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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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9:19p - In the valley I will sit and ponder why
I must say this... I really don't like Brand New. Not that i hate them but i think they sound bad. But of course I have no taste.
My little fingers are still shaking. I seemed to have played the guitar a little obsessively tonight and terribly fast. I really have nothing to say... but i feel as if i do. Something is wanting to brust from within me. Perhaps it is an alien lifeform OR perhaps some sort of love child that developes in the contents of my belly. It shall be my Valentine. If i have a child, i wish to name it that. It sounds so pretty. My dear sweet Valentine. Sometimes I wish I had someone to call my valentine or even my sweetheart. I don't know if it is just the winter depression or whatever... but i feel more and more unhappy and in a state of hopelessness. At the point of tears thinking I'll be a failure forever and a day. I really can never be mad at anyone, because I'm so mad at myself. I always get this way in the winter. Winter really is not the greatest season around just for the fact that it causes me to be so sad, among other things. I shouldn't be sad though. Really. Nothing is ever to the point of decay and if it is other lifeforms grow from it. As the spanish teacher said... "in life there are peaks and valleys. And nothing grows on the top of peaks, it all grows in the valley." I rather liked that. You grow when you are at your lowest points in life. Hm.
I don't really want to say whats wrong. Its like if i ignore it, it doesn't exist. I'm just sad, fearful of the future, lost, unhappy, and failing at my life. All I can say is... i believe in what the "gender-bending" lesbian said on the sundance channel... "caring for someone is embarassing". I wish I was stone. I wish I was dead. I wish I did not care. I wish for once in my life, something went right. I wish I could control my fate. I wish I never was. I wish I would just forget. I hope I die soon.
current mood:  scared
current music: Alkaline Trio - This Could Be Love (comment on this)
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