well, i havent written here in a long time.....i have a new journal on aol...if anyone actually reads my journal here, i will give you tha link to my new one:
here is my new journal, hope you guys read it :) :)
whoo whoo.....whats up yall??? i'm here and kinda praticising my typing with out lookin, i'm in a keyborading class. so i should practise a lil. so yea lately, i've been distant. emtionally, verbally, mentally, physically distant. devin thinks i'm mad at him but i'm not. i'm just distant right now, i've been thinkin...about everything again. every second of tha day, i have like 48534815378743214731 things running through my mind and it crowds up in my mind and makes me go BIZZERKKKKKKKKKKKK. well noe i'm like silent lately, it's ok, it'll pass like it normally does...i love to inspire, and motivate. it gives me such a good feeling to know that i did somehting sooo good and pure for someone. so yea i think i've mentioned tha mormon thing...well yea i've been goin to church and i am getting baptised in december...i really do want to do this but then again, i dont. like i do but ut seems like they are changing me, not in a bad way but i am who i am and i ahve to be tru to myself before anyone else. but i dont know why, i'm gonna do it...but i do want to....i'm sure...i'm still learning about it all...and kristen kiermas (HipPI) is bein sooooooooooooooooooooooo supportive about all this and i just want to send a shout of LOvE to her...hipPi, I love you man!!!!!!!!!!!!! yea i still have to talk to them about some shit...i wish teresa would show a lil more support with this, i only want her to be more supportive because i love her. TERESA I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART
halloween was fantastic, well at first when i got home from school it started to really suck cause my friend s*a*n*a was sad and then i thought i wouldnt be able to see my boyfriend and s*a*n*a's bf. but we went to tere's and went trick or treating, not really tho we ended up at a friends house and my brother from another mother who i havent seen in forever was there. i was sooo surprised. so all i wanted to do was hang out with him until dev got there. after a few hours, they left and we left, tere went hom and me and s*a*n*a waited at tha park for our boyfriends. they finally showed up and tha rest ends terrifically. i found out last night tha a juggalo died on halloween. he was shot. some guy was talkin shit about icp, so david (tha dead one) punched tha guy, tha fight got broken up. and tha guy left, came back with a gun and shot him. thats some sad shit, i cried. i thought that tha world is hell and david had his beliefs and in this day and age in this hell of a world, it's not uncommon to hear someone got shot but this guy was a juggalo, he leaves behind a son and juggalette. I feel sooooo sry for his family, and i feel them and send much love their way. today is devin's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOOSE, I LOVE YOU!!!!
i think i have already written about homecoming and david, well few days later, i left him for someone else cause he acted like we were friends and he knew when i had lunch and he still went out during lunch when he ccould have spent time with me and just all in all he was a bad boyfriend. now this new guy i have is muuuuuuuch BETTER!!!! he is just sooo perfect for me and he says i'm tha most beautiful/hott and sexiest girl he has ever seen!!! and he doesnt care about sex (not right now at least or for a while) and thats great cause that means i can trust there will be no pressure and he just loves being with me and god i love him!!!! and he is sooooo incredibly funny....theres this cute bear spray story, hee hee is sooo funny and just soo cute. he's a juggalo which is awesome cause i'm a juggalo, and i dont have to try to explain what a juggalo is or anything cause he already knows and he already understands me and my love for Psychopathic/ Juggalo family. he's just sooo great and i have never felt this way toward a guy before, i can see us bein together for a long time, and he has told me, HE IS HERE FOR ME, ALWAYS!!!!! and he told me that before we were goin out!!! he's just soo great and he says, he feels soo lucky and soo special to even know me!!! i really dont know how to explain it but he's tha best and i think.............................I"M IN LOVE!!!!
ok...i'm a lesbian but i will admit when a guy is hott...my girlfriend lives in oregon, when she moved, we made an agreement that even tho we are states apart, we are not broken up and because we are states apart, we can have a gf/bf. so i havent had a bf in a very long time. i went to homecoming...i didnt have nothing else to do that day, so i went...then i saw an aquaintance of mine there and his name is david. he asked me out, and i said yes...well...i figure (yes i'm a lesbian) but what if it works out. so now it's almost been a week and he acts like we are friends...i'm just not feelin him you know???so i found out last night (october 8) that my friend devin, likes me and thinks i'm hott!!! he's a juggalo just like me!!!!!!!!! well i found this out and just today....he asked me out (he knows about devin) so i said yes...imma tell david that i'm just not feelin him and that we were soo much more better as friends. devn is 100% better...i love him soo much....i loved him when we were friends...i have always loved him..but now it's a lil more serious cause were bf and gf...i'm sooo glad he asked me out....i know we'll be together for a long time.
a few weeks ago i was inspired which hasnt happened in a long time. I was inspired in tha last place i expected, school. i was inspired in all sorts of ways, and in every way. by teachers that are truly tha best. i talk to this one teacher, he is helping me with all sorts of stuff. he isnt tha only teacher that inspired me, theres like 5 more. anyway, i was inspired and i felt great and i havent felt that way in sooo very long. so everything was good. then tha darkness/depression started to come back a lil'. i trust this guy soo much, hes a good listener and he makes me feel pretty good but today i told him something, very serious. i was talkin to my friend yeasterday on tha phone about this serious topic. so today i told him, because i told her not to do it but i do it myself, he told me that he doesnt have much experience in tha topic so he took me to a counceler, sitting with me, he told her and now shes up my ass and wont let it go. he left cause he had a class and i stayed but only for like 15 min more. then i left and i was afraid she was gonna call home. ARG! witch. anyway so after his class i went up to him in tears (me crying like a bitch) and i told him that i trusted him and he promised me that i wouldnt regret telling him. but i kinda did...so i had a terrible, almost worst day of my misery. so now shes up my ass.but we made a deal and it's ok now but goddamn it. i was in tears and i was talkin to him explaining that i trusted him and i felt a lil' betrayed. see, i have a problem, i dont open up to ppl, at al. i have been bottleing up everyone of my emotions since like 4th grade. so it's hard for me to open up to ppl, it's like a fear. because i dont think ppl would understand. so we talked and he told me that he really cares about what happens to me. and i told him that it would take some time before all trust is restored. i fuckin trusted him. i felt inspired by teachers, this was a great feeling i HAD. i relized that school (yea sometimes it blows and taking tests and doin homework suck) but school is a place where we can go to become GREAT THINKERS!!! intellectuals, together. i love hagin out with teachers. they are my 2nd most favorite kind of ppl ( my first favorite kind of ppl are JUGGALOS) but teachers are awesome. i care about doin good in school. for this teacher, i wish i could give this teacher diamonds raining, i'm soo grateful for what he has helped me with (except for today) but it's all good...he's still my favorite. point is we should talk to teachers cause they all truly inspire.
today i just feel sooooo shitty...it just happens sooo often to me, i get depressed a lot. i have no one to talk to o i thought why not talk to one of my favorite teachers? so i tried but with all tha fuckin classes, theres no time.i just feel soooo shitty and just not happy.although yesterday,my and someone special started going out, yes i'm taken!!! she lives in Oregon though but still i love her (i'm bi in case you didnt know) i just believe love who you want ya know??? today at school was soooooooo terrible,all y so called 'friends' werent acting like themselves and that makes me feel worse. i really need to talk to someone :(
right now i'm eating cherry garcia ice cream and it's soooo good......anyway i have something real important to say: friends and homies. i know ppl that say i'm "like" their best friend and yet they never call or seem to want to hang out with me...sometimes i feel like friends are bullshit. i always seem to get fucked over by someone but i never say anything cause i'm way way way way way way way way too nice to ppl, friends,everyone. all i'm sayin is if you tell someone they are your friend, then treat them like it...
has anyone ever herared of tha movie Tha BIG Labowski.it's one great hella movie. tha other day i was at my good friends house and her parents wanted us to rent Chicago but blockbustre didnt have it so we got The hours with nicole kidmen.is was kinda depressing but kinda on a level that most ppl understand.it was good but everyone was different from after that including me.i mean different in a depressing sort of way.
i had some honey garlic chicken wings for dinner and they were tha bomb! so good.then i had some ice cream (sooo yummy) then later had a salad.i ate alot today, growing spurt i guess.
i havent written for this thing in a while, i simply dont know what to say....i'm bored and every other emotion........shit sry i have no idea what to write about except i would like to promote Wizard of tha Hood by Violent J of Insane Clown Posse,for all of you who hate ICP,dont get mad but.......fuck you
yesterday was my good friend lizzies birthday party and it was off tha hook.it wasnt no birthday roller rink type shit,it was just walkin around,having funn,chillin wit friends and her dad and a few other guys played like a real band and he was awesome on tha guitar,tha guy that played tha guitar and sometimes tha bass was also singin and he was good.tha guy on tha drums was great.i had a blast.too bad my birthday is in shitty january.for all y'all readin this my birthday is january 14.nobody ever fuckin remembers.anyway it was great.who here hates their brothers???i do...i have two brothers older than me and they think that they can fuckin tell me what to do and how to do things and whenever i'm bein creative which is like all tha time,they fuckin be bitches and make funn of me and tell me i'm stupid and why cant i be normal and blah blah blah like anyone really gives a shit what they think,i don't.i try to treat them good and talk to them like regular ppl and be nice but no they have to be bitch-ass wack muthafacko's and i hate that shit.my oldest brother only cares about him and his girlfriend.but fuck me cause i'm just his sister and god forbid he fuckin care about me for once.then my other bitch-ass brother,god he's a bitch.my oldest brothers girlfriend asked my other brother(tha bitch) what he loves about his girlfriend (another bitch) all he could say was 'she has a nice ass'. what tha fuck is that? so is he only goin out with her cause that???nothin else??? one day i'm gonna get up and move tha fuck away(disappear) and they are gonna be like 'we shouldnt have been such ass-blowers to her' fuck them anyway.....
like i was sayin before,things are wack.i understand some rules but human society(especially tha ppl that make tha rules)think they can control us.schools are way fuckin gay.for example my mom says that when she went to school it was free,you didnt have to pay to be enrolled,look at harvard,nice school,but it costs $40,000 a year.now i think thats bullshit.what about poor ppl???shouldnt they be allowed some help???i would also like to address tha fact that ever since sept.11,ppl have stickers on their car (god bless america,or we stand united) well,i dont think that we are as united as ppl think.also ppl didnt have stickers on their car like that or flags on their car or anything to show patronage until sept.does it take a castrophe to make ppl want to show it???ppl are stupid.
somethings in tha world are completely wack....like medical bills and shit.why must we pay soo much for really small things like staying in tha hospital?for example:on 2/6/03, a car hit my school bus and i hurt my knee,a few months later we recieved tha bill over $1,000 just for tha ride in tha ambulance,over $600 just for tha pain killers (yay pain killers!) and over $400 just for tha knee supporter thingy whatever.luckily my mom didnt have to pay tha bill, but damn why should someone pay soo much???what if one person doesnt have insurance cause they cant afford it???but they want their loved one to be ok and helped.it's not just medical that makes tha world hell,it's a lot of shit.tha other day i was in Wal-mart with my mom and i saw a lady walking a dog and i said 'mom look, a dog' she said 'thats a seeing eye dog.' we go home yadda yadda yadda i ask her how those doggs know where to go.she says that ppl train them and what not and it usually costs over $40,000 to get one...isnt that some bullshit???if someone is blind,dont they have enough problems???poor goddamn person, right? and ppl are what makes this world hell,ppl hate ppl,and so on.maybe deep down everyone wants tha same thing....i'll continue more on this later because i've got to go to bed so i can get up tomorrow and babysit from 3:00 to 8:00...and also go to tha car show with teresee tomorrow.....bye y'all