood modeling and acting stars. PFFFT. They'll be famous when Florida borders Wisconsin. So after they're huge "transformation" they went out to parties and suddenly all the girls were like, "OMG! They're totally hott!! I love their new looks!" and they'd proceed to kiss they twins and act like they were in love with them. Excuse me, did they notice the guys at ALL before they got makeovers? I fucking hate tv sometimes....people are so shallow. I'm giving up on the world, starting today. Just got home from my HUGE spring break trip. I went with my parents to Minnesota: somewhere windier, colder, and snowier than Milwaukee. We shopped at the Mall of America, but I've been there too many times to count to spooge in my pants over it. We stayed at Mystic Lake Casino, where I got to gamble....I put in a quarter on a slot machine and 100 came out! That made me happy. Especially when a random little asian lady started jumping up and down next to me, clapping, and screaming, "oh, lucky girl!!! lucky girl!!!" I think I got lung cancer from sitting there for a couple hours though, it was really smoky. Went in the whirlpool for a bit, met a crazy Canadian boy in the sauna (I bought ABOOT $2,000 worth of clothes at the Mall, yah), then went back to the room to go online...umm....yeah. How over Andy can I possibly be? WAY over him. Not going into it on here where everyone can read, but I'm just disappointed. I'm done waiting for him in every way shape and form. grr....visited Joann today, lots of driving....I didn't get a single room. I'm pissed. And the email didn't even say what number I was on the waiting list. Piece of crap. I'm really not having the spring break I thought I would have....ugh. Things are looking good on the going-to-Florida front, though. That makes me keep my chin up. :o) If anyone reading this gets the chance to watch the new ABC Family movie "Celeste in the City," watch it!!!! It was really good, and the ending was completely perfect and the way everything should be. 1 comment|post comment

i can go anywhere....i can do anything. [10 Mar 2004|08:43pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | "Only One" -Yellowcard ] Reading Rainbow was, in fact, right all these years. Who would have known? Today I succesfully lead the group critique/discussion in Lit, had an hour and a half of quality guitar time, went to math...dinner date with Melis, then worked on my gym paper (yes...GYM PAPER) until 7. At 7 I went to Power Step with Liz...it was during abs, while I was thinking, oddly enough, about Austin, when I had the biggest epiphony ever. There was never a time in my life when I wanted to do something and didn't succeed. Everything I have so far put my mind to, I have done. So that got me thinking about lots of other things...I should try out for aerobics instructor, I should apply for a job at a coffee shop, I should get my pharmacy tech certification so I can make even more money than I already do, I should seriously sit down and tell my mom and dad I am going to Florida this summer, I should look into opening my own business some day, I should join a couple more clubs, maybe write a novel or two....and you know what? I'm going to do it!! Because I'm going to try, and that is what is important. (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH? ...HELL YEAH!!!) So after aerobics and all this thinking, I was so pumped up, I couldn't sit still. I grabbed my Yellowcard cd *best cd ever to run to* and I ran in the rain. :o) All around campus, full out as fast as I could go running....at one point it felt so great I thought maybe I could turn around and run all the way to Florida, Forrest Gump style...but 2,000 miles is a long way to run, especially since we figured out it would take 7 days to run there non-stop, and I barely made it the whole way around campus. :oD But it was fun nonetheless. If you ever read this, thank you Alissa for being the major role model for my new way of thinking :o) You know I love you, pally. I'M GOING HOME IN 1 1/2 DAYS!!! WAHOOOOO! Off to make the world a better place.... :o) :o) :o) 1 comment|post comment

all i can say is.... [10 Mar 2004|01:26pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | andrea's bf matt is in my room playing guitar ;o) ] ...windblown hair is NOT sexy. ;o) I saw Scott in gym yesterday....we walked past eachother and he glanced up at me and for a split second I saw a flicker of recognition on his face...so stupid me (who must have grown a penis overnight) said, "oh hey!" and punched him on the arm. Punched him. Am I stupid? That is not working the Mel magic...arrrrgh. On a happier note, I had a really super lunch today!!! :oD grilled cheese with pickles & ketchup, a salad (lettuce, cucumbers, mozarella cheese, cut up chicken patty, and fat free honey dijon dressing...MMMMMM OMG), cantaloupe, raspberry jello and iced tea. SO GOOD. It made up for the fact that there weren't any turkey loafers today....HMM! I look stupid in hats. :o) I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY!!! WOOO SPRING BREAK!! A WHOLE WEEK OF READING AND EATING AND SEEING FRIENDS (AND HOPEFULLY DRINKING) AND SLEEPING AND SITTING ON MY ASS!!! YEAH!!! :oD (pray that ally gets to new york, london & ireland safely!!!) post comment

falling into memories of you... [08 Mar 2004|02:36pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | "cannonball" damien rice ] HOLY UPDATE BATMAN. Since I've last updated I: *got my heart broken into a thousand pieces, but it's melted back together already... *registered for classes! YEAH HONORS PROGRAM!!! I got everything I wanted! No early classes!!! *had an AWESOME weekend! friday night i hung out with alissa, katie & steph....then SATURDAY everyone came up for her birthday :o) :o) :o) it was so awesome being able to drink with every cool person I know. Best thing ever, I wish that could happen every weekend!! Ally got a keg and made jello shots....stace and i prepartied before we even got there, so we were feeling reeeaally good by that time. Hehe. we wrote "don't puke" on our hands and i still can't get that off...shit. we smoked chocolate cigars and had just an awesomely crazy fun time!!! everything that happened was really random and made me geek out. and! I got to make out with my secret crush....ahhhh under a lamp post in the rain. and his friend mike kept giving me italian kisses, lol...so irresistable. I really REALLY want to go to Florida, like, ASAP. I think it's funny how dedicated I am to my New Year's resolution...haha. i love making out. I've stopped doing homework since last week...I should probably start buckling down again, but...meh. 4 days until spring break. :oD post comment

close to you... [03 Mar 2004|07:21pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | "187" -senses fail ] Today was spent surrounded by friends :o) Kat and I stayed up until 2am last night just geeking out and talking in the lounge while we "did our homework." I love that about college. You can waste all the time in the world and not go to class, not do homework, not get any sleep and there's no one here to tell you not to. Class was interesting...instead of participating in Lit. during a paper critique discussion, I compiled a list of songs for the cd I'm making Austin. In Comm. the fire alarm went off. Sadly, there is no one in my class I would want to "fire drill mingle" with, so I sat by myself on a cement ledge, called people, and studied Spanish since I hadn't the night before. When four fire trucks and ambulances came I figured we were done for, but they left, our school didn't burn down, and we went back to class. It was pointless though, all our professor talked about was welfare, and saddam hussein, and other random shit I never cared to learn about in a speech class. Whatever. My Spanish exam was okay, I probably got a B on it. After that I met Lauren & Kristin for lunch---YAY TURKEY LOAFERS!!! Those things make my week. I went back to my room with every intention of doing my math homework before class, but played my guitar and watched the drive-thru records dvd instead. :o) Hehe. It's okay though...all we did in math was draw pentomino's (ask later) and talk about "regular polygons" aka trianges and pentagons, etc. So I spent the hour and a half class half listening, half more concerned with drawing shapes all over my paper. It turned out cool, but...yeah. hehe. I feel so popular today, I have gotten a lot of "just to say hi" phonecalls from Austin, Sarah, and Stace. I <3 my friends. :oD After math I felt like my head was going to fall off from everything I've been thinking of lately, and Alissa suggested taking a walk, so off we went. We met up and walked all over campus, then off campus where we found a school and got to swing on the swings. It was really *really* refreshing talking to her. We haven't hung out in probably a week, and she always gives me really good viewpoints about things...she's my pally. And all the swinging, and walking step for step with someone...both things I used to do when I was little...made me feel a lot better. *whew* Dinner with Kat & Liz, and NOW Amanda's gone!!! So I think I'm going to watch a movie and just chill for a while. YAY. AHHH I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS WEEKEND!!!!! :oD EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS WILL BE UP IN OSHKOSH FOR ALISSA'S BIRTHDAY!!! AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN AND BE HAPPY AND DRINK LOTS!!! YAAAAAAAAAY I'M GOING TO WET MYSELF! :o) :o) :o) off to lounge... <3 Mel post comment

our story [01 Mar 2004|02:26pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Ben Folds Rockin' The Suburbs cd ] I'm so confused. I think I L-word someone that I shouldn't. It's just so complicated, I can't even begin to describe what I feel... I had heard so much about him before I even met him. About how he loved the same kind of music I do, plays piano, writes poetry....I was promised that if he ever came to town I would meet him. I never thought it would actually happen. I was waiting in the backseat to go to Summerfest. He sat down next to me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Hey! How has your summer been?" I felt at that moment that I had known him my whole life, which had never happened to me before. I was a little taken aback, but in a good way. When we got to summerfest, we commented about how annoying it was to see people magnetically connected to one another, that they should give each other space. I did everything I could that night to not be hypocritical, but I could not distance myself from him. I wanted all night to jump into his arms and stay there forever. Instead we held hands, sang, laughed, danced, talked about so many things...on the ride home "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds was playing when he fell asleep on my shoulder. I wished the drive would have lasted forever...I saw him for 4th of July. My friends and I were on the pitchers mound of the baseball diamond at the school where the fireworks would be held. I stood up and jumped up and down until he found me. :o) We talked and talked until they started, and once they did we laid on the blanket, holding hands, watching the fireworks. It seemed as if they were for us. I took him to a party, then drove him home. The last time I saw him I should have kissed him. We went to the seven bridges, walked along the lakeshore, found moonrocks, skipped stones, took pictures...went out for ice cream...jumped on a trampoline, and watched the stars as we both laid in a hammock. I was so nervous to kiss him, and it was just after getting my wisdom teeth out...I could barely open my jaw, and I felt so stupid for not being able to. I should have when I had the chance. He left and went back to Florida. Since then, I have found out so many things about this guy...how he thinks and feels, his wants, his hopes, his fears. I know what I feel for him is something I have never felt before, but it scares me just the same. The other night we talked until 3am, even though I had to be at work by 9 the next day. It's just so crazy...I have only seen, touched, and smelled this guy for one week of my life, but the weeks between then and now have changed what once was into something that maybe will be someday. It's silly for me to even think of the L-word given those circumstances, but this is what I feel in my heart... My mom doesn't want me to go to Florida to see him this summer. She doesn't understand. My friends do. Alissa said she will help me figure all this out, and even drive me to and from the airport when I need to go. I thank God that I have friends like her. Without these friends I would be nothing. It sounds so cliché to even say this in my head, but I'll walk those two thousand miles to be able to see him again. And this time everything will be right. Love waits. post comment

we do drunk what we wish we could do sober.... [08 Feb 2004|09:58pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | "a call away" -josh kelley ] So...every problem from the past week has finally (hopefully) been resolved. I got to switch from intermediate swim to aerobic dance for phys ed, I got signed into an already full Spanish 203 class with a better teacher and it's more my speed, I got my parking permit and paid off my two tickets...and this weekend kicked ass! Friday night it was snowy and I was still in a mini-funk so I drank in the dorms and just hung out here. Last night I hung out with Al Pal....I made Ryan come with to her house and we helped make whop, and we had UV and played 25 words or less. Kev is rediculous, lol...we walked to New York Ave to a party for the dance team, but the ceiling was only as high as my head in the basement and it was super crowded, so we walked ALL THE WAY (it's really far) to a party on Irving and met up with Kat, Andrea, Matt, Liz, Mindy, and Marci. It was such a great time...I had this fake bird in my pocket and danced and had a bunch of beer and whatnot...everything I did was just so random, I kept laughing. Like, I found a tire swing in a front yard that was covered in snow, but I swang on it and took pictures anyway...kat and liz peed in the snow in front of the basketball house, and I swam in a sea of bottle caps in someone's living room...i don't even remember which house that was at. tehee...Ryan and I came back to my room and he stayed until 230...things were getting kinda romantic and whatnot (he wasn't drunk...yeah) and he asked to stay, but I was pretty tanked and really tired, so I said no...he called today and said some things to me that sort of confused me, but...we'll see what happens with that. Today I saw the Texas Chainsaw Massacre aka the scariest fucking movie EVER! I screamed outloud numerous times, covered my face with my coat for most of the movie, and came out all tense, sweaty, and shaking. NOT COOL! :o\ Otherwise today was spent sitting on my ass, laying down, eating, watching tv, and taking naps. hehe. sundays are great. i'm going stiiiiiiiiir craaaaaaaaaazy! post comment

really fucking sick of it all.... [06 Feb 2004|02:43pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | "brace yourself" howie day ] Just when I thought things were starting to go well for me, life bit me in the ass again. >:o| My semester started off pretty bad. This whole week has basically sucked major ass for me. But I got to switch from intermediate swim in phys ed to aerobic dance. Not having to be tan or have shaved legs every Thursday=priceless. I also went to my Spanish 204 class, took an assessment test, only to be told I am too stupid to be in the class and I should move down to 203. WELL all those were filled, but luckily i found ONE class that would fit into my schedule, went to it today, and got signed in. Thank God. Even crazy math is getting better, I understood it on Wednesday. Some things are just getting worse, though. Mindy still hasn't gotten the fucking parking permit to me...the one I PAID FOR LAST SEMESTER. God, it's just so frustrating....I already paid off a $9 one the other day, now I found one for $25 on my car today. If I didn't already get that job I would say fuck it and just bring the thing back home, but I can't get to work without it, so it must stay. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I still feel like my "friends" are hardcore using me, though. Using me for bonus meals, rides to go shopping, for money when they're broke, for...everything. Do i LOOK like I want to lend you money? Or be taken for granted? FUCK NO!!!! God, when do I get mine? I miss home. I want to be in Milwaukee with Stace. I want to be able to go to Pizza Shuttle and see my family and have people around who really truly care about me. I'm so lonely...I need a hug. :`o( Tonight I Am Getting TANKED. Don't worry...if I have your number I'll drunken call you. 2 comments|post comment

la vie est si bonne [29 Jan 2004|11:11pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | "Ba da ba bop baaaa, I'm lovin' it" ] Life is so good right now...I haven't felt so happy in quite a while... :oD I worked Sunday-Tuesday, but now I'm done for the week, and that makes me happy. Yay for relaxing! Wednesday Gretta and I went to Noodles then shopped a bunch at Mayfair..and we saw Dre there!!! Yay, Oshy girls...that night I went to Alissa's and got to play with little Koby, then went down to Marquette to vsit Adam, but he wasn't around to check us in, so we just ended up going to Pizza Shuttle and hanging out at Stace's house. Today I drove to Bristol to help Lauren make her old jeans into a skirt and after we decided we wanted to drive to Gurnee to shop, so that's what we did! Tomorrow Ryan's taking me to the Hi-Fi and school supply shopping at Target, then later I'm hanging out with Stace and maybe Oshy friends that are coming to Milwaukee for the night, we'll see what happens...Saturday I'm seeing Cold Mountain with Sarah then she's taking me to get alcohol for 2nd semester! I love my big sister. :o) Tyler wants to definitely meet up for the concert on Wednesday, eek!!! :oD So excited..and Jon's talking to me right now....damn, when it rains it DEFINITELY pours. But I love it. BAHAHhahahahaha I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!! post comment

lounging my life away... [22 Jan 2004|04:07pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Billie Holiday "Good Morning Heartache" ] I got approved for a credit card! And because of it I get $200 off a plane ticket! WOO, TALLY HERE I COME!!!! One more day of interim left, then a whole week off...ahhh, I love Oshkosh. Friday night we all went out for Lauren's bday. Got sassed up in Gretta's room, then Lauren's room, then we found a random party on Jackson that started out fun, but got all hectic when the house next door got busted...they weren't going to let anyone out! Hello? Dumbest thing ever...but we all ran out holding hands in a chain and went to Alissa's. Saturday I went home for the night and got to see Stace's new house on the East Side!!! It's super nice for what they're all paying, and a nice change from what we usually do...I think it's going to be fun, it just sucks that there's no parking anywhere and it's 25 minutes away. Oh well, I'll deal I think. Sunday night was the best night ever...seriously. I drank in the dorms with my friends from my floor, then at 115 Alissa picked me up and we drank, dressed up in costumes, danced, drove Katie and random black man out of the house before they had sex, and played 25 words or less until 5am. It sounds so lame, but it was the most fun I've had in a while! Tonight is PREMIUM NIGHT AT BLACKHAWK!!! :oD See everyone in the OC tomorrow! post comment

a call away? [13 Jan 2004|11:17pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | "Hands Down" -dashboard confessional ] so...i haven't been myself lately. I've been really down, and I hate when that happens...I wish I could be like every other sane American and just take something for it, but I doubt it would solve anything... I'm just sick of playing Amelie to all my friends, and seeing/hearing how insanely happy they are. And you owe it all to me? Well, thanks, but....when do I get mine? Where's my Nino? Damn...sometimes it just all hits me at once. And unwanted visitors didn't exactly help, either. Whatever. Anyone want to spoon? 2 comments|post comment

waiting for alissa... [11 Jan 2004|05:02pm] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | packer game ] What Finding Nemo Character are You? brought to you by Quizilla You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a little bit cocky and usually associated with evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You probably just don't give a damn,but it's everyone else's fault if you don't because you're too awesome to have any real faults. What Kind of Smile are You? brought to you by Quizilla Congratulations!! You're a shot of some good old hard liquor! What Drink Are You? brought to you by Quizilla 2 comments|post comment

what if? [09 Jan 2004|11:46pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Matt Wertz (don't know the name?!) ] I know everyone has done this at least once in his/her life, but most have likely done it more. Have you ever taken a few minutes to step back...REALLY step back....and look at your life and think about how you got there? For some reason, I've been playing the "What If?" game an awful lot lately....for instance: *What if I had never gone to my first drinking party at Alissa's when I did junior year? Would I have known her, kept in touch with her, gone to the same college as her? Even if I did go to her house that night, what if we both didn't decide to go to Oshkosh? Would I be friends with Lauren, Kristin, or Shannon? Would I have as much fun as I do every day and night in this town? *What if I never got the job at Old Navy? I would not know Gretta, which means I would never have met Austin. What if I didn't get my wisdom teeth out 2 days before I met him? Would I have done things differently? I know the answer to that one... *What if I had kissed Him when the moment was perfect, when he wanted to? Would anything have changed between us? Would he be with the same person he is with now? Would my life be different...better....somehow because of it? *What if I hadn't been drunk last night, or came to find Paul? Would we ever have kissed? *What if I had gotten accepted into Madison? Would I be as happy as I am now? Or know such wonderful people? Maybe this all came from lack of sleep this past week...I'll bet my money on that one. post comment

where I want to be... [09 Jan 2004|09:55am] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | "Breathing" -Lifehouse ] Finally. FINALLY!!! Everything has fallen into place for me. I have family who loves me and calls just to say hi, I don't have class until 12:30 every day. :o) I am able to go out and have fun with only good consequences. I made the first move with Paul, and we finally did what I was waiting for since September....and I thouroughly enjoyed it. :o) And I have a large group of the GREATEST friends I have ever met...out of all the places I've been, all the faces I've seen, all the people I've wanted to be around....I feel like I fit here. I've found where I am supposed to be, where I was intended to be all along. I have friends to do dorky things, like crochet, with. I have friends to drink with. I have friends to go shopping with, read with, dance with, sing in the shower with. I have friends who honestly care about me, and are there for me when I need it. It's snowing. :o) I read a certain journal comment today, and felt a small pang of jealousy when reading what The Princess wrote you. After thinking about it, though, maybe it is what you need. Someone in close proximity, who is also an insomniac, who wants to call you every night just like I do. I hope it all works out... The lock on the piano room is hardcore broken, and it is open all day and all night....wooo baby! Instead of studying for my music exam, I decided to go out and have fun last night.....and I am so glad I did. I had the best night, just laughing, hugging, being with friends...slow dancing to no music...drinking, and listening to Adam (Pacey) play my guitar for Alissa and seeing everyone so happy....yay! I know enough about music, anyway. ;oD post comment

when I look to the sky... [04 Jan 2004|01:02am] [ mood | content ] [ music | Train "Counting Airplanes" ] Well, fortunately New Year's Eve was the watershed of my holiday break at home. I got off work early, got tanked at my uncle's with my whole family, saw fireworks, called everyone in my phone book, and went home drunk as a skunk and passed out in my bed. :o) New Year's Day Stace and I went to Bradford Beach to watch the polar bear swim and ended up finding Mal & Co, a man with an umbrella, an Elvis look-a-like...it was just craziness. We drove past her new apartment, ate at Pizza Shuttle for lunch, witnessed an accident...I love going downtown for a day with friends. It's one of my favorite things. Then to Barnes & Noble and MORE SHOPPING at Southridge! :o) For once I enjoyed it and bought tons of stuff. WOOO CHRISTMAS SALES! That night we met up again at Erin's and hung out with Jen & Pete and played Apples to Apples & Cranium and talked...pretty fun. Friday was the day from hell at work...2:30-11 without a break or a lunch, I was the in-window technician from 5pm on, and the only time I sat down was to go to the bathroom, and even then I had to put a big orange cone in front of the men's bathroom and use that one...LONG STORY! But I made it, and everything's okay. Today I packed, cleaned, read old journals, listened to music...it was a really relaxing day, I needed it!!! Tonight Stace & Erin came over and we went on "errands" aka we took a picture of Austin Street, went to Wal-Mart & Kohl's then watched my Drive Thru Records dvd I got for Christmas....I miss those girls...I'm totally looking forward to all of black history month and bank holidays from now on. ;o) Awww....too bad they had to wait until the night before I leave to make everything okay again and have a super fun time just hangin out like old times...*sigh*....I GO BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!! :o) I'm really excited to see all my friends, and eat at Blackhawk, and have visitors, and be able to go out and have fun without a curfew, and to not have to work for a few weeks....yay. Things I wish I could change overnight tonight: 1. Be able to see Austin at least once a week somehow. 2. Go to the same college as ALL of my friends. 3. Lose 10 pounds & get breast implants (come on, wouldn't you?!) 4. I wish I could find my retainer...I honestly lost it and it is bothering the hell out of me!!!! It's 1:11....what are YOU wishing for?? ;o) post comment

and think of all the nights you spent alone with just your tv set and I, I can barely smile [29 Dec 2003|10:54pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | "White Flag" -Dido ] God, I hate everything right now. EVERYTHING. Fucking ass shit. Worst 9.5 hours spent at work EVER today, with only a lunch (no breaks), called Stace *as planned* right when I got out only to hear someone else answer her phone acting all stupid about it, finally talked to her and realized I didn't want to hang out with the people she was with. Called cousin, bitched, came home. My feet ache, I have never had this many fucking breakouts in my entire life, I have no friends at home anymore, I work with the worst pharmacist ever all day tomorrow and new year's eve, I work until 11 on NYE therefore I have no plans, I want to cry. I just want to get drunk and spoon. 6 more days of this shit. I am not coming home if I can help it second semester. Fuck this. Who needs "home" anyway? I WANT OSHKOSH. 1 comment|post comment

as i slowly fall apart.... [28 Dec 2003|05:12pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | "One Year, Six Months" Yellowcard ] I didn't go out last night. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. I stayed home and felt sorry for myself. Again. Still no word from Austin. This is making me sad. ROTK was a lot better than I thought it would be, although they left out a lot of good parts from the book. And Gretta came with. I missed her. I'm sick of acting how I have been lately. I want the old Me back. Next Sunday at this time I will be back with all my friends, eating food from Craphawk, going to sleep happily on my cement bed. I can't wait....I need to leave home. At least I work most of this week.... post comment

"leaving town slips into my head again.." (josh kelly) [27 Dec 2003|06:17pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Josh Kelly's "For the Ride Home" cd ] I feel....quite....broken. Of course, there are various reasons. 1. My family is the only thing keeping me home. I hate my job here, I hate the memories I've left in this town, and I've lost the friends I used to have. I am so alone compared to my life at school. Oh, and I love how I've even lost my best friend to a certain pseudo-friend lately...."I promised her I'd go shopping with her, we're going to buy apartment stuff." wow. yeah. you have fun with that, really. Living with a bitch, a girl who's name makes her sound like a dog, bitch's boyfriend, and your former booty call. I love you, I really do....I just hate what is happening. And why don't my old friends even call me anymore? What the fuck?! 2. I think Austin is upset with me. I just feel really bad, neither of us really had time over break to even talk, let alone see each other like we both had planned. grrrr....maybe it wasn't supposed to work out...whatever. 3. I am mad sleep deprived. 4. I work until 11 on New Year's Eve....ahhhhhhhhhhhh. But I have off NY's Day. So. Hopefully I'll still have time to go out and get tanked and just be hungover on my day off. Tonight I am living it up Oshy style with my girl Alissa. We are going out to get sloshed and have fun and giggle and do all the things I love best. 7 DAYS UNTIL COMPLETE HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!!! "Cus' it's you that I'm runnin' to, baby, 'cause you are home to me" -jk post comment

what should i do? [19 Dec 2003|06:43pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | Trading Spaces themesong ] so...last week out of the blue, Amy, whom I haven't spoken to in ages, emailed me and all my friends/former friends/aquaintences asking if we'd all like to go to dinner tonight--girls only. Amazingly everyone said they'd go. At first I was excited because it is one of my only nights off (i worked till 6, but it still counts), but now that I've thought about it...it's probably just going to be a big suckfest. Everyone going has someone who will be there who they hate or is not on speaking terms with anymore. Holy awkwardness?! I'm not even hungry, it's too cold to go anywhere, I don't want to drive because I have no gas...and I bet $34,598 that by the time we get to the Safehouse they'll say, "You can't get in after ____o'clock if you're not 21." Maybe I should bring my car. That way I can just drive my cranky ass home if things are stupid. Normally I would be complaining a lot more about "wah, I've been working so much I have no time for anything, I haven't seen my friends all break." Well....I haven't seen anyone, and I couldn't care less. I'm not sad or lonely or anything, in fact, I'm considering staying home tonight just because I'm sure I'd have a better time by myself than with the people I haven't seen in forever. What is there to talk about, anyway? "What happened between us, anyway? Why did we stop talking/being friends? Can you pass the salt?" FUCK NO. grrr...I don't know what to do. I miss having a boy in my life. In my opinion, a girl needs three men in her life at all times: 1. Her daddy- I have that, even though I don't get to see him as much anymore. He loves me, I love him...it's all gravy. 2. The best friend- OKAY. Honestly, I feel like part of me is missing lately. I miss having a guy that I could go play video games with, and call if I need advice, or ask for a hug if I'm having a bad day...I miss how they smell and they way they cuddle and do things even if they don't want to to make me happy. I wish I could have that back...but I wouldn't go back to high school if someone paid me. I'm much happier where I am now. I just need a man. and 3. The Lover--I'm not asking for anything fancy. I just hope that one day there will be a man who loves me who will be waiting for me when I get home. We'll do the daily crossword together, and watch old movies, and not talk during dinner because the silence won't bother us after so many years. I want to be able to pick up my prescription and have it attached to my husband's. I want to have kids that will look just like us. That's all I want. Comfort, security, happiness, love. ...And maybe some spooning, too. baaaaaaaaah, I don't want to go. I had the most kinky dreams last night...wow. I'm still thinking about them. It's all your fault!!!! post comment

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